Tell her sweet little lies?
June 8, 2008 7:32 AM Subscribe
When my girlfriend asks me about my sexual fantasies, should I tell her that I think about having sex with her friends, or lie?
My girlfriend of six months likes to talk dirty in bed, and recently she has started asking me about what I fantasize about. My fantasies mostly involve other women, notably her attractive friends. I feel terrible, but I can't help it. I want to share things with her, and be open and honest with her, but I don't want to hurt her feelings or freak her out. Anybody have any experience or advice to offer with this kind of thing?
My girlfriend of six months likes to talk dirty in bed, and recently she has started asking me about what I fantasize about. My fantasies mostly involve other women, notably her attractive friends. I feel terrible, but I can't help it. I want to share things with her, and be open and honest with her, but I don't want to hurt her feelings or freak her out. Anybody have any experience or advice to offer with this kind of thing?
Btw, don't feel terrible. It's natural and normal to think about other people. You still find your girlfriend the most attractive, right? If you're constantly thinking about other women you find more attractive, then it's a problem and it's probably best to let her find another guy who thinks she's the hottest thing ever.
posted by desjardins at 7:47 AM on June 8, 2008
posted by desjardins at 7:47 AM on June 8, 2008
Nthing desjardins. If my boyfriend came out and told me this info, it would be difficult to relax and enjoy sex with him again.
Are you sure there isn't anything under the sexual sun that you would like to engage in with her? This is what she's looking for.
posted by princesspathos at 7:49 AM on June 8, 2008
Are you sure there isn't anything under the sexual sun that you would like to engage in with her? This is what she's looking for.
posted by princesspathos at 7:49 AM on June 8, 2008
Desjardins also has it again on preview. Women know their men find other women (and their friends) attractive. But we want to be the hottest in their eyes.
posted by princesspathos at 7:50 AM on June 8, 2008
posted by princesspathos at 7:50 AM on June 8, 2008
don't feel bad about feeling it, but don't tell her. at least not yet--this is something you reveal after decades, not months.
just because she wants to know doesn't mean she won't be hurt by the information. this is one of those times where a little white lie is appropriate.
posted by thinkingwoman at 7:52 AM on June 8, 2008
just because she wants to know doesn't mean she won't be hurt by the information. this is one of those times where a little white lie is appropriate.
posted by thinkingwoman at 7:52 AM on June 8, 2008
You dont tell her....ever, ever, ever, ever......anything you thinking about includes her and if you are going to include somebody else let them be strangers....
posted by The1andonly at 7:52 AM on June 8, 2008
posted by The1andonly at 7:52 AM on June 8, 2008
Just to balance things out, I think it's entirely reasonable to discuss your -actual- fantasies with your girlfriend. Do it gently, perhaps approaching it with something like, "Well, I usually think about you, but you know, purely as a fantasy? Sometimes I've wondered what it would be like to sleep with Jane."
Predicating your sex life on a white lie seems odd to me. My girlfriend and I -do- tend to stray towards the unusual when it comes to being able to share things without offending each other, but I can't imagine NOT being this open with someone that I was in a relationship with.
posted by ellF at 7:56 AM on June 8, 2008 [3 favorites]
Predicating your sex life on a white lie seems odd to me. My girlfriend and I -do- tend to stray towards the unusual when it comes to being able to share things without offending each other, but I can't imagine NOT being this open with someone that I was in a relationship with.
posted by ellF at 7:56 AM on June 8, 2008 [3 favorites]
You've only been together 6 months. Surely you have sexual fantasies that predate her and her friends in your life. Recurrent fantasies, long-term fantasies, the ones your imagination comes back to over and over again, whether you're in a relationship or alone. Those are the fantasies she's interested in.
posted by headnsouth at 7:57 AM on June 8, 2008 [5 favorites]
posted by headnsouth at 7:57 AM on June 8, 2008 [5 favorites]
Lie.
posted by Max Power at 8:08 AM on June 8, 2008 [1 favorite]
posted by Max Power at 8:08 AM on June 8, 2008 [1 favorite]
My fantasies mostly involve other women, notably her attractive friends.
Yeah, but what exactly are you doing with these women? I think you're getting hung up on who these fantasies are about as opposed to what's occurring in them.
As to the question of whether you should mention the fantasies involving her friends, the general sentiment of OMG DON'T EVER MENTION is the safe bet, but you know her better than we do. Take it into consideration and the fact that she might fantasize about your friends. If you can't handle that, then definitely don't bring it up.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 8:10 AM on June 8, 2008 [2 favorites]
Yeah, but what exactly are you doing with these women? I think you're getting hung up on who these fantasies are about as opposed to what's occurring in them.
