For my own sanity/happiness I have to end a LTR, like TODAY - I could use some advice.
For some back story, I posted anonymously a few weeks ago
Today, I forgot to do a really simple thing again. Specifically, I forgot to send a text message to my SO after finishing my routine outdoor exercise on my lunch break, saying 'I'm OK'. Why? Because I (nearly) lost my cell phone last month during said exercise (it fell out of my pocket). After that it made her worried about my well-being or whereabouts in general during my workout (Luckily my cell phone was returned by an upstanding citizen). Because I had other things on my mind, I forgot to send this text, and so she got really upset!
So, I just got off the phone with her, after a ~2 hour phone/text 'discussion' about how inconsistent I am and how much it hurts her. How she can't seem to go one single day without me removing the smile from her face. That I must not want her to be happy for too long, and why do I always do something to ruin it..? These small things I keep ruining, thus ruining our bond - what little bond we have anymore - that we have with one another.
I know I've hurt her, I feel extremely terrible about it and the overly guilty feeling is oppressive. I take responsibility for not living up to some of her ideals, and have tried by best to overcome my problems and be more consistent. But today it just feels like it will not get better, ever. No matter how hard I try, some seemingly insignificant thing will set her off and she'll immediately blame me for doing it on purpose to make her unhappy and push her away, break up, kill herself, etc. I, of course, would never do something seemingly insignificant on purpose to inflict any pain on anyone. I sometimes forget things, like I'm sure a lot of people do. I told her this, that I was just 'human' and she refused to hear me out and thinks I'm just making excuses, and she doesn't want to hear any more apologies. She wants actions and proof. I'm fine with that, and that's the code that I've been trying to live by. Yet at this point, anything and everything seems to set off the fuse between us. And it's feeling like emotional abuse for both of us - she certainly feels I'm being emotionally abusive to her, and in return, because of how she reacts and her insistence that there is something horribly wrong with me in the head, I feel like I'm being gaslighted. I'm sitting here at work, and half my day is shot because I am so emotionally caught up in this that I can't or don't really feel like doing my job (effectively).
I can't take it anymore. We've been together a little over 5 years. I asked her to relocate to a new town when we first moved in together, which I didn't think though and thus made even that difficult. It's been a emotional roller coaster ever since. Currently I am financially supporting her 100% while she's in school, she's not working and does not have any real financial back-up. She doesn't have a peer/support group to lean on. She's estranged from her family too. I am the closest thing she has to a friend right now, and you see how well that is going....
She has talked before this about breaking up and we'd just live together as roommates, or moving out and living alone in some hovel she could afford in a dangerous neighborhood. I've never thought or talked about any of this, ever. I'd like her to get her degree so she can find some peace/success/happiness in her life. The whole boyfriend/girlfriend thing seems to be getting in the way.
I am at the end of my rope and don't know what to do..............I feel like I'm just going to cave-in and let the cycle continue, god help me.......