Getting married next may, what's the etiquette for inviting friends of parents.
December 4, 2009 7:13 AM Subscribe
All my recently married friends said that most of their wedding drama came from their parents asking to invite friends. My parents have begun campaigning for a few of their friends to be invited. What's the correct response?
If we tell them yes, does that mean that my fiancee's parents should also get friend invites? Or does it depend on who kicked in how much money?
We don't want to be jerks but we also don't want to be doormats about this. What's appropriate in this situation?
If we tell them yes, does that mean that my fiancee's parents should also get friend invites? Or does it depend on who kicked in how much money?
We don't want to be jerks but we also don't want to be doormats about this. What's appropriate in this situation?
Why not set a limit per parent? Like four friends for you mom & dad, four for your future in-laws.
My mother invited some of her friends to my wedding; some would have caused some real problems, so my step-dad had to stage an intervention. It was difficult, to say the least, when my mom had to uninvite her at his behest. So I'd also suggest maintaining veto rights and set the boundaries / rules early and calmly.
posted by motsque at 7:18 AM on December 4, 2009
My mother invited some of her friends to my wedding; some would have caused some real problems, so my step-dad had to stage an intervention. It was difficult, to say the least, when my mom had to uninvite her at his behest. So I'd also suggest maintaining veto rights and set the boundaries / rules early and calmly.
posted by motsque at 7:18 AM on December 4, 2009
What's the problem here? Is it money? Exclusivity? Pain-in-the-assitude? My wife's parents invited family friends, and they were the life of the party. There was no drama with parental friends on either side. Not enough information to answer this question, I think.
posted by Geckwoistmeinauto at 7:19 AM on December 4, 2009
posted by Geckwoistmeinauto at 7:19 AM on December 4, 2009
Are the parents contributing financially to the event? If so, I think they may have some grounds to invite a few people to a party for which they're paying. If you and your partner are footing the bill yourselves, I'd say it's up to you. And it does seem fair to allow both sets to invite some folks if one does.
Of course, people say that this is "your day" and stuff like that. Decide if that's how you see it. If it is, then follow your gut and have people who are important to your life there. If it's a celebration of a milestone - a party - then the invite list can be broader.
Also consider if this will bump up catering costs, etc. If it makes your attendee count jump, you may be able to negotiate with the parents on financial terms.
posted by sadiehawkinstein at 7:19 AM on December 4, 2009 [1 favorite]
Of course, people say that this is "your day" and stuff like that. Decide if that's how you see it. If it is, then follow your gut and have people who are important to your life there. If it's a celebration of a milestone - a party - then the invite list can be broader.
Also consider if this will bump up catering costs, etc. If it makes your attendee count jump, you may be able to negotiate with the parents on financial terms.
posted by sadiehawkinstein at 7:19 AM on December 4, 2009 [1 favorite]
You should certainly let your parents invite people (assuming all else in your relationship with your respective parents is good). This is a HUGE event in the life of a parent, just as it is in the life of those getting married.
I do think that you should have a sense of the size of your wedding and allot to your parents a finite number, though.
posted by OmieWise at 7:19 AM on December 4, 2009
I do think that you should have a sense of the size of your wedding and allot to your parents a finite number, though.
posted by OmieWise at 7:19 AM on December 4, 2009
Some relevant questions here are:
How many guests are on your invitation list? How many guests can the venue hold?
Who's paying for the wedding (specifically, the reception)? How many of these extra guests are there?
Reason being, if some combination of parents are paying for it, they get more say in the matter because they're the ones footing the bill for the marginal cost of extra guests. Whereas, if you're paying for the whole thing yourself, then you can say 'no' to the marginal cost of extra guests.
It's an issue fraught with politicism because you want your parents to have a good time and know people, but you don't want to go fishing for gifts from random people (my mom got an invite for the wedding of the daughter of a coworker she disliked and was offended) or have total strangers at your wedding. Could the issue be that they don't know enough of the existing guests, or maybe they went to these friends' kids' weddings? Because unless they have a lot of friends within the family, they may not even know vast swaths of your friends and thus feel excluded if they're not outgoing.
posted by bookdragoness at 7:23 AM on December 4, 2009
How many guests are on your invitation list? How many guests can the venue hold?
Who's paying for the wedding (specifically, the reception)? How many of these extra guests are there?
Reason being, if some combination of parents are paying for it, they get more say in the matter because they're the ones footing the bill for the marginal cost of extra guests. Whereas, if you're paying for the whole thing yourself, then you can say 'no' to the marginal cost of extra guests.
It's an issue fraught with politicism because you want your parents to have a good time and know people, but you don't want to go fishing for gifts from random people (my mom got an invite for the wedding of the daughter of a coworker she disliked and was offended) or have total strangers at your wedding. Could the issue be that they don't know enough of the existing guests, or maybe they went to these friends' kids' weddings? Because unless they have a lot of friends within the family, they may not even know vast swaths of your friends and thus feel excluded if they're not outgoing.
posted by bookdragoness at 7:23 AM on December 4, 2009
Start with the total number of people YOU envision at the ceremony. Check out the space and accommodations of various venues you like and think about the people who mean most to you, and let this help you decide. Once you have a rough number in mind, plug in all the people you and your fiance want to be there and see if your tally still allows for a few more folks. In that case, sure, let your parents invite a few Dear Old Friends. But keep some wiggle room for yourself as well. You might think of a few of your own old friends who you really want to invite.
