I'll miss you till I meet you
May 16, 2014 9:32 PM   Subscribe

This terrifies me a little bit...but I was wondering if you lovely people could take a look at my profile and let me know what you think of it. See anything I should improve? (I'm a woman looking to date women.)

I'm looking more for quality than quantity in my matches and dates. I subscribe to the Amy March school of dating -- "you only need one if [s]he's the right one." Okcupid has treated me okay so far, but my dates usually end with me thinking "she was totally nice and cute, but there was no real connection." I know that's the nature of online dating, but I want to make sure I'm not overlooking anything obvious that I could be doing to find people I really click with.

Thank you!
posted by zahava to Human Relations (30 answers total) 4 users marked this as a favorite
Oh my god you sound dreamy. I am straight and out of your age range and I STILL want to date you. I love your profile - it's so genuine and witty and well written. You seem amazing. Best of luck.
posted by tristeza at 9:54 PM on May 16, 2014 [20 favorites]

Yes I also would like to date you. I think you just need to go on more dates, and move to Chicago.
posted by bleep at 9:55 PM on May 16, 2014 [3 favorites]

I am also F, married and straight but liked your profile and think you sound lovely.
posted by saradarlin at 9:56 PM on May 16, 2014 [1 favorite]

It's very human, non-generic and endearing in all respects. Here's hoping you happen across a good catch who's a good match.
posted by ambient2 at 10:00 PM on May 16, 2014

I think it's a great profile and likely to attract an artsy person who is into natural living. If that's who you want, I think you're good.

(I did see a typo - Francesca Lia Block)
posted by betweenthebars at 10:01 PM on May 16, 2014 [1 favorite]

You come across like super crunchy granola. It's sweet, but be aware in case that wasn't the vibe you were trying to put across.
posted by 256 at 10:02 PM on May 16, 2014 [1 favorite]

You sound great. Let's be friends.
I don't know enough about the genre but maybe there are expectations within the lesbian dating profile narrative that someone can clue us into.
posted by k8t at 10:04 PM on May 16, 2014

Yes, totally wishing I wasn't straight so I could date you. You sound lovely. It seems like you did a really good job covering your bases and fleshing out a good sense of the type of person you are. It sounds honest and real. And when you do find someone (not everyone does, of course, but seriously, you will), I bet they will also be super lovely and you two will be amazing. Gooooood luck!!
posted by hannahelastic at 10:05 PM on May 16, 2014

Your profile is adorable and the pics are great! Also as a native Virginian, thanks for keeping us blue :)
posted by sweetkid at 10:54 PM on May 16, 2014

Your profile is great! Seriously, don't change anything. It's a numbers game, so just keep plugging away on there and you will eventually find someone you click with. I met my husband on there after a slew of some really awful and some perfectly fine dates. Good luck to you. You sound like a great catch!
posted by Sal and Richard at 10:55 PM on May 16, 2014

You're getting what you're giving. You come off as domestic, gentle, mild, and nurturing. Is that the vibe you're looking for? In one profile you mention all of the following things multiple times: flowers, yoga, being married, children, being vegetarian.
posted by unannihilated at 11:02 PM on May 16, 2014

Totally out of your target demographic, and it's a complicated issue anyway but I find your last [For Dating] note somewhat confusing: for some people, starting off with a request to take it easy (but still possibly go somewhere serious) will read like a warning that this is intended to go somewhere serious (but we'll pretend to take it easy at first). IAADating Idiot and you should maybe disregard this - otherwise everything looks ok.
posted by Dr Dracator at 11:08 PM on May 16, 2014

Agreeing with everyone else that you sound lovely, and I liked especially the bit about messaging you if "You have a favorite poem".
posted by dragonfruit at 12:04 AM on May 17, 2014

I am completely in your demographic , and i like your profile a lot. You sound smart, playful, healthy, self aware, consistent. The photos are great. You sound like you have a great, well rounded life as it is. Completely date-worthy! I hope you find someone awesome soon.
posted by MT at 12:42 AM on May 17, 2014 [2 favorites]

This might be overly direct, please forgive me. It's ok for you to aspire but it's not ok to represent your aspirational self to prospective interests. To me your profile reads as a "long walks on the beach at sunset" Deep Thoughts cliche'. List something that shows some dislike. "I hate Cilantro not on principle but because it tastes like soap and I hate nervous shoegazing music as much as I hate uncomfortable footwear and green Gummi Bears."

Your profile seems more like you are selling your ideal self to yourself. This is something that most of us have done so not a big deal. When your ideal self has a conflict with your actual self as represented there are likely to be difficulties though.

My being divorced detracts - or perhaps illustrates - my credibility.

