What to Consider When Breaking Up With Long Term Domestic Partner?
February 7, 2022 7:30 PM Subscribe
What do I need to consider as I break up with my long term domestic partner?
I (early 50s F) am breaking up with my long term, 15 + years SO (early 60s M) for many reasons, the biggest being financial and the fact that I feel used. I'm not sure if what they're doing constitutes financial abuse. I'm not even sure I care whether or not it does. He has not worked consistently since we've lived together. Much of that was due to his being a victim of a violent crime, being hospitalized for months, and needing many surgeries to recover - within the year that we met. That's what started the unemployment. He has worked a little here, a little there since then.
I feel used. It is made worse by his behaving like this is all fine. I have never seen him spend an hour, let alone a day, looking for a job online, something he has seen me do many, many times. Other than during the financial crisis, when I was laid off of work, I have always had at least one job, sometimes as many as three jobs. Through time or habit he behaves or as though my things are our things, or that he has some ownership to my things, or the wordless presumption that my money is our money. But I heard him exaggerate to a family member making it sound like he worked way more regularly than he did at the time, so I realize he knows what he's doing is wrong.
I broke up with him the first time about a year ago. I asked him to come back about a week later because I felt guilty. He didn't do anything to try to make me feel guilty, I felt that way on my own. He was staying with family when we broke up last year, and I expect that is where he will go when he leaves this time. I have no idea when he is leaving. How all of this will occur is completely up in the air, but I expect it will be at least a month so he can pack his belongings and figure out what he's going to do. I'm not going to make him homeless. But that's how it feels.
I worry what this will make him resort to, if he will lash out or steal my valuables when I'm at work, but that seem ridiculous, as he could have done that this entire time but has never done anything like that. I know women are most vulnerable when breaking up with men. He has never been physically abusive towards me in the past. I'm not sure what to expect or how to facilitate this. I'm worried about legalities. We're not married, but what about common law? I have't told him this yet, but I will pay for a truck to take his belongings to wherever he is going to live.
I'm worried about many things. I'm worried what this will do to his mental health. Is this going to crush him? I feel like I'm trapped. I cry in the bathroom at work. It's a normal part of my trip to the bathroom, now. I dread going back home after work. But, if he is abusing me financially, he didn't set out to do so, it just slowly became the path of least resistance. I don't hate him. I don't love him anymore. I don't want this to be my life anymore. I want to get out of this situation but I'm afraid I will get on the other side of it and feel nothing but guilt.
We are not equals parting, he has *no* money. He had a job for a few months that he quit about six months ago. It was bartending twice a week. He quit because there were not enough patrons due to Covid. I was upset that he assumed I would take care of him. I don't think I even told him how much it upset me. The presumption that he can quit a job without having another one lined up made me lose the last shred of respect I had for him. (I have NEVER in my life had that luxury of quitting a job before having another one lined up, and if I did, I'd still never expect another person to simply take care of me like that, without so much as asking, or even pretending to be sorry).
I want to come out the other side of this ok. But is that even possible? I have lots of stress besides this situation (which is, honestly probably taking years off my life, but I also currently have the worst work related stress imaginable, plus a long term creative project that I'm trying to finish that is taking up 50% brain at *all times* and is starting to feel less creative and more exhausting and like a monster). So, I wonder if it's even wise to try to change my life this radically right now? I'm not afraid if being alone the rest of my life. Maybe I will be alone. But what I'm doing right now is lonelier than than being alone. I'm afraid I'm making a bigger mess of my life than I can clean up. Am I putting myself in harms way? Meaning the obvious, but also meaning: am I going to be crushed with guilt over this? (I know most people would not have let this continue in their lives for even one year. I'm not comfortable with being cruel, cold, heartless, I don't put myself first, I'm way too loyal, etc. I do stand up for myself, but I can't kick someone when they are down, or ever. I feel heartless even letting him know it's over.
Also, if I'm coming off as the bad guy, please tell me. I'm under so much stress that maybe I'm totally in the wrong here and not even recognizing it. If I'm in the wrong, please do let me know. My question is: how to do this, what are the practicalities of breaking up with someone I've lived with for 15 years. Also the legalities, if any (I live in Illinois). And what to do to protect myself and him in the interim? What am I not thinking of that I should be thinking of right now?
Sorry this is so disorganized and poorly written, I can't think at all.
(One thing, please don't suggest I go stay with a friend for a while. I do have friends and family, but not the kind you ever go stay with. I'm much more likely to not tell anyone about this until it is completely behind me).
I (early 50s F) am breaking up with my long term, 15 + years SO (early 60s M) for many reasons, the biggest being financial and the fact that I feel used. I'm not sure if what they're doing constitutes financial abuse. I'm not even sure I care whether or not it does. He has not worked consistently since we've lived together. Much of that was due to his being a victim of a violent crime, being hospitalized for months, and needing many surgeries to recover - within the year that we met. That's what started the unemployment. He has worked a little here, a little there since then.
I feel used. It is made worse by his behaving like this is all fine. I have never seen him spend an hour, let alone a day, looking for a job online, something he has seen me do many, many times. Other than during the financial crisis, when I was laid off of work, I have always had at least one job, sometimes as many as three jobs. Through time or habit he behaves or as though my things are our things, or that he has some ownership to my things, or the wordless presumption that my money is our money. But I heard him exaggerate to a family member making it sound like he worked way more regularly than he did at the time, so I realize he knows what he's doing is wrong.
I broke up with him the first time about a year ago. I asked him to come back about a week later because I felt guilty. He didn't do anything to try to make me feel guilty, I felt that way on my own. He was staying with family when we broke up last year, and I expect that is where he will go when he leaves this time. I have no idea when he is leaving. How all of this will occur is completely up in the air, but I expect it will be at least a month so he can pack his belongings and figure out what he's going to do. I'm not going to make him homeless. But that's how it feels.
I worry what this will make him resort to, if he will lash out or steal my valuables when I'm at work, but that seem ridiculous, as he could have done that this entire time but has never done anything like that. I know women are most vulnerable when breaking up with men. He has never been physically abusive towards me in the past. I'm not sure what to expect or how to facilitate this. I'm worried about legalities. We're not married, but what about common law? I have't told him this yet, but I will pay for a truck to take his belongings to wherever he is going to live.
