Not sure what to do about potentially bitchy friend
December 21, 2022 3:44 PM Subscribe
Been friends for about 20 years. I do really value the friendship but have sometimes questioned whether she really has my best interest at heart. Have always chalked up to paranoia but in this case - an odd comment to my boyfriend she was meeting for the first time when I went to the bathroom - I’m not sure and would welcome your perspective.
Long story short: I feel my friend makes catty comments, especially around dating. I’ve brushed them off as me being sensitive but she said something to my boyfriend the other day that he felt was odd, so I very gently asked her about it, and now she’s ignoring me and clearly annoyed.
Examples I’ve brushed off in the past are things like telling me ‘he’s probably lying’ when I’ve said someone can’t make a date for a perfectly reasonable reason (when I have no reason to think they’re lying), telling me ‘he just hasn’t met you yet’ when I said someone seemed to nice to be true and I felt flattered they liked me. Telling me a birthday present an ex boyfriend gave me wasn’t good enough and showed he didn’t care, etc., even though for him it was a very caring gesture. Not being that supportive when I’m upset about things, although I massively go out of my way to make her feel better when she’s having dating troubles (she has had bad luck with men pretty much all of our adult life, which I do have sympathy for. I’ve also not had an easy ride for the past few years but objectively have had a lot more ‘success’ which I don’t think has helped.)
Latest is she met my (lovely) boyfriend of a year recently. I haven’t talked about him much with her because of the above. He told me that when I went to the loo she said ‘she seems so much happier since she met you… makes my life a lot easier!’ He said it felt an odd comment to make, I agreed. It felt embarrassing and like she was saying I’d been needy in the past (which I don’t think I have been — but if I have, she could talk to me about it don’t make a snide comment to my boyfriend?!)
Found myself feel quite annoyed. Rather than store up resentment I texted her saying what boyfriend had said and said I felt a bit upset and I’m sure she didn’t mean it in a nasty way but can she share why she said this? And that if I have made her feel burdened in the past I’d rather know. She got defensive and said she didn’t say that, that I’d never been a burden so she wouldn’t have said it. I said okay well he wouldn’t make these things up but must have misheard it and let’s forget it, no harm done. She replied ‘Yeah but I don’t think I’d bitch about you to your new boyfriend’ as if she’s mortally offended id even suggest it. Thing is, my boyfriend is the least trouble stirring person I could imagine, so I doubt he did mishear- but also I want to believe her so was happy to just chalk it up to crossed wires.
She abruptly left the conversation and has not been in touch since, which is unusual - so I think she’s pissed off. But I don’t see what I’ve done wrong? Surely it was better to ask than just feel quietly pissed off?
It also is reminding me of a time a few years ago when she threw a massive huff unfairly at me saying I was accusing her of fancying someone I had had a fling with (I absolutely wasn’t). She ignored me for weeks, and when I eventually spoke to her about it had made it into a much bigger drama than it needed to be - right after my dad had died too (she also shortly before that had ignored me months - she told me she’d been upset i’d not been in touch - my dad had been terminally ill and I was his primary carer though so looking back it felt really unfair but she was crying and not really making sense so I probably slightly just smoothed things over as I just couldn’t handle conflict at that horrible time).
So I’m now just feeling shit and like I’m either 1. Really over sensitive and overreacting and shouldn’t have confronted her (even tho I was very gentle about it) or 2. Should listen to my own feelings about this and not take her behaviour personally, but do believe my instincts she’s a bit nasty towards me? And maybe think about just fading the friendship out?
I don’t know. I do find it hard to trust people sometimes so I sometimes wonder if this is all me reading into things. But I just get a weird frenemy / jealousy vibe sometimes.
What would you do?
Long story short: I feel my friend makes catty comments, especially around dating. I’ve brushed them off as me being sensitive but she said something to my boyfriend the other day that he felt was odd, so I very gently asked her about it, and now she’s ignoring me and clearly annoyed.
