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July 16, 2023 8:55 PM Subscribe
How did you personally overcome social anxiety?
I'm 37 and I feel like my social anxiety has been holding me back. I've had an issue with it ever since high school and have been to therapy and have been on anxiety meds. I'm currently not doing any of that because of my job situation. I plan to go back once I'm able to - but for now, I want to learn how to handle it and deal with it on my own.
My social anxiety isn't too debilitating - I'm able to function but it's incredibly hard. I feel like it was a little bit easier to get by when I was younger but now I'm really noticing it since I moved across the country. I haven't been able to make a single friend - and it's mostly because I isolate myself. I live in a very busy and populated city in southern California - and there's always an opportunity for me to simply say hi and get to know people. But the anxiety pretty much paralyzes me - I feel like it's safer to stare off into the distance and not say anything or just ignore people.
I recently started freelancing at an agency and I work two days in the office. I'm hoping to be hired full time but I feel I have more of a chance if I get to know my co-workers. I'm pretty horrible at starting conversation and I'm feeling more and more alienated and it's pretty stressful.
I'd like to know other people's journeys in overcoming their social anxiety.
I know therapy and medication can definitely help and that's in the cards - but I feel like I'd be more motivated / inspired reading other people's success stories.
Thanks!
I'm 37 and I feel like my social anxiety has been holding me back. I've had an issue with it ever since high school and have been to therapy and have been on anxiety meds. I'm currently not doing any of that because of my job situation. I plan to go back once I'm able to - but for now, I want to learn how to handle it and deal with it on my own.
My social anxiety isn't too debilitating - I'm able to function but it's incredibly hard. I feel like it was a little bit easier to get by when I was younger but now I'm really noticing it since I moved across the country. I haven't been able to make a single friend - and it's mostly because I isolate myself. I live in a very busy and populated city in southern California - and there's always an opportunity for me to simply say hi and get to know people. But the anxiety pretty much paralyzes me - I feel like it's safer to stare off into the distance and not say anything or just ignore people.
I recently started freelancing at an agency and I work two days in the office. I'm hoping to be hired full time but I feel I have more of a chance if I get to know my co-workers. I'm pretty horrible at starting conversation and I'm feeling more and more alienated and it's pretty stressful.
I'd like to know other people's journeys in overcoming their social anxiety.
I know therapy and medication can definitely help and that's in the cards - but I feel like I'd be more motivated / inspired reading other people's success stories.
Thanks!
the anxiety pretty much paralyzes me - I feel like it's safer to stare off into the distance and not say anything or just ignore people.
Social anxiety is one of a large class of self-perpetuating internal behaviours. As such, it has a self that it wants to preserve; a self that fears its own annihilation. So when the social anxiety habit is in charge of your brain, that "feel like it's safer" is the anxiety habit looking out for itself, not for its host i.e. you.
From the anxiety's own perspective, it is safer to stare off into the distance and avoid people. That's exactly the correct procedure for preserving social anxiety.
But the thing you need to realize about anxiety is that it's basically a mooch, moving in uninvited and helping itself to everything in your fridge. And like any mooch, it's going to use every trick in the book to make you feel bad about evicting it.
I recommend evicting it anyway. Because from your perspective as a whole person, living in a world full of hazards that are often navigated better with tiny bits of help from random passers-by, you're actually far safer with less social anxiety. It is holding you back.
So practice confronting it. Start by resolving to make some anodyne remark about the weather to at least three random strangers every day. When you do, expect your anxiety to chaff you with a bunch of static about oh my god did you see the way she looked at me what a total idiot she must think I am oh my god oh my god oh my god. Counter that with a quick personal safety scan: is anything bad actually happening to you as a result of that brief and low-stakes engagement, or is that just the mooch trying to persuade you to let it keep on living rent-free in your head? Nine times out of ten it's going to be the latter.
Building up a bank of inconsequential interactions with other people will help you remind yourself that yes, actually, you can just initiate contact without anything terrible happening. And once that becomes your default expectation for the ways that encounters with others will go, I think you'll find social anxiety much less disabling.
Took me until I was about 40 to figure this out. Hope it's of use to you.
posted by flabdablet at 10:35 PM on July 16, 2023 [38 favorites]
Social anxiety is one of a large class of self-perpetuating internal behaviours. As such, it has a self that it wants to preserve; a self that fears its own annihilation. So when the social anxiety habit is in charge of your brain, that "feel like it's safer" is the anxiety habit looking out for itself, not for its host i.e. you.
From the anxiety's own perspective, it is safer to stare off into the distance and avoid people. That's exactly the correct procedure for preserving social anxiety.
But the thing you need to realize about anxiety is that it's basically a mooch, moving in uninvited and helping itself to everything in your fridge. And like any mooch, it's going to use every trick in the book to make you feel bad about evicting it.