I'm worried about many things. I'm worried what this will do to his mental health. Is this going to crush him? I feel like I'm trapped. I cry in the bathroom at work. It's a normal part of my trip to the bathroom, now. I dread going back home after work. But, if he is abusing me financially, he didn't set out to do so, it just slowly became the path of least resistance. I don't hate him. I don't love him anymore. I don't want this to be my life anymore. I want to get out of this situation but I'm afraid I will get on the other side of it and feel nothing but guilt.
We are not equals parting, he has *no* money. He had a job for a few months that he quit about six months ago. It was bartending twice a week. He quit because there were not enough patrons due to Covid. I was upset that he assumed I would take care of him. I don't think I even told him how much it upset me. The presumption that he can quit a job without having another one lined up made me lose the last shred of respect I had for him. (I have NEVER in my life had that luxury of quitting a job before having another one lined up, and if I did, I'd still never expect another person to simply take care of me like that, without so much as asking, or even pretending to be sorry).
I want to come out the other side of this ok. But is that even possible? I have lots of stress besides this situation (which is, honestly probably taking years off my life, but I also currently have the worst work related stress imaginable, plus a long term creative project that I'm trying to finish that is taking up 50% brain at *all times* and is starting to feel less creative and more exhausting and like a monster). So, I wonder if it's even wise to try to change my life this radically right now? I'm not afraid if being alone the rest of my life. Maybe I will be alone. But what I'm doing right now is lonelier than than being alone. I'm afraid I'm making a bigger mess of my life than I can clean up. Am I putting myself in harms way? Meaning the obvious, but also meaning: am I going to be crushed with guilt over this? (I know most people would not have let this continue in their lives for even one year. I'm not comfortable with being cruel, cold, heartless, I don't put myself first, I'm way too loyal, etc. I do stand up for myself, but I can't kick someone when they are down, or ever. I feel heartless even letting him know it's over.
Also, if I'm coming off as the bad guy, please tell me. I'm under so much stress that maybe I'm totally in the wrong here and not even recognizing it. If I'm in the wrong, please do let me know. My question is: how to do this, what are the practicalities of breaking up with someone I've lived with for 15 years. Also the legalities, if any (I live in Illinois). And what to do to protect myself and him in the interim? What am I not thinking of that I should be thinking of right now?
Sorry this is so disorganized and poorly written, I can't think at all.
(One thing, please don't suggest I go stay with a friend for a while. I do have friends and family, but not the kind you ever go stay with. I'm much more likely to not tell anyone about this until it is completely behind me).
I'm sorry this is happening to you. Crying in the bathroom regularly over this situation is so sad. Your relationship is unbalanced and is not bringing you joy, or much of anything, really. It makes sense you feel resentful: you're running on empty. This kind of thing has been brought up here before, but you're asking him to leave, right? I think you should just keep the conversation simple, like, I've not been happy for quite a long time, I owe it to myself to give myself a chance to be happy, this is a necessary change for me and is non-negotiable. You have until x date to find a place to go, and then list your other terms.
It's not selfish. You're a person, too. Your happiness ALSO matters. And you're the only one who can guarantee your own happiness.
If you're feeling anxious about him messing with your valuables, whether or not you have any real reason to suspect he would, it might help to stash some of those things with friends/off-site/in a lockbox well before you have this conversation.
You deserve happiness. You're not a bad person. I think you're brave.
Edit: is he on disability? It sounds like he should be. He can sort out resources for himself to get disability and other things... Lots of non-profits support people in this area, it's not your job to do so, just something he can be aware of and spearhead for himself.
posted by erattacorrige at 7:45 PM on February 7, 2022 [9 favorites]
It's not selfish. You're a person, too. Your happiness ALSO matters. And you're the only one who can guarantee your own happiness.
If you're feeling anxious about him messing with your valuables, whether or not you have any real reason to suspect he would, it might help to stash some of those things with friends/off-site/in a lockbox well before you have this conversation.
You deserve happiness. You're not a bad person. I think you're brave.
Edit: is he on disability? It sounds like he should be. He can sort out resources for himself to get disability and other things... Lots of non-profits support people in this area, it's not your job to do so, just something he can be aware of and spearhead for himself.
posted by erattacorrige at 7:45 PM on February 7, 2022 [9 favorites]
See a lawyer.
posted by saturdaymornings at 7:45 PM on February 7, 2022 [14 favorites]
posted by saturdaymornings at 7:45 PM on February 7, 2022 [14 favorites]
Go see a lawyer, right now. My ex-husband was similar, and I'm grateful he didn't ask for alimony. State laws vary, and your partner could conceivably ask for financial support and and that would be like him backing up and running over you again.
Find a good therapist; the therapist we saw together helped me see how the relationship was sapping every bit of energy and good feeling I had, how very toxic things were.
As jeszac says, yes, you're doing what you should do, you don't need permission. Be as civil and neutral as you can, but you are going to have to do a lot of recovering your self. You can't stay in a relationship only for his needs, and I suspect he has also under-contributed in every area. You deserve happiness, fun, equality, you deserved to be valued.
posted by theora55 at 7:49 PM on February 7, 2022 [19 favorites]
Find a good therapist; the therapist we saw together helped me see how the relationship was sapping every bit of energy and good feeling I had, how very toxic things were.
As jeszac says, yes, you're doing what you should do, you don't need permission. Be as civil and neutral as you can, but you are going to have to do a lot of recovering your self. You can't stay in a relationship only for his needs, and I suspect he has also under-contributed in every area. You deserve happiness, fun, equality, you deserved to be valued.
posted by theora55 at 7:49 PM on February 7, 2022 [19 favorites]
You will be okay, and you are not being or coming off as the bad guy. Sounds like you have already spent 14 years putting this person's needs before yours. Do what you need to do to protect yourself, whatever that may be. And please don't feel bad for doing it.
posted by lookoutbelow at 7:52 PM on February 7, 2022 [9 favorites]
posted by lookoutbelow at 7:52 PM on February 7, 2022 [9 favorites]
Yes, this is financial abuse. Maybe not all of it but so much of it is. Please take care of yourself. He will try to worm his way back into your life through manipulation so you keep supporting him financially. He will be fine: users like him always land on their feet, despite claims otherwise, because they are always looking for the next person to use -- and usually have them waiting. A month is generous but he will likely use the time to fuck with your mind so he can stay longer. I have been in this situation, albeit a much shorter period and at a younger age, and it took a unrelated tragedy to wake up to the shitty reality of my (ex)partner. I had broken up a few times before but kept taking him back -- but not this time! A friend called him out and held him accountable while my parents came and helped me change the locks. This is after he had ample time to take care of everything: he was given a car the very next day after our break up and had multiple invites to stay but tried to keep stuff at my house so he could have a foot in the door.
