How to prepare for a divorce that might or might not be coming
September 3, 2013 9:53 AM   Subscribe

My husband is talking about getting a divorce. It is unclear to me whether he is serious or whether he is having a midlife crisis of some sort. Without knowing whether we will or won’t get divorced, what should I do?

We’ve been married for less than five years and have no children.

About a month ago, my husband told me that he was not sure that being married was making him happy. We have had a rough year together, dealing with job loss, lots of time apart, and a high level of career stress. I am just finishing a master’s program (that he has supported both emotionally and financially), and he made certain career choices to be with me that went unexpectedly badly. We just moved to a city where he has a job, but has had to make some career compromises for, because we think that my prospects there are good. He feels that he has had to give up a lot of freedom to be with me, and he’s not sure that it has been or will be worth it.

After that conversation, he seemed to feel better, I felt worse, but we had a busy and enjoyable month together, moving into our new apartment.

I think we have a great marriage. Yes, we have some rough patches, but we communicate well, work together as a team, and have a good time hanging out. I expected that some years would be tough and that over the course of a lifetime, the good will outweigh the bad. I still believe that. I love him. I love being married to him. He’s a wonderful person who makes me happy. But he clearly had a different perspective.

We talked about it again this weekend, and he says that he’s still not sure that he wants to be married to me. He’s afraid that he’s going to have to continue to compromise his own happiness without sufficient reward – he tends to see relationships in a quid pro quo type of way. We had a long conversation and otherwise a nice weekend. Now I don’t know what to do.

I think that there is about a 25% chance that he will ask me for a divorce by the end of the year. I’m not sure what to do with that uncertainty, either practically or emotionally.

Practically: Right now, I’m unemployed, so it’s important that I find a job. We have a large amount of savings that we have always held jointly.We just moved into an apartment that I probably won’t be able to afford on my own, so I assume that I’ll be the one moving out. Can I/ should I do anything now?

Emotionally: I feel like I’m in limbo. My ideal outcome is that he thinks about it, realizes that we have a good thing going on, and tells me that he’s in it for the long haul. But then how do I believe him? And how do I prepare for the opposite?

Other common questions/ answers
No, I won’t DTMFA.
Neither of us is in therapy, though we each have been in individual therapy in the past. We also went to pre-marriage counseling together but quickly stopped because it felt like it was actively undermining our relationship.
I have a strong support network and financial resources, so while I do have practical questions, I know I would be okay in that sense.
There is no adultery, addiction, or abuse in our history. I know you can never be 100% sure of your partner’s behavior, but I am 90% sure that there is no other women.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (35 answers total) 11 users marked this as a favorite
Get a lawyer. And a therpaist.

Oh, and open up a bank account that he doesn't have access to. Protect your assets.
posted by Asparagus at 9:54 AM on September 3, 2013 [22 favorites]

He is preparing you. Get prepared.
posted by thinkpiece at 9:56 AM on September 3, 2013 [30 favorites]

You say that he has to compromise on his own happiness a lot with little reward to make it worthwhile. Do you know exactly what kind of "reward" would make the marriage feel worthwhile to him? What exactly does he want that he's not getting? Is there anything you can do to more actively help him achieve those things to make the sacrifices more palatable?
posted by joan_holloway at 9:59 AM on September 3, 2013 [6 favorites]

This is going to happen, whether it is due to a midlife crisis or his conviction that he isn't getting what he needs, or the astral alignment. And I am really sorry.

I'd suggest you try to do this amicably with an agreement that really does divide your assets fairly and gives you some support while you seek a job and a place of your own. If that doesn't seem like it is a feasible approach for you two, I'd strongly advise that you retain a good family law lawyer who understands your financial circumstances, and follow that lawyer's advice.
posted by bearwife at 10:00 AM on September 3, 2013 [2 favorites]

Ok, so, you feel like you're in limbo because you ARE in limbo. He can't seriously expect you to go on with your life like nothing is wrong after dropping this bombshell on you.

I would recommend that you ask him to go with you to couples' counselling to hash this all out. Yes, even though you said this:

Neither of us is in therapy, though we each have been in individual therapy in the past. We also went to pre-marriage counseling together but quickly stopped because it felt like it was actively undermining our relationship.
posted by showbiz_liz at 10:01 AM on September 3, 2013 [11 favorites]

We also went to pre-marriage counseling together but quickly stopped because it felt like it was actively undermining our relationship.

