How do you know if you have chemistry with someone to continue dating th
September 24, 2021 5:39 PM Subscribe
I'm pretty inexperienced when it comes to dating and I'm not really sure when I should be letting these guys go when I'm not feeling it.
I have been on a couple dates with some men. They were pleasant but I wouldn't say that I really felt anything. I did want to see them again but it didn't feel necessarily urgent. Like this is nice and all but I could have had just as good time with a book. I think they sensed my hesitancy and/or did not feel the chemistry and did not ask me again for a second date. I did reach out to them again to see them but they declined.
A couple of these men were very educated and had their life put together way more than mine. I felt very intimidated by their success and wonder if that may have come across on some of these dates. I did notice that I had no desire to touch them. So while they were not unattractive, they didn't exactly hit the spot. I've had past dates where I didn't really like the conversation but I still wanted to touch them.
When do you know you have chemistry with someone to continue dating them?
I have been on a couple dates with some men. They were pleasant but I wouldn't say that I really felt anything. I did want to see them again but it didn't feel necessarily urgent. Like this is nice and all but I could have had just as good time with a book. I think they sensed my hesitancy and/or did not feel the chemistry and did not ask me again for a second date. I did reach out to them again to see them but they declined.
A couple of these men were very educated and had their life put together way more than mine. I felt very intimidated by their success and wonder if that may have come across on some of these dates. I did notice that I had no desire to touch them. So while they were not unattractive, they didn't exactly hit the spot. I've had past dates where I didn't really like the conversation but I still wanted to touch them.
When do you know you have chemistry with someone to continue dating them?
Yeah, I think I've always looked for that fast chemistry and spark, and I'm not sure that's the best approach anymore. Yes, it's super fun. But pre-app dating, I often knew people for a while before I developed a crush or attraction. Especially if these dates are short, I don't think it needs to feel urgent. I think it can feel pleasant, and like they are attractive and you'd like to see them again. That seems like enough for a second date.
It may be that they're looking for some signals of interest too. Try making sure you're making eye contact, maybe? I know that there was once a guy I really liked, and we ended up dating for a while, and he told me, after a few dates, that he couldn't tell if I was into him at all on our first date. So maybe plan to give first dates a second unless you really don't like them or find them unattractive? I wouldn't keep going if I didn't like the conversation, though, unless I was looking for something casual, not anything that might become a relationship.
Also, try not to be intimidated! People put their best foot forward on first dates. They might be successful, or they might be focusing on the successes (a date where someone listed all their problems wouldn't be fun at all).
posted by bluedaisy at 6:15 PM on September 24, 2021 [5 favorites]
It may be that they're looking for some signals of interest too. Try making sure you're making eye contact, maybe? I know that there was once a guy I really liked, and we ended up dating for a while, and he told me, after a few dates, that he couldn't tell if I was into him at all on our first date. So maybe plan to give first dates a second unless you really don't like them or find them unattractive? I wouldn't keep going if I didn't like the conversation, though, unless I was looking for something casual, not anything that might become a relationship.
Also, try not to be intimidated! People put their best foot forward on first dates. They might be successful, or they might be focusing on the successes (a date where someone listed all their problems wouldn't be fun at all).
posted by bluedaisy at 6:15 PM on September 24, 2021 [5 favorites]
Don't get in your head about where someone appears to be in their life on one date. I dated a dude who seemed totally together on our first date, regaled me with all his education plans, and was so handsome that women would practically fall apart upon meeting him and often offer him no strings attached sex. Guess what? He was a drunk.
This isn't to say that everyone who appears together isn't. Rather, appearing together for one date is pretty easy.... so easy a drunk can do it, and therefore not a great litmus test for someone's overall viability as a person or partner.
In terms of knowing if you're attracted, I'd say start with if you find the situation interesting and engaging. Are you curious to know more? That's a good sign! Go out again. In terms of interest in touch, I go less with feeling desire on date one and more with not feeling repulsed. For example, with my current partner, I didn't feel a real physical pull on date one, but I did find him cute and engaging and when he leaned in to give me a pretty chaste kiss and a hug, I was neutral on it, but on date two I was IN.
posted by amycup at 6:44 PM on September 24, 2021 [2 favorites]
This isn't to say that everyone who appears together isn't. Rather, appearing together for one date is pretty easy.... so easy a drunk can do it, and therefore not a great litmus test for someone's overall viability as a person or partner.
In terms of knowing if you're attracted, I'd say start with if you find the situation interesting and engaging. Are you curious to know more? That's a good sign! Go out again. In terms of interest in touch, I go less with feeling desire on date one and more with not feeling repulsed. For example, with my current partner, I didn't feel a real physical pull on date one, but I did find him cute and engaging and when he leaned in to give me a pretty chaste kiss and a hug, I was neutral on it, but on date two I was IN.
posted by amycup at 6:44 PM on September 24, 2021 [2 favorites]
The first date is just a "getting to know you date". The objective is just to watch out for red flags. Is the person an egomaniac that constantly talk about himself? Does he treat waitstaff with disdain? Does he kick puppies? Everybody puts their best foot forward at the first date. So some red flags are only apparent at later dates, if it goes that far.
Love at first sight is more likely to be lust at first sight. Nothing wrong with that, but don't mistake sexual interest with life compatibility.
On the other hand, there's no reason to continue if you don't feel a connection. Not saying your ideal man will be super-compatible, likes the same thing, have the same circle of friends, and instantly fit into your life. Dating is as much finding out WHO AND WHAT YOU WANT as much as finding the right one.
