You look so young!
September 8, 2022 3:56 AM Subscribe
Do you look young for your age? How have you navigated this as you got older?
I'm a cisfemale and I'm not complaining about this issue, but it is getting a bit funny as I get older. I'm now solidly in my 40s and still get carded for alcohol, healthcare providers triple-check my DOB, etc. I also have a young voice, so I think this adds to the effect. I'm sure once I start going gray this will change. But in the meantime, how have others managed this?
To avoid this being too chat filter-y, I'll ask about specific circumstances:
- Professional: I'm a healthcare provider myself, and patients (and other clinicians) often assume I am inexperienced or a student on first meeting me. I explain, no, I've been doing this for almost twenty years, but am still met with surprised looks and some skepticism. (Same deal when consulting other providers or doing any teaching/mentorship). I'll add that, as a female, this can be doubly frustrating because I think men are questioned far less frequently.
- Parenting/socializing: I live in an area where many other parents of young kids are in their late 30s/early 40s. When I go to sit with the other "old" parents they look at me questioningly, as if I should be with the au pairs. I don't really know how to meet other parents and say, hey, nope, I'm actually your age, can we chat about interest rates?
I'm curious to hear how others have approached and/or responded to these or similar situations. Thanks!
I'm a cisfemale and I'm not complaining about this issue, but it is getting a bit funny as I get older. I'm now solidly in my 40s and still get carded for alcohol, healthcare providers triple-check my DOB, etc. I also have a young voice, so I think this adds to the effect. I'm sure once I start going gray this will change. But in the meantime, how have others managed this?
To avoid this being too chat filter-y, I'll ask about specific circumstances:
- Professional: I'm a healthcare provider myself, and patients (and other clinicians) often assume I am inexperienced or a student on first meeting me. I explain, no, I've been doing this for almost twenty years, but am still met with surprised looks and some skepticism. (Same deal when consulting other providers or doing any teaching/mentorship). I'll add that, as a female, this can be doubly frustrating because I think men are questioned far less frequently.
- Parenting/socializing: I live in an area where many other parents of young kids are in their late 30s/early 40s. When I go to sit with the other "old" parents they look at me questioningly, as if I should be with the au pairs. I don't really know how to meet other parents and say, hey, nope, I'm actually your age, can we chat about interest rates?
I'm curious to hear how others have approached and/or responded to these or similar situations. Thanks!
A a young-looking friend got rimless glasses and started wearing stodgier clothing when she started her job as a math professor, said it worked wonders in getting a little more respect.
I'm a man and looked pretty young most of my life too (less so with some gray hair and beard now), and you're right, it didn't bother me much at all, was mostly seen as a positive if it came up. Just another way sexism and agism intersect. Capitalism and white-male-centric 'professionalism' are big drivers imo.
posted by SaltySalticid at 4:29 AM on September 8, 2022 [1 favorite]
I'm a man and looked pretty young most of my life too (less so with some gray hair and beard now), and you're right, it didn't bother me much at all, was mostly seen as a positive if it came up. Just another way sexism and agism intersect. Capitalism and white-male-centric 'professionalism' are big drivers imo.
posted by SaltySalticid at 4:29 AM on September 8, 2022 [1 favorite]
In the same boat, with hair that refuses to show a speck of grey, and generally good skin.
When I started (prepandemic), I went to clinic in very nice clothes because I felt like it was easier to take me seriously. Now, I don’t care nearly as much.
I definitely have a Professional Voice. I also don’t give anyone a chance to question my experience now when I see a new patient. When I introduce myself, I almost immediately run in a short bio which included all of my training, that I always wanted to be a doctor and an oncologist, etc. If someone still says that I look too young to be a doctor, I tell them that I’m not as young as I used to be. If they continue to push it, I have (rarely) offered to refer them to one of my older white male colleagues.
At the end of the day, this is a Them problem, not a You problem. Keep fighting the good fight.
posted by honeybee413 at 5:46 AM on September 8, 2022 [8 favorites]
When I started (prepandemic), I went to clinic in very nice clothes because I felt like it was easier to take me seriously. Now, I don’t care nearly as much.
I definitely have a Professional Voice. I also don’t give anyone a chance to question my experience now when I see a new patient. When I introduce myself, I almost immediately run in a short bio which included all of my training, that I always wanted to be a doctor and an oncologist, etc. If someone still says that I look too young to be a doctor, I tell them that I’m not as young as I used to be. If they continue to push it, I have (rarely) offered to refer them to one of my older white male colleagues.
