Lets get it on, or get it off!
September 5, 2013 5:25 AM Subscribe
I’m going for a “One final attempt to straighten things out” about our sex life. Ineed a few lines to take and thought to hold on to so that I don’t come across as aggressive or needy or at least not slightly responsible...
Hey guys, thanks in advance, I know there is a lot of experience with questions like this on MetaFilter. I’m going for a “One final attempt to straighten things out” chat and need a few lines to take so that I don’t come across as aggressive or needy or at least not slightly accountable.
So, I have been with my bf for around 10 months. At the start we had a few hiccoughs sexually but we were pretty regular, like 1-2 times a week, I would have been keen for a lot more but he wasn’t as crazy about me as I was about him. We have already had 2 serious chats and several sharp hints about me feeling unattractive and unwanted and his reaction is always positive along the lines of, “You’re all I want”, “please never feel unattractive” reassurance etc… The frequency will up marginally for a week or two, but we are at an average of *1 week, 1 instance. Aside from 2 exceptions that I can recall where I was approached, the default position is about once at the end of the week I will be so horny that I will throw myself at him desperately and he will put in a little time and a little effort effort.
Now, as always there is some context. Mainly that I have never been to his place as he is not out to his parents about me. With me, he will stay at least 1 night at the weekend and 1-2 nights during the week and unless it is first thing in the morning, he will usually flat out refuse claiming tiredness. We have had a few vacations ranging from 3-5 days. On these occasions it is still about once, instigated by me, but in that regard we don’t have a full 7 day week in which to make love. Further he will not entertain sex in any other location but bed, out and about, or even in the car somewhere quiet.
Secondly, he has been circumcised about 5 years ago, and has a self evident self professed gradually lowering sex drive, so accidental touch will not arouse him the way it does with me, he claims to enjoy the sex we have, just that he never thinks of it until I have instigated it. Sometimes he will masturbate me briefly and not require any gratification himself, he says he does this to try and understand and to keep me happy because it is important to him to keep me satisfied. He has IBS and maybe once a month will claim that he is sore or tired or too run down to feel aroused.
At the start this was cool, I was so head over heels and turned on by him any delay made the act even more explosive. A few months ago, I tried putting more effort in, I got us handcuff and some toys and was very open about doing whatever he wanted to try to fan the flames, but that didn’t really work. Now I feel like I am falling out of love with him, like the chemistry is dying due to this, like I will end up feeling so powerless and vulnerable that I will start to resent him for tossing it to me that little. I have seen porn on his phone and ipad, so I am aware at least once a week he will masturbate on his own at home over porn which only makes me feel even more unattractive… I find myself lying away aroused a lot, just hoping that he will want to get on top of me, go wild over me, just approach me lustfully like I always do with him.
Finally, the reason I still feel this is worth saving is that most other aspects of our relationship is great, we get on really well like a wee team and we have a great connection and chemistry. I’ve never been in love with anyone like this. He is totally drama free, thinks I’m perfect for him, always discusses any fears I have reasonably and is empathetic. He very good to me and is in fact taking me away to a hotel next week for a few nights, so I want to address this before we go away, though I can’t help but feeling that the increased frequency after I threaten to end things like on previous occasions means he is doing it for completely the wrong motivations. I am also aware of how emotionally sensitive I am about how sex is the main ways that I feel loved, and having lost about 12 stone in weight 4 years ago and have a few intimacy issues around feeling unattractive in relation to my body and skin etc I can’t help but try harder feeling like I am compounding the issues with my hang ups and that part of it is needing to work on feeling attractive aside from the frequency/who instigates the sex we have. Any other relationship I have had, the sex sort of declines in this way, so naturally I’m left feeling that it is me.
TLDR: I fear that our sex life is so unimpulsive and regimented early in our relationship, and being so chronically untouched makes me think we will never make it in the long run if things decline further or I can’t learn to stop trying to change him to be with me and deal with it. So I’ve don’t the “We need to chat” today.