This is a bit confusing. Did you have a bad counsellor that was mucking around in things, or a good one that was uncovering the problems you are currently finding to be insurmountable?

I'd say you both need to go back and talk this out. If airing everything meant your relationship couldn't go forward, ignoring those problems wasn't going to make them go away.
posted by Dynex at 10:02 AM on September 3, 2013 [53 favorites]

Others here are covering the practical aspects of protecting yourself, but here is one thing that jumped out of your post like a glaring volcanic-red flag:

We also went to pre-marriage counseling together but quickly stopped because it felt like it was actively undermining our relationship.

So...working on your relationship with counseling exposed cracks in its foundation which, instead of continuing to address, you (both) ran away from.

Hindsight lesson: if an honest reckoning of your relationship, even a brief one, is sufficient to begin destroying it, the relationship is actually probably not a good one. It might be a fun one, it might be a sweet one, but it is not strong or healthy, and running away from that hard truth just postpones the inevitable until you find yourselves where you (both) are now.
posted by like_a_friend at 10:03 AM on September 3, 2013 [23 favorites]

Or on preview, what Dynex said.
posted by like_a_friend at 10:03 AM on September 3, 2013

It may or may not happen nothing is deterministic right now but!

1 - couples counseling
2 - find a lawyer for preliminary advise. Ditch any lawyer who tries to push you towards divorce or seems overly aggressive.

Both these things have something in common rights? You need to find people that work well with you, which may well not be the first (or second) therapist or lawyer you talk to.
posted by edgeways at 10:03 AM on September 3, 2013

I know you can never be 100% sure of your partner’s behavior, but I am 90% sure that there is no other women.

Don't have unprotected sex.
posted by Asparagus at 10:07 AM on September 3, 2013 [12 favorites]

He is being pretty unkind to you, putting you in a perpetual state where you never know where you stand in your relationship. Part of me wants you to tell him to just make up his mind already. Either decide to end the relationship, or commit to working on it and making it better. This half way is getting you both absolutely nowhere. Nothing is being done to try to address his issues, so it is never going to get better. What is he waiting for? Seriously. Either the relationship is something he wants to salvage (and therefore work towards repairing it) or it isn't (and therefore get the divorce proceedings going). The decision isn't going to make itself by doing nothing.

Couples counselling would probably do a lot to help him make the decision. It will either help to repair your relationship and get you guys back on a healthy happy relationship track, or it will result in the realization that divorce is the route you're going to go. This may scare you because he may decide that he wants a divorce, but I have to believe finally KNOWING and being able to start to work through it is better than the relationship purgatory you've been in.
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 10:07 AM on September 3, 2013 [13 favorites]

1. Get your own bank account, even if it is mostly empty, and start keeping close track of your finances -- what you spend vs. what he spends -- by saving receipts, printing bank statements, whatever.
2. Start meeting with lawyers. Try and find one who you feel comfortable working with.
3. Ask him point blank, "So you wanted me to know that our marriage might not last. What do you want me to do with that information?" Does he want you to help him find ways he can feel better about your relationship? Are there compromises you (singular and plural) can make? Does he want to make the marriage work? Or does he just want you to be ready for a decision he is making on his own down the road? If so, I'd ask him when he thinks he will be ready to make a decision, as it is not fair to either of you to stay in this Limbo situation.
posted by Rock Steady at 10:25 AM on September 3, 2013 [7 favorites]

Asparagus: Don't have unprotected sex.

Even if there aren't other women, I would be extra careful about risking a pregnancy at this point. You may want to discuss this with him: "So we are still having sex even though you think we might be getting divorced. What do you think we should do in the remote but possible chance I get knocked up?"
posted by Rock Steady at 10:26 AM on September 3, 2013 [5 favorites]

What Dynex said times 100. Counseling was telling you that your relationship was not on a firm foundation.

Get a job.

Separate the bank accounts now.