At the end of the day, this is a Them problem, not a You problem. Keep fighting the good fight.
posted by honeybee413 at 5:46 AM on September 8, 2022 [8 favorites]
I'm a 42 year old guy, with plenty of gray in my hair, and people routinely estimate me in my late 20s or early 30s. I work in an industry (tech) that's pretty youth-focused, and most of the parents around me are younger, so I don't run into the same frustrations you do (and I'm a guy, which has obvious implications). So I can lean into it. TBH, I generally find middle-age conversations about things like interest rates pretty vapid, so I don't mind conversing with younger people. Keeps me young at heart, at least. That's my advice to you: As frustrating as it can be professionally, there are definite benefits to seeming younger, and you shouldn't lose sight of that.
posted by kevinbelt at 7:15 AM on September 8, 2022 [3 favorites]
posted by kevinbelt at 7:15 AM on September 8, 2022 [3 favorites]
My younger looking than their age female friend who is also a healthcare provider uses humor (or attempted humor) at work. She introduces herself as Doogie Howser. Tells questioning patients that she got her med degree at 13.
In the situation you described with the other parents, when you go sit down with them say something like, "My son/daughter Pat said the cutest/funniest/craziest thing on the way over to the playground today. He said..." Or something to clearly indicate you are a parent without saying, "Hey I am an adult parent here."
posted by JohnnyGunn at 7:16 AM on September 8, 2022 [3 favorites]
In the situation you described with the other parents, when you go sit down with them say something like, "My son/daughter Pat said the cutest/funniest/craziest thing on the way over to the playground today. He said..." Or something to clearly indicate you are a parent without saying, "Hey I am an adult parent here."
posted by JohnnyGunn at 7:16 AM on September 8, 2022 [3 favorites]
I have always looked younger than my years, and so did my mother before me (she briefly had a part-time job in a vintage clothing shop, and when I came to meet her there once as a teenager and was introduced to her co-worker, she gasped, "J, there is NO WAY you're old enough to have a daughter in high school!"). All of the women in my family are blessed with genes that make us look about 15 years younger than we actually are.
I haven't ever seen that as anything I needed to "deal with", to be honest - I've instead seen it as a sort of advantage. I don't have wrinkles, so I don't have to pay through the nose for any skin cream or unguent; my hair is ash blond anyway, so the grays that are showing up blend in and I can cheerfully ignore them; and I also have the general energy and health of a younger person so I am just rocking along just fine.
Any kind of patronizing attitude I occasionally got was likely more due to my gender than my apparent age, anyway, and I dealt with that how any woman deals with that. But being 52 and looking more like I'm 35 is just an incidental fact that I only care about when I feel like it, and most of the time it's not any kind of problem anyway.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:38 AM on September 8, 2022 [3 favorites]
I haven't ever seen that as anything I needed to "deal with", to be honest - I've instead seen it as a sort of advantage. I don't have wrinkles, so I don't have to pay through the nose for any skin cream or unguent; my hair is ash blond anyway, so the grays that are showing up blend in and I can cheerfully ignore them; and I also have the general energy and health of a younger person so I am just rocking along just fine.
Any kind of patronizing attitude I occasionally got was likely more due to my gender than my apparent age, anyway, and I dealt with that how any woman deals with that. But being 52 and looking more like I'm 35 is just an incidental fact that I only care about when I feel like it, and most of the time it's not any kind of problem anyway.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:38 AM on September 8, 2022 [3 favorites]
When I was a teenager I looked old for my age, but at some point in my 20s I must have slingshotted around my apparent age, and people started thinking I was younger than I am. I have a current co-worker who said "I keep forgetting how old you are."
I tend to be oblivious to social cues, so there's that, but the last time someone carded me (quite a while ago now), I just said "oh, bless your heart." I also have whatever the male equivalent of resting bitch face is, so young-seeming or not, I think that causes people to take me more seriously.
posted by adamrice at 8:01 AM on September 8, 2022 [1 favorite]
I tend to be oblivious to social cues, so there's that, but the last time someone carded me (quite a while ago now), I just said "oh, bless your heart." I also have whatever the male equivalent of resting bitch face is, so young-seeming or not, I think that causes people to take me more seriously.
posted by adamrice at 8:01 AM on September 8, 2022 [1 favorite]
From infancy until high school, I always looked several years older. From university until my 40s, I looked significantly younger. (My hair started going gray in my 20s like my father’s whole family, but I dyed it until recently.) Routinely carded, asked where I was going to school, the whole nine yards.
I think the former helped me with the latter, because I’m so used to being misread that my natural response is always to laugh it off. I’m sure that looking young plus my childlessness has probably resulted in some people taking me less seriously, and occasional feelings of being the odd woman out at work. (I remember one staff holiday party where I got seated with the student interns; it never occurred to me until just now that maybe the person making the arrangements thought I WAS a student intern.) But even then, I still feel like my only choice was to keep a sense of humor about it while making sure that my work spoke for itself.
