Post break up advice
July 26, 2015 9:13 AM Subscribe
I broke up with my girlfriend of three years yesterday night. I told her I missed a part to fully love her and commit in the same way that she is committed to me. I feel shitty now. What should I do now?
I had a nagging feeling that this wasn't "it" but things were rough for her and I always postponed putting the essence of my doubt out there.
She feels pretty bad - and I don't know what exactly I'm supposed to do now? What did you appreciate when you were on the receiving end of this?
Do you think this relationship could be saved? I had this thought ("it's not enough") from early on since we were together. I'm thinking that maybe I just didn't let myself go enough, love enough. That maybe I really don't know myself and what I want.
I feel like she adds so much to my life, but then there was always this nagging feeling.
Today we are still in the same apartment (we're on a trip) - we talked a lot about our discussion yesterday (and also stayed physically close). But I have a hard time finding the right direction.
I had a nagging feeling that this wasn't "it" but things were rough for her and I always postponed putting the essence of my doubt out there.
She feels pretty bad - and I don't know what exactly I'm supposed to do now? What did you appreciate when you were on the receiving end of this?
Do you think this relationship could be saved? I had this thought ("it's not enough") from early on since we were together. I'm thinking that maybe I just didn't let myself go enough, love enough. That maybe I really don't know myself and what I want.
I feel like she adds so much to my life, but then there was always this nagging feeling.
Today we are still in the same apartment (we're on a trip) - we talked a lot about our discussion yesterday (and also stayed physically close). But I have a hard time finding the right direction.
You have to let yourself be the bad guy. You can't break up with her and also be the source of her comfort.
Exactly, and don't expect her to comfort you, either.
posted by jaguar at 9:25 AM on July 26, 2015 [30 favorites]
Exactly, and don't expect her to comfort you, either.
posted by jaguar at 9:25 AM on July 26, 2015 [30 favorites]
Best answer: Feeling shitty happens sometimes. Nobody promised you a shitty-free life. Be uncomfortable, know that it will pass, focus on moving forward.
Yeah, you do have to be the bad guy here. You made a decision to make a life change, so don't stick her with the (physical and emotional) labor of separating, as much as you have control over it. Move out, don't lead her to believe you're going to change your mind by backpedaling or softballing now, suck it up and keep a respectful distance when she's hurting.
And don't be mean. Don't laundry-list all the stuff that's wrong with her, don't lash back if she lashes out at you.
If "stayed physically close" means "had sex," stop now. You had your break-up bang, don't use her hope that it'll get you back together to keep having it over and over.
posted by Lyn Never at 9:26 AM on July 26, 2015 [29 favorites]
Yeah, you do have to be the bad guy here. You made a decision to make a life change, so don't stick her with the (physical and emotional) labor of separating, as much as you have control over it. Move out, don't lead her to believe you're going to change your mind by backpedaling or softballing now, suck it up and keep a respectful distance when she's hurting.
And don't be mean. Don't laundry-list all the stuff that's wrong with her, don't lash back if she lashes out at you.
If "stayed physically close" means "had sex," stop now. You had your break-up bang, don't use her hope that it'll get you back together to keep having it over and over.
posted by Lyn Never at 9:26 AM on July 26, 2015 [29 favorites]
I can't tell you if the relationship could have worked, but it's over and done and you can't be worrying about that now. Even if the problem was that you weren't ready to love anyone, that ship has sailed for this relationship. Do some work and try to be in a better place for your next one. You especially can't be telling her you aren't sure. You're breaking up with her, and the kindest thing you can do is make it a clean break, not a jagged, ambiguous, doubtful one (dear fucking lord, those suck). It's okay to feel shitty, but don't dwell on that with her, and don't expect her to comfort you through this difficult time. It should go without saying that you also can't expect to be the person who can help her through this.
