Tips for indulging in some femme alone time
April 25, 2015 7:27 PM Subscribe
How do I cultivate a more relaxing/sensual/sexy mood while masturbating, as a trans woman very much over old dudely habits? Vibrators, lube, and Bjork inside..
For many years, masturbating was this complex, dysphoric thing for me, and I approached it very very much in a mental and disembodied way. It was about visuals and fantasy, but also about pretending my body wasn't my body. As you might imagine, this contributed to some pretty painful dynamics in my life. I'm happy to report that I am 100% over this BS. I have enjoyed the increasing confidence and vibrancy that transition is bringing to many other parts of my life (about 5 months in). Hormones made my sex drive near nonexistent, but now I'm feeling a little color in my cheeks and ready to bring explorations to the personal, lovely space of self-pleasure.
So! My question to you is what are your best tips, tricks, strategies, whatever for cultivating and exploring what masturbation can be for me, now that it's removed from its old connotations? Already, I have started exploring by getting a vibrator, lube, and also exploring a less visual/mental and more embodied focus while going at it. I really really enjoy this! Do you have any suggestions for increasing my sense of embodiment and feeling grounded? I am interested in exploring scent a bit in some capacity (I know that I really love lavender, but I want to explore more!) As for music, I find myself super in-tune with the vibe in Bjork's Homogenic. It's personal, sensual, and electro-fuzzy without feeling too party-y (I like warm, organic electronic sounds, but I quickly feel offput by anything that makes me feel like i'm at urban outfitters or a club or anything like that.) Gillian Welch is lovely and I feel an affinity for that gentle soulful thing, though her arrangements can be a little bit too repetitive sometimes..
In terms of strategies of genital stimulation, one awesome thing about the vibrator is that I can have a decisively non-thrusty stimulation for my genitals that makes me feel more feminine and less dysphoric. I'm willing to explore other types of stimulation including anal in the long term, but it still scares me. And in general, after years of having sex in ways that sucked for me, and after a childhood full of sexual threat and emotional abuse, I'm trying to be really patient and gentle with myself. I'd like to explore more all-over and body-engaging stimulation than just try new penetrative techniques or whatnot. If that makes sense. Also, I have almost never used lube in the past (I know) and juuust got my first water-based lube, which I've tried and liked.
I think I'm off to a good start, but I would love more ideas to play with, including any kinds of strategies, games, ways to really concentrate on sensation, etc. thank you!
For many years, masturbating was this complex, dysphoric thing for me, and I approached it very very much in a mental and disembodied way. It was about visuals and fantasy, but also about pretending my body wasn't my body. As you might imagine, this contributed to some pretty painful dynamics in my life. I'm happy to report that I am 100% over this BS. I have enjoyed the increasing confidence and vibrancy that transition is bringing to many other parts of my life (about 5 months in). Hormones made my sex drive near nonexistent, but now I'm feeling a little color in my cheeks and ready to bring explorations to the personal, lovely space of self-pleasure.
So! My question to you is what are your best tips, tricks, strategies, whatever for cultivating and exploring what masturbation can be for me, now that it's removed from its old connotations? Already, I have started exploring by getting a vibrator, lube, and also exploring a less visual/mental and more embodied focus while going at it. I really really enjoy this! Do you have any suggestions for increasing my sense of embodiment and feeling grounded? I am interested in exploring scent a bit in some capacity (I know that I really love lavender, but I want to explore more!) As for music, I find myself super in-tune with the vibe in Bjork's Homogenic. It's personal, sensual, and electro-fuzzy without feeling too party-y (I like warm, organic electronic sounds, but I quickly feel offput by anything that makes me feel like i'm at urban outfitters or a club or anything like that.) Gillian Welch is lovely and I feel an affinity for that gentle soulful thing, though her arrangements can be a little bit too repetitive sometimes..
In terms of strategies of genital stimulation, one awesome thing about the vibrator is that I can have a decisively non-thrusty stimulation for my genitals that makes me feel more feminine and less dysphoric. I'm willing to explore other types of stimulation including anal in the long term, but it still scares me. And in general, after years of having sex in ways that sucked for me, and after a childhood full of sexual threat and emotional abuse, I'm trying to be really patient and gentle with myself. I'd like to explore more all-over and body-engaging stimulation than just try new penetrative techniques or whatnot. If that makes sense. Also, I have almost never used lube in the past (I know) and juuust got my first water-based lube, which I've tried and liked.
I think I'm off to a good start, but I would love more ideas to play with, including any kinds of strategies, games, ways to really concentrate on sensation, etc. thank you!
Echoing Marie Mon Dieu. Fantasy is your friend. Browse Netflix, PornMD.com, whatevier rocks your boat. When you masturbate, you get to do WHATEVER rocks your boat!