(The last five years have seen a major increase in illness and stress, causing the portrait in my attic to burn up. I’ve got a noticeable crease in my forehead and the beginnings of jowliness. I rarely have the energy for makeup anymore, and my arthritis makes coloring my hair a daunting task. So I’ll have to wait and see if I keep laughing out of my new face.)
posted by The Underpants Monster at 8:02 AM on September 8, 2022 [3 favorites]
I think the former helped me with the latter, because I’m so used to being misread that my natural response is always to laugh it off. I’m sure that looking young plus my childlessness has probably resulted in some people taking me less seriously, and occasional feelings of being the odd woman out at work. (I remember one staff holiday party where I got seated with the student interns; it never occurred to me until just now that maybe the person making the arrangements thought I WAS a student intern.) But even then, I still feel like my only choice was to keep a sense of humor about it while making sure that my work spoke for itself.
(The last five years have seen a major increase in illness and stress, causing the portrait in my attic to burn up. I’ve got a noticeable crease in my forehead and the beginnings of jowliness. I rarely have the energy for makeup anymore, and my arthritis makes coloring my hair a daunting task. So I’ll have to wait and see if I keep laughing out of my new face.)
posted by The Underpants Monster at 8:02 AM on September 8, 2022 [3 favorites]
Wear the trappings of your profession as signifiers.
My mother never trusted her awesomely competent female doctor because the doctor was not wearing a white coat during her visits. No matter how much I tried to convince my mother the white coat was not required to competently practice medicine, mom wouldn't believe it.
I once made the mistake of wearing my UC Berkeley Mickey Mouse t shirt and faded jeans to deliver a college lecture while being female. The parking patrol tried to ticket me for parking in the faculty lot and my large undergraduate lecture class sat blinking at me in disbelief throughout the lecture. I never did that again.
posted by effluvia at 8:08 AM on September 8, 2022 [8 favorites]
My mother never trusted her awesomely competent female doctor because the doctor was not wearing a white coat during her visits. No matter how much I tried to convince my mother the white coat was not required to competently practice medicine, mom wouldn't believe it.
I once made the mistake of wearing my UC Berkeley Mickey Mouse t shirt and faded jeans to deliver a college lecture while being female. The parking patrol tried to ticket me for parking in the faculty lot and my large undergraduate lecture class sat blinking at me in disbelief throughout the lecture. I never did that again.
posted by effluvia at 8:08 AM on September 8, 2022 [8 favorites]
I'm 45 and looked 25 for years. Maybe I've advanced to 30? I don't really know, I'm pretty faceblind and everyone between 25 and 65 looks the same to me. I also don't help matters by having a pile of tattoos and pink hair (I think I'm touching up to purple next), because fuck them, that's why. :)
I'm also a college professor and get a lot of "hey, are you here to buy your books?" and that kind of thing.
I dress impeccably (but with the ink out, see above), when I need to, which helps. (I tend to call it "dressing like a social worker" when I need to look nice but not super formal, though my favorite social worker wear combat boots and leggings to work at the VA, soooo shrugs). I earned my doctorate last spring, finally, and I've been flexing that a lot (which I have mixed feelings about but I earned it and it does help keep the first years from trying to run me over as hard). I also tend to mention stuff in class that makes it clear how old I am ("I watched the Berlin Wall fall live on TV"), since I'm teaching face to face again after years of just teaching online.
None of it is perfect, all of it helps a little bit.
posted by joycehealy at 8:28 AM on September 8, 2022 [2 favorites]
I'm also a college professor and get a lot of "hey, are you here to buy your books?" and that kind of thing.
I dress impeccably (but with the ink out, see above), when I need to, which helps. (I tend to call it "dressing like a social worker" when I need to look nice but not super formal, though my favorite social worker wear combat boots and leggings to work at the VA, soooo shrugs). I earned my doctorate last spring, finally, and I've been flexing that a lot (which I have mixed feelings about but I earned it and it does help keep the first years from trying to run me over as hard). I also tend to mention stuff in class that makes it clear how old I am ("I watched the Berlin Wall fall live on TV"), since I'm teaching face to face again after years of just teaching online.