As to the question of whether you should mention the fantasies involving her friends, the general sentiment of OMG DON'T EVER MENTION is the safe bet, but you know her better than we do. Take it into consideration and the fact that she might fantasize about your friends. If you can't handle that, then definitely don't bring it up.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 8:10 AM on June 8, 2008 [2 favorites]
Don't tell her! As a girl, I would not want to know. EEEEEEEEp. NO.
posted by infinityjinx at 8:11 AM on June 8, 2008 [1 favorite]
posted by infinityjinx at 8:11 AM on June 8, 2008 [1 favorite]
ellF: "Well, I usually think about you, but you know, purely as a fantasy? Sometimes I've wondered what it would be like to sleep with Jane."
If you do follow the above suggestion, please record the event because we can at least use your sacrifice to educate others, so your life won't have been lost in vain.
A thousand times no.
posted by Static Vagabond at 8:12 AM on June 8, 2008 [16 favorites]
If you do follow the above suggestion, please record the event because we can at least use your sacrifice to educate others, so your life won't have been lost in vain.
A thousand times no.
posted by Static Vagabond at 8:12 AM on June 8, 2008 [16 favorites]
No, No, No, No, No. Do some online research if you need fantasy ideas that are girlfriend safe but DON'T mention the friends!!
posted by pearlybob at 8:19 AM on June 8, 2008
posted by pearlybob at 8:19 AM on June 8, 2008
Hell no.
There's nothing wrong with being attracted to her friends, but you'd have to be insane to tell your girlfriend.
posted by Mr. President Dr. Steve Elvis America at 8:23 AM on June 8, 2008
There's nothing wrong with being attracted to her friends, but you'd have to be insane to tell your girlfriend.
posted by Mr. President Dr. Steve Elvis America at 8:23 AM on June 8, 2008
She already knows you want to fuck her friends. Telling her would be both a waste of time and piss her off because it's not a fantasy she can get in to.
posted by Inspector.Gadget at 8:25 AM on June 8, 2008 [3 favorites]
posted by Inspector.Gadget at 8:25 AM on June 8, 2008 [3 favorites]
Not a good idea to tell her about your fantasies regarding her friends. It pollutes the entire circle of friends.
Let's talk about mind and body for a moment. The mind needs a car, a vacation, a beach house -- all the needs that can never be fully satisfied are in the mind. It's the same with sex. When the need is in the mind, you can't satisfy the need. When the need is in the mind, the judgment, the knowledge, are also there. This makes sex difficult to deal with. The mind doesn't need sex. What the mind really needs is love, not sex.
Now, the body needs freedom from the mind. Your body has needs you can't avoid; food, water, shelter, sleep, and yes sex. All these needs are completely normal. It's easy to satisfy the needs of the body. But in the mind we create this illusion that the mind needs all these things. The mind confuses the needs of the body with its own needs because the mind needs to know.
When you can separate the needs of the two, and truly love with your mind, and accept love, then you can fantasize and sexualize that wonderful love you have for each other.
posted by netbros at 8:27 AM on June 8, 2008 [2 favorites]
Let's talk about mind and body for a moment. The mind needs a car, a vacation, a beach house -- all the needs that can never be fully satisfied are in the mind. It's the same with sex. When the need is in the mind, you can't satisfy the need. When the need is in the mind, the judgment, the knowledge, are also there. This makes sex difficult to deal with. The mind doesn't need sex. What the mind really needs is love, not sex.
Now, the body needs freedom from the mind. Your body has needs you can't avoid; food, water, shelter, sleep, and yes sex. All these needs are completely normal. It's easy to satisfy the needs of the body. But in the mind we create this illusion that the mind needs all these things. The mind confuses the needs of the body with its own needs because the mind needs to know.
When you can separate the needs of the two, and truly love with your mind, and accept love, then you can fantasize and sexualize that wonderful love you have for each other.
posted by netbros at 8:27 AM on June 8, 2008 [2 favorites]
I think your girlfriend is interested in your fantasies in the sense of wanting to know WHAT turns you on... not WHO. Fantasizing about specific people outside your relationship is normal and happens all the time. But telling her of it, unless you're hoping for a threesome or something, is Very Probably Unwise.
posted by tomboko at 8:30 AM on June 8, 2008 [6 favorites]
posted by tomboko at 8:30 AM on June 8, 2008 [6 favorites]
Your body has needs you can't avoid; food, water, shelter, sleep, and yes sex. All these needs are completely normal. It's easy to satisfy the needs of the body. But in the mind we create this illusion that the mind needs all these things. The mind confuses the needs of the body with its own needs because the mind needs to know.