Examples I’ve brushed off in the past are things like telling me ‘he’s probably lying’ when I’ve said someone can’t make a date for a perfectly reasonable reason (when I have no reason to think they’re lying), telling me ‘he just hasn’t met you yet’ when I said someone seemed to nice to be true and I felt flattered they liked me. Telling me a birthday present an ex boyfriend gave me wasn’t good enough and showed he didn’t care, etc., even though for him it was a very caring gesture. Not being that supportive when I’m upset about things, although I massively go out of my way to make her feel better when she’s having dating troubles (she has had bad luck with men pretty much all of our adult life, which I do have sympathy for. I’ve also not had an easy ride for the past few years but objectively have had a lot more ‘success’ which I don’t think has helped.)
Latest is she met my (lovely) boyfriend of a year recently. I haven’t talked about him much with her because of the above. He told me that when I went to the loo she said ‘she seems so much happier since she met you… makes my life a lot easier!’ He said it felt an odd comment to make, I agreed. It felt embarrassing and like she was saying I’d been needy in the past (which I don’t think I have been — but if I have, she could talk to me about it don’t make a snide comment to my boyfriend?!)
Found myself feel quite annoyed. Rather than store up resentment I texted her saying what boyfriend had said and said I felt a bit upset and I’m sure she didn’t mean it in a nasty way but can she share why she said this? And that if I have made her feel burdened in the past I’d rather know. She got defensive and said she didn’t say that, that I’d never been a burden so she wouldn’t have said it. I said okay well he wouldn’t make these things up but must have misheard it and let’s forget it, no harm done. She replied ‘Yeah but I don’t think I’d bitch about you to your new boyfriend’ as if she’s mortally offended id even suggest it. Thing is, my boyfriend is the least trouble stirring person I could imagine, so I doubt he did mishear- but also I want to believe her so was happy to just chalk it up to crossed wires.
She abruptly left the conversation and has not been in touch since, which is unusual - so I think she’s pissed off. But I don’t see what I’ve done wrong? Surely it was better to ask than just feel quietly pissed off?
It also is reminding me of a time a few years ago when she threw a massive huff unfairly at me saying I was accusing her of fancying someone I had had a fling with (I absolutely wasn’t). She ignored me for weeks, and when I eventually spoke to her about it had made it into a much bigger drama than it needed to be - right after my dad had died too (she also shortly before that had ignored me months - she told me she’d been upset i’d not been in touch - my dad had been terminally ill and I was his primary carer though so looking back it felt really unfair but she was crying and not really making sense so I probably slightly just smoothed things over as I just couldn’t handle conflict at that horrible time).
So I’m now just feeling shit and like I’m either 1. Really over sensitive and overreacting and shouldn’t have confronted her (even tho I was very gentle about it) or 2. Should listen to my own feelings about this and not take her behaviour personally, but do believe my instincts she’s a bit nasty towards me? And maybe think about just fading the friendship out?
I don’t know. I do find it hard to trust people sometimes so I sometimes wonder if this is all me reading into things. But I just get a weird frenemy / jealousy vibe sometimes.
What would you do?
I would back burner this friendship. No need for a dramatic exit, and there is value to maintaining some level of connection to someone you’ve known for this long, but I wouldn’t give her access to my real life anymore. There are loads of people to be friends with in this world and 85% of them will be nicer than this one.
posted by HotToddy at 3:52 PM on December 21, 2022 [20 favorites]
posted by HotToddy at 3:52 PM on December 21, 2022 [20 favorites]
I said okay well he wouldn’t make these things up...
I'd be pretty annoyed if my friend of 20 years confronted me via text about something a new boyfriend had relayed behind my back, and what's more, taking the word of said new boyfriend. You really do have no way of knowing if this was really said, the context, tone, intent, etc.
