Positive representations & stories about sex with men of size
December 22, 2015 1:58 PM   Subscribe

I find myself very attracted to an obese man. I'm an average-sized lady who has mostly been with more slender men, and I want more information about what it would be like to be with somebody much bigger. I'm hoping you can help me find some healthy, positive representations of sexuality featuring men of size.

My main issue is that I've never been with anyone that big before (I'd guess he weighs over 350 pounds), and I would want to be fairly certain that I'd be into it before I take things any further with him. I just feel extremely ignorant; it's not that I have a bunch of questions, but I find it so difficult to picture things in any detail that I can't even know how I feel about it. I know I am quite attracted to this guy on an intellectual and emotional level, and he's very good-looking and charismatic - he's just very large, and I would hate to get all the way into the bedroom only to discover that it's a ladyboner-killer for me when the rubber hits the road, so to speak. I want to do my homework to make sure that doesn't happen if at all possible. This man means a lot to me and I would hate to hurt him or make him feel rejected.

So to make it more real for me, I went looking for some hot porn of obese men, but I couldn't find anything that looked even remotely positive. If anything, it seemed like most people made that kind of porn as a way of demeaning the women involved (which is terrible). The men were filmed as unappealingly as possible, and clearly none of them were chosen for their good looks - which, at least for me, is generally orthogonal to size. I know that no porn I watch is going to guarantee I'll be physically attracted to his body once our clothes come off. I just want a better and healthier way to explore my sexual feelings about men of size.

Is there any porn of men of size that was filmed in a respectful, sexy way? Are there other resources I should be considering - forums, subreddits, etc? Even fat-admirer fetish stuff would be welcome, although I don't feel that way myself - it's really more about this particular guy for me. Personal stories would be welcome, too.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (7 answers total) 7 users marked this as a favorite
Google Virgie Tovar
posted by parmanparman at 2:04 PM on December 22, 2015

Maybe gay porn will have more of what you're looking for, especially bear stuff?
posted by fiercecupcake at 2:09 PM on December 22, 2015 [16 favorites]

My former husband was, at his largest, 350+ for about half of our marriage. If you'd like to email me with questions, or for input, my details are in my profile.

(Note - his weight had nothing to do with our divorce.)
posted by dotgirl at 2:25 PM on December 22, 2015

Please feel free to MeMail me. I recently went through something similar.
posted by sorrygottago at 3:29 PM on December 22, 2015

This recent question from the man's side may be of interest to you.
posted by capricorn at 4:12 PM on December 22, 2015 [1 favorite]

I can appreciate that you don't want to hurt him, but I think there's just no way to know how things will feel until you guys are into it. There's a certain amount of risk and vulnerability involved in any encounter. Things might not work out because of chemistry, preferred techniques, smell - lots of things. If it doesn't work out - for whatever reason - it doesn't. He doesn't have to know that his size or shape was the reason, if it turned out that it made a difference for you.

it's really more about this particular guy for me.

I think focusing on the connection between you might be more helpful than trying to approach him from the outside in, via objectification, in the first instance.

(A more pragmatic reason to not go that way is that - and I am not a huge porn aficionado, by any means - at least in the sample I've seen, men seem to not be cast for their looks, so much. My impression is that [at least in terms of what I've seen], in addition to I guess their technical proficiency, they're meant to be a stand-in for an assumed male viewer. Maybe casting attractive men would be threatening to that hypothetical viewer, I don't know.)
posted by cotton dress sock at 6:52 PM on December 22, 2015 [5 favorites]

Big, Big Love might be useful. Carnet de Nesskain's art features large men who are smoking hot, IMHO.

I've been with a lot of men, across the spectrum of body types, weights, ages, and looks. There's something wonderful in everyone, if you open up to seeing it, which it sounds like you're trying to do.

Kiss this fellow first. Surely one hopes for at least a little kissing before clothes come off. If there's enough attraction and spark between you to go further, it'll be revealed then. Once you're naked and in bed with each other, rather than viewing his size as a flaw to be overlooked, find the things about him that turn you on. Tell him what those things are, and why they turn you on. It might be his hair, or his taste, or his smell, or the curve of his forearms. Create a positive feedback loop. Just as you would with any other partner, close your eyes and focus on how being with him makes you feel. Then open your eyes and start associating those feelings of arousal with this man in particular.

If he makes you feel good with your clothes on, he'll make you feel good with your clothes off.

Relax, enjoy yourselves, be safe, and have fun!
posted by culfinglin at 2:33 AM on December 23, 2015 [1 favorite]

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