Suck your thumb, sniff some lavender, read a Jane Austen novel, rub some almond oil into your toenails, check out a 2002 Livejournal post, thumb through Vogue magazine, browse whatever sub of Pinterest/Reddit/Instagram/YouTube rocks your boat... anything goes. Just enjoy yourself!
posted by Yellow Silver Maple at 7:54 PM on April 25, 2015 [3 favorites]
Suck your thumb, sniff some lavender, read a Jane Austen novel, rub some almond oil into your toenails, check out a 2002 Livejournal post, thumb through Vogue magazine, browse whatever sub of Pinterest/Reddit/Instagram/YouTube rocks your boat... anything goes. Just enjoy yourself!
posted by Yellow Silver Maple at 7:54 PM on April 25, 2015 [3 favorites]
I am interested in exploring scent a bit in some capacity
My partner uses Lush bath and scent products, and even though I am someone who hates artificial scents, I find those smells to be attractive and sensual. With Lush and other quality brands, there should be lots of options for experimentation.
posted by Dip Flash at 7:55 PM on April 25, 2015
My partner uses Lush bath and scent products, and even though I am someone who hates artificial scents, I find those smells to be attractive and sensual. With Lush and other quality brands, there should be lots of options for experimentation.
posted by Dip Flash at 7:55 PM on April 25, 2015
Ohmibod makes vibrators that pulse to music on apple devices.
posted by brujita at 8:59 PM on April 25, 2015
posted by brujita at 8:59 PM on April 25, 2015
Do you moisturize? If you have a normal everyday lotion then go looking for a different one with a subtle scent and the perfect feel on your fingers, and if you don't usually moisturize all the time then you get to start exploring from scratch. Then, use it! But don't just use it on your knees and elbows or whatever. Anywhere you have skin, as long as your lotion doesn't have any weird particulates in it, use it to help you explore the different textures and sensations of your own body. Regardless of genitalia, people have dozens of idiosyncratic hotspots all over ourselves, and it's your new fun task to find them. Of course they can also change over time and with your mood and possibly your transition, too. If you don't have sensitive skin, a drop of essential oil mixed in with an otherwise almost-scent-free lotion is a nice way to enjoy different scents, but test the oil on yourself somewhere first! Nobody wants their bits in a rash from eucalyptus.
It might be nice for you to redefine your goals for this so orgasm isn't the point, just a delightful but not definite part of what you're doing. I think that if you're really focused on your orgasm you might have a more difficult time enjoying other sensations you encounter on your way. This way, as your hormones/life/whatever affects your sex drive in whatever way, you can still use self pleasure as a soothing and well-deserved reward.
Hoard a bunch of Bed Bath & Beyond coupons. (No, seriously, hear me out.) They don't expire and you can stack them on a single purchase. You can get stuff at like, 99% off. Get yourself a pile of firm pillows in various shapes and really soft or smooth bedding. They also have lots of pampering bath things if you're into that, and even scent diffusers. But anyway, use your pillows to support your body comfortably in new positions. Lift your hips, or support your side, or help keep your knees bent. If you usually sit, stand. If you usually lie down, flip over. Use pillows to help you be comfortable so you can concentrate on feeling other things, too.
I have to third the suggestion for written erotica. It might seem antithetical to the whole grounding yourself in your own body thing, but it can also give you new ideas to try out or help you get more comfortable with things you're scared about or just get you so into the right mood that any kind of touch will feel good.
Have fun!
posted by Mizu at 9:01 PM on April 25, 2015
It might be nice for you to redefine your goals for this so orgasm isn't the point, just a delightful but not definite part of what you're doing. I think that if you're really focused on your orgasm you might have a more difficult time enjoying other sensations you encounter on your way. This way, as your hormones/life/whatever affects your sex drive in whatever way, you can still use self pleasure as a soothing and well-deserved reward.
Hoard a bunch of Bed Bath & Beyond coupons. (No, seriously, hear me out.) They don't expire and you can stack them on a single purchase. You can get stuff at like, 99% off. Get yourself a pile of firm pillows in various shapes and really soft or smooth bedding. They also have lots of pampering bath things if you're into that, and even scent diffusers. But anyway, use your pillows to support your body comfortably in new positions. Lift your hips, or support your side, or help keep your knees bent. If you usually sit, stand. If you usually lie down, flip over. Use pillows to help you be comfortable so you can concentrate on feeling other things, too.
I have to third the suggestion for written erotica. It might seem antithetical to the whole grounding yourself in your own body thing, but it can also give you new ideas to try out or help you get more comfortable with things you're scared about or just get you so into the right mood that any kind of touch will feel good.
Have fun!
posted by Mizu at 9:01 PM on April 25, 2015
Girl Sex 101 is a very trans-inclusive guide to playing with girl parts. Frank queer sex advice with cute illustrations that very naturally uses a variety of drawn bodies to illustrate techniques. Most of the techniques work just all good on all kinds of junk; if something works especially well on trans girls, or works best with a little modification, it outlines that clearly.