From my perspective, unless someone is totally toxic and creates utter misery in your life, I'd be inclined to value such a long friendship as much as I could. I suppose you have to decide whether these jibes about men/dating are worth tolerating. You might also consider a conversation in person if it happens again, rather than over text. If you can't have any kind of dialogue about this perceived cattiness, perhaps then it is time to put distance between yourself and this friend.
posted by NatalieWood at 3:59 PM on December 21, 2022 [9 favorites]
I'd be pretty annoyed if my friend of 20 years confronted me via text about something a new boyfriend had relayed behind my back, and what's more, taking the word of said new boyfriend. You really do have no way of knowing if this was really said, the context, tone, intent, etc.
From my perspective, unless someone is totally toxic and creates utter misery in your life, I'd be inclined to value such a long friendship as much as I could. I suppose you have to decide whether these jibes about men/dating are worth tolerating. You might also consider a conversation in person if it happens again, rather than over text. If you can't have any kind of dialogue about this perceived cattiness, perhaps then it is time to put distance between yourself and this friend.
posted by NatalieWood at 3:59 PM on December 21, 2022 [9 favorites]
I don’t know either of you, but she sounds like someone who keeps friends around to reap the benefits when it’s convenient but has no interest in a mutually supportive relationship. Her ‘bad luck’ with men maybe isn’t a matter of luck…
A friend of 20 years should know how to be a friend to you as a specific individual. It doesn’t sound like she’s even trying. I think in general, friendships tend to work best when each person is putting in about the same amount of effort, whether that’s a little for a more casual relationship or a lot for a close friendship. I think it makes sense to hold her at arm’s length for a while and see what happens.
posted by Comet Bug at 4:04 PM on December 21, 2022 [8 favorites]
A friend of 20 years should know how to be a friend to you as a specific individual. It doesn’t sound like she’s even trying. I think in general, friendships tend to work best when each person is putting in about the same amount of effort, whether that’s a little for a more casual relationship or a lot for a close friendship. I think it makes sense to hold her at arm’s length for a while and see what happens.
posted by Comet Bug at 4:04 PM on December 21, 2022 [8 favorites]
Best answer: I think your instincts are correct, this reads as a classic frenemy vibe to me. She's envious and competitive, even though she probably does value your friendship at the same time. It sounds like she's also very uncomfortable with her own emotions and can't acknowledge her own sadness about what's going on--or not--in her own life.
Re the comment she made to your boyfriend, I think you did the right thing to bring it up with her and give her a chance to correct the record. If it was intended as a harmless joke, or if she said something else that he misunderstood, she could explain that without getting angry at you. Stuff like that does happen. But, the fact that she's withdrawing makes me think she feels guilty and embarrassed at getting caught out. There's also the possibility that she was trying to "bond" with your boyfriend behind your back and at your expense. By shining a bright light on the way she talked about you behind your back, he showed her that she's not going to get away with that. You also showed confidence by bringing it up to her and refusing to let her get away with blaming the misunderstanding on your guy. I think you did the right thing by giving her the "out" of saying it might have been a misunderstanding, but I doubt that was really the case.
If this comment were an isolated incident, I'd say it was a yellow flag. But, combined with all the other things you describe, including her lack of support to you when you were caring for your dad, I think it's time to drop the rope on this friendship. Let her stay away as long as she likes and don't feel obligated to pick things up if/when she comes back.
posted by rpfields at 4:20 PM on December 21, 2022 [37 favorites]
Re the comment she made to your boyfriend, I think you did the right thing to bring it up with her and give her a chance to correct the record. If it was intended as a harmless joke, or if she said something else that he misunderstood, she could explain that without getting angry at you. Stuff like that does happen. But, the fact that she's withdrawing makes me think she feels guilty and embarrassed at getting caught out. There's also the possibility that she was trying to "bond" with your boyfriend behind your back and at your expense. By shining a bright light on the way she talked about you behind your back, he showed her that she's not going to get away with that. You also showed confidence by bringing it up to her and refusing to let her get away with blaming the misunderstanding on your guy. I think you did the right thing by giving her the "out" of saying it might have been a misunderstanding, but I doubt that was really the case.
