How to handle loved one going on tour?
September 7, 2013 6:30 PM Subscribe
My fiancé is going on tour in support of a major pop act. This means consecutive three-month absences for the next year (maybe two) as she performs. This is her calling and her art and I support it 100%. Still, I dread her long absence and I am going to miss her as fiercely as I love her. I'm looking for ways to maintain our strength, equality, and communication, and to stave off problems that must arise. Particularly advice, anecdotes, and specific things that helped your (similar) relationship - or hurt it.
Best answer: We read books to each other over the telephone. Telephone/Skype time every evening...
(On occasion of a two-year's postdoc. Not ideal, but it works.)
posted by Namlit at 6:59 PM on September 7, 2013 [1 favorite]
(On occasion of a two-year's postdoc. Not ideal, but it works.)
posted by Namlit at 6:59 PM on September 7, 2013 [1 favorite]
Best answer: send photos of each other with short texts several times a week, to let each other know that you are thinking of each other even if you only have a few moments. It's also a way for her to share about her experiences on your and yours at home.
posted by anitanita at 7:11 PM on September 7, 2013
posted by anitanita at 7:11 PM on September 7, 2013
Maybe... Back off some?
Touring includes lots of travel and crazy hours. It's a marathon, an endurance test - it's not a sprint.
I can't imagine she'll be able to contact you during the same time every day, etc..
You could probably do cool things like have flowers or other treats delivered and waiting if you know hotels she might be staying at, but I think you should count on the amount of contact you have being scaled waaaaaaay back for the next three months. The one good way to stave off problems is to severely curb your expectations, such that you don't create problems.
Three months isn't that long in the scheme of things. Relax.
posted by jbenben at 7:30 PM on September 7, 2013 [10 favorites]
Touring includes lots of travel and crazy hours. It's a marathon, an endurance test - it's not a sprint.
I can't imagine she'll be able to contact you during the same time every day, etc..
You could probably do cool things like have flowers or other treats delivered and waiting if you know hotels she might be staying at, but I think you should count on the amount of contact you have being scaled waaaaaaay back for the next three months. The one good way to stave off problems is to severely curb your expectations, such that you don't create problems.
Three months isn't that long in the scheme of things. Relax.
posted by jbenben at 7:30 PM on September 7, 2013 [10 favorites]
Best answer: Agreed with the trying to talk every day/evening. My partner and I almost always touch base, even if it is just a 5 minute conversation to say goodnight. I think the daily contact is important, and it's a nice thing to look forward to.
posted by HighTechUnderpants at 7:40 PM on September 7, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by HighTechUnderpants at 7:40 PM on September 7, 2013 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Three months isn't that long in the scheme of things. Relax.
It's going to be many consecutive three-month periods over the course of at least one year and possibly two. So I don't think admonishing the OP to "relax" is quite fair.
I've had long-distance relationships, though not on a touring schedule. The jarring thing (for me) was how the center of my emotional life felt like it was located elsewhere, separate from the day-to-day narrative of my social/personal life. So I found that the things that helped me stay connected were daily rituals of sharing fairly mundane things -- messages about seeing something interesting walking down the street, or about what I was making for dinner, or what the moon looked like from where I was, three time zones away. I wonder if making that part of the daily cycle for the two of you might help, especially as given the particular demands on her time it's probably not like you'll always have a regular evening time slot where you can check in and have the "let's catch up on each other's day" conversation.
Also, maybe make a regular plan of something fun/distracting to do for yourself to help get through the time -- a weekly group dinner with friends, perhaps?
posted by scody at 7:58 PM on September 7, 2013 [9 favorites]
It's going to be many consecutive three-month periods over the course of at least one year and possibly two. So I don't think admonishing the OP to "relax" is quite fair.