I recommend evicting it anyway. Because from your perspective as a whole person, living in a world full of hazards that are often navigated better with tiny bits of help from random passers-by, you're actually far safer with less social anxiety. It is holding you back.
So practice confronting it. Start by resolving to make some anodyne remark about the weather to at least three random strangers every day. When you do, expect your anxiety to chaff you with a bunch of static about oh my god did you see the way she looked at me what a total idiot she must think I am oh my god oh my god oh my god. Counter that with a quick personal safety scan: is anything bad actually happening to you as a result of that brief and low-stakes engagement, or is that just the mooch trying to persuade you to let it keep on living rent-free in your head? Nine times out of ten it's going to be the latter.
Building up a bank of inconsequential interactions with other people will help you remind yourself that yes, actually, you can just initiate contact without anything terrible happening. And once that becomes your default expectation for the ways that encounters with others will go, I think you'll find social anxiety much less disabling.
Took me until I was about 40 to figure this out. Hope it's of use to you.
posted by flabdablet at 10:35 PM on July 16, 2023 [38 favorites]
One little clarification: that self that the anxiety has, the one it wants to preserve at all costs? When the anxiety is doing its thing in your brain, that self is going to feel like you.
But it isn't you. It's just itself.
The real you has a heart and lungs and guts and all that good stuff. Arms and legs and hands and feet and eyes and ears as well, if you're lucky. Keeping that stuff in good order is what actually keeps you safe.
posted by flabdablet at 10:49 PM on July 16, 2023 [4 favorites]
But it isn't you. It's just itself.
The real you has a heart and lungs and guts and all that good stuff. Arms and legs and hands and feet and eyes and ears as well, if you're lucky. Keeping that stuff in good order is what actually keeps you safe.
posted by flabdablet at 10:49 PM on July 16, 2023 [4 favorites]
If you can't access therapy and meds right now, could you maybe at least work through some workbooks, e.g. Feeling Good or The Happiness Trap?
I do agree, though, that practice is key. One thing that helped me tremendously when I was younger and more anxious was volunteering in a public-facing position at a science museum. For up to four hours a week I was making low-stakes small talk with complete strangers. And nothing bad happened! (I mean, yes, occasionally someone would want to get in an argument about evolution, and one time someone shat on the floor, but over the 99.999% of the interactions were somewhere between boringly neutral and amazing.)
Doing something like that might sound like an insurmountable challenge to you, but for me it was easier than just generic "initiate contact with people" for a couple reasons:
- I had a responsibility to help and educate the museum visitors
- I had some scripts/talking points to get started with (and sometimes people approached *me* with questions)
- I was encouraged to observe more experienced volunteers/workers and learn from how they interacted with visitors
- I never saw 99.999% of those people again so even if I came across weird (I did, sometimes!), who cares!
Anyway, maybe consider something like that? It could be volunteering or it could even be a couple of shifts a week at your local bar or coffee shop.
posted by mskyle at 11:18 PM on July 16, 2023 [3 favorites]
I do agree, though, that practice is key. One thing that helped me tremendously when I was younger and more anxious was volunteering in a public-facing position at a science museum. For up to four hours a week I was making low-stakes small talk with complete strangers. And nothing bad happened! (I mean, yes, occasionally someone would want to get in an argument about evolution, and one time someone shat on the floor, but over the 99.999% of the interactions were somewhere between boringly neutral and amazing.)
Doing something like that might sound like an insurmountable challenge to you, but for me it was easier than just generic "initiate contact with people" for a couple reasons:
- I had a responsibility to help and educate the museum visitors
- I had some scripts/talking points to get started with (and sometimes people approached *me* with questions)
- I was encouraged to observe more experienced volunteers/workers and learn from how they interacted with visitors
- I never saw 99.999% of those people again so even if I came across weird (I did, sometimes!), who cares!
Anyway, maybe consider something like that? It could be volunteering or it could even be a couple of shifts a week at your local bar or coffee shop.
posted by mskyle at 11:18 PM on July 16, 2023 [3 favorites]
What helped me a lot was a career in journalism.
Since childhood other people have terrified me, but a journalist calls strangers from out of nowhere, or stops them on the street, and instigates a conversation, many times every day. I really wanted to get paid to write, so I pretended to be capable of doing these things, since work required it of me.
The pretense demanded a type of person other than my own, and I gave myself leave to act like I was someone else, and permitted my real self to hide from the situation until it was over.
The journalist I pretended to be was motivated by curiousity about other people and their circumstances. The conversations this person sought and initiated were prompted by a sincere interest in what other people had to say.
I also pretended to be a thoughtful and empathetic person who notices minor cues from other people and responds appropriately, keeping or closing distance where it fits the moment.
