How to deal with my mother's health issues, without losing my sanity

July 26, 2023 9:29 PM

This is a follow up to my last question, about noticing my mother's infected foot (now leg) before going on a vacation. I went on the vacation, I had a good time! It was much needed (obviously). I returned last week and my mother's foot/leg wasn't much better, I'd say it was worse. Her health issues and dealing with medical professionals with regards to her sends my anxiety into the stratosphere. How do I deal with this situation without getting over-loaded by anxiety?

Her foot and leg has definitely gotten worse since I returned from my trip. This rash/infection has pretty much taken over lower leg and foot. It's stark comparing it to her other leg. It's also, really, really gross. It's pretty obviously infected. Another reason why I think it's infected is that she was pretty tired today, she went to bed at 5pm, which is out of the ordinary for her. Judging by her behaviour during the past few days, this matches how she behaved when she had a UTI a few years ago. She agreed to go to the doctor tomorrow.

This is where I'm getting starting to get stressed out. My entire day is going to be focused around her and she's just exhausting to deal with. I'm sure from my questions it sounds like I'm probably always on some crisis with her, but that's not actually the case. She's actually been "easier to deal with" for the past three-ish years. She had a doctor she saw regularly, her medication was properly managed, etc. Now her doctor started a new practice and only sees patients once a month (now he's on vacation until October), so the ball really dropped with that.Because her doctor is on vacation, we'll see whatever random doctor is at the clinic. I feel like this is an entire waste of time because her infection is BAD, the clinic is not going to be able to do anything about it (maybe they could dress it?) and they're going to tell her to go straight to the ER. This happened before (three years ago) when she stubbed her toe and "let it get infected." The doctor took one look at it and noticed the cellulitis and told us to go ASAP. I'd rather go straight to the ER.

I know I sound fucking selfish, but I dread spending my entire day (and next few days, weeks) dealing with her health so intimately. I hate dealing with the various medical professionals. I feel like I have to repeat the same things over and over again. She presents herself so differently to doctors and nurses (well, and strangers) that they really don't believe much I say about her. Or, at least, I don't think they do. I get really defensive and I probably come off as a huge bitch! I have been and WILL BE (this is how the medical system is where I am) for not doing "enough" by whatever doctors and nurses see her. I know I will be. It's happened before and it will happen again.

This also brings up a lot of old feelings surrounding my dad's illness because, oh... I can just up and quit my job to take care of my dying dad, duh!! That's why daughters exist, right? I know I'll have to fight tooth and nail (and be a bitch about it!!!!) for something like home care (to change any dressings, for example) for my mother. I can't deal with that shit, there's a reason why I never thought about entering any area of healthcare. I don't have the stomach for it, then multiply that by my mother. I also have a VERY low empathetic tolerace for my mother. For example, when she whines about getting her blood taken (like a drama queen) all I can do is roll my eyes. I just can't handle this performance she puts on!!

And of course when I deal with doctors at the hospital, they're going to bring up her competence, etc. etc. does anything ever get done about this? Is anything ever followed-up on? Will she "willingly" go see a geritatician to get any sort of diagnosis? No!!!! So much of everything feels like a waste of time.

Okay, that's A LOT... for my question, how do I take her to the doctor/ER/deal with the doctors in the hospital for the next few days following whatever will happen without losing my sanity? Selfishly, how can I make this less difficult and stressful for ME?

I am already in therapy, so no need to suggest that. Please don't chastise me for taking my mother to the doctor, either.

posted by VirginiaPlain to Human Relations (18 answers total)

Best answer: Did I miss something? Why not go straight to the ER?

If they give her IV antibiotics it will probably take a couple of hours, minimum, once they even get the bag hung, so bring snacks, books, a power bank, a warm wrap...if you're hungry or uncomfortable it will make everything twice as hard for you.
posted by praemunire at 9:37 PM on July 26, 2023 [12 favorites]

Response by poster: Because she doesn't WANT to go to the ER, she agreed to only go to the doctor. She refuses to go the ER, still!!! I'm sure the doctor telling her to go to the ER will be the only way she listens. I have no desire to scream and argue with her about this, even if going to the ER is... logical.
posted by VirginiaPlain at 9:40 PM on July 26, 2023 [2 favorites]

It sounds like she's having a medical emergency and you're, understandably, at the end of your rope, emotional-coping-wise. I feel for you. Sometimes situations like these arise, and they cannot be avoided. They must be gotten through.

So you need something to help you get through this medical emergency of Mom's. If it were me, I'd call in to my own doctor for a few days' supply of Xanax or another anti-anxiety med. Medication *for you* can help Mom too, by helping you keep it together while you help her with her emergency.

