What happens in Vegas...
January 8, 2014 6:34 PM Subscribe
I have recently been diagnosed with a serious health condition which means after a few months I might not be able to go on holiday for many years. I want to go on Holiday and my bf doesn't. DTMF?
I have recently been diagnosed with severe kidney failure, with a view to going on dialysis in the spring, which means after March I will not be able to go on holiday for many years.The average wait for a kidney is 5 years and i haven't been on holiday in 5 years. I want to go on Holiday and my bf doesn't. DTMF?
We have been together a year and have had a few ups and downs, when i told him of my health condition he was very supportive, said he loved me and we would get through it together.
I decided after Christmas that I wanted to go to Las Vegas for 2 weeks before i'm stuck on a machine 3 days a week to stay alive. The first problem is that I will be putting the holiday on my credit card to pay off over the next year. He feels that I am being reckless, I feel like I want to see america because i do not know what is around the corner and money is just tokens after all.
Secondly, He has £25k of savings and said that he feels 1-1.5k is too expensive for a holiday. I originally wanted to go to Hawii or BoraBora or Sweden, as I wanted to do something remarkable, living in Ireland those things are pretty awesome. But they turned out to be between £3-4k so I compromised at Las vegas with flights and good hotel about £700.
Further, I wanted to go for 2 weeks, and him 10 days so I agreed and shortened it even though I practically cost the same as the bulk cost is in the flights. We disagreed over text three nights in a row now about the holiday, Hotel, ETC and I kept asking to wait we will do it when we are together.
Finally some of my friends would like to go and are also stretching finances but 3-4 of them have decided to go and he didn't like that, thought it was just going to be the two of us. So he blows up and says its looking too expensive for him, and I am upset because the money is nothing to him, he is very tight with his money. He said that I invited my friends and decided on the place and hotel without a proper joint decision, that I am being selfish. I said I am going and you can come or not. I will have to finalise things tomorrow. We have done this a few times, where i live in the moment and he wants to plan and be responsible. I'm an etrovert and him introverted so we have these kinds of clashes occasionally.
But this time i dont hve the energy to fight. Do i go without him, i mean i cant see how he can love me so much yet not understand why i want this, or am i being extremely reckless?
Thank you so much in advance, i'm just so angry and my judgement will be clouded so i don't want to say anything horrible I will regret, krisb9@hotmail.com
I have recently been diagnosed with severe kidney failure, with a view to going on dialysis in the spring, which means after March I will not be able to go on holiday for many years.The average wait for a kidney is 5 years and i haven't been on holiday in 5 years. I want to go on Holiday and my bf doesn't. DTMF?
We have been together a year and have had a few ups and downs, when i told him of my health condition he was very supportive, said he loved me and we would get through it together.
I decided after Christmas that I wanted to go to Las Vegas for 2 weeks before i'm stuck on a machine 3 days a week to stay alive. The first problem is that I will be putting the holiday on my credit card to pay off over the next year. He feels that I am being reckless, I feel like I want to see america because i do not know what is around the corner and money is just tokens after all.
Secondly, He has £25k of savings and said that he feels 1-1.5k is too expensive for a holiday. I originally wanted to go to Hawii or BoraBora or Sweden, as I wanted to do something remarkable, living in Ireland those things are pretty awesome. But they turned out to be between £3-4k so I compromised at Las vegas with flights and good hotel about £700.
Further, I wanted to go for 2 weeks, and him 10 days so I agreed and shortened it even though I practically cost the same as the bulk cost is in the flights. We disagreed over text three nights in a row now about the holiday, Hotel, ETC and I kept asking to wait we will do it when we are together.
Finally some of my friends would like to go and are also stretching finances but 3-4 of them have decided to go and he didn't like that, thought it was just going to be the two of us. So he blows up and says its looking too expensive for him, and I am upset because the money is nothing to him, he is very tight with his money. He said that I invited my friends and decided on the place and hotel without a proper joint decision, that I am being selfish. I said I am going and you can come or not. I will have to finalise things tomorrow. We have done this a few times, where i live in the moment and he wants to plan and be responsible. I'm an etrovert and him introverted so we have these kinds of clashes occasionally.
But this time i dont hve the energy to fight. Do i go without him, i mean i cant see how he can love me so much yet not understand why i want this, or am i being extremely reckless?
Thank you so much in advance, i'm just so angry and my judgement will be clouded so i don't want to say anything horrible I will regret, krisb9@hotmail.com
Is this the same guy you asked about before, who isn't out to his parents?
Go without him. You get one shot at your life, so live it as best you can. Go with your friends and have a good time.
posted by rtha at 6:41 PM on January 8, 2014 [2 favorites]
Go without him. You get one shot at your life, so live it as best you can. Go with your friends and have a good time.
posted by rtha at 6:41 PM on January 8, 2014 [2 favorites]
Just go without him; he's your boyfriend not your Siamese twin. I'm married and my wife and I sometimes go on vacations without the other because of scheduling conflicts or lack of desire for the activity. Especially since you already have other companions lined up. That might turn out to be a deal breaker for him but then you'll know a pretty significant compatibility mismatch.
posted by Mitheral at 6:43 PM on January 8, 2014 [7 favorites]
posted by Mitheral at 6:43 PM on January 8, 2014 [7 favorites]
Just wanted to sat that being on dialysis doesn't mean you can't take a vacation. My father's kidneys failed a few years ago now, and he's taken several trips within the US. It's been pretty easy to arrange treatment at a dialysis center near his destination.
That said, you should totally go now if that's what you want.
posted by gnutron at 6:45 PM on January 8, 2014 [2 favorites]
That said, you should totally go now if that's what you want.
posted by gnutron at 6:45 PM on January 8, 2014 [2 favorites]
I would go because now is a time for you to look after and be good to yourself, but I would try and have some empathy for him - perhaps he thought this was going to a time for the 2 of you before your treatment and was willing to spend on that, but when he found it would be a number of people, it didn't feel the same and that's why he blew up. If he's supportive of your condition in general, then that's worth a lot in my opinion, even if he isn't up to this.
posted by lesbiassparrow at 6:45 PM on January 8, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by lesbiassparrow at 6:45 PM on January 8, 2014 [1 favorite]
This isn't about the money. If you want to make this work with him, sit down and see if you can figure out what it actually is about together. A word of warning: I doubt he knows what it's about, either, so it may be a bit like pulling teeth.