If you truly believe that your requirements for sustenance, sex, and shelter are illusions in your mind, try doing without them. The body and mind are not separate. Separate the two, and you are no longer a functional human being.
posted by ellF at 8:47 AM on June 8, 2008 [2 favorites]
If you truly believe that your requirements for sustenance, sex, and shelter are illusions in your mind, try doing without them. The body and mind are not separate. Separate the two, and you are no longer a functional human being.
posted by ellF at 8:47 AM on June 8, 2008 [2 favorites]
Generally when sexual partners play this game, the asking partner means "fantasy" as in made up. Not real. Generic. Your girlfriend's best friends? Are very real.
posted by DarlingBri at 8:49 AM on June 8, 2008 [2 favorites]
posted by DarlingBri at 8:49 AM on June 8, 2008 [2 favorites]
You may not know it, but your sexual fantasies are all about stuff you can do to her.
posted by pompomtom at 8:58 AM on June 8, 2008 [9 favorites]
posted by pompomtom at 8:58 AM on June 8, 2008 [9 favorites]
Lie! No good can come from telling her you have sexual fantasies about her friends, unless she does too and you guys end up in some kinky three-way or more, in which case it will probably still be the end of the two of you anyway. There is openness and honesty, and then there is foolishness. The same applies to family members or your co-workers. If you must, stick with an unavailable celebrity. That is unlikely to freak her out, unless of course it is Bill O"Reilly.
posted by caddis at 9:12 AM on June 8, 2008
posted by caddis at 9:12 AM on June 8, 2008
Oh, god, no. No, no, no, a thousand times no. Having been on the receiving end of many, many comments from a lunkheaded ex about how hot my friends were and how much he wanted to bang them, I can assure you: even if she's the most self-assured creature on the planet, it's still not going to be fun for her to hear that her boyfriend wants to sex up her hot friends.
Well, unless she also wants to sex up her friends. In which case, mazel tov!
posted by palomar at 9:18 AM on June 8, 2008 [6 favorites]
Well, unless she also wants to sex up her friends. In which case, mazel tov!
posted by palomar at 9:18 AM on June 8, 2008 [6 favorites]
You may not know it, but your sexual fantasies are all about stuff you can do to her.
Huh? You don't know what you fantasize about but I do, and I'm going to tell you????
I've had some fun pillow talk with partners about mutual friends. I do think the general advice here is good (e.g. most girlfriends -- and boyfriends -- probably wouldn't respond well to the truth in this situation), but I agree with ellF and Brandon Blatcher that it depends on your specific girlfriend's character.
Another factor: how comfortable do you feel keeping these fantasies to yourself. Let's say your gf had never asked you to tell her fantasies, and lets say this is going to be a long-term relationship. Will you be comfortable keeping this stuff to yourself for years?
Like ellF, I'm not comfortable keeping major aspects of myself from my partner. On the other hand, I'm not comfortable hurting my partner. There's no right answer. It's the calculus you have to do in a serious relationship. Your terms are different from my terms, so the answers to our two equations will likely differ.
posted by grumblebee at 9:20 AM on June 8, 2008 [1 favorite]
Huh? You don't know what you fantasize about but I do, and I'm going to tell you????
I've had some fun pillow talk with partners about mutual friends. I do think the general advice here is good (e.g. most girlfriends -- and boyfriends -- probably wouldn't respond well to the truth in this situation), but I agree with ellF and Brandon Blatcher that it depends on your specific girlfriend's character.
Another factor: how comfortable do you feel keeping these fantasies to yourself. Let's say your gf had never asked you to tell her fantasies, and lets say this is going to be a long-term relationship. Will you be comfortable keeping this stuff to yourself for years?
Like ellF, I'm not comfortable keeping major aspects of myself from my partner. On the other hand, I'm not comfortable hurting my partner. There's no right answer. It's the calculus you have to do in a serious relationship. Your terms are different from my terms, so the answers to our two equations will likely differ.
posted by grumblebee at 9:20 AM on June 8, 2008 [1 favorite]
Unless she admits to fanatsizing about your friends, keep it to yourself.
posted by jonmc at 9:27 AM on June 8, 2008 [1 favorite]
posted by jonmc at 9:27 AM on June 8, 2008 [1 favorite]
I would imagine it would be safer to tell her you fantasize about her wearing a strap-on dildo.
posted by matty at 9:33 AM on June 8, 2008
posted by matty at 9:33 AM on June 8, 2008
When a girl asks you about your fantasies - "I want to sleep with all your hot friends" is not what she wants to hear. Lie.
posted by missmagenta at 9:38 AM on June 8, 2008
posted by missmagenta at 9:38 AM on June 8, 2008
You totally missed the point of the question. And granted, it's not a great question. It's one I asked when younger and was similarly misinterpreted. I've since changed my approach.
As tomboko points out, your girlfriend is actually trying to ask you about sexual fantasies you have that she can help fulfill. It's sweet. She's looking for things like - you always wanted to go camping and fuck in a sunny meadow, you want to suck toes, you want her to dress up like Emma Peel and tie you up for being a bad man, whatever.
She's trying to be good, giving, and game. Don't bum her out by being so uncreative that your only fantasy is to fuck her friends.
posted by Squeak Attack at 9:43 AM on June 8, 2008 [36 favorites]
As tomboko points out, your girlfriend is actually trying to ask you about sexual fantasies you have that she can help fulfill. It's sweet. She's looking for things like - you always wanted to go camping and fuck in a sunny meadow, you want to suck toes, you want her to dress up like Emma Peel and tie you up for being a bad man, whatever.