None of it is perfect, all of it helps a little bit.
posted by joycehealy at 8:28 AM on September 8, 2022 [2 favorites]
Hair can make a huge difference, if you’re open to spending money on the issue: find a stylist who works well with your hair texture and discuss any limitations you have (e.g., you can only spend X time on your hair in the morning, you can’t have hair in your face, you hate X style), then decide on a style that is polished but not trendy, and get regular trims. Factor the time between haircuts into your selection of a style—a short cut can look terrific and signal “I’m an adult,” but may get shaggy and unkempt if you’re too busy for regular follow ups. Also, you don’t have to buy the salon products if you don’t want to, but definitely ask your stylist what types of products to use at home to recreate the finished look.
posted by theotherdurassister at 10:19 AM on September 8, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by theotherdurassister at 10:19 AM on September 8, 2022 [2 favorites]
Eye-catching 15-year work/career anniversary pin on your professional white coat? (Upgrade to 20-year when you reach that milestone.)
posted by Iris Gambol at 11:24 AM on September 8, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by Iris Gambol at 11:24 AM on September 8, 2022 [2 favorites]
Oh god I hate this so much!! I am 40 years old but I recently when I ordered a glass of wine and offered to show my ID, the waitress ARGUED with me saying, "Don't even try it, this won't work on me." Like she literally didn't want to see my ID. She was sure that it was going to be fake. And then when I pointed out my teenage children to her sitting right at the table with me, she wasn't even polite enough to look abashed let alone apologize. She acted as if she'd just paid me a huge compliment. Which, sigh, it apparently IS, in our fucked up society. Though why it should be a positive thing for a 40 year old woman to pass for a teenager is utterly beyond me.
As you can tell I haven't been very successful at navigating this out in the general/casual public sphere. However I learned early on how to project a certain brisk, no-nonsense authority when I am at work... and honestly, having children made that authority actually mine, not an affectation. Some non-intuitive aspects of projecting this brisk authority:
- When someone asks you a question, take a beat and deliberately think about it. Then answer in a calm tone. As a woman, and especially when I was younger, I was socialized to answer with alacrity and an attitude of "yes! I will help you!" and it turns out that is a signal to people that one is young and insignificant.
- Drop all prefixes and suffixes to questions you ask and statements you make. Go for "Good morning, is Judy is here today?" and not "Excuse me, good morning, I was just wondering, do you happen to know if Judy is here today?" Say "I believe Alan called the customer yesterday," not "I believe Alan called the customer yesterday, I mean, he was supposed to and I'm pretty sure he did, otherwise I would have heard."
- Express your niceness and politeness by saying an enthusiastic "thank you" at the end of the interaction rather than by saying "sorry" or being apologetic, self deprecating, etc. at the beginning of it. Seriously, SO MANY of us unconsciously say sorry or self deprecate as a way to cope with our anxiety over starting conversations that I'm sure this tip alone will make a huge difference.
- This is personality dependent, but if you can become comfortable with bestowing a fleeting but pointed withering look at people who treat you with disrespect or blatantly insist you must be very young, that sure helps - even if only internally! Every time I pull one off I become more firmly settled into my crone self, and it shows!
posted by MiraK at 11:28 AM on September 8, 2022 [15 favorites]
As you can tell I haven't been very successful at navigating this out in the general/casual public sphere. However I learned early on how to project a certain brisk, no-nonsense authority when I am at work... and honestly, having children made that authority actually mine, not an affectation. Some non-intuitive aspects of projecting this brisk authority:
- When someone asks you a question, take a beat and deliberately think about it. Then answer in a calm tone. As a woman, and especially when I was younger, I was socialized to answer with alacrity and an attitude of "yes! I will help you!" and it turns out that is a signal to people that one is young and insignificant.
- Drop all prefixes and suffixes to questions you ask and statements you make. Go for "Good morning, is Judy is here today?" and not "Excuse me, good morning, I was just wondering, do you happen to know if Judy is here today?" Say "I believe Alan called the customer yesterday," not "I believe Alan called the customer yesterday, I mean, he was supposed to and I'm pretty sure he did, otherwise I would have heard."
- Express your niceness and politeness by saying an enthusiastic "thank you" at the end of the interaction rather than by saying "sorry" or being apologetic, self deprecating, etc. at the beginning of it. Seriously, SO MANY of us unconsciously say sorry or self deprecate as a way to cope with our anxiety over starting conversations that I'm sure this tip alone will make a huge difference.
- This is personality dependent, but if you can become comfortable with bestowing a fleeting but pointed withering look at people who treat you with disrespect or blatantly insist you must be very young, that sure helps - even if only internally! Every time I pull one off I become more firmly settled into my crone self, and it shows!
posted by MiraK at 11:28 AM on September 8, 2022 [15 favorites]
43 here and have looked much younger than my actual age basically forever.
Most people these days place me at around ~26, and I get "young lady" a lot. It's not the worst situation to be in, but it does get obnoxious when it seems like people aren't listening to me or taking me seriously.
