I’m going for a “One final attempt to straighten things out” about our sex life. Ineed a few lines to take and thought to hold on to so that I don’t come across as aggressive or needy or at least not slightly responsible...
posted by krisb1701d to human relations (16 answers total)
Hey guys, thanks in advance, I know there is a lot of experience with questions like this on MetaFilter. I’m going for a “One final attempt to straighten things out” chat and need a few lines to take so that I don’t come across as aggressive or needy or at least not slightly accountable.
So, I have been with my bf for around 10 months. At the start we had a few hiccoughs sexually but we were pretty regular, like 1-2 times a week, I would have been keen for a lot more but he wasn’t as crazy about me as I was about him. We have already had 2 serious chats and several sharp hints about me feeling unattractive and unwanted and his reaction is always positive along the lines of, “You’re all I want”, “please never feel unattractive” reassurance etc… The frequency will up marginally for a week or two, but we are at an average of *1 week, 1 instance. Aside from 2 exceptions that I can recall where I was approached, the default position is about once at the end of the week I will be so horny that I will throw myself at him desperately and he will put in a little time and a little effort effort.
Now, as always there is some context. Mainly that I have never been to his place as he is not out to his parents about me. With me, he will stay at least 1 night at the weekend and 1-2 nights during the week and unless it is first thing in the morning, he will usually flat out refuse claiming tiredness. We have had a few vacations ranging from 3-5 days. On these occasions it is still about once, instigated by me, but in that regard we don’t have a full 7 day week in which to make love. Further he will not entertain sex in any other location but bed, out and about, or even in the car somewhere quiet.
Secondly, he has been circumcised about 5 years ago, and has a self evident self professed gradually lowering sex drive, so accidental touch will not arouse him the way it does with me, he claims to enjoy the sex we have, just that he never thinks of it until I have instigated it. Sometimes he will masturbate me briefly and not require any gratification himself, he says he does this to try and understand and to keep me happy because it is important to him to keep me satisfied. He has IBS and maybe once a month will claim that he is sore or tired or too run down to feel aroused.
At the start this was cool, I was so head over heels and turned on by him any delay made the act even more explosive. A few months ago, I tried putting more effort in, I got us handcuff and some toys and was very open about doing whatever he wanted to try to fan the flames, but that didn’t really work. Now I feel like I am falling out of love with him, like the chemistry is dying due to this, like I will end up feeling so powerless and vulnerable that I will start to resent him for tossing it to me that little. I have seen porn on his phone and ipad, so I am aware at least once a week he will masturbate on his own at home over porn which only makes me feel even more unattractive… I find myself lying away aroused a lot, just hoping that he will want to get on top of me, go wild over me, just approach me lustfully like I always do with him.
Finally, the reason I still feel this is worth saving is that most other aspects of our relationship is great, we get on really well like a wee team and we have a great connection and chemistry. I’ve never been in love with anyone like this. He is totally drama free, thinks I’m perfect for him, always discusses any fears I have reasonably and is empathetic. He very good to me and is in fact taking me away to a hotel next week for a few nights, so I want to address this before we go away, though I can’t help but feeling that the increased frequency after I threaten to end things like on previous occasions means he is doing it for completely the wrong motivations. I am also aware of how emotionally sensitive I am about how sex is the main ways that I feel loved, and having lost about 12 stone in weight 4 years ago and have a few intimacy issues around feeling unattractive in relation to my body and skin etc I can’t help but try harder feeling like I am compounding the issues with my hang ups and that part of it is needing to work on feeling attractive aside from the frequency/who instigates the sex we have. Any other relationship I have had, the sex sort of declines in this way, so naturally I’m left feeling that it is me.
TLDR: I fear that our sex life is so unimpulsive and regimented early in our relationship, and being so chronically untouched makes me think we will never make it in the long run if things decline further or I can’t learn to stop trying to change him to be with me and deal with it. So I’ve don’t the “We need to chat” today.
Your thoughts on what to say to him/ask of him are greatly appreciated :)