But remember--and this is what everyone will say-- it's YOUR wedding. A lot of manipulation happens during prep for weddings; you'll suddenly find yourself spending more for flowers than you'd planned, inviting second cousins whose names you don't know, and even changing your name to make people happy. Be kind, be calm, be unrelentingly assertive.
posted by cymru_j at 7:23 AM on December 4, 2009
But remember--and this is what everyone will say-- it's YOUR wedding. A lot of manipulation happens during prep for weddings; you'll suddenly find yourself spending more for flowers than you'd planned, inviting second cousins whose names you don't know, and even changing your name to make people happy. Be kind, be calm, be unrelentingly assertive.
posted by cymru_j at 7:23 AM on December 4, 2009
If you and your fiancee are paying for the wedding, do it however you want- you are under no obligation to invite friends of parents. However, if your parents are paying, yes, they should be able to invite friends (a reasonable number and friends who actually know you fairly well). The polite thing to do would be to allow fiance's parents to also invite some friends with the same stipulation- a limited number and ones who know your fiance. You can stress to both sets of parents that you were really hoping for a smaller and more intimate wedding and ask that they only extend invitations to their very closest friends. Just a heads up, though- it will probably serve you well in the future to be generous here. My sister bristled when her future M.I.L. insisted on inviting several friends to the wedding. However, a couple of years later my sister told me that she was so glad that she agreed- it got their relationship off to a good start, and there was also a cultural component to it that she didn't really become aware of until later- M.I.L. is Jewish and in her social circle, friends of parents are always inlcuded in weddings, and it would have been extremely hurtful to tell her no.
posted by emd3737 at 7:25 AM on December 4, 2009
posted by emd3737 at 7:25 AM on December 4, 2009
As other have said, you left out critical information. Who's paying? How does the capacity of the venue(s) compare to the number of people you might want to invite?
posted by Perplexity at 7:27 AM on December 4, 2009
posted by Perplexity at 7:27 AM on December 4, 2009
Give your parents a number of friends they can invite, say as many as will be seated with them at their table. Calculate the cost-per-guest. Ask that they pay the cost-per-guest for any additional friends.
posted by fings at 7:28 AM on December 4, 2009
posted by fings at 7:28 AM on December 4, 2009
Response by poster: Sorry if I wasn't specific enough in the first post. I was trying to get a general consensus instead of an answer that only applies to my case.
There's no other drama or weirdness from the parents. I have no problem with the people they wanted to invite. I would be opposed if it was someone I hadn't met before.
My parents are contributing to the cost of the wedding. Her father is too, but her mother isn't. It doesn't help that they're separated.
We were aiming for 60 people. If we were aiming for a hundred, we'd have a few more spare invites. 60 is tight though.
Forgot to mention, we already invited a lot more of my family than hers. She got parents, their new spouses, and her grandparents. I invited parents, grandparent, 4 aunt/uncle pairs, and 6 cousins with unknown quantities of children. While we don't expect all of them to show up, the invites are pretty unbalanced. It doesn't seem fair to let my parents dominate even more.
For what it's worth, what we were planning on doing is seeing how RSVPs go and letting parents do a second round of invites if theres room (which really depends on if all my relatives decide to make a family reuinion out of it).
posted by valadil at 7:30 AM on December 4, 2009
There's no other drama or weirdness from the parents. I have no problem with the people they wanted to invite. I would be opposed if it was someone I hadn't met before.
My parents are contributing to the cost of the wedding. Her father is too, but her mother isn't. It doesn't help that they're separated.
We were aiming for 60 people. If we were aiming for a hundred, we'd have a few more spare invites. 60 is tight though.
Forgot to mention, we already invited a lot more of my family than hers. She got parents, their new spouses, and her grandparents. I invited parents, grandparent, 4 aunt/uncle pairs, and 6 cousins with unknown quantities of children. While we don't expect all of them to show up, the invites are pretty unbalanced. It doesn't seem fair to let my parents dominate even more.
For what it's worth, what we were planning on doing is seeing how RSVPs go and letting parents do a second round of invites if theres room (which really depends on if all my relatives decide to make a family reuinion out of it).
posted by valadil at 7:30 AM on December 4, 2009
This all depends how you view your wedding. It can be small and intimate and just about the bride and groom, or it can be a larger event which also (and secondarily) celebrates your marriage as a momentous event in the lives of your families. For most parents, the marriage of their child is a big deal. Your wedding represents a milestone in the lives of your parents, so it's understandable that they'd like to have some of their friends there, too. The size of the guest list is, of course, a budget issue, and setting appropriate limits at the outset is critical. Good luck on minimizing the drama!
posted by MelissaSimon at 7:38 AM on December 4, 2009
posted by MelissaSimon at 7:38 AM on December 4, 2009
Your parents' friends will give the best gifts. They are bonafide grown-ups with jobs and money. They will buy off the registry. The majority of my wedding guests were my parents' friends and family members I had never met. All of my best friends were there too, so I didn't mind.
The guest list was not a major source of drama in my case.
On preview: I had MANY more guests than you will.
posted by AtomicBee at 7:40 AM on December 4, 2009 [1 favorite]
The guest list was not a major source of drama in my case.