The biggest thing, though, is to get out. You can't continue to live together. You definitely can't continue to be "physically close" -- which I take it means sex, or at least kissing or cuddling or something? Don't do that!
posted by J. Wilson at 9:30 AM on July 26, 2015 [3 favorites]
The biggest thing, though, is to get out. You can't continue to live together. You definitely can't continue to be "physically close" -- which I take it means sex, or at least kissing or cuddling or something? Don't do that!
posted by J. Wilson at 9:30 AM on July 26, 2015 [3 favorites]
Best answer: Love is not a feeling. It is work. Hard, hard work. Right now, this moment, the next moment, the one after that. Have you done, are you doing the work ? This is the easiest advice to give. The practice is another thing entirely.
posted by y2karl at 9:34 AM on July 26, 2015 [8 favorites]
posted by y2karl at 9:34 AM on July 26, 2015 [8 favorites]
Best answer: I broke up with my partner of 3 years and had to spend a week with them in our house while we sorted out logistics. We did all sorts of couple-y things, we had sex, we held hands, we tried to comfort each other. DON'T DO WHAT WE DID. The sooner you can untangle yourselves from each other the better. Turn to your friends and your family. You cannot support each other through a breakup- it's a contradiction in terms.
posted by mymbleth at 9:35 AM on July 26, 2015 [6 favorites]
posted by mymbleth at 9:35 AM on July 26, 2015 [6 favorites]
Best answer: Three years into a relationship once, my partner broke up with me for the same reason that you have just broken up with your girlfriend: there was a nagging, persistent kernel of doubt on his part that there was just something ineffable missing from the relationship. He loved me; we were a good team together - maybe his expectations were unrealistic, but he couldn't shake that feeling that it wasn't enough.
In the aftermath of that breakup (and we shared an apartment by then), we talked and talked and stayed physically close and, in a sense, tried to grieve and process the breakup together until...we got back together.
Ten years, a marriage, and a kiddo later, he found a relationship that he knew deeply and profoundly was "enough" - and it wasn't with me. And then a little later after that, I found a relationship with someone where we both knew deeply and profoundly that it was "enough" (whatever "enough" means, and it means different things for different people - which is to say, I'm not going to comment on whether you're right or wrong to breakup. I tend to think that if you're ambivalent and if you and your partner have different ideas about what makes for a satisfying, meaningful relationship, then it's best to move along). My ex spouse was miserable and guilty for feeling like our relationship wasn't "enough," and I was sad and lonely being with someone who I knew felt like our relationship wasn't "enough."
As hard as it is, I recommend that you go low or no contact now as much as possible and extricate yourself from the relationship to give your girlfriend time to grieve and process and find her footing outside of your dynamic. At the end of my marriage, I really resented the fact that my ex didn't really let me go ten years earlier, even though he knew in his heart of hearts that our relationship wasn't enough; instead, he continued to enjoy the benefits of a shared history and companionship that meant more to me than it did to him, and used that to help him come to terms with the complexities of his feelings and to try and mitigate the consequences of his decisions.
posted by pinkacademic at 9:38 AM on July 26, 2015 [29 favorites]
In the aftermath of that breakup (and we shared an apartment by then), we talked and talked and stayed physically close and, in a sense, tried to grieve and process the breakup together until...we got back together.
Ten years, a marriage, and a kiddo later, he found a relationship that he knew deeply and profoundly was "enough" - and it wasn't with me. And then a little later after that, I found a relationship with someone where we both knew deeply and profoundly that it was "enough" (whatever "enough" means, and it means different things for different people - which is to say, I'm not going to comment on whether you're right or wrong to breakup. I tend to think that if you're ambivalent and if you and your partner have different ideas about what makes for a satisfying, meaningful relationship, then it's best to move along). My ex spouse was miserable and guilty for feeling like our relationship wasn't "enough," and I was sad and lonely being with someone who I knew felt like our relationship wasn't "enough."