Lots of difficult interviews taught me not to take it too hard when someone didn't want to talk, and to remain open toward people who for their own reasons aren't inclined in my favor.
It didn't take that much practice before it was within my power to converse with strangers. It's something that comes easily now, and it's enjoyable to me. I enjoy finding out more about other people, and I enjoy interacting with them.
My view of the mechanics involved has changed along the way. What was once a pretense is now understood as a valued capacity developed intentionally. It's just me doing my best to participate in life.
I hope that helps.
posted by cthlsgnd at 11:20 PM on July 16, 2023 [13 favorites]
Since childhood other people have terrified me, but a journalist calls strangers from out of nowhere, or stops them on the street, and instigates a conversation, many times every day. I really wanted to get paid to write, so I pretended to be capable of doing these things, since work required it of me.
The pretense demanded a type of person other than my own, and I gave myself leave to act like I was someone else, and permitted my real self to hide from the situation until it was over.
The journalist I pretended to be was motivated by curiousity about other people and their circumstances. The conversations this person sought and initiated were prompted by a sincere interest in what other people had to say.
I also pretended to be a thoughtful and empathetic person who notices minor cues from other people and responds appropriately, keeping or closing distance where it fits the moment.
Lots of difficult interviews taught me not to take it too hard when someone didn't want to talk, and to remain open toward people who for their own reasons aren't inclined in my favor.
It didn't take that much practice before it was within my power to converse with strangers. It's something that comes easily now, and it's enjoyable to me. I enjoy finding out more about other people, and I enjoy interacting with them.
My view of the mechanics involved has changed along the way. What was once a pretense is now understood as a valued capacity developed intentionally. It's just me doing my best to participate in life.
I hope that helps.
posted by cthlsgnd at 11:20 PM on July 16, 2023 [13 favorites]
I can relate. I've found that connecting to people is a lot easier when I'm feeling confident.
When I don't feel confident, I experience anxious rumination, like "This person is probably not interested in talking to anxious me, let's not bother them". Whenever I ignore those thoughts to make conversation anyway, that generally just results in a rather forced exchange of awkwardness. So there seems to be some truth to my anxious rumination. Most people don't seem to particularly enjoy talking to anxious persons who make things awkward. I certainly don't.
For me, confidence comes from setting goals and meeting them. In my case that means working out, practicing music, and in general finding room for goal-directed activities in my life (besides my job). Whatever justifies the joy of accomplishment. The kind of joy that makes you want to share with others, and to do so with energy and enthusiasm. I've found that this makes it a lot more attractive for most people to talk to me, which in turn makes me much less anxious about talking to people.
posted by dmh at 2:32 AM on July 17, 2023 [4 favorites]
When I don't feel confident, I experience anxious rumination, like "This person is probably not interested in talking to anxious me, let's not bother them". Whenever I ignore those thoughts to make conversation anyway, that generally just results in a rather forced exchange of awkwardness. So there seems to be some truth to my anxious rumination. Most people don't seem to particularly enjoy talking to anxious persons who make things awkward. I certainly don't.
For me, confidence comes from setting goals and meeting them. In my case that means working out, practicing music, and in general finding room for goal-directed activities in my life (besides my job). Whatever justifies the joy of accomplishment. The kind of joy that makes you want to share with others, and to do so with energy and enthusiasm. I've found that this makes it a lot more attractive for most people to talk to me, which in turn makes me much less anxious about talking to people.
posted by dmh at 2:32 AM on July 17, 2023 [4 favorites]
It mostly comes down to practice and preparation.
Preparation, in the case of social anxiety, primarily comes in two forms for me. One is knowing as much as I can about the situation I'm walking into - how to get there, where to park, what will happen when I go inside, what I might be asked to choose in terms of food/equipment/seating, etc - not as big a deal for you at work, but may be helpful for other environments.
The other thing is pre-loading things I might be called on to chit-chat about. Today being Monday morning, I always prepare myself a couple of chat-friendly talking points about what I did this weekend, so that I'm not cornered and just say "nothing" like I don't want to talk about it, and also so I don't panic and talk too long about cleaning: we went out to dinner, and I did chores/admin stuff but I did that while listening to a biography of Terry Pratchett (and I have a succinct description of who he is ready, if necessary). If I ask someone what they did this weekend and they mention something I am familiar with but not my prepared talking points (or unfamiliar but intrigued), I am practiced enough to flex to those topics, and this is a skill that comes with time and experience.
For work, you may want to work on a couple of elevator pitches for what you do at the company, as this is a natural means of introduction. "Hello, I'm Lyn, I'm working on the widget marketing team." If you're doing work that maybe needs more explanation or invites follow-up questions, come up with a sentence that explains or answers the most obvious questions.
And then obviously, you should be interested in other people and ask them questions, which takes half the thinking burden off you but also people expect these exchanges to be interactive.