If he's not out to his parents, it may very well be about that.
With that said:
I said I am going and you can come or not.
Good. Do that. Go.
Tell him you're going with or without him and that you'd prefer to be able to go with him, but you can't make him.
Should you break up? It's up to you.
All I can tell you is: He's being this much of an indecisive shit, he lives at home at the age of 27 despite having 25k in savings, et cetera. I'd dump him at this point, but again, it's up to you.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 6:45 PM on January 8, 2014 [6 favorites]
If he's not out to his parents, it may very well be about that.
With that said:
I said I am going and you can come or not.
Good. Do that. Go.
Tell him you're going with or without him and that you'd prefer to be able to go with him, but you can't make him.
Should you break up? It's up to you.
All I can tell you is: He's being this much of an indecisive shit, he lives at home at the age of 27 despite having 25k in savings, et cetera. I'd dump him at this point, but again, it's up to you.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 6:45 PM on January 8, 2014 [6 favorites]
Best answer: Go with your friends. Sounds like that would be more fun than going with someone who is complaining the whole time. I don't know if that means you have to break up, but take your trip.
(FYI, you may want to see something else in addition to Vegas while you're out this far. I'm not sure I'd want to be there for two weeks. Maybe rent a car and go see LA, Palm Springs, or San Diego for a few days too. Enjoy yourself!)
posted by cecic at 6:46 PM on January 8, 2014 [16 favorites]
(FYI, you may want to see something else in addition to Vegas while you're out this far. I'm not sure I'd want to be there for two weeks. Maybe rent a car and go see LA, Palm Springs, or San Diego for a few days too. Enjoy yourself!)
posted by cecic at 6:46 PM on January 8, 2014 [16 favorites]
Go, go, go! Vacations will not be impossible on dialysis, but it can be hard to set up things logistically AND enjoy yourself because you'll need to be so careful re: limiting fluids, sodium, potassium, phosphorus, and zero alcohol. So go while you are still somewhat healthy and can be relatively carefree.
Even if you get a transplant, it's still a challenge to travel and keep your immune system happy.
This is literally a once in a lifetime opportunity and you cannot miss it.
(My kidneys are failing, slowly, and I have lost well over half my kidney function. You had better believe I have a crazy world trip planned for next year before everything hits the fan.)
posted by mochapickle at 6:48 PM on January 8, 2014 [1 favorite]
Even if you get a transplant, it's still a challenge to travel and keep your immune system happy.
This is literally a once in a lifetime opportunity and you cannot miss it.
(My kidneys are failing, slowly, and I have lost well over half my kidney function. You had better believe I have a crazy world trip planned for next year before everything hits the fan.)
posted by mochapickle at 6:48 PM on January 8, 2014 [1 favorite]
Go without him, but don't spend all your money and time in Las Vegas. Ugh. Vegas is a tacky money pit. Fun for a night, maybe three days if you have a great group of friends who like to party and dance, but otherwise what are you going to do there? There isn't much to see, and what there is to do is VERY expensive -- excellent restaurants and some compelling shows, yes, but all designed to wring the maximal amount of money from you to get any real fun from the experience; and surrounded by generally terrible people.
You could have a way more interesting experience elsewhere for the same $.
posted by fingersandtoes at 6:57 PM on January 8, 2014 [23 favorites]
You could have a way more interesting experience elsewhere for the same $.
posted by fingersandtoes at 6:57 PM on January 8, 2014 [23 favorites]
Oh and if you go to Vegas in the Spring, take a couple of days to stay in Death Valley. It's awesome and driving to and from Vegas there along the back roads across the desert with a friend was one of the great experiences of my life (pick a great soundtrack to play as you drive). We stayed one night in the Amergosa Opera House which was a total trip: take some food with you, some nice booze and sit outside and watch the stars. And then drive back to Vegas and gamble.
posted by lesbiassparrow at 7:06 PM on January 8, 2014
posted by lesbiassparrow at 7:06 PM on January 8, 2014
Go without him. He sounds like a pill.
Seconding fingersandtoes, though - LV is kinda boring unless you want to play a lot of slot machines. Look at this question. You could do part of that trip, no problem. Going in the very near future would even be possible, since it's the off-season. (I wouldn't recommend car-camping, though!)
If you want a real, once-in-a-lifetime trip, think about something like *that*. (Or, on preview, Death Valley etc. Perfect weather for it, too!)
posted by notsnot at 7:08 PM on January 8, 2014
Seconding fingersandtoes, though - LV is kinda boring unless you want to play a lot of slot machines. Look at this question. You could do part of that trip, no problem. Going in the very near future would even be possible, since it's the off-season. (I wouldn't recommend car-camping, though!)
If you want a real, once-in-a-lifetime trip, think about something like *that*. (Or, on preview, Death Valley etc. Perfect weather for it, too!)
posted by notsnot at 7:08 PM on January 8, 2014
1.) Go without him.
2.) Stop counting his money. It's his to do with as he pleases.
3.) Las Vegas is good for a 4 day long weekend at _most_. Consider renting a car and doing a road trip that includes Las Vegas but also the Grand Canyon, Los Angeles, and Joshua Tree National park, amongst other places.
posted by sparklemotion at 7:10 PM on January 8, 2014 [18 favorites]
2.) Stop counting his money. It's his to do with as he pleases.