Be yourself. And best of luck zahava.
posted by vapidave at 12:45 AM on May 17, 2014 [3 favorites]

I think that's a great, great profile. Don't change anything. Please.
posted by kariebookish at 1:03 AM on May 17, 2014 [1 favorite]

When you took your lead photo, the one of you in the bathroom, did you take a whole bunch in a row? Because your smile doesn't seem as easy and natural as in some of your other pics. (You look really natural and happy in the winter hat pic for example.)

You might also consider using the one of you apple-picking as a lead image, not only because you look cute and happy, but because having an activity photo makes it easier for people to visualise themselves spending time with you doing that activity.

Also because you look cute in hats. As somebody who looks dopey in hats, I am wildly jealous.
posted by the latin mouse at 1:33 AM on May 17, 2014 [7 favorites]

I'm not your demographic in a few variables.

As someone who doesn't have a favorite poem, I might be put off by your request to provide one.

Agreed on the dreamy feel to your profile and think that the point made by vapiddave might be good - include something negative.

Other than these two points, I think your profile and photos are pretty great. Good luck and I hope you find someone to go apple picking with (or other produce that fruits earlier in the season - berries, I guess).
posted by sciencegeek at 2:59 AM on May 17, 2014

Queer lady here. I would totally date you! But since almost everyone in this thread (even the straight folk) wants to date you too, I wonder if perhaps you've inadvertently created a profile that is sort of universally appealing to a lot of people but not specifically appealing to the right person. Everything you've written sounds so positive and lovely that would be easy for the reader to project their own hopes and preferences onto you, even if they're not actually your best match.

The question before yours involves a profile that's sort of the opposite - very specific and uncompromising, with lots of strongly worded opinions that might be deal breakers for a lot of people. It's clearly not working for her, but maybe you could reach a sort middle ground that provides a few moreā€¦I don't know, not dealbreakers per se, but statements that might turn off people who you wouldn't personally click with.

Is there anything you feel strongly about that potentially underwhelming dates might disagree with, but the right person would be enchanted by? Can you find a way to phrase that something in a way that's positive but assertive, to encourage people who aren't quite your type to look elsewhere? If you're not having trouble actually getting dates, then I think you're right to focus on quality rather than quantity - and I think that's probably going to mean being a tad less appealing to everyone in order to be more appealing to the one.
posted by embrangled at 3:05 AM on May 17, 2014 [14 favorites]

I liked it, but there was a line right up front that clunked for me: "I need quiet time but also delight in connection." "I need quiet time" kind of sounds like "sometimes I need to be alone," which may well be true but isn't necessarily the kind of thing you want to put at the very top. It almost sounds like you're asking for a little break, before you've even met them.

That being said, I don't think that line is what's making the difference. You do sound very nice and cute yourself, but if you're looking for a spark maybe you should include something a little... sparkier. You kinda sound like you wanna skip the flirty, sexy stuff and go right to being part of a settled-down couple. Talk about stuff that gets you excited. I'm not saying you need to list your turn-ons like some Playboy Centerfold, but maybe try being a little more romantic.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 3:17 AM on May 17, 2014 [1 favorite]

Honestly, you sound a little too good to be true. (What a flaw to have, right! :) At the same time I was thinking, hey I'd want to date you, I was simultaneously thinking, please no one is THAT perfect. It just felt a little Vaseline-on-the-lens picture perfect woman profile. I agree with other posters to maybe inject the teensiest bit of edge or grit or flaw into it to make it seem like you're not manic pixie dream girl. This is hugely nitpicky though, you should have people banging down your door. I would wish you luck but you seriously don't need it.
posted by Jubey at 3:21 AM on May 17, 2014 [1 favorite]

Like others have said, it's not that it needs more edginess, but the profile is very sweetness and light. It's also maybe a little too vague.

What's your favorite Ethiopian dish and why? You say you can't live without chickpeas; maybe mention you're still looking for the world's tastiest falafel (hummus/whatever) recipe and you'd love to meet someone who can share theirs?

Maybe you're a fan of the pigeon pose because it's this perfect moment of being pushed into ease.

Maybe you love to pick fresh blueberries because it's very repetitive and tranquil and satisfying when you find the perfect plump purple berry, and you find you've polished off half the container before you get to the car.

So I would be more specific about why you like the things you like. Tell a little story.
posted by kinetic at 4:07 AM on May 17, 2014 [1 favorite]

It's a lovely profile. I'm your target demo and the only things I see that would make me not respond were I single and in your area are the big issues like me not wanting kids, that would make us badly matched for dating, but are in no way a flaw in your profile.