I know you don't have close friends you can stay with but I almost guarantee you those distant friends have been watching from afar and worried for you. If you ask for emotional support or physical support, I am sure some will step up to help. Please don't be mad at yourself: in vulnerable times, we will put up with a ton of shit because we think we don't deserve any better. Of course we do and will find better -- as in independence and happiness! There's a lot of great in your future: there will be shit sorting through this but we are here for you and know you can do it!
posted by smorgasbord at 7:59 PM on February 7, 2022 [2 favorites]
I know you don't have close friends you can stay with but I almost guarantee you those distant friends have been watching from afar and worried for you. If you ask for emotional support or physical support, I am sure some will step up to help. Please don't be mad at yourself: in vulnerable times, we will put up with a ton of shit because we think we don't deserve any better. Of course we do and will find better -- as in independence and happiness! There's a lot of great in your future: there will be shit sorting through this but we are here for you and know you can do it!
posted by smorgasbord at 7:59 PM on February 7, 2022 [2 favorites]
You're definitely not the bad guy for wanting to leave and, equally important, you're not the bad guy for staying so long. You will no doubt feel some guilt for a while but, with the clarity of not being in this situation and the stress it causes, you'll come to see this was the only thing you could do. Hang in there and know that there are a bunch of strangers here 100% on your side. Take care of yourself.
(sorry, I know nothing of the legalities where you are)
posted by dg at 8:19 PM on February 7, 2022 [2 favorites]
(sorry, I know nothing of the legalities where you are)
posted by dg at 8:19 PM on February 7, 2022 [2 favorites]
I am early in the process of leaving my partner of almost 30 years. The first 20+ years were so good I could hardly imagine anything could break us up, but we experienced some life challenges in the past 5 or 6 years, most especially my becoming disabled, and him simply being unable to step up and deal with things. Things like feeding the children, and scooping cat litter, and paying enough attention to our joint finances to not overspend routinely.
It took me a long time to make up my mind to go. I hung on to the hope that I could reach him somehow.
Talking to a lawyer is a good idea, but a friend also encouraged me to reach out to our local domestic violence agency, even though there has been no violence in our relationship. It turns out they had no trouble seeing me as a victim of neglect, and the amount of assistance I have gotten absolutely floors me. As their client, I'm eligible for free consultations with a legal aid lawyer they work with; I'm eligible to get sort of fast-tracked into housing assistance; and I have someone in my assigned advocate who knows everything about what resources are available, such as a legal aid website where I have been able to generate divorce paperwork by working through a questionnaire. This is important for me because I'm not able to work due to my chronic illness/disability. It might be worth it for you to reach out to your local agency as well, given your history of him taking advantage of you financially. I'm also in my 50s, and the agency here has an Elder Abuse advocate who works specifically with 50+ people, and that explicitly encompasses financial abuse and medical neglect as well as the kind of things we more typically think of when we think of abuse.
My partner is currently so dysfunctional that I'm very worried about leaving him to his own devices. But staying with him is actively making my life worse, and our minor children's well. I can't save him, I can't help him. But I can get us out of here and begin healing.
I have found that old friends I reached out to have been incredibly willing to step up and help me. One friend I hadn't seen in years has been driving me to my appointments with my advocate; another long-time friendly acquaintance has taken it upon herself to organize a small get-together with friends so I can have a chance to relax and enjoy myself; and other friends have been willing to listen to me speak at length about my situation, including details I'd kept to myself for a long time out of a sense of shame (among other things), and have helped me with decision-making. A friend whose late mother collected dishes has offered me a complete set of beautiful vintage dishes that is now in her possession, for my new place.
It has made such a difference to me that, when I have reached out to people, they've responded so well (even though a couple of people have been like, "I love you and I'm on your side but with everything going on in my own life right now, I can't be a primary helper for you.").
If you'd like to talk to someone who is in a similar position, leaving a long-term relationship and looking back at patterns I probably should have recognized sooner, especially looking back at the way I failed to stand up for myself, feel free to MeMail me. I'd be happy to get on the phone with you, even. It's a tough place we're in, you and me. I'm still on an emotional rollercoaster, sad, angry, excited, scared, and the whole gamut. We can be in it together, if you like.
posted by Well I never at 8:40 PM on February 7, 2022 [67 favorites]
It took me a long time to make up my mind to go. I hung on to the hope that I could reach him somehow.
Talking to a lawyer is a good idea, but a friend also encouraged me to reach out to our local domestic violence agency, even though there has been no violence in our relationship. It turns out they had no trouble seeing me as a victim of neglect, and the amount of assistance I have gotten absolutely floors me. As their client, I'm eligible for free consultations with a legal aid lawyer they work with; I'm eligible to get sort of fast-tracked into housing assistance; and I have someone in my assigned advocate who knows everything about what resources are available, such as a legal aid website where I have been able to generate divorce paperwork by working through a questionnaire. This is important for me because I'm not able to work due to my chronic illness/disability. It might be worth it for you to reach out to your local agency as well, given your history of him taking advantage of you financially. I'm also in my 50s, and the agency here has an Elder Abuse advocate who works specifically with 50+ people, and that explicitly encompasses financial abuse and medical neglect as well as the kind of things we more typically think of when we think of abuse.
My partner is currently so dysfunctional that I'm very worried about leaving him to his own devices. But staying with him is actively making my life worse, and our minor children's well. I can't save him, I can't help him. But I can get us out of here and begin healing.
