Judge My OKCupid Profile!
July 9, 2015 9:54 PM Subscribe
After getting out of a long relationship, I relit my OKCupid profile. And the response has been essentially nonexistent. Can you point to anything that I'm doing wrong?
Here is my profile. I live in a college town where there are a lot of nerdy people. I like nerdy stuff, but my real thing is more social justice-oreinted (should I talk more about that?). My ideal match would be someone who is in a grad or PhD program, since I think we would have a lot in common to talk about, although I would be open to meeting anyone who shares the same values as me.
Please, go at it. I've been in creative writing workshops so I can deal with brutal criticism.
Here is my profile. I live in a college town where there are a lot of nerdy people. I like nerdy stuff, but my real thing is more social justice-oreinted (should I talk more about that?). My ideal match would be someone who is in a grad or PhD program, since I think we would have a lot in common to talk about, although I would be open to meeting anyone who shares the same values as me.
Please, go at it. I've been in creative writing workshops so I can deal with brutal criticism.
Best answer: It reads like you're a doormat made of sponges. The only things you commit to are Bob's Burgers and maybe Indian Food. Don't feed a guy a sponge, mcmile.
Get someone to take a good picture of you, at the moment you exist in some weird selfie universe with unflattering lighting and variable focus.
I don't know if the "heh my username shows my interests" thing works because if it relates to "assets that lenders hold in exchange for secured debt " I would rather have a witch trial show up on my front door and dunk me in a lake than spend one moment going further with that.
posted by the uncomplicated soups of my childhood at 10:02 PM on July 9, 2015 [17 favorites]
Get someone to take a good picture of you, at the moment you exist in some weird selfie universe with unflattering lighting and variable focus.
I don't know if the "heh my username shows my interests" thing works because if it relates to "assets that lenders hold in exchange for secured debt " I would rather have a witch trial show up on my front door and dunk me in a lake than spend one moment going further with that.
posted by the uncomplicated soups of my childhood at 10:02 PM on July 9, 2015 [17 favorites]
I mean, I might have a good time in the lake.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I only learned how to ice skate this year. Because I needed an extra course credit and I was already weighed down with work. So I took a skating class. It was fun. It would be great if there was outdoor skating somewhere around here but I haven't heard of any places.
Good lord, scour your soul why don't you! Ice skating! Golly!
It's cute - that's a fun activity for people to do. If that's your deepest secret to reveal I look forward to Scrabble night.
You should message me if You like trying new foods, going to new places, checking out new art installations. Stuff like that.
Everything else in your profile suggests these are things you do not like to do. "Stuff like that" is "do whatever" which ends up as "watch TV."
posted by the uncomplicated soups of my childhood at 10:10 PM on July 9, 2015 [2 favorites]
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I only learned how to ice skate this year. Because I needed an extra course credit and I was already weighed down with work. So I took a skating class. It was fun. It would be great if there was outdoor skating somewhere around here but I haven't heard of any places.
Good lord, scour your soul why don't you! Ice skating! Golly!
It's cute - that's a fun activity for people to do. If that's your deepest secret to reveal I look forward to Scrabble night.
You should message me if You like trying new foods, going to new places, checking out new art installations. Stuff like that.
Everything else in your profile suggests these are things you do not like to do. "Stuff like that" is "do whatever" which ends up as "watch TV."
posted by the uncomplicated soups of my childhood at 10:10 PM on July 9, 2015 [2 favorites]
Best answer: You come across as very passive, very ... almost non-existent. I'm sure you're not like that. Don't try to be so general that you appeal to everyone, nobody is for everyone. Just someone. Say who you are, look for someone.
posted by The Noble Goofy Elk at 10:13 PM on July 9, 2015 [6 favorites]
posted by The Noble Goofy Elk at 10:13 PM on July 9, 2015 [6 favorites]
The pictures look gloomy. You mention your world having shrunk and that you don't know whether something is worth going to in a way that sounds a little desperate (someone tell me!). You're not able to carry out your goal of getting organized and kinda dwell on it. The combined impression I get is someone kind of unhappy with their life, maybe a little morose or depressed right now. That's just how this comes across, not saying it's true.
posted by salvia at 10:15 PM on July 9, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by salvia at 10:15 PM on July 9, 2015 [3 favorites]
Also, change the plaid shirt picture to your main photo.
posted by The Noble Goofy Elk at 10:15 PM on July 9, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by The Noble Goofy Elk at 10:15 PM on July 9, 2015 [2 favorites]
What are you genuinely passionate about?
posted by dvrmmr at 10:50 PM on July 9, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by dvrmmr at 10:50 PM on July 9, 2015 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Wow. Ok, your photos are really not great. They are, in order: dark and slightly scary; institutional & sarcastic; overexposed and a bit pouty; nice pic but blurry. The only one in which you look like you're having any fun at all is the last one. So maybe get a friend to do some different pics for you. It's summer, try something outside instead of the cinderblock wall. (Maybe it's just me but they bring back awful dorm room memories.)
Your profile comes across as tentative and negative. The people are wonderful but. Your world has shrunk. Lazy. Not good at. Everything you are supposedly really good at you then undermine with qualifiers like "pretty" "ok", "despite". You apparently can make chilli, but you don't seem very enthusiastic about it. You're "terribly" skinny. You don't have time to read. "If you had to choose" implies you aren't very good at choosing or don't like to. Ditto with your Friday night descriptions - although it's great that you talk about it being good food night, the rest is very half-hearted (and includes an activity you said you don't have time for). You liked ice skating but haven't bothered to find out if there are any places to ice skate. And yeah, reasons to message you do not convince me because the rest of your profile makes me think you would come up with a half-hearted excuse not to go to the art installation or doing anything new. And stuff!
It seems like you are waiting for someone to come and infuse you with their enthusiasm, knowledge, sense of fun, give you new things to explore, generally take you in hand and sort your personal life out for you. You sound passive, tentative and passionless. It would be really hard to feel like you were going to be a good person to date because you seem so unenthusiastic about everything in your life. A potential date would not only want to be interested in you, but would want some indication that you would find them interesting as well. Otherwise why bother?
Have another bash at it. If you are actually really passionate about houses, don't describe them as "neat". What do you like? Architecture? The way the windows and doors make them look like faces? The way you can tell a bit about the people who live there by looking at the house? What? Think about some things you are actually good at, some good things about yourself, or at least some things that you can feel definite about and describe in definite terms instead of wishy-washiness.