3.) Las Vegas is good for a 4 day long weekend at _most_. Consider renting a car and doing a road trip that includes Las Vegas but also the Grand Canyon, Los Angeles, and Joshua Tree National park, amongst other places.
posted by sparklemotion at 7:10 PM on January 8, 2014 [18 favorites]
You should go without him, but I echo other posters who say Vegas gets old. Especially if you are hard up for cash at all. Unless you really, really like slot machines, things to do in Vegas all cost a lot of money: clubs have $50-$100+ cover charges, shows are $100+/ticket, especially the good ones, shopping is all designer brands and $$$$$. You can only walk up and down the strip so many times.
posted by Anonymous at 7:16 PM on January 8, 2014
posted by Anonymous at 7:16 PM on January 8, 2014
Since he's not going, why not Hawaii or Bora Bora or Sweden?
posted by unknowncommand at 7:22 PM on January 8, 2014 [14 favorites]
posted by unknowncommand at 7:22 PM on January 8, 2014 [14 favorites]
Why don't you just go do what you want to do and let him do what he wants to do?
posted by Sara C. at 7:43 PM on January 8, 2014 [3 favorites]
posted by Sara C. at 7:43 PM on January 8, 2014 [3 favorites]
To me, the only question is where you go. Going to Vegas is really fun, but more than 4 days may cause you other health problems. I wouldn't dump him per se, but I would be prepared for the whole thing to fall apart. His loss, not yours.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 8:07 PM on January 8, 2014
posted by JohnnyGunn at 8:07 PM on January 8, 2014
Go without him, and go on the vacation YOU want, to Bora Bora or Sweden or whatever. Going without him means that you don't have to do the compromise vacation.
posted by lunasol at 8:25 PM on January 8, 2014 [4 favorites]
posted by lunasol at 8:25 PM on January 8, 2014 [4 favorites]
Nthing go without him, and also nthing that if you do go to Vegas, you will almost certainly want to add another destination to your itinerary. (Vegas's charms are, IMO, quite limited.)
posted by scody at 8:31 PM on January 8, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by scody at 8:31 PM on January 8, 2014 [1 favorite]
Go, go, go on your trip. Without him if need be. Wherever you want to go.
But I don't want you to feel like travel is going to be prohibitive while you are on dialysis. It's possible to arrange dialysis treatments if you're traveling to most any city in the US (and probably Canada, and I would venture to guess, most of Europe, Australia) with some prior planning. In the US, there are some large, multi-center dialysis companies that have travel specialists. And there are cruises specifically for dialysis patients, too. The cruises may be a little bit blue-haired-old-lady for you, but I just wanted you to know that there are plenty of travel options for people on dialysis. Have fun!
posted by honeybee413 at 8:47 PM on January 8, 2014
But I don't want you to feel like travel is going to be prohibitive while you are on dialysis. It's possible to arrange dialysis treatments if you're traveling to most any city in the US (and probably Canada, and I would venture to guess, most of Europe, Australia) with some prior planning. In the US, there are some large, multi-center dialysis companies that have travel specialists. And there are cruises specifically for dialysis patients, too. The cruises may be a little bit blue-haired-old-lady for you, but I just wanted you to know that there are plenty of travel options for people on dialysis. Have fun!
posted by honeybee413 at 8:47 PM on January 8, 2014
Go without him but don't necessarily hold it against him. Some people just don't like to travel.
posted by alms at 8:54 PM on January 8, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by alms at 8:54 PM on January 8, 2014 [2 favorites]
I'm going to go against the flow a bit and say that I can see your boyfriend's side of things. It does seem possible you are being pretty reckless. Going into debt to go on vacation, especially with serious health problems in the picture, is pretty unwise. Is your healthcare covered? Is your job secure?
Since he's super careful with money, it could be a big issue for him. Differences in financial styles cause a tremendous amount of stress for many couples. Especially if you guys see a shared future together (and I'm not so sure with this big red money flag), it's not crazy for him to be concerned about this spending. Supporting your partner through illness is one thing; having to pick up some slack because they impulsively decided they must to to Vegas *now* is quite another.
Also, if my boyfriend were planning a vacation with me, and then once day he announced he invited five of his friends too and they already booked the hotel and blah blah blah, I'd balk too. Given the take it or leave it option, I'd probably leave it. Not sure it's grounds for breaking up, but I'd definitely be mad. If you're planning something together, you should plan it *together* and do your best to agree on the big things. If you're not both after the same things for this trip (in particular, if he doesn't even really want to go on a trip now), it's okay to travel without him. Being in a couple doesn't mean every trip you take has to be with each other.
I can see your point of view too, that you feel this urgency to explore while you can, but perhaps it's worthwhile to take a step back, and make a plan and save up for holiday that you really want. People above have given plenty of ideas about travelling while on dialysis, so it seems you have options you didn't know about before.
As for Vegas in particular, in no way would I consider that "seeing America". Do you actually want to visit Vegas (to party/gamble/strippers/eat/see shows, the stuff people typically go for), or did it just come up because it was cheap? Really think about what you want from a vacation before you go blowing money you don't have on it.
posted by ktkt at 12:10 AM on January 9, 2014 [13 favorites]
Since he's super careful with money, it could be a big issue for him. Differences in financial styles cause a tremendous amount of stress for many couples. Especially if you guys see a shared future together (and I'm not so sure with this big red money flag), it's not crazy for him to be concerned about this spending. Supporting your partner through illness is one thing; having to pick up some slack because they impulsively decided they must to to Vegas *now* is quite another.
Also, if my boyfriend were planning a vacation with me, and then once day he announced he invited five of his friends too and they already booked the hotel and blah blah blah, I'd balk too. Given the take it or leave it option, I'd probably leave it. Not sure it's grounds for breaking up, but I'd definitely be mad. If you're planning something together, you should plan it *together* and do your best to agree on the big things. If you're not both after the same things for this trip (in particular, if he doesn't even really want to go on a trip now), it's okay to travel without him. Being in a couple doesn't mean every trip you take has to be with each other.
I can see your point of view too, that you feel this urgency to explore while you can, but perhaps it's worthwhile to take a step back, and make a plan and save up for holiday that you really want. People above have given plenty of ideas about travelling while on dialysis, so it seems you have options you didn't know about before.