As a partial remedy to this, I've started swapping in polo shirts for T shirts (especially in work settings) and also trying to do a better job of positioning myself as "person in charge of X and Y" when encountering new people in a professional context.
It has honestly only recently really sunken in that I am, in fact, now the adult in the room in many circumstances and somewhat to my surprise, I'm finding that when you can *project* this, people will respond to it. As for the "how" of this, mostly I'm trying to watch the ratio of questions to statements I make (as in, I don't always need to be questioning my own decisions for a committee vote; there are some areas I can rightfully claim authority in), as well as letting people know directly what things they can depend on me for.
posted by aecorwin at 12:40 PM on September 8, 2022 [2 favorites]
Most people these days place me at around ~26, and I get "young lady" a lot. It's not the worst situation to be in, but it does get obnoxious when it seems like people aren't listening to me or taking me seriously.
As a partial remedy to this, I've started swapping in polo shirts for T shirts (especially in work settings) and also trying to do a better job of positioning myself as "person in charge of X and Y" when encountering new people in a professional context.
It has honestly only recently really sunken in that I am, in fact, now the adult in the room in many circumstances and somewhat to my surprise, I'm finding that when you can *project* this, people will respond to it. As for the "how" of this, mostly I'm trying to watch the ratio of questions to statements I make (as in, I don't always need to be questioning my own decisions for a committee vote; there are some areas I can rightfully claim authority in), as well as letting people know directly what things they can depend on me for.
posted by aecorwin at 12:40 PM on September 8, 2022 [2 favorites]
I accept that, while it can be annoying in the ways you mention, it also gives us certain other privileges.
I agree that at work it's often gendered and extra unfair. I am in education and sometimes add sentences like "in my sixteen years of teaching..." Of course, at a school we get to know everyone and kids don't care; in healthcare you're always meeting new and old people.
It just sounds like the other parents kinda suck. We should treat everyone as equals, especially fellow parents whether they're 22 or 62, and not assume people are idiots because they're old or inexperienced because they're young.
I know this isn't really advice as much as support but I hope it maybe helps to read.
posted by smorgasbord at 5:38 PM on September 8, 2022 [1 favorite]
I agree that at work it's often gendered and extra unfair. I am in education and sometimes add sentences like "in my sixteen years of teaching..." Of course, at a school we get to know everyone and kids don't care; in healthcare you're always meeting new and old people.
It just sounds like the other parents kinda suck. We should treat everyone as equals, especially fellow parents whether they're 22 or 62, and not assume people are idiots because they're old or inexperienced because they're young.
I know this isn't really advice as much as support but I hope it maybe helps to read.
posted by smorgasbord at 5:38 PM on September 8, 2022 [1 favorite]
Blazers, letting my frown lines proliferate, no fun hair colours but I did put in a bunch of haphazardly silver grey streaks, and big serious glasses (the latter immediately identify my profession and compensate for looking like a village baker). I am short, with enough chubbiness to smooth out wrinkles and also big round cheeks, and if I am relaxed enough I get carded weirdly regularly.
With other parents it does get easier. My first few years sucked until I found others in similar situations, because between class, gender non-conforming appearance/behaviour, and looking too young, I copped a lot of weird censure and condescension.
When teaching I do reference my age on occasion, or when out with new people. I'm usually assumed to be ten years younger unless I'm on vacation and blissfully relaxed. Folk still forget but it's less of a thing. Standing with confidence and taking up space helps too. Slowing my speech down a bit, projecting more, and good posture.
My mother is still looking young enough to get my father lectures - they're both in their sixties and only two years apart. It was worse when we were younger, since she was assumed my sibling and so had to do damage control to not have my poor father slandered as a gross old lecher. My mother does absolutely nothing to change her appearance or behaviour, just simply repeats over and over her actual age and the pithy "gain half a pound a year to smooth out your skin" which seems to assuage people.
posted by geek anachronism at 5:54 PM on September 8, 2022 [2 favorites]
With other parents it does get easier. My first few years sucked until I found others in similar situations, because between class, gender non-conforming appearance/behaviour, and looking too young, I copped a lot of weird censure and condescension.
When teaching I do reference my age on occasion, or when out with new people. I'm usually assumed to be ten years younger unless I'm on vacation and blissfully relaxed. Folk still forget but it's less of a thing. Standing with confidence and taking up space helps too. Slowing my speech down a bit, projecting more, and good posture.
