Sexual Attraction Without Further Development in Dating?
October 4, 2017 7:03 PM Subscribe
I'm just wondering if any of you have had similar experiences where you started out seeing each other and then things settled into a mostly sexual dynamic (not seeing a future) - but the relationship actually developed when the sex stopped/did not, or that you realised while dating that it was only sex that was keeping you together and you eventually ended it? Any tips/advice to tide through this confusing period?
Hi guys, i'm curious if any of you have been in dating situations where you/the person you saw felt only strong sexual chemistry with the other person/you but nothing more beyond that, and then the emotional closeness developed eventually/ended? I ask because I've been seeing a guy for about 6 months - he asked me out since March this year, we dated about once a week and the start was really nice and daty and i felt pursued and wanted by him - we did not have sex until June. It seemed like the moment from which we had sex, all we did was just sex (we would cuddle and i would stay over until the next morning, he would send me home) without doing datey stuff at all. He's a team leader in the emergency investigations and he spreads his little free time between meeting his friends on some weekends/family/me.
We had a serious talk last night about this and he opened up that it was difficult for him to articulate this because he's been avoidant all his life. He revealed that he realised lately that he does not feel the need to develop our relationship further beyond compartmentalizating who i am in his life and the great sex we've been having. To give a picture of what that means: in between dates, i feel as if he is completely absent in my life besides the occasional texts - one every 2 days (he is super busy at work, a cop who does not even know when he gets to knock off daily but he admitted it is no excuse), i've met his housemates but he does not invite me out with his friends. i.e. we've been leading very separate lives. This is such that in the recent 3-4 months, I've been mostly taking the initiative to ask him if we're meeting, and this has obviously frustrated me and triggered my anxiety. I asked him previously if me taking the initiative mostly means that he is not interested in me, and he said no, he is still interested, he just feels really comfortable about being passive - his answer felt very amiss to me.
This then all came to light last night when we had the clarifying but painful talk. He also clarified that he is not currently interested in anybody else, and that there's nothing about me that he finds unattractive but he wished he could give me more but he finds himself unable to, and to continue sleeping with me while seeing me would just be stringing me along. I told him that i'm actually okay with not seeing a future with him if i could have him in the present (i'm aware that heartache would ensue; hell, i'm already having heartache), but it's not everyday that i get to meet someone i share fantastic physical chemistry with or whose company i truly enjoy; he makes me laugh and spending even a day with him makes my entire week.
I believe the sex with him have made me more attached to him, hence wanting more emotional intimacy and more attention from him, but unfortunately this hasn't been the case for him. So last night, after the long talk (he held my hands and hugged me but there was no kissing), he said he would send me home. i asked if i could cuddle at his place and he said no. i asked why and he said that if he allowed us to just continue having sex as we have before this talk, everything that he said last night would be negated, and this isn't how he wants to conduct his relationships. He said he's thinking of giving this abit more time to see if he would feel differently, but he was super strict on us no longer having any sexual contact now. He said it's really difficult for him to say no because he is really sexually attracted to me too and he hates disappointing me, but he wants to stick to his plans now, and he insisted it was important for us to figure out if there is more beyond being sexually attracted to each other and having sex would only serve to blur things. I told him i respected his decision but i'm left feeling very confused (and sexually frustrated) because i guess i've been too used to the regular and fantastic sexual intimacy we've been sharing. As mentioned, all i have is the present and in my present i know i still want him in my life, regardless of where his head is at, but i told him too that the minute he tells me he is sure he doesn't want me in his life at all, i will leave. But he did not respond to that.