And if the username thing is an attempt to weed out people who are too dumb to get it, yeah, that could be a thing too. That's how it comes across, and not just because I had to look it up (and once I did, it really made me wonder what it says about you that you think it belongs on a dating profile - do you think of relationships as property investments? Bleurgh).
Sorry, I realise this probably sounds very harsh. The fact you're on MetaFilter plus the stuff you describe above is more interesting than anything currently in your profile, so I'm convinced you can do better!
posted by Athanassiel at 10:51 PM on July 9, 2015 [16 favorites]
Your profile comes across as tentative and negative. The people are wonderful but. Your world has shrunk. Lazy. Not good at. Everything you are supposedly really good at you then undermine with qualifiers like "pretty" "ok", "despite". You apparently can make chilli, but you don't seem very enthusiastic about it. You're "terribly" skinny. You don't have time to read. "If you had to choose" implies you aren't very good at choosing or don't like to. Ditto with your Friday night descriptions - although it's great that you talk about it being good food night, the rest is very half-hearted (and includes an activity you said you don't have time for). You liked ice skating but haven't bothered to find out if there are any places to ice skate. And yeah, reasons to message you do not convince me because the rest of your profile makes me think you would come up with a half-hearted excuse not to go to the art installation or doing anything new. And stuff!
It seems like you are waiting for someone to come and infuse you with their enthusiasm, knowledge, sense of fun, give you new things to explore, generally take you in hand and sort your personal life out for you. You sound passive, tentative and passionless. It would be really hard to feel like you were going to be a good person to date because you seem so unenthusiastic about everything in your life. A potential date would not only want to be interested in you, but would want some indication that you would find them interesting as well. Otherwise why bother?
Have another bash at it. If you are actually really passionate about houses, don't describe them as "neat". What do you like? Architecture? The way the windows and doors make them look like faces? The way you can tell a bit about the people who live there by looking at the house? What? Think about some things you are actually good at, some good things about yourself, or at least some things that you can feel definite about and describe in definite terms instead of wishy-washiness.
And if the username thing is an attempt to weed out people who are too dumb to get it, yeah, that could be a thing too. That's how it comes across, and not just because I had to look it up (and once I did, it really made me wonder what it says about you that you think it belongs on a dating profile - do you think of relationships as property investments? Bleurgh).
Sorry, I realise this probably sounds very harsh. The fact you're on MetaFilter plus the stuff you describe above is more interesting than anything currently in your profile, so I'm convinced you can do better!
posted by Athanassiel at 10:51 PM on July 9, 2015 [16 favorites]
It was not until I got to the third and fourth photo that I realized-startled- that you are quite good looking. I didn't think so on the first two. Definitely change the pics.
I agree with others that you come across as very passive and are saying mostly negative things to say about yourself. Get into a thorough rework of it and bring it back to us!
posted by SLC Mom at 10:56 PM on July 9, 2015 [10 favorites]
I agree with others that you come across as very passive and are saying mostly negative things to say about yourself. Get into a thorough rework of it and bring it back to us!
posted by SLC Mom at 10:56 PM on July 9, 2015 [10 favorites]
Some suggestions:
- better lighted picture, smiling.
- add the social justice stuff you've done and what you're interested in now.
- explain your username or change it. Liens are bad things.
- for every element that's negative (haven't gotten around to this or that, was weighed down with work, haven't heard of places to skate, one of these days you'll get organized, etc) either take it out completely or rephrase in a positive way. "I'd love to find a place to skate" would be fine. "I'm trying to find time to read more because I love literature" would be fine -- omit the bonerkiller "disappointing." Honestly I'd take out the bit about getting organized, altogether. There's nothing attractive about it-- heck, even "I'm super organized!!" wouldn't be all that attractive! This isn't about your desk at work.
- explain about the house thing. "Neat" is nonsensical in this context. Go ahead and say what you mean.
Good luck!
posted by fingersandtoes at 10:57 PM on July 9, 2015 [2 favorites]
- better lighted picture, smiling.
- add the social justice stuff you've done and what you're interested in now.
- explain your username or change it. Liens are bad things.
- for every element that's negative (haven't gotten around to this or that, was weighed down with work, haven't heard of places to skate, one of these days you'll get organized, etc) either take it out completely or rephrase in a positive way. "I'd love to find a place to skate" would be fine. "I'm trying to find time to read more because I love literature" would be fine -- omit the bonerkiller "disappointing." Honestly I'd take out the bit about getting organized, altogether. There's nothing attractive about it-- heck, even "I'm super organized!!" wouldn't be all that attractive! This isn't about your desk at work.
- explain about the house thing. "Neat" is nonsensical in this context. Go ahead and say what you mean.
Good luck!
posted by fingersandtoes at 10:57 PM on July 9, 2015 [2 favorites]
Best answer: The people are wonderful, but you know, I've begun to feel like my world has shrunk to the confines of the program. It would be nice to get outside.
This is an "inside voice" truth you've made public, maybe in the way of apology for feeling out of touch with culture (given later comments), because of the demands of your studies? Don't apologize - stay positive all the way. You've been "focused", and now you're excited to explore your new city, etc. That's as far as you have to go, for explanations.
Don't underplay your interests or knowledge, it's ok to put your real self out there.
2nd more/better pics (taken by others), and 2nd the plaid shirt pic from this set, you look like a rock star in that one. (Like a specific rock star, even, wish I could remember which.)
posted by cotton dress sock at 11:01 PM on July 9, 2015 [1 favorite]
This is an "inside voice" truth you've made public, maybe in the way of apology for feeling out of touch with culture (given later comments), because of the demands of your studies? Don't apologize - stay positive all the way. You've been "focused", and now you're excited to explore your new city, etc. That's as far as you have to go, for explanations.
Don't underplay your interests or knowledge, it's ok to put your real self out there.
2nd more/better pics (taken by others), and 2nd the plaid shirt pic from this set, you look like a rock star in that one. (Like a specific rock star, even, wish I could remember which.)
posted by cotton dress sock at 11:01 PM on July 9, 2015 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I think you're really selling yourself short here. Like, I can see the glimmers of the interesting person you probably are, but it's kind of smothered by a heavy glaze of negativity and uncertainty.