The needing quiet time line is great if you're looking to match up with a fellow introvert. I see that and think, yay, she would also understand my need for quiet time! I'd also be totally charmed by the poetry request.

If I were desperately trying to find something to nitpick, I guess it would be that you find many things amusing and are looking for someone mischievous, but that doesn't really come through. Senses of humor are so important and it would be nice to have a better sense of yours. (I mean, the primary reason I messaged my now-partner on a dating site is a really great snarky remark he made about punctuation in his profile.)
posted by Stacey at 4:28 AM on May 17, 2014

The only thing I would change is this:

In ten years, I hope I'll be living with my wife and kids in a bungalow with a beautiful garden

Change my wife and kids to a wife and kids.

Small thing, I know. But you're fine otherwise.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 4:59 AM on May 17, 2014 [2 favorites]

The needing quiet time line is great if you're looking to match up with a fellow introvert.

Well, see, I'm an introvert, and a neurotic, and I read a line like that and assume the person is asking for alone time before I've even had the chance to annoy them. I'd suggest something that makes it sound like she'd like to spend quiet time with that special somebody. Nothing wrong with craving solitude, but again, it kinda clunks when it's the second line of your dating profile.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 5:50 AM on May 17, 2014 [1 favorite]

Hi--I'm a gay woman in your area and pretty much the demographic you are looking for (except that I'm poly). I had great luck on OKCupid and am now happily married to an amazing woman. I'm nomadgrrl and still have my profile up if you want to have a look (though I'm not looking for anyone these days).

I think your profile is right on track. I would definitely have written to you. I do think that you need to expect a lot of dates with cool people but no particular click. It might really be worth going on a few more dates with someone who seems a particularly good match even if there is no immediate click--you and an introvert (seemingly) looking for another introvert.

Other advice:
extend your age range upward (my wife is a decade older than me and totally awesome)
write to people--don't wait to be written to
maybe add a few questions to encourage people to respond?
posted by mkuhnell at 6:22 AM on May 17, 2014

Thanks for the kind and helpful feedback. I really appreciate the encouragement, and I also get what some of you are saying about letting more edge in. I'll play with that. I am pretty crunchy granola -- and like that in others -- but I don't want to come across as saccharine. Thanks again!

(PS -- the poem thing was to try to give people something really easy to write a message about. I totally accept people who don't actually have a favorite poem ;)
posted by zahava at 8:13 AM on May 17, 2014

I think a lot of your photos are kind of crummy photos. A lot of people cannot distinguish "bad photo" from "ugly person." You seem perfectly cute but more of the photos are meh than not. You might try to get some better quality photos. I don't mean super slick, staged etc. Just good composition, not fuzzy, not too dark, cropped if necessary. Sometimes cropping is the difference between a not great photo and something really eye catching.

The two outdoorsy photos -- one with you picking apples and one with mountains in the background -- are both nice quality photos. Unfortunately, neither has a close up of your face. Most of the ones with a close up of your actual face are just not great quality photos. And that might be causing some folks to think you are less cute than you really are.

So I think if you got some better quality candids with a close up of your face, that might help. It might also help with how people are perceiving you ("crunchy granola, maybe too sweet"). A picture is worth a thousand words and, right now, the most flattering photos of you are very crunchy granola and that's okay but sounds like it is missing something important that needs to be conveyed.

Best of luck.
posted by Michele in California at 9:37 AM on May 17, 2014 [1 favorite]

If I lived even remotely close to you, I would totally date you :)

But yeah, your profile could use a little bit off additional insight into your full personality. I see a lot of sweetness, but not a lot of passion or playfulness, which I'm sure you have in abundance!

Things to think about...what drives you crazy? Do you have any pet-peeves? What makes you feel sexy? What do you find sexy in others? What situations or ideas make you really, REALLY excited?

Finding good matches on OKC is all about specifics...the heuristics are based on keywords from your profile, not just the answers to the multiple choice questions that determine your percentage match with someone. For example, if you say "I like food from a lot of different cultures" isn't going to bring up the same list of matches as "I love Japanese curries and really spicy Indian food"

I think you could probably also put some better photos in. Your main pic is not the best one you have. Get a friend to help you with this, especially one with an eye for photography! Take LOTS of photos and pick the ones that are the most flattering. No bathroom shots where you can tell that you're in a bathroom, ok?

You seem like a really sweet person, and I hope you find what you are looking for!!
posted by ananci at 9:43 AM on May 17, 2014 [1 favorite]

Your profile is lovely.

You may want to go on multiple dates with people before deciding there is not a connection. I know quite a few people who just take some time to warm up to others on dates. But I'm sure you know what you're doing; just a suggestion.
posted by sockermom at 10:36 AM on May 17, 2014 [2 favorites]

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