I'm just wondering if any of you have had similar experiences where you started out seeing each other and then things settled into a merely sexual dynamic (not seeing a future) - but the relationship actually developed when the sex stopped/did not, or that you realised while dating that it was only sex that was keeping you together and you eventually ended it? How did you do it? P.S. I'm already seeing a therapist (ironically i'm a youth therapist myself) and i have supportive friends, but romantic love and sexual chemistry really matters to me too :(
Hi guys, i'm curious if any of you have been in dating situations where you/the person you saw felt only strong sexual chemistry with the other person/you but nothing more beyond that, and then the emotional closeness developed eventually/ended? I ask because I've been seeing a guy for about 6 months - he asked me out since March this year, we dated about once a week and the start was really nice and daty and i felt pursued and wanted by him - we did not have sex until June. It seemed like the moment from which we had sex, all we did was just sex (we would cuddle and i would stay over until the next morning, he would send me home) without doing datey stuff at all. He's a team leader in the emergency investigations and he spreads his little free time between meeting his friends on some weekends/family/me.
We had a serious talk last night about this and he opened up that it was difficult for him to articulate this because he's been avoidant all his life. He revealed that he realised lately that he does not feel the need to develop our relationship further beyond compartmentalizating who i am in his life and the great sex we've been having. To give a picture of what that means: in between dates, i feel as if he is completely absent in my life besides the occasional texts - one every 2 days (he is super busy at work, a cop who does not even know when he gets to knock off daily but he admitted it is no excuse), i've met his housemates but he does not invite me out with his friends. i.e. we've been leading very separate lives. This is such that in the recent 3-4 months, I've been mostly taking the initiative to ask him if we're meeting, and this has obviously frustrated me and triggered my anxiety. I asked him previously if me taking the initiative mostly means that he is not interested in me, and he said no, he is still interested, he just feels really comfortable about being passive - his answer felt very amiss to me.
This then all came to light last night when we had the clarifying but painful talk. He also clarified that he is not currently interested in anybody else, and that there's nothing about me that he finds unattractive but he wished he could give me more but he finds himself unable to, and to continue sleeping with me while seeing me would just be stringing me along. I told him that i'm actually okay with not seeing a future with him if i could have him in the present (i'm aware that heartache would ensue; hell, i'm already having heartache), but it's not everyday that i get to meet someone i share fantastic physical chemistry with or whose company i truly enjoy; he makes me laugh and spending even a day with him makes my entire week.
I believe the sex with him have made me more attached to him, hence wanting more emotional intimacy and more attention from him, but unfortunately this hasn't been the case for him. So last night, after the long talk (he held my hands and hugged me but there was no kissing), he said he would send me home. i asked if i could cuddle at his place and he said no. i asked why and he said that if he allowed us to just continue having sex as we have before this talk, everything that he said last night would be negated, and this isn't how he wants to conduct his relationships. He said he's thinking of giving this abit more time to see if he would feel differently, but he was super strict on us no longer having any sexual contact now. He said it's really difficult for him to say no because he is really sexually attracted to me too and he hates disappointing me, but he wants to stick to his plans now, and he insisted it was important for us to figure out if there is more beyond being sexually attracted to each other and having sex would only serve to blur things. I told him i respected his decision but i'm left feeling very confused (and sexually frustrated) because i guess i've been too used to the regular and fantastic sexual intimacy we've been sharing. As mentioned, all i have is the present and in my present i know i still want him in my life, regardless of where his head is at, but i told him too that the minute he tells me he is sure he doesn't want me in his life at all, i will leave. But he did not respond to that.
I'm just wondering if any of you have had similar experiences where you started out seeing each other and then things settled into a merely sexual dynamic (not seeing a future) - but the relationship actually developed when the sex stopped/did not, or that you realised while dating that it was only sex that was keeping you together and you eventually ended it? How did you do it? P.S. I'm already seeing a therapist (ironically i'm a youth therapist myself) and i have supportive friends, but romantic love and sexual chemistry really matters to me too :(
It sounds like he's trying to be a stand-up guy and not use you and have you get hurt. He likes you and likes the sex but doesn't see more than that happening. He wants both of you to be free to find more, and that seems like the right thing to do. It probably hurts even more to let him go knowing that he is a good person in this way, but I'm afraid that you are on the verge of insisting that he hurt you ("the minute he is sure he doesn't want me in his life at all, I will leave"). Don't do that to yourself. He basically already answered.