I don't know your sexual orientation but since this question is about having sex with yourself (HELL YEAH, LIKE, THE BEST KIND OF SEX) most of the techniques will apply. Lots of various petting and rubbing techniques are discussed.
If you feel comfortable with porn, I highly recommend:
Samuel Shanahoy's Queen Bee Empire (cute funny cult film that works equally well as a popcorn film and a skin flick)
Courtney Trouble's Trans Lesbians
Chelsea Poe's Fucking Mystic (she also has a film called The Submissive Mixtape coming out)
All these films include trans women having sex they enjoy and are comfortable with, without being fetishized or singled out.
posted by Juliet Banana at 9:27 PM on April 25, 2015 [8 favorites]
I don't know your sexual orientation but since this question is about having sex with yourself (HELL YEAH, LIKE, THE BEST KIND OF SEX) most of the techniques will apply. Lots of various petting and rubbing techniques are discussed.
If you feel comfortable with porn, I highly recommend:
Samuel Shanahoy's Queen Bee Empire (cute funny cult film that works equally well as a popcorn film and a skin flick)
Courtney Trouble's Trans Lesbians
Chelsea Poe's Fucking Mystic (she also has a film called The Submissive Mixtape coming out)
All these films include trans women having sex they enjoy and are comfortable with, without being fetishized or singled out.
posted by Juliet Banana at 9:27 PM on April 25, 2015 [8 favorites]
One more thing I just thought of: Lavanila Healthy Body Butter smells incredible and makes my skin so soft. I have wild skin allergies but they're very sensitive-skin friendly. Maybe take a bath or long shower, shave anything you shave (if you shave anything), slather yourself in lotion, climb into clean sheets, and explore the sensations of your skin.
posted by Juliet Banana at 1:28 PM on April 26, 2015
posted by Juliet Banana at 1:28 PM on April 26, 2015
Transwoman here.
One thing I do sometimes is to tuck everything away (tape/tight panties/whatevs) and touch a vibrator to my loins. It's a very, very different sensation from fondling my penis.
If you want to stick things in your butt, then start small and use lots of lube, and be patient. Sitting around with a butt-plug in while reading some erotica can be fun, for instance. Oh, and put down a towel you don't mind getting a little poop on; it's going to happen, and you'd rather have it be on the Sex Towel than on the bedsheets/chair/etc.
Fondle yourself. Not just things between your legs. Anywhere and everywhere that feels good. Light touches, hard squeezes, clawing yourself - play around, find out what works for you.
Dress sexily. Put on something that makes you say "look at that pretty lady"* when you look at yourself in the mirror. Feel the silk or nylon or latex or fishnets or whatever rubbing against your skin. Put yourself in a mental place where you are a beautiful sex goddess, then do what sex goddesses do when they're not having sex: lie around being lazy, looking sexy, and maybe touching yourself here and there. And of course making your space a little sexier helps too - I have a few playlists full of repetitive ambient music**, I'll put one of those on and set the lights to a red/purple preset (I am a dork who has computer-controled colored lights), and see what happens.
Don't go into it with the intent of I AM GOING TO COME AND THERE WILL BE JIZZ. Just... touch yourself, fool around. If you lose interest halfway through and wander off to have a go at the next boss in a video game that's fine. Hell, if you come back and fantasize about getting fucked by that boss after it handed your ass to you several times in a row, that's cool too, you're a grown-up and can separate reality from fantasy.
Find some erotica that tickles your fancy. Read it. Possibly fondle yourself while doing so. Lately I've been re-reading Anne Rice's 'Sleeping Beauty' trilogy, for instance. Its heavy BDSM slant may not be for you***; there's lots of erotica out there to sample and find out what fuels the fun fantasies. And then there's making your own, whether it be by writing it solo or having weird implausible fantasy text sex with someone else.
Oh! And games. yes. If you have a tablet computer then try playing Luxuria Superbia". You can play it on computers too but it really shines when you're touching those flowers with as many fingers as you need. Think about the ways it makes you manipulate intensity, try applying that to touching yourself. Also if you have a couple of controllers, the re-releases of Rez may prove... diverting.
If you want to be less visual and more about sensation, consider some kind of blindfold. Maybe a purpose-made device found in a sex shop, maybe just a scarf tied around your head. Explicitly turn off your eyes and focus on other senses. Obviously please don't run around the house blindfolded or put yourself in a dangerous position or whatever, use your common sense. Put on some music, put some toys in reach, and lie back and explore.
