Has anyone ever dated their mentor? Can it end positively?

June 9, 2018 10:54 PM

Recently, someone who has provided a great deal of professional support and advice expressed romantic interest. I was torn between saying no, and having to end our friendship and interactions, and saying yes, and having to deal with all the unknowns. However, I do have a crush which arose due to the support I’ve received during especially trying career moments. Never imagined anything would be reciprocated so I never planned on acting on it.

I have enjoyed our time together but still apprehensive as professional and personal lines continue to blur. Recently, I have even received graphic design work due to various recommendations he has given.

It has been stressful. I do like him but also learning I didn’t know him as well as I had thought. It has also been hard because some friends said I shouldn’t have gone out with him socially before all this because that is what lead him to asking me out. As for my anxiety, my parents has said that it’s not him but me making things complicated, as I should go with the flow more. That really hurt and I feel alone in this.

As a freelance graphic designer, I worry about future work with clients but we don’t work in the same office so at least we’re not coworkers.

Any stories that could help?

posted by Meatloaf Mondays to Human Relations (17 answers total)

To what degree is your income dependent on his goodwill?
posted by studioaudience at 11:10 PM on June 9, 2018 [3 favorites]

Response by poster: That is a good question. Some degree? I've never broken it down. But every couple of months, I will get clients that tell me they found out about me because of him. Of course, I still get work from my website and from other client referrals and friends. But business is business and I've never been interested in rocking the boat or burning bridges. So this situation is very unusual for me. There is the worst case scenario of him discouraging people from working with me entirely but that's extreme and probably unlikely.
posted by Meatloaf Mondays at 11:31 PM on June 9, 2018

Married almost ten years, together fourteen now. I don't regret it, at all, but navigating the power dynamics set up in the early days of our relationship hasn't been without its complexities. Memail me if you want to chat in more depth.
posted by potrzebie at 11:33 PM on June 9, 2018 [4 favorites]

It's not impossible, but...the way this most commonly works out is that you realize that the professional support and advice were only on offer because he was hoping to sleep with you, not because he had such great respect for your skills and potential, and, when the relationship ends (or even before), so does the professional support and advice. This is not usually a pleasant epiphany to have regardless, but it hurts more when you actually are emotionally involved with him.

It's good that he doesn't have any sort of formal authority over you and doesn't work in the same place you do. However, in this post, you sound rather young and dependent on external sources for validation of your feelings and opinions. That puts you at particular risk for being manipulated by an older man. I would be very cautious.
posted by praemunire at 11:45 PM on June 9, 2018 [25 favorites]

I was torn between saying no, and having to end our friendship and interactions, and saying yes, and having to deal with all the unknowns.
Are those the only options? If he is a good man, there should be an option of continuing to be in a professional relationship (possibly cooler and more professional than before). If that isn't even an option, I would view that as a red flag.
posted by metahawk at 11:51 PM on June 9, 2018 [35 favorites]

Well, here's a story.

John was a senior spacecraft test analyst at NASA, and Mary was a part-time file clerk there. Mary and John got to know each other, and John saw that Mary was smart, able, and interested in the work, so little by little, he taught her to do what he did, she became a full-time member of the test documentation team, and they got someone else to do the filing. As time went on, John fell in love with Mary. John was married with two kids. Mary must have really been wondering what to do at the time -- it was a pretty shitty position for John to put her in, I think -- but I can tell you what she did do.

I am one of those kids. My mom and dad split up, and my dad has lived happily ever after with Mary for more than thirty years now.
posted by pH Indicating Socks at 11:51 PM on June 9, 2018 [3 favorites]

if neither of you are attached, then... go for it? he likes you, you like him, you know you work well together?
posted by Sebmojo at 12:54 AM on June 10, 2018

It's not impossible, but...the way this most commonly works out is that you realize that the professional support and advice were only on offer because he was hoping to sleep with you, not because he had such great respect for your skills and potential,

This seems an inevitable suspicion in our current moment, we all have a bad taste in our mouths, and it's hard to see past the ubiquitous shadows of so many manipulative exploitative men in power. But don't necessarily go here. It's also true that a mentor who appreciates your work, admires your talent, is excited by your potential, is attracted to you for those things. The creative energy between people is libidinal. You don't have to act on it. But it's not true that he's necessarily pretending to be excited by your work because he's really excited by your body. In my life with mentors these attractions have been of a single piece, mind and body, creative intellectual energy and sexual energy, sometimes for better and sometimes for worse. He might want to both sleep with you and have "great respect for your skills and potential" -- no use in cynically doubting the authenticity of the whole mentor relationship that's helped you just bc he wants to date you.
posted by nantucket at 7:14 AM on June 10, 2018 [1 favorite]

I didn’t know him as well as I had thought

I think we need to know more about this.
posted by schadenfrau at 7:21 AM on June 10, 2018 [8 favorites]

How old are you, how old is he?
I would think that this an important part of this situation. A large age gap is difficult even if he were not your mentor.
Also , is he married or partnered already?
What type of relationship would you like to have at this point in life? Can he meet what you want?
I think there is real danger the mentor and mentee thing carries over into the potential relationship especially if you are significantly younger.
posted by 15L06 at 7:30 AM on June 10, 2018 [2 favorites]