posted by Knowyournuts at 7:51 PM on October 4, 2017 [16 favorites]
posted by Knowyournuts at 7:51 PM on October 4, 2017 [16 favorites]
It is completely normal to become attached when you're having affectionate, passionate sex. I think you'd be better off thinking of this man as too avoidant to make a relationship with. That's not about you, it's about someone who chases you when you're just dating without sex, and then withdraws emotionally when you start sleeping together. This sounds very much like someone who gets overwhelmed by closeness and can basically handle either emotional or sexual investment but not both. You don't need that. But he's activated your need for attachment by withdrawing, and at this point it's hard to tell the difference between feeling that, and really feeling for this specific person. Let him go. He already said he's avoidant, passive and just can't do it. You can do it but you can't make him into someone who can. Find someone else who can give you both emotional and sexual connection at the same time.
posted by flourpot at 8:13 PM on October 4, 2017 [19 favorites]
posted by flourpot at 8:13 PM on October 4, 2017 [19 favorites]
I am in a very similar sexual non-relationship with a dude where the sex is fantastic but he's not interested in a relationship with me. As long as you are going into it with realistic expectations about how it will probably end in heartbreak if it continues, I think it's fine to continue, if he decides to do so. It's a learning experience, and why not enjoy something fun while you can?
But, it kind of sounds to me like he's already decided to end it with you and just hasn't been able to say so in a straightforward way. I strongly encourage you to date other people, if you aren't already.
posted by a strong female character at 8:15 PM on October 4, 2017 [3 favorites]
But, it kind of sounds to me like he's already decided to end it with you and just hasn't been able to say so in a straightforward way. I strongly encourage you to date other people, if you aren't already.
posted by a strong female character at 8:15 PM on October 4, 2017 [3 favorites]
Oh, hugs. That all sounds hard. You met someone, you liked each other, you did all the right things, you waited to have sex, then the sex was amazing, but then... the relationship... well, it just sort of stalled right there. More of the same good sex, but fewer dates and even fewer opportunities to engage with one another outside of the bedroom.
When you asked your partner about this, he affirmed that he appreciated as well as valued you as a person (and the sex the two of you have been having), but he also said pretty clearly that he doesn't want your relationship to be any different than it is now. And he seems to have been reasonably grown up about it, at least in so far as he seems to have realized that when you two have sex, you are deepening an intimate connection with him, but he isn't deepening his intimate connection with you. Therefore, you two should stop having sex.
I'm afraid that your question isn't really, "Can this relationship work if we stop having sex," so much as it is: "Please tell me my partner didn't really just break up with me or end our relationship?" And I'm afraid that your partner did, in fact, just end your relationship. And as hard as it is, I think you should accept that and move on. You deserve to be with someone who you have great chemistry with in bed AND who you can feel fizzy about outside of the bedroom because you are reasonably confident that they feel the same fizzy way about you.
posted by pinkacademic at 8:32 PM on October 4, 2017 [10 favorites]
When you asked your partner about this, he affirmed that he appreciated as well as valued you as a person (and the sex the two of you have been having), but he also said pretty clearly that he doesn't want your relationship to be any different than it is now. And he seems to have been reasonably grown up about it, at least in so far as he seems to have realized that when you two have sex, you are deepening an intimate connection with him, but he isn't deepening his intimate connection with you. Therefore, you two should stop having sex.
I'm afraid that your question isn't really, "Can this relationship work if we stop having sex," so much as it is: "Please tell me my partner didn't really just break up with me or end our relationship?" And I'm afraid that your partner did, in fact, just end your relationship. And as hard as it is, I think you should accept that and move on. You deserve to be with someone who you have great chemistry with in bed AND who you can feel fizzy about outside of the bedroom because you are reasonably confident that they feel the same fizzy way about you.
posted by pinkacademic at 8:32 PM on October 4, 2017 [10 favorites]
I don't think it matters what your arrangement is as long as you're both happy. I have casual sex buddies with and without friendship, romantic partnerships with and without sex, and even a serious date I only see a few times a year! Friends have turned into dates and sexual partners, then back into friends. Or vice versa. Sometimes we have matching desires but asymmetrical feelings. What's important is that your values and expectations are aligned. If you speak openly to each other, you can step off the relationship ladder.