I have found that old friends I reached out to have been incredibly willing to step up and help me. One friend I hadn't seen in years has been driving me to my appointments with my advocate; another long-time friendly acquaintance has taken it upon herself to organize a small get-together with friends so I can have a chance to relax and enjoy myself; and other friends have been willing to listen to me speak at length about my situation, including details I'd kept to myself for a long time out of a sense of shame (among other things), and have helped me with decision-making. A friend whose late mother collected dishes has offered me a complete set of beautiful vintage dishes that is now in her possession, for my new place.
It has made such a difference to me that, when I have reached out to people, they've responded so well (even though a couple of people have been like, "I love you and I'm on your side but with everything going on in my own life right now, I can't be a primary helper for you.").
If you'd like to talk to someone who is in a similar position, leaving a long-term relationship and looking back at patterns I probably should have recognized sooner, especially looking back at the way I failed to stand up for myself, feel free to MeMail me. I'd be happy to get on the phone with you, even. It's a tough place we're in, you and me. I'm still on an emotional rollercoaster, sad, angry, excited, scared, and the whole gamut. We can be in it together, if you like.
posted by Well I never at 8:40 PM on February 7, 2022 [67 favorites]
You're definitely not the bad guy.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 8:42 PM on February 7, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by nouvelle-personne at 8:42 PM on February 7, 2022 [1 favorite]
I'm so sorry you are going through this. It all sounds terribly stressful. You are not the bad guy. You supported him for so many years and gave him all this time to pick up his end but he never did. I suggest you think through and prepare for the possibility of him turning very nasty after the breakup really sinks in for him, even if you could not imagine him doing so at all. Buying a can of pepper spray, putting away valuables, changing any important passwords he knows, preparing to change the door locks, having a friend be on the lookout for you, buying a security camera... I hope he handles it like a mature adult and you are able to move on with your life.
I broke up with someone with whom I was in a short term relationship. I gave him money for 1-2 months rent because I didn't want him to be homeless... At first he seemed to accept the breakup calmly, but then later on he harassed me for over a month. I had no idea he had that in him. It still spooks me when I catch glimpses people who look like him.
posted by bread-eater at 8:45 PM on February 7, 2022 [4 favorites]
I broke up with someone with whom I was in a short term relationship. I gave him money for 1-2 months rent because I didn't want him to be homeless... At first he seemed to accept the breakup calmly, but then later on he harassed me for over a month. I had no idea he had that in him. It still spooks me when I catch glimpses people who look like him.
posted by bread-eater at 8:45 PM on February 7, 2022 [4 favorites]
You are absolutely not the bad guy here. It’s so easy to feel responsible for someone when you have been in that role within the relationship, but it is important to remember that he is his own person who is responsible for himself.
I thought I would feel much more guilty than I did when I left my partner who was very similar to yours. But when it was all said and done, what I felt was free and like I had finally put down a heavy burden. I had not even realized how heavy it was.
Choose yourself, you will not regret it.
posted by cult_mother at 8:50 PM on February 7, 2022 [12 favorites]
I thought I would feel much more guilty than I did when I left my partner who was very similar to yours. But when it was all said and done, what I felt was free and like I had finally put down a heavy burden. I had not even realized how heavy it was.
Choose yourself, you will not regret it.
posted by cult_mother at 8:50 PM on February 7, 2022 [12 favorites]
Others have posted very good ideas and especially helpful emotional things, so I'm going to try a few things I don't think I saw off the cuff.
1. You don't owe him any financial support - you've already provided a ton of it, without his help. Time to financially make yourself safe.
2. Open a bank account in your name only. Move as much money as you can into it from the old account Leave enough to cover any automatic payments plus a little more, you don't want to have it overdrawn. This is to make as much money as possible unavailable to him.
3. Change the automatic payments when you can, and wait for all checks to clear, then close the old account. This can happen before or after he moves out, but definitely don't leave it open. If he has even one old statement, he might be able to do things you don't want.
4. Set a date and time for him to move out, and take those days off work to be there while he does. Have a friend with you if you feel the need.
5. Set a date with a locksmith to come by and change the locks at the end of that day. Also make sure all windows lock properly.
6. Be prepared for the 7 stages of grief - this was a long relationship, even if it wasn't a marriage.
7. Prepare yourself for him asking to come back and be resolved to say no.
8. If you need another person to make ends meet where you're living, either begin a roommate search prior to move out day or begin preparing to downsize / move to another place. Some would suggest a different place just for the "new beginning" aspect, but I'd only suggest that if A) it's impossible for you to manage the current place financially or B) you feel unsafe in the current place.
posted by TimHare at 9:41 PM on February 7, 2022 [16 favorites]
1. You don't owe him any financial support - you've already provided a ton of it, without his help. Time to financially make yourself safe.
2. Open a bank account in your name only. Move as much money as you can into it from the old account Leave enough to cover any automatic payments plus a little more, you don't want to have it overdrawn. This is to make as much money as possible unavailable to him.
3. Change the automatic payments when you can, and wait for all checks to clear, then close the old account. This can happen before or after he moves out, but definitely don't leave it open. If he has even one old statement, he might be able to do things you don't want.
4. Set a date and time for him to move out, and take those days off work to be there while he does. Have a friend with you if you feel the need.
5. Set a date with a locksmith to come by and change the locks at the end of that day. Also make sure all windows lock properly.
6. Be prepared for the 7 stages of grief - this was a long relationship, even if it wasn't a marriage.
7. Prepare yourself for him asking to come back and be resolved to say no.
8. If you need another person to make ends meet where you're living, either begin a roommate search prior to move out day or begin preparing to downsize / move to another place. Some would suggest a different place just for the "new beginning" aspect, but I'd only suggest that if A) it's impossible for you to manage the current place financially or B) you feel unsafe in the current place.
posted by TimHare at 9:41 PM on February 7, 2022 [16 favorites]
It might be worth considering giving him a sort of "severance" amount of money to get him out of the house and into a new place so he has a little bit of time to re-situate himself and get his shit together, and buy a period of goodwill while you batten down the financial and domestic hatches to lock those doors permanently (closing out accounts, changing passwords, etc).
