What do you wish you did to prepare for old age without kids?
July 4, 2022 3:43 PM Subscribe
A number of past AskMeFi questions have focused on what it's like to live without kids. I'd like to ask a different but related question: what are, in hindsight, the most important recommendations and tips from people who reached old age without kids?
My spouse and I are (hopefully) a couple of decades (at least) away from the very end, but I have lately been fretting about my mortality and worrying about making the right choices and preparations for when we're increasingly unable to take care of ourselves. With no kids (by choice), we want to make sure to put in place whatever needs to be put in place for aging without kids, before doing those things becomes impossible.
So what do people wish they had done to prepare for the end of their lives without kids to help them in old age? Or conversely, what did people do, and then confirm it was indeed important to do?
I'm particularly curious about living arrangements, health care, finances, and social safety nets, but really, any other tips would be welcome too.
My spouse and I are (hopefully) a couple of decades (at least) away from the very end, but I have lately been fretting about my mortality and worrying about making the right choices and preparations for when we're increasingly unable to take care of ourselves. With no kids (by choice), we want to make sure to put in place whatever needs to be put in place for aging without kids, before doing those things becomes impossible.
So what do people wish they had done to prepare for the end of their lives without kids to help them in old age? Or conversely, what did people do, and then confirm it was indeed important to do?
I'm particularly curious about living arrangements, health care, finances, and social safety nets, but really, any other tips would be welcome too.
If there is anything to inherit - a home, money, whatever…make it very clear as soon as possible in whatever way your jurisdiction requires WHO you want to receive that stuff.
There are plenty of houses sitting around vacant because nobody can find an heir, or because all the potential heirs are fighting each other due to a lack of clarity.
If you have a favorite nibling you want to set up, do it now while you are able and go through whatever legal steps are necessary to reaffirm that choice at reasonable intervals. (That will is 20/30/40 years old, surely the deceased meant for me to be included/my children to have a greater share because I wasn’t/ they weren’t born yet when that will was made!)
posted by bilabial at 5:42 PM on July 4, 2022 [3 favorites]
There are plenty of houses sitting around vacant because nobody can find an heir, or because all the potential heirs are fighting each other due to a lack of clarity.
If you have a favorite nibling you want to set up, do it now while you are able and go through whatever legal steps are necessary to reaffirm that choice at reasonable intervals. (That will is 20/30/40 years old, surely the deceased meant for me to be included/my children to have a greater share because I wasn’t/ they weren’t born yet when that will was made!)
posted by bilabial at 5:42 PM on July 4, 2022 [3 favorites]
A few relatives have moved into community living with levels of care ranging from completely healthy to dementia care. One family moved out though after another couple was separated due to different needs. Plus it was $$$ to cover staffing and community needs.
posted by beaning at 6:17 PM on July 4, 2022
posted by beaning at 6:17 PM on July 4, 2022
1. Make sure you save aggressively for retirement since you won't have a younger generation to back you up and the quality of paid care is usually (somewhat) proportional to amount the caregivers are being paid.
2. Make it a point to be actively engaged in multi-generational activities through out your life. The goal is to have rich friendship network which in addition to being good for your mental health also means that you have people where there is a history of mutual support that you might be able to call on when you need more than you can give.
3. Similarly, if you have nieces and nephews and maybe even grand-nieces and grand-nephews (biological, or chosen family) invest in actively in those relationships through out your lifetime. My great-aunt was single most of her life but many of us felt a connection to her, thanks in part to regular "care packages" (with increasingly random contents as she got older, but still...) One of her nephews was involved in helping to coordinate her care as she moved into her advance years. (He didn't provide her direct care but he could do things like sign her up for an internet account, buy her a kindle, and teach her how to use it. )
4. There are definitely many senior communities that offer a continuum of care from fully independent to full nursing home. This is usually expensive (see #1) The problem is that sometime the subleties of what you might actually need when the time comes may make your choice less than optimal - but still it can be reassuring option as you and your partner become less able to cope with complicated decisions.
posted by metahawk at 6:42 PM on July 4, 2022 [9 favorites]
2. Make it a point to be actively engaged in multi-generational activities through out your life. The goal is to have rich friendship network which in addition to being good for your mental health also means that you have people where there is a history of mutual support that you might be able to call on when you need more than you can give.
3. Similarly, if you have nieces and nephews and maybe even grand-nieces and grand-nephews (biological, or chosen family) invest in actively in those relationships through out your lifetime. My great-aunt was single most of her life but many of us felt a connection to her, thanks in part to regular "care packages" (with increasingly random contents as she got older, but still...) One of her nephews was involved in helping to coordinate her care as she moved into her advance years. (He didn't provide her direct care but he could do things like sign her up for an internet account, buy her a kindle, and teach her how to use it. )
4. There are definitely many senior communities that offer a continuum of care from fully independent to full nursing home. This is usually expensive (see #1) The problem is that sometime the subleties of what you might actually need when the time comes may make your choice less than optimal - but still it can be reassuring option as you and your partner become less able to cope with complicated decisions.
posted by metahawk at 6:42 PM on July 4, 2022 [9 favorites]
We are moving to a community where we’ll still be able to do what we need to do even if we can no longer drive a car. There are very few communities like that in the USA, and it seems to be something that not a lot of people think about when they think about their old age.
posted by MexicanYenta at 8:01 PM on July 4, 2022 [17 favorites]
posted by MexicanYenta at 8:01 PM on July 4, 2022 [17 favorites]
What I've observed:
1) Kept up with medical and dental appointments, and addressed troublesome stuff early.
