How do I manage the mom calls?
June 3, 2015 11:46 AM Subscribe
I'm an adult. My mom calls nearly every day. Her calls are almost always at least an hour long. This is extremely draining for me. How do I deal with this?
I am a single adult. My mom lives in another state. She is elderly, widowed, and very talkative. She calls almost every day. Her conversational style is largely one-sided, to the point where I sometimes get exhausted, set the phone down, pick the phone up again after a few moments, and find she has no idea that I stopped listening. She talks about her friendships (which all seem to be complicated, difficult and emotionally upsetting to her), summarizes the entire plots of TV shows and movies she's watched, reminisces about stuff, whatever. A little of this goes a long way. She does the same thing to other members of my family, but they have the excuse of children and spouses to tend to. I don't, so I just get stuck with this. I get irritated listening to her sometimes, watching my free time disappear, and I start to sound irritated, and then I feel bad, and I think she feels bad, but it doesn't stop her. How do I make this end?
I am a single adult. My mom lives in another state. She is elderly, widowed, and very talkative. She calls almost every day. Her conversational style is largely one-sided, to the point where I sometimes get exhausted, set the phone down, pick the phone up again after a few moments, and find she has no idea that I stopped listening. She talks about her friendships (which all seem to be complicated, difficult and emotionally upsetting to her), summarizes the entire plots of TV shows and movies she's watched, reminisces about stuff, whatever. A little of this goes a long way. She does the same thing to other members of my family, but they have the excuse of children and spouses to tend to. I don't, so I just get stuck with this. I get irritated listening to her sometimes, watching my free time disappear, and I start to sound irritated, and then I feel bad, and I think she feels bad, but it doesn't stop her. How do I make this end?
Limit your free time. You've started a knitting class, or you're going running, or whatever, but you will call her on Saturdays at noon. Stick to that and let it go to voicemail. If she worriedly calls you 20 times in a row, text her to reassure that you're okay but you're doing X right now and you'll talk to her Saturday. Encourage her to be busier, if possible - it sounds as if she's bored and lonely. My mom is similarly self-absorbed, and she's never not going to be, so I just try to be compassionate and get my emotional needs met elsewhere. I also tend to surf the web or do other quiet things while she's talking.
posted by desjardins at 11:51 AM on June 3, 2015 [17 favorites]
posted by desjardins at 11:51 AM on June 3, 2015 [17 favorites]
*Don't pick up every time she calls (Of course this only works if you have caller display)
*FAKE having other things to tend to:
Oh! Dinner's Ready now - Gotta Go
You caught me right in the middle of a workout - Can't really talk, Gotta Go
That's Great Mum. Apologies but I've got to dash and use the bathroom, sorry, Gotta Go
Oh - That's my next door neighbor at the door, Gotta go
I haven't had lunch yet and I'm starving, gotta go
I've got brunch/dinner/drinks with friends in 30 mins and I haven't done my hair yet- Gotta go
You get the gist of it.
Or - you could tell her that you don't have time to talk to her every day? That you love chatting with her but every day is a bit much for your hectic schedule?
posted by JenThePro at 11:52 AM on June 3, 2015 [11 favorites]
*FAKE having other things to tend to:
Oh! Dinner's Ready now - Gotta Go
You caught me right in the middle of a workout - Can't really talk, Gotta Go
That's Great Mum. Apologies but I've got to dash and use the bathroom, sorry, Gotta Go
Oh - That's my next door neighbor at the door, Gotta go
I haven't had lunch yet and I'm starving, gotta go
I've got brunch/dinner/drinks with friends in 30 mins and I haven't done my hair yet- Gotta go
You get the gist of it.
Or - you could tell her that you don't have time to talk to her every day? That you love chatting with her but every day is a bit much for your hectic schedule?
posted by JenThePro at 11:52 AM on June 3, 2015 [11 favorites]
If you can't bring yourself to say any of the above, put her on speakerphone and do whatever you like while she talks.
posted by JanetLand at 11:54 AM on June 3, 2015 [28 favorites]
posted by JanetLand at 11:54 AM on June 3, 2015 [28 favorites]
Yeah, AdamRice has this one.
You are a full grown adult, and have the right to manage your time as you see fit.
You are also under no compunction to give a REASON WHY you have to go.
You just gotta go.
It's another version of "I gotta thing."
posted by Major Matt Mason Dixon at 11:54 AM on June 3, 2015 [5 favorites]
You are a full grown adult, and have the right to manage your time as you see fit.
You are also under no compunction to give a REASON WHY you have to go.
You just gotta go.
It's another version of "I gotta thing."
posted by Major Matt Mason Dixon at 11:54 AM on June 3, 2015 [5 favorites]
Just because you don't have a spouse or children doesn't mean you don't have stuff to do! You need to tell your mom when you need to hang up.
Two ways you might want to do this: when your mom calls, say, "Oh, it's great to hear from you! Just so you know I can only talk until [15 minutes from now, or 40 minutes from now, or whatever]." And then when you get to that time, you say goodbye.
Or, when she calls, set a timer and when it goes off, wrap up the call.