If this comment were an isolated incident, I'd say it was a yellow flag. But, combined with all the other things you describe, including her lack of support to you when you were caring for your dad, I think it's time to drop the rope on this friendship. Let her stay away as long as she likes and don't feel obligated to pick things up if/when she comes back.
posted by rpfields at 4:20 PM on December 21, 2022 [37 favorites]
Wait a second. You’ve been dating this guy for a year and she just met him? Does she live on the other side of the country or something?
I’m struggling to find an answer to that question that doesn’t indicate that she’s not actually a particularly close friend. That previous sentence was a bit convoluted, so let me ask directly: you’re not very close with this friend, are you?
posted by kevinbelt at 4:26 PM on December 21, 2022 [2 favorites]
I’m struggling to find an answer to that question that doesn’t indicate that she’s not actually a particularly close friend. That previous sentence was a bit convoluted, so let me ask directly: you’re not very close with this friend, are you?
posted by kevinbelt at 4:26 PM on December 21, 2022 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: Kevinbelt, to your question - she lives in a different city to me, that’s not easy to get to, so we see eachother once or twice a year but speak on a regular basis, most weeks in some way or other. The last time I saw her was at a wedding a month ago, which my boyfriend was not at. She’s close in that we have intimate conversations, know a lot about each other and have regularly gone on holidays etc. She hadn’t met boyfriend yet because of various circumstances not coming together, and also I’ll be honest, it didn’t feel like a priority given I didn’t want to feed any potential jealousy so have been little quiet about him (not hiding anything though). I’d say we have had an at-points close friendship, but she’s not my closest friend due to distance and other factors. She is probably in my closest five or six friends? And I am in hers. I think I know a lot of things about her that no one else does. She doesn’t have a lot of close female friends.
posted by starstarstar at 4:31 PM on December 21, 2022 [4 favorites]
posted by starstarstar at 4:31 PM on December 21, 2022 [4 favorites]
Here is the thing, if she meant the comment in the way of having a happy friend makes a happy friendship kind of way,as a compliment she could of just said that. Or just acting bewildered and then said something like that's really strange, (insert change of topic). The fact that she's acting like this is not a coping skill I tolerate in my friendships at all. I want friends who can have rational, calm discussions about our friendship, and disagreements aren't this huge ordeals to fight over and figure out who is right. We either have enough in common and can tolerate eachother quirks enough that we are friends, or we just aren't.
posted by AlexiaSky at 4:34 PM on December 21, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by AlexiaSky at 4:34 PM on December 21, 2022 [1 favorite]
That specific comment seems like a fairly innocuous joke to me. However, all the other examples you gave sound pretty horrible.
This was my response too - if she is generally a good friend outside of relationship advice, I'd keep her in your orbit, otherwise slow-fade.
posted by coffeecat at 4:41 PM on December 21, 2022 [1 favorite]
This was my response too - if she is generally a good friend outside of relationship advice, I'd keep her in your orbit, otherwise slow-fade.
posted by coffeecat at 4:41 PM on December 21, 2022 [1 favorite]
So what if you do just listen to your own feelings about this? Assuming that your interpretation of her behavior is exactly right, what would that mean for the friendship? If you believed this, what kind of relationship, if any, would feel right to you?