For the most part, there's really no way to combat this except to push through the anxiety and do it. Be a person managing social anxiety, not a person controlled by social anxiety. Social anxiety is often a condition of shrinking walls - if you do nothing, eventually you're just smushed into a cube by them. Pushing the walls out, over and over again, is how you gain more and more space where you're relatively comfortable. Literally get OUT of your comfort zone as a practice and habit. Does that mean you'll never have a moment of awkwardness or a full-on attack of shyness? No, but even those experiences teach you that they're not fatal or even most of the time any kind of big deal. That's a necessary lesson.
I do agree that workbooks are good, and can take you through the 101 stage of various therapeutic methods (most commonly CBT, DBT, and/or ACT) that are not complicated enough to need a therapist to teach you. They will give you tools to put in your toolbox, which is preparation.
posted by Lyn Never at 5:14 AM on July 17, 2023 [1 favorite]
Preparation, in the case of social anxiety, primarily comes in two forms for me. One is knowing as much as I can about the situation I'm walking into - how to get there, where to park, what will happen when I go inside, what I might be asked to choose in terms of food/equipment/seating, etc - not as big a deal for you at work, but may be helpful for other environments.
The other thing is pre-loading things I might be called on to chit-chat about. Today being Monday morning, I always prepare myself a couple of chat-friendly talking points about what I did this weekend, so that I'm not cornered and just say "nothing" like I don't want to talk about it, and also so I don't panic and talk too long about cleaning: we went out to dinner, and I did chores/admin stuff but I did that while listening to a biography of Terry Pratchett (and I have a succinct description of who he is ready, if necessary). If I ask someone what they did this weekend and they mention something I am familiar with but not my prepared talking points (or unfamiliar but intrigued), I am practiced enough to flex to those topics, and this is a skill that comes with time and experience.
For work, you may want to work on a couple of elevator pitches for what you do at the company, as this is a natural means of introduction. "Hello, I'm Lyn, I'm working on the widget marketing team." If you're doing work that maybe needs more explanation or invites follow-up questions, come up with a sentence that explains or answers the most obvious questions.
And then obviously, you should be interested in other people and ask them questions, which takes half the thinking burden off you but also people expect these exchanges to be interactive.
For the most part, there's really no way to combat this except to push through the anxiety and do it. Be a person managing social anxiety, not a person controlled by social anxiety. Social anxiety is often a condition of shrinking walls - if you do nothing, eventually you're just smushed into a cube by them. Pushing the walls out, over and over again, is how you gain more and more space where you're relatively comfortable. Literally get OUT of your comfort zone as a practice and habit. Does that mean you'll never have a moment of awkwardness or a full-on attack of shyness? No, but even those experiences teach you that they're not fatal or even most of the time any kind of big deal. That's a necessary lesson.
I do agree that workbooks are good, and can take you through the 101 stage of various therapeutic methods (most commonly CBT, DBT, and/or ACT) that are not complicated enough to need a therapist to teach you. They will give you tools to put in your toolbox, which is preparation.
posted by Lyn Never at 5:14 AM on July 17, 2023 [1 favorite]
Cognitive behavioural therapy for social anxiety in a group therapy course. I don't think you will find any more effective treatment than this (and I speak from experience having overcome social anxiety in this same context)
posted by winterportage at 5:42 AM on July 17, 2023
posted by winterportage at 5:42 AM on July 17, 2023
I know this is not much help but I think you just literally have to go do it over and over even if it sucks.
There's the parable of the clay pottery class where one class was told they were to be graded on the best pot they could make, while the other was told they were being graded on the sheer number of pots they made. The class that spent the whole semester theorizing and fussing over one single pot turned out to be much worse at pottery at the end of it compared to the class that churned out a hundred pots of different shapes, sizes and designs.
Or for ranked competitive games, where it feels really awful to get beaten by your opponent and made doubly worse by your rank going backwards, putting you even further from your goal, so you get people who practice a lot in unranked, then only going to play ranked when conditions are "perfect". But then the practice in unranked isn't "real" practice since other people aren't taking it seriously either. As opposed to a system that goes, you'll get a reward by playing 100 ranked games, regardless of whether you won or lost them. So you go in not really caring about whether you win or lose, but then once you're in it you naturally start learning how it works and how to win.
Some preparation is good (have your talking points ready). I think you just have to divorce yourself from caring about the outcome and just taking the view that you're going to try talk to 100 people. You'd be surprised at how much people love talking about themselves if you show some interest in them. If you have an open and curious persona it will take you a long way.
I used to be so afraid of people I would refuse the answer the phone, I stuttered and couldn't get my words out. Even worse was calling someone!