Your thoughts on what to say to him/ask of him are greatly appreciated :)
Hey guys, thanks in advance, I know there is a lot of experience with questions like this on MetaFilter. I’m going for a “One final attempt to straighten things out” chat and need a few lines to take so that I don’t come across as aggressive or needy or at least not slightly accountable.
So, I have been with my bf for around 10 months. At the start we had a few hiccoughs sexually but we were pretty regular, like 1-2 times a week, I would have been keen for a lot more but he wasn’t as crazy about me as I was about him. We have already had 2 serious chats and several sharp hints about me feeling unattractive and unwanted and his reaction is always positive along the lines of, “You’re all I want”, “please never feel unattractive” reassurance etc… The frequency will up marginally for a week or two, but we are at an average of *1 week, 1 instance. Aside from 2 exceptions that I can recall where I was approached, the default position is about once at the end of the week I will be so horny that I will throw myself at him desperately and he will put in a little time and a little effort effort.
Now, as always there is some context. Mainly that I have never been to his place as he is not out to his parents about me. With me, he will stay at least 1 night at the weekend and 1-2 nights during the week and unless it is first thing in the morning, he will usually flat out refuse claiming tiredness. We have had a few vacations ranging from 3-5 days. On these occasions it is still about once, instigated by me, but in that regard we don’t have a full 7 day week in which to make love. Further he will not entertain sex in any other location but bed, out and about, or even in the car somewhere quiet.
Secondly, he has been circumcised about 5 years ago, and has a self evident self professed gradually lowering sex drive, so accidental touch will not arouse him the way it does with me, he claims to enjoy the sex we have, just that he never thinks of it until I have instigated it. Sometimes he will masturbate me briefly and not require any gratification himself, he says he does this to try and understand and to keep me happy because it is important to him to keep me satisfied. He has IBS and maybe once a month will claim that he is sore or tired or too run down to feel aroused.
At the start this was cool, I was so head over heels and turned on by him any delay made the act even more explosive. A few months ago, I tried putting more effort in, I got us handcuff and some toys and was very open about doing whatever he wanted to try to fan the flames, but that didn’t really work. Now I feel like I am falling out of love with him, like the chemistry is dying due to this, like I will end up feeling so powerless and vulnerable that I will start to resent him for tossing it to me that little. I have seen porn on his phone and ipad, so I am aware at least once a week he will masturbate on his own at home over porn which only makes me feel even more unattractive… I find myself lying away aroused a lot, just hoping that he will want to get on top of me, go wild over me, just approach me lustfully like I always do with him.
Finally, the reason I still feel this is worth saving is that most other aspects of our relationship is great, we get on really well like a wee team and we have a great connection and chemistry. I’ve never been in love with anyone like this. He is totally drama free, thinks I’m perfect for him, always discusses any fears I have reasonably and is empathetic. He very good to me and is in fact taking me away to a hotel next week for a few nights, so I want to address this before we go away, though I can’t help but feeling that the increased frequency after I threaten to end things like on previous occasions means he is doing it for completely the wrong motivations. I am also aware of how emotionally sensitive I am about how sex is the main ways that I feel loved, and having lost about 12 stone in weight 4 years ago and have a few intimacy issues around feeling unattractive in relation to my body and skin etc I can’t help but try harder feeling like I am compounding the issues with my hang ups and that part of it is needing to work on feeling attractive aside from the frequency/who instigates the sex we have. Any other relationship I have had, the sex sort of declines in this way, so naturally I’m left feeling that it is me.
TLDR: I fear that our sex life is so unimpulsive and regimented early in our relationship, and being so chronically untouched makes me think we will never make it in the long run if things decline further or I can’t learn to stop trying to change him to be with me and deal with it. So I’ve don’t the “We need to chat” today.
