I've created a dirty talking monster
December 19, 2013 4:03 PM   Subscribe

I've been having a wonderful (until recently) online relationship with a guy until I told him to talk dirty to me now he won't stop.

I've been talking to a guy I met online.He's a really nice guy and I had fun talking to him at one point.Then after a few months of talking without anything sexual being discussed I sent a message to him last week asking him basically to talk dirty to me.He told me that he respects me too much to talk to me like that (although it had been very mildly hinted at before) and I told him to try.He sent me a message and the first one was awkward but the next one was better.It was great the first few times but now that is all he does.Even if I don't reply to the sexual part of his message his next one is sexual.This is a man who use to reply to everything I said and now he barely response to something I've said or doesn't and all and just goes straight into the sex talk.We talk everyday sometimes multiple times a day, no one is that horny.He tells me about these supposed sex dreams he had about me that is weirdly perfect.It's always these little sex stories.I've gotten to the point where I've just stopped read the sex part of his messages.

Another thing that bothers me about his sex messages is that I'm very conservative sexually so when I'm reading his message it's like yuck he mentioned oral sex.Yuck he said doggy style.My fantasy sex is under the covers in the missionary position with the lights off.I've told him that my favorite position is missionary but yet in his little fantasies as far as I know from when I use to read the messages in it's entirety we've never been in the missionary position.So far I've tried to tell him once to stop this and tried to say it in a nice way.I told him to stop making me so horny and he got it for one message now it's back to the same old crap again.I just wanted us to talk like that occasionally twice a week at the absolute most.My sex drive isn't that high to be pretending that this sex talk is turning me on everyday multiple times and nor is his.He's a 54 year old man.So I'm asking this question because I'm at the point where everything that I'm thinking to say to him isn't nice.
posted by sundaytea to Human Relations (19 answers total)
So stop talking to him.
posted by empath at 4:05 PM on December 19, 2013 [5 favorites]

"Stop making me so horny" isn't the most clear way to tell someone that they need to clean up their conversations with you.
posted by oceanjesse at 4:10 PM on December 19, 2013 [43 favorites]

When I was writing that out I figured that one out but I thought I'd include what I've done anyway.
posted by sundaytea at 4:13 PM on December 19, 2013 [2 favorites]

If you told him "stop making me so horny," that'd be your problem. He didn't hear it as "stop." He heard it as, "Oh, you!"

Tell him what you told us: You liked it better when you were talking about things besides sex, you don't like going right for the sex talk, you're very conservative sexually and only really into missionary with the lights off and you don't want the dirty talk to stray far from that, and finally you really only want to do the dirty talking thing occasionally (don't say twice a week at the absolute most, because he will then want to do it twice a week like clockwork, starting immediately). Say maybe once a week, if that.

And then stick to it. If he jumps right back into it, tell him to stop. If he still persists, stop talking to him.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 4:13 PM on December 19, 2013 [6 favorites]

I agree with oceanjesse. Telling him that his sexting is making you horny only encourages him to continue the behavior. After all, he's doing precisely what you asked (and you're giving him the impression that you approve/like it).

IMHO, you need to stop giving the guy unclear signals. Tell him you enjoy a little sexting now and then but that you're feeling a little overwhelmed and he needs to dial it back.

Also, you mentioned being sexually conservative and telling him your favorite position is missionary, but have you actually told him that you find things like oral and doggy style sex unappealing? He can't read your mind and alter his behavior if you're not communicating likes -and- dislikes.

But I'm also curious about what he's getting out of this arrangement. Your post makes it seem very 1-sided, in which case I'm surprised you haven't just found a different sexting buddy.
posted by stubbehtail at 4:23 PM on December 19, 2013 [2 favorites]

"[HisName], I'm sorry to be a prude, but all the sex talk has been grossing me out lately. Can we go back to talking about our lives and things? I like it when you talk dirty to me every once in a while, but this is way too much for me."

Unless you two are very emotionally close, I don't see this ending all that well. You've been lying to him, telling him that he was making you horny when in fact he was making you uncomfortable. I would expect some sort of emotional reaction from him - shame, frustration, something.

For the record:

1) He probably really is this horny. That doesn't seem surprising at all for a man his age, although it may not be typical.

2) It is entirely possible that he won't want to continue your text-based relationship if you take away the exhibitionist gratification he's getting from spouting his fantasies at you.

