Breaking up an LTR when your SO has no backup ?
September 15, 2012 7:41 AM Subscribe
Break-up filter - how do you end a long term relationship with someone who doesn't have anyone else or anything much to count on as back up or support?
posted by anonymous to human relations (18 answers total) 7 users marked this as a favorite
In a nutshell - my relationship is on the ropes after about 5 years. I'm not going to go into much detail about it, because that would be a separate, very long post. All I can say is that it's both our fault.
I am pretty much convinced that things can't be worked out between us. There is too much emotional and psychological garbage going on that it's taken it's toll on both of us and we barely get along anymore. We've both turned the other cheek with each other too much and we're at our limits. The subject of breaking up is coming up more and more in our conversations/bickering, but we don't act on it.
We've lived together for about 99% of those 5 years. We live in one of the most expensive areas of the USA. About 3 or so years ago, she went back to school pretty much full time, so I am financially supporting both of us. She has no income, and very little savings, probably less than a few thousand total. She is also very much estranged from her immediate family and I'm pretty sure does not want to rely on them. She has no real friends or peer group locally, and maybe has a few decent long distance friends at best.
Breaking this off now is going to make me look like a major asshole, because of the timing of things that have happened to us over the summer have been very damaging. Her father died unexpectedly 3 months ago, and his estate was left in disarray (there's a big, ugly disagreement over who gets what). Just before that, our landlords gave us notice to vacate our home. We couldn't find a good place to move to, so grieving from the father's death, we lived in temp housing for over a month. We had to settle for a less than great apartment, which turned out to be unsafe so we had to break lease about a week later. Now we live in a better, but still unsafe, less than great apartment, because it was the best we could find and afford. But it's terrible too, so now we're looking to move yet again.....!
I am sort of resigned to the fact that I will probably still need to support her (???) on certain things while she gets her affairs in order. Like I said, there is way, way more background to this that would require a separate, longer post. But I just need to figure out a way to navigate this, because if I don't, it's just going to perpetuate forever and ever.
Yes, I am in therapy, so I do have a foundation of coping abilities and my own support....and please refrain from asking if I supported her enough, and not just financially - I did to the best of my abilities. Whether or not it was enough for her is not the issue here.