Getting lonelier as I get older - how can I be/find better company?
August 4, 2023 5:02 AM Subscribe
I am a middle aged man who has never had a sexual relationship only ever platonic ones due to untreatable ED. My few attempts did not go well. I have never been great at finding either platonic female friends or fitting in with the culture of men where I live either. I did get something from platonic friendships when I was going out more between 2005 and 2018, and a lot less since. I am wondering whether to seek out more platonic friendship, or whether that would just cause me hurt and frustration, and I should find some hobbies I could do solo at home starting from scratch. I expect only a very few would be in my specific situation, but can I ask if any midlifers have given up on finding a partner again, what solo hobbies do you do? Or if you benefit from purely platonic friendship, how do you signal that this is what you want and where do you find it?
The alternative to seeking platonic friendship would be to just attend group events in mixed company, such as a lunch meetup, and keep away from any one to one friendship. I feel if I got reasonably close to anyone my lack of relationship experience would leak out, causing pain, but while I avoid that by keeping by myself it's just so depressing being home alone doing nothing but watching YouTube/Netflix.
I lost any hope of a relationship years ago but I have never found a solo activity or other form of friendship to substitute. When I was a teenager my dad advised me that women could cause heartache but they were "the only game in town". I don't know if my dad was right, but subjectively it feels I am missing out on the only game in town, so what activities can give me a sense of meaning or enjoyment in life? I have my down days and my better days but it feels like this emptiness is a cloud that always hangs over me and leaves me depressed.
The alternative to seeking platonic friendship would be to just attend group events in mixed company, such as a lunch meetup, and keep away from any one to one friendship. I feel if I got reasonably close to anyone my lack of relationship experience would leak out, causing pain, but while I avoid that by keeping by myself it's just so depressing being home alone doing nothing but watching YouTube/Netflix.
I lost any hope of a relationship years ago but I have never found a solo activity or other form of friendship to substitute. When I was a teenager my dad advised me that women could cause heartache but they were "the only game in town". I don't know if my dad was right, but subjectively it feels I am missing out on the only game in town, so what activities can give me a sense of meaning or enjoyment in life? I have my down days and my better days but it feels like this emptiness is a cloud that always hangs over me and leaves me depressed.
This sounds very difficult. I'm sorry you're struggling.
I don't see a lot of what you want from this question. There's a lot of what you think you should do, but what I'm assuming you seem to want (a romantic relationship) seems to be obscured by the idea that you need to just settle for a platonic friendship or two. I don't think this is correct. As already pointed out by shadygrove, you can absolutely have a sexual relationship with ED. Research prostate stimulation, oral sex, fingering and clitoral stimulation techniques, sex toys. It may take a little more work than simple PIV sex, but you can still have all sorts of fun, orgasms or no orgasms (and an orgasm doesn't always need to be the goal!).
As for the other things: like everything else, becoming "good" at social relationships is all about practice. Think of it as any other hobby you're trying to perfect. You're out of practice right now, so you need to put in the time to re-learn how to be around people. Group hangouts and hobby groups or classes are a great idea for low pressure places to practice. One on one friendships will grow organically out of that, given enough time. But you will get out of it what you put into it.
Talk therapy might be helpful to you to discuss these issues and form a plan. You can tell your therapist just what you wrote here and let them know your goal is either a romantic relationship or some platonic friendships and see what they advise. It sounds as though you might need to work through some self esteem stuff. A therapist can guide you through this in a few sessions or as a long term investment.
Take it one step at a time. For now, join a class or a hobby group in something you normally enjoy. Make yourself go even when you don't want to. Get back out there. It'll get easier as you go along. Good luck!
posted by fight or flight at 5:28 AM on August 4, 2023 [10 favorites]
I don't see a lot of what you want from this question. There's a lot of what you think you should do, but what I'm assuming you seem to want (a romantic relationship) seems to be obscured by the idea that you need to just settle for a platonic friendship or two. I don't think this is correct. As already pointed out by shadygrove, you can absolutely have a sexual relationship with ED. Research prostate stimulation, oral sex, fingering and clitoral stimulation techniques, sex toys. It may take a little more work than simple PIV sex, but you can still have all sorts of fun, orgasms or no orgasms (and an orgasm doesn't always need to be the goal!).