What really strikes me is that the negativity surrounding your self-description is so unnecessary. The same attributes can be described so much more positively or humorously. For example, many people are attracted to tall, lanky men, but saying you're "terribly skinny" sounds like you dislike your own body, which...is not really very attractive to anyone. I get the distinct impression you're not very happy, and what's worse, that you don't feel empowered to do anything about a situation you don't like.
Seriously, I'm going to make a list of some the passive and critical things you say about yourself in this profile, not to be mean, but to try to illustrate what a difference framing and attitude makes:
1. I've begun to feel like my world has shrunk to the confines of the program. It would be nice to get outside.
This is phrased like getting outside that world is something that happens to you, not something you make happen. Instead you could say, "I'm passionate about [concentration]; I also believe that life is always enriched by meeting new people with a wide range of interests and perspectives. Let's get coffee and barter our knowledge. I'll tell you about how to survive living somewhere where it rains 300 days of the year and liens [but really, what does that mean?? I have no idea, but it makes me think of mortgages?] for any of your obscure knowledge or life stories!"
2. There are a lot of things around here that I'd like to check out but I have been too lazy. Things like nearby state parks or art galleries or festivals. For example, I missed Ebertfest this year. Is it worth going to? I don't know! Someone tell me!
I think many people want to feel that on some level, their dates are going to bring them new adventures and experiences, as a mutual exchange. The way this sounds, your future SO will have to come up with all the ideas, do all the research, and motivate you to overcome your self-described "laziness." Actually check one of these things off your list and then write something like: "I recently went to State Park for the first time and spent three hours hiking to the top of the mountain. Seeing my city below really gives me a sense of perspective. I am now determined to explore every trail. I'd love to find a hiking buddy to do it with me." Or even, "Have you been to Ebertfest? I want to hear about it!" is more active in expressing your own wishes.
3. Trying to learn things really fast, which I am not good at.
"Trying to keep up with the madcap pace of studying sustainably constructed microhouses in New Zealand" or whatever.
4. I'm pretty calm. I can make chili. I'm OK at trivia night. I actually like public speaking despite the fact that I'm sort of an introvert.
"I'm even tempered. Making chili is my specialty. I like going to trivia nights and know off the top of my head that [What was the weirdest trivia question you knew the answer to? Insert it here]. I am evidence that enjoying public speaking and being an introvert aren't mutually exclusive."
5. Books: I don't have time to read for fun that much these days, which is disappointing because I was an undergrad English person and I really like novels. I manage to sneak one in every now and then. I just read the latest George Saunders. That's not a novel. But still, really good!
Right now it sounds like you're actually disparaging yourself for reading something you enjoyed...because it's not in the genre you enjoy? Try, "I was an English major in undergrad and I really like novels because [insert explanation here]. My favorites are... I just read the latest George Saunders and it was really good!"
Finally, I think your pictures are like a metaphor for the rest of your profile. I can objectively tell you're good looking, but you don't look approachable and the pictures don't lend your viewer any greater sense of your personality/interests. Can you have someone take snap a phone picture of you looking doing some sort of activity? Like smiling over a big plate of Korean food. Taking a walk around your neighborhood. Falling down while ice skating.
That's my $0.02. Good luck, the modern dating profile is a uniquely self-conscious act and I know it can be hard!
posted by erstwhile ungulate at 11:25 PM on July 9, 2015 [12 favorites]
What really strikes me is that the negativity surrounding your self-description is so unnecessary. The same attributes can be described so much more positively or humorously. For example, many people are attracted to tall, lanky men, but saying you're "terribly skinny" sounds like you dislike your own body, which...is not really very attractive to anyone. I get the distinct impression you're not very happy, and what's worse, that you don't feel empowered to do anything about a situation you don't like.
Seriously, I'm going to make a list of some the passive and critical things you say about yourself in this profile, not to be mean, but to try to illustrate what a difference framing and attitude makes:
1. I've begun to feel like my world has shrunk to the confines of the program. It would be nice to get outside.
This is phrased like getting outside that world is something that happens to you, not something you make happen. Instead you could say, "I'm passionate about [concentration]; I also believe that life is always enriched by meeting new people with a wide range of interests and perspectives. Let's get coffee and barter our knowledge. I'll tell you about how to survive living somewhere where it rains 300 days of the year and liens [but really, what does that mean?? I have no idea, but it makes me think of mortgages?] for any of your obscure knowledge or life stories!"
2. There are a lot of things around here that I'd like to check out but I have been too lazy. Things like nearby state parks or art galleries or festivals. For example, I missed Ebertfest this year. Is it worth going to? I don't know! Someone tell me!
I think many people want to feel that on some level, their dates are going to bring them new adventures and experiences, as a mutual exchange. The way this sounds, your future SO will have to come up with all the ideas, do all the research, and motivate you to overcome your self-described "laziness." Actually check one of these things off your list and then write something like: "I recently went to State Park for the first time and spent three hours hiking to the top of the mountain. Seeing my city below really gives me a sense of perspective. I am now determined to explore every trail. I'd love to find a hiking buddy to do it with me." Or even, "Have you been to Ebertfest? I want to hear about it!" is more active in expressing your own wishes.
3. Trying to learn things really fast, which I am not good at.
"Trying to keep up with the madcap pace of studying sustainably constructed microhouses in New Zealand" or whatever.
4. I'm pretty calm. I can make chili. I'm OK at trivia night. I actually like public speaking despite the fact that I'm sort of an introvert.
"I'm even tempered. Making chili is my specialty. I like going to trivia nights and know off the top of my head that [What was the weirdest trivia question you knew the answer to? Insert it here]. I am evidence that enjoying public speaking and being an introvert aren't mutually exclusive."
5. Books: I don't have time to read for fun that much these days, which is disappointing because I was an undergrad English person and I really like novels. I manage to sneak one in every now and then. I just read the latest George Saunders. That's not a novel. But still, really good!
Right now it sounds like you're actually disparaging yourself for reading something you enjoyed...because it's not in the genre you enjoy? Try, "I was an English major in undergrad and I really like novels because [insert explanation here]. My favorites are... I just read the latest George Saunders and it was really good!"
Finally, I think your pictures are like a metaphor for the rest of your profile. I can objectively tell you're good looking, but you don't look approachable and the pictures don't lend your viewer any greater sense of your personality/interests. Can you have someone take snap a phone picture of you looking doing some sort of activity? Like smiling over a big plate of Korean food. Taking a walk around your neighborhood. Falling down while ice skating.