3) If sexting/constant dirty talk is a vital part of the relationship for him, and you hate it, the relationship is broken. Ending a broken relationship, especially an online one, is probably for the best.
posted by catalytics at 4:34 PM on December 19, 2013 [6 favorites]

Considering the post was about this one aspect of the relationship and by default no one takes online relationships seriously I chose not to go into the relationship otherwise.But,the problem isn't necessarily that I find other things like oral sex and doggy style unappealing it's that it's so frequent that I've been finding different aspects of it that is turning me off.I really don't care much what position we are in his fantasies as long as it isn't everyday.
posted by sundaytea at 4:35 PM on December 19, 2013

You told a guy that you'd like erotic talk - and so far he doesn't have any clue you want anything different. In fact, he may think that by oversharing with you that he'll encourage you to be more open with your sexual fantasies with him. And yes, he's a dude - it is not at all unexpected for him to be that horny.

Just tell him you really like chatting with him online but would prefer to not have it be exclusively erotic talk- suggest no more than one fantasy per week to set a boundary. If he can't stick to it, stop emailing him.
posted by arnicae at 4:53 PM on December 19, 2013 [1 favorite]

Some people take online relationships seriously! I honestly think this kind of thing can come up plenty no matter where the relationship starts. Just be frank--"I like it sometimes, but this is too much, please wait until I suggest it, I need to ease into things, especially stuff that's outside my (conservative) experience. Let me lead, here?" If he respects you, it works out. If he doesn't, you learn now.
posted by Sequence at 4:56 PM on December 19, 2013 [1 favorite]

... giving him only missionary position in the dark to work with, if you'd told him to "talk dirty" to you with just that, he'd likely have run out of stuff to say pretty darn quick. Maybe you should have clarified your expectations a bit more initially - something to think about for the future - since I'm not sure you're going to successfully put this cat back in the bag.
posted by stormyteal at 5:02 PM on December 19, 2013 [4 favorites]

I disagree with prior posters. "Stop making me so horny" is a perfectly acceptable request that should be respected, assuming you're saying it in an unambiguous, firm way.
posted by threeants at 8:12 PM on December 19, 2013

You need to be very direct, though. Like, "You're turning me on, it's making me uncomfortable, and I want you to stop-- and I mean that literally. I don't mean that flirtatiously; I'm asking you to stop."
posted by threeants at 8:14 PM on December 19, 2013 [1 favorite]

He might be doing that to please you. I had this experience once and all the guy was doing it was because I had mentioned that I like it (it wasnt sex but more one of his trait that I had mentioned that I liked), he was really embarrassed that I had become uncomfortable
posted by ladoo at 9:10 PM on December 19, 2013 [1 favorite]

[Please Note: OP has updated about the "stop making me so horny" comment -- "I figured that one out but I thought I'd include what I've done anyway," and the likely inefficacy of this response has been solidly addressed now, so if you're just coming in to say that won't work, we've pretty much got that covered. Also, please respond to the problem posed, and keep it helpful.]
posted by taz (staff) at 12:50 AM on December 20, 2013

I made a comment stated that I had sent him a message about it but it was deleted.I also stated that the main focus has been about me liking missionary sex and that shouldn't have been made into such and issue.I said that I do care about this man and if me saying that comes off as too aggressive I'm sorry.Delete my post and ban my account but it's not going to change that.Most of these answers weren't helpful only judgmental.
posted by sundaytea at 6:08 AM on December 20, 2013 [1 favorite]

[sundaytea, sorry, but your comments were deleted earlier because Ask Metafilter is not for back and forth conversations, or arguing with people who are offering advice. You will get different points of view here, and you need to just consider the suggestions you find helpful and ignore whatever isn't useful to you.]
posted by taz (staff) at 6:25 AM on December 20, 2013

Here you are, you told him directly that you wanted him to talk dirty to you, and bless him, he's doing what he THINKS you want.

I also think you're sending some mixed messages here. You say you wanted him to talk dirty to you and then you say you're sexually conservative and his dirty talk is grossing you out. Forgive me, but even I'M confused what it is you wanted here!

If his dirty talk is grossing you out, just be direct and say something along the lines of "Hey guy, dirty talk is too prominent now. I preferred it when we had cleaner conversations. Let's dial it back again please and I'll let you know if things need spicing up again in the future"

I think men are constantly being told they don't listen to women enough. I think unless you are direct, he won't know what you want. He's not a mind reader and would probably be mortified to learn that the dirty talk is coming across as weird - give him a little kudos for attempting something that might have been difficult for him to try out in the first place!
posted by JenThePro at 8:40 AM on December 20, 2013 [2 favorites]

Ugh anyway I forgot to mention his reply to me.He was receptive but upset part of the reason was other issues that I will not mention.I told him that I didn't want him to stop completely which is how he took it at first.I've been talking dirty to people for years of my life before I met him and have said things that will turn a persons ears red so I didn't add that I wanted him to talk to be about one act.:/ Nor do I want that.
posted by sundaytea at 10:24 AM on December 20, 2013

[OP seriously, no more threadsitting.]
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 12:02 PM on December 20, 2013

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