If you don't mind having her on the phone while you do other stuff and half-listen, you could set aside at least some of your mom-phone time for other boring stuff like paying bills, washing dishes, etc., so that you can give her that time to talk without feeling like you're wasting your time.
posted by mskyle at 11:56 AM on June 3, 2015 [8 favorites]
Two ways you might want to do this: when your mom calls, say, "Oh, it's great to hear from you! Just so you know I can only talk until [15 minutes from now, or 40 minutes from now, or whatever]." And then when you get to that time, you say goodbye.
Or, when she calls, set a timer and when it goes off, wrap up the call.
If you don't mind having her on the phone while you do other stuff and half-listen, you could set aside at least some of your mom-phone time for other boring stuff like paying bills, washing dishes, etc., so that you can give her that time to talk without feeling like you're wasting your time.
posted by mskyle at 11:56 AM on June 3, 2015 [8 favorites]
Janetland has it - put her on speaker and do other things while she's talking. Some of the answers here are coming off a bit harsh to me. Often, elderly people (especially those who have lost a spouse) are lonely, and limited in what they are able to do outside the home. Your mom is lonely. Don't let her take advantage of you, but have compassion for her. She won't be around forever.
posted by amro at 12:03 PM on June 3, 2015 [38 favorites]
posted by amro at 12:03 PM on June 3, 2015 [38 favorites]
Don't pick up every single day. Pick up every second or third day. Is she on email? Move the conversation there if it still needs to be daily for her.
And then do pick up the phone and listen to her. Because it's your mom. Every time I spend two hours on the phone with my mom with the most basic bang-your-head-against-the-wall tech help or she goes on and on about absolutely nothing, I remember that she once taught me how to walk and taught me how to read and she needs me now like I needed her then.
posted by meerkatty at 12:04 PM on June 3, 2015 [14 favorites]
And then do pick up the phone and listen to her. Because it's your mom. Every time I spend two hours on the phone with my mom with the most basic bang-your-head-against-the-wall tech help or she goes on and on about absolutely nothing, I remember that she once taught me how to walk and taught me how to read and she needs me now like I needed her then.
posted by meerkatty at 12:04 PM on June 3, 2015 [14 favorites]
This strategy could backfire, but if she's single at the moment could you get her interested in dating?
posted by XMLicious at 12:05 PM on June 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by XMLicious at 12:05 PM on June 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
Even better than speakerphone, plug headphones in and talk while you clean or go for a walk. Win-win! (Also, could you get her interested in other forms of communication? I bought my elderly mom an ipad and she loves playing games, texting, and Facetime.)
posted by chocotaco at 12:12 PM on June 3, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by chocotaco at 12:12 PM on June 3, 2015 [3 favorites]
I have a friend whose mom would call her 4 or 5 times a day. She really did just have to put her foot down eventually.
You can answer and just immediately say, hi mom, so good to hear from you, I only have 5 minutes right now but what's up? Then after 5 minutes you interrupt her if necessary and say, ok, sorry mom I gotta go now but I'll talk soon, I love you! And then hang up. Even if she tries to stop you.
(I wouldn't necessarily recommend not picking up at all, as that led the friend's mom to assume she was lying in a ditch somewhere.)
posted by showbiz_liz at 12:14 PM on June 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
You can answer and just immediately say, hi mom, so good to hear from you, I only have 5 minutes right now but what's up? Then after 5 minutes you interrupt her if necessary and say, ok, sorry mom I gotta go now but I'll talk soon, I love you! And then hang up. Even if she tries to stop you.
(I wouldn't necessarily recommend not picking up at all, as that led the friend's mom to assume she was lying in a ditch somewhere.)
posted by showbiz_liz at 12:14 PM on June 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
Stop answering the darn phone!
Your mom is not the problem here, not really. It's you -- you don't know how to set boundaries. Maybe because she's your mom, and there's the whole filial responsibility trip.
Stop answering the darn phone. Eventually, you will stop feeling bad about it. And your mom will -- ah ha! -- be forced to find other ways to burn off her excess energy and/or loneliness.
Every time you pick up the phone, you are enabling her to not fix what's driving her to call you every day. Do her a favor: stop answering the darn phone!
posted by gsh at 12:16 PM on June 3, 2015 [7 favorites]
Your mom is not the problem here, not really. It's you -- you don't know how to set boundaries. Maybe because she's your mom, and there's the whole filial responsibility trip.
Stop answering the darn phone. Eventually, you will stop feeling bad about it. And your mom will -- ah ha! -- be forced to find other ways to burn off her excess energy and/or loneliness.
Every time you pick up the phone, you are enabling her to not fix what's driving her to call you every day. Do her a favor: stop answering the darn phone!
posted by gsh at 12:16 PM on June 3, 2015 [7 favorites]
I feel you; I have an elderly mother who LURVES to talk to her children, and she figures I'm elected because I have no children while my brother has three.
While I understand the answers saying "She's your mother, you should talk to her," I'm guessing that the people giving those answers don't have parents who take the position that you should be available to them at all times. Changes the landscape a bit when you do. I love my mother and appreciate everything she's done for me (which is a lot), but at the same time, I'm an adult with my own life and obligations, and I'm not obliged to give a significant portion of that to my parent, who is, after all, an adult and not a child. Same goes for you.