She's trying to be good, giving, and game. Don't bum her out by being so uncreative that your only fantasy is to fuck her friends.
posted by Squeak Attack at 9:43 AM on June 8, 2008 [36 favorites]
hahahahaha no
She's asking "what activities would you like to engage in," not "who do you want to fuck?" The answer to the second is supposed to be a given.
posted by Optimus Chyme at 9:59 AM on June 8, 2008 [3 favorites]
She's asking "what activities would you like to engage in," not "who do you want to fuck?" The answer to the second is supposed to be a given.
posted by Optimus Chyme at 9:59 AM on June 8, 2008 [3 favorites]
Seconding Greg Nog.
Never tell a woman that you're attracted to, let alone fantasize about, her friends. Some women can take such an admission in stride, but for many it will create nothing but problems, not only for your relationship, but relationships with and among her and her friends.
Women often feel that they are in competition with their friends for men (making a "broad" generalization here ladies, please don't hate me) and admitting something like this would be a horrible, horrible mistake.
That said, it is possible that your girlfriend may get off on hearing you talk about her friends. Who knows? It may even lead to her inviting one of her friends into bed. Stranger things have happened.
If you're going to work that angle you have to go about it carefully. Start by saying, "I'm reluctant to admit this, because I would never act on these impulses, but sometimes I fantasize about other women." Be vague at first. See how she reacts. If the subject keeps coming up you can get more specific. If you mention her friends do so in an indirect way. Say, "I fantasy about someone who looks like your friend." If at any point your girl reacts negatively you know to drop the subject.
Personally I don't like it when women ask this. I don't think that men fantasize about sex in the same way that women do and these conversations can always be awkward and stilted. What am I supposed to say? That I think about the chick I dated before you and how she would consistently swallow without spitting? No one wants to hear that...
posted by wfrgms at 10:54 AM on June 8, 2008 [1 favorite]
Never tell a woman that you're attracted to, let alone fantasize about, her friends. Some women can take such an admission in stride, but for many it will create nothing but problems, not only for your relationship, but relationships with and among her and her friends.
Women often feel that they are in competition with their friends for men (making a "broad" generalization here ladies, please don't hate me) and admitting something like this would be a horrible, horrible mistake.
That said, it is possible that your girlfriend may get off on hearing you talk about her friends. Who knows? It may even lead to her inviting one of her friends into bed. Stranger things have happened.
If you're going to work that angle you have to go about it carefully. Start by saying, "I'm reluctant to admit this, because I would never act on these impulses, but sometimes I fantasize about other women." Be vague at first. See how she reacts. If the subject keeps coming up you can get more specific. If you mention her friends do so in an indirect way. Say, "I fantasy about someone who looks like your friend." If at any point your girl reacts negatively you know to drop the subject.
Personally I don't like it when women ask this. I don't think that men fantasize about sex in the same way that women do and these conversations can always be awkward and stilted. What am I supposed to say? That I think about the chick I dated before you and how she would consistently swallow without spitting? No one wants to hear that...
posted by wfrgms at 10:54 AM on June 8, 2008 [1 favorite]
When a woman asks you about fantasies, she's generally not asking about who you're fantasizing about, she's asking about what. Any woman who has witnessed a man's porn collection will know that she's not always the center of his fantasies. So what she's asking if is you want to play a pirate or ninja, or try that particularly exotic position - not about whether you're picturing doing it with her or someone else.
That said, the "don't ask, don't tell" on fantasizing about other people is a very good policy in monogamous relationships, because otherwise you're opening the door to "comparing" her to her friends, and that's the sort of thing a guy does when he wants to make someone feel bad.
posted by medea42 at 11:02 AM on June 8, 2008
That said, the "don't ask, don't tell" on fantasizing about other people is a very good policy in monogamous relationships, because otherwise you're opening the door to "comparing" her to her friends, and that's the sort of thing a guy does when he wants to make someone feel bad.
posted by medea42 at 11:02 AM on June 8, 2008
I agree with just about everyone on the "don't tell her" aspect, but I don't know why people keep saying "you need to lie"--it's not lying to leave out the part about wanting to fuck her friends. It's answering the question she asked.
posted by Meg_Murry at 11:21 AM on June 8, 2008
posted by Meg_Murry at 11:21 AM on June 8, 2008
Been there. Was honest. Was miserable as a result.
Keep it to actions, not faces. There's ways around outright lying.
It sounds like you've got a good thing going, enjoy!
posted by Busithoth at 11:30 AM on June 8, 2008 [1 favorite]
Keep it to actions, not faces. There's ways around outright lying.
It sounds like you've got a good thing going, enjoy!
posted by Busithoth at 11:30 AM on June 8, 2008 [1 favorite]
I'm going to jump in on the "she's asking about what you can do to together; not who you would do in a world of infinite opportunity". I'm also going to support the proposition that discussing fantasies without listing the people you know that you think are hot is not lying. It's simply discretion.
posted by crush-onastick at 12:20 PM on June 8, 2008 [1 favorite]
posted by crush-onastick at 12:20 PM on June 8, 2008 [1 favorite]
Just in case the rest of this thread ain't persuaded you, lie. lie, lie, lie, lie, lie.
posted by EatTheWeek at 12:27 PM on June 8, 2008
posted by EatTheWeek at 12:27 PM on June 8, 2008
LIE.