I've had long-distance relationships, though not on a touring schedule. The jarring thing (for me) was how the center of my emotional life felt like it was located elsewhere, separate from the day-to-day narrative of my social/personal life. So I found that the things that helped me stay connected were daily rituals of sharing fairly mundane things -- messages about seeing something interesting walking down the street, or about what I was making for dinner, or what the moon looked like from where I was, three time zones away. I wonder if making that part of the daily cycle for the two of you might help, especially as given the particular demands on her time it's probably not like you'll always have a regular evening time slot where you can check in and have the "let's catch up on each other's day" conversation.
Also, maybe make a regular plan of something fun/distracting to do for yourself to help get through the time -- a weekly group dinner with friends, perhaps?
posted by scody at 7:58 PM on September 7, 2013 [9 favorites]
Best answer: My husband and I often experience prolonged separation for work, from the time we were dating until now. During our most recent three month separation, what helped the most was having smart phones with a chat feature. We couldn't always have a standing Skype date, but we could check in with each other throughout the day and night, chatting about our days, sending pictures of things we were doing or eating, etc. Even a few minutes here and there helped us feel very connected
It made our conversations more casual and normal, rather than yearning or intense, which can get exhausting.
Things I learned the hard way: Don't let this time apart define your life--you will regret the time you spent pining, and it won't be good for either of you.
Scody says it beautifully: the center of your emotional life is somewhere else. You have to be on your guard against neglecting your here--and-now needs in between conversations and visits with your partner. Make sure you are still living your life fully in her absence. Go out with friends, travel if you can. Don't just bury yourself in work as a distraction--have fun and enjoy life. It will make the time go by faster and more easily, and as a bonus, allow you to grow and have stories to tell when she comes back or when you guys talk.
Good luck!
posted by sundaydriver at 8:33 PM on September 7, 2013 [2 favorites]
It made our conversations more casual and normal, rather than yearning or intense, which can get exhausting.
Things I learned the hard way: Don't let this time apart define your life--you will regret the time you spent pining, and it won't be good for either of you.
Scody says it beautifully: the center of your emotional life is somewhere else. You have to be on your guard against neglecting your here--and-now needs in between conversations and visits with your partner. Make sure you are still living your life fully in her absence. Go out with friends, travel if you can. Don't just bury yourself in work as a distraction--have fun and enjoy life. It will make the time go by faster and more easily, and as a bonus, allow you to grow and have stories to tell when she comes back or when you guys talk.
Good luck!
posted by sundaydriver at 8:33 PM on September 7, 2013 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Not sure if this is your sort of thing but there are all sorts of games that couples can play online together. There are several nice threads on the subject: 1, 2, 3, 4. Obviously it won't replace actual intimacy but it might give you the feeling of hanging out in way that you otherwise couldn't.
posted by vecchio at 9:16 PM on September 7, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by vecchio at 9:16 PM on September 7, 2013 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Does the on-tour periods include any times when they aren't in transit every day, perhaps times when they are playing consecutive nights in the same city, or just taking a short rest, or perhaps waiting for equipment to catch up? If so, and you can mange it, consider meeting her. My impression of touring is that for performers there can be a lot of down time, especially once the tour has been underway for a while and the kinks are worked out, so you could spend a good chunk of time together.
posted by Good Brain at 9:19 PM on September 7, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by Good Brain at 9:19 PM on September 7, 2013 [1 favorite]
The jarring thing (for me) was how the center of my emotional life felt like it was located elsewhere, separate from the day-to-day narrative of my social/personal life.
EXACTLY!
Hence, my suggestion to relax expectations.
Touring and performing is a fundamentally effed up and adrenaline fueled lifestyle.
So, while the OP is out there living normal life, fiancé is hanging on by the seat of her pants to something resembling "a schedule," which in the world of entertainment, means "schedule" is a fluid list of What Must Be Done.
If the OP is to marry this person, then their lives are at the mercy of a greater concern, The Tour, and that's that.
The only way to weather this is be super flexible and not make requirements. That's the entertainment biz, and why I no longer work in that field.
The end.
posted by jbenben at 10:34 PM on September 7, 2013 [1 favorite]
EXACTLY!
Hence, my suggestion to relax expectations.