I've dealt with it by teaching her to text. Truly. Once she got a smartphone, she learned to love it, and it limits the conversation time because it's easier for me to text back when I'm actually free to do so rather than get on the phone where my time is completely monopolized. Of course, if your mother isn't down with that, then I second the advice to just stop picking up the phone every time. That's what I eventually had to do. It's difficult -- it was for me, certainly -- but that's pretty much the only way to handle it, because once you pick up, you're fair game as far as she's concerned and it becomes much harder because, as you noted, you get into the loop of being annoyed, sounding annoyed, having to have a conversation as to why you're annoyed, on and on ad nauseam. I would also second the advice to say at the beginning, "Hey, I have only a couple minutes, what's up?" That's another strategy that's been successful for me too.
(I'm always kind of bemused, btw, in the true sense of that word, at the answers on AskMe telling people just cut off parents the way you would a telemarketer, as if it's that simple and as though the OP hasn't thought of that. Yes, of course you can just physically say "bye" and then put down the phone; emotionally, it's really not quite that simple, which is the point of these questions.)
posted by holborne at 12:26 PM on June 3, 2015 [22 favorites]
While I understand the answers saying "She's your mother, you should talk to her," I'm guessing that the people giving those answers don't have parents who take the position that you should be available to them at all times. Changes the landscape a bit when you do. I love my mother and appreciate everything she's done for me (which is a lot), but at the same time, I'm an adult with my own life and obligations, and I'm not obliged to give a significant portion of that to my parent, who is, after all, an adult and not a child. Same goes for you.
I've dealt with it by teaching her to text. Truly. Once she got a smartphone, she learned to love it, and it limits the conversation time because it's easier for me to text back when I'm actually free to do so rather than get on the phone where my time is completely monopolized. Of course, if your mother isn't down with that, then I second the advice to just stop picking up the phone every time. That's what I eventually had to do. It's difficult -- it was for me, certainly -- but that's pretty much the only way to handle it, because once you pick up, you're fair game as far as she's concerned and it becomes much harder because, as you noted, you get into the loop of being annoyed, sounding annoyed, having to have a conversation as to why you're annoyed, on and on ad nauseam. I would also second the advice to say at the beginning, "Hey, I have only a couple minutes, what's up?" That's another strategy that's been successful for me too.
(I'm always kind of bemused, btw, in the true sense of that word, at the answers on AskMe telling people just cut off parents the way you would a telemarketer, as if it's that simple and as though the OP hasn't thought of that. Yes, of course you can just physically say "bye" and then put down the phone; emotionally, it's really not quite that simple, which is the point of these questions.)
posted by holborne at 12:26 PM on June 3, 2015 [22 favorites]
Before you just stop answering the phone and possibly hurting your mother's feelings in the process, creating more anxiety, and even more clingy phone calls, you could try having a direct and respectful conversation where you actually talk about your needs instead of making excuses.
Talk with your mom and set an actual schedule for chatting. The conversation could be something like this, "Mom, I really enjoy speaking with you, but I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed by the number of calls. I want our conversations to be something we both look forward to and have the time to enjoy. It would be best for me if we could talk on Wednesdays and Saturdays at such and such time. How does that sound?"
If she pushes back, then you can get more assertive and say, "Mom, I really appreciate that you want to be connected. I'm not able to talk with you every single day. I can set aside time to have a good conversation with you on Wednesdays and Saturdays so that's what I'm going to do."
And then you can communicate in other ways to make her feel loved. Send a quick email or post something nice on her Facebook page (assuming she uses these things) to let her know that you're thinking of her.
You could even go all old school and send her post cards. Send her some flowers once a month.
I think if you replace the calls with other forms of communication that let your mom know you are thinking about her and care about her, that will assuage some of her anxiety.
posted by brookeb at 12:27 PM on June 3, 2015 [11 favorites]
Talk with your mom and set an actual schedule for chatting. The conversation could be something like this, "Mom, I really enjoy speaking with you, but I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed by the number of calls. I want our conversations to be something we both look forward to and have the time to enjoy. It would be best for me if we could talk on Wednesdays and Saturdays at such and such time. How does that sound?"
If she pushes back, then you can get more assertive and say, "Mom, I really appreciate that you want to be connected. I'm not able to talk with you every single day. I can set aside time to have a good conversation with you on Wednesdays and Saturdays so that's what I'm going to do."
And then you can communicate in other ways to make her feel loved. Send a quick email or post something nice on her Facebook page (assuming she uses these things) to let her know that you're thinking of her.
You could even go all old school and send her post cards. Send her some flowers once a month.
I think if you replace the calls with other forms of communication that let your mom know you are thinking about her and care about her, that will assuage some of her anxiety.
posted by brookeb at 12:27 PM on June 3, 2015 [11 favorites]
It sounds like she's very lonely (understandable!) and, unfortunately, lacking in self-awareness (annoying!) to realize how much she's burdening you here. I think everyone above has given you a good script with techniques. Do you feel you could be really honest with your mom about setting this new boundary or would it be best to show her through your actions, slowly by surely?