As for Vegas in particular, in no way would I consider that "seeing America". Do you actually want to visit Vegas (to party/gamble/strippers/eat/see shows, the stuff people typically go for), or did it just come up because it was cheap? Really think about what you want from a vacation before you go blowing money you don't have on it.
posted by ktkt at 12:10 AM on January 9, 2014 [13 favorites]
I've never regretted any traveling I've done but do regret not having travelled more when I could. If you are going to Las Vegas, I agree three or four days is enough; it's really for gambling and spending money; I found it maddening after a couple of days. I felt the same way about Los Angeles. I think the Grand Canyon and Santa Fe are great places to see if you're going to the West.
However, it seriously interferes with my peace of mind to have a mountain of debt and I wouldn't want to go into debt just for Las Vegas. I'd want to plan the best possible sights and experiences I could get for my money considering this is my last vacation for a while. So I agree with your bf about planning together, even if you wind up spending a little more money and not as much time than you are wanting to. It's not the flight and the hotel but all the added expenses that balloon your debt. It's not going to be fun paying that off. Please don't succumb to the temptation to fling caution to the winds and spend the way Vegas is designed to lure people into spending. Be in control of your holiday and make it varied and memorable.
If your BF does not want to go after you have a more reasoned talk with him, then plan with your other friends to optimize the trip. If you are good with each other, this doesn't have to be a deal breaker with your partner. Sometimes partners don't like the same kind of holiday and I think that is perfectly all right. My best wishes for your trip and for your future. See some wonderful people, places and things to think about in the future. Travel memories can be lovely furnishings for your mind.
posted by Anitanola at 1:19 AM on January 9, 2014
However, it seriously interferes with my peace of mind to have a mountain of debt and I wouldn't want to go into debt just for Las Vegas. I'd want to plan the best possible sights and experiences I could get for my money considering this is my last vacation for a while. So I agree with your bf about planning together, even if you wind up spending a little more money and not as much time than you are wanting to. It's not the flight and the hotel but all the added expenses that balloon your debt. It's not going to be fun paying that off. Please don't succumb to the temptation to fling caution to the winds and spend the way Vegas is designed to lure people into spending. Be in control of your holiday and make it varied and memorable.
If your BF does not want to go after you have a more reasoned talk with him, then plan with your other friends to optimize the trip. If you are good with each other, this doesn't have to be a deal breaker with your partner. Sometimes partners don't like the same kind of holiday and I think that is perfectly all right. My best wishes for your trip and for your future. See some wonderful people, places and things to think about in the future. Travel memories can be lovely furnishings for your mind.
posted by Anitanola at 1:19 AM on January 9, 2014
You can totally do Las Vegas by yourself. I did a couple of years ago, and had a really great time. I went for over a week and stayed in four different hotels and saw a bunch of shows and walked around buying myself fancy drinks. I do recommend a day (or more) just laying around the wave pool at Mandalay Bay. They have waitresses who will deliver daiquiris to your lounge chair! It was a great vacation.
Tell the boyfriend if it's too expensive for him, you understand, but you're going.
posted by griselda at 1:40 AM on January 9, 2014 [1 favorite]
Tell the boyfriend if it's too expensive for him, you understand, but you're going.
posted by griselda at 1:40 AM on January 9, 2014 [1 favorite]
Are your potential medical bills covered/insurable in the US? Then go to Vegas, sounds awesome.
Otherwise, if it were me, I'd get an E111 and go somewhere equally awesome in the EU.
But, yeah, go.
posted by paulash at 3:59 AM on January 9, 2014
Otherwise, if it were me, I'd get an E111 and go somewhere equally awesome in the EU.
But, yeah, go.
posted by paulash at 3:59 AM on January 9, 2014
You'll definitely be able to organise dialysis anywhere in Europe (including Russia, should you trust the hospitals) and in Australia & New Zealand on a reciprocal care agreement, so travel's not out of the question on dialysis, so travel's not out of the question. But this probably is your last chance to affordably visit the US for a while, so that's the opportunity I'd take.
posted by ambrosen at 4:14 AM on January 9, 2014
posted by ambrosen at 4:14 AM on January 9, 2014
Best answer: Carpe Diem.
Go to Vegas. Live decadently for a few days. Do it.
Visit the Grand Canyon while you are there.
You have 5 years connected to a machine to clean up after this trip.
Seize the moment while you can.
posted by Flood at 4:18 AM on January 9, 2014 [2 favorites]
Go to Vegas. Live decadently for a few days. Do it.
Visit the Grand Canyon while you are there.
You have 5 years connected to a machine to clean up after this trip.
Seize the moment while you can.
posted by Flood at 4:18 AM on January 9, 2014 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Definitely go, without him if necessary. I know for me it would make dialysis a lot more tolerable. You get to think about all the awesome stuff you did in Vegas during your treatments, instead of thinking about everything your missing out on during your treatments. Headspace stuff like that matters a lot, especially in situations like this.
Ps - Vegas is seriously incredible, you're going to love it! My husband and I went there last fall for our Honeymoon and lord love a duck, it was even more fun and amazing than I ever would have believed, and we aren't gamblers! Yes it was tacky and gaudy and ridiculous, but I guess that is why we loved it so much. It was such a departure from our normal life. And I HIGHLY recommend going to Bobbly Flay's restaurant "Mesa" in Caesar's. I think Bobby Flay is a complete douchebag but that was the best meal we had the whole trip, and it was quite reasonably priced! We also took a whole day and did a Grand Canyon and Hoover Dam tour. Well worth it! (if you want to talk about Vegas feel free to memail me. I was just there and have LOTS to say about it and lots of suggestions!)
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 4:51 AM on January 9, 2014 [2 favorites]
Ps - Vegas is seriously incredible, you're going to love it! My husband and I went there last fall for our Honeymoon and lord love a duck, it was even more fun and amazing than I ever would have believed, and we aren't gamblers! Yes it was tacky and gaudy and ridiculous, but I guess that is why we loved it so much. It was such a departure from our normal life. And I HIGHLY recommend going to Bobbly Flay's restaurant "Mesa" in Caesar's. I think Bobby Flay is a complete douchebag but that was the best meal we had the whole trip, and it was quite reasonably priced! We also took a whole day and did a Grand Canyon and Hoover Dam tour. Well worth it! (if you want to talk about Vegas feel free to memail me. I was just there and have LOTS to say about it and lots of suggestions!)