Be aware that meds could affect your memory. Making written notes on a notepad could be helpful.
posted by (F)utility at 9:59 PM on July 26, 2023 [5 favorites]

Best answer: If a doctor or nurse tells you that you can do wound dressing at home,

use phrases

"that is not possible"

"unfortunately, that is not possible"

"I cannot do that, we will need to arrange home healthcare visits"
posted by chariot pulled by cassowaries at 10:17 PM on July 26, 2023 [31 favorites]

It might be helpful to preplan

"if mom does X, then I will do Y"

eg what will you do if the GP says to go to ER, but your Mom refuses?
posted by chariot pulled by cassowaries at 10:27 PM on July 26, 2023 [1 favorite]

Best answer: Um, you are driving her, correct? If so, then she can’t really refused to go to the ER, can she?

Take her directly to the emergency room, please, don’t waste anybody’s time at the clinic, including your own.
posted by tristeza at 10:28 PM on July 26, 2023 [17 favorites]

Response by poster: Yeah, I thought about it after I replied to praemunire, but I've decided to just take her directly to the ER. That does make the most sense.
posted by VirginiaPlain at 10:33 PM on July 26, 2023 [24 favorites]

I posted an ask in 2018 about being in a similarly frustrating situation with my mom.
posted by mermaidcafe at 11:02 PM on July 26, 2023

If she must hear it from a medical professional use a nurse hotline or something like MDLive. I don’t bother calling them anymore because they have directed me to the ER 100% of the time. Leave a message with her clinic tonight canceling her appointment because things have escalated and you are going straight to the ER.

Tell the ER that she needs a care plan for when she is released. Push very hard on you needing a home health aid as you will not be available for dressing changes. You might call from the ER to her clinic and see if she can come in daily for the wound care. Arrange medical transport or an uber if you don’t want to go.
posted by Bottlecap at 1:02 AM on July 27, 2023 [6 favorites]

I would try lying and say I don't live in the same city. I would say like "she has noone to help her, I just arrived from (holiday destination) yesterday and found she's been living like this, not taking care of herself, its terrible, she's going to need at home help when she gets released. That's not even a lie, you know?
posted by Iteki at 2:35 AM on July 27, 2023 [13 favorites]

Ok, so here is the terrible truth that I already regret typing: you are now the adult in this situation. If your mom wants or doesn’t want something that is objectively (and by this I only mean medically) bad for her, you get to override it - the same way you would with a child who didn’t want to go to a doctor. Not wanting to go to the doctor is often based in fear, even when it’s expressed as other emotions or rationalizations. You’re sadly in the parent’s/grownup’s role now, and while addressing those fears as fears will probably only backfire, being aware that they’re there should hopefully make it easier for you to be the person who does the right thing and helps them be brave (gives them reasons to help them accept the choices you make).

Reframing your relationship from this position of power should also give you some release from anxiety. You’re driving - you get to decide the destination. You’re both talking to the doctor - you also can be sweet and conversational and kind while talking about your mother’s symptoms-and even contradicting them. No one will think you “come off as a huge bitch” if instead of arguing or contradicting your mother in a frustrated way, you look the doctor in the eye and smile and tell them the truth the same way a parent does after their child has happily told the doctor that they don’t need the shot after all. Doctors will believe you more than they believe her if you simply present the facts and they see the evidence in her symptoms- especially since lots of elderly patients will have the exact same behaviors your mother does - and the same pleasant way of saying their kids are overreacting.

I agree that your mother needs a geriatric practitioner now - she’ll get much better care. Like I said, a lot of the things your mother is doing and experiencing that make her conditions worse are pretty common as people age. The fact that her current doctor is rarely available anymore will work in your favor here. Find a good doctor, make an appointment with him/her for the next time your mother is due to be seen for something, and tell your mom the easiest truth: I couldn’t get an appointment with Dr. _____, because they don’t have many hours open any more and are retiring soon, this doctor is highly recommended, and I’d rather you go to someone I know is good than whatever random doctor we would get if we stay with the other practice. You don’t have to use the word “geriatric” at all.

I think the anxiety comes from being her kid, and not wanting to face her treating you like her kid: reprimanding you, contradicting you as if you’re being rude, siding with the other “grown ups” (the doctors) against you, making you feel bad for not doing what she wants. Especially when you’re the one doing all the hard stuff for her. And I think the best way out of that cycle is to give yourself permission to be in charge, not because you have to as her daughter - but because now you have to as her parent. It’s a weird reframing (and I can say from experience with my father that it hurts a bit because of what it means you’re giving up emotionally), but as she gets older and needs more help will also be the most loving way to tend to her needs.
posted by Mchelly at 3:14 AM on July 27, 2023 [19 favorites]

I am going to offer a slightly contrarian viewpoint. I am not so sure that you don't understand or accept that you are in control and are parenting your mother. It sounds like you know this and are (quite fairly) chafing against it. You did not ask for this, it benefits absolutely everyone else at great personal cost, many others never have to go through it, and it sounds from past posts like you may have been parentified in childhood, which is particularly damaging and can make this season of adulthood seem endless.