I agree that helping her find new friends or activities would be helpful and kind in the long-term if possible. Would you like our advice for this as well?
posted by smorgasbord at 12:27 PM on June 3, 2015
I agree that helping her find new friends or activities would be helpful and kind in the long-term if possible. Would you like our advice for this as well?
posted by smorgasbord at 12:27 PM on June 3, 2015
My dear father (now passed) would do this to me. He was very depressed and would repeat the same stories each time, and I'd repeat the same responses, or try to change the subject and remind him of good memories, or tell him good news about myself. It always went back to reasons for him to be depressed.*
It was exhausting, and continued for a long time. I finally realized that, regardless of my love for him, I couldn't continue this way. I had begun dating my now-wife, and his weekly calls sucked all the joy out of my life.
So, I stopped answering. I did tell him that if I didn't answer I'd see his name on my caller ID, and that I would call him back as soon as I could. I followed through on that promise. I would schedule my calls to him when doing housework, and have my bluetooth in so I could have my hands free. I'd tell him up front that I only had a little bit of time, and not to be offended when I had to go.
That actually worked very well. I know it's exhausting, and not talking can be guilt-inducing, but there is no reason to be guilty for living your life. I often see Facebook memes about "I'd give anything to talk just one more time to my mom/dad." I appreciate the sentiment, but... if it's one more hourlong depression-session? No thanks. I would have loved for him to be happier, but I couldn't fix that.
[*Related side-story: To help us have something other than depressing topics to discuss, I sent him a DVD collection of his favorite TV show from when I was a kid: The Johnny Cash Show. When I next spoke to him, I asked how he liked the DVDs, thinking it would spur good memories, and that he would enjoy hearing music that he may not have heard in a long time. His response: "Hey, thanks, man, I really appreciate it! There were lots of great singers on those shows and some I didn't like at the time, 'cause I just thought they were hippies! But now I see they are really good! But then I started thinking... you know... most of those people are either dead now, or really old, so it's just kinda depressing, you know?" Oh well.]
posted by The Deej at 12:34 PM on June 3, 2015 [7 favorites]
It was exhausting, and continued for a long time. I finally realized that, regardless of my love for him, I couldn't continue this way. I had begun dating my now-wife, and his weekly calls sucked all the joy out of my life.
So, I stopped answering. I did tell him that if I didn't answer I'd see his name on my caller ID, and that I would call him back as soon as I could. I followed through on that promise. I would schedule my calls to him when doing housework, and have my bluetooth in so I could have my hands free. I'd tell him up front that I only had a little bit of time, and not to be offended when I had to go.
That actually worked very well. I know it's exhausting, and not talking can be guilt-inducing, but there is no reason to be guilty for living your life. I often see Facebook memes about "I'd give anything to talk just one more time to my mom/dad." I appreciate the sentiment, but... if it's one more hourlong depression-session? No thanks. I would have loved for him to be happier, but I couldn't fix that.
[*Related side-story: To help us have something other than depressing topics to discuss, I sent him a DVD collection of his favorite TV show from when I was a kid: The Johnny Cash Show. When I next spoke to him, I asked how he liked the DVDs, thinking it would spur good memories, and that he would enjoy hearing music that he may not have heard in a long time. His response: "Hey, thanks, man, I really appreciate it! There were lots of great singers on those shows and some I didn't like at the time, 'cause I just thought they were hippies! But now I see they are really good! But then I started thinking... you know... most of those people are either dead now, or really old, so it's just kinda depressing, you know?" Oh well.]
posted by The Deej at 12:34 PM on June 3, 2015 [7 favorites]
I agree with BrookeB's idea to set a schedule for chats with mom. "Mom, I can talk to you on Monday and Thursday evenings from 7 to 8, and Sunday afternoon from 2 to 3." (for example) Then, stick to the boundaries. Just because you are single and childless doesn't mean you have no life, and can live at mom's beck and call - emphasize this. (And believe in it yourself!)
It may be that when you and mom are chatting only a few times a week, instead of every day, you will enjoy talking to her more.
Agreed on getting mom to text or email if possible. And also agree that if mom is lonely and/or bored, helping her get interested in new people and things is a great idea. Does she have other family and/or friends to call? Does she have friends in the area to visit? Being a single or widowed elderly parent's only social outlet is not only draining, it's not really sustainable for either you or your mom.
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 12:36 PM on June 3, 2015 [2 favorites]
It may be that when you and mom are chatting only a few times a week, instead of every day, you will enjoy talking to her more.
Agreed on getting mom to text or email if possible. And also agree that if mom is lonely and/or bored, helping her get interested in new people and things is a great idea. Does she have other family and/or friends to call? Does she have friends in the area to visit? Being a single or widowed elderly parent's only social outlet is not only draining, it's not really sustainable for either you or your mom.
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 12:36 PM on June 3, 2015 [2 favorites]
Don't answer? That's kind of the best solution here, especially since you have trouble ending your calls with her once you start one. So don't pick up and next time you talk, say your phone was on silent, or say you were out shopping when she called and it got too late to call her back. I don't answer most of my calls. Or don't even give an excuse. If your mom is on email or text, shoot her a note every now and then and try to move your communication off the phone.
