But I don't like you - must I toast to you?

November 7, 2013 5:42 PM

My stepsister is getting married this Saturday, a stepsister who has always presumed closeness to everyone in her stepfamily. I do not like her very much for reasons that are not relevant here. I am a bridesmaid in the wedding. She e-mailed all of the bridesmaids and in the same e-mail about our jewelry, mentioned that they'd be making time for speeches during the rehearsal dinner while the band is on a break (yes! There's a band at the rehearsal dinner, which is a whole other story...). She asked for us to let her know if anyone was interested in giving a toast. Should I?

Why I wouldn't:
-See title of this post re: my feelings about her
-Too much going on in my life at the moment to want to worry about what to say (because it would have to be a generic speech)
-I detest public speaking, even more so around family (weird, probably)
-I would like to practice doing things that I want to do, not what I think others expect of me

Why I would:
-It would mean a lot to her and my stepfather
-She spoke at my wedding and gave a pretty nice toast
-I might feel shitty by not doing it (after all, I'm using up my question this week stressing about it)

Thanks, mefites.

posted by juliagulia to Human Relations (37 answers total)

Don't bother. Think of something extra nice to write in a card.
posted by blnkfrnk at 5:45 PM on November 7, 2013

No, do not make a speech about someone you don't like. Attend, be kind and respectful, enjoy the free food, go home.
posted by latkes at 5:48 PM on November 7, 2013 [9 favorites]

Nope. She gave you a speech because she presumably didn't share any of your "why I wouldn'ts". A grit-my-teeth-and-say-it speech would come across a lot worse on you (and chances are good that someone would pick up on it) than no speech at all, negating your first "why I would".
posted by supercres at 5:48 PM on November 7, 2013

"Oh my goodness, a toast on Saturday? I get so nervous about public speaking, I don't think I'll be able to put together a good enough toast by then. I'll practice for the wedding reception!"
posted by mibo at 5:49 PM on November 7, 2013 [1 favorite]

If you're going to feel bad about not doing it, and it would mean a lot to her and your stepfather (which apparently matters to you because it's on the list of reasons you would like to give a toast), then I think you should do it.

It's her wedding, don't use it as an occasion to further some petty grievances by refusing to speak. Set them aside for the day. You don't have to give any fancy speech - just get up and congratulate the bride and groom and wish them a wonderful life together. It's something so easy to do and it will make people happy.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 5:50 PM on November 7, 2013 [44 favorites]

Compromise by giving a graceful, but very simple and brief toast ("You all know I'm not much for public speaking, but I just wanted to say that the love we've seen here today is so beautiful, and the two of you deserve a lifetime of happiness together. We love you, sis and new brother. Cheers.") Covers all your pro-toast points, while avoiding the downsides of requiring extensive preparation, provoking anxiety about delivery, or requiring you to sincerely voice sentiments of extravagant goodwill that you don't really feel.
posted by Bardolph at 5:50 PM on November 7, 2013 [104 favorites]

mibo has it. If she pushes, Miss Manners's "I'm afraid it won't be possible" should work.

I might normally say "oh, just give a small, brief toast" but your point that you are trying to do what you want and not what is expected of you is important. Don't do things that you just don't want to do. It's paves a slippery, dark path.
posted by k8lin at 5:52 PM on November 7, 2013

She may just be fishing around to understand who will speak at the rehearsal dinner vs who will speak at the wedding. At many weddings, only one of the bridesmaids will speak at the wedding, and additional speeches are given at the rehearsal dinner. She may just be wondering what the plan is.

I guess, though, that your question makes me a little sad. You agreed to be a bridesmaid, and I think being engaged in her wedding celebration is part if that commitment. Even if she's annoying, she's family and you made a commitment to her. You don't have to speak if it makes you uncomfortable but I hope you find ways to be engaged otherwise.
posted by samthemander at 6:15 PM on November 7, 2013 [17 favorites]

I would do it if it would mean something to her and your stepfather, and if she made a speech at your wedding. Keep it classy and short. Even if you don't like her all that much, she is your family, and it would be okay to wish her and her new partner well.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 6:19 PM on November 7, 2013

Go with Bardolph's script; it alleviates most of your cons and satisfies the pros.
posted by JenMarie at 6:20 PM on November 7, 2013

Yeah, basically you're wishing her well. You don't have to have some long speech about how much she means to you or anything.
posted by JenMarie at 6:21 PM on November 7, 2013 [2 favorites]

I don't have great reasons, but I would take the high ground and suck it up and give a brief toast. Family unity and all. Not much downside other than you don't like the gal.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 6:21 PM on November 7, 2013 [2 favorites]

I am surprised by what I consider the mean-spirited responses here. Never mind what has happened in the past, this person is family. Do you want to have a better relationship with her? Do you want at least to leave the door open to a better relationship in the future? You can mark a path towards a better relationship right now, and such a chance is not likely to come up again. And then there is this:

She spoke at my wedding and gave a pretty nice toast

I think you should step up. It will cost you absolutely nothing, there is no possible harm to yourself, and it might have a big emotional payoff at some future date.