I had a bunch of challenges foisted onto me through circumstances beyond my control. I was bad with speaking see, so I expressed myself through words, and as a writer I suddenly got asked to supervisor a bunch of slightly younger people at a journalism camp where we had to go into a random town we had never been to before and just talk to anyone who was willing to speak with us and try get a human interest "angle" on the town, its history, what people are like, etc. I went into the wilderness, camping, climbing mountains, and then you lose a lot of your self inhibitions, because, who cares, I once took a shit right in the open, whatever, I'll do it again if I have to, life's too short to care about stuff like that.
I used to hate getting up and presenting in front of the room of 100 people or so, but then I was forced to do so over and over at work and after a few years I suddenly realised that it didn't bother me in the least anymore.
posted by xdvesper at 6:13 AM on July 17, 2023
There's the parable of the clay pottery class where one class was told they were to be graded on the best pot they could make, while the other was told they were being graded on the sheer number of pots they made. The class that spent the whole semester theorizing and fussing over one single pot turned out to be much worse at pottery at the end of it compared to the class that churned out a hundred pots of different shapes, sizes and designs.
Or for ranked competitive games, where it feels really awful to get beaten by your opponent and made doubly worse by your rank going backwards, putting you even further from your goal, so you get people who practice a lot in unranked, then only going to play ranked when conditions are "perfect". But then the practice in unranked isn't "real" practice since other people aren't taking it seriously either. As opposed to a system that goes, you'll get a reward by playing 100 ranked games, regardless of whether you won or lost them. So you go in not really caring about whether you win or lose, but then once you're in it you naturally start learning how it works and how to win.
Some preparation is good (have your talking points ready). I think you just have to divorce yourself from caring about the outcome and just taking the view that you're going to try talk to 100 people. You'd be surprised at how much people love talking about themselves if you show some interest in them. If you have an open and curious persona it will take you a long way.
I used to be so afraid of people I would refuse the answer the phone, I stuttered and couldn't get my words out. Even worse was calling someone!
I had a bunch of challenges foisted onto me through circumstances beyond my control. I was bad with speaking see, so I expressed myself through words, and as a writer I suddenly got asked to supervisor a bunch of slightly younger people at a journalism camp where we had to go into a random town we had never been to before and just talk to anyone who was willing to speak with us and try get a human interest "angle" on the town, its history, what people are like, etc. I went into the wilderness, camping, climbing mountains, and then you lose a lot of your self inhibitions, because, who cares, I once took a shit right in the open, whatever, I'll do it again if I have to, life's too short to care about stuff like that.
I used to hate getting up and presenting in front of the room of 100 people or so, but then I was forced to do so over and over at work and after a few years I suddenly realised that it didn't bother me in the least anymore.
posted by xdvesper at 6:13 AM on July 17, 2023
I've struggled with pretty severe social anxiety and now feel almost totally free of it, it definitely is possible!
For me, as people have mentioned, it helped being "forced" to interact with lots of people in a semi-scripted mode. For me, that was union organizing. I had to talk to a lot of people I didn't know well and find common ground quickly.
I've also done a lot of door knocking and phone calls for political candidates and while that's definitely playing on hard mode -- people absolutely can and do say wild, out of pocket things to strangers knocking on their door -- it does make you realize that even if the very worst thing happens, like that someone is mad at you for disrupting their life and thinks you're a total jerk, actually that's not the end of the world and doesn't really affect you after the interaction is done.
I also found working retail helpful for getting lots of short, simple social interactions under my belt though again, people can and will be rude on a regular basis.
Finally, I spend a lot of time and energy in conversations reminding myself to really focus on what the other person is saying and ask them questions that I genuinely want to know the answer to, rather than responses that show off my knowledge or my own experience or what I think is the right thing to say. It's a win-win -- I feel like I have less of a chance to "say the wrong thing," I learn about the thing I'm actually curious about, and I also come across as a good listener. People really like being listened to!
posted by LeeLanded at 6:29 AM on July 17, 2023 [2 favorites]
For me, as people have mentioned, it helped being "forced" to interact with lots of people in a semi-scripted mode. For me, that was union organizing. I had to talk to a lot of people I didn't know well and find common ground quickly.
I've also done a lot of door knocking and phone calls for political candidates and while that's definitely playing on hard mode -- people absolutely can and do say wild, out of pocket things to strangers knocking on their door -- it does make you realize that even if the very worst thing happens, like that someone is mad at you for disrupting their life and thinks you're a total jerk, actually that's not the end of the world and doesn't really affect you after the interaction is done.
I also found working retail helpful for getting lots of short, simple social interactions under my belt though again, people can and will be rude on a regular basis.