Also, forgive me, but you mention you "set the phone down" and she doesn't know you aren't listening. Are you talking about a physical land line? Speaker phone is your friend. I have a lot of conference calls I am forced to be on that aren't relevant to me, so I put them on speaker phone and mute myself so I can do the dishes or other stuff and still hear what is going on if I am needed. If you literally just sit there with a phone up to your ear and listen to your mom re-tell you the plot of a movie, then yeah, I can see how this would be extra frustrating because you can literally not do anything else.
posted by AppleTurnover at 12:42 PM on June 3, 2015
Also, forgive me, but you mention you "set the phone down" and she doesn't know you aren't listening. Are you talking about a physical land line? Speaker phone is your friend. I have a lot of conference calls I am forced to be on that aren't relevant to me, so I put them on speaker phone and mute myself so I can do the dishes or other stuff and still hear what is going on if I am needed. If you literally just sit there with a phone up to your ear and listen to your mom re-tell you the plot of a movie, then yeah, I can see how this would be extra frustrating because you can literally not do anything else.
posted by AppleTurnover at 12:42 PM on June 3, 2015
Start with scheduling a specific time for her to call, maybe twice a week. Then just don't pick up the phone at any other times (emergencies excepted) --- don't even pick up the phone to tell her to call back at her scheduled day/time, because that'll just reopen the floodgates to daily calls. Get caller ID if you don't already have it, let her calls go to voicemail, whatever, but don't pick up the phone and don't call back at anything but her scheduled calling times.
Also: can she email? If she can, that'd be great: she could write long monologs to you daily if she wanted and your time would still be freed.
posted by easily confused at 12:46 PM on June 3, 2015
Also: can she email? If she can, that'd be great: she could write long monologs to you daily if she wanted and your time would still be freed.
posted by easily confused at 12:46 PM on June 3, 2015
Is she on Facebook? Get her on Facebook. Facebook fills a lot of the needs your mom is getting filled by these phone calls.
posted by Jacqueline at 1:03 PM on June 3, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by Jacqueline at 1:03 PM on June 3, 2015 [4 favorites]
Came to say exactly what Jacqueline said. Get this woman on Facebook, stat! Get her on facebook, get her texting. Have the other siblings chip in to get her a decent tablet so she can do this from the comfort of an easy chair. Get her a tablet on an operating system you're familiar with so you can walk her through things if she gets stuck. If she has wifi access, awesome. If not, have all the siblings chip in for a data plan as well.
We got my grandma a kindle fire a few years back, made her a facebook account, and taught her how to text, and I cannot even describe to you the increase in her social quality of life. (And Gram is 91, and as much as we all love her, she's not the sharpest knife in the drawer, so believe me when I tell you that it's entirely possible for your mother to figure this out.)
Gram went from calling my mom every single day to every few days instead. She can text us when she's feeling lonely and we'll always text back, and if we have the time we can pick up the phone and give her a call. She's able to reconnect with old friends on facebook, follow random pages that have pretty flower pictures or inspirational quotes, and just kind of get to eavesdrop on our daily lives without having to drain an hour+ with a phone call.
Best decision we ever made for her. I think it'll make a world of difference in your case. Especially since your mom apparently has several grandkids this will be great. It'll be so easy for your other siblings to send her pictures of her grandchildren that I suspect she'll lay off you a bit and switch her primary attention focus to them.
posted by phunniemee at 1:20 PM on June 3, 2015 [7 favorites]
We got my grandma a kindle fire a few years back, made her a facebook account, and taught her how to text, and I cannot even describe to you the increase in her social quality of life. (And Gram is 91, and as much as we all love her, she's not the sharpest knife in the drawer, so believe me when I tell you that it's entirely possible for your mother to figure this out.)
Gram went from calling my mom every single day to every few days instead. She can text us when she's feeling lonely and we'll always text back, and if we have the time we can pick up the phone and give her a call. She's able to reconnect with old friends on facebook, follow random pages that have pretty flower pictures or inspirational quotes, and just kind of get to eavesdrop on our daily lives without having to drain an hour+ with a phone call.
Best decision we ever made for her. I think it'll make a world of difference in your case. Especially since your mom apparently has several grandkids this will be great. It'll be so easy for your other siblings to send her pictures of her grandchildren that I suspect she'll lay off you a bit and switch her primary attention focus to them.
posted by phunniemee at 1:20 PM on June 3, 2015 [7 favorites]
Before you just stop answering the phone and possibly hurting your mother's feelings in the process, creating more anxiety, and even more clingy phone calls, you could try having a direct and respectful conversation where you actually talk about your needs instead of making excuses.
Seriously. Has anyone here actually dealt with this? The ignoring the call suggestions just turn in to panic calls and even calling friends/your partner/etc, the "i have to go" NEVER works until the tenth time 20 minutes later.
You need to have a direct conversation and set boundaries, then stick to them. Just doing the classic mefi slow fade/ghost will not work here. It's not the panacea of setting implicit boundaries it gets presented as. Ugh.
posted by emptythought at 1:26 PM on June 3, 2015 [12 favorites]
Seriously. Has anyone here actually dealt with this? The ignoring the call suggestions just turn in to panic calls and even calling friends/your partner/etc, the "i have to go" NEVER works until the tenth time 20 minutes later.
You need to have a direct conversation and set boundaries, then stick to them. Just doing the classic mefi slow fade/ghost will not work here. It's not the panacea of setting implicit boundaries it gets presented as. Ugh.
posted by emptythought at 1:26 PM on June 3, 2015 [12 favorites]
Seriously. Has anyone here actually dealt with this?