You certainly don't owe it to him. But if it's something that would give you peace of mind, and you think it might help, any amount might feel like a small price to pay to end things as un-dramatically as possible.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 9:48 PM on February 7, 2022 [4 favorites]
You certainly don't owe it to him. But if it's something that would give you peace of mind, and you think it might help, any amount might feel like a small price to pay to end things as un-dramatically as possible.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 9:48 PM on February 7, 2022 [4 favorites]
The book: 'Too good to leave, too bad to stay', presents a whole range of scenarios. If a reader responds with a 'yes' in answer to only one scenario then it is time to leave. If you read the book and answered the scenario yes/no questions, I think you would answer YES! to at least six of them just from what you have written here. It is definitely time to call it quits.
You are not the bad guy.
Is it financial abuse or are you just being used? If all you have written is concise and accurate, I'd argue it is the latter; he has used you financially for 15 years. Abuse would be controlling accounts, etc. If he is doing stuff you haven't mentioned that does veer into abuse, get a lawyer, stat.
When I left my non-working husband, I gave him $1500 to help him get sorted and give him a buffer before he was forced to find work for himself.
I'm worried what this will do to his mental health. Is this going to crush him? I feel like I'm trapped.
Not your circus, not your monkeys. You are not responsible for his mental health. You can't crush him, only he can let himself be crushed by his own inertia and laziness. You feel trapped because you feel responsible for him. Say out loud: I am not responsible for [partner]. It is his job to be responsible for himself.
It may not feel like it, but you are actually doing him a favour by asking him to leave. You are helping him find some self-respect before he gets too old.
posted by Thella at 10:35 PM on February 7, 2022 [3 favorites]
You are not the bad guy.
Is it financial abuse or are you just being used? If all you have written is concise and accurate, I'd argue it is the latter; he has used you financially for 15 years. Abuse would be controlling accounts, etc. If he is doing stuff you haven't mentioned that does veer into abuse, get a lawyer, stat.
When I left my non-working husband, I gave him $1500 to help him get sorted and give him a buffer before he was forced to find work for himself.
I'm worried what this will do to his mental health. Is this going to crush him? I feel like I'm trapped.
Not your circus, not your monkeys. You are not responsible for his mental health. You can't crush him, only he can let himself be crushed by his own inertia and laziness. You feel trapped because you feel responsible for him. Say out loud: I am not responsible for [partner]. It is his job to be responsible for himself.
It may not feel like it, but you are actually doing him a favour by asking him to leave. You are helping him find some self-respect before he gets too old.
posted by Thella at 10:35 PM on February 7, 2022 [3 favorites]
Others have and will cover your questions much better than I can, but I wanted briefly to respond to one part:
> I'm worried about legalities. We're not married, but what about common law?
+1 on the recommendation to consult with a lawyer.
In the meantime, perhaps it will help to put your thoughts at ease, at least a little: As far as I can tell, Illinois is NOT a jurisdiction that allows common law marriage (CLM), though it can recognize one that was previously established elsewhere. In order to make legal claims against you, a partner would need some legal basis other than CLM (tenancy? contracts? etc). Even in states that allow CLM, there usually are requirements to prove a valid one (for instance, presenting yourselves as a married couple)--the specifics will vary but the general idea is that public folklore underestimates how easy it is to establish a CLM.
Of course, please verify with a lawyer who practices in your area and can speak to your specific situation. IANYL, etc.
Sidenote: From a practical point of view, it's also questionable how likely it is that he could retaliate through legalities (can he get the funds or get his life together enough to bring a legal fight??). (I know this is easy to say--I'd probably be worried, too, but just offering an outside perspective.)
I can relate to your wish to be kind and fair while also protecting against possible danger. My biggest concern would be about your immediate safety and well-being. Be kind and fair to yourself.
posted by Sockin'inthefreeworld at 10:47 PM on February 7, 2022 [3 favorites]
> I'm worried about legalities. We're not married, but what about common law?
+1 on the recommendation to consult with a lawyer.
In the meantime, perhaps it will help to put your thoughts at ease, at least a little: As far as I can tell, Illinois is NOT a jurisdiction that allows common law marriage (CLM), though it can recognize one that was previously established elsewhere. In order to make legal claims against you, a partner would need some legal basis other than CLM (tenancy? contracts? etc). Even in states that allow CLM, there usually are requirements to prove a valid one (for instance, presenting yourselves as a married couple)--the specifics will vary but the general idea is that public folklore underestimates how easy it is to establish a CLM.
Of course, please verify with a lawyer who practices in your area and can speak to your specific situation. IANYL, etc.
Sidenote: From a practical point of view, it's also questionable how likely it is that he could retaliate through legalities (can he get the funds or get his life together enough to bring a legal fight??). (I know this is easy to say--I'd probably be worried, too, but just offering an outside perspective.)
I can relate to your wish to be kind and fair while also protecting against possible danger. My biggest concern would be about your immediate safety and well-being. Be kind and fair to yourself.
posted by Sockin'inthefreeworld at 10:47 PM on February 7, 2022 [3 favorites]
Lots great advice upthread about taking care of yourself. I agree that you deserve more than this guy can give you. One piece of advice: get him to move out as soon as humanly possible. If he can go to his family's house immediately, he should do that. You can sort out the stuff later. Living together for one month while trying to not live together will be absolute torture. If he can't stay with family, maybe prep some other options before you open the conversation. I know giving him a long lead time feels like a kindness, but I promise that the kindest thing you can do for both of you is arrange a quick and clean break.
posted by equipoise at 11:20 PM on February 7, 2022 [9 favorites]
posted by equipoise at 11:20 PM on February 7, 2022 [9 favorites]
I read somewhere - here, probably:
“Don’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.”
I think that applies here and may make a nice mantra as you work through the next steps of disentangling yourself from this unrewarding relationship.
posted by hilaryjade at 5:10 AM on February 8, 2022 [10 favorites]
“Don’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.”
I think that applies here and may make a nice mantra as you work through the next steps of disentangling yourself from this unrewarding relationship.
posted by hilaryjade at 5:10 AM on February 8, 2022 [10 favorites]
I can relate to the guilt you're feeling. I felt the same way when I left my ex, who I was with for a decade. He was financially dependent on me and mentally not in a great place. I was so terrified he wouldn't be able to make it without me, I felt so responsible for his happiness. But it turns out, becoming single was the push he needed to take ownership of his life and find a better-paying job and a decent place to live. Like your partner, he also had family he could rely on in the interim.