On preview: I had MANY more guests than you will.
posted by AtomicBee at 7:40 AM on December 4, 2009 [1 favorite]
Has your fiancee's mom or dad asked to have friends or relatives invited?
At my wedding, my husband had more family and friends in attendance (he has more cousins and more married friends, my family is small and most of my friends are single), but my parents only had a few people they wanted to invite (and got to invite them) so there was no drama. Don't make this about "fairness" in the abstract--if her family is cool with you inviting people you want to invite who happen to be your parents friends, then invite them. If you'll be inviting the friends of your parents instead of friends/relatives your fiancee and her family would like to invite, then wait for the RSVPS.
posted by Meg_Murry at 7:41 AM on December 4, 2009
At my wedding, my husband had more family and friends in attendance (he has more cousins and more married friends, my family is small and most of my friends are single), but my parents only had a few people they wanted to invite (and got to invite them) so there was no drama. Don't make this about "fairness" in the abstract--if her family is cool with you inviting people you want to invite who happen to be your parents friends, then invite them. If you'll be inviting the friends of your parents instead of friends/relatives your fiancee and her family would like to invite, then wait for the RSVPS.
posted by Meg_Murry at 7:41 AM on December 4, 2009
Knowing that you're looking at 60 people helps a lot.
When you're looking at who said they would come, keep in mind that only around 70-80% invited guests will actually come, and that some people who say they will won't actually show up.
I was on the short end of the family invitation list at my wedding. And honestly, it didn't bother me at all. I like her family, they like me, it wasn't really any different then when I went and stayed with them anyway except that my shoes weren't as comfortable.
Talk to your future wife and see how she feels about it.
Also, see if there's anyway you can sneak these "extra" people in as workers. Our bartenders were friends of her families. Actually, family friends did just about everything so I have no idea how many extra people we had that were officially there helping.
From your second post I get the idea that this is really a space question and you being concerned about dominating the guest list. If you later find out that your parents friends just won't fit then you've got some very logical reasons why they can't come.
Finally, I'm throwing out some unsolicited advice. Make sure that you have 1 or 2 people plus the caterer who will be in charge of getting you some food. Everyone else gets the first crack at that while you're getting pictures made. And you don't want to be standing around for hours like that without something to eat.
Good luck with the wedding.
posted by theichibun at 7:41 AM on December 4, 2009 [1 favorite]
When you're looking at who said they would come, keep in mind that only around 70-80% invited guests will actually come, and that some people who say they will won't actually show up.
I was on the short end of the family invitation list at my wedding. And honestly, it didn't bother me at all. I like her family, they like me, it wasn't really any different then when I went and stayed with them anyway except that my shoes weren't as comfortable.
Talk to your future wife and see how she feels about it.
Also, see if there's anyway you can sneak these "extra" people in as workers. Our bartenders were friends of her families. Actually, family friends did just about everything so I have no idea how many extra people we had that were officially there helping.
From your second post I get the idea that this is really a space question and you being concerned about dominating the guest list. If you later find out that your parents friends just won't fit then you've got some very logical reasons why they can't come.
Finally, I'm throwing out some unsolicited advice. Make sure that you have 1 or 2 people plus the caterer who will be in charge of getting you some food. Everyone else gets the first crack at that while you're getting pictures made. And you don't want to be standing around for hours like that without something to eat.
Good luck with the wedding.
posted by theichibun at 7:41 AM on December 4, 2009 [1 favorite]
Not sure if this is any help, but we couldn't have had our wedding without my mother-in-law's amazing friends. They made loads of treats, helped ensure the catering was going smoothly, took loads of pictures (and even video!) for us, and generally pampered me. I had only met most of them once or twice, but they are wonderful people and I couldn't have been happier that they came to the wedding. (We also were planning on a 60-70 person wedding, but ended up adding a bit more food to the buffet and ordering a few more drinks so we could have more like 100).
posted by brambory at 7:45 AM on December 4, 2009
posted by brambory at 7:45 AM on December 4, 2009
There are some philosophical differences here: some folks are of the opinion that this is OUR WEDDING and WHAT WE SAY GOES! That's a valid view, but I don't really buy into that. If the wedding was just for my wife and I, we would have gone ahead and just got married at the courthouse.
We had a wedding because we wanted to celebrate with all our family and friends. The goal of the wedding was for our guests to feel comfortable, enjoy themselves, and have a good time. It was not "Time For Mr. And Mrs Geck To Force His Opinions About Everything On Everyone And They Better Like It Because It's Our Goddam Wedding". Where am I going with this? You've got in your mind a 60 person wedding. Maybe it's doable, but perhaps that's unrealistic. It's very very easy to fall into the trap of becoming too self-absorbed. Why did you choose the number 60? Why not 100? Why not 40? Can you invite everyone that you want, and also make the parents happy? All important questions to ask.
posted by Geckwoistmeinauto at 7:49 AM on December 4, 2009 [1 favorite]
We had a wedding because we wanted to celebrate with all our family and friends. The goal of the wedding was for our guests to feel comfortable, enjoy themselves, and have a good time. It was not "Time For Mr. And Mrs Geck To Force His Opinions About Everything On Everyone And They Better Like It Because It's Our Goddam Wedding". Where am I going with this? You've got in your mind a 60 person wedding. Maybe it's doable, but perhaps that's unrealistic. It's very very easy to fall into the trap of becoming too self-absorbed. Why did you choose the number 60? Why not 100? Why not 40? Can you invite everyone that you want, and also make the parents happy? All important questions to ask.
