Self-management: avoiding self-absorption
July 22, 2023 6:22 AM Subscribe
One of my family health risks appears to be chronic self-absorption. What are some of the practices you use to work against this and keep yourself in community with others?
My child's autism diagnosis a few years ago cast some of my family's quirks in a new light. My grandmother used to struggle with perspective-taking, I'm told, never properly understanding that her kids could have different personalities, that the things she liked weren't universally liked. And, like my grandmother, my mother and two of her siblings don't observe good conversational reciprocity. I speak with my mother weekly but I would say it's only maybe once a month that I feel like an active participant in the conversation -- most of the time, if I speak she'll talk over me or redirect the conversation back to herself. The isolation and deterioration of old age has really accelerated this behavior -- today she changed the subject back to herself immediately after I told her an old friend of mine had just died, something I don't think she would have done twenty years ago.
But this isn't a question about my mother. Understanding this struggle as potentially part of a heritable condition that I have passed on to my kid makes me feel really afraid that I too am alienating others in this same way, or will as I age. And I work mostly alone, which I worry will accelerate my clock when it comes to loss of social functionality.
For the sake of my sanity (and my job as a parent) I have to believe this is the kind of problem that can be worked against. What are your practices that keep you grounded in a world outside your own navel, and connected to others? Returning to the Catholic church of my youth is a firm no, but I'm open to hearing suggestions that aren't that (including other religious ones).
My child's autism diagnosis a few years ago cast some of my family's quirks in a new light. My grandmother used to struggle with perspective-taking, I'm told, never properly understanding that her kids could have different personalities, that the things she liked weren't universally liked. And, like my grandmother, my mother and two of her siblings don't observe good conversational reciprocity. I speak with my mother weekly but I would say it's only maybe once a month that I feel like an active participant in the conversation -- most of the time, if I speak she'll talk over me or redirect the conversation back to herself. The isolation and deterioration of old age has really accelerated this behavior -- today she changed the subject back to herself immediately after I told her an old friend of mine had just died, something I don't think she would have done twenty years ago.
But this isn't a question about my mother. Understanding this struggle as potentially part of a heritable condition that I have passed on to my kid makes me feel really afraid that I too am alienating others in this same way, or will as I age. And I work mostly alone, which I worry will accelerate my clock when it comes to loss of social functionality.
For the sake of my sanity (and my job as a parent) I have to believe this is the kind of problem that can be worked against. What are your practices that keep you grounded in a world outside your own navel, and connected to others? Returning to the Catholic church of my youth is a firm no, but I'm open to hearing suggestions that aren't that (including other religious ones).
I think this is somewhat of a paradox. The lack of social practice is certainly part of it, and as with any skill, it will rot without practice, so certainly taking steps to not alienate yourself and remain connected to others is key.
Here's where the paradoxes come in, though. Connecting to others is work at times. Sometimes very hard work! And staying connected means being vulnerable, which is exhausting and scary, and sometimes painful things happen. This is true even if you don't have childhood trauma significant enough to impair your relationships. As you age, you lose stamina and you learn how to care for yourself. You slowly run out of fucks without realizing.
And here's where the ultimate paradox comes in: all that time in your youth, where you worked hard to connect and care and be present, it is catching up to you. The most self absorbed people seem to feel totally entitled to it, don't they? This is why. In my view. Because they weren't self aware or self protective enough way back when. Now it is a THEIR TURN.
So my advice is: practice social connection to others as much as you can. Model connected behavior for your kid. But remember that you too are a person in your life and give yourself the time you need to feel your feels that you need to give others.
posted by pazazygeek at 7:10 AM on July 22, 2023 [3 favorites]
Here's where the paradoxes come in, though. Connecting to others is work at times. Sometimes very hard work! And staying connected means being vulnerable, which is exhausting and scary, and sometimes painful things happen. This is true even if you don't have childhood trauma significant enough to impair your relationships. As you age, you lose stamina and you learn how to care for yourself. You slowly run out of fucks without realizing.
And here's where the ultimate paradox comes in: all that time in your youth, where you worked hard to connect and care and be present, it is catching up to you. The most self absorbed people seem to feel totally entitled to it, don't they? This is why. In my view. Because they weren't self aware or self protective enough way back when. Now it is a THEIR TURN.
