How do I break up with a partner who is going through a rough time?
November 22, 2013 9:14 AM Subscribe
My partner of several years and I are in a long-distance relationship, and I think I've come to the point where, due to a whole bunch of things (which probably mostly rely on a fundamental difference in what we want in terms of a romantic relationship), that I want out. At the same time, I do care about them, and since they are in a really rough spot, I don't want to abandon them.
In brief: They are in the process of a major life change, some of which is culminating in the next few weeks. They live in a really unstable environment, far away from me, which contributes heavily to the stress. They aren't working steadily, which means they don't have the money to get a place of their own. They don't have a good relationship with their family (and in fact, that is part of the unstable environment), which means they can't so easily look to their family for help. They suffer from major social anxiety, which makes them rely solely on me to help them, which tires and stresses me.
Our plan was to move back in together in January, and I no longer think I want to do that. I also don't want to abandon them to an incredibly rough situation. But I don't know when or how this will really get better.
So what do I do? I should stress that things are particularly bad right now, and probably for the next two weeks. Christmas plans are also coming up, and it seems that if I say anything now about this, it will make that time worse. But I can't just keep hedging on what we will do around that time either.
In brief: They are in the process of a major life change, some of which is culminating in the next few weeks. They live in a really unstable environment, far away from me, which contributes heavily to the stress. They aren't working steadily, which means they don't have the money to get a place of their own. They don't have a good relationship with their family (and in fact, that is part of the unstable environment), which means they can't so easily look to their family for help. They suffer from major social anxiety, which makes them rely solely on me to help them, which tires and stresses me.
Our plan was to move back in together in January, and I no longer think I want to do that. I also don't want to abandon them to an incredibly rough situation. But I don't know when or how this will really get better.
So what do I do? I should stress that things are particularly bad right now, and probably for the next two weeks. Christmas plans are also coming up, and it seems that if I say anything now about this, it will make that time worse. But I can't just keep hedging on what we will do around that time either.
Several years ago I got broken up with by a long-term boyfriend, kind of out of nowhere. It had been long distance for about a year. I was broke, unemployed, and in a pretty bad place emotionally (owing primarily to the being extremely unemployed and broke part). It was about this time of year, too, right before the holidays. My family life was complicated at the time, too.
But you know what? It was ok. I managed just fine. So will your partner.
If a relationship needs to end, the kindest thing you can do is not drag it out. Ending relationships always sucks. This will just suck for reasons specific to the two of you. The best thing you can do for your partner is to be honest and do this as soon as possible.
posted by phunniemee at 9:24 AM on November 22, 2013 [9 favorites]
But you know what? It was ok. I managed just fine. So will your partner.
If a relationship needs to end, the kindest thing you can do is not drag it out. Ending relationships always sucks. This will just suck for reasons specific to the two of you. The best thing you can do for your partner is to be honest and do this as soon as possible.
posted by phunniemee at 9:24 AM on November 22, 2013 [9 favorites]
Our plan was to move back in together in January, and I no longer think I want to do that.
It is almost December. Don't let them think they are going to be making that change in a month's time and then pull the rug out from underneath them. Break up now. The longer you wait, the worse it will be. It sucks, it is hard, they are going to be upset, but it is way more cruel to let it continue.
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 9:24 AM on November 22, 2013 [6 favorites]
It is almost December. Don't let them think they are going to be making that change in a month's time and then pull the rug out from underneath them. Break up now. The longer you wait, the worse it will be. It sucks, it is hard, they are going to be upset, but it is way more cruel to let it continue.
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 9:24 AM on November 22, 2013 [6 favorites]
If he or she is relying on moving in with you in January, I think you have to let this person know ASAP that the January shacking up won't happen so that other living arrangements can be made. There are lots of really excellent break up AskMe posts that you can always look to for advice about how to break up as kindly as possible.
It sounds like this person is in a bad way and that you're feeling guilty about breaking up now. While your guilt is pretty normal, I think, his or her situation is not your responsibility and not within your power to fix. You have to remember that.