Get into counseling ASAP not to save your marriage, but to negotiate the least acrimonious break up possible.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 10:30 AM on September 3, 2013 [4 favorites]

I'm a bit confused about your assessment "I think we have a great marriage. Yes, we have some rough patches, but we communicate well, work together as a team, and have a good time hanging out." It's like his thoughts of divorce (not spoken in anger but considered) are some kind of anomaly which might go away or might not. "I feel like I’m in limbo." You are, if it's all up to him. I don't understand the point of being married to someone who sees you as a block to his happiness, even if he didn't use the D-word. Maybe your other relationships didn't measure up to this one, but this is not what you should be settling for.
posted by Obscure Reference at 10:34 AM on September 3, 2013 [4 favorites]

My ideal outcome is that he thinks about it, realizes that we have a good thing going on, and tells me that he’s in it for the long haul.

That's oddly passive. You are a stakeholder here; what do you think of his complaints? Are they valid? Do you think he's getting the support and happiness he should? Or is he just having a mid-life crisis and being selfish?

If you think that he might have a point, then isn't time to see what you can do, with your husband and on your own, to rebalance the relationship? If he feels he's made too many compromises, and you agree, can't you try to rectify that?
posted by spaltavian at 10:37 AM on September 3, 2013 [12 favorites]

No, I won’t DTMFA.

Good for you! I suggest you read Divorce Busting and Divorce Remedy (the latter is probably the best) by Michele Weiner-Davis, it is the perfect book for someone in your situation. It sounds like you have what she calls a "Walk Away Spouse."

MWD talks about this, but if you go to counselling, please seek someone who believes in marriage and practices SBT (Solution-Based Therapy); those counselors who do not will probably backfire on you.

I wish you the best of luck.
posted by entropicamericana at 10:38 AM on September 3, 2013 [1 favorite]

Wow. Tough crowd. I don't get the sense from what you've written he might be cheating or imminently planning divorce. He sounds like a drowning man who thinks divorce is his rubber ring because it frees him of the one thing that is keeping him in a shitty job situation.

It also sounds like you are honest with one another. He's dropped a bombshell on you. I think there are two issues here:

1) He sees relationships as quid pro quo
2) He's not happy with the compromises he has made.

I don't read that he is unhappy with the marriage as such. I read that he is unhappy with the situation, and divorce is his solution to the situation, and he's reaching the end of his tether.

He believes that what he will lose from not being married to you is less than what he will gain from regaining his work/life balance because he is that unhappy at work. Work does that to people. You spend hours each day at work and if it gets to a certain point your vision can narrow as it starts to grind your gears. I think he's probably wrong in his assessment, but I'm just some guy on the internet.

So, it looks like in the short term the situation is rectifiable by rebalancing the quid pro quo, you getting a job. The longer term question only you or he can answer is whether he will always see marriage this way and whether that's something you want to be part of. You know, you sign up to sickness and health, richer and poorer. You make a commitment.

If and when you are in a position to give him back some choices and some freedom, I suspect your marriage will improve if you can do it before he blows up. You then need to talk through what happened together, with or without a counsellor. You would benefit from him talking to a counsellor before then because, at the risk of sounding like an old fart, he appears to have lost track of what is important if he thinks walking away from a loving relationship is the way to fix a career issue that makes him deeply unhappy.
posted by MuffinMan at 10:39 AM on September 3, 2013 [16 favorites]

Well, I think the unstated feeling of the "tough crowd" is that if he's at the point where he is saying it out loud to the OP, he has probably thought it through in his mind a thousand times, and he is now road-testing it, and he has an endgame very much in mind.

Of course, that might not be the way this scenario plays, but unfortunately, that's kind of the blueprint.
posted by thinkpiece at 10:43 AM on September 3, 2013 [6 favorites]

You might find the article and discussion in this fpp from a few years ago helpful.
posted by rtha at 10:51 AM on September 3, 2013 [1 favorite]

You should insist on couples counseling to figure out if this is going to be a divorce. You wrote about his sacrifices, but not about yours. If you haven't made any sacrifices and your husband is struggling, you might have to start making some sacrifices now, such as getting a job and scaling back on school or whatever would alieviate some of the pressure on him.
posted by WeekendJen at 10:54 AM on September 3, 2013 [9 favorites]

I'm sorry that you're going through this. Since others have suggested that you should get a lawyer and a therapist, I'll just add that I'd encourage you to find a balance between doing what you're willing to do to save your relationship and taking care of yourself during a stressful time.