(Unless, I suppose, she's the polyamorous etc. type. PLUS very chill. Oh, who am I kidding. LIE ANYWAY.)
Good christ.
posted by paultopia at 12:32 PM on June 8, 2008
(Unless, I suppose, she's the polyamorous etc. type. PLUS very chill. Oh, who am I kidding. LIE ANYWAY.)
Good christ.
posted by paultopia at 12:32 PM on June 8, 2008
Nthing that she wants to know what hot things you want to do to HER, not her friends. If she's the type of woman who might be up for hearing about how bangable her friends are, she'll let you know in her own way (e.g., she'll hint at a threesome or something).
posted by scody at 12:35 PM on June 8, 2008
posted by scody at 12:35 PM on June 8, 2008
It's not even that you have to lie. It's just a matter of responding to the right question, which is, as mentioned upthread, WHAT, not WHO.
Are you sure there isn't anything under the sexual sun that you would like to engage in with her?
Well put.
posted by desuetude at 12:48 PM on June 8, 2008
Are you sure there isn't anything under the sexual sun that you would like to engage in with her?
Well put.
posted by desuetude at 12:48 PM on June 8, 2008
"Telling her would be both a waste of time and piss her off because it's not a fantasy she can get in to."
You don't -- and indeed cannot possibly -- know that to be true. It's reasonable to assume so, but it actually might be precisely the kind of fantasy she gets into; however, as almost everyone responding here has emphasized, she's the one who should be bringing it up, not you, and probably a lot further into your relationship than 6 months.
posted by onshi at 12:54 PM on June 8, 2008
You don't -- and indeed cannot possibly -- know that to be true. It's reasonable to assume so, but it actually might be precisely the kind of fantasy she gets into; however, as almost everyone responding here has emphasized, she's the one who should be bringing it up, not you, and probably a lot further into your relationship than 6 months.
posted by onshi at 12:54 PM on June 8, 2008
Answer from someone who would prefer to remain anonymous.
I used to be with a guy who told me he fantasized about my friends, and we did a lot of storytelling in bed/over the phone/email where I would tell stories involving one or more girls we knew. I think it did bother me, some, but I'm not good at knowing my own mind anyway. The bit that crossed the line for me was him wanting me to tell stories involving my sisters, which I did for a while and then stopped. Just knowing he was thinking about other girls didn't really bother me, but he was close friends with my sister and I think I'm jealous of her for other stuff anyway (also I'm not really a natural storyteller so that bit was a little hard).posted by jessamyn at 1:15 PM on June 8, 2008
Anyway, I'd probably avoid mentioning it unless you're confident that she won't get at all jealous or insecure, and I agree with everyone else that she is actually asking what kind of things you might like to do in the bedroom that she can help you with (and hell, if what you really want is for her to roleplay one of her friends...you're going to have to work up to that very slowly and you should know before you ever get around to asking her whether she'll be ok with that).
It may not matter right now...heck, she might even play along, but this is one of those enemies that you don't want to leave behind you...it's unexploded ordnance, and it WILL come back and blow your head off somewhere down the road. So...don't.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 1:26 PM on June 8, 2008
posted by The Light Fantastic at 1:26 PM on June 8, 2008
well Ive had previous relationships where ive admitted to fancying my girlfriends friends. Maybe thats your answer! However dude... It usually gets disapproving looks but this one time my open minded girlfriend stole her friends used underwear for me as a gift before we had sex that night which I so totally got off on. It was one of the best things ever! I also enjoyed seeing my girlfriend squirm in general when i teased her about how much I wanted to sleep with her friend and to be honest it made our sex life more passionate. I think I got away with it because I just didnt care what her reaction would be. If I had been hesitant or nervous about it im sure she would have thrown a tantrum and kicked me out All this doing the normal expected safe censored conventional etc etc is just sooooo boring. You only live once so why not have the courage once in a while to say what you want to say!! Shes wanting to spice things up herself from the sounds of it and if you just tell her lies about how you think( cliches) such as chocolate smearing, and light suburban bondage are going to get you off, then she will just see right through you and dump you anyway!
posted by ibelieve at 3:22 PM on June 8, 2008 [1 favorite]
posted by ibelieve at 3:22 PM on June 8, 2008 [1 favorite]
Don't tell her. Corral these fantasies with all the other terrifying thoughts that will never ever venture beyond the inside of your head, at least not in her presence. If the world were meant to hear all our thoughts they would be streaming past on little digital news tickers on our foreheads. But no, we were blessed with the opportunity to proofread thoughts before we let them out, and thank god for that.