So my advice is: practice social connection to others as much as you can. Model connected behavior for your kid. But remember that you too are a person in your life and give yourself the time you need to feel your feels that you need to give others.
posted by pazazygeek at 7:10 AM on July 22, 2023 [3 favorites]
Best answer: Become interested, really interested, in learning other people's stories. I don't mean their biography (although that's good too) but the interesting things that have happened in their own lives and the collection of secondhand stories they hold. Not only is it a surefire way to connect with people you're meeting the first time, but if you are really present and listening new stories will unfold from people you've known for years.
And those stories (anonymized) become part of your collection.
If you do this you start to think of every person you meet as a treasure trove. Some people are disappointingly banal, but many will tell you things you've never imagined.
(as an example, after working with a reserved coworker for over a year he told me the story of receiving a phone call from his manager at an old company on a Saturday. The call was to tell him that the manager was having an affair with his wife but she had locked herself in the hotel bathroom and asking him if he would come over and help out. Strange and interesting things happen in this world and if you don't listen people will never share them with you.)
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 7:20 AM on July 22, 2023 [8 favorites]
And those stories (anonymized) become part of your collection.
If you do this you start to think of every person you meet as a treasure trove. Some people are disappointingly banal, but many will tell you things you've never imagined.
(as an example, after working with a reserved coworker for over a year he told me the story of receiving a phone call from his manager at an old company on a Saturday. The call was to tell him that the manager was having an affair with his wife but she had locked herself in the hotel bathroom and asking him if he would come over and help out. Strange and interesting things happen in this world and if you don't listen people will never share them with you.)
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 7:20 AM on July 22, 2023 [8 favorites]
I've shared this before on the green, but this is one of the reasons I go to church. At my church, I get to know and love people who are really different from me. People who are more wealthy, less wealthy, from different race/ethnicity backgrounds, have different sexual orientations, different educational backgrounds, etc. Getting to know people at my diverse church -- really know them, not just on a superficial acquaintance -- has added so much to my life. And one thing it has added is a deep understanding that other people's lives mean as much to them as my life means to me. I've learned how to engage with and respect that, even when I find things they do baffling or repellant.
posted by OrangeDisk at 7:58 AM on July 22, 2023 [3 favorites]
posted by OrangeDisk at 7:58 AM on July 22, 2023 [3 favorites]
I know someone who really didn't like his own religious upbringing, but did enjoy finding a new community with a Universalist Church. Finding a place to volunteer on a regular schedule with some of the same people is another easy way to build community.
posted by coffeecat at 9:12 AM on July 22, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by coffeecat at 9:12 AM on July 22, 2023 [2 favorites]
What are your practices that keep you grounded in a world outside your own navel, and connected to others? Returning to the Catholic church of my youth is a firm no, but I'm open to hearing suggestions that aren't that (including other religious ones)
This is literally the only reason my husband and I continue to go to church, just to have some connection to a community of local people who might mildly give a shit about us if we were ever to find ourselves in need of such. We volunteered for a church commitment that requires us to show up to services at least once a month and has also provided a way to get to know others on somewhat more than a surface level, otherwise we probably would have drifted away. We both have a tendency towards apathy and reclusiveness which makes it difficult to connect with others more organically.
Since you are open to religious suggestions, you might consider checking out the Episcopal church. The form of worship can be somewhat Catholic-like, particularly if you choose a high-church congregation; but they tend to be fairly progressive on social issues (this can vary by church, however.) Lots of ex-Catholics seem to happily land here.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 11:22 AM on July 22, 2023 [4 favorites]
This is literally the only reason my husband and I continue to go to church, just to have some connection to a community of local people who might mildly give a shit about us if we were ever to find ourselves in need of such. We volunteered for a church commitment that requires us to show up to services at least once a month and has also provided a way to get to know others on somewhat more than a surface level, otherwise we probably would have drifted away. We both have a tendency towards apathy and reclusiveness which makes it difficult to connect with others more organically.
Since you are open to religious suggestions, you might consider checking out the Episcopal church. The form of worship can be somewhat Catholic-like, particularly if you choose a high-church congregation; but they tend to be fairly progressive on social issues (this can vary by church, however.) Lots of ex-Catholics seem to happily land here.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 11:22 AM on July 22, 2023 [4 favorites]
Best answer: Are you asking about your own behaviors or about helping raise a kid who has reciprocal conversation skills?
I have a kid who is autistic. He appreciates when I give direct feedback like, "Hey I am about done hearing about [your current special interest]. Can you wrap up after this anecdote?" or "I would like a turn to talk about my day now." After a lot of years of this, he will now ask, "Hey have I gone on about this too long?" or will ask me about my day. We still have autistic/allistic differences and I have to do my part to roll with his way of being just as much of the world asks him to roll with our way of being.