Touring and performing is a fundamentally effed up and adrenaline fueled lifestyle.
So, while the OP is out there living normal life, fiancé is hanging on by the seat of her pants to something resembling "a schedule," which in the world of entertainment, means "schedule" is a fluid list of What Must Be Done.
If the OP is to marry this person, then their lives are at the mercy of a greater concern, The Tour, and that's that.
The only way to weather this is be super flexible and not make requirements. That's the entertainment biz, and why I no longer work in that field.
The end.
posted by jbenben at 10:34 PM on September 7, 2013 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I am a girl who tours. I am on tour now. My boyfriend (soon to be fiancé), who is the love of my life, is wonderful with me on tour. My job sucks for him in a huge way. And I am intentionally weaning myself away from the road to be with him. I do theater tours, which are a bit different, so some of my details may be negotiable. Here are my pointers:
-She'll be under a lot of pressure to go out after the show with other crew members for drinks. If she doesn't go she's sort of less respected by the crew which makes her situation hard. Stupid but true. Understand if she feels the need to hang out with people on tour rather than talk to you after shows sometimes. Talking during the day is way easier, especially if there are different time zones involved.
-She's going to be surrounded by people A LOT. If she's on a tour bus, it's basically impossible for her to talk to you while on it. There are always people interrupting. If she's in the theater, the other tour people will basically assume she's working and bug her about everything. Unless it's a day off, assume she's busy. Travel days also suck because she's stuck in an airport with 50 other people who all want her attention.
-She may want this job, but it's a MAJOR lifestyle adjustment and she may totally hate it at first. It does get easier as you understand it, but it can be really stressful and she's going to have to adapt to a lot (sleeping in a different bed every few days, dealing with local union rules, sometimes something as simple as getting good wifi or going to a pharmacy is insanely hard). She'll possibly also get sick a lot because she's exposed to new germs every few days.
-It sucks for her if you turn needy. If she loves you she will do all she can to deal with her current crazy lifestyle and be a good girlfriend to you. It's going to hurt her to no end if you tell her it's not enough. Try to bolster yourself and get some hobbies ASAP! My boyfriend started taking dance lessons and volunteering at a cat shelter, and is remarkably better for it! He loves it and it gives us something to talk about besides how much we miss each other. We also started a workout routine together (one of the beachbody programs) - that didn't work out so well. Planning vacations and trips is also a fun thing to do.
-Go visit her as much as you can afford. Seeing each other is priceless. And it's great to be able to come home to a hotel room to or with your loved one.
-My boyfriend and I will watch tv shows together. We text constantly (it's better than calling - remember she's surrounded by people).
-If you send presents, I recommend things that are disposable or that she can share with others (bubble bath, cookies, etc.). She's living out of a few suitcases, if you send a huge stuffed monkey, then she's stuck carrying a huge stuffed monkey for the rest of tour.
-When she's really busy she won't miss you as much as you miss her. Load-in days can be the worst stress level-wise, and the last thing after you've dealt with 50 people for 12 hours in one day is have an intense conversation - at least for me. Also - crew people aren't afraid to yell at her. Because she's new, she may get yelled at a lot. I'm not sure what you do for work, but when a show is getting built, people you work with can just scream their heads off if you make a mistake or just get in their way. It's a lot of people under a lot of stress around potentially dangerous equipment. It causes someone to develop a really thick skin, but on my first tour my mind was blown at all of the yelling grumpiness which would not fly in most other work situations.
I could go on an on, but you're being awesome for standing by her for this. If you just support her 100%, and approach it with the mindset of keeping her strong and feeling loved that's HUGE!!! Tour sounds like fun but it is in fact so freaking hard sometimes, and the better you are at being there for her, the more she'll appreciate it and you. On the other hand, take care of yourself. If you can't deal with her being gone don't stay. The honest truth is these tours are kind of addicting and if you do one, you'll likely do a few more afterwards. I've been on the road for about 8 years and only now am I ready to transition into a stable life (and it's really hard because I'm used to having only a cellphone bill and a credit card bill to worry about).