Your thoughts on what to say to him/ask of him are greatly appreciated :)
There is no, "thing" to straighten out; you're changing the goal posts because your libido is higher than your partner/boyfriend's or/and you require greater validation/reassurance (via sex). I say this because you mentioned sexual, "hiccups" in the initial phase of the relationship and the frequency then (once or twice a week) doesn't differ markedly to now (once a week). Ultimately, you're attempting to shift the blame for your sexual dissatisfaction to your partner despite the fact it appears you've simply chosen to commence and continue a relationship with someone with whom you were never actually sexually/physically compatible.
posted by Nibiru at 5:51 AM on September 5, 2013 [3 favorites]
posted by Nibiru at 5:51 AM on September 5, 2013 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: Salamander, Just to clarify, he is 27, lives with his parents who are fairly homophobic and despite hints do not want to know about me let alone have me stay in there home, I have accepted this as it is not really his fault. My friends all feel it is worth discussing with him and that he is generally good for me.
posted by krisb1701d at 5:57 AM on September 5, 2013
posted by krisb1701d at 5:57 AM on September 5, 2013
From what you describe, you two DO have a lovely relationship and he cares about you. But you have mismatched libidos and, that, I'm afraid, is very tricky for people to ever resolve much to either party's satisfaction.
See this Dan Savage column and read his advice.
Sample quotes:
So my standard advice in these instances is almost always this: a break up is almost inevitable so you might as well break up now. (Unless there are kids involved, in which case: suck it up, breeders.)
and
This generally isn't a problem that gets better with time and right now, at eight months, it's breaking your heart.
Now I gather that he masturbates too, which would seem to undermind the mismatched libido thing, so an alternative (or additional) explanation is that he has some fetish that he has not shared with you. Or hey, masturbation is just easier/quicker.
Try to figure out which one it is (mismatched libido vs undisclosed fetish) and consider whether you can stay under either circumstance.
posted by Halo in reverse at 5:58 AM on September 5, 2013 [4 favorites]
See this Dan Savage column and read his advice.
Sample quotes:
So my standard advice in these instances is almost always this: a break up is almost inevitable so you might as well break up now. (Unless there are kids involved, in which case: suck it up, breeders.)
and
This generally isn't a problem that gets better with time and right now, at eight months, it's breaking your heart.
Now I gather that he masturbates too, which would seem to undermind the mismatched libido thing, so an alternative (or additional) explanation is that he has some fetish that he has not shared with you. Or hey, masturbation is just easier/quicker.
Try to figure out which one it is (mismatched libido vs undisclosed fetish) and consider whether you can stay under either circumstance.
posted by Halo in reverse at 5:58 AM on September 5, 2013 [4 favorites]
P.S. Some people might say that living with your parents and requiring their approval at age 27 is a dealbreaker all by itself (gay or straight).
posted by Halo in reverse at 6:14 AM on September 5, 2013 [10 favorites]
posted by Halo in reverse at 6:14 AM on September 5, 2013 [10 favorites]
Just to address one small part of this... you're needling him with your insecurity. It's a missing tooth that you can't stop sticking your tongue in, it sounds like. That's exhausting for all of you. Quit it. It exacerbates everything, it's not good for you, it's irksome for him. I understand it, totally, and have been there myself!
And I get it; you feel rejected. I have felt that way! You two express affection differently, and you have some minor differences in sexual appetite, experience, desire, etc.
I feel like "threatening to end things" is hard on all of you too. That's very stressful! If you've already threatened to end things, and that ultimatum-ing hasn't resulted in the changes you want, you have no tools left.
But if you do feel "chronically untouched," then you can't continue in the relationship.
posted by RJ Reynolds at 6:22 AM on September 5, 2013 [2 favorites]
And I get it; you feel rejected. I have felt that way! You two express affection differently, and you have some minor differences in sexual appetite, experience, desire, etc.
I feel like "threatening to end things" is hard on all of you too. That's very stressful! If you've already threatened to end things, and that ultimatum-ing hasn't resulted in the changes you want, you have no tools left.