You needn't be lengthy or eloquent, just say something. Bardolph offers a good start.

A good rule of thumb is when in doubt, take the high road.
posted by LarryC at 6:34 PM on November 7, 2013 [17 favorites]

She spoke at my wedding and gave a pretty nice toast

I would do it. Toasts can be short, impromptu, whatever. You want to do what you want instead of what's expected of you... but there's no reason this is firmly in "what's expected" territory, it would just be gracious after her gesture. And kind. Always good to be kind.

I gave a toast at my sister's wedding recently that I DID NOT WANT TO and it ended up being just fine and I was glad I did it. I'd say go for it.
posted by stoneandstar at 6:39 PM on November 7, 2013 [6 favorites]

As to your con of not wanting to do something because it is expected of you, I totally hear you, 100%. I feel like I got an extra dose of the guilt gene, and over the years it has caused me to do a great number of things I really didn't want to. You get to a point where you feel like you're just giving everything to other people's desires, and there's no YOU left.

At the same time. You DO want to do this, at least a little. Maybe that little bit of wanting to foster good feelings with her and your stepfather isn't enough to justify doing it. That's ok. But if you decide in the end to do it, don't be resentful. Making the toast means you chose to do a beautiful thing in your family.

Not making the toast means you chose to put yourself first, which I imagine may be an important and wonderful change. So I don't see a "wrong" choice here as long as you are aware of your motivations, and it seems that you are. Choose in peace. :-)
posted by chainsofreedom at 6:49 PM on November 7, 2013 [2 favorites]

I agree with those who say you should give a toast. It can be brief and fairly generic in wishing them well as a couple if your relationship with her is not that personally strong.

If you wanted to say no to something because you don't like the bride, you should have said no to being a bridesmaid. Now that you are one, though, put a happy face on it and do as good a job of it as you can.
posted by jacquilynne at 6:49 PM on November 7, 2013 [5 favorites]

Would you feel better about it if you gave an advice/general observations about life & love toast, instead of saying something about her specifically? You can end with something like "and finally, good luck to both of you". You can look for something to say about a marriage being part of the community, or something that you think (if she really heard it) could help her be more of a person you could admire, or something.

Maybe you think she could benefit from stepping back and listening to others more -- there have to be words somewhere that speak to this, tie it to a guideline for happy marriage, and wouldn't seem pointed in this context - something like "I looked for what to say that would really be helpful to you; since I'm not an expert, I looked for the words of someone more experienced. Irma Bombeck/Dr. Joy Brothers/Socrates/Oprah/Leonard Nimoy/Dr. Xavier wrote something that seemed especially appropriate today: [pithy but moving thing]. Finally, here's to good luck in all marriages, especially today to John and Emma."
posted by amtho at 6:50 PM on November 7, 2013 [1 favorite]

She asked for us to let her know if anyone was interested in giving a toast. Should I?

It's not as if she put you on the spot; she asked in a group email for anyone interested in giving a toast to step forward and let her know. You are not interested in giving a toast. So...no, you should not.

You should also not beat yourself up all week for not halfheartedly and uncomfortably doing an optional thing that no-one has actually specifically asked you, personally, to do.

If anyone asks you why or if your parents try to cajole you into dutifully doing it, just say that you're going to respectfully leave the public speaking to those who do it well. If, by chance, EVERY single other person is giving a toast and you join to avoid being conspicuous as a holdout, that'll be a lot of speeches for everyone to sit through and you're off the hook for great content. Just smile and say "everyone else said it better than I could have, so I'll simply say cheers [raise glass]...wishing you much happiness."
posted by desuetude at 7:01 PM on November 7, 2013 [6 favorites]

If it'll mean that much to your family and it seems like they're short on speakers (which has unfortunately never been the case at any wedding that I've been to), Bardolph's short-and-sweet script is perfect. No one wants to hear long rambling toasts at weddings anyway. seriously.
posted by Paper rabies at 7:03 PM on November 7, 2013