I could imagine that maybe you were holding back from this meeting because you wanted to avoid this type of drama and the relationship just isn't worth it any more. Or maybe she is a good friend to you in other ways and you would like to figure out how to keep the good while not letting her in so close that you get so much of the bad. Or maybe you would happy to let things drift and see what she does next. Assume that you are right about her and she is unlikely to change and then figure out what you would want if you got to set the rules for this friendship. Once you know what you want, i"m sure MeFi would be happy to give you lots of advice on how to get from here to there.
posted by metahawk at 5:31 PM on December 21, 2022 [1 favorite]
I could imagine that maybe you were holding back from this meeting because you wanted to avoid this type of drama and the relationship just isn't worth it any more. Or maybe she is a good friend to you in other ways and you would like to figure out how to keep the good while not letting her in so close that you get so much of the bad. Or maybe you would happy to let things drift and see what she does next. Assume that you are right about her and she is unlikely to change and then figure out what you would want if you got to set the rules for this friendship. Once you know what you want, i"m sure MeFi would be happy to give you lots of advice on how to get from here to there.
posted by metahawk at 5:31 PM on December 21, 2022 [1 favorite]
Is this the same friend who "provided" you a significant amount of anxiety a year ago by obsessively reading your private forum posts and being boundary pushing and intrusive about the information she learned there
posted by phunniemee at 5:52 PM on December 21, 2022 [7 favorites]
posted by phunniemee at 5:52 PM on December 21, 2022 [7 favorites]
At first I was going to agree you should drop this friendship. Then I thought, if you do that, maybe show her this question. And then I thought, she might think she is acting like a good friend (even though she isn’t acting like a good friend at all). People have complicated reasons for the way they are, and people really are mainly doing the best they can.
And I wouldn’t totally drop a friendship of this many years because I only have a couple of those. People can be disappointing, that’s for sure. She sounds a bit jealous, maybe depressed. It’s crushing to have a string of romantic failures, and to be doing poorly in an area where your friend is having success. Give her the benefit of the doubt if you can - but also definitely tell her not to be an ass like she was with that comment to your boyfriend.
posted by Glinn at 5:55 PM on December 21, 2022
And I wouldn’t totally drop a friendship of this many years because I only have a couple of those. People can be disappointing, that’s for sure. She sounds a bit jealous, maybe depressed. It’s crushing to have a string of romantic failures, and to be doing poorly in an area where your friend is having success. Give her the benefit of the doubt if you can - but also definitely tell her not to be an ass like she was with that comment to your boyfriend.
posted by Glinn at 5:55 PM on December 21, 2022
I mean, I wouldn't drop a two-decade friendship over a comment reported by a relatively new boyfriend and denied by the friend, but a lot of the remarks you report sound awfully mean-spirited. Each friendship has its own level of teasing, but clearly you've been taking all these cracks to heart. So I think you had better level with her about that. It may be a very unpleasant conversation. After two decades, probably she gets one of those. On the other hand, if, on thinking about having that conversation, you just feel tired and over it, you're entitled to honor that feeling as well, and do a slow fade. You just shouldn't quietly accept comments that hurt your feelings.
posted by praemunire at 6:30 PM on December 21, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by praemunire at 6:30 PM on December 21, 2022 [2 favorites]
Teasing is one thing, taking people down a notch or several is another. Twenty years in, you know when your friend is doing the latter. It doesn't really matter what she meant when/if she took you down a notch behind your back with your new boyfriend. You thought she very well could have, and her reaction wasn't exactly the reaction of a good friend who would never do that. She didn't explain what supportive thing she said that got misinterpreted, she simply denied she said anything at all, and then got mad at you.
"Yeah but I don’t think I’d bitch about you to your new boyfriend," said defensively in a sulk preceding the silent treatment after a gentle inquiry is high school for: "I'm pissed about your new boyfriend."
posted by desert exile at 7:21 PM on December 21, 2022 [6 favorites]
"Yeah but I don’t think I’d bitch about you to your new boyfriend," said defensively in a sulk preceding the silent treatment after a gentle inquiry is high school for: "I'm pissed about your new boyfriend."
posted by desert exile at 7:21 PM on December 21, 2022 [6 favorites]
To me this sounds like too much drama, and I would let this friendship fade away. All your stories of past incidents make me tired. She sounds like a lot of work.