I wish you well, anon.
posted by Maisie at 9:27 AM on November 22, 2013 [2 favorites]
It sounds like this person is in a bad way and that you're feeling guilty about breaking up now. While your guilt is pretty normal, I think, his or her situation is not your responsibility and not within your power to fix. You have to remember that.
I wish you well, anon.
posted by Maisie at 9:27 AM on November 22, 2013 [2 favorites]
It will suck to do it before the holidays, but if you do it right after the holidays, the partner will later realize that you gutted out the holidays when your heart wasn't in it, and it will hurt worse. It stinks to be dumped, but it stinks worse to realize later that the dumping was delayed. "This person doesn't want to be with me" is bad, but "This person probably didn't want to be with me that time when I was really happy and in love" is worse.
posted by Linda_Holmes at 9:29 AM on November 22, 2013 [14 favorites]
posted by Linda_Holmes at 9:29 AM on November 22, 2013 [14 favorites]
I was dumped last year, and it was a bad time for it, for lots of reasons. A year earlier would've been worse, a year later probably just as bad. That particular week, that day, might have been better than others, but, yeah, you're not doing anyone any favors by dragging it out. Mostly, I think about that last line by Linda Homes, above--was she thinking about breaking up when we went on that trip? When she gave me that gift? When she seemed so happy? Sooner is better than later. It will never be the right time.
posted by MrMoonPie at 9:46 AM on November 22, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by MrMoonPie at 9:46 AM on November 22, 2013 [2 favorites]
Years ago, a girlfriend broke up with me a few weeks after my dad died and very shortly after my mom was diagnosed with terminal cancer. We lived together and I had to move out in the midst of it all. It completely sucked, but I lived. If they are counting on living with you in five weeks, you must tell them ASAP.
posted by rtha at 9:46 AM on November 22, 2013
posted by rtha at 9:46 AM on November 22, 2013
Do it now. I've been on the receiving end of delayed breakups: they are much worse in the long run. Don't drag it out.
posted by RainyJay at 9:47 AM on November 22, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by RainyJay at 9:47 AM on November 22, 2013 [1 favorite]
This old thread is about breaking up around the holidays
My answer from that thread still holds: if you're sure break up now. Don't wait, don't let your partner hope and plan for things that won't happen. It will be difficult, but waiting won't make it better, and it'll just poison anything that happens in the meantime, for both of you.
I broke up with a partner last January, after a long struggle and a horrible couple of months trying to figure out if we could make it work, or at least find a way to cushion the impact of the blow. The delay may or may not have made things worse in the long run, but it absolutely did not help, and the few weeks of crushing, chronic stress and sleepless nights agonizing about it were terrible for both of us.
posted by Kpele at 10:04 AM on November 22, 2013
My answer from that thread still holds: if you're sure break up now. Don't wait, don't let your partner hope and plan for things that won't happen. It will be difficult, but waiting won't make it better, and it'll just poison anything that happens in the meantime, for both of you.
I broke up with a partner last January, after a long struggle and a horrible couple of months trying to figure out if we could make it work, or at least find a way to cushion the impact of the blow. The delay may or may not have made things worse in the long run, but it absolutely did not help, and the few weeks of crushing, chronic stress and sleepless nights agonizing about it were terrible for both of us.
posted by Kpele at 10:04 AM on November 22, 2013
As heartless as it feels, you are not responsible for making sure this person is ok. You are responsible for making sure you're ok. It's important to be compassionate if you can manage it though, and waiting until the very last second to tell them that you're not moving in with them is not compassionate or fair. Breakups suck and there's not much you can do to make them suck less other than just ripping the band-aid off and wishing them well.
posted by Kimberly at 10:11 AM on November 22, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by Kimberly at 10:11 AM on November 22, 2013 [1 favorite]
(nota bene: the pronoun game gives me the vapors so I flipped a coin and will be answering as if your partner is male; the answer wouldn't be different otherwise, though)
There's no good time to break up with someone. There's a least worst time. That time is now. The sooner you do it, the sooner he can start healing and get a move on.