That's my $0.02. Good luck, the modern dating profile is a uniquely self-conscious act and I know it can be hard!
posted by erstwhile ungulate at 11:25 PM on July 9, 2015 [12 favorites]
Quick reactions from a guy who's also in the market:
* The photo is at best, mediocre. It's dark, and it's OFF CENTER. While I like the angle, you don't look like you're enjoying yourself in the photo. Instead, you have this sorta "meh" stare into the camera. Looking through your photo roll, if you can get a CLEAR version of that last picture and crop it a bit THAT'd make a good profile photo.
* Your self-summary seem to consist only that you are ambivalent about your PhD... you love it, but you felt you're missing life. That's not a self-summary. Self summary is about YOU. WHO YOU ARE, not what you are doing. Are you generous? Quiet? Extrovert? Outdoorsy? Bookworm? Etc.
* You spent far too much time saying stuff about your favorite media and food. Can you spend a bit MORE time on the OTHER topics?
* You got EIGHT items when they asked for six.
* Your entire profile reads as if you treat life as a joke / absolute UN-serious. Your "most private thing" was "I like skating"? You spent a lot of time thinking about houses?
posted by kschang at 11:42 PM on July 9, 2015 [2 favorites]
* The photo is at best, mediocre. It's dark, and it's OFF CENTER. While I like the angle, you don't look like you're enjoying yourself in the photo. Instead, you have this sorta "meh" stare into the camera. Looking through your photo roll, if you can get a CLEAR version of that last picture and crop it a bit THAT'd make a good profile photo.
* Your self-summary seem to consist only that you are ambivalent about your PhD... you love it, but you felt you're missing life. That's not a self-summary. Self summary is about YOU. WHO YOU ARE, not what you are doing. Are you generous? Quiet? Extrovert? Outdoorsy? Bookworm? Etc.
* You spent far too much time saying stuff about your favorite media and food. Can you spend a bit MORE time on the OTHER topics?
* You got EIGHT items when they asked for six.
* Your entire profile reads as if you treat life as a joke / absolute UN-serious. Your "most private thing" was "I like skating"? You spent a lot of time thinking about houses?
posted by kschang at 11:42 PM on July 9, 2015 [2 favorites]
I thought your profile was lovely, very sweet, and you come accross (to me) as an intelligent and interesting person. However, I'm not your target demographic. If only you could get a focus group of people from your target demographic together to ask their opinions!
posted by the quidnunc kid at 12:08 AM on July 10, 2015
posted by the quidnunc kid at 12:08 AM on July 10, 2015
Keep photo 3, dump the first two, maybe keep the 4th one for now although your shoulder posture looks odd in the photo and it's blurry. Add some smiling, well lit, not taken by you replacements, with your teeth and some "smizing" in at least one. I know grad school can be isolating, and your peers may be frustrating but maintaining platonic functional work friendships is important too, so ask a trustworthy one to take it for you.
Scrub the negativity. A little self-deprecation is fine but make sure it reads as upbeat. Tone is hard without context.
Your sections of ice skating ("It would be great if there was outdoor skating somewhere around here but I haven't heard of any places.") and indian food ("I heard there's a good Indian place...") sound like you're beating around the bush for a date to those places. Either be direct about it: "I'm always down for Indian food" or go for more subtle "Learning how to ice skate, looking forward to trying it outdoors this winter".
+1 to mentioning social justice, let your passion shine through.
posted by JauntyFedora at 12:19 AM on July 10, 2015 [1 favorite]
Scrub the negativity. A little self-deprecation is fine but make sure it reads as upbeat. Tone is hard without context.
Your sections of ice skating ("It would be great if there was outdoor skating somewhere around here but I haven't heard of any places.") and indian food ("I heard there's a good Indian place...") sound like you're beating around the bush for a date to those places. Either be direct about it: "I'm always down for Indian food" or go for more subtle "Learning how to ice skate, looking forward to trying it outdoors this winter".
+1 to mentioning social justice, let your passion shine through.
posted by JauntyFedora at 12:19 AM on July 10, 2015 [1 favorite]
I agree with the quidnunc kid, I thought your profile was charming. I don't see a problem with any of your pictures. I'd hang out with you (but, again, not your target audience).
You sound nice, intelligent, and chill... but perhaps not especially confident or light-hearted? I find the vague, non-self-aggrandizing way you described yourself to be very relatable, but the sorta-ambivalent way you've written about your interests/pursuits makes it sound like you don't know yourself very well, or like you're embarrassed to express strong opinions (the "most private thing" question, especially... people expect something mildly salacious or, like, SUPER self-deprecating).
posted by Pizzarina Sbarro at 1:03 AM on July 10, 2015
You sound nice, intelligent, and chill... but perhaps not especially confident or light-hearted? I find the vague, non-self-aggrandizing way you described yourself to be very relatable, but the sorta-ambivalent way you've written about your interests/pursuits makes it sound like you don't know yourself very well, or like you're embarrassed to express strong opinions (the "most private thing" question, especially... people expect something mildly salacious or, like, SUPER self-deprecating).
posted by Pizzarina Sbarro at 1:03 AM on July 10, 2015
Best answer: I think you come across as attractive and thoughtful but a little depressed and, therefore, grey. I agree with the others that a bit more energy and colour would help, and I found the negative self-descriptors annoying or awkward to respond to (eg terribly skinny). But my overall impression was positive, and I don't think you need to change a massive amount: just tweak things here and there. Also the lien thing - I'm actually quite into the weirdness of liens, from a legal perspective, but I agree that many people who aren't legal geeks would find the reference baffling and off-putting. I don't think you should put a full-blown abstract of your research on your profile but a couple of sentences about why it makes you care about liens would help.
posted by Aravis76 at 1:12 AM on July 10, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by Aravis76 at 1:12 AM on July 10, 2015 [4 favorites]
You don't have any "hooks" for people to message you about. Concrete interests/hobbies/commonalities of any kind give people things to latch onto and start conversations about.
posted by NoraReed at 1:38 AM on July 10, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by NoraReed at 1:38 AM on July 10, 2015 [2 favorites]
Best answer: I would like to see some photos of you going out and doing stuff, having fun, living life a bit.