But if you do feel "chronically untouched," then you can't continue in the relationship.
posted by RJ Reynolds at 6:22 AM on September 5, 2013 [2 favorites]
Mismatched libido is a dealbreaker for me. It very rarely gets better or ends well (in my experience).
In some cases a low libido person has their libido increase at the start of a relationship and then over time cools off to their normal low libido level. That can leave their partner feeling decieved or resentful because they feel like their partner changed the rules or conditions of their relationship. In your case, though, it sounds like your boyfriend never had a big sex drive. This isn't a new thing, he hasn't changed the rules. He has always been this way with you. You're just at your limit for coping with it. I think you were hoping he would "come around" or rise to meet your sex drive in time.
I don't think he is going to.
Short of him having low testosterone or some medical condition that stifles his sex drive, his libido is probably not going to increase. You can have a come to jesus talk with him about it, but I don't think it is going to get you anywhere. You've already had discussions with him about it and it didn't help, why would it this time? He may "try harder" for a short period of time, but his natural state is to have a low sex drive. It is 100% okay for you to have a high(er) sex drive, but it is also 100% okay for him to have a low(er) sex drive. I just don't see how you can solve this.
Mismatched sex drives are a huge huge deal in my opinion. Both parties lose in the equation. What I usually see happening is:
- The one with the higher sex drives ends up feeling resentful that they have to do all the initiating, they feel unattractive (their partner would want to have sex with them if they were more attracted to them), and the sex eventually becomes negative because they end up feeling like they're always forcing their low sex drive partner in to it.
- The one with the low sex drive ends up feeling guilty for disappointing their partner and not giving them what they clearly want. They also can feel resentful and coerced in to having sex when they weren't interested in it. Sex ends up feeling like a chore and imposition the longer it goes, and that can make them even more disinterested in sex.
My relationship rule of thumb is to look at your relationship, exactly as it is RIGHT NOW, without taking in to account any promised changes or improvements. Take it exactly as it is with no changes, and then consider whether you would be happy in that relationship for the rest of your life. If you don't think you would be, then I think you have your answer.
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 6:33 AM on September 5, 2013 [13 favorites]
In some cases a low libido person has their libido increase at the start of a relationship and then over time cools off to their normal low libido level. That can leave their partner feeling decieved or resentful because they feel like their partner changed the rules or conditions of their relationship. In your case, though, it sounds like your boyfriend never had a big sex drive. This isn't a new thing, he hasn't changed the rules. He has always been this way with you. You're just at your limit for coping with it. I think you were hoping he would "come around" or rise to meet your sex drive in time.
I don't think he is going to.
Short of him having low testosterone or some medical condition that stifles his sex drive, his libido is probably not going to increase. You can have a come to jesus talk with him about it, but I don't think it is going to get you anywhere. You've already had discussions with him about it and it didn't help, why would it this time? He may "try harder" for a short period of time, but his natural state is to have a low sex drive. It is 100% okay for you to have a high(er) sex drive, but it is also 100% okay for him to have a low(er) sex drive. I just don't see how you can solve this.
Mismatched sex drives are a huge huge deal in my opinion. Both parties lose in the equation. What I usually see happening is:
- The one with the higher sex drives ends up feeling resentful that they have to do all the initiating, they feel unattractive (their partner would want to have sex with them if they were more attracted to them), and the sex eventually becomes negative because they end up feeling like they're always forcing their low sex drive partner in to it.
- The one with the low sex drive ends up feeling guilty for disappointing their partner and not giving them what they clearly want. They also can feel resentful and coerced in to having sex when they weren't interested in it. Sex ends up feeling like a chore and imposition the longer it goes, and that can make them even more disinterested in sex.
My relationship rule of thumb is to look at your relationship, exactly as it is RIGHT NOW, without taking in to account any promised changes or improvements. Take it exactly as it is with no changes, and then consider whether you would be happy in that relationship for the rest of your life. If you don't think you would be, then I think you have your answer.
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 6:33 AM on September 5, 2013 [13 favorites]
I would have been keen for a lot more but he wasn’t as crazy about me as I was about him.