My mother is still looking young enough to get my father lectures - they're both in their sixties and only two years apart. It was worse when we were younger, since she was assumed my sibling and so had to do damage control to not have my poor father slandered as a gross old lecher. My mother does absolutely nothing to change her appearance or behaviour, just simply repeats over and over her actual age and the pithy "gain half a pound a year to smooth out your skin" which seems to assuage people.
posted by geek anachronism at 5:54 PM on September 8, 2022 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: Thanks for all of the replies so far! As a bit of clarification/follow-up, I’m also curious how it has felt for people who have “finally” aged. Does it feel a relief to no longer be questioned? Or does it feel like losing a bit of your identity, or bittersweet, or…? Did other people comment on it (eg, friends and family?) One of the aspects I struggle with currently is watching my friends and family morph into middle age (extra weight, sallow skin, greying hair, etc.—clearly looking “in their 40s”) and they often remark on how I haven’t aged at all, which makes me feel a bit self-conscious. I wave it off because it’s just dumb genetic luck, but it still feels a bit awkward.
posted by stillmoving at 6:50 PM on September 8, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by stillmoving at 6:50 PM on September 8, 2022 [1 favorite]
I look young for my age - probably by about 15 years or so, though as I get older that gap does seem to be narrowing. When I started 4th grade in a new school the teacher asked if I was looking for the kindergarten. I got carded for a rated-R movie in college. My mom got asked why she wasn't in school when she was downtown to get her marriage license at age 23.
It is absolutely infantilizing and I especially hate it at work, though I really don't love it in social situations either. (I have a friend who I had to tell to please stop doing the "guess how old misskaz is" game every time she introduced me to someone new.)
I stopped dying my hair vivid colors, partly so that I could let my greys start to come in. I wear glasses nearly all of the time. I am trying to dress a little more professionally at work even though we have a casual office - I wear blazers and jewelry more often, though you can pry my (clean, well-matched) streetwear sneakers from my cold dead hands. (I also have lots of tattoos so there's only so much I can do about that.) I bring up my nearly 20 years of experience as often as I can without being weird about it. I am less acquiescent in emails and more willing to let people just... not like me. As a people-pleaser, that is hard.
To answer your update, I don't think it's a bright line when everything switches. I can simultaneously appreciate as I slowly get more respect at work while also vainly lamenting my deepening frown lines. Some folks don't seem surprised at my age anymore, while others still think I'm in my 30s. It's a mind fuck to be in this position because our society puts so much value on looking young, especially for women, but there absolutely are negatives to it. Honestly I would ask your friends not to comment on your looks next time they do it. You can also stop being thankful and gracious when strangers comment on it - a pause and a "well I'm 46 and I look like this so I guess this is what 46 looks like" type statement can make your point.
posted by misskaz at 6:35 AM on September 9, 2022 [3 favorites]
It is absolutely infantilizing and I especially hate it at work, though I really don't love it in social situations either. (I have a friend who I had to tell to please stop doing the "guess how old misskaz is" game every time she introduced me to someone new.)
I stopped dying my hair vivid colors, partly so that I could let my greys start to come in. I wear glasses nearly all of the time. I am trying to dress a little more professionally at work even though we have a casual office - I wear blazers and jewelry more often, though you can pry my (clean, well-matched) streetwear sneakers from my cold dead hands. (I also have lots of tattoos so there's only so much I can do about that.) I bring up my nearly 20 years of experience as often as I can without being weird about it. I am less acquiescent in emails and more willing to let people just... not like me. As a people-pleaser, that is hard.
To answer your update, I don't think it's a bright line when everything switches. I can simultaneously appreciate as I slowly get more respect at work while also vainly lamenting my deepening frown lines. Some folks don't seem surprised at my age anymore, while others still think I'm in my 30s. It's a mind fuck to be in this position because our society puts so much value on looking young, especially for women, but there absolutely are negatives to it. Honestly I would ask your friends not to comment on your looks next time they do it. You can also stop being thankful and gracious when strangers comment on it - a pause and a "well I'm 46 and I look like this so I guess this is what 46 looks like" type statement can make your point.
posted by misskaz at 6:35 AM on September 9, 2022 [3 favorites]
My dad is pushing 70 and looks maybe 50s; I am in my early 40s and get mistaken for 20s or early 30s; multiple people at work are surprised when I tell them I am roundabout the same age as Star Wars: A New Hope.
I very greatly enjoy the kind of casual-truth-bomb style that Mr Bennet drops in the 2nd chapter of Pride & Prejudice; his wife had been nagging him about visiting a new rich bachelor in town in hopes of getting their daughters married off to him. Mr Bennet secretly went and met the bachelor but continued to let Mrs Bennet believe that he hadn't, until he found a convenient moment to reveal it:
"While Mary is adjusting her ideas," he continued, "let us return to Mr. Bingley."
"I am sick of Mr. Bingley," cried his wife.