If you need any other pointers, please me-mail me! Good luck!
posted by ashtabula to opelika at 10:39 PM on September 7, 2013 [23 favorites]
-She'll be under a lot of pressure to go out after the show with other crew members for drinks. If she doesn't go she's sort of less respected by the crew which makes her situation hard. Stupid but true. Understand if she feels the need to hang out with people on tour rather than talk to you after shows sometimes. Talking during the day is way easier, especially if there are different time zones involved.
-She's going to be surrounded by people A LOT. If she's on a tour bus, it's basically impossible for her to talk to you while on it. There are always people interrupting. If she's in the theater, the other tour people will basically assume she's working and bug her about everything. Unless it's a day off, assume she's busy. Travel days also suck because she's stuck in an airport with 50 other people who all want her attention.
-She may want this job, but it's a MAJOR lifestyle adjustment and she may totally hate it at first. It does get easier as you understand it, but it can be really stressful and she's going to have to adapt to a lot (sleeping in a different bed every few days, dealing with local union rules, sometimes something as simple as getting good wifi or going to a pharmacy is insanely hard). She'll possibly also get sick a lot because she's exposed to new germs every few days.
-It sucks for her if you turn needy. If she loves you she will do all she can to deal with her current crazy lifestyle and be a good girlfriend to you. It's going to hurt her to no end if you tell her it's not enough. Try to bolster yourself and get some hobbies ASAP! My boyfriend started taking dance lessons and volunteering at a cat shelter, and is remarkably better for it! He loves it and it gives us something to talk about besides how much we miss each other. We also started a workout routine together (one of the beachbody programs) - that didn't work out so well. Planning vacations and trips is also a fun thing to do.
-Go visit her as much as you can afford. Seeing each other is priceless. And it's great to be able to come home to a hotel room to or with your loved one.
-My boyfriend and I will watch tv shows together. We text constantly (it's better than calling - remember she's surrounded by people).
-If you send presents, I recommend things that are disposable or that she can share with others (bubble bath, cookies, etc.). She's living out of a few suitcases, if you send a huge stuffed monkey, then she's stuck carrying a huge stuffed monkey for the rest of tour.
-When she's really busy she won't miss you as much as you miss her. Load-in days can be the worst stress level-wise, and the last thing after you've dealt with 50 people for 12 hours in one day is have an intense conversation - at least for me. Also - crew people aren't afraid to yell at her. Because she's new, she may get yelled at a lot. I'm not sure what you do for work, but when a show is getting built, people you work with can just scream their heads off if you make a mistake or just get in their way. It's a lot of people under a lot of stress around potentially dangerous equipment. It causes someone to develop a really thick skin, but on my first tour my mind was blown at all of the yelling grumpiness which would not fly in most other work situations.
I could go on an on, but you're being awesome for standing by her for this. If you just support her 100%, and approach it with the mindset of keeping her strong and feeling loved that's HUGE!!! Tour sounds like fun but it is in fact so freaking hard sometimes, and the better you are at being there for her, the more she'll appreciate it and you. On the other hand, take care of yourself. If you can't deal with her being gone don't stay. The honest truth is these tours are kind of addicting and if you do one, you'll likely do a few more afterwards. I've been on the road for about 8 years and only now am I ready to transition into a stable life (and it's really hard because I'm used to having only a cellphone bill and a credit card bill to worry about).
If you need any other pointers, please me-mail me! Good luck!
posted by ashtabula to opelika at 10:39 PM on September 7, 2013 [23 favorites]
Best answer: I just Skyped my boyfriend, who is currently on tour, to ask him about this! Some things that work for us when he's away:
- Setting a level of communication that is feasible and that you're both comfortable with. I know I can't expect a strict schedule of contact, but I know we'll text throughout the day and that he'll generally call each night, that we'll trade a couple links every day and long emails a couple times a week. The days vary in timing but there isn't that much fluctuation in volume, which is comforting when everything depends on the other person's availability.