posted by Geckwoistmeinauto at 7:49 AM on December 4, 2009 [1 favorite]
I think you have a really good set of reasons to take to your parents to explain why, right now at least, you can't give them the extra invites. This is probably a conversation to have between just you and them, so that you can be the attentive/loving fiance and say that you don't want your bride and her family to be even more heavily outnumbered. Keep in mind, of course, that even those good reasons may still result in an emotional confrontation. Personal anecdote time: I (a man) recently had a very hypothetical conversation with my parents about a theoretical wedding between me and my longtime girlfriend where we'd have a small/limited guestlist, and it somehow ended in arguing and emotional blackmail. This is a surprisingly (to me, at least) sensitive issue, and we were arguing over people whose last names I don't even know. I sure hope things go well when you talk to them, but I'd advise you to go in emotionally steeled and sure of what you and your partner want as a result.
posted by dnesan at 7:59 AM on December 4, 2009
posted by dnesan at 7:59 AM on December 4, 2009
In my experience, there's is a lot less drama about the invitation list with a 60-person wedding than with a 200-person wedding. In our case, we were aiming at 80 guests, invited a little under 100, and got around 75. I didn't want any strangers at my wedding, but since it was basically a huge two-sided family reunion that wasn't much of a problem. My in-laws invited one set of their close "family friends" (that my spouse new pretty well), and my parents didn't invite anybody.
Here was our technique: List all the family members that "have" to get invites. List all the couple's friends that "have" to get invites. Send out feelers to find out how many our planning on attending (we did this by sending out Save The Dates and then having our parents email to find out tentative plans). Add "like to attends" to the lists as you find out that Aunt Irma isn't going to make it. Send out final invitations. Receive some surprising responses (family just down the street aren't coming! family living on an entirely different continent are!)
My family was very much on the short end of the invitation list, and that was fine. We're just not as close as my spouse's family is. Fairness isn't about splitting everything 50-50 - it's about making sure everyone's at least satisfied.
posted by muddgirl at 8:05 AM on December 4, 2009
Here was our technique: List all the family members that "have" to get invites. List all the couple's friends that "have" to get invites. Send out feelers to find out how many our planning on attending (we did this by sending out Save The Dates and then having our parents email to find out tentative plans). Add "like to attends" to the lists as you find out that Aunt Irma isn't going to make it. Send out final invitations. Receive some surprising responses (family just down the street aren't coming! family living on an entirely different continent are!)
My family was very much on the short end of the invitation list, and that was fine. We're just not as close as my spouse's family is. Fairness isn't about splitting everything 50-50 - it's about making sure everyone's at least satisfied.
posted by muddgirl at 8:05 AM on December 4, 2009
For what it's worth, I've always heard that awedding guest list is divided into 3 groups:
1/3rd of the guests are the bride's family and friends
1/3rd of the guests are the groom's family and friends
1/3rd of the guests are the hosting parents's friends
Of course, this assumes one pair of parents is paying for the whole wedding. These days when you put together a wedding guest list, the general rule of thumb is that you don't invite the bride and groom don't know, haven't talked to in years, or otherwise aren't involved in the lives of the bride and groom.
That said, some suggestions:
"We're not comfortable inviting people we barely know/have never met. Having strangers feel obligated to get us gifts strikes us as rude."
Or...
"Let's see how the RSVPs come in before inviting your friends. I'd rather make sure that guests all of us care about get first priority. If we get enough regrets we can see if your friends would like to attend."
Or ...
"We're already concerned about the budget, so it's important to limit this to the nearest-and-dearest. "
Or ...
Parents: "Well, if we come up with other people to invite, we'll just pay extra for the caterer"
"Okay, fine, but you must tell us BEFORE we finalize the reception hall. Most of these places can only hold a max of X people and if you hit us with last-second guests your friends will wind up eating their meal in the parking lot".
Or...
"What with budget/venue constraints, let's cap this as inviting only a certain number of people we don't know. Mom, Dad, you get to invite three couples max of people we don't know."
Or, the old Miss Manners stand-by:
"I'm sorry, but it's not possible." When asked why, reply "Because it's just not possible."
Or...
"The longer this guest list gets, the more I wonder why we don't just elope to Vegas."
And finally:
Who Should You Invite To Your Wedding?
posted by magstheaxe at 8:08 AM on December 4, 2009
1/3rd of the guests are the bride's family and friends
1/3rd of the guests are the groom's family and friends
1/3rd of the guests are the hosting parents's friends
Of course, this assumes one pair of parents is paying for the whole wedding. These days when you put together a wedding guest list, the general rule of thumb is that you don't invite the bride and groom don't know, haven't talked to in years, or otherwise aren't involved in the lives of the bride and groom.
That said, some suggestions:
"We're not comfortable inviting people we barely know/have never met. Having strangers feel obligated to get us gifts strikes us as rude."
Or...
"Let's see how the RSVPs come in before inviting your friends. I'd rather make sure that guests all of us care about get first priority. If we get enough regrets we can see if your friends would like to attend."
Or ...