Isolated, alone, victim-blamed, stressed out, and anxious are not great ways to feel at the start of a potential romantic relationship. I suspect your gut is giving you a lot of good information that this guy and your family and friends are trying to talk you out of. Listen to yourself.
posted by lazuli at 8:03 AM on June 10, 2018 [7 favorites]

There is the worst case scenario of him discouraging people from working with me entirely

The even worse scenario is people in your industry deciding he only recommends you because he's sleeping with you, regardless of how good your work is and regardless of the fact that he was recommending you before becoming involved with you. this isn't something he could fix by talking you up even more. nobody would be justified in making that assumption, it's usually a sexist one, it would in no way be fair or your fault. but it sometimes happens.

and he knows it. he knows it very well. this is why ethical people don't try to seduce up-and-coming people they're trying to professionally promote and who aren't entirely established yet, or who aren't as established as they are.

Are you positive he considers himself your mentor? that this really was a case of professional interest leading to personal attraction, not personal attraction being the reason he cultivated you? this is an absolutely awful thing to have to wonder, but if you're seriously considering dating him, it might be wise to wonder, especially if a Yes answer would make you feel betrayed or undermined/insecure about your work. making this an issue is the other reason ethical people don't &c.
posted by queenofbithynia at 8:21 AM on June 10, 2018 [10 favorites]

I may be overly cautious (almost certainly am, honestly), but regardless of what you do with this guy, start finding other avenues for your work that aren't dependent on him, whether on Craigslist, Indeed, Virtual Vocations, or wherever. You can continue to benefit from the work he throws your way, too, but, this way, you are no longer dependent on him and can choose to do what's best for you in any given moment.
posted by dancing_angel at 9:27 AM on June 10, 2018 [2 favorites]

Response by poster: Thanks for all replies! This is helpful.

Are you positive he considers himself your mentor?
Now, nope. He has never called himself that. For context with friends, I did refer to him as "that mentor guy." We met because my classmate suggested him as a professional contact. We weren't friends. It was mostly me asking for info like starting a website or how to deal with contracts, client expectations, payment, etc. The job recommendations came later. But for quite some time, it was professional.

How old are you, how old is he?
I'm 28, and he's 29. So he is older but only by half a year or so. We are both single.

I didn’t know him as well as I had thought
To expand on that, before I had only seen him in coffee shops or in an office so we mostly talked about work. He was so kind, helpful and smart. I had placed him on a pedestal. After the dates, he's becoming an actual person. He lacks common sense in some areas. He hasn't made any comment on power dynamics, maybe he's oblivious to such things. Also, he made a few generalizations about people so his kindness had some clear limits.

Before the dates, I did notice a flirtation that I indulged. I thought that was just his personality.

The even worse scenario is people in your industry deciding he only recommends you because he's sleeping with you.
Yes. That is a big concern as well.

For the most part, the dates have been fun but it has been tough balancing my image of him and reality. He is not some guy I met on a dating app. That would make things much easier. So yes that last part, is a concern.
posted by Meatloaf Mondays at 12:44 PM on June 10, 2018

Response by poster: I may be overly cautious (almost certainly am, honestly), but regardless of what you do with this guy, start finding other avenues for your work that aren't dependent on him, whether on Craigslist, Indeed, Virtual Vocations, or wherever.

Thanks. I agree.
posted by Meatloaf Mondays at 12:45 PM on June 10, 2018 [2 favorites]

Personally, the fact that you're 28 and 29 makes this a lot less dicey for me: if he only has one year on you it's more like he's a peer who's a bit ahead of you in his career than a gross Older Mentor. Yes, dating within your field can be dicey, especially if he's more established, but it doesn't seem like your career is contingent on this dude's support. Has he mentioned the professional context to your relationship as well as his romantic interest? If you bring it up in a casual way (I like you, but I don't want to risk my reputation in the field) his reaction to that will tell you a lot.

The recommendations + personal connection aspect is a little hard to navigate, but I don't think it's that much different from someone recommending their cousin or brother or son or whatever: there's still the close non-professional connection there, but if you do good work and establish yourself eventually nobody will remember that's how they found you.

The only thing I would be concerned if you do date about standing on your own within the field: how is your online presence? Is there a professional association for people working in your field that you can volunteer with? Generally the more you're connected in your field in general the more they'll see you as you and not (X's girlfriend).

Edit: If he's only about half a year older than you there is a very good chance that he does see you as a peer and not a mentee (i.e. doesn't think that he's very much of a more established figure/that he has a huge amount of power over you) especially if your skills are about par. I connect some of my friends in my field to job opportunities, etc. but since we're within a few years of each other it feels to me like we're in the same life/career stage, even though some of them might view me as a mentor figure themselves.
posted by storytam at 2:14 AM on June 11, 2018 [1 favorite]

Response by poster: Has he mentioned the professional context to your relationship as well as his romantic interest?
No. That is an interesting point. He might not see me that way. I just see him that way because I've never given him any advice or work, and until recently we typically spoke only when I had questions.

(I like you, but I don't want to risk my reputation in the field) his reaction to that will tell you a lot.
True. We haven't had that discussion yet. I have thought about it because recommending a friend seems like a more honest referral than recommending a bf/gf/spouse.
posted by Meatloaf Mondays at 5:17 PM on June 11, 2018