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 4:51 AM on January 9, 2014 [2 favorites]
I don't think he's being unreasonable: two weeks is a long time for a trip, Vegas is total sensory overload and can be utterly exhausting (especially if you need alone time), and spending that entire time in a group of 5-6 people can wear on you. And that doesn't even go into the financial side of things, which I'm not gonna touch. You want to go, he doesn't. This doesn't mean you're incompatible! You can go by yourself.
On the other hand, it doesn't really sound like you planned this trip with him in mind. Inviting your friends without asking him first was inconsiderate, and if you'd originally framed the trip as a "just the two of us" thing, he's probably feeling pretty shut out now.
Go while you have the opportunity, but he's not wrong to feel the way he does.
posted by Metroid Baby at 5:06 AM on January 9, 2014 [3 favorites]
On the other hand, it doesn't really sound like you planned this trip with him in mind. Inviting your friends without asking him first was inconsiderate, and if you'd originally framed the trip as a "just the two of us" thing, he's probably feeling pretty shut out now.
Go while you have the opportunity, but he's not wrong to feel the way he does.
posted by Metroid Baby at 5:06 AM on January 9, 2014 [3 favorites]
I think you've gotten some great advice upthread, so I'll just summarize the things that stuck out to me:
1) I can absolutely see why you'd want to go now, and I wouldn't put it off if I were you. If you do it right (see below), you'll never regret it. You don't need to go with your BF if he's not interested.
2) However, I would be very cautious about racking up a lot of debt in order to do so. As another poster said upthread, god forbid, but your revenue-generating capacity could be diminished because of health issues, and it would suck to add anxiety about money to your health issues.
3) Obviously your BF has worked very hard and probably made sacrifices to amass his savings, so he takes money very seriously. This to me is a positive, not a negative, and something you may be very grateful for down the line. Respect his money boundaries. The urgency and cost for this trip are being driven by you, so don't expect him to feel the same about it.
4) I echo the many posters above who say Las Vegas gets old. It really does, even with a good group of friends. I go a bit nuts after 3 days there; even factoring in first time novelty I'd say 7 days would be the absolute max. If you want to make it 2 weeks and feel up to it, there are a number of amazing places nearby - Grand Canyon and Santa Fe being two of my favorites.
Here's what I would do:
a) come up with a reasonable budget for the trip - something you feel you can pay off within the next 6 months, say, or whatever timeframe feels right to you. Just have a plan so you don't have to freak out about the expense later.
b) invite your BF to come along but try not to be disappointed if he doesn't share your enthusiasm and doesn't come. This isn't grounds for DTMFA, IMO, certainly not if he's otherwise supportive and a good match.
c) go and have a BLAST - and make sure to schedule in some downtime days to do nothing but relax on the beach/pool/whatever floats your boat.
Have fun!!
posted by widdershins at 5:40 AM on January 9, 2014 [1 favorite]
1) I can absolutely see why you'd want to go now, and I wouldn't put it off if I were you. If you do it right (see below), you'll never regret it. You don't need to go with your BF if he's not interested.
2) However, I would be very cautious about racking up a lot of debt in order to do so. As another poster said upthread, god forbid, but your revenue-generating capacity could be diminished because of health issues, and it would suck to add anxiety about money to your health issues.
3) Obviously your BF has worked very hard and probably made sacrifices to amass his savings, so he takes money very seriously. This to me is a positive, not a negative, and something you may be very grateful for down the line. Respect his money boundaries. The urgency and cost for this trip are being driven by you, so don't expect him to feel the same about it.
4) I echo the many posters above who say Las Vegas gets old. It really does, even with a good group of friends. I go a bit nuts after 3 days there; even factoring in first time novelty I'd say 7 days would be the absolute max. If you want to make it 2 weeks and feel up to it, there are a number of amazing places nearby - Grand Canyon and Santa Fe being two of my favorites.
Here's what I would do:
a) come up with a reasonable budget for the trip - something you feel you can pay off within the next 6 months, say, or whatever timeframe feels right to you. Just have a plan so you don't have to freak out about the expense later.
b) invite your BF to come along but try not to be disappointed if he doesn't share your enthusiasm and doesn't come. This isn't grounds for DTMFA, IMO, certainly not if he's otherwise supportive and a good match.
c) go and have a BLAST - and make sure to schedule in some downtime days to do nothing but relax on the beach/pool/whatever floats your boat.
Have fun!!
posted by widdershins at 5:40 AM on January 9, 2014 [1 favorite]
I'm really uncomfortable with this portrayal of your boyfriend as some sort of Mr. Moneybags 25-thousandaire. Has he ever said that the money is nothing to him, or did you just decide that for him? I'm uncomfortable with how entitled you feel to his cash.
If he's tight with his money, and only been able to save up 25k by his mid 20s (?) that is totally awesome for him, but it doesn't mean that he's rich, it means that he knows the exact value of every penny of his savings. I've found that people who spend money they don't have are much more free to make expensive decisions (ie, money is just tokens), since they can imagine a windfall that's going to pay it off. Whereas someone who's saved his money knows exactly how many hours of hard work and sacrifice each luxury costs.
I don't know the other details of your relationship, but on this point I would suggest being a lot kinder to you your boyfriend. He might be worried about spending tons now, when he might be called upon to support you later if you can't work or need help in other areas. Also, the thought of 2 weeks in Vegas personally gives me hives - if you think it's only going to cost airfare+ lodging, you are sadly, sadly mistaken.
Especially with 3 random friends in the mix, the pressure to spend spend spend is going to be extreme. If you want to do fun, typical Vegas stuff, its going to cost you 100-200 a day on top of lodging for a show, a museum, a ride etc etc etc. Each additional guest is going to have a different "iconic" Vegas thing that they are going to pressure the group to spend money on. I did a VERY budget conscious trip to Vegas with some budget conscious friends a few years ago and spent over $500 in a weekend (and I don't gamble).