As for the other things: like everything else, becoming "good" at social relationships is all about practice. Think of it as any other hobby you're trying to perfect. You're out of practice right now, so you need to put in the time to re-learn how to be around people. Group hangouts and hobby groups or classes are a great idea for low pressure places to practice. One on one friendships will grow organically out of that, given enough time. But you will get out of it what you put into it.
Talk therapy might be helpful to you to discuss these issues and form a plan. You can tell your therapist just what you wrote here and let them know your goal is either a romantic relationship or some platonic friendships and see what they advise. It sounds as though you might need to work through some self esteem stuff. A therapist can guide you through this in a few sessions or as a long term investment.
Take it one step at a time. For now, join a class or a hobby group in something you normally enjoy. Make yourself go even when you don't want to. Get back out there. It'll get easier as you go along. Good luck!
posted by fight or flight at 5:28 AM on August 4, 2023 [10 favorites]
Other people will have lots more to say but to start: you are not broken or a failure. You are a person who doesn’t fit one of the major categories but there are so many more! Maybe you are not interested in sex that much or you prefer sex with men and romantic love with women. Maybe you want to have a deep friendship before thinking about sex. Maybe you like non-penetrative sex only or just to watch. All of these are neutral things - your question is written with sorrow and disappointment at not being the ‘correct’ sort of man for your community. You need to believe that’s not true.
Find weirder people. Move to a new place with more diversity. Go online and look for kindred spirits.
I am happily permanently single. I have a lot of solo hobbies in craft and DIY, and I have family plus several close friends and a big weird online community I’m part of. I recently started D&D and am trying to learn ASL in classes.
I went through a period when I was very isolated and depressed. It took about two years to rebuild relationships, make new ones and rekindle my hobbies. It was hard work but I’m glad I kept trying new things even when it seemed pointless and I was convinced I was unlovable. Therapy definitely helped get me started.
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 5:40 AM on August 4, 2023 [23 favorites]
Find weirder people. Move to a new place with more diversity. Go online and look for kindred spirits.
I am happily permanently single. I have a lot of solo hobbies in craft and DIY, and I have family plus several close friends and a big weird online community I’m part of. I recently started D&D and am trying to learn ASL in classes.
I went through a period when I was very isolated and depressed. It took about two years to rebuild relationships, make new ones and rekindle my hobbies. It was hard work but I’m glad I kept trying new things even when it seemed pointless and I was convinced I was unlovable. Therapy definitely helped get me started.
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 5:40 AM on August 4, 2023 [23 favorites]
I agree with shadygrove. There are openly asexual or "gray ace" women who struggle very much with finding romantic relationships. I think that if you were to put an ad on the right service being open about wanting a relationship with limited sexual contact, a lot of very relieved women would be willing to contact you, and they might be your friends if it doesn't work out otherwise.
However, I do not know exactly what the right service is. It's worth checking around.
posted by Countess Elena at 5:55 AM on August 4, 2023 [10 favorites]
However, I do not know exactly what the right service is. It's worth checking around.
posted by Countess Elena at 5:55 AM on August 4, 2023 [10 favorites]
Is shame over the ED getting in your way here, out of proportion to its relevance to other situations? You’re not worth less, you’re not less of a person or a man, because of this difference.
I also thought about ace people. There are definitely women out there who would think “oh thank god, one less thing to fight about.”
I wonder if you would benefit from finding a place to volunteer. There’s a lot of joy in being able to look back and think: I helped this person, or this group. And it gives you something concrete to talk about in the moment too — if you’re worried that being rusty will generate awkward moments, having lots of interactions that are “about” something simple could help.
posted by eirias at 5:58 AM on August 4, 2023 [5 favorites]
I also thought about ace people. There are definitely women out there who would think “oh thank god, one less thing to fight about.”
I wonder if you would benefit from finding a place to volunteer. There’s a lot of joy in being able to look back and think: I helped this person, or this group. And it gives you something concrete to talk about in the moment too — if you’re worried that being rusty will generate awkward moments, having lots of interactions that are “about” something simple could help.
posted by eirias at 5:58 AM on August 4, 2023 [5 favorites]
As an addendum to some of the above comments: please, please don't actively seek out relationships with asexual women if you still, on some level, want a sexual relationship. An asexual partner shouldn't be someone you settle for because they're "easier" while secretly resenting them because you actually do want sex. They're a person, not a consolation prize.