Two thoughts on strategy if this rings true at all:

1. You can leave. If the hospital is not a horrible one and you have conveyed the information that the staff needs such that an appropriate treatment has started, there is nothing to require you to be bedside through what sounds like an inevitable IV treatment. Family members of hospitalized people have jobs, other family, their own care needs, etc. that prevent them from sitting vigil *even when they want to.* You can leave your contact information with staff and asked to be called if and when you're needed back to make any decision or provide transport.

2. You can try to disassociate and think of your mother as someone else's mother and a relative stranger to you. Consider yourself a helpful volunteer or Good Samaritan, not a put-upon daughter.

3. As others have noted, you can tell social work/nurses/whatever the local equivalent that you are not able to care for your mother post-discharge and ask for a care plan. If you have any compunction about saying this when it is literally possible for you to continue being her sole caretaker, consider that your mother is a human being who is suffering and by virtue of that alone does deserve *non-hostile* care, which you cannot fully provide at this time while also taking care of yourself. My (US-based) experience is that insisting on post-discharge support will get you about 20% of what would actually be needed, but that bit of relief can be crucial.

Good luck. I have been thinking of you and am so glad you went on that vacation.
posted by LadyInWaiting at 4:00 AM on July 27, 2023 [41 favorites]

LadyInWaiting’s response is absolutely spot on, especially if you have been doing this all of your life. Please do put yourself first, however you can.
posted by veebs at 5:07 AM on July 27, 2023 [4 favorites]

If you can't initiate additional help from the hospital, presumably you'll have to take her soon for follow-up with her doctor. Go into the exam room with her, and tell the doctor you need to initiate outside help because you can't manage her care alone anymore.
posted by Lyn Never at 6:01 AM on July 27, 2023 [2 favorites]

Seconding LadyInWaiting’s sage advice— I will also say I had a similar issue in 2021 (my mom lost blood flow to her leg due to smoking) and she did not want to go to the ER and kept pushing it off (probably due to fear and stubbornness). I don’t advise it (for your own personal mental health obviously), but the thing that did get her to go was breaking down in front of her and saying i didn’t want her to die, and that her inaction was terrifying me. Thankfully the ER saved her life- she lost part of her foot and spent 9 months recovering, but it was a wake up call that she didn’t want to get stuck in this situation again.

But your mom sounds even more challenging and I also didn’t handle her healthcare previously like you have over the years— so I hope you can get her to the ER, advocate for outside help as much as possible, and be gentle with yourself in the process.
posted by actionpact at 6:30 AM on July 27, 2023 [1 favorite]

I am a nurse and am in this exact situation with my in-laws. I'm the primary medical advocate for them (my wife and her brother are great, but I'm the one who speaks the language). We are ALL exhausted, bitter, annoyed to be in the role of non-stop decision maker and "parent" - it's a natural response, especially if the relationship you have with your parent is complicated and as much (or more) obligation as it is love.

It's okay to feel the way you do. Also, as a nurse, I and most of my colleagues understand how frustrating it is in these situations. We're not all judging you.
posted by Pantengliopoli at 6:47 AM on July 27, 2023 [11 favorites]

Yeah, straight to the ER. If she balks at this, tell her she is either going to die from this, or lose her leg. And this is not a threat, or a coercion, it's just the facts.

As someone who also doesn't like to go to the doctor, not doing so has led to a long 9 months of pain and suffering. When I had a recurrence, I went in the next day, and only had to spend one night in the hospital, instead of three and a half weeks.

It also sounds like you need to get a medical power of attorney, so you can consent to treatment. When I was in the ICU, I heard a situation happening a few rooms over. They brought an older lady in, and she refused treatment and left. In the ICU!?

And totally get home health care after.

Good luck, be strong. We are all rooting for you!
posted by Windopaene at 8:31 AM on July 27, 2023 [1 favorite]

Can you drop her off at the ER and leave, or will she fail to get treatment if you do? Because I would not subject anyone I care about to interminable hours at an ER just to keep me company. (Locally to me, it usually takes about 12 hours to be seen now, not including any treatment following that.)
posted by metasarah at 9:54 AM on July 27, 2023 [1 favorite]