Stop thinking of it in terms of abandoning him. You will be doing far more damage if you stay in a relationship with someone when you already know you're gone.
Keep out of contact after doing it. You will feel incredibly guilty and he will probably say things that only make it worse, but you can't be his support system. It's an unhealthy dynamic.
I've been dumped before the holidays before. It sucked, but then life went on. Life does that.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 10:26 AM on November 22, 2013
There's no good time to break up with someone. There's a least worst time. That time is now. The sooner you do it, the sooner he can start healing and get a move on.
Stop thinking of it in terms of abandoning him. You will be doing far more damage if you stay in a relationship with someone when you already know you're gone.
Keep out of contact after doing it. You will feel incredibly guilty and he will probably say things that only make it worse, but you can't be his support system. It's an unhealthy dynamic.
I've been dumped before the holidays before. It sucked, but then life went on. Life does that.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 10:26 AM on November 22, 2013
I will so suck, but once you do it, it's done. Everyone can make their plans and move on.
You don't even know that your partner isn't hoping against hope that he/she doesn't HAVE to move in with you!
All break ups are hard, even amicable ones.
At your next Skype or phone conversation simply say, "I've been thinking a lot and I think we should break up." You'll see what your partner has to say, and take it from there. Don't bother apologizing or offering reasons, it's not really helpful and at their core, people know if a relationship isn't working. Here are some phrases you can use:
I don't want to be in a relationship right now.
Our relationship has run its course.
I don't have anything to offer you anymore.
Here are phrases to avoid:
You're smothering me!
I can't deal with "teh crazy" anymore.
I don't love you anymore.
No matter how true they are, they are not helpful.
It's okay to break up with broken people. You were not put on this earth to be the caretaker of all the birds with broken wings.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 10:46 AM on November 22, 2013 [8 favorites]
You don't even know that your partner isn't hoping against hope that he/she doesn't HAVE to move in with you!
All break ups are hard, even amicable ones.
At your next Skype or phone conversation simply say, "I've been thinking a lot and I think we should break up." You'll see what your partner has to say, and take it from there. Don't bother apologizing or offering reasons, it's not really helpful and at their core, people know if a relationship isn't working. Here are some phrases you can use:
I don't want to be in a relationship right now.
Our relationship has run its course.
I don't have anything to offer you anymore.
Here are phrases to avoid:
You're smothering me!
I can't deal with "teh crazy" anymore.
I don't love you anymore.
No matter how true they are, they are not helpful.
It's okay to break up with broken people. You were not put on this earth to be the caretaker of all the birds with broken wings.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 10:46 AM on November 22, 2013 [8 favorites]
As soon as you realize you want out of a relationship you owe it to the other person to be up front with them about it. It's more disrespectful to be with someone when you don't want to be than to break up with someone when they have other stuff on their plate.
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 11:10 AM on November 22, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 11:10 AM on November 22, 2013 [2 favorites]
Think back on your life. When did you grow the most as a person? For me, I grew the most during the darkest times. I learned to be more self-reliant, to have more empathy and to love myself. Much of what I've achieved in life (a happy marriage, a good job that I mostly like, a solid group of friends) all came from skills I learned during the darkest periods of my life when I didn't have those things.
So let your partner go and do so without guilt. You're holding him or her (must we always obscure gender?) back from their true potential.
posted by bananafish at 11:27 AM on November 22, 2013 [2 favorites]
So let your partner go and do so without guilt. You're holding him or her (must we always obscure gender?) back from their true potential.
posted by bananafish at 11:27 AM on November 22, 2013 [2 favorites]
I agree that it is kindest to break up sooner rather than later, particularly if your partner is going to need to make alternate living arrangements ASAP. (Certainly do it before moving in together - so much messier after!)