2) Had pastimes that promoted physical and mental agility over the long term. (Pick at least one indoor and one outdoor hobby you & your spouse can enjoy together.)
3) By their mid 20s/early 30s, had settled into working in one profession/for one company (less risk-taking, in favor of [then-stronger] unions & pension programs) until retirement: teachers, nurses, bank employees, postal workers, utility company employees; city, county, state, federal gov't work. (Seen a few times: someone spending 20-25 years in one job, with their first retirement in their 40s or 50s, and afterward earning a second, smaller pension from a job held 10-15 years. [This is much harder to do now].)
I've known several elderly people with solid financial resources and similar fitness levels, and their ability to successfully age in place hinged on whether they were already living in a single-level home. Having had steady rental income at some point (not necessarily during the retirement years) while building investment portfolios was the significant financial resource for a few of these folks, if that's at all open to you.
Since you're asking, I am very much assuming you are in North America. Besides the climate change concerns, something to consider if you're planning to stay where you are: if neither of you were able to drive, how would you manage? See what resources the department for aging has available now, and start advocating for what it lacks. If it's insurmountable, look into friendlier locales.
posted by Iris Gambol at 8:07 PM on July 4, 2022 [5 favorites]
1) Kept up with medical and dental appointments, and addressed troublesome stuff early.
2) Had pastimes that promoted physical and mental agility over the long term. (Pick at least one indoor and one outdoor hobby you & your spouse can enjoy together.)
3) By their mid 20s/early 30s, had settled into working in one profession/for one company (less risk-taking, in favor of [then-stronger] unions & pension programs) until retirement: teachers, nurses, bank employees, postal workers, utility company employees; city, county, state, federal gov't work. (Seen a few times: someone spending 20-25 years in one job, with their first retirement in their 40s or 50s, and afterward earning a second, smaller pension from a job held 10-15 years. [This is much harder to do now].)
I've known several elderly people with solid financial resources and similar fitness levels, and their ability to successfully age in place hinged on whether they were already living in a single-level home. Having had steady rental income at some point (not necessarily during the retirement years) while building investment portfolios was the significant financial resource for a few of these folks, if that's at all open to you.
Since you're asking, I am very much assuming you are in North America. Besides the climate change concerns, something to consider if you're planning to stay where you are: if neither of you were able to drive, how would you manage? See what resources the department for aging has available now, and start advocating for what it lacks. If it's insurmountable, look into friendlier locales.
posted by Iris Gambol at 8:07 PM on July 4, 2022 [5 favorites]
Oh, missed #4: One intergenerational social-safety net for unrelated people is shared religion/spirituality. If either of you lean even a little in that direction, explore your options.
posted by Iris Gambol at 8:15 PM on July 4, 2022
posted by Iris Gambol at 8:15 PM on July 4, 2022
A friend of mine was a tax accountant in Florida. They worked with many older people, with or without kids. Many become forgetful and disorganized with aging. So many of their clients had accounts they totally forgot about. A piece of advice that came from that is to simplify as much as possible. One bank account, one credit card, etc. Start before you think you need to .
posted by dum spiro spero at 10:19 PM on July 4, 2022 [4 favorites]
posted by dum spiro spero at 10:19 PM on July 4, 2022 [4 favorites]
Think hard about where you are going to live. Are there shops and places you can socialize (a park or library, say) that you can walk to or get to easily? Hospital and doctor near enough? I know some folks who moved to someplace idyllic for a peaceful retirement and found it pretty unlivable as soon as health/mobility issues cropped up. Same with maintaining a large house and yard.
posted by Ausamor at 6:44 AM on July 5, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by Ausamor at 6:44 AM on July 5, 2022 [2 favorites]
2nding the single level home, or at least a home where a bedroom could go on the first floor with room for a caregiver if & when one is needed.
posted by wowenthusiast at 2:16 PM on July 5, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by wowenthusiast at 2:16 PM on July 5, 2022 [2 favorites]
For what it's worth, I'm planning in my future to be single and do not assume my children will be able or willing to take care of me, because that's not a great plan for them! It would be good if you all planned for the future when there will be only one you, too. Don't assume you'll both have each other always.
From watching my parents age, here are some things it would be good to keep in mind:
How you'll get around in your home if you're not fully mobile (ie don't live someplace with lots of steps)
How you'll get around *once* you can't drive. This one is huge! So many places in the US are so car-dependent, but so many people can't drive. Being able to take public transportation or walk places will mean you can be independent a lot longer.