- Definitely devote time to yourself (new hobbies, friends, etc.) but also give some time to developing your home or life together. I love working on projects around the house and either sharing my progress with my boyfriend so he has something to look forward to or keeping it as a surprise for when he comes home. It helps me feel like I'm investing in our future together rather than being held in stasis by the current distance.
- I like to send care packages with cookies and practical things (you can do it care of the venue) but my boyfriend says it's also fun for him to send postcards and packages back. I also make little lists and maps of places he can visit if he has some downtime in a particular city.
- On a three-month stint, there will definitely be stretches of days off when you/she can visit. You might also be able to travel with her for a few days. I prefer to drive my own car when we do that, but sometimes significant others will ride with the band for a few days.
- I was going to say that sharing daily activities is nice, but my boyfriend brought up that having an overarching narrative is important, too. It's important to feel like you're still learning and growing with your partner, and having some continuity to your conversations helps with that. We tend to trade articles and long emails, but you could also read the same book or watch the same TV show or whatever. Just find something to share - anything to avoid falling into the rut of only having "daily update" phone calls. Sometimes there just isn't that much to report, you know? My boyfriend's bandmate said he felt he grew apart from his girlfriend while on tour, and I think it's partially because they didn't really have an ongoing conversation even though they spoke every day. Without the experience of daily life together, it's nice to be able to create a sense of shared history while you're apart by being able to refer to previous discussions and conversational threads.
It's really tough, but over time you'll both settle into a routine, and you'll find that you're still sharing thoughts and feelings on as deep a level as you were before. I know you dread it now, but it won't be as bad in the future because you'll have a better sense of what emotional patterns to expect and how to mitigate them. (For example, the first week is exciting and busy for my boyfriend, but tough for me. Things settle down for the next few weeks, but five or six weeks apart seems to be about our limit, so we'll schedule a visit at that point.) Once you know how you'll react, you'll be able to adjust and plan for future tours.
Best of luck!
posted by ohkay at 12:33 AM on September 8, 2013 [4 favorites]
- Setting a level of communication that is feasible and that you're both comfortable with. I know I can't expect a strict schedule of contact, but I know we'll text throughout the day and that he'll generally call each night, that we'll trade a couple links every day and long emails a couple times a week. The days vary in timing but there isn't that much fluctuation in volume, which is comforting when everything depends on the other person's availability.
- Definitely devote time to yourself (new hobbies, friends, etc.) but also give some time to developing your home or life together. I love working on projects around the house and either sharing my progress with my boyfriend so he has something to look forward to or keeping it as a surprise for when he comes home. It helps me feel like I'm investing in our future together rather than being held in stasis by the current distance.
- I like to send care packages with cookies and practical things (you can do it care of the venue) but my boyfriend says it's also fun for him to send postcards and packages back. I also make little lists and maps of places he can visit if he has some downtime in a particular city.
- On a three-month stint, there will definitely be stretches of days off when you/she can visit. You might also be able to travel with her for a few days. I prefer to drive my own car when we do that, but sometimes significant others will ride with the band for a few days.
- I was going to say that sharing daily activities is nice, but my boyfriend brought up that having an overarching narrative is important, too. It's important to feel like you're still learning and growing with your partner, and having some continuity to your conversations helps with that. We tend to trade articles and long emails, but you could also read the same book or watch the same TV show or whatever. Just find something to share - anything to avoid falling into the rut of only having "daily update" phone calls. Sometimes there just isn't that much to report, you know? My boyfriend's bandmate said he felt he grew apart from his girlfriend while on tour, and I think it's partially because they didn't really have an ongoing conversation even though they spoke every day. Without the experience of daily life together, it's nice to be able to create a sense of shared history while you're apart by being able to refer to previous discussions and conversational threads.