I take it this is not a rhetorical question, so: yes, I have actually dealt with this, as I noted, by switching to texting and not picking up the phone every time. The suggestions here haven't said, as far as I can see, that you should stop picking up the phone entirely, but that you don't pick up for every single call. That's it. Of course, this would be accompanied by either texting or emailing so that your mother knows you're all right. The suggestion is not to simply stop accepting phone calls altogether.
I will also note that for me, the direct conversation method has been completely ineffective, as it's accompanied by denials that she calls that often and then continuation of the same behavior. Mileage varies, of course, so the OP should of course decide which method would likely by most effective with their mother.
posted by holborne at 1:46 PM on June 3, 2015 [3 favorites]
I take it this is not a rhetorical question, so: yes, I have actually dealt with this, as I noted, by switching to texting and not picking up the phone every time. The suggestions here haven't said, as far as I can see, that you should stop picking up the phone entirely, but that you don't pick up for every single call. That's it. Of course, this would be accompanied by either texting or emailing so that your mother knows you're all right. The suggestion is not to simply stop accepting phone calls altogether.
I will also note that for me, the direct conversation method has been completely ineffective, as it's accompanied by denials that she calls that often and then continuation of the same behavior. Mileage varies, of course, so the OP should of course decide which method would likely by most effective with their mother.
posted by holborne at 1:46 PM on June 3, 2015 [3 favorites]
My mom is also very very chatty (though she's also very busy, so it's a different situation), and I find it much easier to talk to her more frequently for shorter periods of time. I usually call her on my way to work (<1>
I suspect you'd have more success trying for shorter conversations rather than less frequent conversations, and I also highly recommend having your longer conversations with her while you are getting stuff done around the house.
posted by insectosaurus at 1:55 PM on June 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
I suspect you'd have more success trying for shorter conversations rather than less frequent conversations, and I also highly recommend having your longer conversations with her while you are getting stuff done around the house.
posted by insectosaurus at 1:55 PM on June 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
I don't know if this would work for you, but I schedule phone calls with my mom during my (walking) commute to and/or from work. If you drive to work I could also see this working on speakerphone (especially if you have a nice bluetooth setup in your car). It's nice because I can't get a lot else "accomplished" during that time (other than listening to music or podcasts, I suppose, which I do as well when not on the phone), and because there's a clear end time -- "Ok, I'm outside my office and need to go up, I'll talk to you soon!" Plus, if there's rambling on her end, I can just sort of people watch/observe my surroundings/etc. and not focus solely on whatever story is being told. :) I will also do this while prepping dinner or washing dishes, with a bluetooth headset (it seems to work well at picking up my voice while not making whatever food prep/dishwashing noises I'm making overly audible).
posted by rainbowbrite at 1:57 PM on June 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by rainbowbrite at 1:57 PM on June 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
Yeah, the explicit boundary-setting conversation is unlikely to work. 2nd speakerphone or headset suggestions.
Otherwise, what works for me in terms of balancing obligation and personal comfort is managing things by mixing it up. From your mom's POV, the hour is a focal point of the day, no doubt, and disrupting that stability may cause her some distress. But you've got to be self-protective, too.
So for me, Monday = a 10-minute conversation, possibly ended by a "surprise" interruption ("Oh hey, look, I've got to go, sorry - speak to you tomorrow!"). Tuesday = call goes to voicemail. Wednesday = committing to the hour (headset, laundry). Thursday = a 15-20 minute convo again. Saturday = another hour.
Also 2nd encouraging your mom to get in touch with old friends via FaceBook or Skype (or just the white pages).
Also, do something immediately afterward to get rid of whatever emotional hangover results to find your own energy again. Splash some water on your face, go for a walk, do some burpees, put on some upbeat music.
posted by cotton dress sock at 2:10 PM on June 3, 2015
Otherwise, what works for me in terms of balancing obligation and personal comfort is managing things by mixing it up. From your mom's POV, the hour is a focal point of the day, no doubt, and disrupting that stability may cause her some distress. But you've got to be self-protective, too.
So for me, Monday = a 10-minute conversation, possibly ended by a "surprise" interruption ("Oh hey, look, I've got to go, sorry - speak to you tomorrow!"). Tuesday = call goes to voicemail. Wednesday = committing to the hour (headset, laundry). Thursday = a 15-20 minute convo again. Saturday = another hour.
Also 2nd encouraging your mom to get in touch with old friends via FaceBook or Skype (or just the white pages).
Also, do something immediately afterward to get rid of whatever emotional hangover results to find your own energy again. Splash some water on your face, go for a walk, do some burpees, put on some upbeat music.
posted by cotton dress sock at 2:10 PM on June 3, 2015
I have had to set up boundaries with my mom. She cannot call me at work. Period. Not for anything. I will not pick up.
"But what if it's an emergency?"
"Text."
She also cannot call after 8 p.m. I go to bed very early and I am not ending my day with her drama. Period.
You may not need to set such harsh boundaries, but you do need to set some.
posted by Sophie1 at 2:13 PM on June 3, 2015 [4 favorites]
"But what if it's an emergency?"
"Text."
She also cannot call after 8 p.m. I go to bed very early and I am not ending my day with her drama. Period.