It's totally okay if you do (or don't!) want a sexual as well as a romantic relationship. Just be honest with yourself and with your partners. There are many open minded women out there who will work with your issues and will be happy to explore with you, as long as everyone is on the same page with regards to expectations and needs.
posted by fight or flight at 6:02 AM on August 4, 2023 [31 favorites]
It's totally okay if you do (or don't!) want a sexual as well as a romantic relationship. Just be honest with yourself and with your partners. There are many open minded women out there who will work with your issues and will be happy to explore with you, as long as everyone is on the same page with regards to expectations and needs.
posted by fight or flight at 6:02 AM on August 4, 2023 [31 favorites]
fight or flight: you're absolutely correct. I'm not ace myself, but I understand that it's a spectrum, and that some asexual people can take or leave sexual contact as with any other pastime. So they may or may not be open for sex. Being open in the first place and, of course, never settling for someone -- or God forbid expecting them to change -- is what's important.
posted by Countess Elena at 6:22 AM on August 4, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by Countess Elena at 6:22 AM on August 4, 2023 [2 favorites]
Why not start by seeking out platonic friendships with other men? You can practice your social skills and be less lonely while doing it, and (unless you are also really seeking a sexual relationship with them too) not worry about the platonic relationship being "weird".
posted by heatherlogan at 6:34 AM on August 4, 2023 [3 favorites]
posted by heatherlogan at 6:34 AM on August 4, 2023 [3 favorites]
> I am wondering whether to seek out more platonic friendship, or whether that would just cause me hurt and frustration
I'm wondering why you think regular friendships with people will necessarily cause you frustration and hurt? It's one thing to suffer from ED and feel inhibited about sexual relationships, and quite another to be a total hermit with no connections, no community, no friendships. I strongly second the suggestion that you need therapy: give yourself a little time and space and help to understand what is holding you back from relating to other people in *any* way, not merely sexually.
posted by MiraK at 6:36 AM on August 4, 2023 [8 favorites]
I'm wondering why you think regular friendships with people will necessarily cause you frustration and hurt? It's one thing to suffer from ED and feel inhibited about sexual relationships, and quite another to be a total hermit with no connections, no community, no friendships. I strongly second the suggestion that you need therapy: give yourself a little time and space and help to understand what is holding you back from relating to other people in *any* way, not merely sexually.
posted by MiraK at 6:36 AM on August 4, 2023 [8 favorites]
What are your driving passions in life? What do you most value? I'm not talking about hobbies, or things you endure for the sake of being around people. I mean, what activities, philosophies, endeavors, events, books, ideas bring joy into your life?
A common theme that emerges when people seek professional insight into their lonelieness (among many, many other things) is that seeking companionship for companionship's sake is quite often folly. The fertile territory is pursuing the joys in your life so that you may encounter other people with whom you share that joy (those joys). Connections made in pursuit of some mutual interest are simpyl more likely to transform into friendships and relationships of enduring quality and susbtance.
To give you a personal example, I was in my late thirties when my long term marriage ended. I went back to gay bars, which is what I remembered from my social life in my early 20s. I hated almost everything about it, but I felt like that's just a sort of "hobby" that I'm supposed to enjoy. Conversations with close friends (and a therapist) helped me get past that. I just stopped expecting to get my social needs met in loud bars. I put my time into a city-nature group, doing tree plantings and organizing walks and setting up invitational talks from authors of books in that space and on and on. I put that time into learning about sewing and quiltmaking and taking classes and going to exhibits and talking to people at them. I put that time into as many of my passions as I could, and I met more people who I now consider friends in just a few weeks than I had in something like a year of slogging through the assumption of gay bars as a shared "hobby."
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 6:56 AM on August 4, 2023 [15 favorites]
A common theme that emerges when people seek professional insight into their lonelieness (among many, many other things) is that seeking companionship for companionship's sake is quite often folly. The fertile territory is pursuing the joys in your life so that you may encounter other people with whom you share that joy (those joys). Connections made in pursuit of some mutual interest are simpyl more likely to transform into friendships and relationships of enduring quality and susbtance.