For myself, I really enjoy learning about people and it's part of how I get a warm feeling of intimacy: asking questions, asking follow up questions, taking gentle guesses about how the story someone is sharing with me impacts them. Finding the pleasures in hearing and learning about other people may be a pathway for you too. You also mention going to church - perhaps church isn't for you but I think you're on to something that there are settings that facilitate a sense of community belonging that is pro-social. So if not church, that could be volunteering or joining an activist organization, a union, or a hobby-based group.
posted by latkes at 12:21 PM on July 22, 2023 [5 favorites]
I have a kid who is autistic. He appreciates when I give direct feedback like, "Hey I am about done hearing about [your current special interest]. Can you wrap up after this anecdote?" or "I would like a turn to talk about my day now." After a lot of years of this, he will now ask, "Hey have I gone on about this too long?" or will ask me about my day. We still have autistic/allistic differences and I have to do my part to roll with his way of being just as much of the world asks him to roll with our way of being.
For myself, I really enjoy learning about people and it's part of how I get a warm feeling of intimacy: asking questions, asking follow up questions, taking gentle guesses about how the story someone is sharing with me impacts them. Finding the pleasures in hearing and learning about other people may be a pathway for you too. You also mention going to church - perhaps church isn't for you but I think you're on to something that there are settings that facilitate a sense of community belonging that is pro-social. So if not church, that could be volunteering or joining an activist organization, a union, or a hobby-based group.
posted by latkes at 12:21 PM on July 22, 2023 [5 favorites]
I can't tell if you're actually observing this self-absorption in yourself or not. You sound self-aware/observant enough to notice if it's actually happening!
I definitely have this tendency, and for my flavor of self-absorption, I end up frequently reminding myself that I can in fact affect other people's mood states, so I have to consciously notice how they're feeling and consider what I can say/do in response.
With my kids, I practice this with them fairly explicitly while reading books or talking about their days, eg "How do you think that character feels? Do you feel that way sometimes? What helps you feel better? What could we do for a friend who feels that way?"
posted by Gravel at 3:21 PM on July 22, 2023 [3 favorites]
I definitely have this tendency, and for my flavor of self-absorption, I end up frequently reminding myself that I can in fact affect other people's mood states, so I have to consciously notice how they're feeling and consider what I can say/do in response.
With my kids, I practice this with them fairly explicitly while reading books or talking about their days, eg "How do you think that character feels? Do you feel that way sometimes? What helps you feel better? What could we do for a friend who feels that way?"
posted by Gravel at 3:21 PM on July 22, 2023 [3 favorites]
To add to the answer you've already identified as a good answer: can you consider therapy that isn't just you, but is you plus child, or you plus family member, or you plus (other)? Inviting a therapist into your relationship dynamics in a way that doesn't rely on your self-reporting of your personal perspective alone is a good thing. Taking this step has been illuminating in my most recent relationship.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 7:05 AM on July 23, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 7:05 AM on July 23, 2023 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Thanks everyone. Gravel asked a good question -- am I actually self-absorbed? The thing that troubles me here is that I don't know how I'd tell, which makes me a little paranoid and afraid to engage. (I doubt that my mother sees our conversations the same way I do; so how can I be sure other people aren't equally put-off by me?) This instinct to withdraw really doesn't help, though.
posted by sockrilegious at 12:45 PM on July 23, 2023
posted by sockrilegious at 12:45 PM on July 23, 2023
Can you follow along with the skills they're teaching your kid? A lot of those same explicit coping skills and social tricks are valuable for adults as well, and usable by neurotypical or borderline folks as well as those with an actual diagnosed spectrum disorder. They're going to teach them out loud to your kid, though, instead of expecting it to just get absorbed, so it might be good to listen in and then do the same turn-taking practice.
I also heard a trick once to aim, in every conversation, to learn more about the other person than they learn about you. You might try that.
posted by Lady Li at 2:28 PM on July 23, 2023
I also heard a trick once to aim, in every conversation, to learn more about the other person than they learn about you. You might try that.
posted by Lady Li at 2:28 PM on July 23, 2023
« Older The best, pulpiest pulp fiction paperbacks from... | Hose water alarm - does it exist? Newer »
You are not logged in, either login or create an account to post comments
posted by rabbitrabbit at 7:05 AM on July 22, 2023 [9 favorites]