How to get over a nasty breakup

February 24, 2008 7:26 AM

I need some advice for getting over an ugly break-up for a rather sketchy relationship.

It was pretty sketchy from the start; I started dating this girl who was living with her ex right after she slept with another guy and the ex did know about it. Anyway, it turns out the her ex is pretty OK with our relationship; he's a really good and understanding guy. All good, supposedly.

My gf however has second thoughts about not talking to that guy she slept with anymore. Being the understanding -and the foolish- guy, I tell her she can go talk to him and be done with it. She says OK. They go to dinner together, all fine.

Two-three weeks later, I find, entirely randomly, that they actually slept together. It was her who told me but I was merely joking about something and she said "Oh yeah I did have sex with him that day". It was a huge fight but I let it go, after a while. I loved her still and trusted her.

So after a while, our relationship turns into a long distance one because it has to. We decided to break up on friendly terms beforehand but never got around to doing it. We talk every single day for hours; not as lovers maybe but still. But then she sleeps with basically the first guy she meets at her new job. Then I stopped talking to her because I was hurt and extremely angry.

Our relationship lasted for 8 months. And the break up happened 4 months ago. What concerns me is that I am still not over her. I still find myself thinking about her. Basically, it is like I am trying to make myself suffer; everything I look at reminds me of something about her. It's not like I miss her but it's just there, nerving me.

The bigger problem is it was my first serious relationship and I feel I am scarred for life. I had some trust issues after the cheating and now I only think that they will stay with me forever. And the break up was extremely devastating for me; I started on things that took me a while to quit and had huge impact on my academic life. I am now back on my feet but I honestly do not feel like I can endure another episode like that in my life; I was pretty close to hurting myself.

I know it's lengthy and not my best piece of writing but I think I wanted to open up to an entirely anonymous community and would gladly appreciate some advice. Thanks hive mind.

posted by the_dude to human relations (29 comments total)

Honey, take one giant step backward and try and see this thing with a little perspective. You were not in love with her, you are in love with the idea of her, the idea of a wonderful girlfriend who cares about you. There is no shame in wanting that in your life, but that girl was not the girl. She didn't care about you and you are well to be rid of someone who didn't value you. Hold on to that part that wants a decent relationship, but hold back a little bit next time to see if the girl is worth your trust and adoration. Good luck.
posted by 45moore45 at 7:36 AM on February 24, 2008 [3 favorites has favorites]

Take it as a learning experience. All those behaviors that she exhibited which lead to your heartbreak you should now consider to be huge red flags in future relationships. If you're not comfortable with a girl hanging out with her previous boyfriends, you have to tell her, "I'm sorry, I don't find that to be acceptable." She of course would have every right to continue doing so, but then you have every right to dump her. You have to be comfortable with the relationship before you can develop trust.

I've been in your situation before, and the simple fact is that you need to change your mind about this girl by force of self-will. It should be absolutely revolting to you that you would let such a person denigrate your self-esteem and and your future relationships. You have to embrace your loathing. Once you can do that, you have to see beyond what a completely horrible human being she was, and that she did nothing but fuck with your head. With that in mind, you know what you should be watching out for in future girlfriends, and you now know where to draw the line in future relationships.

When I was in a situation like yours, I carried her with me for a long time afterwards, wondering what was wrong with me that things could have gotten so incredibly fucked up. I blamed myself. But you can't, because it has nothing to do with you. She would have gone on and done the exact same things regardless of whether or not you were in the picture. You just got caught in this woman's tornado and you're making yourself suffer for it. Stop. I almost didn't ask out the woman who eventually became my wife because I was still so insecure about everything that had happened, but I realized that I couldn't let the pain someone else inflicted on me control my life. Good luck.
posted by baphomet at 7:37 AM on February 24, 2008 [6 favorites has favorites]

As someone who was "scarred for life" re: cheaters, trust me, you'll be fine. Just give it time.
posted by awesomebrad at 7:45 AM on February 24, 2008

You don't have to be scarred for life, I think you will come out ahead in this situation. This is your first serious relationship, and you already know what to stay away from. It's not easy, but you need to look for other women...just as friends if need be. Once you open yourself up and get to know someone, chances are your thoughts and feelings will switch from the old flame to the new one. I have a friend who is dealing with this on a lesser scale-he can't give up on a girl no matter how poorly she treats him-he actually enjoys being treated like dirt by girls...do yourself a favor and realize this girl isn't good for you and try your hardest to move on.
posted by whiskey point at 7:45 AM on February 24, 2008

First relationships (or first serious relationships) should go badly. And in a variety of ways. So you know the limits of your feelings, and what you really need from other people romantically.

Spin it as a learning experience. It's a blessing in a way.