If this doesn't work out, I think you would be upset with yourself if you thought there was something you could have done differently but didn't. At the same time, this is kind of about him. There's only so much you can do if he decides to seek a divorce. So try to find a balance where, if he said tomorrow that he wanted to split, you'd feel that you tried your best and that sometimes things just don't work out.

In practice for me, this would mean trying to make sure that the things I say to my husband come from a place of love. I would try to avoid teasing and try to listen better - things like not just asking "how was your day?" but adding a few follow-up questions. My husband and I frequently go back and forth over things like what we want to do for dinner. When either of us are stressed out, I try to have an idea in the back of my mind just so it's not stressful, even if the idea is spaghetti or cereal.

At the same time, I try to take care of myself by not putting too many unnecessary demands on myself. I don't need to do something after work every day of the week. But there are some things that I enjoy and making time for them makes me feel proud of myself - things like exercise and volunteering.

Hope that makes sense and is helpful. I also hope things get easier soon. Best wishes.
posted by kat518 at 11:09 AM on September 3, 2013 [1 favorite]

Before you head to the ol' therapist - which is good advice, don't get to wrong - you need to talk to your husband to gain some clarity. You said above that your husband told you that he was not sure that being married was making him happy, and then later, that he told you that he’s not sure that he wants to be married to you because he’s afraid that he’s going to have to continue to compromise his own happiness without sufficient reward. You've gotta unpack those things with him before heading to therapy, I think. Does this mean that:

He has an expectation of being happy at least X% of the time while married, and he is below that threshold?
He has an expectation that you, his spouse, will be responsible for his happiness, or that he believes that married people should be at least partially responsible for one anothers' happiness?
He believes that the only sacrifices worth making are ones that delay personal benefit, rather than ones which bring benefit exclusively to others?
He believes that there are no compromises, only sacrifices, generally?
He believes that being married to you is making him unhappy, specifically, rather than just being married, generally?
He expected that marriage would be easier than this?
He expected that sacrifices would be more equitable?
He believes that his unhappiness would cease if you ended your marriage?

These are just a few questions that you should seek straight answers to. If you're able to speak rationally together like you did this weekend, it seems like you should be able to specifically ask him to clarify some things so that you understand where he is coming from before you start catastrophizing. You might discover together that there are things outside your control that are diminishing your happiness separately and together, and only time will get you through them. Lots of marriages hit rough patches, and it's hard to see what's on the other side if you've never witnessed the other side before.
posted by juniperesque at 11:20 AM on September 3, 2013 [7 favorites]

I nth the suggestions to seek couples counselling together. Maybe try to find someone who is familiar with John Gottman's theorising and books on marriage and divorce.

To my mind, a real test of whether you are, in fact, headed for divorce will be his willingness to accompany you and/or engage with you to actively improve your marriage. If he doesn't want to go to therapy or wants more time to 'think' on his own and not discuss what is going on more concretely, then that doesn't bode well. :/

[Here's hoping that he will want to work on improving your relationship. Good luck!]
posted by Halo in reverse at 11:25 AM on September 3, 2013

Counseling - probably both individual and couple's - really seems indicated. You both need to clarify what the actual problems are, and how they can be addressed, either together or apart. You say he feels like he's "given up a lot of freedoms", but this could be anything from "you want me to call when I'm going to be out past 2am" (which is IMO a reasonable request) to "your wants, needs, and desires are consistently put before mine and I feel resentful and unappreciated" (which is a much more serious and far-reaching relationship issue).

I'd also suggest that you use caution with possibly-dismissive interpretations like "it's just a midlife crisis", which implies that the problem is entirely in his head. It may be a midlife crisis, but it could be that ongoing issues have finally become impossible to ignore (the prior issue with counseling causes me to wonder if this might be the case). I know it does happen sometimes, but in my experience it's very, very rare for relationship problems to be completely one-sided. If you want to fix things, both of you have to acknowledge your part in your relationship patterns and dynamics, and be willing to work together to change things.
posted by Kpele at 11:26 AM on September 3, 2013

It sounds like, over the course of many years, your husband has made a variety of sacrifices both for you (financially and emotionally supporting you throughout your master's program) and to be with you (taking a job he maybe didn't want, moving to a new city for the sake of your career).