Something else to think about is that considering this is a several-years-long relationship, I don't think it's out of place to offer some financial assistance with your partner's move. I assume they were planning to move to you (not totally clear from your post), but in any case moving is always stressful and expensive, and more so if you are dealing with both the emotional fallout of a breakup AND the financial fallout of no longer being able to split rent and moving costs as was anticipated. I do not think you are OBLIGATED to do this, and your partner may not accept in either case, but since this is a very long term relationship, it is something I would consider if you have the money to spare.
posted by rainbowbrite at 2:40 PM on November 22, 2013
Something else to think about is that considering this is a several-years-long relationship, I don't think it's out of place to offer some financial assistance with your partner's move. I assume they were planning to move to you (not totally clear from your post), but in any case moving is always stressful and expensive, and more so if you are dealing with both the emotional fallout of a breakup AND the financial fallout of no longer being able to split rent and moving costs as was anticipated. I do not think you are OBLIGATED to do this, and your partner may not accept in either case, but since this is a very long term relationship, it is something I would consider if you have the money to spare.
posted by rainbowbrite at 2:40 PM on November 22, 2013
You know, i've been on both sides of this. I've stuck with someone who was in a shitty place, and i've been stuck with when i was in a shitty place.
And you know what? it sucked really bad for both of us in either situation.
When i was the one staying, i really wasn't giving the relationship *or* the person what they deserved anymore. I was just kinda going through the motions, and justifying it with "it would be so much worse for them if i wasn't here" and glossing over the fact that i was getting really distant and treating it like a shitty retail job i had to clock in and out of.
No matter how much you say you won't be doing that, there's a marked difference to how you'll treat a relationship you really care about vs one you're just tolerating, or one you think that you can't morally back out of. It's kinda the difference between work and play. You'll justify with bullcrap like "well no relationship is fun all the time, only children think that anything can be 100% enjoyable, i have to take the good with the bad". But no, if you're having to *justify* it you've already lost. Lost what matters, lost what it's supposed to have. A proper relationship should get you high enough with the highs that you're mellow with the lows, or they're at least work-through-able with the light at the end of the tunnel in sight(barring ridiculous edge cases like cancer and such, obviously)
From the other side, of experiencing the other person staying through some kind of weird fucked up sense of obligation... i've been there too. Ignoring a big rant i could write about how paternalistic it feels, i noticed. And it really does a number on your self confidence and self worth. The things they'll be thinking are along the lines of "what am i doing wrong? are they not attracted to me anymore? am i not attractive? am i too annoying? am i.."
Everything will be about them in their minds, and what they did wrong, and why you're kinda pulling back and just trying to white knuckle your way through this thing you want no part of. It will just do an absolute number on their self worth, create a ton of self doubt, and just make it harder for them to dig themselves out of the post relationship rut.
This is a rot, and the more you let it fester the longer it will take to heal from. You would be doing more damage by staying when you didn't want to than just leaving. This is of course, not even getting in to any of the worthwhile points above that you don't owe some kind of debt to them to endlessly take care of them and wait to break up until it's easy. That only applies to short situations with a clear deadline a couple weeks in the future or something. There will always be something in this situation that makes you think you're Morally Obligated to wait.
And fuck that.
posted by emptythought at 4:38 PM on November 22, 2013 [5 favorites]
And you know what? it sucked really bad for both of us in either situation.
When i was the one staying, i really wasn't giving the relationship *or* the person what they deserved anymore. I was just kinda going through the motions, and justifying it with "it would be so much worse for them if i wasn't here" and glossing over the fact that i was getting really distant and treating it like a shitty retail job i had to clock in and out of.
No matter how much you say you won't be doing that, there's a marked difference to how you'll treat a relationship you really care about vs one you're just tolerating, or one you think that you can't morally back out of. It's kinda the difference between work and play. You'll justify with bullcrap like "well no relationship is fun all the time, only children think that anything can be 100% enjoyable, i have to take the good with the bad". But no, if you're having to *justify* it you've already lost. Lost what matters, lost what it's supposed to have. A proper relationship should get you high enough with the highs that you're mellow with the lows, or they're at least work-through-able with the light at the end of the tunnel in sight(barring ridiculous edge cases like cancer and such, obviously)
From the other side, of experiencing the other person staying through some kind of weird fucked up sense of obligation... i've been there too. Ignoring a big rant i could write about how paternalistic it feels, i noticed. And it really does a number on your self confidence and self worth. The things they'll be thinking are along the lines of "what am i doing wrong? are they not attracted to me anymore? am i not attractive? am i too annoying? am i.."