"I am sorry to hear that; but why did not you tell me that before? If I had known as much this morning I certainly would not have called on him. It is very unlucky; but as I have actually paid the visit, we cannot escape the acquaintance now."
The astonishment of the ladies was just what he wished; that of Mrs. Bennet perhaps surpassing the rest; though, when the first tumult of joy was over, she began to declare that it was what she had expected all the while.
In a similar way, I enjoy casually dropping references to having lived much earlier than anticipated, like throwing in "by the time I finished high school in 96" nuances, or "in the late 80s when I was 10" just to see the wrinkling of foreheads when they try to piece together that I'm actually way older than their guessing, making for a fun spin on the reaction:
"You were not 10 in the late 80s."
"Well, you're right; just for one year of the late 80s. In 88 I turned 11."
You can use their disbelief of your age as a source of amusement, rather than as a problem, making you appear to be a surprisingly deeper person than had been anticipated.
"You seem really good at that."
"Well I should be good at it by now, with 16 years experience."
"16 years experience? When did you start, when you were 4?"
"Had I started when I was 4, I would have 40 years experience by now; 16 years ago I was about 28."
When old people at social events ask me how school is going (despite having finished college in 2000) I toy with them, by telling that I'm not really sure but must be failing it very badly because I never show up to class. When told that I will never graduate if I don't show up, I reply that oh, I graduated a long time ago; I didn't realize I needed to keep attending after that =)
posted by Quarter Pincher at 7:51 AM on September 9, 2022 [1 favorite]
I very greatly enjoy the kind of casual-truth-bomb style that Mr Bennet drops in the 2nd chapter of Pride & Prejudice; his wife had been nagging him about visiting a new rich bachelor in town in hopes of getting their daughters married off to him. Mr Bennet secretly went and met the bachelor but continued to let Mrs Bennet believe that he hadn't, until he found a convenient moment to reveal it:
"While Mary is adjusting her ideas," he continued, "let us return to Mr. Bingley."
"I am sick of Mr. Bingley," cried his wife.
"I am sorry to hear that; but why did not you tell me that before? If I had known as much this morning I certainly would not have called on him. It is very unlucky; but as I have actually paid the visit, we cannot escape the acquaintance now."
The astonishment of the ladies was just what he wished; that of Mrs. Bennet perhaps surpassing the rest; though, when the first tumult of joy was over, she began to declare that it was what she had expected all the while.
In a similar way, I enjoy casually dropping references to having lived much earlier than anticipated, like throwing in "by the time I finished high school in 96" nuances, or "in the late 80s when I was 10" just to see the wrinkling of foreheads when they try to piece together that I'm actually way older than their guessing, making for a fun spin on the reaction:
"You were not 10 in the late 80s."
"Well, you're right; just for one year of the late 80s. In 88 I turned 11."
You can use their disbelief of your age as a source of amusement, rather than as a problem, making you appear to be a surprisingly deeper person than had been anticipated.
"You seem really good at that."
"Well I should be good at it by now, with 16 years experience."
"16 years experience? When did you start, when you were 4?"
"Had I started when I was 4, I would have 40 years experience by now; 16 years ago I was about 28."
When old people at social events ask me how school is going (despite having finished college in 2000) I toy with them, by telling that I'm not really sure but must be failing it very badly because I never show up to class. When told that I will never graduate if I don't show up, I reply that oh, I graduated a long time ago; I didn't realize I needed to keep attending after that =)
posted by Quarter Pincher at 7:51 AM on September 9, 2022 [1 favorite]
I find myself dropping my age into conversations a lot*, especially now that I'm in my 50s (52!), even at work, because there's nothing wrong with having an age. Also, as a woman in the tech industry I'm always watching for gender discrimination - I see stating my age as a protection like, "Yep, I'm 52 and a woman and we both know that if you discriminate against me it's not going to end well." I'm grateful to the #MeToo movement for that feeling and I think that there's safety in numbers.
I recently moved house and it was a horrible experience and every time I told someone about it I started with, "I've moved a million times in my life but I turned 52 the week of my move and that one almost killed me."
* OK, I do get a little thrill when people say "you don't look that old"
posted by bendy at 7:21 PM on September 9, 2022 [1 favorite]
I recently moved house and it was a horrible experience and every time I told someone about it I started with, "I've moved a million times in my life but I turned 52 the week of my move and that one almost killed me."
* OK, I do get a little thrill when people say "you don't look that old"
posted by bendy at 7:21 PM on September 9, 2022 [1 favorite]
I’m also curious how it has felt for people who have “finally” aged.