On the other hand - most of your fantasies involve other women? Is that normal? I think most girls assume that guys they date will fantasize about other girls, but let it slide because they trust he prefers the one he's actually with. But if he really prefers their attractive friends, to the point where they crowd the girl he's actually dating out of his fantasies, it might be time to move on so both parties can do better.
posted by granted at 3:27 PM on June 8, 2008
On the other hand - most of your fantasies involve other women? Is that normal? I think most girls assume that guys they date will fantasize about other girls, but let it slide because they trust he prefers the one he's actually with. But if he really prefers their attractive friends, to the point where they crowd the girl he's actually dating out of his fantasies, it might be time to move on so both parties can do better.
posted by granted at 3:27 PM on June 8, 2008
First, great post title. Second, I'm somewhat surprised by the conservative nature of many here.
I think most people here are correct, she's asking if you want to tie her up or do role playing or something.
But, you do only live once, and if she asks an open-ended question like that, then she should be mature enough to withstand the answer.
Put bluntly, if she doesn't want to know, then she shouldn't ask.
So, if you want to be true to yourself, and live life to its fullest, tell her the truth, not as some sort of punishment or criticism, but within the bounds of the "fantasy" discussion. You may get a three-way or some dirty talk out of it. You may get a disapproving stare. You may get a pair of dirty underwear like ibelieve did. Life is a rich tapestry.
If saving her feelings is paramount, then yeah, I'd go with the post above mine, just say "anal sex" and be done with it.
posted by Ynoxas at 5:05 PM on June 8, 2008
I think most people here are correct, she's asking if you want to tie her up or do role playing or something.
But, you do only live once, and if she asks an open-ended question like that, then she should be mature enough to withstand the answer.
Put bluntly, if she doesn't want to know, then she shouldn't ask.
So, if you want to be true to yourself, and live life to its fullest, tell her the truth, not as some sort of punishment or criticism, but within the bounds of the "fantasy" discussion. You may get a three-way or some dirty talk out of it. You may get a disapproving stare. You may get a pair of dirty underwear like ibelieve did. Life is a rich tapestry.
If saving her feelings is paramount, then yeah, I'd go with the post above mine, just say "anal sex" and be done with it.
posted by Ynoxas at 5:05 PM on June 8, 2008
Unless you have some good reason to think she's (a) hot for her friends , or (b) doesn't mind the idea that you are, it's a fairly risky thing to tell her.
posted by rodgerd at 5:09 PM on June 8, 2008
posted by rodgerd at 5:09 PM on June 8, 2008
No, you should not. Gosh I love answering the easy ones.
posted by kingjoeshmoe at 2:42 AM on June 9, 2008
posted by kingjoeshmoe at 2:42 AM on June 9, 2008
if she asks an open-ended question like that, then she should be mature enough to withstand the answer.
Keep living the dream there dude! That's some fantastically BAD ADVICE!!!
...signed...
a chick.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 2:48 AM on June 9, 2008 [4 favorites]
Keep living the dream there dude! That's some fantastically BAD ADVICE!!!
...signed...
a chick.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 2:48 AM on June 9, 2008 [4 favorites]
If youre interested, I may have, kinda, sorta, done, erm that. It wasnt pretty. It was a conversation with a girl at work that I'd been getting on well with. We'd pretty much decided that night that I would be going round for the evening and fulfilling some of the 'discussions' we'd had over email over the previous month or 2.
About 4.45pm we're still chatting on MSN and we've talked about everything - in beautiful awesome detail about exactly what would happen and we're both unbelivably ready and then she says - "how about we pretend to be other people" in a fantasy kind of way.
How was i supposed to know she didnt mean OTHER WOMEN AT WORK THAT I LIKED?!
She meant, like, fantasy figures, I dunno, uniforms, whatever. I'm stupid yeah yeah.
She cut me off and blanked me at work for 2 years until I left. It was horrible, and this was someone I hadnt even yet had sex with. Oh and she told the other women. That was a nice brucie bonus I hadnt anticpated. Never in my life willl forget the 5 minute silence between me typing my last message, and the 'x is not online' message appearing.
Dont. Do. It. Ever.
posted by daveyt at 4:10 AM on June 9, 2008 [4 favorites]
About 4.45pm we're still chatting on MSN and we've talked about everything - in beautiful awesome detail about exactly what would happen and we're both unbelivably ready and then she says - "how about we pretend to be other people" in a fantasy kind of way.
How was i supposed to know she didnt mean OTHER WOMEN AT WORK THAT I LIKED?!
She meant, like, fantasy figures, I dunno, uniforms, whatever. I'm stupid yeah yeah.
She cut me off and blanked me at work for 2 years until I left. It was horrible, and this was someone I hadnt even yet had sex with. Oh and she told the other women. That was a nice brucie bonus I hadnt anticpated. Never in my life willl forget the 5 minute silence between me typing my last message, and the 'x is not online' message appearing.
Dont. Do. It. Ever.
posted by daveyt at 4:10 AM on June 9, 2008 [4 favorites]
How do you feel about fun-by-numbers? You could tell her fantasize about being with her and other women. Just DO NOT SPECIFY which women. Do not specify any particular other women, whether she knows them or not. But it could be safe to say that you like to imagine being with her and someone else.