This right here is a red flag for me. You are assuming that because he doesn't want to have sexual contact with you as frequently as you do with him, that he's not into you as much as you are into him. This very probably isn't true. As everyone above has said, it's very likely that 1x per week is just his default factory setting. When he says "you're all I want" he means it.
Whether you can live with this mismatch long term is another whole issue, but love and sex are two different things. Just as you can not be in love with someone but have great sex, you can also be deeply in love with someone, but only have sex 1x per week (or even less). So be very aware that you might be asking him to do something ("make more of an effort") which just isn't possible or comfortable for him.
posted by anastasiav at 6:41 AM on September 5, 2013 [6 favorites]
This right here is a red flag for me. You are assuming that because he doesn't want to have sexual contact with you as frequently as you do with him, that he's not into you as much as you are into him. This very probably isn't true. As everyone above has said, it's very likely that 1x per week is just his default factory setting. When he says "you're all I want" he means it.
Whether you can live with this mismatch long term is another whole issue, but love and sex are two different things. Just as you can not be in love with someone but have great sex, you can also be deeply in love with someone, but only have sex 1x per week (or even less). So be very aware that you might be asking him to do something ("make more of an effort") which just isn't possible or comfortable for him.
posted by anastasiav at 6:41 AM on September 5, 2013 [6 favorites]
We have already had 2 serious chats and several sharp hints about me feeling unattractive and unwanted
So you equate sex with approval and think it's all about you, he has a low libido, and your best solution is shaming and ordering him to do better. Because nothing arouses like a lecture!
Split. You're never going to be satisfied, and you're being cruel to him.
posted by Lyn Never at 6:48 AM on September 5, 2013 [4 favorites]
So you equate sex with approval and think it's all about you, he has a low libido, and your best solution is shaming and ordering him to do better. Because nothing arouses like a lecture!
Split. You're never going to be satisfied, and you're being cruel to him.
posted by Lyn Never at 6:48 AM on September 5, 2013 [4 favorites]
Best answer: Things I have tried to address mismatched libidos (having been on both sides of the situation):
- Declaring a month long moratorium in order to remove pressure/reset
- Scheduling once a week sessions
- Complaining loudly
- Complaining passive aggressively
- Flirting
- Ignoring
- Searching for hidden kinks/fetishes
- Playing to known turn ons
- Direct requests
- Getting the hornier partner off without reciprocation
- Crying
The singular thing that seemed to resolve the issue was getting a different boyfriend. It is super hard to acknowledge that you can be in love with someone you are not compatible with once you get a chance to date them, but it happens all the time.
The type of gap in drive you seem to have in your relationship is not going to be something you can fix unless you can really, for sure, no kidding make peace with the sex schedule you have seen throughout your relationship. Barring chemical or divine intervention, you are not going to see this change. Can you make a relationship where you feel half starved work? Yes. Will you be able to resist temptation the next time someone thinks you look hungry and wants to offer you a nice 24 course meal? Tricky.
posted by skrozidile at 6:49 AM on September 5, 2013 [11 favorites]
- Declaring a month long moratorium in order to remove pressure/reset
- Scheduling once a week sessions
- Complaining loudly
- Complaining passive aggressively
- Flirting
- Ignoring
- Searching for hidden kinks/fetishes
- Playing to known turn ons
- Direct requests
- Getting the hornier partner off without reciprocation
- Crying
The singular thing that seemed to resolve the issue was getting a different boyfriend. It is super hard to acknowledge that you can be in love with someone you are not compatible with once you get a chance to date them, but it happens all the time.
The type of gap in drive you seem to have in your relationship is not going to be something you can fix unless you can really, for sure, no kidding make peace with the sex schedule you have seen throughout your relationship. Barring chemical or divine intervention, you are not going to see this change. Can you make a relationship where you feel half starved work? Yes. Will you be able to resist temptation the next time someone thinks you look hungry and wants to offer you a nice 24 course meal? Tricky.
posted by skrozidile at 6:49 AM on September 5, 2013 [11 favorites]
There are no way magic words you can give him that will make him want you more, and I can't see what is left to discuss. He already knows what you want, and he either won't or can't bring it. It is what it is: you guys are not sexually compatible, and it is killing your self esteem.