As hard as it is, I recommend that you go low or no contact now as much as possible and extricate yourself from the relationship to give your girlfriend time to grieve and process and find her footing outside of your dynamic. At the end of my marriage, I really resented the fact that my ex didn't really let me go ten years earlier, even though he knew in his heart of hearts that our relationship wasn't enough; instead, he continued to enjoy the benefits of a shared history and companionship that meant more to me than it did to him, and used that to help him come to terms with the complexities of his feelings and to try and mitigate the consequences of his decisions.
posted by pinkacademic at 9:38 AM on July 26, 2015 [29 favorites]
No, you can't save this relationship now.
She'll be hurt and probably a little angry, or maybe hopeful for a reconciliation, no matter what, because she loves you, and although you care for her, you don't love her back (not really). That's just how it is sometimes. You did the right and fair thing by letting her go to find someone who'll return her affection in equal measure. I wouldn't go on about that now, though. Move out asap (or encourage her to move, but it's easier if you do it), and mostly leave her alone to make her own sense of it.
If you do talk (later), you could maybe say what you said above, that you appreciate who she is and what she offered, think she'll be a wonderful partner for the right person, and wish her the best. (That will be cold comfort to her now, though. But it might help her to know that someone she loved appreciated her qualities.)
posted by cotton dress sock at 9:40 AM on July 26, 2015 [1 favorite]
She'll be hurt and probably a little angry, or maybe hopeful for a reconciliation, no matter what, because she loves you, and although you care for her, you don't love her back (not really). That's just how it is sometimes. You did the right and fair thing by letting her go to find someone who'll return her affection in equal measure. I wouldn't go on about that now, though. Move out asap (or encourage her to move, but it's easier if you do it), and mostly leave her alone to make her own sense of it.
If you do talk (later), you could maybe say what you said above, that you appreciate who she is and what she offered, think she'll be a wonderful partner for the right person, and wish her the best. (That will be cold comfort to her now, though. But it might help her to know that someone she loved appreciated her qualities.)
posted by cotton dress sock at 9:40 AM on July 26, 2015 [1 favorite]
Best answer: this Dear Sugar post is about that nagging feeling: "But there was in me an awful thing, from almost the very beginning: a tiny clear voice that would not, not matter what I did, stop saying go."
I know opinions about it vary, but her advice helped me give myself permission to leave my own (much longer) unfulfilling relationship.
posted by changeling at 10:16 AM on July 26, 2015 [3 favorites]
I know opinions about it vary, but her advice helped me give myself permission to leave my own (much longer) unfulfilling relationship.
posted by changeling at 10:16 AM on July 26, 2015 [3 favorites]
I don't think it can be salvaged in terms of getting back together, no. It can be salvaged in that you can both think back on it as a positive experience, remember it fondly and maybe even be friends in the future.
I think you need to give her some space and avoid contact with her for a while. Be clear that you are doing this otherwise it might look like you are just cutting her dead and don't care, which will be salt in the wound. She may have something to say/ask before you go "no contact", listen to her and answer her questions but at some point close the topic forever. Don't say or do anything ambiguous, don't give her false hope or mess her around. You've made your decision now, stick to it and don't let it get messy.
posted by intensitymultiply at 10:28 AM on July 26, 2015 [2 favorites]
I think you need to give her some space and avoid contact with her for a while. Be clear that you are doing this otherwise it might look like you are just cutting her dead and don't care, which will be salt in the wound. She may have something to say/ask before you go "no contact", listen to her and answer her questions but at some point close the topic forever. Don't say or do anything ambiguous, don't give her false hope or mess her around. You've made your decision now, stick to it and don't let it get messy.
posted by intensitymultiply at 10:28 AM on July 26, 2015 [2 favorites]
Best answer: You're not "the bad guy" -- you've done the right thing. You still care deeply for her, but the feeling that something is missing wouldn't go away if you called off the break-up. She's terribly sad and may feel angry as well, and things could be very difficult for her for quite some time. If you stay in contact with her, you'll just make it worse and prolong her pain. She needs to built her life again.
One thing that doesn't get talked about much is how hard a break-up can be for the person who chooses to leave. You're just beginning to experience a profound loss on many levels. Just like her, you have to gradually assemble a new life and a new sense of self. Naturally, your thoughts turn to her. You need to remind yourself that splitting up was necessary and that things would have become worse if you'd stayed.