It sounds as though the outcome of those sacrifices is maybe in doubt. He's made sacrifices for the sake of your career, but you're unemployed. Part of those sacrifices involved taking a less-than-perfect job, and lo and behold, it turns out that the job sucks. He's in a place he doesn't want to be, doing a job he doesn't like, to support the career of a person who doesn't yet have one.

He doesn't have to view relationships as "quid pro quo" (and I really, really doubt this simplistic formulation is true, given that he has by your own admission extensively supported you and your career) to have some doubts about all this. I would, too.

Maybe others are right, and he's laying the groundwork for a divorce soon. But maybe they aren't, and he's just inartfully telling you that he's frustrated with the situation you two are finding yourselves in, and maybe there are commonsense ways to begin addressing the problem.
posted by downing street memo at 11:38 AM on September 3, 2013 [20 favorites]

I think if he's mentioned it twice he's pretty serious. I'm not saying it's pointless to try to save your marriage; I actually think it's great that you want to. But it'd probably be smart to look into what your plan B would be so you don't get blindsided if it doesn't work out. A consult with a lawyer and a financial planner are great Plan B first steps.

Just to let you know where I'm coming from, I found out later on that Dad had dropped hints about divorce before he actually left (he had already been hiding assets long before that, but that's another story). Mom threw herself 100% into changing his mind, and was therefore even more unprepared when the ax fell. I know the two of you aren't my parents, but I wish someone had been there to tell my mother, "If he says he might do it, then he might do it, and you have to be ready either way."

So, yeah.

Individual counseling for you
Consult with a lawyer
Consult with a financial planner
Keep an eye on those savings to make sure they don't get moved into something that can't be divided fairly in a divorce (the financial planner can advise you on that)

None of this has to mean you've given up. It just means that you're going to be OK either way, and that if the marriage lasts it's because you both are choosing to stay in it.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 11:51 AM on September 3, 2013 [5 favorites]

... we communicate well

When it comes to marital issues, even the best communicators spectacularly fall down.

He's unhappy because his choices to better your life have taken him into a difficult place, personally. Often, such a person who makes such sacrifices has a hard time telling the other he can no longer do so. Instead, he resorts to passive messaging.

What he likely wants (not a divorce) but for you to give him temporary reprieve from future sacrifices, and support towards repairing his current dark condition. If you signal such an 'offer' to him, it will start allowing for a discussion to take place towards real answers.
posted by Kruger5 at 11:56 AM on September 3, 2013 [2 favorites]

Anonymous, feel free to memail me for my personal perspective on this situation.
posted by Kwine at 12:00 PM on September 3, 2013

I think that there is about a 25% chance that he will ask me for a divorce by the end of the year.
These odds seem wildly optomistic. You think you have a "great marriage" while he has told you repeatedly that he is unhappy in it.

I think you might do better to realize that if he's talking about divorce, he may already have things in the works--a lawyer retained, an apartment rented. It may be less a 25%-chance and more a 100%-chance with a couple-of-months warning--his passive way of telling you "You need to prepare yourself emotionally and job-wise for me not being here come Halloween."

It may not be very mature (like bailing on the pre-marriage counseling) but if he's this unhappy and there are no children keeping him there, this may seem like an easy "fix" to him.
posted by blueberry at 12:02 PM on September 3, 2013 [4 favorites]

It's more about the how, than about the what.

Imagine it's exactly the same frustrating situation for him. If he said:

"Honey, let's talk about our situation, because I'm drowning over here! Help!"

I'd be quite optimistic. No guarantees, of course, because part of being a mature adult is understanding that not all marriage problems are soluble. But this indicates that he's coming out of the assumption that the marriage is worth saving, and now it's just a matter of 'how'. However, if he said:

"I'm not sure that being married is making me happy" followed months later with "I'm still not sure I want to be married to you"

you are right to be worried. Because he's not coming out of the assumption that the marriage itself is worth it - in fact he explicitly is saying he's "not sure" it is. Ouch. Not 'how do we fix it', but "is it worth it?".

Trying to prove it's "worth it" and trying to make it "worth it" is a very tall order, a very vague order, and leaves you forever wondering whether you've made it "worth it" to his satisfaction. You'll be living on tenterhooks, forever waiting for the other shoe to drop - at best. Is that "worth it" to you?