"We're already concerned about the budget, so it's important to limit this to the nearest-and-dearest. "
Or ...
Parents: "Well, if we come up with other people to invite, we'll just pay extra for the caterer"
"Okay, fine, but you must tell us BEFORE we finalize the reception hall. Most of these places can only hold a max of X people and if you hit us with last-second guests your friends will wind up eating their meal in the parking lot".
Or...
"What with budget/venue constraints, let's cap this as inviting only a certain number of people we don't know. Mom, Dad, you get to invite three couples max of people we don't know."
Or, the old Miss Manners stand-by:
"I'm sorry, but it's not possible." When asked why, reply "Because it's just not possible."
Or...
"The longer this guest list gets, the more I wonder why we don't just elope to Vegas."
And finally:
Who Should You Invite To Your Wedding?
posted by magstheaxe at 8:08 AM on December 4, 2009
One thing that is helpful to remember is that your parents' friends have probably watched you grow up, and feel closer to you than you to them. I always thought it was weird as a kid how my parents' coworkers and friends acted like they knew me really well. I realize as an adult that parents basically talk about their kids all the freakin time - so while your mom probably didn't give you a dinner-table play-by-play of office stories, you can bet that her friends heard every little detail about your childhood.
posted by radioamy at 8:14 AM on December 4, 2009 [18 favorites]
posted by radioamy at 8:14 AM on December 4, 2009 [18 favorites]
My parents are contributing to the cost of the wedding. Her father is too, but her mother isn't. It doesn't help that they're separated.
The experience of everyone I know is, "he who pays the piper, calls the tune."
posted by availablelight at 8:18 AM on December 4, 2009
The experience of everyone I know is, "he who pays the piper, calls the tune."
posted by availablelight at 8:18 AM on December 4, 2009
Tell them that everyone of their friends you invite is another friend of yours that you can't. It's your wedding, and it's for you, even if they are paying.
posted by spaltavian at 8:20 AM on December 4, 2009
posted by spaltavian at 8:20 AM on December 4, 2009
Unless it is a particular burden on you, why not just go with it? Weddings have a kind of social networking function as well. Your parents' friends will want to impress your parents by giving you nice gifts or money. They are friends of people who raised you, so it is possible they had some indirect effect on your upbringing--for instance, by being supportive to your parents or giving them some opportunity that benefited your family (bosses and important clients often fit into this category). Also, they might be people who could become your friends, or sources of opportunity or support for your own family. That they would take the time to attend, if they accept, is a nice gesture. You have to admit that there are people on your guest list you don't like that much and whom you invite because you feel obligated; give those people someone else to hang out with at the reception.
posted by troybob at 8:25 AM on December 4, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by troybob at 8:25 AM on December 4, 2009 [1 favorite]
Does the venue have room for them? My parents and my fiancee's really appreciated inviting some friends. It's their day to, especially if they are helping you out.
posted by ejaned8 at 8:25 AM on December 4, 2009
posted by ejaned8 at 8:25 AM on December 4, 2009
What's appropriate in this situation?
It's your wedding, you're in the driver's seat and nobody has to be pleased but you. Do as you want to make you and your spouse happy and everyone else will just have to decide for themselves about whether to happy with your decision.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 8:28 AM on December 4, 2009 [1 favorite]
It's your wedding, you're in the driver's seat and nobody has to be pleased but you. Do as you want to make you and your spouse happy and everyone else will just have to decide for themselves about whether to happy with your decision.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 8:28 AM on December 4, 2009 [1 favorite]
Out of only 60 people? No way. We had a hard-and-fast 100 limit, so my cousins' kids weren't even invited (the supposed "classy"est of my cousins RSVP'd that they'd bring their daughter, despite her not being on the invite, and I had to have my aunt intervene), and we had to have a rule - family out to first cousins and their spouses, no kids. We broke it in only one circumstance - first cousins, once removed, whose parents (my great-aunt and uncle) had just died.
A few of my parents' friends, who weren't invited, gave us gifts anyway.
posted by notsnot at 8:33 AM on December 4, 2009
A few of my parents' friends, who weren't invited, gave us gifts anyway.
posted by notsnot at 8:33 AM on December 4, 2009
Best answer: Radioamy has it.
If parents want to invite their friends, it's because these friends have been hearing about you daily for the last 20+ years, and moreover, during that time they provided the emotional support your parents needed to not just snap and throw you to the wolves when you were being an impossible infant/toddler/child/preteen/adolescent/young adult, which you were most of the time, probably. You owe them more than you'll ever know.
However, if my parents or prospective inlaws were to try "we're paying, so we can invite whoever we want" I'd tell them to fuck right off and head down to City Hall that day. Luckily for me none of them have money, or all that many friends...
posted by a young man in spats at 8:44 AM on December 4, 2009 [9 favorites]
If parents want to invite their friends, it's because these friends have been hearing about you daily for the last 20+ years, and moreover, during that time they provided the emotional support your parents needed to not just snap and throw you to the wolves when you were being an impossible infant/toddler/child/preteen/adolescent/young adult, which you were most of the time, probably. You owe them more than you'll ever know.
