I am not in love with the woman I am about to marry.
July 14, 2008 5:24 PM Subscribe
I am afraid I am marrying the wrong woman, but I hope that our it will still work. Am I making a mistake?
posted by fairlysober to human relations (78 answers total) 11 users marked this as a favorite
My story is about guilt and regret. My fiancee and I met a long time ago, and I think that I have never truly truly been in love with her. When we first started going out in college, I never felt like she was the one. She was nice and sweet, but it always felt to me like there was something missing. But when I first tried to break up with her, she simply would not let me go, and because I ended up going into a deep depression I ran out of energy to resist her.
This pattern repeated itself a couple more times over several years. We left college, we got older, but I still always felt like she was holding me back somehow, but when I would leave, the depression would come and she would save me from myself by taking me back. I might not be alive today if it weren't for her.
We will be married soon, and yet again when I look at her I wonder where that spark of true love is. I do feel a lot of affection for her, but I am always thinking that I might have done better and fear that the only reason I proposed was out of a sense of obligation. Sometimes I get angry at her, because I feel trapped. Other times I want nothing more than to be with her. Now I have my depression under control and life is starting to look good for me, I wonder whether I should leave, because she does not deserve someone who doesn't really love her.
I often dream about a woman I loved while my fiancee and I are separated. Even now years later, the fire I feel for her is strong. She is long gone, of course, and probably would not have had me anyway, but I long to have that kind of passion be part of my life again.
I don't know how to make things better. Sometimes things are fine, others I feel like my head is about to explode from everything I want to say and feel but can't. After so many years together our life has become comfortable and safe, but now that I feel so much more confident and happy than I used to, I feel the need to get out of the house and make up for lost time. Whenever I tell her this, she gets frightened, thinks I am on the way to breaking up with her again, and refuses to change. She is shy and timid and likes the things she likes, but doesn't like to try new things or meet new people. Eventually I stop asking until my boredom and longing overwhelm me again.
I don't know what to do. I know this isn't just cold feet, because I have felt this way too many times before. The wedding is close, and I could never call it off. Am I making a mistake? Is there any chance for me to be happy?