He is happier now, or seemed to be the last time we checked in, which was over a year ago because I don't really think about him that much anymore. It took a couple of years to process and heal fully after the break-up. By now, I am so much happier. I can honestly say leaving him was one of the hardest, most painful yet best and most wonderful decisions I have ever made for myself. I was single for years, which was wonderful, I loved it, and I am now in an amazing relationship with someone else. If I can help you in any way I would say: please, give yourself permission to be free and grow and reconnect with you again! Hugs.
posted by guessthis at 5:18 AM on February 8, 2022 [11 favorites]
He is happier now, or seemed to be the last time we checked in, which was over a year ago because I don't really think about him that much anymore. It took a couple of years to process and heal fully after the break-up. By now, I am so much happier. I can honestly say leaving him was one of the hardest, most painful yet best and most wonderful decisions I have ever made for myself. I was single for years, which was wonderful, I loved it, and I am now in an amazing relationship with someone else. If I can help you in any way I would say: please, give yourself permission to be free and grow and reconnect with you again! Hugs.
posted by guessthis at 5:18 AM on February 8, 2022 [11 favorites]
Probably the best thing you can do is schedule some therapy to talk about why you felt so guilty last time and asked him to come back, and how you can avoid that this time.
You know you're going to be sad and vulnerable, what can you do to avoid acting against your interests (relapse)?
I order to avoid relapse you have to be clear on what you're doing and why.
I can tell you when I've been twisting myself in knots about how the other party would possibly survive without me I was surprised to see they were quite adaptable when I wasn't there feeling responsible for their every need. They had their own survival instinct and using my resources and good will was part of it. He will be fine.
posted by jello at 7:33 AM on February 8, 2022 [4 favorites]
You know you're going to be sad and vulnerable, what can you do to avoid acting against your interests (relapse)?
I order to avoid relapse you have to be clear on what you're doing and why.
I can tell you when I've been twisting myself in knots about how the other party would possibly survive without me I was surprised to see they were quite adaptable when I wasn't there feeling responsible for their every need. They had their own survival instinct and using my resources and good will was part of it. He will be fine.
posted by jello at 7:33 AM on February 8, 2022 [4 favorites]
Logisitically
1. Remove your valuables, spare keys to car and house, financial documents and credit card
1a. Remove his name from shared financial accts or close or empty those accounts. Example, cell phone. You can port his number to a prepaid account and pay it for one month
2. Tell him to be out by end of month. Tell him over the phone. Stay in a hotel for a night or two if you're scared. You really don't owe him a face to face convo.
3. Make your financial offer (Hire the moving truck, Give him a months worth of money if he complains)
4. After he goes you change the locks
5. You block his number. He can send you letters after he moves out.
6. Loose ends: Mail. Have him change his address. Don't let him use your address
7. You leave the apartment after you change the locks. Go away for a week or so. Get into a new frame of mind and new environment so you don't relapse.
8. Tell your friends. You need support not to relapse. Make a lunch or dinner date every day of the week. Rotate your friends. Keep busy busy busy
9. Enjoy your life.
posted by jello at 8:10 AM on February 8, 2022 [6 favorites]
1. Remove your valuables, spare keys to car and house, financial documents and credit card
1a. Remove his name from shared financial accts or close or empty those accounts. Example, cell phone. You can port his number to a prepaid account and pay it for one month
2. Tell him to be out by end of month. Tell him over the phone. Stay in a hotel for a night or two if you're scared. You really don't owe him a face to face convo.
3. Make your financial offer (Hire the moving truck, Give him a months worth of money if he complains)
4. After he goes you change the locks
5. You block his number. He can send you letters after he moves out.
6. Loose ends: Mail. Have him change his address. Don't let him use your address
7. You leave the apartment after you change the locks. Go away for a week or so. Get into a new frame of mind and new environment so you don't relapse.
8. Tell your friends. You need support not to relapse. Make a lunch or dinner date every day of the week. Rotate your friends. Keep busy busy busy
9. Enjoy your life.
posted by jello at 8:10 AM on February 8, 2022 [6 favorites]
Open a bank account in your name only. Move as much money as you can into it from the old account
Don't take a bunch of money out of a joint account without talking to a lawyer. Your partner may be entitled to some of it. An hour with a lawyer will cost maybe $200 or $300, you'll just get information and advice, and you can do whatever you want with it—it doesn't have to mean you're taking anyone to court or getting aggressive about anything. Do it right, stay out of trouble, and make sure you're planning for the future with the right assumptions.
And then, yeah, bank account in your name, and make sure what's yours is yours.
(Frame of reference: I'm in the middle of a very chill uncontested divorce, nobody is going after anyone or taking anyone to court, and I'm still very glad I talked to a lawyer just to know what the rules were and how to keep from screwing things up. I wish I'd done it sooner, not because it would have given me some advantage, but just so I would have spent less time confused.)
posted by nebulawindphone at 10:30 AM on February 8, 2022 [3 favorites]
Don't take a bunch of money out of a joint account without talking to a lawyer. Your partner may be entitled to some of it. An hour with a lawyer will cost maybe $200 or $300, you'll just get information and advice, and you can do whatever you want with it—it doesn't have to mean you're taking anyone to court or getting aggressive about anything. Do it right, stay out of trouble, and make sure you're planning for the future with the right assumptions.
And then, yeah, bank account in your name, and make sure what's yours is yours.
