They're singin' Deck The Halls, but it's not like Christmas at all...
December 22, 2015 2:27 PM Subscribe
The ex and I have started hanging out frequently again after a several month period of no contact and a couple of other dates/relationships with others under our belts while maintaining a loose friendship, and I want a second chance at our relationship. What's the healthiest way to proceed without screwing this up?
We broke up a little over a year ago, with him citing work stress and too many other large things going on in his life to deal with a relationship healthily. We stayed no contact for several months, and then stayed in loose contact as friends while he and I dated other people, talking several times a week and seeing each other maybe once every month or two. Now we've found ourselves in a place where we're both single, with him being only a couple of weeks out of a 6+ month relationship, and we've started hanging out and talking much more.
I brought him beer and provided support when his recent relationship ended. And then we started hanging out more. In the past month I've gone from seeing him maybe once a month, to three or four times a week, and chatting every day. We both agree we are very much enjoying each others' company, but ultimately I would like to ask for a second chance at our relationship, as I believe circumstances have changed a bit for both of us that would allow things to work smoother this time around. I tried to kind of test the waters and ask if he would be open to the idea of giving things between us a second chance, but he mentioned that he wasn't ready to even think about that at the moment given how recently he has gotten out of another relationship. I understand that, and the last thing I would want is to be a rebound, so I am trying to give him the space and time he needs to move on from her and figure out what he wants. I did ask if he had feelings for me beyond friends or if it was just me, as I kind of felt this sexual tension in the air, and he said it wasn't just me, but that he wasn't ready to think about it right now. I'm finding it a little difficult to know how to proceed wisely, as far as hanging out, or bringing up things in conversation, or how to approach this in the best manner.
I have set some boundaries for myself, such as no physical contact that could be construed as more like cuddling or hugs and no sleepovers until he is ready to have a discussion about what we both want from this. He has tried to get me to stay the night after hanging out, which I've politely declined, even though I really wanted to stay, as I felt that would only give me mixed signals.
I would love any thoughts and advice on how to go about this in a healthy manner, in order to give him the space he needs to figure it out but also not overlooking my own needs and emotional sanity. For example, should I continue this more frequent hanging out, and just be patient and see where it leads? Maybe I need to wait until after the holidays? Am I doing the wrong thing by setting boundaries as far as physical contact? Do I need to be more direct, or do I need to back off and let him bring it up?
Any suggestions or thoughts from those who have been in similar situations are welcome, but please nothing telling me that trying to get back with an ex is a terrible idea.
We broke up a little over a year ago, with him citing work stress and too many other large things going on in his life to deal with a relationship healthily. We stayed no contact for several months, and then stayed in loose contact as friends while he and I dated other people, talking several times a week and seeing each other maybe once every month or two. Now we've found ourselves in a place where we're both single, with him being only a couple of weeks out of a 6+ month relationship, and we've started hanging out and talking much more.
I brought him beer and provided support when his recent relationship ended. And then we started hanging out more. In the past month I've gone from seeing him maybe once a month, to three or four times a week, and chatting every day. We both agree we are very much enjoying each others' company, but ultimately I would like to ask for a second chance at our relationship, as I believe circumstances have changed a bit for both of us that would allow things to work smoother this time around. I tried to kind of test the waters and ask if he would be open to the idea of giving things between us a second chance, but he mentioned that he wasn't ready to even think about that at the moment given how recently he has gotten out of another relationship. I understand that, and the last thing I would want is to be a rebound, so I am trying to give him the space and time he needs to move on from her and figure out what he wants. I did ask if he had feelings for me beyond friends or if it was just me, as I kind of felt this sexual tension in the air, and he said it wasn't just me, but that he wasn't ready to think about it right now. I'm finding it a little difficult to know how to proceed wisely, as far as hanging out, or bringing up things in conversation, or how to approach this in the best manner.