I don't know, I think this is kind of like how you shake hands with the opposing team even when you think they're wankers. You just do it, it's good sportsmanship, it doesn't hurt you, and it's good for society. You don't hug and kiss them, you just shake hands. Do the equivalent of that here.
posted by HotToddy at 7:23 PM on November 7, 2013 [8 favorites]

Most people in our wedding party did not give a toast besides the maid of honor and the best man. Don't feel obligated to make a speech.
posted by limeonaire at 7:48 PM on November 7, 2013

I recently attended a wedding with four bridesmaids and four groomsmen. All four women gave speeches, along with the fathers of the couple, the officiant (a friend of the couple), and the couple themselves, but only three groomsmen gave speeches. Absolutely nobody noticed, including myself, until much later that evening the one who didn't give a speech was sitting by himself and I went to say hi and he expressed relief about not having to talk in front of everybody. My point is, even if it's one of those weddings where it seems like everybody in the wedding party has to say something, you don't! Nobody will bat an eyelash. I suggest using your legitimate dislike of public speaking if you end up needing an excuse to give, but just don't say anything about it and I'm sure you'll be fine.
posted by Mizu at 8:08 PM on November 7, 2013 [1 favorite]

I would give a short toast if I was in your situation. I understand you don't like your step-sister personally, so feel free to avoid personal compliments. But she's found love, and she's about to start an exciting new chapter in life. That's a good thing!

You can at least let your step-sister know that you are happy for her and that you wish her well.
posted by helloimjohnnycash at 8:49 PM on November 7, 2013

It sounds like she didn't even ask you. She just wanted to know if anyone was planning a toast so she could decide how much time to allow for it.

If you think she does want you, specifically to give a toast, and that it would mean a lot to her, then maybe you do it anyway because you want to have a better relationship or you want to be kind on her wedding day.

But from what you've told us so far it sounds like you are creating pressure for yourself that others aren't putting on you. You've thought of something that 'would be nice' to do, and are wondering if you *have* to do it, but there's no evidence that anyone will miss it if it's not there. You're off the hook here.
posted by Lady Li at 9:19 PM on November 7, 2013 [2 favorites]

Get up and say something nice. This is a celebration, and while you may have the world's best grievances, it's not about you, it's about wishing someone else well.
posted by zippy at 9:30 PM on November 7, 2013 [2 favorites]

I'd recommend going ahead and doing it, and keeping it short and sweet, as advised above. Primarily to foster positive family relationships, especially since the actual cost to yourself is minimal. Also because she did it at yours - that, imo, is a heavier "debt" on your side than "having to".

And one last thought - keep in mind that marriage, children if they happen, along with life and getting older - those things change people. It's always possible that your relationship will someday be quite different, so long as you leave the door open for it.
posted by stormyteal at 10:15 PM on November 7, 2013 [1 favorite]

FWIW by agreeing to be a bridesmaid, you have already agreed to participate in the charade that you like this woman. I think we're way past drawing some kind of line in the sand about this now.
posted by DarlingBri at 10:27 PM on November 7, 2013 [13 favorites]

I agree with most of the statements, both that you are not obligated to speak and that you certainly should not if it will be difficult for you to do a good job. On the other hand, I agree with the comments who write that this is a chance to take a small positive step for your relationship and to make family happy.

Why not answer with an email that... You are not much of a public speaker and that you get pretty nervous and therefor hadn't planned a speech, but if it fits in with her planning of the evening, you would be honored to give a very short toast and then deliver Bardolph's words.
posted by jazh at 12:06 AM on November 8, 2013 [1 favorite]

I completely understand your feelings, but...

you're already a bridesmaid in her wedding. To me, this indicates that you ARE already doing something you don't want to do.

So in this case, you may as well go whole hog, fully commit to the role of "wonderfully supportive and loving stepsister (or stepdaughter)" and give a really brief, well-rehearsed, "Good luck to you both" toast.

It is the nicest thing to do, considering you're in the wedding party. Also, if the other bridesmaids give toasts and you don't, that'll be a pretty glaring omission.

As you said, if you don't you'll possibly feel shitty about it. And you're only going to get a chance to toast at this wedding once.

Just do it. You'll be fine.
posted by kinetic at 3:31 AM on November 8, 2013

I would like to practice doing things that I want to do, not what I think others expect of me

Your own wedding/event/life is a great time to practice this. Someone else's wedding is not the time.