Everything will be about them in their minds, and what they did wrong, and why you're kinda pulling back and just trying to white knuckle your way through this thing you want no part of. It will just do an absolute number on their self worth, create a ton of self doubt, and just make it harder for them to dig themselves out of the post relationship rut.
This is a rot, and the more you let it fester the longer it will take to heal from. You would be doing more damage by staying when you didn't want to than just leaving. This is of course, not even getting in to any of the worthwhile points above that you don't owe some kind of debt to them to endlessly take care of them and wait to break up until it's easy. That only applies to short situations with a clear deadline a couple weeks in the future or something. There will always be something in this situation that makes you think you're Morally Obligated to wait.
And fuck that.
posted by emptythought at 4:38 PM on November 22, 2013 [5 favorites]
I'm going to offer my real answer here, even though it apparently differs from the entire rest of the world. If their life is absolute hell for the next two weeks but then things stabilize, and if their ability to function matters to the outcome, I would keep my distance and not break up if I could do so without lying.
If I had to fake sign a lease with them? No. If they were already in in-patient therapy? No. But if it might make a difference to their ability to get through these two weeks, and if I could just be supportive from a distance? Yes, I would wait. Then I'd pitch in money to help out with the last minute notice (e.g., half of the first-last-deposit equation) if I could at all manage it.
If I was walking a tightrope just barely able to hold it together to get to the other side, yeah, I'd want my partner to wait two weeks until after ... my Ph.D. qualifying exam or whatever. (I still remember my first boyfriend's mom reportedly saying "she broke up with him -- during finals??")
If there's nothing special about the next couple weeks, if it's just that Grandma's Thanksgiving retreat will be awful regardless of how on-their-game your partner is, then there's no real benefit in waiting, and I'd go ahead.
posted by salvia at 5:09 PM on November 22, 2013
If I had to fake sign a lease with them? No. If they were already in in-patient therapy? No. But if it might make a difference to their ability to get through these two weeks, and if I could just be supportive from a distance? Yes, I would wait. Then I'd pitch in money to help out with the last minute notice (e.g., half of the first-last-deposit equation) if I could at all manage it.
If I was walking a tightrope just barely able to hold it together to get to the other side, yeah, I'd want my partner to wait two weeks until after ... my Ph.D. qualifying exam or whatever. (I still remember my first boyfriend's mom reportedly saying "she broke up with him -- during finals??")
If there's nothing special about the next couple weeks, if it's just that Grandma's Thanksgiving retreat will be awful regardless of how on-their-game your partner is, then there's no real benefit in waiting, and I'd go ahead.
posted by salvia at 5:09 PM on November 22, 2013
The kind of events that I would advise waiting out (if it was not a significant hassle to do so) are things like exams, PhD defence, that kind of thing. Things totally unrelated to you.
Anything else, particularly when it involves making future plans which would be different if you were in the equation vs not being in the equation, no, don't wait.
posted by Ashlyth at 8:03 PM on November 22, 2013
Anything else, particularly when it involves making future plans which would be different if you were in the equation vs not being in the equation, no, don't wait.
posted by Ashlyth at 8:03 PM on November 22, 2013
I'm with salvia. My rule of thumb is that it would be a kindness--not a necessity, but a kindness--to delay the breakup if there is some sort of external, all-important deadline coming up in the near future (within, say, three weeks or so) that cannot be rescheduled and has far-reaching consequences on her life. Court dates, final exams, thesis defense, and other such things would fall into this category. You're still not obligated to delay the breakup, but if your soon-to-be-ex only gets one shot at this, it would be a kindness.
But definitely break up before the lease is signed.
posted by Zelos at 12:51 AM on November 23, 2013
But definitely break up before the lease is signed.
posted by Zelos at 12:51 AM on November 23, 2013
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by Tomorrowful at 9:20 AM on November 22, 2013 [5 favorites]