And - scar is such a negative word, isn't it? Things like this change us permanently but we get to choose the shape and meaning of those lasting effects. (I'm saying this as somebody who for a long time ended up in relationships with cheaters, quasi-cheaters, and their ilk).
posted by mammary16 at 8:32 AM on February 24, 2008 [2 favorites has favorites]

You'll be fine. You can't think of her this way yet, but, as her behavior indicates, she's basically a two-faced whore. Don't feel too bad about "losing" a person that manipulates you and wastes your time.
posted by Inspector.Gadget at 8:37 AM on February 24, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

What 45moore45 said.

She's not the last woman on Earth, there will be plenty of opportunities to date girls who don't use people and lie to them.

Though if the breakup's affecting your ability to function in your daily life, perhaps you should seek counseling to get though this period.
posted by deinemutti at 8:44 AM on February 24, 2008

The above advice is all pretty good and you should pay is serious attention. But first you need to do two things in this order: get a VD test because that girl strikes me as being a whore, and reevaluate your decision making process for finding the right girl because honestly you picked a terrible one last time.

Other then that I ought to remind you that the end of the first serious relationship is always the worst its a new feeling for you, and you dont have any perspective on it, so I would just tell you that it happens to everyone and time will make it better, I promise. So, you absolutely need to get this girl out of your head, and out of your life. Get rid of things that specifically remind you of her, and never initiate contact with her or acknowledge her again in your life. Furthermore, I can promise you there are about 3 billion other women out there most of whom are far better then this chick and you will probably find several over the course of your life so dont sweat it.
posted by BobbyDigital at 8:54 AM on February 24, 2008

Long-distance relationship? Out of sight, out of mind, and meet some new people. Go to a stationery store and ask a cute girl where the pencils are. Also, you might watch Peter Greenaway's "The Pillow Book" for a little perspective on being "scarred for life" by your relationship experiences.
posted by rhizome at 9:00 AM on February 24, 2008

Write.

Every day, force yourself to write at least 3 pages about yourself, your day, your life, your feelings - anything that's on your mind.

As you reread the words, you will gain a better, and more objective, perspective on your thought processes, and their defects. Even a minor distance from the immediacy of your emotions can help sort them out.

It isn't a quick fix, BTW, but it should speed things up considerably.
posted by IAmBroom at 10:09 AM on February 24, 2008 [3 favorites has favorites]

I would really advise you not to think of this girl as a "two faced whore" or to, in any way, apply such a negative spin to what happened. It sounds to me like you met a girl, started dating her, she continued to see another guy briefly but then stopped and was with you. Were you excelusive when she slept with the old flame? Don't assume she "must have known", really think back- had you talked about it? So you continued to date briefly then you moved away and by your own admission you both watned to break up and did not consider each other lovers anymore: after which she met someone else and slept with him . You were not together! In fact, you moved away, left her then continued to lead her on by talking to her on the phone every day for hours, although you did not consider her your lover anymore. What is she supposed to do? Wait years till you decide to come back?

This was clearly traumatic for you but you need to be realistic about your actions, your communication, your choice to be with her knowing she had more liberal sexual mores than you, the circumstance under which she "cheated" (if she did because it is not clear she considered herself your gf either time). Simply labeling her a whore and a mistake and vowing to only spend time on women who are entirely worthy of you pretty much guarantees more disastrous relationships.
posted by fshgrl at 10:30 AM on February 24, 2008 [5 favorites has favorites]

I would jus tlike to add that maybe she initiated a relationship with this new guy to force an ending with you. It is not healthy to spend months in a long distance are-we-or-aren't-we situation.
posted by fshgrl at 10:31 AM on February 24, 2008

Scarred, no. Changed, yes. You can't help but be changed by failed relationships. Give yourself time and don't be afraid to meet other girls. I understand completely feeling trust issues. I found out a week and a half before my wedding day that my fiance was cheating. You don't think I was pretty fucking gun shy after that? I didn't have much in the way of serious relationships for a long time. But when the right one came along, I made sure that person knew (when the time was right, mind you, not the first date) that I had been seriously hurt and trust was something I had to work on. Not as an excuse! But so that person would understand me and my reactions to certain things better. And slowly we've worked through it.
posted by CwgrlUp at 11:30 AM on February 24, 2008

To me, the sense of lost innocence, great pain, and general bewilderment reminds me of the breakups with my first two boyfriends (at age 17 & 21). You will learn from this and move on to much better relationships, or at least relationships that you have much more perspective on. Also, don't worry too much about still being in pain after 4 months. For both of those early relationships, it took me about a year to feel better.

Also, listen to fshgrl -- she's exactly right. There is much less scarring if you don't develop a good person vs. bad person outlook on what happened. (I know from trying it both ways.) You will learn a lot more by thinking through how you contributed to the situation or what you could have done to prevent it.

