The conundrum of depression surrounding multiple friendships ending simu

March 16, 2024 6:01 AM

At the ripe old age of 52 I've been through this scenario at least five separate times. I'm not sure when the death or slow fade is breaking my heart or my broken heart is what begins the slow fade...(continued)

I'm fairly cognizant of the overwhelming significance some people are to me and it's usually the most significant relationships to me at any given time are the ones to dissipate all at once. When I was a lesbian in my 30s I'd lost the gf/best friend/work wife because the the bestie ran off with my gf and the work wife stayed friends with them instead of me. That was hard to regain my footing. Now all of my significant relationships have nothing to do with each other and still they are all deserting me at once. Not that it matters but it's my ex husband who I'm still very close to, then my current partnership and my sister all deciding to ice me out of any kind of communication without a fight or warning shot. It is nearly enough to make me go insane but I cant for the life of me make it help me learn anything. Where do I go for a start to introspection?

posted by The_imp_inimpossible to Human Relations (9 answers total)

I lost several long term friends recently when my depression over a series of close deaths and lengthy unemployment became, I suppose, too much for others to bear. I know they coordinated their exit from my life because of similarly worded messages, and it hurts to think they could talk to each other about me, but not talk to me, about it first.

Anyway. This is to let you know you are seen. And that I have found the Grief modules on Headspace and the Self-Esteem Workbook to be of some help. The latter contains some outdated attitudes esp about weight so CW for those but the written exercises are solid.

Also picking up the pace on beloved solo outdoor activities has helped in a more general sense.
posted by Ardnamurchan at 7:05 AM on March 16 [2 favorites]

Oh my gosh, I am really sorry. The relationships you describe are more than just friendships, they're family.

I know you are asking for advice on introspection but I am not sure how fruitful that will be if you don't know what happened. Can you pick one of these people and ask them? Not knowing your specifics, I would guess your sister would be a good start since she is a family member and there is a certain assumption of a continuing relationship there. (With former partners I think it's more common to just assume they have their reasons for wanting space, and leave them alone.) Drop her a line and ask if you can talk. It could be almost anything and you won't know if you don't ask. Then if it really seems like a rapprochement is not going to happen right now, that might be the time to start on some introspection.
posted by BibiRose at 7:24 AM on March 16 [1 favorite]

Is this the twin you described in earlier questions?
posted by warriorqueen at 7:59 AM on March 16

Response by poster: Yes. Of course as in every other backtracking maneuver she is known for, she will take my olive branch and temporarily communicate with some frequency then out of nowhere she starts in with one of her rants about the supposed inequities of our relationship. Usually its non sequitur ballyhoo because she can't stand not having something imploding every other week. But during the collapse of my friendships and the heavy work schedule i need less of that "pick me' energy but she won't let up so adios she goes. Its such a headache and heartbreak being related to such a drama queen.
posted by The_imp_inimpossible at 9:22 AM on March 16

Right, so start with your sister. Who knows why she's frozen you out, and who cares. You were debating freezing her out, so take this as a welcome break.

Your ex is your ex for a reason, so if your ex stops talking to you, it's probably a sign to move on. I'm not saying it's not hurtful.

And then your current partner. If this truly came out of nowhere, I'm sorry. There are people who do that. But my guess is that there were signs that the relationship was ending.

Extrapolating from there...there's a possibility that some pattern you follow in relationships does make people have to cut you off rather than negotiate an exit - I've been friends with people where I knew a slow fade wouldn't work or whatever, for reasons of their personalities. So that's something to think about.

So if you're going to spend any time in introspection. I wouldn't focus on "why do people do this to me at once" (unless you think there's something you're doing specifically) but rather "why did my relationship ending come as a shock?" and "why would people feel they have to cut contact entirely?" For the last though I have to say sometimes it's better that way.

However, sometimes things just come to an end. Sometimes they come to an end at the same time. You're not required to "learn" from it. This requirement that we learn from things that happen to us is often helpful, but sometimes it's not because what we need instead is to grieve, to focus on other things rather than ruminating on the loss, and to move forward in other areas of our life. Maybe this is your opportunity to focus on other areas of your life.
posted by warriorqueen at 9:37 AM on March 16 [12 favorites]

I know "therapy" is the standard Mefi response but, in this case, where you're looking to start introspection, it seems like therapy could be very helpful to you. I'm sorry you're having such a rough time.
posted by praemunire at 11:59 AM on March 16 [1 favorite]

my ex husband who I'm still very close to, then my current partnership and my sister all deciding to ice me out of any kind of communication without a

Are you really 100% positive that your sister isn't actually the instigator of all of these at once? Stone cold certain? Because if this really all happened at once...I smell a manufactured drama.

I think I may have said this to you before regarding your sister, but a big part of the problem here is that you keep expecting her to behave differently than she always does, and then it's a big surprise to you when she in fact acts like she always acts. I know that you WANT her to act right. You absolutely deserve for her to act right. Those facts are meaningless, because she is making choices from a different place than the "right" thing to do.

So yes, you should figure out how to learn that the way she acts is the way she will continue to act. It's entirely possible she is unwell and this is coming from a somewhat uncontrollable place, but you've identified the pattern so there's a pattern and you can use the pattern to predict the future.

And here's the other thing: even in our ghost-heavy culture, healthy mature adults who have been THAT close to you do not usually cut you off cold with zero response even when directly asked why unless they think you have done something either socially egregious or you have been caught ("caught", as in told by a third party even if it is not true) expressing some really serious shittiness about them. Even if it's uncomfortable generally someone will give you a short response to the question, "Why did this happen? I genuinely do not know what I did and I am concerned you have received some kind of incorrect information about me. Did I do you harm?" Are you absolutely sure your sister could not possibly have gone to them with some kind of story about you shit-talking them? Or a story about you committing a crime or some other foul deed that was so bad that other people would flee to avoid being associated with you?

HAVE you done something that might have gotten back to them all individually? Or something that could be misunderstood as either aggressive toward them or unsupportable in a general sense? Been in the news, given any interviews, publicly defended someone/thing they might consider terrible? Is it possible someone has accused you of Bad Things and you just haven't heard about it yet, or it's something you blew off as ridiculous but word has spread about it anyway? These aren't questions you need to answer here, but they are worth doing your own inventory of seemingly unrelated events leading up to and just after this cutting-off event.
posted by Lyn Never at 3:34 PM on March 16 [4 favorites]

Have you heard of the "missing missing reasons" concept? I'm going to very summarize: a lot of the time when people "cut me out without giving a reason", they DID give a reason, it just didn't stick with you because it didn't register as a "good" reason. So some part of your mind is saying "well, they SAID X, but that was such a minor thing and they're being so silly about it, that doesn't make any sense for someone to actually care about that much!"

Go back through your conversations and look for what they complained about, what they asked you for, what they told you was bothering them. Maybe you'll find some things that don't make sense to you. But if you can learn to MAKE sense of them and take them more seriously next time, that would be the learning you're looking for.
posted by Lady Li at 4:29 PM on March 16 [13 favorites]

this happen to me some times

part of how become ghost

sorry bout everything
posted by Rev. Irreverent Revenant at 11:38 AM on March 19 [1 favorite]