Finally, I spend a lot of time and energy in conversations reminding myself to really focus on what the other person is saying and ask them questions that I genuinely want to know the answer to, rather than responses that show off my knowledge or my own experience or what I think is the right thing to say. It's a win-win -- I feel like I have less of a chance to "say the wrong thing," I learn about the thing I'm actually curious about, and I also come across as a good listener. People really like being listened to!
posted by LeeLanded at 6:29 AM on July 17, 2023 [2 favorites]
There was an era in my life where interacting with strangers and/or going to parties, even mostly with people I knew, was enough to send me right to bed. Or, I'd do it, but I'd barf first, feel deeply uncomfortable at the thing, and then leave early. It was bad. I was embarrassed by how terrible of a time I was having, and I was lonely. Bizarrely, I worked through it by going on a million dates with strangers from the apps. I didn't really know that was what I was doing when I started...I thought I was trying to find a boyfriend. But it turned out that scheduling myself for 1:1, time-limited interactions with many strangers over the course of a couple of years was incredible practice and had a magnificent impact on my social anxiety. Of course, it started out awkward, and I felt the same horrible fears and worries before every single one. But after some time, there was a sort of nihilism in it -- I never had to see these people again, so if it wasn't great, who cares? Then I started to realize that I was getting better at it, I was having random conversations with random people and enjoying it! I wasn't giving myself a score after every one, I was just going, chatting, and leaving, and it felt good to not feel all the drama about it. I think the stakes were low because after a lot of mediocre dates I became pretty convinced that none of these people were going to actually be my boyfriend, they were just people I was meeting, chatting with, maybe doing some kind of interesting community activity or local event, and then more than likely not ever seeing again. To be clear, it wasn't because we didn't get along or because the experiences were bad -- you're just not a match with a lot of folks and that's fine -- you can still have a nice time for a couple hours and then wish one another well.
This journey did eventually lead to a boyfriend who became a partner and with whom I have now spent 10 years! And it did take work to set up profiles, pick people, correspond with them, figure out activities, etc. But I kind of made it a job for myself, and then after some time doing it, it became a lot easier. I invited people to join me for things I was interested in, I kept things low key, and I practiced, practiced, practiced showing up in settings that I used to abhor. Meet a stranger at a bar? Sit at a place by myself and wait for them? Go to a backyard bbq with a bunch of new people? Nightmares at one point. But over time, they became normal, just part of the week, not something to sweat. It turns out when you show up, you're pretty nice, and you try your best to chat about whatever, you can get along with a lot of people.
YMMV in terms of approaching this from a dating perspective...that was what worked for me at that moment in my life. Maybe you'll have a different way to go about it that could simply be talking to store clerks or chatting with people at the gym or joining a volunteer group and talking with your fellow volunteers. But the bottom line was that I made it a hobby, almost a career, to talk to people I didn't know in settings that were awkward for me, and I did it over and over and over again until I got a lot calmer about it. It wasn't easy! But it did eventually work and the results stuck. I wish you lots of luck and hope you can find your path to the place you want to be.
posted by luzdeluna at 8:05 AM on July 17, 2023 [2 favorites]
This journey did eventually lead to a boyfriend who became a partner and with whom I have now spent 10 years! And it did take work to set up profiles, pick people, correspond with them, figure out activities, etc. But I kind of made it a job for myself, and then after some time doing it, it became a lot easier. I invited people to join me for things I was interested in, I kept things low key, and I practiced, practiced, practiced showing up in settings that I used to abhor. Meet a stranger at a bar? Sit at a place by myself and wait for them? Go to a backyard bbq with a bunch of new people? Nightmares at one point. But over time, they became normal, just part of the week, not something to sweat. It turns out when you show up, you're pretty nice, and you try your best to chat about whatever, you can get along with a lot of people.
YMMV in terms of approaching this from a dating perspective...that was what worked for me at that moment in my life. Maybe you'll have a different way to go about it that could simply be talking to store clerks or chatting with people at the gym or joining a volunteer group and talking with your fellow volunteers. But the bottom line was that I made it a hobby, almost a career, to talk to people I didn't know in settings that were awkward for me, and I did it over and over and over again until I got a lot calmer about it. It wasn't easy! But it did eventually work and the results stuck. I wish you lots of luck and hope you can find your path to the place you want to be.
posted by luzdeluna at 8:05 AM on July 17, 2023 [2 favorites]
I was really reluctant to go and talk to people/ask questions when I first started to work.
A few things that helped me below. They all boil down to practice and putting yourself in situations where you don't have a choice.
1/ I was temping for a while and the agency placed me with a company where I was covering a two week absence of somebody in credit controlling. My sole reason for being there was to go down the accounts receivable list every morning and check all items that had been open more than 30 days and call their corporate customers and get them to commit to pay by a certain point. I went from being very apprehensive about calling random strangers to talk about when they would pay 'us' to it being 2nd nature in the course of a day. As you might guess, some of the people I called weren't all that impressed. I did check with my supervisor if I should be concerned about annoying somebody and she said not to be concerned as long as I was polite. So I even found that the fact that I was annoying some people rolled right off my back. I was there as temp, I'd never speak to any of these people again and I was doing exactly what I was supposed to do.