I have set some boundaries for myself, such as no physical contact that could be construed as more like cuddling or hugs and no sleepovers until he is ready to have a discussion about what we both want from this. He has tried to get me to stay the night after hanging out, which I've politely declined, even though I really wanted to stay, as I felt that would only give me mixed signals.
I would love any thoughts and advice on how to go about this in a healthy manner, in order to give him the space he needs to figure it out but also not overlooking my own needs and emotional sanity. For example, should I continue this more frequent hanging out, and just be patient and see where it leads? Maybe I need to wait until after the holidays? Am I doing the wrong thing by setting boundaries as far as physical contact? Do I need to be more direct, or do I need to back off and let him bring it up?
Any suggestions or thoughts from those who have been in similar situations are welcome, but please nothing telling me that trying to get back with an ex is a terrible idea.
please nothing telling me that trying to get back with an ex is a terrible idea.
Not saying that trying to get back with an ex is a terrible idea, but it sounds like you have already tested the waters and he is not interested.
- I brought him beer and provided support when his recent relationship ended.
- he mentioned that he wasn't ready to even think about that at the moment
- he said it wasn't just me, but that he wasn't ready to think about it right now.
You asked, he answered.
He has tried to get me to stay the night after hanging out, which I've politely declined, even though I really wanted to stay, as I felt that would only give me mixed signals.
This sounds wise. Keep paying attention to your needs. He knows you're available and he too was testing the waters. But you want different things; it looks as though he doesn't want a relationship with you. I'm sorry.
posted by headnsouth at 2:36 PM on December 22, 2015 [6 favorites]
Not saying that trying to get back with an ex is a terrible idea, but it sounds like you have already tested the waters and he is not interested.
- I brought him beer and provided support when his recent relationship ended.
- he mentioned that he wasn't ready to even think about that at the moment
- he said it wasn't just me, but that he wasn't ready to think about it right now.
You asked, he answered.
He has tried to get me to stay the night after hanging out, which I've politely declined, even though I really wanted to stay, as I felt that would only give me mixed signals.
This sounds wise. Keep paying attention to your needs. He knows you're available and he too was testing the waters. But you want different things; it looks as though he doesn't want a relationship with you. I'm sorry.
posted by headnsouth at 2:36 PM on December 22, 2015 [6 favorites]
Exactly! ITA with what Bunny said. The fact that he asked you to sleep over suggests to me that he's looking for a FWB relationship from you -- and he'll probably continue to date around until he finds "Ms. Right". If he thought it was you, he would've said so by now. Sorry.
Stop spending so much time with this guy and start living your own life. Get out there and date again. You deserve better.
posted by LuckySeven~ at 2:37 PM on December 22, 2015 [2 favorites]
Stop spending so much time with this guy and start living your own life. Get out there and date again. You deserve better.
posted by LuckySeven~ at 2:37 PM on December 22, 2015 [2 favorites]
I tried to kind of test the waters and ask if he would be open to the idea of giving things between us a second chance, but he mentioned that he wasn't ready to even think about that at the moment
This reads to me as a polite way of saying "no".
You've asked him if he would be amenable to getting back together and he gave you an answer, albeit one you may not have preferred. I don't know that waiting around hoping that his answer changes is the best use of your time.
posted by The Gooch at 2:53 PM on December 22, 2015 [3 favorites]
This reads to me as a polite way of saying "no".
You've asked him if he would be amenable to getting back together and he gave you an answer, albeit one you may not have preferred. I don't know that waiting around hoping that his answer changes is the best use of your time.
posted by The Gooch at 2:53 PM on December 22, 2015 [3 favorites]
From what you've posted here, it sounds like you've already asked your ex if he's interested in getting back together, and he's said no. Believe him.