You may not need to set such harsh boundaries, but you do need to set some.
posted by Sophie1 at 2:13 PM on June 3, 2015 [4 favorites]
"Hi, mom. It is good to hear you. I have 20 minutes and then I really have to go."
"Oops, mom. I really have to go now. Talk to you tomorrow?"
"Bye."
Repeat whenever needed.
posted by Midnight Skulker at 2:34 PM on June 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
"Oops, mom. I really have to go now. Talk to you tomorrow?"
"Bye."
Repeat whenever needed.
posted by Midnight Skulker at 2:34 PM on June 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
If you're like me, it's not just the calls themselves, it's the expectation that you WILL pick up and you MUST engage that will drive you bananas.
Unfortunately, if your mom is like my dad, not picking up every day will make it worse.
Mom will be all "but whyyyyyyyy", become even more clingy. You will get more resentful the more she pressures you.
I really think you need to talk to her once about what your calling limits are, and then stick to them. Also avoid promises (I can talk every Saturday morning!) because what if you want to go cycling instead? Being in a strict schedule will also make you resentful.
posted by Omnomnom at 2:46 PM on June 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
Unfortunately, if your mom is like my dad, not picking up every day will make it worse.
Mom will be all "but whyyyyyyyy", become even more clingy. You will get more resentful the more she pressures you.
I really think you need to talk to her once about what your calling limits are, and then stick to them. Also avoid promises (I can talk every Saturday morning!) because what if you want to go cycling instead? Being in a strict schedule will also make you resentful.
posted by Omnomnom at 2:46 PM on June 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
My mother sounds pretty similar. She goes in for the stream-of consciousness monologue right away, and it doesn't matter how much she's already told me via email. For her, the "conversations" have very little to do with the content, and I am guessing your mother is the same why.
Which is why it is unlikely that expressing boundaries, etc. will work. I've set boundaries with my mom about things (the phone calls, expectations that I'll be her tech support at any time, etc.) and not even ten minutes later she's "forgotten" or she claims she didn't understand what I meant. So the thing to do is not to ask her how to treat me but to tell her how she will treat me. I don't always have the guts for this.
I love my mom and she has a lot of good qualities. It's *hard* to ignore her phone calls, turn off my ringer, etc. Plus, my mom totally plays on the whole thing where since I don't work or have any kids, I'm sure to be available whenever.
Yeah, she pouts at first if I start being less available. I try to think of it as being when a kid craves discipline but still fusses. She makes odd conjectures about why I'm not reachable, just like she nicknamed my sister "Miss Unavailable" long ago. If your mother does something similar, just ignore it as best you can and change the subject quickly. It may be uncomfortable, but it's better than spending hours listening to summaries of tv shows.
posted by mermaidcafe at 3:36 PM on June 3, 2015
Which is why it is unlikely that expressing boundaries, etc. will work. I've set boundaries with my mom about things (the phone calls, expectations that I'll be her tech support at any time, etc.) and not even ten minutes later she's "forgotten" or she claims she didn't understand what I meant. So the thing to do is not to ask her how to treat me but to tell her how she will treat me. I don't always have the guts for this.
I love my mom and she has a lot of good qualities. It's *hard* to ignore her phone calls, turn off my ringer, etc. Plus, my mom totally plays on the whole thing where since I don't work or have any kids, I'm sure to be available whenever.
Yeah, she pouts at first if I start being less available. I try to think of it as being when a kid craves discipline but still fusses. She makes odd conjectures about why I'm not reachable, just like she nicknamed my sister "Miss Unavailable" long ago. If your mother does something similar, just ignore it as best you can and change the subject quickly. It may be uncomfortable, but it's better than spending hours listening to summaries of tv shows.
posted by mermaidcafe at 3:36 PM on June 3, 2015
I guess it really depends on what works with your mom.
When I first moved out of my parents' house, my mom would call almost every day. If I didn't pick up, I'd get texts like "WHERE ARE YOU??? ARE YOU OK????" which I am sure would have escalated to frantic calls to my siblings/friends/etc.
Then I moved abroad, so I'd schedule calls to her. "Mom, I can only talk on Saturdays from 7-8 PM. I need to get up at 4 AM (true story) on weekdays so let me call you, OK?" I got lot of "I just want to talk to you because I love you, you don't make yourself available to me" type of comments, but I tried not to let it affect me. It helped that I lived abroad, I guess.
Now, when she calls, I automatically set my alarm for 30 min later. "Mom, I need to go. Talk to you next week, bye!" and hang up even if she is still talking.
Some combination of these may work for you.
posted by xmts at 4:03 PM on June 3, 2015
When I first moved out of my parents' house, my mom would call almost every day. If I didn't pick up, I'd get texts like "WHERE ARE YOU??? ARE YOU OK????" which I am sure would have escalated to frantic calls to my siblings/friends/etc.
Then I moved abroad, so I'd schedule calls to her. "Mom, I can only talk on Saturdays from 7-8 PM. I need to get up at 4 AM (true story) on weekdays so let me call you, OK?" I got lot of "I just want to talk to you because I love you, you don't make yourself available to me" type of comments, but I tried not to let it affect me. It helped that I lived abroad, I guess.
Now, when she calls, I automatically set my alarm for 30 min later. "Mom, I need to go. Talk to you next week, bye!" and hang up even if she is still talking.