That could lead to some fun co-fantasizing while you're with just her. Better -- if it's your thing -- you could wind up with her and a hot woman you don't know. Best -- this is a reach but has been known to happen -- you could wind up with her and her hot friend(s)!
posted by TrixieRamble at 7:38 AM on June 9, 2008
That could lead to some fun co-fantasizing while you're with just her. Better -- if it's your thing -- you could wind up with her and a hot woman you don't know. Best -- this is a reach but has been known to happen -- you could wind up with her and her hot friend(s)!
posted by TrixieRamble at 7:38 AM on June 9, 2008
There's this point in Twin Peaks where Dale Cooper, about to get involved in a situation that will lead to his demise, has a vision of a mystical giant. The giant is shaking his head and slowly waving his arms in warning. Look out for that giant.
posted by Beardman at 9:10 AM on June 9, 2008 [4 favorites]
posted by Beardman at 9:10 AM on June 9, 2008 [4 favorites]
daveyt, you dodged a bullet there my friend.
The Light Fantastic, I realize "don't tell her" is the CORRECT!!! response that wins you a shot at the bonus round, but it is sort of like interview questions where you know what the right, expected, pat answer is, but you are still loathe to answer.
We've had threads before about "radical honesty" and the such. I'm actually a believer in radical honesty, tempered with compassion for the other person. In other words, I would probably not volunteer to a woman that I wanted to nail her friends, that could be seen as hurtful or insulting, even if it was true. But if she asks me, well, yeah, I'm probably going to answer. And my mate should WANT me to answer truthfully.
And speaking in broad generalities, most men would probably like to fornicate with other women, and some of those might be friends of the mate. Biology is funny like that.
My wife of 12 years knows I would like to get it on with some of her friends. She asked about said friends, I told her. She's a big girl. She didn't collapse into a sobbing heap. She knows I love her, and adore her supremely. She knows I have unquelled burning physical desire for her that has not lost any intensity in 12 years of marriage. What does she have to fear from a hypothetical? She knows me, and frankly she'd immediately call me out for lying if I were to say "Oh, NOOOOO there's no way I'd want to have sex with your tall thin blonde cheerleading friend from college. God, it makes me sick just to look at her."
Put another way, if the first thing that goes off in your mind when you hear this question is Admiral Ackbar saying "It's a trap!" then #1 you watch too much Star Wars, and #2, you may want to reconsider your choice in sexual mates.
I stand by my statement that if the girl asks, then she needs to be mature enough to accept the answer, whatever it be.
Something for those answering to consider... what if the guy were actually attracted to another guy... do you feel that is something he could share? Or is that too something that the woman would be unprepared to handle?
I know that I would rather a tell partner about me wanting to have sex with other attractive women, which should honestly be assumed about a healthy, well adjusted male, than some of my kinks.
THOSE are the hard discussions. And those have much more opportunity for going south than something as innocent as this.
Although, and I just now thought of this, I have thus far never had a girl I was sexually involved with be surprised or offended at any of my kinks that I've revealed, which (see radical honesty, above) is all of them.
I've either always been with pretty open minded people, or my kinks are much more pedestrian than they seem.
posted by Ynoxas at 10:25 AM on June 9, 2008 [1 favorite]
The Light Fantastic, I realize "don't tell her" is the CORRECT!!! response that wins you a shot at the bonus round, but it is sort of like interview questions where you know what the right, expected, pat answer is, but you are still loathe to answer.
We've had threads before about "radical honesty" and the such. I'm actually a believer in radical honesty, tempered with compassion for the other person. In other words, I would probably not volunteer to a woman that I wanted to nail her friends, that could be seen as hurtful or insulting, even if it was true. But if she asks me, well, yeah, I'm probably going to answer. And my mate should WANT me to answer truthfully.
And speaking in broad generalities, most men would probably like to fornicate with other women, and some of those might be friends of the mate. Biology is funny like that.
My wife of 12 years knows I would like to get it on with some of her friends. She asked about said friends, I told her. She's a big girl. She didn't collapse into a sobbing heap. She knows I love her, and adore her supremely. She knows I have unquelled burning physical desire for her that has not lost any intensity in 12 years of marriage. What does she have to fear from a hypothetical? She knows me, and frankly she'd immediately call me out for lying if I were to say "Oh, NOOOOO there's no way I'd want to have sex with your tall thin blonde cheerleading friend from college. God, it makes me sick just to look at her."
Put another way, if the first thing that goes off in your mind when you hear this question is Admiral Ackbar saying "It's a trap!" then #1 you watch too much Star Wars, and #2, you may want to reconsider your choice in sexual mates.
I stand by my statement that if the girl asks, then she needs to be mature enough to accept the answer, whatever it be.
Something for those answering to consider... what if the guy were actually attracted to another guy... do you feel that is something he could share? Or is that too something that the woman would be unprepared to handle?