It would mean a lot to her and my stepfather

That's why you should do it.
posted by headnsouth at 6:32 AM on November 8, 2013

Response by poster: All right, most of you have probably convinced me to do it. It does hit a sore spot, however, to hear that I should do it because I agreed to be a bridesmaid. She asked me while my infant was in NICU (after already being there a few weeks) despite everyone (mother, stepfather, brothers) urging her not to ask me. She said if I just showed up to the wedding, she would be happy. I agreed because I felt like surely she must need bridesmaids if she's asking me when I don't even know if my child will live to see this wedding! Plus yeah, she likes me, I think. So that's a sore spot.

Of course I'll go to all the events with a smile on my face. I don't make it obvious to her what my feelings are (at least, I don't think I do and I don't try to). I'm just not sure I agree I'm obligated to speak. However, I am coming around to the idea that although it's not required of me to speak, it would be a nice thing.
posted by juliagulia at 6:39 AM on November 8, 2013

Um, why didn't you tell her you didn't want to at that point then? There's no reason you need to feel put upon that she asked you, when you could have said no. It sounds like maybe she values you and that's why she asked?

No reason to be a martyr about it. But no, I don't think you should do a toast. If it was my wedding I wouldn't want someone who was going to be seething about it to do my toast. And it sounds like she may not have been asking you specifically anyway.
posted by mermily at 7:35 AM on November 8, 2013

It sounds like you feel you should make a toast. It can be short and sweet, maybe a quotation about love, and a welcome to the family for the groom. Try to keep resentment at bay, and be proud of yourself for doing her a kindness.
posted by theora55 at 7:44 AM on November 8, 2013

I don't think it's a big deal, and you ought to just suck it up, get over yourself, and do it. You don't like her as much as she likes you? Tough. This is her wedding. It's not the time to deal with that issue.

But, look, she didn't ask you specifically. You're afraid of public speaking. You can avoid this gracefully if you want. Either way, you need to dial back in your mind all the drama about this incident.
posted by J. Wilson at 7:48 AM on November 8, 2013 [3 favorites]

Just do a simple one line toast. Everybody loves those and its minimal stress for being able to say that you did it. You can probably pull something witty and generic off the interwebs. The reason I vote for doing it over not is I was in this position of not preparing a toast when I was a bridesmaid, and then every bridesmaid did a toast but me, and I felt pretty embarrassed. If I could go back I'd have just done a dumb one-liners and be done with it.
posted by hellameangirl at 6:22 PM on November 8, 2013 [1 favorite]

I'm finding this very confusing. You couldn't say no to her when she asked you to be a bridesmaid, and now she's not even asking you to make a toast and you can't refrain from saying yes.

Is she the type of person who asks when she wants something? The way you describe her asking you to be a bridesmaid indicates yes. If so, trust that she would have been explicit too about asking you to make a toast.

Do you generally think she means well? I can definitely see how someone could think, despite everyone else's rotestations, that it was kindness and inclusion to ask you to be a bridesmaid before waiting to make see what happened to your child. Seriously, it is not at all obvious to me that someone with a child in the NICU should be excluded even being asked to be in the bridal party. Maybe she saw it as an expression of faith that your child would live and be well. Maybe she saw it as an expression of love that she sees you as part of hope and joy even when you are struggling. Maybe she's superstitious and didn't want to say that of course you could back out if you needed to when the implication is, if your child doesn't make it. Maybe she's just a bit thoughtless, but family is important to her and she could be a good person to have in your child's life.

If she's generally a forthright person and you generally think she means well, then I would take her at face value and not assume she's asking you for a toast and will be put out if you don't make one. But if you do want to have a good relationship with her in the future and you think a toast will help, make a toast and remember you are doing it for YOU. Your choice, your desires, don't blame her for them. If you make the shortest toast ever, everyone will love you for it.

If you don't generally think well of her anyway and you were too thrown off by the ask to say no to being a bridesmaid, just let this thing go, seriously. She told you she just wanted you to be a bridesmaid, she asked *if* *anybody* wanted to do a toast, not you personally, and if this is the first step towards a less close relationship, own that you want that too and let it be so.

Don't be a martyr.
posted by Salamandrous at 3:14 PM on November 9, 2013

"Wow, umm... I'm so terrible at these things. *stammer* Okay, I'm really happy for you both. Congratulations. *raise glass*" Exit, stage left.
posted by phoebus at 1:53 PM on November 11, 2013 [2 favorites]