However, if my parents or prospective inlaws were to try "we're paying, so we can invite whoever we want" I'd tell them to fuck right off and head down to City Hall that day. Luckily for me none of them have money, or all that many friends...
posted by a young man in spats at 8:44 AM on December 4, 2009 [9 favorites]
When you're looking at who said they would come, keep in mind that only around 70-80% invited guests will actually come, and that some people who say they will won't actually show up.
I wouldn't necessarily listen to this. Our wedding was intended to be a strict 50-person affair. We ended up inviting just a tiny smidge over than that--fifty four, I think? Five didn't come. Things are different when you're talking about a small, intimate gathering--we found that a surprising number of people, who we didn't anticipate would do so, ended up traveling long distances to celebrate with us (in a yard!). I think this was in part due to the fact that we knew almost every guest very well, and they knew they were part of a very limited guestlist. People like being part of an exclusive group.
I can only speak anecdotally about my own recent (October) wedding. It was hosted in my mother's backyard, and because we had planned on footing the bill ourselves, and because our back-up plan for rain was "we'll go inside," we limited ourselves to fifty people--twenty-five each. I felt very strongly, too, that I didn't want anyone at the wedding who we didn't both know--I wanted it to be an intimate and personal experience. Most guests weren't even allowed to bring guests--only established or married couples. We had to patiently explain this to a few people, but they were mostly understanding.
Both of our mothers attempted to raise a stink about this. They tried their hardest to whine and wheedle and cajole and guilt-trip us about the guestlist. They were successful in two cases: both managed to invite two people we hadn't originally intended on inviting. However, at that point, we'd gotten our small number of "No" RSVPs, so we let them.
(We still hear a bit of guilt tripping from his step-grandparents about our limited guestlist, because we had to sadly exclude his step-mother's extended family. We're still apologetic to them about that: inviting all of them would have meant another twenty people in attendance, and we just couldn't fit them. Ironically, the relatives in question seem fine about the whole thing--it's just the grandparents who bring it up when we see them. What can you do?)
But, like I said, we were planning on paying for the wedding ourselves. This gave us a lot of leeway--on everything. We had Turkish food. We wore brown and had a friend marry us. There wasn't any dancing at the ceremony (though there were hulahoops and board games). None of this would have happened if our families had had their druthers, and had they footed the bill up front, we would have had to let them dictate pretty much everything. But it still ended up being one of the best days of our lives--and our parents had a blast, too.
They also ended up giving us the gift of a check to cover the food and alcohol after the wedding. This was incredibly gracious of them, and we accepted it gladly--but we were fully prepared to pay up front. I really wouldn't have wanted to set-up the wedding in any other way, for the reasons listed above. Insisting that we were paying for it until after the fact gave us a lot of leverage, though I can see how it would be viewed as a bit manipulative, too.
As for people saying that you're probably not including enough of their friends for your parents to be happy, I can't think of one person at our wedding who wasn't coming in knowing at least one other person. Try to craft your guestlist with that in mind. His mother didn't end up with her extended family there, but she played boardgames the whole time with her niece; my mother spent the whole time hula hooping with my sister; his father hung out with his wife and son. And all of them mingled a bit. No one needs a coterie of friends at the wedding to get along okay--except, maybe, the bride and groom.
Anyway, best of luck to you.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 8:58 AM on December 4, 2009
I wouldn't necessarily listen to this. Our wedding was intended to be a strict 50-person affair. We ended up inviting just a tiny smidge over than that--fifty four, I think? Five didn't come. Things are different when you're talking about a small, intimate gathering--we found that a surprising number of people, who we didn't anticipate would do so, ended up traveling long distances to celebrate with us (in a yard!). I think this was in part due to the fact that we knew almost every guest very well, and they knew they were part of a very limited guestlist. People like being part of an exclusive group.
I can only speak anecdotally about my own recent (October) wedding. It was hosted in my mother's backyard, and because we had planned on footing the bill ourselves, and because our back-up plan for rain was "we'll go inside," we limited ourselves to fifty people--twenty-five each. I felt very strongly, too, that I didn't want anyone at the wedding who we didn't both know--I wanted it to be an intimate and personal experience. Most guests weren't even allowed to bring guests--only established or married couples. We had to patiently explain this to a few people, but they were mostly understanding.
Both of our mothers attempted to raise a stink about this. They tried their hardest to whine and wheedle and cajole and guilt-trip us about the guestlist. They were successful in two cases: both managed to invite two people we hadn't originally intended on inviting. However, at that point, we'd gotten our small number of "No" RSVPs, so we let them.
(We still hear a bit of guilt tripping from his step-grandparents about our limited guestlist, because we had to sadly exclude his step-mother's extended family. We're still apologetic to them about that: inviting all of them would have meant another twenty people in attendance, and we just couldn't fit them. Ironically, the relatives in question seem fine about the whole thing--it's just the grandparents who bring it up when we see them. What can you do?)
But, like I said, we were planning on paying for the wedding ourselves. This gave us a lot of leeway--on everything. We had Turkish food. We wore brown and had a friend marry us. There wasn't any dancing at the ceremony (though there were hulahoops and board games). None of this would have happened if our families had had their druthers, and had they footed the bill up front, we would have had to let them dictate pretty much everything. But it still ended up being one of the best days of our lives--and our parents had a blast, too.