I know that I would rather a tell partner about me wanting to have sex with other attractive women, which should honestly be assumed about a healthy, well adjusted male, than some of my kinks.
THOSE are the hard discussions. And those have much more opportunity for going south than something as innocent as this.
Although, and I just now thought of this, I have thus far never had a girl I was sexually involved with be surprised or offended at any of my kinks that I've revealed, which (see radical honesty, above) is all of them.
I've either always been with pretty open minded people, or my kinks are much more pedestrian than they seem.
posted by Ynoxas at 10:25 AM on June 9, 2008 [1 favorite]
Oh my Lord! If you could've seen my face...
Ho ho! But wait 'til you see the look on her face!!! !!!!!
Why the sweet fuck would you think that was a good idea?
posted by mu~ha~ha~ha~har at 10:34 AM on June 9, 2008
Ho ho! But wait 'til you see the look on her face!!! !!!!!
Why the sweet fuck would you think that was a good idea?
posted by mu~ha~ha~ha~har at 10:34 AM on June 9, 2008
One lady's opinion: Don't tell her. Substitute a celebrity. Preferably a dead celebrity with a similar body type.
posted by frecklefaerie at 11:22 AM on June 9, 2008
posted by frecklefaerie at 11:22 AM on June 9, 2008
I stand by my statement that if the girl asks, then she needs to be mature enough to accept the answer, whatever it be.
Except that it's pretty clear that what the girl is asking is "is there anything I can do for you that you fantasize about?" and not "tell me which of my friends you'd like to have sex with!". Being honest is not the same thing as deliberately misinterpreting what someone is asking.
I mean, sometimes I fantasize that I'll eventually be able to get a decent night's sleep without my cat freaking out and waking me at 6:00am, but that's not what I'd say if I'm in bed with a girl and she asks me if I have any fantasies. Because, true as it may be, it is not what she is asking.
posted by Justinian at 11:34 AM on June 9, 2008 [8 favorites]
Except that it's pretty clear that what the girl is asking is "is there anything I can do for you that you fantasize about?" and not "tell me which of my friends you'd like to have sex with!". Being honest is not the same thing as deliberately misinterpreting what someone is asking.
I mean, sometimes I fantasize that I'll eventually be able to get a decent night's sleep without my cat freaking out and waking me at 6:00am, but that's not what I'd say if I'm in bed with a girl and she asks me if I have any fantasies. Because, true as it may be, it is not what she is asking.
posted by Justinian at 11:34 AM on June 9, 2008 [8 favorites]
nthing the majority of the advice above. There's always the possibility that your girlfriend is the type that would find it hot to hear your fantasies about her girlfriends, but it's not a very safe gamble. Like desjardins said, I would find it difficult to have those friends around him again, even if knowing he'd never act on it, just because I'd be thinking, "He's thinking about fucking her." It would make it difficult to interact normally, basically, because that thought would always be there. Don't feel bad about thinking about it, but that's (almost certainly) not what she's asking you and it's a good bet that's not what she wants you to say.
So, like others have said, you should be telling her things she can actually help do for you. That's (almost certainly) why she asks you to tell her your fantasies. If there is anything in particular you do with her friends in your fantasies, leave the "her friends" part out and focus on the acts. Or better yet, just think of things you'd like to do with her and tell her those.
It seems like you might be fixated on the "her friends" part because you feel guilty about it, so you miss the point of her question. Really, don't feel guilty.
posted by Nattie at 1:28 PM on June 9, 2008
So, like others have said, you should be telling her things she can actually help do for you. That's (almost certainly) why she asks you to tell her your fantasies. If there is anything in particular you do with her friends in your fantasies, leave the "her friends" part out and focus on the acts. Or better yet, just think of things you'd like to do with her and tell her those.
It seems like you might be fixated on the "her friends" part because you feel guilty about it, so you miss the point of her question. Really, don't feel guilty.
posted by Nattie at 1:28 PM on June 9, 2008
I agree with most of the people. LIE LIE LIE...there's one thing in life that women DO NOT appreciate and that's telling them their friend is hotter than they are. And it would be 10x worse if you told her you actually wanted to have sex with one of them.....do youself a favor and keep your mouth shut on this one and keep it a "fantasy."
posted by Plug1 at 2:59 PM on June 9, 2008
posted by Plug1 at 2:59 PM on June 9, 2008
Answering that you fantisize about her friends when she asks "What are your fantasies?" is a social gaffe along the lines of replying to "How are you?" with detailed information about the state of your digestive functioning.
"What are your fantasies?" is what your GGG girlfriend asks to indicate that she might be willing to perform other acts to make you happy, and an invitation to discuss such acts.
posted by yohko at 3:19 PM on June 11, 2008 [2 favorites]
"What are your fantasies?" is what your GGG girlfriend asks to indicate that she might be willing to perform other acts to make you happy, and an invitation to discuss such acts.
posted by yohko at 3:19 PM on June 11, 2008 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by desjardins at 7:44 AM on June 8, 2008 [2 favorites]