To give you a personal example, I was in my late thirties when my long term marriage ended. I went back to gay bars, which is what I remembered from my social life in my early 20s. I hated almost everything about it, but I felt like that's just a sort of "hobby" that I'm supposed to enjoy. Conversations with close friends (and a therapist) helped me get past that. I just stopped expecting to get my social needs met in loud bars. I put my time into a city-nature group, doing tree plantings and organizing walks and setting up invitational talks from authors of books in that space and on and on. I put that time into learning about sewing and quiltmaking and taking classes and going to exhibits and talking to people at them. I put that time into as many of my passions as I could, and I met more people who I now consider friends in just a few weeks than I had in something like a year of slogging through the assumption of gay bars as a shared "hobby."
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 6:56 AM on August 4, 2023 [15 favorites]
I feel like this is two very different questions tangled up. One is:
* I feel shitty about my ED, how do I deal with that?
The other is:
* I have never been great at finding either platonic female friends or fitting in with the culture of men where I live.
And you probably need to tackle both of them. I mean, a rich life has you satisfied with both your sex life (whatever form that takes) and your friendship life. Platonic friendships don't need to be some kind of second best consolation prize that you pursue only because you can't find a sexual partner. They can be a source of their own kind of joy and enrichment, and you deserve that in your life whatever your sexual relationship status!
The first question is probably one to untangle with a therapist.
The second - you ask about how people find platonic friendships - I'm middle aged and have been single a long time and have plenty of platonic friendships and they've mostly come about through shared interest activity groups.
They start as group activities, which are a good thing in themselves because they make you feel part of a community and less isolated. And, over time (which might be months or years), some individual or smaller group friendships emerge. The way you indicate that you want a platonic relationship with someone is by not pursuing a sexual relationship with them, and hanging out regularly at the same place/time (eg. a weekly meet-up) and sticking with it.
As late afternoon dreaming hotel says, pursuing hobbies that interest you is one way to do that. Volunteering is another good option - the activity/cause gives you something specific to bond over and an automatic topic of conversation. Study can be another, taking evening classes in a skill or subject that interests you.
posted by penguin pie at 7:17 AM on August 4, 2023 [6 favorites]
* I feel shitty about my ED, how do I deal with that?
The other is:
* I have never been great at finding either platonic female friends or fitting in with the culture of men where I live.
And you probably need to tackle both of them. I mean, a rich life has you satisfied with both your sex life (whatever form that takes) and your friendship life. Platonic friendships don't need to be some kind of second best consolation prize that you pursue only because you can't find a sexual partner. They can be a source of their own kind of joy and enrichment, and you deserve that in your life whatever your sexual relationship status!
The first question is probably one to untangle with a therapist.
The second - you ask about how people find platonic friendships - I'm middle aged and have been single a long time and have plenty of platonic friendships and they've mostly come about through shared interest activity groups.
They start as group activities, which are a good thing in themselves because they make you feel part of a community and less isolated. And, over time (which might be months or years), some individual or smaller group friendships emerge. The way you indicate that you want a platonic relationship with someone is by not pursuing a sexual relationship with them, and hanging out regularly at the same place/time (eg. a weekly meet-up) and sticking with it.
As late afternoon dreaming hotel says, pursuing hobbies that interest you is one way to do that. Volunteering is another good option - the activity/cause gives you something specific to bond over and an automatic topic of conversation. Study can be another, taking evening classes in a skill or subject that interests you.
posted by penguin pie at 7:17 AM on August 4, 2023 [6 favorites]
I suggest becoming part of a community based on something you enjoy or are at least mildly interested in. Go to hiking meetups or get active with your library's support organization or volunteer at the animal shelter or join the volunteer fire department or local food co-op or whatever.
Do the thing at least once a week. if they have social activities like going out to eat after an event, do that too.
It will probably be uncomfortable and unpleasant for a long time. I find it really hard to do stuff like that because I don't enjoy it until I feel like part of the community, and that can take months to years. So I decide it's not worth it, but then end up in a situation similar to yours where I feel completely isolated.
So do it even though it will suck, just as perhaps you exercise for your health even though you'd rather not. Eventually it will suck less, and odds are good that eventually you'll get something out of it.
I think that having regular ordinary interactions with other people will help you feel better able to navigate other kinds of social connections you may decide you want, as well as giving you a group of people whom you know a little bit and may want to become closer to.
Good luck. I know something about how hard this is, and at times have also considered just becoming a hermit. But when I have periods of isolation like that, even though I do enjoy being alone and don't find it too hard to entertain myself, my life feels a lot less rich and it's harder to be as happy.
posted by metasarah at 7:48 AM on August 4, 2023 [4 favorites]
Do the thing at least once a week. if they have social activities like going out to eat after an event, do that too.