Don't put pressure on yourself to behave a certain way, or be too impressed by wealth. While we'd all wished to be swept off our feet by a billionaire (BTW I'm a guy) there's also no need to be too impressed by a guy's net worth. Instead, just work on initial compatibility. If you get the second or third date, THEN you can think about what do each of you bring to a relationship.
TL;DR -- dates are just a way to meet people... AND figure out who are you and who turns you on (and also the opposite, what turns you off)
posted by kschang at 7:01 PM on September 24, 2021 [1 favorite]
Love at first sight is more likely to be lust at first sight. Nothing wrong with that, but don't mistake sexual interest with life compatibility.
On the other hand, there's no reason to continue if you don't feel a connection. Not saying your ideal man will be super-compatible, likes the same thing, have the same circle of friends, and instantly fit into your life. Dating is as much finding out WHO AND WHAT YOU WANT as much as finding the right one.
Don't put pressure on yourself to behave a certain way, or be too impressed by wealth. While we'd all wished to be swept off our feet by a billionaire (BTW I'm a guy) there's also no need to be too impressed by a guy's net worth. Instead, just work on initial compatibility. If you get the second or third date, THEN you can think about what do each of you bring to a relationship.
TL;DR -- dates are just a way to meet people... AND figure out who are you and who turns you on (and also the opposite, what turns you off)
posted by kschang at 7:01 PM on September 24, 2021 [1 favorite]
On my first date with the woman who is now my wife, we had a great, long, rambling conversation, but I wouldn’t say there was a physical spark. That didn’t happen until the third date.
If these guys don’t want to go on a second date with you, then fuck ‘em. That is, don’t actually fuck them. You know what I mean. But even if the chemistry isn’t instant, it can happen.
posted by adamrice at 7:29 PM on September 24, 2021 [1 favorite]
If these guys don’t want to go on a second date with you, then fuck ‘em. That is, don’t actually fuck them. You know what I mean. But even if the chemistry isn’t instant, it can happen.
posted by adamrice at 7:29 PM on September 24, 2021 [1 favorite]
If you literally would have had a better time with a book and you wouldn't miss them or think about them if you never saw them again, you are not obligated to give them a second date. If you have NO interest in them and they fall completely flat with you, why do the same thing again?
Go on a repeat date if you would actually enjoy seeing them a second time. If you CARE if you do or not, at all.
posted by jenfullmoon at 11:34 PM on September 24, 2021 [1 favorite]
Go on a repeat date if you would actually enjoy seeing them a second time. If you CARE if you do or not, at all.
posted by jenfullmoon at 11:34 PM on September 24, 2021 [1 favorite]
Personally I used to have a lot of trouble loosening up enough on a first date to actually assess these kinds of things. It was very hard for me to get out of “on my best behavior” / “making the other person comfortable” mode. I haven’t dated in a long time, and married someone I met in a non-dating context, so I don’t have great advice here but I do just want to acknowledge that it’s possible to be too much “in your own head” to enjoy a date, especially a first date. And because I, personally, tend to have a bias towards inaction, that meant I generally didn’t bother with a second date (and eventually mostly gave up on dating).
If I were dating now I’d probably follow up a quick “let’s confirm that you’re not a murderer who’s rude to waitstaff” date with an activity date before I wrote anyone off completely.
posted by mskyle at 4:29 AM on September 25, 2021 [2 favorites]
If I were dating now I’d probably follow up a quick “let’s confirm that you’re not a murderer who’s rude to waitstaff” date with an activity date before I wrote anyone off completely.
posted by mskyle at 4:29 AM on September 25, 2021 [2 favorites]
This dynamic is why online dating fundamentally failed for me. I need to be able to get to know people in a less-weird context to decide if I'm interested in them, and have only ever successfully met people through hobbies and activities. It's possible that online dating is just not your best path forward!
posted by restless_nomad at 11:06 AM on September 25, 2021 [1 favorite]
posted by restless_nomad at 11:06 AM on September 25, 2021 [1 favorite]
How does attraction normally develop for you? Do you typically develop feelings/attraction/crushes quickly, or does it take longer? In my experience, there are some people who feel physical attraction immediately, but for many people it takes anywhere from two dates to six months. But I think for most people, unless they're looking just to hook up (which is legitimate, but doesn't sound like what you want), the first date is really just a check of "can I have a conversation with this person? Do I like how they smell? Are they nice to service workers" etc.
posted by lunasol at 5:32 PM on September 25, 2021 [3 favorites]
posted by lunasol at 5:32 PM on September 25, 2021 [3 favorites]
You might be slow to warm up to new people, not have met anyone you like enough yet, or you could be somewhere in the range of asexual or demisexual. It's worth looking into to see if you're more likely to want to touch people you know well or rarely feel desire at all.
posted by blueberry monster at 5:11 PM on September 29, 2021
posted by blueberry monster at 5:11 PM on September 29, 2021
This thread is closed to new comments.
I've had past dates where I didn't really like the conversation but I still wanted to touch them.
You need to keep going on dates until you find someone you want to both talk to and touch! (and they feel the same way!) Assuming you want to continue dating. It's also totally fine to spend the evening with a book.
I think that some folks just have more "specific" chemistry than others. I could have written this exact post until I met my current partner. I would not recommend continuing to go out with someone you're not into; I did that a few times, with a couple "relationships" of a few months each, and ended up just hurting people a lot more than necessary. I think the men who are declining second dates are sensing this as well. Good luck.
posted by btfreek at 5:51 PM on September 24, 2021 [5 favorites]