As for the blurb, you sound like you've got to hump with life (which to be fair you probably have). I don't want to hear that you've been too lazy doing something that you actually want to do. You're too busy having fun! You're not "ok" at trivia night, you are bloody brilliant at it, except for the history questions, which you suck at. Find out where The Crossing is and go there. Then tell potential dates you will take them there too, because it's wonderful!
Take "phone" and "coffee" off the "six things" list. These are boring. Everyone likes phones and coffee.
Basically sound passionate and enthusiastic about stuff, particularly interests that are either a talking point or likely to be something you have in common with potential dates.
I actually like the jokingly self depreciating stuff (my profile is full of it) - I think it sounds like a job interview if you come in talking about how wonderful you are and what you can offer to a date - you just need to balance it out with a bit of positivity and enthusiasm.
posted by intensitymultiply at 1:54 AM on July 10, 2015
As for the blurb, you sound like you've got to hump with life (which to be fair you probably have). I don't want to hear that you've been too lazy doing something that you actually want to do. You're too busy having fun! You're not "ok" at trivia night, you are bloody brilliant at it, except for the history questions, which you suck at. Find out where The Crossing is and go there. Then tell potential dates you will take them there too, because it's wonderful!
Take "phone" and "coffee" off the "six things" list. These are boring. Everyone likes phones and coffee.
Basically sound passionate and enthusiastic about stuff, particularly interests that are either a talking point or likely to be something you have in common with potential dates.
I actually like the jokingly self depreciating stuff (my profile is full of it) - I think it sounds like a job interview if you come in talking about how wonderful you are and what you can offer to a date - you just need to balance it out with a bit of positivity and enthusiasm.
posted by intensitymultiply at 1:54 AM on July 10, 2015
Gay dude here. Your last photo (totally hidden from the main page) is the money shot my friend. And it's completely hidden! It's a lil bit fuzzy, so maybe take another one clear, bright one along those lines.
Don't underestimate the importance of a hot profile pic.
posted by dontjumplarry at 1:59 AM on July 10, 2015 [2 favorites]
Don't underestimate the importance of a hot profile pic.
posted by dontjumplarry at 1:59 AM on July 10, 2015 [2 favorites]
I feel compelled to offer more detailed feedback (as a member of your target demographic).
I don't see "lazy, uncommitted, passionless, unserious". A PhD program involves a whack of commitment, and running is pretty serious for most runners (maybe talk a bit more about that?). I get the impression of an easygoing, down-to-earth guy, who's keeping his cards close to his chest, maybe feels a bit lonely (because of selfies/no group shots/new to the city - I imagine that most of your pics have your ex in them?), and is adjusting to student life (and is maybe a bit fed up with it already).
If you take out the things that sound like they might be better placed in a journal (i.e. talk less about your program), and do the picture thing, you'll be good.
"Favourite books etc." section is fine. You've mentioned enough specifics to convey a general idea of what you like, obviously you like more things than just those. "I'm really good at" section is fine. ("Calm" is great, lots of people in your target demo will be looking for "calm".)
Your typical Friday night is fine, lots of people in your target demo are also laid-back and would be happy to hang out at home.
Take out:
- but you know, I've begun to feel like my world has shrunk to the confines of the program. It would be nice to get outside.
- My username is somewhat related to what I'm studying. Covered above
- Trying to learn things really fast, which I am not good at. Self-deprecating humour not so successful here
- I'm terribly skinny. Replace with "I'm lanky" or similar, agree with that criticism
- There are a lot of things around here that I'd like to check out but I have been too lazy. Replace "lazy" with "busy". You have been busy, you've been adjusting to your new post-ex reality and a tough workload, and yeah, it's weird to go out on your own if you haven't done that in a while. "Busy" is true enough.
- Phone/Coffee - agree with intensitymultiply
- The fact that one of these days I'm totally getting organized. One of these days... this is another "inside voice" thing people don't need to hear about; reserve for your to-do list
- Most private thing section: yeah, that does sound like you're angling to be taken skating/exploring, and again, complaining about your program. Agree with replacing this with a slightly more personal answer. (But I don't think you have to go as deep as some are suggesting.)
- You should message me section: I think you're leaning on "new" for some kind of comedic effect, but "new places" is too vague, and "new art installations" is awkward - not sure, work on this a bit more.
posted by cotton dress sock at 3:46 AM on July 10, 2015 [1 favorite]
I don't see "lazy, uncommitted, passionless, unserious". A PhD program involves a whack of commitment, and running is pretty serious for most runners (maybe talk a bit more about that?). I get the impression of an easygoing, down-to-earth guy, who's keeping his cards close to his chest, maybe feels a bit lonely (because of selfies/no group shots/new to the city - I imagine that most of your pics have your ex in them?), and is adjusting to student life (and is maybe a bit fed up with it already).
If you take out the things that sound like they might be better placed in a journal (i.e. talk less about your program), and do the picture thing, you'll be good.
"Favourite books etc." section is fine. You've mentioned enough specifics to convey a general idea of what you like, obviously you like more things than just those. "I'm really good at" section is fine. ("Calm" is great, lots of people in your target demo will be looking for "calm".)
Your typical Friday night is fine, lots of people in your target demo are also laid-back and would be happy to hang out at home.
Take out:
- but you know, I've begun to feel like my world has shrunk to the confines of the program. It would be nice to get outside.
- My username is somewhat related to what I'm studying. Covered above
- Trying to learn things really fast, which I am not good at. Self-deprecating humour not so successful here
- I'm terribly skinny. Replace with "I'm lanky" or similar, agree with that criticism
- There are a lot of things around here that I'd like to check out but I have been too lazy. Replace "lazy" with "busy". You have been busy, you've been adjusting to your new post-ex reality and a tough workload, and yeah, it's weird to go out on your own if you haven't done that in a while. "Busy" is true enough.
- Phone/Coffee - agree with intensitymultiply
- The fact that one of these days I'm totally getting organized. One of these days... this is another "inside voice" thing people don't need to hear about; reserve for your to-do list
- Most private thing section: yeah, that does sound like you're angling to be taken skating/exploring, and again, complaining about your program. Agree with replacing this with a slightly more personal answer. (But I don't think you have to go as deep as some are suggesting.)