Look to the future. This can be quite hard, as well. Dry to do things that catch your interest, challenge you, or give you pleasure. It doesn't need to be "important" stuff like travel, making new friends, or jumping into a new hobby. The music you listen to, something to read, what you eat, taking the long way when you drive someplace.
posted by wryly at 11:24 AM on July 26, 2015 [2 favorites]
One thing that doesn't get talked about much is how hard a break-up can be for the person who chooses to leave. You're just beginning to experience a profound loss on many levels. Just like her, you have to gradually assemble a new life and a new sense of self. Naturally, your thoughts turn to her. You need to remind yourself that splitting up was necessary and that things would have become worse if you'd stayed.
Look to the future. This can be quite hard, as well. Dry to do things that catch your interest, challenge you, or give you pleasure. It doesn't need to be "important" stuff like travel, making new friends, or jumping into a new hobby. The music you listen to, something to read, what you eat, taking the long way when you drive someplace.
posted by wryly at 11:24 AM on July 26, 2015 [2 favorites]
"Let yourself be the bad guy" doesn't mean that you are a bad person, just that she may need to think of you that way for a while and you need to let her do so (assuming she doesn't become abusive). A lot of people get uncomfortable with the anger and sadness they cause when they initiate a break-up and end up trying to soothe their own ego by asking their now-ex to make them feel better about themselves, rather than just giving the ex space and time to process the break-up on their own.
posted by jaguar at 12:12 PM on July 26, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by jaguar at 12:12 PM on July 26, 2015 [3 favorites]
Best answer: Yeah, "be the bad guy" means dealing with the fact that you have done something that has made someone else unhappy. That is life, that is a thing we have to do as partners and parents and employers/ees and people in general, and the right thing to do is not find somewhere else to stash the blame but to take responsibility. When I want to quit a job, I give notice and try to hand off my work appropriately, not egg my manager into a fight so I can kick my desk over and walk out and leave all my colleagues scrambling to cover my ass. Same deal.
posted by Lyn Never at 1:10 PM on July 26, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by Lyn Never at 1:10 PM on July 26, 2015 [2 favorites]
1) No more 'physically close.' Nothing more than the kind of hug you would give a dear friend, and even that should be rare. Sex is right out, so is cuddling.
2) One of you needs to move out yesterday if you live together. As the person who initiated the breakup, I generally feel it is incumbent upon you to do the moving out. This may change if e.g. you own the place, you're the only person on the lease, etc.
2) a) If you are living together, separate sleeping quarters starting tonight. Again, as the person that initiated the breakup, you're the one sleeping on the sofa.
3) You cannot and must not be her confidant in this. She needs to turn to people who aren't as deeply involved in the situation. "I'm really sorry I have hurt you. And my answer is final. I don't feel there is any point in continuing this discussion. I still care for you, and that won't change. We just can no longer be in a relationship together."
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 1:53 PM on July 26, 2015 [1 favorite]
2) One of you needs to move out yesterday if you live together. As the person who initiated the breakup, I generally feel it is incumbent upon you to do the moving out. This may change if e.g. you own the place, you're the only person on the lease, etc.
2) a) If you are living together, separate sleeping quarters starting tonight. Again, as the person that initiated the breakup, you're the one sleeping on the sofa.
3) You cannot and must not be her confidant in this. She needs to turn to people who aren't as deeply involved in the situation. "I'm really sorry I have hurt you. And my answer is final. I don't feel there is any point in continuing this discussion. I still care for you, and that won't change. We just can no longer be in a relationship together."
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 1:53 PM on July 26, 2015 [1 favorite]
First - this has been bugging me: you're on a trip and you did this? Why? It doesn't sound like there were any circumstances that would necessitate that you do this right now, especially if you're away from her support network, or if you're in a hotel and she actually can't sleep somewhere else even if she wanted to. Unless you have a good reason for that (and you may, I don't know) please apologize for that, sincerely.