Here's the thing. The excuse that the timing is bad is one that COULD on rare occasions be true, but often is an excuse people use to try and soften the blow, because they don't want to be too direct and risk losing a friendship or hurting your feelings. It sounds like this particular guy has now used the timing excuse on you two times: first, he was too stressed about work to date you. Now, he's too caught up in his past relationship to date you. If I were you, I would not waste time on someone who isn't 100% about you and keeps giving you these wishy washy excuses.
posted by rainbowbrite at 3:00 PM on December 22, 2015 [15 favorites]
Here's the thing. The excuse that the timing is bad is one that COULD on rare occasions be true, but often is an excuse people use to try and soften the blow, because they don't want to be too direct and risk losing a friendship or hurting your feelings. It sounds like this particular guy has now used the timing excuse on you two times: first, he was too stressed about work to date you. Now, he's too caught up in his past relationship to date you. If I were you, I would not waste time on someone who isn't 100% about you and keeps giving you these wishy washy excuses.
posted by rainbowbrite at 3:00 PM on December 22, 2015 [15 favorites]
He's willing to sleep with you, but not be your boyfriend. I don't think you are likely to change his mind. He already knows you, knows what it's like to be in a relationship with you, and just isn't interested. The problem isn't that getting together with an ex is a horrible idea, it is that trying to get together with someone who doesn't want to be in a romantic relationship with you (at least for now) is a bad idea. You don't need to go no-contact or anything, but try to focus your romantic energies elsewhere and cut back some on the friend time spent with him.
posted by Area Man at 3:01 PM on December 22, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by Area Man at 3:01 PM on December 22, 2015 [3 favorites]
Captain Awkward often gives the advice that when anyone says they're not interested in a relationship "right now", you should mentally delete the words "right now" and replace them with "with you." I think that may be the case here, unfortunately.
posted by cider at 3:04 PM on December 22, 2015 [15 favorites]
posted by cider at 3:04 PM on December 22, 2015 [15 favorites]
until he is ready to have a discussion about what we both want from this
You had this discussion and he gave you his answer.
as I felt that would only give me mixed signals
This is not how mixed signals work. He doesn't want to be with you for real, but you are in all other ways a placeholder and he is fine with that and so are you, which you are communicating by continuing to do it.
I know - from horrible experience - that you think if you stand right there and wait long enough, be nice enough, be everything he wants, it'll be you he reaches for when he decides he's ready.
It won't be you. If it was going to be you it would have happened already. When he's ready, you will be invisible to him; he'll go looking for someone for a fresh start. He'll be embarrassed about how long you lived on his scraps and how willing he was to provide them.
This is not a second chance, it's just leftovers. Second chance is when you go no-contact for real, and you do not dance along on talking a few times a week (much like if this was a new person you were interested in, this is too much talking and not enough dating). It's splitting up and going out and living lives for real for a few years until one or preferably both of you have changed enough that it's actually a new relationship between new people.
posted by Lyn Never at 3:04 PM on December 22, 2015 [13 favorites]
You had this discussion and he gave you his answer.
as I felt that would only give me mixed signals
This is not how mixed signals work. He doesn't want to be with you for real, but you are in all other ways a placeholder and he is fine with that and so are you, which you are communicating by continuing to do it.
I know - from horrible experience - that you think if you stand right there and wait long enough, be nice enough, be everything he wants, it'll be you he reaches for when he decides he's ready.
It won't be you. If it was going to be you it would have happened already. When he's ready, you will be invisible to him; he'll go looking for someone for a fresh start. He'll be embarrassed about how long you lived on his scraps and how willing he was to provide them.
This is not a second chance, it's just leftovers. Second chance is when you go no-contact for real, and you do not dance along on talking a few times a week (much like if this was a new person you were interested in, this is too much talking and not enough dating). It's splitting up and going out and living lives for real for a few years until one or preferably both of you have changed enough that it's actually a new relationship between new people.
posted by Lyn Never at 3:04 PM on December 22, 2015 [13 favorites]
We broke up a little over a year ago, with him citing work stress and too many other large things going on in his life to deal with a relationship healthily
Do you really want to be in a relationship with someone who can't have a healthy relationship when work is stressful and large things are going on? Work is always going to have stressful periods, and large scary things are always going to be happening. That's life. Why would you think this just wouldn't happen again?
posted by Jon Mitchell at 3:11 PM on December 22, 2015 [5 favorites]
Do you really want to be in a relationship with someone who can't have a healthy relationship when work is stressful and large things are going on? Work is always going to have stressful periods, and large scary things are always going to be happening. That's life. Why would you think this just wouldn't happen again?
posted by Jon Mitchell at 3:11 PM on December 22, 2015 [5 favorites]
Also, he broke up with you initially because he didn't have time for a relationship.