It will probably be uncomfortable and unpleasant for a long time. I find it really hard to do stuff like that because I don't enjoy it until I feel like part of the community, and that can take months to years. So I decide it's not worth it, but then end up in a situation similar to yours where I feel completely isolated.
So do it even though it will suck, just as perhaps you exercise for your health even though you'd rather not. Eventually it will suck less, and odds are good that eventually you'll get something out of it.
I think that having regular ordinary interactions with other people will help you feel better able to navigate other kinds of social connections you may decide you want, as well as giving you a group of people whom you know a little bit and may want to become closer to.
Good luck. I know something about how hard this is, and at times have also considered just becoming a hermit. But when I have periods of isolation like that, even though I do enjoy being alone and don't find it too hard to entertain myself, my life feels a lot less rich and it's harder to be as happy.
posted by metasarah at 7:48 AM on August 4, 2023 [4 favorites]
I am a cis woman in my 60s and I’m not going to date a man who needs penis in vagina sex. That’s because penis in vagina sex hurts now that I’m older. I know that there are lots of ways to address that issue but I am just over it. Other kinds of sex? Happy to consider them.
Sex is about your brain more than anything. Cocks, alas, have been way overrated in our society as a sexual requirement. OP, you have nothing to be ashamed of. But I can understand why you might be ashamed even though you’ve done nothing wrong. There are women out there and men out there, depending on where you live, who would totally be open to dating if you wanted to pursue a sexual relationship with someone.
As others have noted, I think the sex thing and the friendship thing are two separate issues. I grew up in a fundamentalist church which pretty ruined sex for a big chunk of my adulthood. I do think you would benefit from therapy for one or both issues. I will also note that professional sex workers might be available to help you explore having different types of sex if you were open to that.
I live in Sweden, which is not a friendly place except to tourists. I found a café in town where lots of single people and lots of lonely people go and started talking to them. None of them have become my friends but some of them may eventually become my friends. I also started talking to my immediate neighbors, who also are people who may eventually become friends.
This stuff is not easy but don’t give up. I read some advice recently that we should do the things that make us feel the most like ourselves. Not the sad version, but the excited or curious or interested version. Feel free to message me directly if you would like to explore this topic further. I don’t have the answers, but I’m a good listener. Good luck!
posted by Bella Donna at 8:15 AM on August 4, 2023 [16 favorites]
Sex is about your brain more than anything. Cocks, alas, have been way overrated in our society as a sexual requirement. OP, you have nothing to be ashamed of. But I can understand why you might be ashamed even though you’ve done nothing wrong. There are women out there and men out there, depending on where you live, who would totally be open to dating if you wanted to pursue a sexual relationship with someone.
As others have noted, I think the sex thing and the friendship thing are two separate issues. I grew up in a fundamentalist church which pretty ruined sex for a big chunk of my adulthood. I do think you would benefit from therapy for one or both issues. I will also note that professional sex workers might be available to help you explore having different types of sex if you were open to that.
I live in Sweden, which is not a friendly place except to tourists. I found a café in town where lots of single people and lots of lonely people go and started talking to them. None of them have become my friends but some of them may eventually become my friends. I also started talking to my immediate neighbors, who also are people who may eventually become friends.
This stuff is not easy but don’t give up. I read some advice recently that we should do the things that make us feel the most like ourselves. Not the sad version, but the excited or curious or interested version. Feel free to message me directly if you would like to explore this topic further. I don’t have the answers, but I’m a good listener. Good luck!
posted by Bella Donna at 8:15 AM on August 4, 2023 [16 favorites]
Have you considered getting a dog? As a middle aged person with no real desire to get married or even get into a serious relationship, I was fine living by myself. Last year I got a puppy. Its been a major adjustment to my lifestyle but he's been great. Not only is he good company but going on walks has helped me get healthier and socialize with new people. Its a major commitment and should be taken seriously, but he's been the best addition to my life in a long time.
posted by MCTDavid at 9:14 AM on August 4, 2023 [8 favorites]
posted by MCTDavid at 9:14 AM on August 4, 2023 [8 favorites]
I would take a cooking class or an acting class to meet people. The acting class should have some outgoing extroverts. The cooking class should too, and if it doesn’t, well at least you learn to cook.
posted by oldnumberseven at 6:50 PM on August 4, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by oldnumberseven at 6:50 PM on August 4, 2023 [1 favorite]
I feel if I got reasonably close to anyone my lack of relationship experience would leak out, causing pain, but while I avoid that by keeping by myself it's just so depressing
I think this might be the real problem. You feel like you have to live a lie, that it would be devastating if your secret got out. But either a close friendship or an intimate relationship depends on trust and honesty. You don't have a real friend or partner if you think they can never know the truth about you.