2/ Having a trainer at work ask me 'Do you know everything?' Clearly I didn't and still don't. His next question was 'so why don't you ask more questions?' His point was that there was an expectation that I speak up/ask questions and I wasn't doing that so even though I was clearly learning and doing a good job I was still failing to meet expectations. To me, asking questions was something you did to obtain information. And I got my information just fine without asking lots of questions. I hadn't considered that asking questions and speaking up is also a way of signalling engagement and learning progress. Clearly, some questions are better than others but you can always find something to talk about and you should talk.
3/ I found myself going into audit as a profession. That means asking questions and not going away until something has been explained to our satisfaction. May entail talking to multiple people some of whom don't know what you're talking about, some of whom do know and don't want to talk to you etc. I spent ages drafting emails when it would have been much easier to just talk to people. At some point I had to accept that I was never going to get through my work unless I talked to people. So I learned to talk to people.
posted by koahiatamadl at 9:29 AM on July 17, 2023
A few things that helped me below. They all boil down to practice and putting yourself in situations where you don't have a choice.
1/ I was temping for a while and the agency placed me with a company where I was covering a two week absence of somebody in credit controlling. My sole reason for being there was to go down the accounts receivable list every morning and check all items that had been open more than 30 days and call their corporate customers and get them to commit to pay by a certain point. I went from being very apprehensive about calling random strangers to talk about when they would pay 'us' to it being 2nd nature in the course of a day. As you might guess, some of the people I called weren't all that impressed. I did check with my supervisor if I should be concerned about annoying somebody and she said not to be concerned as long as I was polite. So I even found that the fact that I was annoying some people rolled right off my back. I was there as temp, I'd never speak to any of these people again and I was doing exactly what I was supposed to do.
2/ Having a trainer at work ask me 'Do you know everything?' Clearly I didn't and still don't. His next question was 'so why don't you ask more questions?' His point was that there was an expectation that I speak up/ask questions and I wasn't doing that so even though I was clearly learning and doing a good job I was still failing to meet expectations. To me, asking questions was something you did to obtain information. And I got my information just fine without asking lots of questions. I hadn't considered that asking questions and speaking up is also a way of signalling engagement and learning progress. Clearly, some questions are better than others but you can always find something to talk about and you should talk.
3/ I found myself going into audit as a profession. That means asking questions and not going away until something has been explained to our satisfaction. May entail talking to multiple people some of whom don't know what you're talking about, some of whom do know and don't want to talk to you etc. I spent ages drafting emails when it would have been much easier to just talk to people. At some point I had to accept that I was never going to get through my work unless I talked to people. So I learned to talk to people.
posted by koahiatamadl at 9:29 AM on July 17, 2023
Volunteering, bar service, journalism, union organizing, canvassing, dating, temping and auditing have all had mentions, so I'll just add taxi driving to that pile.
Basically anything public-facing where the stakes are lowered by the rarity of needing to deal with anybody more than once. One night I did have a celeb in my cab twice, on trips between completely different pickup and destination points. I noticed, but I'm not sure they did. Good tipper.
posted by flabdablet at 9:59 AM on July 17, 2023 [1 favorite]
Basically anything public-facing where the stakes are lowered by the rarity of needing to deal with anybody more than once. One night I did have a celeb in my cab twice, on trips between completely different pickup and destination points. I noticed, but I'm not sure they did. Good tipper.
posted by flabdablet at 9:59 AM on July 17, 2023 [1 favorite]
I'm mostly retired, and it's not great for anxiety. Having a schedule where I go out, walk the dog, shop, go to the library, dog park, etc., helps. Having a routine helps overcome the resistance to going out and doing stuff, so try to have a schedule and keep to it. Books on developing habits help with developing a schedule. Schedule a coffee shop and read a book or use a laptop, same with a library or 2. Once I'm doing stuff and out of the house, momentum helps. It's okay to start small.
I volunteer in political stuff and it has resulted in new friends, and, I hope, some local success.
posted by theora55 at 1:56 PM on July 17, 2023
I volunteer in political stuff and it has resulted in new friends, and, I hope, some local success.
posted by theora55 at 1:56 PM on July 17, 2023
I know this sounds weird, but what helped my social anxiety was reading lots of etiquette books, like Ms. Manners etc... It felt like if I did what they said I would be alright, no one could judge me. I also practiced a lot of very short small talk with coworkers, no long conversations, just 30 seconds and I have to leave I'm so busy, see you later.
posted by SyraCarol at 7:23 PM on July 17, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by SyraCarol at 7:23 PM on July 17, 2023 [1 favorite]
How I personally overcame social anxiety was....practice.