How you'll have community. I think a lot about where I want to live and who I want to be around. I am thinking about living in some sort of intergenerational community because I really do like being around kids and people of all ages. I don't want to move into a retirement community but would rather live in a co-housing neighborhood type of situation where there might be lots of eyes on me, where maybe I can help out babysitting, etc.
How I'll have health and mobility. What do I want to do when I'm 90 and what do I need to do now on the edge of 50 to get there? So I think a lot about mobility and healthy aging.
posted by bluedaisy at 4:16 PM on July 5, 2022 [9 favorites]
From watching my parents age, here are some things it would be good to keep in mind:
How you'll get around in your home if you're not fully mobile (ie don't live someplace with lots of steps)
How you'll get around *once* you can't drive. This one is huge! So many places in the US are so car-dependent, but so many people can't drive. Being able to take public transportation or walk places will mean you can be independent a lot longer.
How you'll have community. I think a lot about where I want to live and who I want to be around. I am thinking about living in some sort of intergenerational community because I really do like being around kids and people of all ages. I don't want to move into a retirement community but would rather live in a co-housing neighborhood type of situation where there might be lots of eyes on me, where maybe I can help out babysitting, etc.
How I'll have health and mobility. What do I want to do when I'm 90 and what do I need to do now on the edge of 50 to get there? So I think a lot about mobility and healthy aging.
posted by bluedaisy at 4:16 PM on July 5, 2022 [9 favorites]
I am not elderly but recently have had to deal with unprepared elderly relatives needing decisions on living situations made for them in emergency situations. Here's what I recommended to all my fellow 50-something friends at the time:
Make a will. Tell your trustees/executors where it is; better yet, mail them copies or otherwise make it available to them without your giving it to them, so they don't have to rely on you in the event that you are unable to give it to them. Assign powers of attorney and medical powers of attorney. Make sure you have backups for POA and medical POA; in other words, your spouse may not be around when you need help and can't make your own decisions. So who should it be? What criteria do you want to be used for another person or people to decide whether you're incapable of making your own decisions? And remember, it may not be your spouse/partner making that decision. What this looks like in practice is that your POA might pay bills on your behalf, might make decisions about where you live, might choose doctors and healthcare procedures for you, and might do other things that make you pretty pissed in the moment, even though it's in your best interest.
We took childless aging into account when we moved recently: We bought a house in a walkable city community lively with people of all generations. If we decide to stay in this house when we are very old and not very mobile, we are able to add a bedroom and bathroom on the first floor for single story living. And to rent out a part of the house to a renter for income or to have a caregiver live in it. In the case that either or both of us aren't capable of staying here in very old age, the neighborhood also features at least three variations on assisted living--all still walkable to grocery stores and other amenities like parks and restaurants.
I'm super interested in urban co-housing during retirement years, inspired by this story about an intentional co-housing community of women in France calling themselves "Baba Yagas" after the old Slavic folklore. In fact I recently led a future planning workshop among my similarly-aged friends and called it the Baba Yaga Retreat. I have informal, sort of joking but sort of not really, agreements with several female friends that if we reach a certain age and are widows and don't want to move to assisted living places, let's all move in together, Golden Girls style.
posted by ImproviseOrDie at 10:01 AM on March 24, 2023 [1 favorite]
Make a will. Tell your trustees/executors where it is; better yet, mail them copies or otherwise make it available to them without your giving it to them, so they don't have to rely on you in the event that you are unable to give it to them. Assign powers of attorney and medical powers of attorney. Make sure you have backups for POA and medical POA; in other words, your spouse may not be around when you need help and can't make your own decisions. So who should it be? What criteria do you want to be used for another person or people to decide whether you're incapable of making your own decisions? And remember, it may not be your spouse/partner making that decision. What this looks like in practice is that your POA might pay bills on your behalf, might make decisions about where you live, might choose doctors and healthcare procedures for you, and might do other things that make you pretty pissed in the moment, even though it's in your best interest.
We took childless aging into account when we moved recently: We bought a house in a walkable city community lively with people of all generations. If we decide to stay in this house when we are very old and not very mobile, we are able to add a bedroom and bathroom on the first floor for single story living. And to rent out a part of the house to a renter for income or to have a caregiver live in it. In the case that either or both of us aren't capable of staying here in very old age, the neighborhood also features at least three variations on assisted living--all still walkable to grocery stores and other amenities like parks and restaurants.
I'm super interested in urban co-housing during retirement years, inspired by this story about an intentional co-housing community of women in France calling themselves "Baba Yagas" after the old Slavic folklore. In fact I recently led a future planning workshop among my similarly-aged friends and called it the Baba Yaga Retreat. I have informal, sort of joking but sort of not really, agreements with several female friends that if we reach a certain age and are widows and don't want to move to assisted living places, let's all move in together, Golden Girls style.
posted by ImproviseOrDie at 10:01 AM on March 24, 2023 [1 favorite]
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posted by pleasant_confusion at 4:51 PM on July 4, 2022 [5 favorites]