For example:
"So after a while, our relationship turns into a long distance one because it has to. We decided to break up on friendly terms beforehand but never got around to doing it. We talk every single day for hours; not as lovers maybe but still."

Lesson learned: If I want someone not to sleep with other people, I need to make clear a) we are in a relationship as lovers, and b) I am at the point where I want this to be an exclusive relationship (ie, not the very early phase of dating where people may still be dating others as well).
posted by salvia at 12:25 PM on February 24, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

Just to clarify a few points;

I never thought of her as a whore or anything of that sort. We shared incredible amount of stuff in common; even before started dating her I knew I made a good friend by meeting her. And I knew from the start that she had more liberal sexual morals than I did. In fact, she has a pretty interesting history in those terms and I think most of are connected to her having some daddy issues and being a little shy.

Nevertheless, I do not agree that it was my fault that she cheated on me. I was exclusive, she was not. She knew she was my gf. When I asked her what she had been thinking when she slept with that guy her answer was along the lines of "I thought you'd never ask.". She simply never understood that I would actually get mad about this. And this coming from a girl who cut herself when I wanted to spend a night with a guy friend. And a girl who got mad at me because a very very hot girl -I'm really not that attractive- gave me her number and invited me to her place which I declined.

I want to learn some lessons but I am afraid I will be learning some that will have a negative effect on my future.

Also;

I really do not want to see the counseling people available at the school because when she was my gf and had second thoughts about that guy; she asked them for advice. They, to their credit, did not tell her to go sleep with him but they said something like "well as long as you keep everyone in the know, it should fine". So I kind of blame those people although I know it's not their fault.

And I did not leave her; we knew from the start that she'd have to go when she finished school -she was an upperclassman-.

The funniest part is, the guy who she cheated on me with now actually got a job in the same city as her. That's just weird.

I do not believe god exists but devil most certainly does.
posted by the_dude at 12:57 PM on February 24, 2008

Nevertheless, I do not agree that it was my fault that she cheated on me. I was exclusive, she was not. She knew she was my gf.

I don't understand this. If she wasn't exclusively dating you, then she wasn't your girlfriend and she did not cheat on you. You cannot force someone to be monogamous just because you are.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 1:14 PM on February 24, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

What I mean is we were supposed to be exclusive.
posted by the_dude at 1:49 PM on February 24, 2008

we were supposed to be exclusive.

And -- just to clarify -- did she agree that you guys were exclusive? Was that what she wanted? Or was it just something you kinda pushed into the situation?

I want to learn some lessons but I am afraid I will be learning some that will have a negative effect on my future.

What do you mean by this?

I really do not want to see the counseling people available at the school because when she was my gf and had second thoughts about that guy; she asked them for advice. They, to their credit, did not tell her to go sleep with him but they said something like "well as long as you keep everyone in the know, it should fine". So I kind of blame those people although I know it's not their fault.

It sounds like you might not have gotten the full story of what they said. Plus, there are probably many counselors there, so it wouldn't be like you'd be dealing with the same one.
posted by salvia at 2:04 PM on February 24, 2008

And -- just to clarify -- did she agree that you guys were exclusive? Was that what she wanted? Or was it just something you kinda pushed into the situation?

yes. it was pretty clear. she knew and told me it was a mistake but thought i should not linger on it.

I want to learn some lessons but I am afraid I will be learning some that will have a negative effect on my future.

i don't want to learn lessons such as "people are not trustworthy".

It sounds like you might not have gotten the full story of what they said. Plus, there are probably many counselors there, so it wouldn't be like you'd be dealing with the same one.

that's true but i'm still avoiding that place for a while. I don't know many people who had good experiences there.
posted by the_dude at 2:21 PM on February 24, 2008

the_dude, I was responding to some of the comments that seemed to be encouraging you to label your ex a whore in your mind to help you get over her. Yes, the relationship creashed and burned and it hurts but trust me on this, there were good things about your ex too, things that you liked enough to make the effort to be with her. Labeling her "evil" or thinking of the whole thing as a mistake negates the good feelings that you had about the relationship, and those good, loving, caring feelings are the ones you want to be focused on as you move on andlook for a new partner. You don't want to be flashing back to fear, revenge, anger or control.

Every relationship is a leap in the dark for both parties. Sometimes you land on a soft pillow, and sometimes you land in a mud puddle. Try to be a pillow and not a mud puddle ;)
posted by fshgrl at 2:30 PM on February 24, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

i don't want to learn lessons such as "people are not trustworthy".