I agree with some of the above answers that small talk is underrated. The only way anyone every gets to big talk is through small talk.
So the baby steps way to get from a racing heartbeat and sweating at the prospect of passing your neighbor in the hallway to going to the large wedding of near strangers with perfect composure is really commonplace comments like:
"How ya doin?"
"Hey!"
"I can't believe this rain"
"Watcha been up to?"
The more low key, boring, basic the opener the more success in my experience.
I came to this mostly by observing other people and noticing how basic their friendly conversations were.
The scary uncomfortable symptoms of anxiety aren't something to avoid. To overcome social anxiety I had to actively try for situations that would bring them on and tolerate feeling scared and awkward. I had to count an awkward not cool brief interaction as a win because it was a chance to flex that weak muscle.
I read lots of books about making conversation and making friends and joined lots of groups and practiced practiced practiced. Then retreated and rested.
I will never be a natural but I do have lots of friends now!
It has been helpful to me to realize that this stuff is hard for me. I had the feeling that I was failing because it looked effortless for other people. It doesn't matter if it is or isn't, it's hard for me, but I can do it!
posted by Jenny'sCricket at 4:29 AM on July 18, 2023 [1 favorite]
I agree with some of the above answers that small talk is underrated. The only way anyone every gets to big talk is through small talk.
So the baby steps way to get from a racing heartbeat and sweating at the prospect of passing your neighbor in the hallway to going to the large wedding of near strangers with perfect composure is really commonplace comments like:
"How ya doin?"
"Hey!"
"I can't believe this rain"
"Watcha been up to?"
The more low key, boring, basic the opener the more success in my experience.
I came to this mostly by observing other people and noticing how basic their friendly conversations were.
The scary uncomfortable symptoms of anxiety aren't something to avoid. To overcome social anxiety I had to actively try for situations that would bring them on and tolerate feeling scared and awkward. I had to count an awkward not cool brief interaction as a win because it was a chance to flex that weak muscle.
I read lots of books about making conversation and making friends and joined lots of groups and practiced practiced practiced. Then retreated and rested.
I will never be a natural but I do have lots of friends now!
It has been helpful to me to realize that this stuff is hard for me. I had the feeling that I was failing because it looked effortless for other people. It doesn't matter if it is or isn't, it's hard for me, but I can do it!
posted by Jenny'sCricket at 4:29 AM on July 18, 2023 [1 favorite]
Practice has helped me a ton as well. There's no getting around it, you just have to do it!
I still identify as socially awkward and talk to people much less than I want to, but I've gotten way better several times, and there's always an experience I can point to that forced/enabled me to get more practice. Lately I've been going to a local monthly meetup for queer people. The first several times I went, I had to talk myself into getting out of my car and doing it. Now that I've been going for the better part of a year, there's always someone there that I've met before and I always make myself talk to at least one stranger. I feel far more confident than I did a year ago, and the meetup has been a big part of that.
I think the more often you see people and make eye contact with them, the more natural it becomes to strike up a conversation. It can be anything! Even just "hey my name is Switch, what's yours?" is enough! That first contact has always been the hardest part for me, but people nearly always want an excuse to connect with each other, so it really doesn't matter much what you talk about.
Also, here's a piece about how to make friends that was linked on the Blue a few months ago. I re-read it sometimes when I'm looking for inspiration or feeling lonely. It's a really lovely piece - I hope it helps you like it helped me.
posted by switcheroo at 12:33 PM on July 18, 2023
I still identify as socially awkward and talk to people much less than I want to, but I've gotten way better several times, and there's always an experience I can point to that forced/enabled me to get more practice. Lately I've been going to a local monthly meetup for queer people. The first several times I went, I had to talk myself into getting out of my car and doing it. Now that I've been going for the better part of a year, there's always someone there that I've met before and I always make myself talk to at least one stranger. I feel far more confident than I did a year ago, and the meetup has been a big part of that.
I think the more often you see people and make eye contact with them, the more natural it becomes to strike up a conversation. It can be anything! Even just "hey my name is Switch, what's yours?" is enough! That first contact has always been the hardest part for me, but people nearly always want an excuse to connect with each other, so it really doesn't matter much what you talk about.
Also, here's a piece about how to make friends that was linked on the Blue a few months ago. I re-read it sometimes when I'm looking for inspiration or feeling lonely. It's a really lovely piece - I hope it helps you like it helped me.
posted by switcheroo at 12:33 PM on July 18, 2023
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So. Don't beat yourself up too much about that.
Small talk can get a bad rap, but this kind of phatic communication is how many people build a sense of community. That's one common way to start conversations. You're never too far off to start chatting about recent weather, what you saw in your neighborhood today, or the place where you are talking.
It's tough out there, good luck!
posted by SaltySalticid at 9:58 PM on July 16, 2023 [7 favorites]