Echoing others, do NOT use her for comfort. Don't even volunteer "this sucks" or "this is hard." Don't explain yourself anymore. There is no reason you can give her that will make her go, "OH, okay, that makes sense, I feel better, whew." And yes, you can't be her confidant either. If she needs to vent let her to a reasonable extent, but all of your responses should be "I'm sorry." There should be NO "You think this is easy for me?!" and no defending a statement like, "You never cared about me, did you?!" There is no helpful response. If it gets to that level, go for a walk.
One of you needs to leave ASAP. If she volunteers to go that's one thing, but if she doesn't have an obvious place to go it doesn't matter whether you don't either, you get to leave temporarily.
Also, and ymmv, but I was there when my ex moved out and I'm glad I was because she had no clue what was hers and what was mine anymore. It was already a contentious break-up (she cheated) and it would have been a lot worse if she'd taken some of my things that she had started to pack.
posted by good lorneing at 2:10 PM on July 26, 2015 [1 favorite]
Echoing others, do NOT use her for comfort. Don't even volunteer "this sucks" or "this is hard." Don't explain yourself anymore. There is no reason you can give her that will make her go, "OH, okay, that makes sense, I feel better, whew." And yes, you can't be her confidant either. If she needs to vent let her to a reasonable extent, but all of your responses should be "I'm sorry." There should be NO "You think this is easy for me?!" and no defending a statement like, "You never cared about me, did you?!" There is no helpful response. If it gets to that level, go for a walk.
One of you needs to leave ASAP. If she volunteers to go that's one thing, but if she doesn't have an obvious place to go it doesn't matter whether you don't either, you get to leave temporarily.
Also, and ymmv, but I was there when my ex moved out and I'm glad I was because she had no clue what was hers and what was mine anymore. It was already a contentious break-up (she cheated) and it would have been a lot worse if she'd taken some of my things that she had started to pack.
posted by good lorneing at 2:10 PM on July 26, 2015 [1 favorite]
Best answer: As someone who just had someone else pull the crappy, irresponsible version of this on them:
You need to leave, now. You say you're on a trip. You need to make arrangements not to be on a trip with her anymore, and that means you need to be the one to go. You should try to inconvenience her life as little as possible from now on.
STOP being physically affectionate with her. This is super-unfair, because you are giving her the signals that you are still a couple. You are not. You chose to opt out of that, so please don't take advantage of the fact she's feeling alone by trying to 'comfort' her physically. I hate that phrase about cows and milk, but there's truth to it: when you give up the cow, you get your milk supply cut off, whether that's sex, companionship, physical affection, or whatever.
If she opens relationship renegotiation, stick to your guns. Be kind but clear, and initiate no-contact as soon as it's feasible. Tell her you understand you both need space and you respect that.
I'm sorry. It totally sucks for both of you. But in some ways, you've got the actual bulk of the work work of the breakup, because you are the one to leave. Please, please don't make her do that part.
You're not a terrible person, and you didn't do a bad thing, but you have got to accept that you chose to walk away from this person and you are choosing to give up everything that comes with that, up to and including the possibility of being friends with her in the future. That's fine, it sounds like it was a good call to make, but part of owning up to your choice is doing the hard work of your own to separate yourself from her. You did the right thing, it sounds like, but that doesn't make it easy.
Lastly, please get therapy so you don't do this to anyone else ever again. If you have nagging doubts from day one, it should not take you three years to figure out how to deal with them.
posted by WidgetAlley at 6:53 PM on July 26, 2015 [9 favorites]
You need to leave, now. You say you're on a trip. You need to make arrangements not to be on a trip with her anymore, and that means you need to be the one to go. You should try to inconvenience her life as little as possible from now on.
STOP being physically affectionate with her. This is super-unfair, because you are giving her the signals that you are still a couple. You are not. You chose to opt out of that, so please don't take advantage of the fact she's feeling alone by trying to 'comfort' her physically. I hate that phrase about cows and milk, but there's truth to it: when you give up the cow, you get your milk supply cut off, whether that's sex, companionship, physical affection, or whatever.