posted by Enid Lareg at 8:15 PM on December 21, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by Enid Lareg at 8:15 PM on December 21, 2022 [2 favorites]
Not gonna lie, in answer to question about bitchy comments, yes your ‘friend’ is a bitch in my opinion. I think she’s jealous of any attention you get and is trying to ruin your relationships and drum up insecurities. I’d block her and never talk to her again. No need to explain why, trust me, she knows.
posted by Jubey at 8:18 PM on December 21, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by Jubey at 8:18 PM on December 21, 2022 [1 favorite]
I think it's weird that you were willing to brush off all the many times she said your boyfriends were jerks and bad for you, and the thing you're putting your foot down over is the one time she said one was nice and good for you. to his face even.
what she said in so many words was that he makes you happy and her life is easier when her friend is happy. what she implied, I guess, is that when you're unhappy, it makes her unhappy. you can get an insult out of this but you have to work at it. if you want to be done with her, be done with her. but don't make any more of a thing out of this non-event than you already did.
your boyfriend is a gossip and a tale-bearer if not an outright drama manufacturer. but there are worse things for boyfriends to be, I guess
posted by queenofbithynia at 8:21 PM on December 21, 2022 [12 favorites]
what she said in so many words was that he makes you happy and her life is easier when her friend is happy. what she implied, I guess, is that when you're unhappy, it makes her unhappy. you can get an insult out of this but you have to work at it. if you want to be done with her, be done with her. but don't make any more of a thing out of this non-event than you already did.
your boyfriend is a gossip and a tale-bearer if not an outright drama manufacturer. but there are worse things for boyfriends to be, I guess
posted by queenofbithynia at 8:21 PM on December 21, 2022 [12 favorites]
Best answer: Having been a newish partner with a person in a high drama, long term friend group with fierce loyalties and strong emotions, let's not assume any intent by the BF. For people who don't share those types of insights regularly it can feel pretty weird to hear one from a stranger.
posted by kittensofthenight at 8:32 PM on December 21, 2022 [12 favorites]
posted by kittensofthenight at 8:32 PM on December 21, 2022 [12 favorites]
I wouldn't like that comment. It sounds barbed to me- the implication is that you are usually hard work. Especially given that she said it when you were gone. You could still be friends with her of a kind, though, just friends in a way that is aware that she is insecure around certain things. Does she bring you joy in other ways? The other thing is that you could speak up about something she says or does when it is said to you directly next time, with an emphasis on how it makes you feel, etc etc. Having said that she does sound a bit dramatic but sometimes people can blow up defensively in the moment and still enact change later.
posted by jojobobo at 8:45 PM on December 21, 2022 [5 favorites]
posted by jojobobo at 8:45 PM on December 21, 2022 [5 favorites]
What would you do?
Me? I'd say to myself "Huh." And then I would subject the matter to no further analysis whatsoever.
There is already more than enough misery in the world without me running my very own internal misery factory to make more.
Also, I have a longstanding personal policy to take no notice at all of conversations mentioning me that I find out about second-hand. If I wasn't there, I don't care.
This policy occasionally causes me a bit of extra work but on balance it's saved me about fifty times as much misery as it's caused.
So has the one about never conducting conversations with any degree of emotional heft over text messaging. If I have an emotional stake in a conversation then I'm going to give myself every opportunity to get an accurate read on the others involved. I want at least tone of voice, preferably body language as well. So, face-to-face in person is best; failing that, voice call. Not text. Not ever.
Even leaving aside the extreme unlikelihood that any quickly constructed text will ever communicate emotional nuance accurately, the fact remains that unless I'm already working within a relationship that's primarily and clearly adversarial - employee vs workplace bully, for example - I do not want any emotionally consequential conversation written out and available for endless, ongoing scrutiny, re-analysis and agonizing. Especially not by third parties and double especially not by third parties who never grew out of poking at ant nests to watch them get all furious and agitated.
posted by flabdablet at 12:14 AM on December 22, 2022 [10 favorites]
Me? I'd say to myself "Huh." And then I would subject the matter to no further analysis whatsoever.