WRT to your follow-up, I’d say that by mentioning my age or other indicators of it - “I saw Star Wars in the theater when it first came out,” or “I was in high school at the end of the Cold War,” I’ve forced myself to “finally” age for people around me.
I’ve embraced age - obviously since I’m doing this intentionally - I’ve found I’m happier, more confident, smarter, more eager and able to take on leadership duties and I get kind of excited talking about it. I’ll tell people, “since I turned 40 I’ve just let my freak flag fly,” and “each decade has been more satisfying than the last.” I’ve learned to let a lot of things go and be more aware of people who aren’t me which gives me less bandwidth to fret about me.
But I’ve never been concerned about the physical affects of aging on my appearance. I don’t love being a little jowly or saggy in places but I’m in reasonably good health, and somewhat indifferent about having a long life. If I were to compare my appearance to that of other people well, in my opinion I’m a solid 50th percentile but so what? I don’t know if other people do this but I don’t consider another person physically attractive or unattractive until I know something about their personality. I often don’t even recognize them.
Last weekend I took the train to another city to visit a friend I hadn’t seen since 2018. I’d only met her a few times in person but we’ve been talking via text and Facebook since then. I was really worried I wouldn’t recognize her. From our conversations I knew that she was a warm, compassionate woman about my age with longish brown hair and that she always expressed that she was happy to talk to me. When I got off the train I recognized her immediately from her hair, her huge smile and her big h ug.
they often remark on how I haven’t aged at all, which makes me feel a bit self-conscious
That’s definitely a case where it’s not you it’s them. They’re focusing on their disappointment with their own appearance as they age and they perceive you as looking younger and envy you. We’re conditioned not to mention our own insecurities directly but it’s apparently OK to express them with a ‘compliment’ because a majority of people rate physical attractiveness as a major goal or status thing and are disappointed or insecure because they haven’t reached some imaginary standard. It’s a really messed-up societal issue caused by advertising and etc.
Jean Kilbourne has written extensively about this if you feel like diving into theory. Her latest book Can't Buy My Love: How Advertising Changes the Way We Think and Feel is a good place to start, as are the various iterations of her documentary, “Killing Us Softly.”
posted by bendy at 7:53 PM on September 10, 2022 [1 favorite]
WRT to your follow-up, I’d say that by mentioning my age or other indicators of it - “I saw Star Wars in the theater when it first came out,” or “I was in high school at the end of the Cold War,” I’ve forced myself to “finally” age for people around me.
I’ve embraced age - obviously since I’m doing this intentionally - I’ve found I’m happier, more confident, smarter, more eager and able to take on leadership duties and I get kind of excited talking about it. I’ll tell people, “since I turned 40 I’ve just let my freak flag fly,” and “each decade has been more satisfying than the last.” I’ve learned to let a lot of things go and be more aware of people who aren’t me which gives me less bandwidth to fret about me.
But I’ve never been concerned about the physical affects of aging on my appearance. I don’t love being a little jowly or saggy in places but I’m in reasonably good health, and somewhat indifferent about having a long life. If I were to compare my appearance to that of other people well, in my opinion I’m a solid 50th percentile but so what? I don’t know if other people do this but I don’t consider another person physically attractive or unattractive until I know something about their personality. I often don’t even recognize them.
Last weekend I took the train to another city to visit a friend I hadn’t seen since 2018. I’d only met her a few times in person but we’ve been talking via text and Facebook since then. I was really worried I wouldn’t recognize her. From our conversations I knew that she was a warm, compassionate woman about my age with longish brown hair and that she always expressed that she was happy to talk to me. When I got off the train I recognized her immediately from her hair, her huge smile and her big h ug.
they often remark on how I haven’t aged at all, which makes me feel a bit self-conscious
That’s definitely a case where it’s not you it’s them. They’re focusing on their disappointment with their own appearance as they age and they perceive you as looking younger and envy you. We’re conditioned not to mention our own insecurities directly but it’s apparently OK to express them with a ‘compliment’ because a majority of people rate physical attractiveness as a major goal or status thing and are disappointed or insecure because they haven’t reached some imaginary standard. It’s a really messed-up societal issue caused by advertising and etc.
Jean Kilbourne has written extensively about this if you feel like diving into theory. Her latest book Can't Buy My Love: How Advertising Changes the Way We Think and Feel is a good place to start, as are the various iterations of her documentary, “Killing Us Softly.”
posted by bendy at 7:53 PM on September 10, 2022 [1 favorite]
The Beauty Myth by Naomi Klein is another classic book about how we’re indoctrinated with the drive to be beautiful.
posted by bendy at 7:58 PM on September 10, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by bendy at 7:58 PM on September 10, 2022 [1 favorite]
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