Whatever you're seeking: friendship or a sexual partnership with non-penetrative sex, or a sexless partnership, there are other people out there who want the same thing. But to find them you have to be honest about what you want, at a fairly early stage.
In the short term, you're lonely and you can definitely seek out group activies to do, and ways to meet people.
In the long term, you might benefit from some kind of therapy. It seems like you've formed a belief that it would cause terrible pain if your lack of relationship experience leaked out, and that fear is holding you back. You might want to see if a Cognitive Behavioural Therapist can help you challenge that belief, and find out if it's really true.
posted by TheophileEscargot at 7:22 PM on August 4, 2023 [2 favorites]
I think this might be the real problem. You feel like you have to live a lie, that it would be devastating if your secret got out. But either a close friendship or an intimate relationship depends on trust and honesty. You don't have a real friend or partner if you think they can never know the truth about you.
Whatever you're seeking: friendship or a sexual partnership with non-penetrative sex, or a sexless partnership, there are other people out there who want the same thing. But to find them you have to be honest about what you want, at a fairly early stage.
In the short term, you're lonely and you can definitely seek out group activies to do, and ways to meet people.
In the long term, you might benefit from some kind of therapy. It seems like you've formed a belief that it would cause terrible pain if your lack of relationship experience leaked out, and that fear is holding you back. You might want to see if a Cognitive Behavioural Therapist can help you challenge that belief, and find out if it's really true.
posted by TheophileEscargot at 7:22 PM on August 4, 2023 [2 favorites]
I don't have much to add. Just want to second the suggestions as given above.
One thing to think of is that after meeting with like minded people, ask if they would mind a friendly hug as a greeting or a goodbye. When you can give or get a hug whether it's with a friend or lover, something good happens. We all need touch.
some asexual people can take or leave sexual contact as with any other pastime
But most people of any particular flavor are up for nonsexual physical contact. Hugs, spooning, holding hands, massage, scratching backs, cuddling when watching a movie, brushing hair--all of this means more to me than just sex. Even if you have sexual activity of any type, frequent nonsexual physical contact is important.
posted by BlueHorse at 9:41 PM on August 4, 2023 [2 favorites]
One thing to think of is that after meeting with like minded people, ask if they would mind a friendly hug as a greeting or a goodbye. When you can give or get a hug whether it's with a friend or lover, something good happens. We all need touch.
some asexual people can take or leave sexual contact as with any other pastime
But most people of any particular flavor are up for nonsexual physical contact. Hugs, spooning, holding hands, massage, scratching backs, cuddling when watching a movie, brushing hair--all of this means more to me than just sex. Even if you have sexual activity of any type, frequent nonsexual physical contact is important.
posted by BlueHorse at 9:41 PM on August 4, 2023 [2 favorites]
Message me! Fifty something woman, no interest in sex or romance, love culture, books, nature, travel, and I'm happy with occasional contact only.
If you're looking for frequent, regular chats, I'm probably not an ideal friend, but I'm happy to videochat every so often with kindhearted, interesting people.
posted by rabia.elizabeth at 4:11 AM on August 5, 2023 [9 favorites]
If you're looking for frequent, regular chats, I'm probably not an ideal friend, but I'm happy to videochat every so often with kindhearted, interesting people.
posted by rabia.elizabeth at 4:11 AM on August 5, 2023 [9 favorites]
If you’re looking for a sexual relationship there are lots of sexual things to do that don’t involve PIV sex. Mouths, hands, skin, massage, prostates, toys…. Maybe watch some porn centred around those activities and see if that can help you feel more validated.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 4:49 AM on August 5, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by nouvelle-personne at 4:49 AM on August 5, 2023 [1 favorite]
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posted by shadygrove at 5:14 AM on August 4, 2023 [61 favorites]