They also ended up giving us the gift of a check to cover the food and alcohol after the wedding. This was incredibly gracious of them, and we accepted it gladly--but we were fully prepared to pay up front. I really wouldn't have wanted to set-up the wedding in any other way, for the reasons listed above. Insisting that we were paying for it until after the fact gave us a lot of leverage, though I can see how it would be viewed as a bit manipulative, too.
As for people saying that you're probably not including enough of their friends for your parents to be happy, I can't think of one person at our wedding who wasn't coming in knowing at least one other person. Try to craft your guestlist with that in mind. His mother didn't end up with her extended family there, but she played boardgames the whole time with her niece; my mother spent the whole time hula hooping with my sister; his father hung out with his wife and son. And all of them mingled a bit. No one needs a coterie of friends at the wedding to get along okay--except, maybe, the bride and groom.
Anyway, best of luck to you.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 8:58 AM on December 4, 2009
In short:
If you're paying, NO.
If they're paying, YES.
I think that you need a PPG number - price per guest. If it costs $20 to feed the person, $20 for the drinks, and $X for whatever else - ask folks to pony up. Heck, go beyond 60 (but set a limit of 100 or something??)
___
Part of this is what RadioAmy says but also it is a social/professional obligation thing. Did the folks go to THEIR kids' weddings? (At least with my folks, it is a tit-for-tat thing too - how much did they spend on the gift, etc.)
I'd talk to the folks about why they want to invite Mrs. and Mr. So-and-so. If they have a compelling reason (in your opinion) about having been invited to So-and-so Jr.'s wedding last year.
They are also bound to hook you up with gifts.
posted by k8t at 9:02 AM on December 4, 2009
If you're paying, NO.
If they're paying, YES.
I think that you need a PPG number - price per guest. If it costs $20 to feed the person, $20 for the drinks, and $X for whatever else - ask folks to pony up. Heck, go beyond 60 (but set a limit of 100 or something??)
___
Part of this is what RadioAmy says but also it is a social/professional obligation thing. Did the folks go to THEIR kids' weddings? (At least with my folks, it is a tit-for-tat thing too - how much did they spend on the gift, etc.)
I'd talk to the folks about why they want to invite Mrs. and Mr. So-and-so. If they have a compelling reason (in your opinion) about having been invited to So-and-so Jr.'s wedding last year.
They are also bound to hook you up with gifts.
posted by k8t at 9:02 AM on December 4, 2009
It's your wedding, you're in the driver's seat and nobody has to be pleased but you. Do as you want to make you and your spouse happy and everyone else will just have to decide for themselves about whether to happy with your decision.
Oh, and, yeah, this. You'll be much happier with the event if you plan your wedding with this attitude, and establish that as your attitude early. My husband was better at that than I am--Jewish Mama guilt just works on me better than it does him--but really being firm was the only way we were able to get our way at all.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 9:05 AM on December 4, 2009
Oh, and, yeah, this. You'll be much happier with the event if you plan your wedding with this attitude, and establish that as your attitude early. My husband was better at that than I am--Jewish Mama guilt just works on me better than it does him--but really being firm was the only way we were able to get our way at all.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 9:05 AM on December 4, 2009
They are also bound to hook you up with gifts.
Oh, and you'll get gifts from plenty of people who don't go to the wedding. Promise. Inviting people in the hopes of getting a gift is sort of an ugly motivation, anyway.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 9:07 AM on December 4, 2009
Oh, and you'll get gifts from plenty of people who don't go to the wedding. Promise. Inviting people in the hopes of getting a gift is sort of an ugly motivation, anyway.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 9:07 AM on December 4, 2009
A bit lost here: if gifts are an 'ugly motivation', why make the effort to assure the poster that they'll get plenty of gifts anyway; seems like the motivation is just as ugly if you decide not to invite someone because you've got the gift thing covered.
posted by troybob at 9:24 AM on December 4, 2009
posted by troybob at 9:24 AM on December 4, 2009
A bit lost here: if gifts are an 'ugly motivation', why make the effort to assure the poster that they'll get plenty of gifts anyway; seems like the motivation is just as ugly if you decide not to invite someone because you've got the gift thing covered.
Because it's human to hope for gifts?
We were pretty surprised by how many relatives came out of the woodwork and sent checks. Some actual guests couldn't afford to get us a gift, and that was fine. Miss Manners is right when she says that you shouldn't expect or anticipate a gift in exchange for an invitation, just be pleasantly surprised when they come--from anyone. Chances are, you'll be pleasantly surprised no matter what you do, because most people are giving and generous. But crafting your guest list with gifts in mind is just going to make the process less fun and make it harder to see what's really important to you: including people who you genuinely want to be part of your celebration.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 9:33 AM on December 4, 2009
Because it's human to hope for gifts?
We were pretty surprised by how many relatives came out of the woodwork and sent checks. Some actual guests couldn't afford to get us a gift, and that was fine. Miss Manners is right when she says that you shouldn't expect or anticipate a gift in exchange for an invitation, just be pleasantly surprised when they come--from anyone. Chances are, you'll be pleasantly surprised no matter what you do, because most people are giving and generous. But crafting your guest list with gifts in mind is just going to make the process less fun and make it harder to see what's really important to you: including people who you genuinely want to be part of your celebration.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 9:33 AM on December 4, 2009
But crafting your guest list with gifts in mind...