Oh also if you are in a state where it is legal I highly recommend getting stoned, preferably with a strain that gives you a body high rather than a mind-racing head high. If weed's not your thing then maybe get drunk. Don't get so stoned or drunk it's not fun; you want to be far enough to dull your inhibitions and relax yourself without it turning into "oh man I am way too damn stoned/drunk to have fun"
* or whatever variant of that sentiment works for you, I mean if "look at that sexy , mischievous genie" puts you into a fun, horny place then by all means pull out the belly-dance outfit.
** said playlists have stuff by, variously: plastikman, sophie, clark, kelpe, arcane device, ellen allien, future sound of london, massive attack, system 7, terry riley, the black dog, gotan project, lacunae, ozric tentacles, yagya, zombi, lisa gerrard, unkle, lemon jelly, jarre - there's the occasional voice and guitar and stuff but mostly it's just machines making dreamy noises.
*** I mean sometimes BDSM's hotness is basically 'pretend emotional abuse', which may be super empowering for you when you can make it stop at any time, or may be super triggery. I haven't suffered any emotional or physical abuse so I can't speak to how it's likely to work for someone who has.
posted by egypturnash at 9:32 PM on April 26, 2015 [1 favorite]
One thing I do sometimes is to tuck everything away (tape/tight panties/whatevs) and touch a vibrator to my loins. It's a very, very different sensation from fondling my penis.
If you want to stick things in your butt, then start small and use lots of lube, and be patient. Sitting around with a butt-plug in while reading some erotica can be fun, for instance. Oh, and put down a towel you don't mind getting a little poop on; it's going to happen, and you'd rather have it be on the Sex Towel than on the bedsheets/chair/etc.
Fondle yourself. Not just things between your legs. Anywhere and everywhere that feels good. Light touches, hard squeezes, clawing yourself - play around, find out what works for you.
Dress sexily. Put on something that makes you say "look at that pretty lady"* when you look at yourself in the mirror. Feel the silk or nylon or latex or fishnets or whatever rubbing against your skin. Put yourself in a mental place where you are a beautiful sex goddess, then do what sex goddesses do when they're not having sex: lie around being lazy, looking sexy, and maybe touching yourself here and there. And of course making your space a little sexier helps too - I have a few playlists full of repetitive ambient music**, I'll put one of those on and set the lights to a red/purple preset (I am a dork who has computer-controled colored lights), and see what happens.
Don't go into it with the intent of I AM GOING TO COME AND THERE WILL BE JIZZ. Just... touch yourself, fool around. If you lose interest halfway through and wander off to have a go at the next boss in a video game that's fine. Hell, if you come back and fantasize about getting fucked by that boss after it handed your ass to you several times in a row, that's cool too, you're a grown-up and can separate reality from fantasy.
Find some erotica that tickles your fancy. Read it. Possibly fondle yourself while doing so. Lately I've been re-reading Anne Rice's 'Sleeping Beauty' trilogy, for instance. Its heavy BDSM slant may not be for you***; there's lots of erotica out there to sample and find out what fuels the fun fantasies. And then there's making your own, whether it be by writing it solo or having weird implausible fantasy text sex with someone else.
Oh! And games. yes. If you have a tablet computer then try playing Luxuria Superbia". You can play it on computers too but it really shines when you're touching those flowers with as many fingers as you need. Think about the ways it makes you manipulate intensity, try applying that to touching yourself. Also if you have a couple of controllers, the re-releases of Rez may prove... diverting.
If you want to be less visual and more about sensation, consider some kind of blindfold. Maybe a purpose-made device found in a sex shop, maybe just a scarf tied around your head. Explicitly turn off your eyes and focus on other senses. Obviously please don't run around the house blindfolded or put yourself in a dangerous position or whatever, use your common sense. Put on some music, put some toys in reach, and lie back and explore.
Oh also if you are in a state where it is legal I highly recommend getting stoned, preferably with a strain that gives you a body high rather than a mind-racing head high. If weed's not your thing then maybe get drunk. Don't get so stoned or drunk it's not fun; you want to be far enough to dull your inhibitions and relax yourself without it turning into "oh man I am way too damn stoned/drunk to have fun"
* or whatever variant of that sentiment works for you, I mean if "look at that sexy , mischievous genie" puts you into a fun, horny place then by all means pull out the belly-dance outfit.
** said playlists have stuff by, variously: plastikman, sophie, clark, kelpe, arcane device, ellen allien, future sound of london, massive attack, system 7, terry riley, the black dog, gotan project, lacunae, ozric tentacles, yagya, zombi, lisa gerrard, unkle, lemon jelly, jarre - there's the occasional voice and guitar and stuff but mostly it's just machines making dreamy noises.
*** I mean sometimes BDSM's hotness is basically 'pretend emotional abuse', which may be super empowering for you when you can make it stop at any time, or may be super triggery. I haven't suffered any emotional or physical abuse so I can't speak to how it's likely to work for someone who has.
posted by egypturnash at 9:32 PM on April 26, 2015 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 7:48 PM on April 25, 2015