- You should message me section: I think you're leaning on "new" for some kind of comedic effect, but "new places" is too vague, and "new art installations" is awkward - not sure, work on this a bit more.
posted by cotton dress sock at 3:46 AM on July 10, 2015 [1 favorite]
Hey, you are cute (actually so cute I'd think you were way out of my league but that's neither here nor there). But do change the main profile photo to one of the ones where people can see you better.
Right. Content time.
First of all, I think you lack hooks - what kind of narrative hooks have you included? What would a potential date write to you about? Sprinkle some hooks in there!
Secondly:
I moved here not too long ago to start a PhD program. It's great so far. The people are wonderful, but you know, I've begun to feel like my world has shrunk to the confines of the program. It would be nice to get outside.
"I moved here not that long ago to start a PhD program. I really enjoy it but now I feel ready to meet new people and connect to my new surroundings"
(it's not great but you can see where I'm heading with that. I'm a fellow introvert, but you need to show you want to open up the door and let people inside. Write for the audience outside your head!)
I'd prefer more details, somehow. You like food and you enjoy cooking. Add some details about novels you've read or what your favourite category of Trivial Pursuit is. I like the detail about sunlight. Hey, and then at the very last minute you write about being interested in art - that's the sort of thing you need to push harder.
So, finally, let's sum it up neatly.
Introvert; likes cooking; enjoys art; has thoughts on books; enjoys trivia nights; listens to indie music; can be serious and focused but also has a light-hearted side (ice skating!); really cute.
You have a lot to work with here.
posted by kariebookish at 4:03 AM on July 10, 2015
Right. Content time.
First of all, I think you lack hooks - what kind of narrative hooks have you included? What would a potential date write to you about? Sprinkle some hooks in there!
Secondly:
I moved here not too long ago to start a PhD program. It's great so far. The people are wonderful, but you know, I've begun to feel like my world has shrunk to the confines of the program. It would be nice to get outside.
"I moved here not that long ago to start a PhD program. I really enjoy it but now I feel ready to meet new people and connect to my new surroundings"
(it's not great but you can see where I'm heading with that. I'm a fellow introvert, but you need to show you want to open up the door and let people inside. Write for the audience outside your head!)
I'd prefer more details, somehow. You like food and you enjoy cooking. Add some details about novels you've read or what your favourite category of Trivial Pursuit is. I like the detail about sunlight. Hey, and then at the very last minute you write about being interested in art - that's the sort of thing you need to push harder.
So, finally, let's sum it up neatly.
Introvert; likes cooking; enjoys art; has thoughts on books; enjoys trivia nights; listens to indie music; can be serious and focused but also has a light-hearted side (ice skating!); really cute.
You have a lot to work with here.
posted by kariebookish at 4:03 AM on July 10, 2015
I would be way more likely to go out with you on the basis of your second picture than your first. Your eyes are really pretty, why can't we see them in most of the photos?
posted by chainsofreedom at 4:49 AM on July 10, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by chainsofreedom at 4:49 AM on July 10, 2015 [1 favorite]
I would be interested based on your profile as is, but I think I might struggle a bit with finding a hook to start a conversation. I don't particularly care for a profile that feels relentlessly positive, but give me a bit more about why you like or don't like something - that gives some clues about how to start the conversation.
posted by EvaDestruction at 6:41 AM on July 10, 2015
posted by EvaDestruction at 6:41 AM on July 10, 2015
As others here have been saying, you are hiding one of your best assets for datingsiteland: you are damn attractive in the conventional sense-- but I had to look through all of your photos to finally see this. From your first photo to your last, you look like a different person. Have some high quality, naturally lit photos taken. Pay for it if you have to-- lots of amateur but excellent photographers can be found these days and many would sell you a photo CD/link of a couple of beautifully done pictures of you for $50-$75.
posted by hush at 7:43 AM on July 10, 2015
posted by hush at 7:43 AM on July 10, 2015
Lady in your target demographic here. I think I respond more positively to your profile because you remind me of my boyfriend. Whenever I see online dating profiles that read like cheesy ads, I just cringe, so I personally don't mind at all that you didn't go in that direction. With that said, I think it could work in your favor to talk about things that you Love. You seem to be only mildly interested in your own interests, and that can't possibly be true. What was the last art exhibit you saw that really blew you away? Mention it! You don't have to speak in hyperbole, but specifics will really help catch someone's eye. I think it's great, for instance, that you talk about wanting to go to Ebertfest. As someone who would also want to go someday, that reads as a good conversation opener to me.
I'm pretty sure the stats don't back me up on this, but the brooding profile picture doesn't come across as well as the last one in which you're smiling. Smiling just works for some people. If you had a profile picture where you look as happy as you do in your last photo, I feel like you could keep being a little bit self-deprecating in your profile text because the contrast would show me that you have a good sense of humor about yourself, rather than just making me think you might have low self-confidence.
I think you missed a chance in your "private thing" section to showcase your sense of humor. If it were me writing it, I'd probably feel like sharing something mildly embarrassing or goofy, but not off-putting. Ice skating is great and all, and I'm sure there are plenty of women who would like having the kind of boyfriend who takes them to do that type of thing, but put that in a different section.
Overall, I don't think your profile needs all that much work. You come across as a genuine person and I don't think you'd want to lose that element by injecting too much false enthusiasm. You said it yourself: you're a calm person. Nothing wrong with that.
posted by anony mouse at 8:43 AM on July 10, 2015 [2 favorites]
I'm pretty sure the stats don't back me up on this, but the brooding profile picture doesn't come across as well as the last one in which you're smiling. Smiling just works for some people. If you had a profile picture where you look as happy as you do in your last photo, I feel like you could keep being a little bit self-deprecating in your profile text because the contrast would show me that you have a good sense of humor about yourself, rather than just making me think you might have low self-confidence.
I think you missed a chance in your "private thing" section to showcase your sense of humor. If it were me writing it, I'd probably feel like sharing something mildly embarrassing or goofy, but not off-putting. Ice skating is great and all, and I'm sure there are plenty of women who would like having the kind of boyfriend who takes them to do that type of thing, but put that in a different section.