Had he asked to fix the situation, the criteria would be explicit and you'd know exactly what both of you need to do and what standards you need to reach. But you'd also be secure in the underlying worth of the marriage itself - now it's all about measurable things you can do, not about the worth itself.

That makes all the difference. It's in 'how' he expressed his dissatisfaction, not the 'what' of the dissatisfaction.

Now, it's possible this is all just a giant misunderstanding, and he's inarticulate and he meant the former, while presenting it as the latter. Maybe. But people tend to signal pretty clearly what's going to happen in situations like this, and this has all the hallmarks of long brooding by his lonesome self without sharing with you, making a decision all by his lonesome self, and now preparing you for the drop.

So go prepare yourself financially and emotionally - others in this thread have given you advice on how to do that.
posted by VikingSword at 12:25 PM on September 3, 2013 [5 favorites]

I'm so sorry that this is happening.

After my ex-husband first mentioned divorce to me, I cried, wailed and became Ms. "Love is a VERB!" ready to do anything to save my marriage. We talked it out and made resolutions and promises. And then two years later we ended separating and divorcing, for the same reasons we talked about in the initial talk. So sometimes all of the good intentions, talking, etc just doesn't work.

If I could go back in time, I'd have told old kimber to...

Heed this as a warning, not an idle idea. The sentence "I want a divorce" isn't tossed around as casually as "hey, maybe we should have burgers tonight?"

Get involved with the household's money. Login to your bank account(s), see where the money goes. Learn about all of the monthly bills that are paid. Pay attention to the savings accounts. Write down all of your account numbers and institution names. Not because he's going to hide money, but because you need to know how much money you both have and much it'll take to keep you fed, clothed, and your loans paid.

Tell one person that you're having problems. That way if it comes crumbling down, you don't have to comfort everyone else in your life who had no idea it was coming.

Take your time looking for a lawyer and a potential new place to live now, so that you don't have to scramble for quickly if you get served.

Again, I'm sorry.
posted by kimberussell at 12:32 PM on September 3, 2013 [10 favorites]

We also went to pre-marriage counseling together but quickly stopped because it felt like it was actively undermining our relationship.

Well, there was a glaring red flag right there.

If I were you, I would get a job and prepare as if a divorce is imminent. No crying, no begging, none of that.

Assuming he hasn't met someone else (and be warned, that is definitely a possibility) if he realizes that you won't curl up in a ball and die...he might also realize he is making a great big mistake.

But if I were you (and I say that as someone who is definitely NOT a proponent of divorce) I would get my ducks in a row as quickly as practically possible.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 2:09 PM on September 3, 2013 [3 favorites]

I'd have a frankly sneaky personal consult with a divorce lawyer because while you may not be able to prepare for your husband demanding a divorce on a practical level, you can prepare yourself on a financial one. You need to know the laws as they apply in your state in terms of assets and alimony (I for one was brought up pretty short to hear in a totally casual conversation with our family lawyer regarding estate planning that were my spouse and I to divorce, I'd likely owe him alimony.) Ignore the above advice to attempt to negotiate a settlement until you know your legal position. Ignore any advice to start stashing assets, which may not be legal where you are. Talk to a lawyer who has only your best interests at heart.

Doing this will not hasten a divorce. Do NOT stick your head in the sand and assume the two of you will work it out fairly. Protect yourself, and do it now.
posted by DarlingBri at 2:19 PM on September 3, 2013 [5 favorites]

you say you love your husband, he's a wonderful man and you love being married to him. then, you ask what should you do. i'd say fight like hell to save your marriage. your husband is unhappy and has told you this is serious. your response is he said this and then oh yeah we had a nice weekend or month. huh? do something about your marriage! get into couples counseling with the best counselor you can find in your area. ask your husband what he wants. ask yourself if you can provide what he wants. does he need more appreciation? for you to sacrifice for him and move to a different city so he can get a job he likes? sex? something else? doing nothing and waiting for him to change his mind when he's told you he is quite unhappy is probably guaranteed to lead you to divorce. the ball is in your court. at least if you fight like hell for your marriage and it still doesn't work out you will know you gave it your all. right now from your post you sound super passive and kind of out of touch with your husband's unhappiness.
posted by wildflower at 11:39 PM on September 3, 2013 [3 favorites]

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