Except - he got into another relationship relatively quickly. So he's actually told you twice he's not interested in being your boyfriend. I'm pretty sure that should be enough times to be rejected by the same guy.
Find a new one who likes you.
posted by crankyrogalsky at 3:25 PM on December 22, 2015 [13 favorites]
Except - he got into another relationship relatively quickly. So he's actually told you twice he's not interested in being your boyfriend. I'm pretty sure that should be enough times to be rejected by the same guy.
Find a new one who likes you.
posted by crankyrogalsky at 3:25 PM on December 22, 2015 [13 favorites]
Response by poster: Understood. Thanks, everyone.
posted by Malleable at 3:29 PM on December 22, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by Malleable at 3:29 PM on December 22, 2015 [5 favorites]
I've watched several friends be on both sides of this one.
Whoever the person is declining the relationship rebuild but willing to sleep with the other person:
1. isn't really over it
2. is, as said above, willing to have sex but either not interested in a real relationship or will just drag out the inevitable breakup.
I've watched the hopeful party drag this out with the relatively disinterested-but-wanting-sex(or single serving companionship) party for over a year before post-breakup.
In the end, they just want an easy backup plan when they're bored and lonely and want their bed warmed. This might not mesh with the character of who you know, and they're probably not consciously looking at it that way and may very well be a Good Person, but what they're doing is intellectually and emotionally dishonest here even if they don't realize it.
I think you really need to cut this off and revisit even being friends in like a year. If it's going to work out, it will then. If it wasn't, you wont even want to.
I've seen this drag friends to really unhealthy and dark places, where both parties ended up acting completely out of character in a way that continued to seem out of character after they had both moved on and snapped out of it. Don't go there.
posted by emptythought at 10:05 PM on December 22, 2015 [1 favorite]
Whoever the person is declining the relationship rebuild but willing to sleep with the other person:
1. isn't really over it
2. is, as said above, willing to have sex but either not interested in a real relationship or will just drag out the inevitable breakup.
I've watched the hopeful party drag this out with the relatively disinterested-but-wanting-sex(or single serving companionship) party for over a year before post-breakup.
In the end, they just want an easy backup plan when they're bored and lonely and want their bed warmed. This might not mesh with the character of who you know, and they're probably not consciously looking at it that way and may very well be a Good Person, but what they're doing is intellectually and emotionally dishonest here even if they don't realize it.
I think you really need to cut this off and revisit even being friends in like a year. If it's going to work out, it will then. If it wasn't, you wont even want to.
I've seen this drag friends to really unhealthy and dark places, where both parties ended up acting completely out of character in a way that continued to seem out of character after they had both moved on and snapped out of it. Don't go there.
posted by emptythought at 10:05 PM on December 22, 2015 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
I tried to kind of test the waters and ask if he would be open to the idea of giving things between us a second chance, but he mentioned that he wasn't ready to even think about that at the moment given how recently he has gotten out of another relationship.
Please believe this man. He's not interested in anything but your friendship. If that's painful for you, or not what you want from him, then you need to go back to no-contact. At the most, he might try to move it to FWB, which is another thing I have strong feelings about. If he suggests it, and you decide to go ahead with it, it's a totally dishonest thing to do, because you're sleeping with him hoping he'll fall in love with you, and he's in it for the sex.
Back off, don't see him so frequently and get back to dating other people. Do NOT sit on the shelf (like that elf) and hope he decides that he wants you after all.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 2:31 PM on December 22, 2015 [41 favorites]