Overall, I don't think your profile needs all that much work. You come across as a genuine person and I don't think you'd want to lose that element by injecting too much false enthusiasm. You said it yourself: you're a calm person. Nothing wrong with that.
posted by anony mouse at 8:43 AM on July 10, 2015 [2 favorites]
I'm probably a bit like you. The biggest problem I would have if I were trying to date on one of these sites is that I have no decent pictures taken within the last five years. It seems like you have that problem, too. Do you maybe have some photographer friends who wouldn't mind following you around during a typical outing with friends? No matter how interesting you make your profile, if you have only unflattering pictures of yourself, you won't get a lot of responses.
posted by deathpanels at 8:49 AM on July 10, 2015
posted by deathpanels at 8:49 AM on July 10, 2015
Let me just say I think about liens (first and otherwise) probably more than any MeFite living -- they're exciting! If you end up being found by a cute young bankruptcy professor at the law school all of the MeFi cynics will stand well-judged in error.
posted by MattD at 9:31 AM on July 10, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by MattD at 9:31 AM on July 10, 2015 [5 favorites]
I would just like to say, respectfully, you are hot! So the criticisms of your photos have nothing to do with your attractiveness, rest assured. I hate having my picture taken so I know it's hard to come up with several shots that actually look like you, but since you are (respectfully) hot, you have got to step the pic game up. I don't necessarily agree that a smile is necessary, but some more natural, animated expressions where you're just doing stuff would go a long way.
I also agree with others that it's clear just from this question that you are an interesting person (social justice? swoon), but you seem hell-bent on presenting yourself in a dull-to-negative light. Try this: conjure in your head the person you'd most like to date. The person around whom you'd feel most comfortable and the most "yourself;" the person you'd most like to talk to, the person you'd most like to hang out with and make out with. Tune everyone else out. Write your profile for her.
posted by kapers at 2:00 PM on July 10, 2015 [1 favorite]
I also agree with others that it's clear just from this question that you are an interesting person (social justice? swoon), but you seem hell-bent on presenting yourself in a dull-to-negative light. Try this: conjure in your head the person you'd most like to date. The person around whom you'd feel most comfortable and the most "yourself;" the person you'd most like to talk to, the person you'd most like to hang out with and make out with. Tune everyone else out. Write your profile for her.
posted by kapers at 2:00 PM on July 10, 2015 [1 favorite]
OMG, you are adorable. I see that you marked a best answer, but I thought maybe you'd like to hear that some of the modifications so far are very positive, but I can't resist an opportunity to express an opinion. Would it help to know that we have a ridiculously high compatability and that if I were local to you I would absolutely have messaged you even before you asked this question?
First:
I'm terribly skinny
Never use a negative word to describe yourself. I read this and I think that not only are you going to be grossly underweight, but that you're anxious and self-conscious about it.
If that's not the case, perhaps:
"The first thing people notice about me is . . . . my svelte physique / my girlish figure / that they want to give me a sandwich." These are more lighthearted approaches, I think.
The same goes for the negative reference to yourself as lazy. Lazy people don't make it to PhD programs. Describe the places you're not sure about (Ebertfest, The Crossings) as places you affirmatively want to check out . . . maybe with a tour guide, wink wink.
Next:
My username is somewhat related to what I'm studying
Are you . . . getting a PhD in perfecting secured property interests? Can you expound on this? How does it fit in with social justice you mentioned before? Are you like Daredevil? I'm into social justice, too - so what do you think about South Carolina taking down the flag? Or the recent SCOTUS decision on marriage equality and the ACA? These are the things I would have asked all about in my first messages, and if you left little snippets in your profile, I bet a lot of other people would pick up on them and run with it, because social justice is sexy.
Also:
I only learned how to ice skate this year. Because I needed an extra course credit and I was already weighed down with work. So I took a skating class. It was fun. It would be great if there was outdoor skating somewhere around here but I haven't heard of any places.
Waaay too many words here. This spot works best, I think, with something fun and flirty. When people treat it seriously, it can get creepy fast. I would change it, if I were you, to:
"The most private thing I'm willing to admit is that I can ice skate way better than you might expect." If I were a girl reading your profile who thought you were cute (which I am, actually!), I would message you on this, curious to know why you're good at ice skating when it's not a thing most adult men do, and also interested in going skating with you to see how good you really are. Since the actual story is kind of . . . well, it's not like your mom treated you like a girl for the first 15 years of your life or that you started a career in NHL but had too many teeth, so . . . it's a boring story. But I bet I would think it was not boring if you were dragging me around an ice rink while you told it!
I hope these help. Again, you are really cute and seem like someone I would absolutely love to get to know, and would totally have messaged if local. If I think so, I'm sure others will agree and that the messages will come pouring in. Good luck!
Also, small thing, but it's actually Louise who's best and if you really think it's Tina, you're going to be alone forever.
posted by mibo at 4:31 PM on July 10, 2015
First:
I'm terribly skinny
Never use a negative word to describe yourself. I read this and I think that not only are you going to be grossly underweight, but that you're anxious and self-conscious about it.
If that's not the case, perhaps:
"The first thing people notice about me is . . . . my svelte physique / my girlish figure / that they want to give me a sandwich." These are more lighthearted approaches, I think.
The same goes for the negative reference to yourself as lazy. Lazy people don't make it to PhD programs. Describe the places you're not sure about (Ebertfest, The Crossings) as places you affirmatively want to check out . . . maybe with a tour guide, wink wink.
Next:
My username is somewhat related to what I'm studying
Are you . . . getting a PhD in perfecting secured property interests? Can you expound on this? How does it fit in with social justice you mentioned before? Are you like Daredevil? I'm into social justice, too - so what do you think about South Carolina taking down the flag? Or the recent SCOTUS decision on marriage equality and the ACA? These are the things I would have asked all about in my first messages, and if you left little snippets in your profile, I bet a lot of other people would pick up on them and run with it, because social justice is sexy.
Also:
I only learned how to ice skate this year. Because I needed an extra course credit and I was already weighed down with work. So I took a skating class. It was fun. It would be great if there was outdoor skating somewhere around here but I haven't heard of any places.
Waaay too many words here. This spot works best, I think, with something fun and flirty. When people treat it seriously, it can get creepy fast. I would change it, if I were you, to:
"The most private thing I'm willing to admit is that I can ice skate way better than you might expect." If I were a girl reading your profile who thought you were cute (which I am, actually!), I would message you on this, curious to know why you're good at ice skating when it's not a thing most adult men do, and also interested in going skating with you to see how good you really are. Since the actual story is kind of . . . well, it's not like your mom treated you like a girl for the first 15 years of your life or that you started a career in NHL but had too many teeth, so . . . it's a boring story. But I bet I would think it was not boring if you were dragging me around an ice rink while you told it!