If she opens relationship renegotiation, stick to your guns. Be kind but clear, and initiate no-contact as soon as it's feasible. Tell her you understand you both need space and you respect that.
I'm sorry. It totally sucks for both of you. But in some ways, you've got the actual bulk of the work work of the breakup, because you are the one to leave. Please, please don't make her do that part.
You're not a terrible person, and you didn't do a bad thing, but you have got to accept that you chose to walk away from this person and you are choosing to give up everything that comes with that, up to and including the possibility of being friends with her in the future. That's fine, it sounds like it was a good call to make, but part of owning up to your choice is doing the hard work of your own to separate yourself from her. You did the right thing, it sounds like, but that doesn't make it easy.
Lastly, please get therapy so you don't do this to anyone else ever again. If you have nagging doubts from day one, it should not take you three years to figure out how to deal with them.
posted by WidgetAlley at 6:53 PM on July 26, 2015 [9 favorites]
Best answer: It is very hard to tell someone you care about a truth that both hurts and distances, but it does not make you "bad." Finally being honest about what you are capable of and what you want is not "bad." And saying, "I cannot love you enough" is not "bad."
In fact your previous behavior, staying with someone who you were so unsure about for such a long time and therefore not allowing either of you to look for even better companionship while enjoying what ever perks made up for it was much more damaging.
So keep doing "good." Follow the advice above. Be firm, be fair, be true to yourself and therefore to your ex. It is ok to be sad, or confused, or need comfort - you just did something big! We, the internet, are proud of you and support you! We support you by recommending that you get the hell out of that apartment and start this new part of your life. Do it for both of you. The quicker you pull off the band-aid, the less it will hurt. Good luck.
posted by mutt.cyberspace at 8:29 PM on July 26, 2015 [1 favorite]
In fact your previous behavior, staying with someone who you were so unsure about for such a long time and therefore not allowing either of you to look for even better companionship while enjoying what ever perks made up for it was much more damaging.
So keep doing "good." Follow the advice above. Be firm, be fair, be true to yourself and therefore to your ex. It is ok to be sad, or confused, or need comfort - you just did something big! We, the internet, are proud of you and support you! We support you by recommending that you get the hell out of that apartment and start this new part of your life. Do it for both of you. The quicker you pull off the band-aid, the less it will hurt. Good luck.
posted by mutt.cyberspace at 8:29 PM on July 26, 2015 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Hey, my ex of six years did this to me just over a year ago. I felt so broken and lost, and then just when I was putting the pieces back together, I met the man of my dreams, and next year I will be marrying him. Without even trying, he's showed me what a great relationship really feels like. It's so awesome.
So just to swing the perspective round the other way, your ex is going to be ok. Feel shitty if you need to, because it's a shitty time for you both - it's sad and change is hard. But she's going to be ok, in fact she's going to be better than ok because being in a relationship that's not quite right is not great for anyone.
And you'll be ok too. Do this thing that you need to do. Do it kindly and respectfully, and you'll both be ok.
posted by greenish at 6:26 AM on July 27, 2015 [1 favorite]
So just to swing the perspective round the other way, your ex is going to be ok. Feel shitty if you need to, because it's a shitty time for you both - it's sad and change is hard. But she's going to be ok, in fact she's going to be better than ok because being in a relationship that's not quite right is not great for anyone.
And you'll be ok too. Do this thing that you need to do. Do it kindly and respectfully, and you'll both be ok.
posted by greenish at 6:26 AM on July 27, 2015 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
You have to let yourself be the bad guy. You can't break up with her and also be the source of her comfort.
Move out ASAP. Go no contact as much as you can. (With a three year relationship I realize this is pretty unrealistic so and there will probably be a few "conversations" in the future, however, honestly try to avoid this as much as possible.)
posted by quincunx at 9:19 AM on July 26, 2015 [23 favorites]