Consider an open relationship, and if that's not workable, you really do need to break up.
posted by ravioli at 7:21 AM on September 5, 2013
Consider an open relationship, and if that's not workable, you really do need to break up.
posted by ravioli at 7:21 AM on September 5, 2013
Best answer: Mismatched sex drives do not get better (unless there is a temporary medical reason). It's driving you crazy now - how much crazier will it drive you after 20 years of marriage?
posted by needlegrrl at 7:25 AM on September 5, 2013
posted by needlegrrl at 7:25 AM on September 5, 2013
This sounds deeper than a mismatched sex drive, it sounds like your boyfriend needs to figure out his own beliefs vs. his parent's beliefs. He got circumsized at 22 (why?) and isn't out to them. I think it has more to do with him feeling ashamed. IF he's got that deeply ingrained shame, the whole relationship, the whole idea of being gay, which he comes face to face with when it's sexytime can stress him out to the max (which can probably irritate IBS) for another layer of discomfort.
I would talk to him about addressing the root problem, which seems to be his incomplete acceptance of himself as a gay man. Maybe his sex drive would improve if he wasn't still half in the closet.
Maybe you wont be able to help him or maybe you don't want to wait that long in which case I guess I'd have to be in the "new boyfriend" camp.
posted by WeekendJen at 8:14 AM on September 5, 2013 [3 favorites]
I would talk to him about addressing the root problem, which seems to be his incomplete acceptance of himself as a gay man. Maybe his sex drive would improve if he wasn't still half in the closet.
Maybe you wont be able to help him or maybe you don't want to wait that long in which case I guess I'd have to be in the "new boyfriend" camp.
posted by WeekendJen at 8:14 AM on September 5, 2013 [3 favorites]
Other folks have made some very astute observations about libido mismatch already.
I see a few other things going on here. Your poor self-image is entirely understandable and a genuine cause of pain for you, but if you make it his responsibility to fix, it will never get any better. External validation is a palliative, not a cure. This is your issue to solve. His relatively low libido and interest are a reflection of his mind and physiology, not a personal reflection on you, not in any way.
Secondly, as others have observed, the fact that he's in his late 20s, committed to living with his parents, and equally committed to not being honest with them about the fact that you are his significant other, are serious barriers to the two of you being able to have a complete, fulfilling adult relationship. I'm not saying you should lean on him in this regard; it's his journey to make. I think though you should give some serious thought to whether or not this is acceptable for you.
Best wishes.
posted by trunk muffins at 10:17 AM on September 5, 2013 [1 favorite]
I see a few other things going on here. Your poor self-image is entirely understandable and a genuine cause of pain for you, but if you make it his responsibility to fix, it will never get any better. External validation is a palliative, not a cure. This is your issue to solve. His relatively low libido and interest are a reflection of his mind and physiology, not a personal reflection on you, not in any way.
Secondly, as others have observed, the fact that he's in his late 20s, committed to living with his parents, and equally committed to not being honest with them about the fact that you are his significant other, are serious barriers to the two of you being able to have a complete, fulfilling adult relationship. I'm not saying you should lean on him in this regard; it's his journey to make. I think though you should give some serious thought to whether or not this is acceptable for you.
Best wishes.
posted by trunk muffins at 10:17 AM on September 5, 2013 [1 favorite]
Firstly: He has IBS and maybe once a month will claim that he is sore or tired or too run down to feel aroused.
I have a chronic, autoimmune stomach condition, and I'm coincidentally just recovering from a few days of it flaring up. Please believe him when he says this. It's very hard when you have a non-visible illness when people don't believe you are sick. My intestine sometimes starts bleeding; it is awful. I could have never sex like that.