However. He's clearly said that he's not down for a lot of intimacy between sexy times. If that's what you need, it's not going to work. If you accept that the relationship you've had is what you've got – and no more – then maybe you can enjoy it while you live your life and keep an eye out for a date who suits you romantically. If that doesn't jive for you, turn your energy elsewhere.
posted by fritillary at 9:51 PM on October 4, 2017 [1 favorite]
However. He's clearly said that he's not down for a lot of intimacy between sexy times. If that's what you need, it's not going to work. If you accept that the relationship you've had is what you've got – and no more – then maybe you can enjoy it while you live your life and keep an eye out for a date who suits you romantically. If that doesn't jive for you, turn your energy elsewhere.
posted by fritillary at 9:51 PM on October 4, 2017 [1 favorite]
I find that people make time for things that are important to them. I am quite busy, but if I met a person with whom I wanted a relationship, I would find the time to work on it. He has told you with BOTH actions and words that a further relationship with you is not likely. Listen to him. If you want more than he is giving, move on. If you are ok with dreaming for more while marking time as is, dream on and hang on.
Candidly, if he won't introduce you to his friends and invite you to hang out with him and his friends, he is either hiding something from you, ashamed of you, an under cover cop or does not want to hang out with you.
Good luck coming to a conclusion that works for you.
posted by AugustWest at 11:13 PM on October 4, 2017 [1 favorite]
Candidly, if he won't introduce you to his friends and invite you to hang out with him and his friends, he is either hiding something from you, ashamed of you, an under cover cop or does not want to hang out with you.
Good luck coming to a conclusion that works for you.
posted by AugustWest at 11:13 PM on October 4, 2017 [1 favorite]
I'm just here to reassure you that if you have great sex with someone who is not emotionally bonded to you, you can have way better sex with someone else who is bonded to you.
I also want to let you know that every time I have sadly thought "what a bummer that this relationship is ending because it's unlikely I'll have sex this good again" I've been wrong. Great sex is out thrre. For real. Don't worry about that part.
posted by janey47 at 6:24 AM on October 5, 2017 [6 favorites]
I also want to let you know that every time I have sadly thought "what a bummer that this relationship is ending because it's unlikely I'll have sex this good again" I've been wrong. Great sex is out thrre. For real. Don't worry about that part.
posted by janey47 at 6:24 AM on October 5, 2017 [6 favorites]
Yes I've had this happen (nice dating that doesn't really feel like it's leading up to a real relationship, fantastic sex, acknowledgement that the lack of a real relationship vibe isn't just in my head, a gentle break-up). He's doing the right thing for both of you.
You are now free to go find someone who you share great chemistry with and who wants a relationship.
posted by lafemma at 6:25 AM on October 5, 2017 [3 favorites]
You are now free to go find someone who you share great chemistry with and who wants a relationship.
posted by lafemma at 6:25 AM on October 5, 2017 [3 favorites]
I would like to 100% cosign what janey47 said. I have been in quite a few situations where I thought, "it can't get better than this!" and hoped the dude would wake up to the obvious chemistry etc. They didn't, and we were both better for it.
Having truly intimate, passionate sex with someone you love and who loves you is next-level; you deserve it. Don't settle for less.
posted by nonmerci at 6:54 AM on October 5, 2017 [4 favorites]
Having truly intimate, passionate sex with someone you love and who loves you is next-level; you deserve it. Don't settle for less.
posted by nonmerci at 6:54 AM on October 5, 2017 [4 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
I'm sure you're going to hear from people who had a different experience, but from where I'm sitting at the advanced age of-- well, an advanced age-- it is an important life skill to realise that someone is just not into you as much as you are into them, and trust yourself enough to walk away and find someone else. The best tip I can give you is to cut it off completely and live your life. You *will* find someone who feels the same way about you, I promise. This is such a powerful thing to write: "he makes me laugh and spending even a day with him makes my entire week. " and you deserve to have someone in your life who would write it about you.
posted by frumiousb at 7:51 PM on October 4, 2017 [26 favorites]