I also don't understand why him not going on the trip would be a dumpable offense. I've gone on plenty of trips without my (now) fiance, and none of them have been deal-breakers. I would be much more concerned about the 50 weeks a year that you are in the same country.
I'm sorry to here about your prognosis, and I think a good vacation could be an awesome event, but really think about how you are going to pay off everything while dealing with additional stress.
posted by fermezporte at 6:04 AM on January 9, 2014 [5 favorites]
If he's tight with his money, and only been able to save up 25k by his mid 20s (?) that is totally awesome for him, but it doesn't mean that he's rich, it means that he knows the exact value of every penny of his savings. I've found that people who spend money they don't have are much more free to make expensive decisions (ie, money is just tokens), since they can imagine a windfall that's going to pay it off. Whereas someone who's saved his money knows exactly how many hours of hard work and sacrifice each luxury costs.
I don't know the other details of your relationship, but on this point I would suggest being a lot kinder to you your boyfriend. He might be worried about spending tons now, when he might be called upon to support you later if you can't work or need help in other areas. Also, the thought of 2 weeks in Vegas personally gives me hives - if you think it's only going to cost airfare+ lodging, you are sadly, sadly mistaken.
Especially with 3 random friends in the mix, the pressure to spend spend spend is going to be extreme. If you want to do fun, typical Vegas stuff, its going to cost you 100-200 a day on top of lodging for a show, a museum, a ride etc etc etc. Each additional guest is going to have a different "iconic" Vegas thing that they are going to pressure the group to spend money on. I did a VERY budget conscious trip to Vegas with some budget conscious friends a few years ago and spent over $500 in a weekend (and I don't gamble).
I also don't understand why him not going on the trip would be a dumpable offense. I've gone on plenty of trips without my (now) fiance, and none of them have been deal-breakers. I would be much more concerned about the 50 weeks a year that you are in the same country.
I'm sorry to here about your prognosis, and I think a good vacation could be an awesome event, but really think about how you are going to pay off everything while dealing with additional stress.
posted by fermezporte at 6:04 AM on January 9, 2014 [5 favorites]
Best answer: A forced vacation (one wanted to go, the other didn't particularly want to but went to appease the one who did) was a disaster and a factor in the end of my marriage. I know that sounds extreme, but it happened. Go without him, and enjoy the heck out of it. I agree that three or four days in Vegas is probably enough.
posted by Dolley at 7:18 AM on January 9, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by Dolley at 7:18 AM on January 9, 2014 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Can I just clarify that I know he is entitled to his money and I do not feel "entitled to his cash" I am upset because he does not want to go with me, understand my reasons.
Secondly, my job is secure even with my condition and I will be having a raise of £200 per month coming in July hence the Credit Cards now.
I never originally framed the holiday as just the two of us, I Did phrase it we need to go away while I can, but my friends are all over 12 year friendships and they have supported me a lot and on big trip I want them to be there.
I am aware of holidays on dialysis, but they are limited and I will be feeling very ill and very restricted and there are a lot of additional costs in relation to travel, insurance and pharmaceuticals.
The reason for the DTMF was in relation to this clash we have, I haven’t really clarified, but anything we try to arrange turns into weeks of fighting and compromising, and we had a very rocky start, I have had 3 additional questions here about him, namely anonymous:
1
2
I don’t feel well enough to keep putting this much energy in... I feel I’ve done my best and it's killing me whether to do it or not, hence the question...
posted by krisb1701d at 8:45 AM on January 9, 2014
Secondly, my job is secure even with my condition and I will be having a raise of £200 per month coming in July hence the Credit Cards now.
I never originally framed the holiday as just the two of us, I Did phrase it we need to go away while I can, but my friends are all over 12 year friendships and they have supported me a lot and on big trip I want them to be there.
I am aware of holidays on dialysis, but they are limited and I will be feeling very ill and very restricted and there are a lot of additional costs in relation to travel, insurance and pharmaceuticals.
The reason for the DTMF was in relation to this clash we have, I haven’t really clarified, but anything we try to arrange turns into weeks of fighting and compromising, and we had a very rocky start, I have had 3 additional questions here about him, namely anonymous:
1
2
I don’t feel well enough to keep putting this much energy in... I feel I’ve done my best and it's killing me whether to do it or not, hence the question...
posted by krisb1701d at 8:45 AM on January 9, 2014
For those saying "Vegas is a short trip at most, you'll be bored" When I lived in the US for a while, I spent two entire months in Vegas. And I was poor as sin. And I never got bored. I wasn't always on the strip, but I went dozens and dozens of times.
There is tons to do there for free, including just wandering around. Fountain shows in front of the Bellagio, the animatronics in Caeser's Palace, the Lions at MGM Grand... not to mention each theme hotel is a destination onto itself. I have a sense of whimsy though, and others may not find delight in the things I did, but I loved exploring all the casinos, or just being there. It's Vegas. You can find a buffet for like 10 GBP and eat once a day if you have to. And I didn't even gamble or drink once, mind.
If you need/want to save money, make sure you plan it really well before hand. Look into what shows are on, buy tickets now, budget now, etc. Allow relaxation days and days you wanna spend less. I only saw two shows because of that, but it was still awesome.
Anyway, this isn't a tourism ad, sorry for the derail.
As for the other stuff. Only you know whether it's a dealbreaker for you or not.
If it were me? Total dealbreaker. He sounds stingy and petulant. You deserve to feel kind of entitled for a little bit. Even if it may have been coming for a while, you've been blindsided by this diagnosis. It's right you're scared and you wanna make the most out of things annd wanna focus on you right now. It's not wrong to wanna go away and have some fun before facing the reality of dialysis and possible transplant. It doesn't mean you should feel that way forever-- his needs matter too--but for now? I mean, he should want to be there-- it may be the last trip both of you have together. Those memories will be precious. It's frankly BS that he is complaining about the money, and I understand why you think he cares more about you than it, especially when he has more than enough.