(Frame of reference: I'm in the middle of a very chill uncontested divorce, nobody is going after anyone or taking anyone to court, and I'm still very glad I talked to a lawyer just to know what the rules were and how to keep from screwing things up. I wish I'd done it sooner, not because it would have given me some advantage, but just so I would have spent less time confused.)
posted by nebulawindphone at 10:30 AM on February 8, 2022 [3 favorites]
Sorry you're going through this. It also sucks to have to go through it twice, but the good thing is that you already know what happened last year- he had a place to go and it sounds like he didn't steal anything or beg to get back together. So it's likely that it will happen that way again. It's a good idea to check on his rights as a tenant with a local tenant's rights org or a lawyer (and think about what you might have to do if you need to get out of your lease yourself, etc), but it also seems like he will probably leave voluntarily. Any breakup is awful, but I don't think there's a reason to think this will be worse.
posted by pinochiette at 10:40 AM on February 8, 2022
posted by pinochiette at 10:40 AM on February 8, 2022
You don't owe him any financial support
It seems to me that this point is not yet determined! I am seconding the person who said to talk to a lawyer to find out your risks before making any unilateral decisions that you "don't owe" him any spousal support, including moving money around between bank accounts.
posted by cranberrymonger at 11:02 AM on February 8, 2022
It seems to me that this point is not yet determined! I am seconding the person who said to talk to a lawyer to find out your risks before making any unilateral decisions that you "don't owe" him any spousal support, including moving money around between bank accounts.
posted by cranberrymonger at 11:02 AM on February 8, 2022
> public folklore underestimates how easy it is to establish a Common Law Marriage.
Gah, sorry, just popping back to correct my earlier comment:
My point was the opposite, that it is HARDER to establish a CLM than people think.
posted by Sockin'inthefreeworld at 11:19 AM on February 8, 2022
Gah, sorry, just popping back to correct my earlier comment:
My point was the opposite, that it is HARDER to establish a CLM than people think.
posted by Sockin'inthefreeworld at 11:19 AM on February 8, 2022
(Yeah, to clarify, I'm not saying "your partner may have rights to the joint account because you might somehow be magically secretly common-law married," I'm saying "your partner may have rights because it's a joint account you've held for a long time, and it's worth double-checking for peace of mind.")
posted by nebulawindphone at 2:51 PM on February 8, 2022
posted by nebulawindphone at 2:51 PM on February 8, 2022
Response by poster: Thank you, thus far! This is helping immensely! Personal experiences in particular help ease my anxiety.
Also, to clarify, we do not have have any shared financial accounts.
posted by Anonymous at 3:33 PM on February 8, 2022 [2 favorites]
Also, to clarify, we do not have have any shared financial accounts.
posted by Anonymous at 3:33 PM on February 8, 2022 [2 favorites]
Before offering any money or financial support to him, talk to a lawyer. I have no idea but this seems like the sort of thing that could go wrong legally. Maybe not. But the point is that a lawyer would know.
posted by mcduff at 3:52 PM on February 8, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by mcduff at 3:52 PM on February 8, 2022 [1 favorite]
A very good resource in Illlinois: thelilactree.org
They specialize in supporting women through separation and divorce, have lawyer referrals, and will talk to you about what to do at each step and what the laws in Illinois are. There will be multiple steps and it sounds like you are ready to start the process. Getting organized will help to focus you, too. We, strangers on the internet, are rooting for you.
posted by mutt.cyberspace at 4:14 PM on February 8, 2022 [1 favorite]
They specialize in supporting women through separation and divorce, have lawyer referrals, and will talk to you about what to do at each step and what the laws in Illinois are. There will be multiple steps and it sounds like you are ready to start the process. Getting organized will help to focus you, too. We, strangers on the internet, are rooting for you.
posted by mutt.cyberspace at 4:14 PM on February 8, 2022 [1 favorite]
I am sorry that I am lacking in solid information or helpful ideas. I really wanted to just reassure you that you have been through hell; you have gone on so long because when you're working three jobs trying to survive, you just get through each day at a time. Then, before you know it, years have passed and things just never got better.
I only want to say: it's so so hard right now, but believe me, once it's done, once you are finally able to breathe freely. once the separation is final... you WILL feel so much relief!. It doesn't seem possible now, but there will be a day when you will sort of "wake up", as if you had been lost in a fog, and realize how much better life is, and how much calmer you will be.
Please be good to yourself. You deserve this peace.
posted by annieb at 5:05 PM on February 8, 2022 [1 favorite]
I only want to say: it's so so hard right now, but believe me, once it's done, once you are finally able to breathe freely. once the separation is final... you WILL feel so much relief!. It doesn't seem possible now, but there will be a day when you will sort of "wake up", as if you had been lost in a fog, and realize how much better life is, and how much calmer you will be.
Please be good to yourself. You deserve this peace.
posted by annieb at 5:05 PM on February 8, 2022 [1 favorite]
You'll be okay! I recently broke up with my long-term partner for issues that seem less substantial than yours and I have not regretted it for a moment. In my experience, the agonizing part was making the decision and psyching myself up to go through with it and the aftermath has gone much better than expected. Happy to lend an ear via dm if you want. You are not alone.
posted by ferret branca at 6:17 PM on February 8, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by ferret branca at 6:17 PM on February 8, 2022 [2 favorites]
Buckle up, because this will be long, and I hope it helps at least a little. I have so much compassion for you right now, because it really sounds exhausting and painful and like you're at the end of your rope. Needing to separate yourself from a responsibility you never formally agreed to take on, one that crept up on you, does NOT make you a bad person. Say that to yourself over and over and over again.
What I'm hearing from you is a struggle to make a narrative that makes sense to your brain, which from what I can interpret from your writing, is that your brain feels like there needs to be a "Bad guy", either you or him. This is 5000% not necessary. It's ok to not be in a place where you can be the sole support for someone. Ideally we would have social safety nets for folks who for whatever reason are struggling to work. Since that isn't the case, it puts undue pressure on people closest to those folks, and that pressure can be too much. That's ok. It's clear that if you stay in this relationship you will continue to deteriorate and that's not cool. He has family he can stay with, which count as other resources.
You are going to feel guilty, and I strongly recommend if you can afford it, go to therapy. But please don't try to absolve your guilt by making a narrative where he's financially abusive, because it doesn't sound like that's the case and I seriously doubt it'll make you feel better in the long run. I don't know the whole story, and of course it's possible there are other behaviours that are abusive. From my perspective it sounds like you slid into a partnership kind of relationship that ended up with you doing caretaking that you don't want to do, and aren't mentally equipped for, and that's OK. Unspoken assumptions in a relationship aren't abusive per se (and this is why I hate terminology-creep, recently seen on the blue). However, it's obvious that this is doing real damage to you--that can happen without abuse. It's ok to end a relationship situation that is damaging you without villains anywhere in the story.