I think it was just a lighthearted way of looking at having guests that your parents want to invite; the it-takes-a-village-to-raise-a-child(-even-if-you-don't-personally-know-the-entire-village) argument is more applicable.
Though experience has taught me that 'renewing our vows' is indeed a codeword for 'we need new appliances.'
posted by troybob at 9:44 AM on December 4, 2009
I think it was just a lighthearted way of looking at having guests that your parents want to invite; the it-takes-a-village-to-raise-a-child(-even-if-you-don't-personally-know-the-entire-village) argument is more applicable.
Though experience has taught me that 'renewing our vows' is indeed a codeword for 'we need new appliances.'
posted by troybob at 9:44 AM on December 4, 2009
Give them a fixed number of "slots" to use for inviting their friends. The number of slots should be based on how much they're contributing to the wedding and how many people you can afford to have (ie if you're paying for everything, have 30 friends/relatives and can only afford 34, then they get 4 slots, but if they're paying for everything, you've already invited everyone you wanted, and they're willing to pay more to fit their friends in, they get as many slots as they want.)
The key thing here, assuming anyone tries to negotiate the number of slots with you, is that (no matter who pays for it) it's your wedding, and as such you should be allowed to invite whomever you choose until everyone you want is present -- and any friends-of-friends and friends-of-relatives that you don't know need to be accounted for (financially and otherwise) after that point.
Finally: if all your friends and such are covered, but the paying parents and the non-paying parents (assuming that's your situation) are fighting over how many additional folks the non-paying parents can bring, your only involvement should be to say "work it out between yourselves, we don't want to hear about it, because this wedding is about us, not you."
posted by davejay at 10:03 AM on December 4, 2009
The key thing here, assuming anyone tries to negotiate the number of slots with you, is that (no matter who pays for it) it's your wedding, and as such you should be allowed to invite whomever you choose until everyone you want is present -- and any friends-of-friends and friends-of-relatives that you don't know need to be accounted for (financially and otherwise) after that point.
Finally: if all your friends and such are covered, but the paying parents and the non-paying parents (assuming that's your situation) are fighting over how many additional folks the non-paying parents can bring, your only involvement should be to say "work it out between yourselves, we don't want to hear about it, because this wedding is about us, not you."
posted by davejay at 10:03 AM on December 4, 2009
On your follow-up point that your parents have more relatives coming and you don't want your side to dominate: the other side of the coin is that it seems a little unfair to your parents that they don't get to invite any friends because they happen to have a larger family.
I think it's pretty standard for parents' friends to make up some small portion of the guest list, as long as the guest list is something beyond immediate family.
posted by palliser at 11:01 AM on December 4, 2009
I think it's pretty standard for parents' friends to make up some small portion of the guest list, as long as the guest list is something beyond immediate family.
posted by palliser at 11:01 AM on December 4, 2009
People have this misconception that your wedding is about you. My view on it is, your wedding is an event you contribute to the community that brings people together. It's not about you, it's about everyone else. Think of it that way and it's much easier to deal. Let your parents invite who they want.
posted by jcruelty at 11:27 AM on December 4, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by jcruelty at 11:27 AM on December 4, 2009 [1 favorite]
The best thing about my wedding was seeing all of my guests having fun. The moment that I realised that my wedding was not about my husband and me but about our parents/family (even though we paid for everything) I think that I really got it. The wedding is for family, the marriage is for us! My joy looking back on that day is seeing both sides of the family mix, dance and have fun. My ENTIRE family was there and it was still less than half of my husband's family but it did not seem out of balance.
The only rule that we enforced for guest invites was that both my husband and I had to have met the person. (I did veto one crazy woman who was always mean to me).
Summary, let your parents have the people that they love there and if the two sides are not balanced don't worry to much about it.
posted by saradarlin at 12:59 PM on December 4, 2009
The only rule that we enforced for guest invites was that both my husband and I had to have met the person. (I did veto one crazy woman who was always mean to me).
Summary, let your parents have the people that they love there and if the two sides are not balanced don't worry to much about it.
posted by saradarlin at 12:59 PM on December 4, 2009
if you or your spouse-to-be do not know these friends, why on earth would they be at your wedding?
the only people who should be at your wedding are people who YOU WANT THERE.
i am so sick of the political bullshit that surrounds everything these days including marriages and births. christ. have some fucking fun and stop worrying!
posted by misanthropicsarah at 1:56 PM on December 4, 2009 [2 favorites]
the only people who should be at your wedding are people who YOU WANT THERE.
i am so sick of the political bullshit that surrounds everything these days including marriages and births. christ. have some fucking fun and stop worrying!
posted by misanthropicsarah at 1:56 PM on December 4, 2009 [2 favorites]
My wife's parents paid for the wedding. The four of us decided how many people we wanted at the wedding. We each put together as list, as did her parents, and my parents. We trimmed the list together.
Yeah, its our wedding. They paid for it- it's their party.
And for the record, our wedding was totally rad.
posted by phritosan at 9:54 AM on December 7, 2009
Yeah, its our wedding. They paid for it- it's their party.
And for the record, our wedding was totally rad.
posted by phritosan at 9:54 AM on December 7, 2009
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Of course it depends on the size of the wedding . . .
But I think I'd give the parents let's say 5-10 (or however many) invites to invite whomever they wanted.
posted by Sassyfras at 7:18 AM on December 4, 2009