Life is short, and I think you should go, because ultimately we regret the things we didn't do the most. And absolutely, go without him if he cares more about the content of his bank account than living an actual tangible experience with you.
That, coupled with the other questions you posted makes me think that you're just fundamentally incompatible as people, and your (very valid) needs will never be met. It's better to just let go now, than to let it drag on. It shouldn't feel this hard, when two people are on the same page, in my opinion.
I'm sorry you're going through all this. Hang in there.
posted by Dimes at 9:11 AM on January 9, 2014
There is tons to do there for free, including just wandering around. Fountain shows in front of the Bellagio, the animatronics in Caeser's Palace, the Lions at MGM Grand... not to mention each theme hotel is a destination onto itself. I have a sense of whimsy though, and others may not find delight in the things I did, but I loved exploring all the casinos, or just being there. It's Vegas. You can find a buffet for like 10 GBP and eat once a day if you have to. And I didn't even gamble or drink once, mind.
If you need/want to save money, make sure you plan it really well before hand. Look into what shows are on, buy tickets now, budget now, etc. Allow relaxation days and days you wanna spend less. I only saw two shows because of that, but it was still awesome.
Anyway, this isn't a tourism ad, sorry for the derail.
As for the other stuff. Only you know whether it's a dealbreaker for you or not.
If it were me? Total dealbreaker. He sounds stingy and petulant. You deserve to feel kind of entitled for a little bit. Even if it may have been coming for a while, you've been blindsided by this diagnosis. It's right you're scared and you wanna make the most out of things annd wanna focus on you right now. It's not wrong to wanna go away and have some fun before facing the reality of dialysis and possible transplant. It doesn't mean you should feel that way forever-- his needs matter too--but for now? I mean, he should want to be there-- it may be the last trip both of you have together. Those memories will be precious. It's frankly BS that he is complaining about the money, and I understand why you think he cares more about you than it, especially when he has more than enough.
Life is short, and I think you should go, because ultimately we regret the things we didn't do the most. And absolutely, go without him if he cares more about the content of his bank account than living an actual tangible experience with you.
That, coupled with the other questions you posted makes me think that you're just fundamentally incompatible as people, and your (very valid) needs will never be met. It's better to just let go now, than to let it drag on. It shouldn't feel this hard, when two people are on the same page, in my opinion.
I'm sorry you're going through all this. Hang in there.
posted by Dimes at 9:11 AM on January 9, 2014
I don’t feel well enough to keep putting this much energy in.
Isn't that your answer right there? The vacation thing is just a small battle in a long war. You're saying yourself that you don't need or want this stress in your life. I think the details here are just details. You know what you should do, and you don't need my permission to do it, but I'll give it to you!
posted by treehorn+bunny at 9:19 AM on January 9, 2014 [1 favorite]
Isn't that your answer right there? The vacation thing is just a small battle in a long war. You're saying yourself that you don't need or want this stress in your life. I think the details here are just details. You know what you should do, and you don't need my permission to do it, but I'll give it to you!
posted by treehorn+bunny at 9:19 AM on January 9, 2014 [1 favorite]
Dear OP,
Based on your followup - based specifically on the fact that this is the same guy from this question and from this question - I would like to offer a follow-up piece of advice.
First, I maintain that you should go to Vegas with your friends. You should not even offer to have this guy come with you. This concludes the part of the answer that concerns whether or not you should go to Las Vegas.
Now for the rest.
The sense I get is that you're someone who can often be a bit lonely, often insecure, and you second-guess yourself a lot. And like most people I know, you're someone who would like very much to be loved, and when that feeling shows up, you hold on to it, sometimes to your detriment.
For all of its upsides, love is - as someone once said - also a neurochemical con job. It can make us blind. It can make us miss things.
In this question, your boyfriend told you he has a reduced sex drive, and he just never thinks about having sex until you bring it up. In the same question, you mention that you'd been together for ten months but you'd never been to his house, because he wasn't out to his parents.
But only seven months before that, he was ravenously soliciting sex from other men and cheating on you. You can't set foot in his house because supposedly he's not out to his parents, and he can't even introduce you as a friend, but he has no qualms about getting balls-deep in some other guy at his house? Also, I'm sorry, he says his reduced sex drive is due to having been circumcised five years ago? But less than a year ago, he was hammering dudes on the low left and right and taking photos and video of it?
You want to be loved, and you want to believe him. But there has to come a point where you stand up for yourself. You're being played for a sucker. It sounds like your boyfriend is a good liar. It sounds like he's great at buttering you up and telling you what you want to hear. He's able to zero in on your vulnerabilities and use them to manipulate you.
He's lying to you. He's almost definitely cheating on you.
You are a person who deserves love and deserves to be treated with respect. I promise that you will meet someone else, someone better. But you can't meet that person with this trifling piece of shit in your life.
Return his stuff to him, get your stuff back from him. And then: Dump him. Do it by text if you want. Don't do it in person, because he will lie to you and manipulate you and make you feel like shit and you won't go through with it. Don't let him drag you into an argument about it. Tell him something like, "I'm sorry but I don't want to be your boyfriend anymore. My mind is made up. I don't want to have any contact. Please respect this. Thank you and be well." And then block his number and block him on social media and whatnot, because if he has an avenue to try to get control of you, he will.
Then you should probably go to a clinic and get tested for STDs, because this guy was having unprotected sex with strangers.
It will be hard, and I'm sorry for that, but you will be amazed at how good you feel once the weight is off you. And then go to Las Vegas. Go and have an amazing time and begin the next awesome chapter of your awesome live. You deserve better than this, and you can have it if you let yourself.
Something I've noticed on this site is that DTMFA is almost always used incorrectly. It does not simply mean, "break up." It means, "Holy shit, this is an exceptionally terrible relationship and it's not going to get better and the person you're dating is awful awful awful, hit the damn eject button." So please understand that I am using the term in its correct way, and not the more common misuse, when I say: dump the motherfucker already.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 9:49 AM on January 9, 2014 [19 favorites]
Based on your followup - based specifically on the fact that this is the same guy from this question and from this question - I would like to offer a follow-up piece of advice.