There is already more than enough misery in the world without me running my very own internal misery factory to make more.
Also, I have a longstanding personal policy to take no notice at all of conversations mentioning me that I find out about second-hand. If I wasn't there, I don't care.
This policy occasionally causes me a bit of extra work but on balance it's saved me about fifty times as much misery as it's caused.
So has the one about never conducting conversations with any degree of emotional heft over text messaging. If I have an emotional stake in a conversation then I'm going to give myself every opportunity to get an accurate read on the others involved. I want at least tone of voice, preferably body language as well. So, face-to-face in person is best; failing that, voice call. Not text. Not ever.
Even leaving aside the extreme unlikelihood that any quickly constructed text will ever communicate emotional nuance accurately, the fact remains that unless I'm already working within a relationship that's primarily and clearly adversarial - employee vs workplace bully, for example - I do not want any emotionally consequential conversation written out and available for endless, ongoing scrutiny, re-analysis and agonizing. Especially not by third parties and double especially not by third parties who never grew out of poking at ant nests to watch them get all furious and agitated.
posted by flabdablet at 12:14 AM on December 22, 2022 [10 favorites]
you can get an insult out of this but you have to work at it.
This. Exactly this. There is so much human misery caused by the to-me-inexplicable eagerness of so many to do so much of that kind of work.
posted by flabdablet at 12:18 AM on December 22, 2022 [4 favorites]
This. Exactly this. There is so much human misery caused by the to-me-inexplicable eagerness of so many to do so much of that kind of work.
posted by flabdablet at 12:18 AM on December 22, 2022 [4 favorites]
> you can get an insult out of this but you have to work at it.
Funny, for me it would require work to _not_ take it as an insult.
Your friend sounds exhausting.
posted by STFUDonnie at 4:35 AM on December 22, 2022 [8 favorites]
Funny, for me it would require work to _not_ take it as an insult.
Your friend sounds exhausting.
posted by STFUDonnie at 4:35 AM on December 22, 2022 [8 favorites]
This comment would bother me too - the implication that she's been secretly exhausted by holding you up emotionally, the attempt to discuss that behind your back like you're a small child being discussed by adults or something. Good news is, she's withdrawing from you, so just let her - another vote for a slow fade.
posted by penguin pie at 4:40 AM on December 22, 2022 [5 favorites]
posted by penguin pie at 4:40 AM on December 22, 2022 [5 favorites]
Does she have depression or adhd? The blurting , awkward impulsiveness and then great shame seems like the rejection sensitivity that goes with adhd. The toxicity sounds like depression. I know we are not supposed to diagnose people, but I wonder if it will help you to view her behavior through a lens that doesn't have anything to do with you. This is how she is, and unless she has insight into her behavior she's not going to change. You can either provide her with some insight and consequences, or not. But to answer your question it wasn't overly sensitive of you to bring it up. You dont trust her to have your back based on her prior behavior, and it's not irrational that you are now sensitized to her comments, whether innocuous or not.
posted by jello at 7:41 PM on December 22, 2022
posted by jello at 7:41 PM on December 22, 2022
She's not a good friend. Over the past 3 years, I faded out all my friendships that felt one-sided, or where I felt misunderstood or "micro"-aggressed, or where the other person habitually made comments that needled me or felt passive-aggressive. My life is so much more peaceful and my self esteem rebounded. If I could go back and re-do my 20s I think that's the number one thing I'd change - cut people out the moment they made a passive aggressive dig at me.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 10:06 AM on December 23, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by nouvelle-personne at 10:06 AM on December 23, 2022 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by so fucking future at 3:48 PM on December 21, 2022 [25 favorites]