It's really tough, but over time you'll both settle into a routine, and you'll find that you're still sharing thoughts and feelings on as deep a level as you were before. I know you dread it now, but it won't be as bad in the future because you'll have a better sense of what emotional patterns to expect and how to mitigate them. (For example, the first week is exciting and busy for my boyfriend, but tough for me. Things settle down for the next few weeks, but five or six weeks apart seems to be about our limit, so we'll schedule a visit at that point.) Once you know how you'll react, you'll be able to adjust and plan for future tours.
Best of luck!
posted by ohkay at 12:33 AM on September 8, 2013 [4 favorites]
Best answer: My wife was in theater and did some touring, and I was on submarines. The biggest thing is not being too needy and not making the touring partner feel like a bad partner/person. It works best if you have your own long-term projects and goals so you have something to talk about yourself.
What's worst is the phone calls that go "What did you do today?" / "Oh, same old thing." I like to keep a couple of "story starters" in mind that prompt me to remember the little things when I'm all tired and just tempted to say "Oh, nothing." Every day I try to watch out for "funniest thing I saw all day" "Quote of the day" "Something that reminded me of you," each of which turns into a story when you have to explain the context, what some of the jargon means, etc.
You really need to have your own life, though so that the calls are the highlights of your day. It's really a lot of pressure to think that if you can't make a call for whatever reason or are just too tired to talk much, the other person will call the cops in your town to see if you're ok or automatically think you want to dump them.
posted by ctmf at 9:15 AM on September 8, 2013 [2 favorites]
What's worst is the phone calls that go "What did you do today?" / "Oh, same old thing." I like to keep a couple of "story starters" in mind that prompt me to remember the little things when I'm all tired and just tempted to say "Oh, nothing." Every day I try to watch out for "funniest thing I saw all day" "Quote of the day" "Something that reminded me of you," each of which turns into a story when you have to explain the context, what some of the jargon means, etc.
You really need to have your own life, though so that the calls are the highlights of your day. It's really a lot of pressure to think that if you can't make a call for whatever reason or are just too tired to talk much, the other person will call the cops in your town to see if you're ok or automatically think you want to dump them.
posted by ctmf at 9:15 AM on September 8, 2013 [2 favorites]
Best answer: I work 10 days on / 10 days off in a remote location. My boyfriend works 3 weeks on / 3 weeks off in another remote location. We are constantly saying goodbye and going 3/4/5 weeks without seeing one another. When we do see one another, it's never for more than 10 days at a time. We video chat over coffee several times a week, we IM a lot when we both have access to a computer (a few hours a day), but what really makes things work is Avocado on our smartphones. It's a service between two people specifically for keeping them in touch. You can quickly share pictures, quick notes, and pass kisses/hugs (admittedly, somewhat cheesy). It has a nifty feature that alerts the other person if a battery is dying, so you don't think they vanished off the face of the earth. You can also share ToDo lists, Calendars, etc. It certainly makes our relationship a lot easier and makes the distance feel not so huge.
posted by conradjones at 10:34 AM on September 8, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by conradjones at 10:34 AM on September 8, 2013 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Me again - my boyfriend read this and thought I nailed it (yay!), but I wanted to add one thing. She will be surrounded by guys. DON'T BE JEALOUS! The majority are either gay or not the kind to bring home to your parents: think roadie stereotype. I hang out with a lot of guys on tour, but they're more like brothers than suitors.
posted by ashtabula to opelika at 10:19 PM on September 8, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by ashtabula to opelika at 10:19 PM on September 8, 2013 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Nailed it indeed. These are incredible answers, just the kind of advice I was hoping for. You've given me a lot to consider, and a lot to work with. Thank you.
posted by fake at 6:20 AM on September 9, 2013
posted by fake at 6:20 AM on September 9, 2013
This thread is closed to new comments.
Every time he goes away I start a hobby or continue one I have.
I started with parks and recreation classes maybe things like meetup.com for you interests?
Ex. Painting, tennis, bicycling, join a hiking club.
Do something that you may really enjoy, she wants you to be happy.
All the best to you
posted by ibakecake at 6:42 PM on September 7, 2013 [7 favorites]