Some combination of these may work for you.
posted by xmts at 4:03 PM on June 3, 2015
I recently learned that my mom talks daily to my three siblings. I live 2,000 miles away from her, so I was surprised to find this out, since I only talk to her 2 or 3 times a month. I don't *want* to talk to her daily, for the record - I'm fine with things the way they are now.
After asking my siblings about it, it became clear that I had set strong boundaries several years ago when I first moved far away. I made it clear then that the time difference meant they were constantly calling me while I was at work, while we were eating dinner, while we were at church, etc. and I asked them to only call certain times of the day.
They didn't like the boundaries, at first, and treated me like a callous, uncaring family member. But they are used to it now and I have my freedom.
posted by tacodave at 4:15 PM on June 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
After asking my siblings about it, it became clear that I had set strong boundaries several years ago when I first moved far away. I made it clear then that the time difference meant they were constantly calling me while I was at work, while we were eating dinner, while we were at church, etc. and I asked them to only call certain times of the day.
They didn't like the boundaries, at first, and treated me like a callous, uncaring family member. But they are used to it now and I have my freedom.
posted by tacodave at 4:15 PM on June 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
Oh man, be careful with the switching to text. It may backfire.
I now get upward of 15 - 25 texts a day, literally burying the ones from my boss/friends/significant other. Not to mention my phone buzzes *constantly.* All day, every day.
If you do this route, here's my newest tack:
* Tell her you can't answer texts before 7, because you're at work.
* Literally sign off the conversation once you're done texting. She's from another generation and doesn't realize that this isn't a phone call. When you want to stop getting texts and you've heard all about the cats antics, text something like, "Okay mama! I gotta run. Love you, talk to you soon."
That last one is especially magical.
posted by functionequalsform at 5:14 PM on June 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
I now get upward of 15 - 25 texts a day, literally burying the ones from my boss/friends/significant other. Not to mention my phone buzzes *constantly.* All day, every day.
If you do this route, here's my newest tack:
* Tell her you can't answer texts before 7, because you're at work.
* Literally sign off the conversation once you're done texting. She's from another generation and doesn't realize that this isn't a phone call. When you want to stop getting texts and you've heard all about the cats antics, text something like, "Okay mama! I gotta run. Love you, talk to you soon."
That last one is especially magical.
posted by functionequalsform at 5:14 PM on June 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
Mom is bored, lonely and has developed a bad habit. Talk to her about this stuff. Mom, how can I help you find stuff to do in Yourtown? When she says she's fine, respond that you can't spend an hour a day on the phone with her, and perhaps she's like to try the knitting course at adult education, or volunteering at the hospital or whatever. And, yeah, do the other stuff, but she's a person, she's lonely. Also, take charge of the conversation. Learn about your grandparents, about what school was like for her, whatever. 15 minutes of meaningful conversation is good.
posted by theora55 at 6:51 PM on June 3, 2015
posted by theora55 at 6:51 PM on June 3, 2015
Call her on bluetooth during your commute home (assuming you drive.) Then it is done and you don't have to worry about her calling you during the evening. When you arrive home that's it, "ok I'm home, gotta go in, love you bye."
and, for sure, Facebook.
posted by fingersandtoes at 9:26 PM on June 3, 2015
and, for sure, Facebook.
posted by fingersandtoes at 9:26 PM on June 3, 2015
You need to simply tell her that you can't talk to her everyday, but that you would love to chat once a week. She will be hurt, of course, but she will get over it. You don't need an excuse. You're an adult and her demands on your time are excessive.
posted by Gray Skies at 10:30 PM on June 3, 2015
posted by Gray Skies at 10:30 PM on June 3, 2015
I've been through this and I was about near-suicidal after calling my mom every day for over a year and hearing nothing but terrible medical stuff about my dad.
My suggestions:
(a) Come up with some nighttime activities that mean you're busy and CAN'T TALK. Can't talk tonight, I'm in a class until 10, that sort of thing.
(b) Encourage her to find her own interests, if possible and if she's willing (though yeah, most moms don't seem to be, especially if there's television)
(c) "I have to go to the bathroom." I don't know if your mom expects you to drag the phone in there for that, but that's where I draw the line and she LETS me draw the line.
(d) Speakerphone, as others said.
(e) Designated Phone Call Days. I have to call her Wednesdays and Sundays, no matter what (sigh)...and sometimes she wants it to bleed into other days too.... but it somewhat helps.
posted by jenfullmoon at 10:51 PM on June 3, 2015
My suggestions:
(a) Come up with some nighttime activities that mean you're busy and CAN'T TALK. Can't talk tonight, I'm in a class until 10, that sort of thing.
(b) Encourage her to find her own interests, if possible and if she's willing (though yeah, most moms don't seem to be, especially if there's television)
(c) "I have to go to the bathroom." I don't know if your mom expects you to drag the phone in there for that, but that's where I draw the line and she LETS me draw the line.
(d) Speakerphone, as others said.
(e) Designated Phone Call Days. I have to call her Wednesdays and Sundays, no matter what (sigh)...and sometimes she wants it to bleed into other days too.... but it somewhat helps.
posted by jenfullmoon at 10:51 PM on June 3, 2015
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posted by adamrice at 11:49 AM on June 3, 2015 [3 favorites]