I hope these help. Again, you are really cute and seem like someone I would absolutely love to get to know, and would totally have messaged if local. If I think so, I'm sure others will agree and that the messages will come pouring in. Good luck!
Also, small thing, but it's actually Louise who's best and if you really think it's Tina, you're going to be alone forever.
posted by mibo at 4:31 PM on July 10, 2015
Oh, sorry, one last thing -
"The most private thing I'm willing to admit is that I got an "A" in ice skating." I would think this was hilarious if I read it on someone's profile, but ymmv.
posted by mibo at 4:33 PM on July 10, 2015 [1 favorite]
"The most private thing I'm willing to admit is that I got an "A" in ice skating." I would think this was hilarious if I read it on someone's profile, but ymmv.
posted by mibo at 4:33 PM on July 10, 2015 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Thanks for the feedback everyone!
It seems like the biggest thing is the photos. As correctly guessed above, most of my recent photos are with my ex so I don't have a lot of good ones handy. But I have some from a recent trip (where I am actually doing fun things) that aren't selfies so maybe I'll swap some of those in.
It also seems as if I'm being too negative. I had no idea! I think a little self-depreciation shows that you're grounded but too much is a big turn off for me. In other words, based on my profile, I probably wouldn't want to date me. Thanks to everyone who pointed this out.
I'm still processing all this info, but I think I'm going to make my profile only available to OKC members again.
I study predatory lending and foreclosures and I came up with my username after a long day of working with a huge lending dataset. I hate it. I think you can change your username if you join A-list so maybe I'll briefly sign up for it so I can do that.
posted by mcmile at 6:28 PM on July 10, 2015
It seems like the biggest thing is the photos. As correctly guessed above, most of my recent photos are with my ex so I don't have a lot of good ones handy. But I have some from a recent trip (where I am actually doing fun things) that aren't selfies so maybe I'll swap some of those in.
It also seems as if I'm being too negative. I had no idea! I think a little self-depreciation shows that you're grounded but too much is a big turn off for me. In other words, based on my profile, I probably wouldn't want to date me. Thanks to everyone who pointed this out.
I'm still processing all this info, but I think I'm going to make my profile only available to OKC members again.
I study predatory lending and foreclosures and I came up with my username after a long day of working with a huge lending dataset. I hate it. I think you can change your username if you join A-list so maybe I'll briefly sign up for it so I can do that.
posted by mcmile at 6:28 PM on July 10, 2015
Ohhhh, late to this party, and you've since made your profile no longer public. However, as a member of your target demographic (33 year-old single woman working in social justice) I thought I had a duty to come back and comment.
Overall, your profile just had this overall impression of not trying very hard. Your photos are bad and they're selfies, and you make reference to being too lazy to explore activities. I know it's online dating, but people still want it to be exciting, you know? Your profile feels like jumping straight to year seven of your live-in relationship with your bf where date night has become sitting on the couch going, well what do you want to do? and then you end up just marathoning a TV show on Netflix. I want butterflies.
Speaking of those photos, they're bad, and you know it, and they're also all selfies, which is also bad. You also suffer from Seinfeld bad lighting syndrome, where in half the photos, I thought, oooo, that guy's cute! And then when I looked at the other photos, I thought, or is he?
If you are interested in social justice, yes, please talk about that! Very attractive!
I liked your ice skating anecdote, I thought it showed a fun and adventuresome spirit, though I agree it didn't belong in the private things section. That plus your phrasing that you "only learned how this year" makes it sound like it's something that everyone should know how to do, which came across as a bit snobbish.
The description of yourself as "terribly skinny" is a big turn-off. I would not make any reference to your build, even as "lanky." I don't like "terribly skinny" men, but even describing yourself more positively, as "lanky," isn't great to me, because it makes me contrast myself to you, and think, well, he's very slim and I'm not, he probably won't be into me.
And I get the need to be self-deprecating - see my own disastrous attempt at this in my OKCupid profile via my post history... - but since you weren't even trying to be funny and the self-deprecation was spread throughout the post, it just became infectious and made me think "meh" about you.
Good luck.
posted by unannihilated at 7:50 PM on July 12, 2015
Overall, your profile just had this overall impression of not trying very hard. Your photos are bad and they're selfies, and you make reference to being too lazy to explore activities. I know it's online dating, but people still want it to be exciting, you know? Your profile feels like jumping straight to year seven of your live-in relationship with your bf where date night has become sitting on the couch going, well what do you want to do? and then you end up just marathoning a TV show on Netflix. I want butterflies.
Speaking of those photos, they're bad, and you know it, and they're also all selfies, which is also bad. You also suffer from Seinfeld bad lighting syndrome, where in half the photos, I thought, oooo, that guy's cute! And then when I looked at the other photos, I thought, or is he?
If you are interested in social justice, yes, please talk about that! Very attractive!
I liked your ice skating anecdote, I thought it showed a fun and adventuresome spirit, though I agree it didn't belong in the private things section. That plus your phrasing that you "only learned how this year" makes it sound like it's something that everyone should know how to do, which came across as a bit snobbish.
The description of yourself as "terribly skinny" is a big turn-off. I would not make any reference to your build, even as "lanky." I don't like "terribly skinny" men, but even describing yourself more positively, as "lanky," isn't great to me, because it makes me contrast myself to you, and think, well, he's very slim and I'm not, he probably won't be into me.
And I get the need to be self-deprecating - see my own disastrous attempt at this in my OKCupid profile via my post history... - but since you weren't even trying to be funny and the self-deprecation was spread throughout the post, it just became infectious and made me think "meh" about you.
Good luck.
posted by unannihilated at 7:50 PM on July 12, 2015
This thread is closed to new comments.
It's a bad photo; dark, gloomy, not welcoming or inviting at all. Smile. Don't do a mug shot. Lighten it up.
You're very reticent about some details that might be interesting. Example: "My username (First_Lien) is somewhat related to what I'm studying." Law? Finance? How does this attract someone?
Do NOT be negative. You have a lot of good aspects, but the things that stand out in your description are lazy, unorganized, uncommitted. Point out the good things.
You should talk about the social-justice aspect if the person you want to attract would be interested in that. You should mention your ideal match in the profile, since you mentioned it here.
Best of luck.
posted by blob at 10:01 PM on July 9, 2015 [10 favorites]