First, I maintain that you should go to Vegas with your friends. You should not even offer to have this guy come with you. This concludes the part of the answer that concerns whether or not you should go to Las Vegas.
Now for the rest.
The sense I get is that you're someone who can often be a bit lonely, often insecure, and you second-guess yourself a lot. And like most people I know, you're someone who would like very much to be loved, and when that feeling shows up, you hold on to it, sometimes to your detriment.
For all of its upsides, love is - as someone once said - also a neurochemical con job. It can make us blind. It can make us miss things.
In this question, your boyfriend told you he has a reduced sex drive, and he just never thinks about having sex until you bring it up. In the same question, you mention that you'd been together for ten months but you'd never been to his house, because he wasn't out to his parents.
But only seven months before that, he was ravenously soliciting sex from other men and cheating on you. You can't set foot in his house because supposedly he's not out to his parents, and he can't even introduce you as a friend, but he has no qualms about getting balls-deep in some other guy at his house? Also, I'm sorry, he says his reduced sex drive is due to having been circumcised five years ago? But less than a year ago, he was hammering dudes on the low left and right and taking photos and video of it?
You want to be loved, and you want to believe him. But there has to come a point where you stand up for yourself. You're being played for a sucker. It sounds like your boyfriend is a good liar. It sounds like he's great at buttering you up and telling you what you want to hear. He's able to zero in on your vulnerabilities and use them to manipulate you.
He's lying to you. He's almost definitely cheating on you.
You are a person who deserves love and deserves to be treated with respect. I promise that you will meet someone else, someone better. But you can't meet that person with this trifling piece of shit in your life.
Return his stuff to him, get your stuff back from him. And then: Dump him. Do it by text if you want. Don't do it in person, because he will lie to you and manipulate you and make you feel like shit and you won't go through with it. Don't let him drag you into an argument about it. Tell him something like, "I'm sorry but I don't want to be your boyfriend anymore. My mind is made up. I don't want to have any contact. Please respect this. Thank you and be well." And then block his number and block him on social media and whatnot, because if he has an avenue to try to get control of you, he will.
Then you should probably go to a clinic and get tested for STDs, because this guy was having unprotected sex with strangers.
It will be hard, and I'm sorry for that, but you will be amazed at how good you feel once the weight is off you. And then go to Las Vegas. Go and have an amazing time and begin the next awesome chapter of your awesome live. You deserve better than this, and you can have it if you let yourself.
Something I've noticed on this site is that DTMFA is almost always used incorrectly. It does not simply mean, "break up." It means, "Holy shit, this is an exceptionally terrible relationship and it's not going to get better and the person you're dating is awful awful awful, hit the damn eject button." So please understand that I am using the term in its correct way, and not the more common misuse, when I say: dump the motherfucker already.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 9:49 AM on January 9, 2014 [19 favorites]
famous monster is famous for his really good answers. listen.
posted by zdravo at 10:09 AM on January 9, 2014 [5 favorites]
posted by zdravo at 10:09 AM on January 9, 2014 [5 favorites]
Hm. My short answer is go by yourself (with your friends), but I don't think doing so needs to mean the end of your relationship.
I believe your judgement is clouded by your diagnosis and the sense of urgency it's created for you. Your bf can't possibly understand your feelings and as such he doesn't have the same fire lit beneath him as you do. As a result, a seemingly spur of the moment vacay that takes a chunk out of his savings is not nearly as attractive to him as it is to you--more so upon finding out it won't be just you and him.
It seems as though he's trying to be supportive and compromise. I would try to look at it from his (introvert) perspective. 2 weeks in Las Vegas? Even 10 days is a lot. But more to the point...why would he want to bite into his savings to go spend too much time in a place he generally wouldn't feel comfortable, while having to compete with your friends for attention? I'm sure he'd understand if you went without him.
posted by stubbehtail at 10:13 AM on January 9, 2014
I believe your judgement is clouded by your diagnosis and the sense of urgency it's created for you. Your bf can't possibly understand your feelings and as such he doesn't have the same fire lit beneath him as you do. As a result, a seemingly spur of the moment vacay that takes a chunk out of his savings is not nearly as attractive to him as it is to you--more so upon finding out it won't be just you and him.
It seems as though he's trying to be supportive and compromise. I would try to look at it from his (introvert) perspective. 2 weeks in Las Vegas? Even 10 days is a lot. But more to the point...why would he want to bite into his savings to go spend too much time in a place he generally wouldn't feel comfortable, while having to compete with your friends for attention? I'm sure he'd understand if you went without him.
posted by stubbehtail at 10:13 AM on January 9, 2014
I see where he is coming from with inviting friends. Proposing that the two of your go on vacation together, and then inviting friends and picking out things like hotel rooms, without making a decision together, is not a great thing to do. And I can't imagine a more stressful or exhausting trip for an introvert than two weeks in Vegas with his partner's friends.
That being said, I think you should absolutely go with your friends and have a fantastic time and not feel the least bit anxious or guilty for going. And I agree with the others, 10 days in Vegas is a loooong time, I would absolutely drive to Death Valley if you can. I went a year ago, and I wish I spent much more time in Death Valley and less time in Vegas!
I don't think going on vacation without him needs to be the end of your relationship, but reading your past questions and the way you framed this one, it sounds like you want it to be the end of your relationship.
posted by inertia at 12:19 PM on January 9, 2014
That being said, I think you should absolutely go with your friends and have a fantastic time and not feel the least bit anxious or guilty for going. And I agree with the others, 10 days in Vegas is a loooong time, I would absolutely drive to Death Valley if you can. I went a year ago, and I wish I spent much more time in Death Valley and less time in Vegas!
I don't think going on vacation without him needs to be the end of your relationship, but reading your past questions and the way you framed this one, it sounds like you want it to be the end of your relationship.
posted by inertia at 12:19 PM on January 9, 2014
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by bleep at 6:37 PM on January 8, 2014 [31 favorites]