I have a couple of very dear friends who were married for decades. One partner got diagnosed with a difficult medical condition and as a result didn't work for decades. 2nd partner eventually left. The other partner had a bad time for a few years without work history or resources, but crashed on a friend's couch, found a job, and now has an apartment and a car and a good life and is much happier in a lot of respects now. It's possible that will happen here--that maybe this is the kick in the pants he needs to change his life. It's also possible that this will start a long, downward spiral. Either way it doesn't matter, because you are drowning. You've shouldered a burden for a long time, and it needs to be shifted to someone else.
One of the things that makes me hesitant to label this guy a villain and a loser is that he may very well still be suffering from the aftermath of the assault (yes, even 15 years later). BUT, it's ok to say you're not equipped to handle a partnership here, and that your needs are going unmet and you're being slowly crushed.
If you can afford it, work out some system of de-escalating financial assistance, with a clear cut-off date. After 15 years of supporting someone, it would be cruel to cut them off entirely, especially at this age (this is what alimony is about). It doesn't matter if you didn't deliberately sign up for it, if that's what ended up happening and you've allowed it to happen (don't blame yourself, just count this as a necessary step to fix something that went awry). In my friend's case the rent was paid through a certain date, he got the car, and I'm sure there were a few loans while he was job-hunting. I would also recommend as little contact as possible after he moves out, because that will help make it feel "real" faster, and you'll both recover your equilibrium faster. If you can't afford any period of financial help afterwards, that sucks, but it is what it is. But if you can afford it, I would suggest that you're morally obligated to a short time of some support, even if not legally. People aren't light switches, to be turned on or off.
I'm so sorry you're going through such a rough time. It will get better, and you don't have to do this for the rest of your life. Capitalism wrecks us all.
I would suggest to your significant other that he seek therapy, and possibly disability. Any way you slice it, this relationship is over. Cut it off, and don't waffle because you feel guilty (that's not good for either of you). Go no-contact for a while after he's out, aside from whatever financial assistance period you've agreed to, and give yourself permission to feel all the feelings, including guilt, because we feel things all the time that don't make sense. It's not your fault he was assaulted and it's not your fault he's not working. Just try to be kind, try to avoid catastrophizing.
Nothing in this has made me think either of you is a bad person--it sounds like you're struggling really deeply to internalize that. Virtual hugs offered from a person who has felt like they're on both sides of the equation at different times.
posted by liminal_shadows at 7:25 AM on February 12, 2022
What I'm hearing from you is a struggle to make a narrative that makes sense to your brain, which from what I can interpret from your writing, is that your brain feels like there needs to be a "Bad guy", either you or him. This is 5000% not necessary. It's ok to not be in a place where you can be the sole support for someone. Ideally we would have social safety nets for folks who for whatever reason are struggling to work. Since that isn't the case, it puts undue pressure on people closest to those folks, and that pressure can be too much. That's ok. It's clear that if you stay in this relationship you will continue to deteriorate and that's not cool. He has family he can stay with, which count as other resources.
You are going to feel guilty, and I strongly recommend if you can afford it, go to therapy. But please don't try to absolve your guilt by making a narrative where he's financially abusive, because it doesn't sound like that's the case and I seriously doubt it'll make you feel better in the long run. I don't know the whole story, and of course it's possible there are other behaviours that are abusive. From my perspective it sounds like you slid into a partnership kind of relationship that ended up with you doing caretaking that you don't want to do, and aren't mentally equipped for, and that's OK. Unspoken assumptions in a relationship aren't abusive per se (and this is why I hate terminology-creep, recently seen on the blue). However, it's obvious that this is doing real damage to you--that can happen without abuse. It's ok to end a relationship situation that is damaging you without villains anywhere in the story.
I have a couple of very dear friends who were married for decades. One partner got diagnosed with a difficult medical condition and as a result didn't work for decades. 2nd partner eventually left. The other partner had a bad time for a few years without work history or resources, but crashed on a friend's couch, found a job, and now has an apartment and a car and a good life and is much happier in a lot of respects now. It's possible that will happen here--that maybe this is the kick in the pants he needs to change his life. It's also possible that this will start a long, downward spiral. Either way it doesn't matter, because you are drowning. You've shouldered a burden for a long time, and it needs to be shifted to someone else.
One of the things that makes me hesitant to label this guy a villain and a loser is that he may very well still be suffering from the aftermath of the assault (yes, even 15 years later). BUT, it's ok to say you're not equipped to handle a partnership here, and that your needs are going unmet and you're being slowly crushed.
If you can afford it, work out some system of de-escalating financial assistance, with a clear cut-off date. After 15 years of supporting someone, it would be cruel to cut them off entirely, especially at this age (this is what alimony is about). It doesn't matter if you didn't deliberately sign up for it, if that's what ended up happening and you've allowed it to happen (don't blame yourself, just count this as a necessary step to fix something that went awry). In my friend's case the rent was paid through a certain date, he got the car, and I'm sure there were a few loans while he was job-hunting. I would also recommend as little contact as possible after he moves out, because that will help make it feel "real" faster, and you'll both recover your equilibrium faster. If you can't afford any period of financial help afterwards, that sucks, but it is what it is. But if you can afford it, I would suggest that you're morally obligated to a short time of some support, even if not legally. People aren't light switches, to be turned on or off.
I'm so sorry you're going through such a rough time. It will get better, and you don't have to do this for the rest of your life. Capitalism wrecks us all.
I would suggest to your significant other that he seek therapy, and possibly disability. Any way you slice it, this relationship is over. Cut it off, and don't waffle because you feel guilty (that's not good for either of you). Go no-contact for a while after he's out, aside from whatever financial assistance period you've agreed to, and give yourself permission to feel all the feelings, including guilt, because we feel things all the time that don't make sense. It's not your fault he was assaulted and it's not your fault he's not working. Just try to be kind, try to avoid catastrophizing.
Nothing in this has made me think either of you is a bad person--it sounds like you're struggling really deeply to internalize that. Virtual hugs offered from a person who has felt like they're on both sides of the equation at different times.
posted by liminal_shadows at 7:25 AM on February 12, 2022
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by jeszac at 7:43 PM on February 7, 2022 [55 favorites]