Sex: you're doing it wrong.
February 20, 2014 4:03 PM Subscribe
I really could use advice on how to improve our sex life (NSFW and snowflakes)
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (27 answers total) 7 users marked this as a favorite
My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years. He is 41 and I am 36 and we've been living together for the past year with full intentions of getting married eventually. We love each other and I honestly believe he is an impeccable match for me and me for him. We are close friends, share interests and social groups, but also do our own thing. There is so much love in our relationship - we do little things for each other, try our best to listen to each other (we have extremely different communication styles - I am a talker and he tends to go into a shell sometimes) and really appreciate each other. It's a good relationship.
When we first started dating and had sex initially it was great. Sure, it was a bit vanilla for me (I like getting bossed around a little, am definitely submissive) but it did it for both of us and that's what counts. This continued on until about the last 6 months. I'm looking for advice on what to do.
The sex has ground to a halt because of me. I just don't want to have it anymore because before he can even get me feeling aroused with foreplay he's close to orgasm, and in the first 30 seconds of PIV sex, he's done and I'm just getting warmed up. Then it's over. This sucks. Every time for the past 6 months this has happened and I'm feeling extremely frustrated.
He claims that he needs me to help him relax during foreplay, but honestly, I'm afraid to touch him for fear of speeding all of this up. I've tried encouraging more foreplay to try to get me on the same page, but it doesn't work and he seems to completely ignore my "help" in showing him where to touch me and how to get things moving. After he's orgasmed I've tried to encourage him to keep touching me, etc. to try to get me to orgasm, but he always says he needs a minute and by then I've lost it and lost interest.
It's getting depressing: he says that the only way he thinks we can fix this "get back on track" (his words) is to have sex every day. I've point blank asked him how he thinks that makes me feel and all he has to say is that he feels badly that he can't satisfy me. Meanwhile I'm dreading more crappy sex where he gets all the pleasure and I'm left with nothing. I'm all for simply enjoying making my partner feel good, but feel like it's just not mutual in a way that feels like he is sincere when he says he feels bad. I cannot do this day in and day out. This makes me feel awful and he has nothing to say about that. Besides, what if one of us is sick or simply exhausted and don't feel like it that night? Am I being unrealistic!? It's not like I don't have any sex drive - I've taken to masturbating more because it's the only way I can get pleasure anymore (and I don't want to do this in front of him, I'm uncomfortable with that. I'm really turned off by me being the dominant one and I just don't want him watching me). I have thought about suggesting that he use my vibrator on me, but don't know how...I don't think he would be perceptive to this and he would feel uncomfortable.
I have (gently and kindly) suggested that he may want to consult with a doctor about ED but he refuses. He has ADD, but refuses medication and therapy. I am in therapy on my own (for anxiety mostly related to work - it's helping soooooo much). What else should I do!? I try to think of sexy things that turn me on when we are in foreplay and be in the moment instead of stressing about the situation; sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. I also like to take my time and his rushing through everything stinks. I've told him all of this and honestly don't know what to do. What would you do? Do I have it all wrong!? :(. I'd love to hear some suggestions, sure fire tips to work, or what else I can say to express this so he gets it. Or maybe I'm the problem? Help?