Secondly, and more importatntly, it sounds like you have a really big mismatch. I don't think the why of it (his closetedness, your tying sex to self-esteem) really matter - this isn't going to change the longer you stay together, will probably only get worse. I vote for ripping the band-aid off now, before resentment builds up and you end up cheating on him or something. I'm sorry.
posted by smoke at 4:45 PM on September 5, 2013 [2 favorites]
I have a chronic, autoimmune stomach condition, and I'm coincidentally just recovering from a few days of it flaring up. Please believe him when he says this. It's very hard when you have a non-visible illness when people don't believe you are sick. My intestine sometimes starts bleeding; it is awful. I could have never sex like that.
Secondly, and more importatntly, it sounds like you have a really big mismatch. I don't think the why of it (his closetedness, your tying sex to self-esteem) really matter - this isn't going to change the longer you stay together, will probably only get worse. I vote for ripping the band-aid off now, before resentment builds up and you end up cheating on him or something. I'm sorry.
posted by smoke at 4:45 PM on September 5, 2013 [2 favorites]
Best answer: My relationship suffered from mismatched libidos for years, and it was a huge bit of suck in the middle of what was otherwise a great relationship. We tried everything on skrozidile's list and more, and nothing really worked. It was no fun for either of us.
You know what finally fixed it? The higher libido person got much less horny as they got older, and the problem sorted itself out. It took close to a decade (and decrepit middle age) before desires started to match up.
Trouble is, you can't count on that happening, and even if you could, you're allowing your whole horny youth to pass you by while you feel sad, resentful, frustrated and unwanted; and your partner feels badgered, criticized and bad about himself for being such a disappointment to you.
It may be worth it to you to try some things such as:
Doctor visit for him, to check his testosterone levels and general health (but don't be surprised if he balks at this, it is far from unheard-of for the lower-desire partner to get really irritated at the suggestion there might be something "wrong" with them.)
Ditto any sort of therapy.
You could try reading "The Sex-Starved Marriage" which has good info on mismatched libidos and tries to be fair to both partners' experience and point of view.
I do think you should try to be realistic about the outcome, though. Because no matter what you try, the chances of your low-libido partner turning into the sort of person who likes to get it on with you and will pursue you with passion is close to zero.
Is the relationship worth accepting that as the price of admission? (It may or may not be.) If not, you might want to start mentally preparing yourself to walk away.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 5:17 PM on September 5, 2013
You know what finally fixed it? The higher libido person got much less horny as they got older, and the problem sorted itself out. It took close to a decade (and decrepit middle age) before desires started to match up.
Trouble is, you can't count on that happening, and even if you could, you're allowing your whole horny youth to pass you by while you feel sad, resentful, frustrated and unwanted; and your partner feels badgered, criticized and bad about himself for being such a disappointment to you.
It may be worth it to you to try some things such as:
Doctor visit for him, to check his testosterone levels and general health (but don't be surprised if he balks at this, it is far from unheard-of for the lower-desire partner to get really irritated at the suggestion there might be something "wrong" with them.)
Ditto any sort of therapy.
You could try reading "The Sex-Starved Marriage" which has good info on mismatched libidos and tries to be fair to both partners' experience and point of view.
I do think you should try to be realistic about the outcome, though. Because no matter what you try, the chances of your low-libido partner turning into the sort of person who likes to get it on with you and will pursue you with passion is close to zero.
Is the relationship worth accepting that as the price of admission? (It may or may not be.) If not, you might want to start mentally preparing yourself to walk away.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 5:17 PM on September 5, 2013
This thread is closed to new comments.
Mainly that I have never been to his place as he is not out to his parents about me.
Because it doesn't fit with this:
most other aspects of our relationship is great, we get on really well like a wee team and we have a great connection and chemistry. I’ve never been in love with anyone like this. He is totally drama free, thinks I’m perfect for him, always discusses any fears I have reasonably and is empathetic.
posted by Salamander at 5:36 AM on September 5, 2013 [4 favorites]