Oh, okay, yeah, I understand. That's smart.
posted by salvia at 2:49 PM on February 24, 2008

It hurts for a while. Not forcing yourself to get over it, or act like you're over it, will be the most beneficial in the long run because undoubtedly your true feelings will resurface time and time again until you acknowledge, Yes i'm hurt and let that process instead of putting on a happy face and suppressing the feelings.
posted by PinkButterfly at 4:16 PM on February 24, 2008

You are suffering from the fallacy of vividness. The fact that these powerful feelings are facing you now doesn't mean that you are always going to feel this way in every relationship.

Look for something now that isn't related to this that you don't want to think about. This means that you are trying to plug a problem you can address with one that you can't fix.
posted by Ironmouth at 6:12 PM on February 24, 2008

This is exactly what happened to me one year ago, and that is also exactly how I dealt with it.

Ironmouth is also absolutely correct that it is misleading vividness behind those thoughts of hopelessness.

And finally, the answer by fshgrl that you marked as best, is indeed valuable information. Knowledge garnered thus far:

1) Some people are dishonest and terrible.
2) Forget about them.
3) Other people out there are like you, honest and good.

So don't lose hope.
posted by crunch buttsteak at 10:45 AM on February 25, 2008 [2 favorites has favorites]

The Dude,

Been right there. Do yourself a favor--listen to Baphomet and not the open relationship lobby, who would have you believe you're not entitled to loyalty 101 without entering into some sort of pre-nuptial contract formalizing your exclusivity.

People can rationalize doing anything to anyone. But it's reasonable to expect to be loved instead of cheated on, and and you're obviously reeling from seeing how untrustworthy people can be, close-up. You won't be scarred for life, though. This lesson may not have come cheap, but you've gotten a priceless lesson in what danger signs to look out for in finding a nice person. When you do find someone with a heart instead of an excuse, the difference is gonna be amazing!
posted by johngoren at 10:46 AM on February 25, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

Learning experience, give it time, write. All good.

I was divorced a few years ago, and it just sucked. I thought I had no future. I might have given up but for three things: my writing, my band, and my friends. I escaped into fantasy via my writing; I rid myself of aggressions and misery through my music; and I talked to my friends.

It worked. Today I am in a wonderful relationship with a caring, giving woman, and happier than I've been in years.

You'll survive. Rely on your friends. They love you, they won't judge you.
posted by Guy_Inamonkeysuit at 12:33 PM on February 25, 2008

One lesson you can take from this is that people don't often change their ways just because they like you.

This girl did not have a lot of regard for the guy she was with before you, in fact she treated him pretty fucking badly.

She then got together with you and pretty much the same thing happened.

It was a huge fight but I let it go, after a while. I loved her still and trusted her.

You see she was still that girl who was not very trustworthy about her boys. She's not committed to monogamy. What she did was cruel, but not really out of character.

It's hard to get over your first relationship, no matter how lousy that person was to us.
As for the scar tissue, relax, scars look cool.
next time you'll know not to let yourself get cut so deep.
And one day you'll find somebody who won't cut you at all.
(unless you're into that :)
posted by French Fry at 1:00 PM on February 25, 2008

That's the problem with calling a relationship "serious".

For the record, just because you sleep with someone, it doesn't mean you're automatically monogamous and "serious". It's a fucked up situation, because you usually can't just ask "so are we serious now" and get an answer that you can trust, so just be aware in the future that people don't know what they really feel in the heat of the moment, and will tell you all kinds of things that they may not really believe. You'll tell people those things too, and they'll be all hurt when they figure out it's not true. All this hurt could be stopped by recognizing that our biology occasionally makes us traitors to what is socially defined as the right thing to do, and perhaps the problem isn't the biology but the social norm, but I've written at length about this in other posts and won't elaborate further here.

Life's a huge and enormous thing and so is love. To expect someone to love only you and no one else is a huge thing, which makes it all the more wonderful when it actually happens, but by no means should you ever expect it on the basis of some physical interaction you had.
posted by Mr. Gunn at 5:31 PM on February 25, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

The_dude, disregard this if I'm misunderstanding your situation. You've said you were clearly together, so if you were not in some "yeah, we broke up but we're still talking as friends" phase, and you two had clearly decided to stay together, then ignore all this.

We decided to break up on friendly terms beforehand but never got around to doing it. We talk...not as lovers maybe but still...

What some don't seem to realize ("the open relationship lobby... be loved instead of cheated on") is that most of the discussion above was to clarify that if two people break up, it's not even called "cheating," it's called "moving on with her life."

If both people agree that they should be single or just friends, even if they are still talking, then there is no such thing as "cheating." It's not polyamorous or even legalistic to talk to someone, decide not to be together, and then move forward based on that decision. If they move on in some way you're unprepared for, sure it's upsetting; the situation was probably upsetting for both parties. But when people agree to break up, that's the way it goes.
posted by salvia at 1:12 PM on February 26, 2008