Is lack of sex worth ending a marriage over?
March 23, 2011 10:53 PM Subscribe
Is sexual incompatibility enough of a reason to end a 15 year marriage? It seems like a lame reason, but she would prefer to do it once a month, while he has the urge once a day (but I'd settle for once or twice a week). Is there any hope for this couple?
posted by hoodkeyben70 to Human Relations (93 answers total) 40 users marked this as a favorite
I've listened to enough pop psychologists on the radio to know whenever a guy complains about infrequent sex in a relationship, it usually means something else major is going on, but I can't for the life of me figure out what is causing the strife in the bedroom. I help cook, I help clean, I help do everything I can and when she says she's tired I take care of more than enough added chores in the hopes she can relax.
Of course in the first couple years we were together sex was frequent, fun, and done with reckless abandon. It was no big deal and it was great and we did it almost every night. Then adult lives and responsibilities came into being and it slid back to about once a month between work schedules and exhaustion, where it has stayed ever since. There are now children so it took a few years before we could figure out a way to even make time for it (there was a stretch of about 9 months without it completely). Hormones were thought to possibly be a problem but blood work has shown no issues with either of us.
I realized recently that I can't take it anymore, I'm tired of masturbating all the time. I've read Dan Savage and it seems I'm supposed to ask for an open relationship and get a fuckbuddy but that seems pretty much impossible for both of us (we have talked about open relationships a few months ago when a friend mentioned doing it and she doesn't think any sane human could do that, and I can't imagine having a physical-only relationship in my 40s). She's not suddenly going to start giving frequent handjobs ("gross!" she has always said) or blowjobs ("I used to be into giving those, but naw, not much any more" -- it's been nearly two years since the last one), so I'm stumped.
Lately, I've grown resentful after asking each time and hearing an excuse (sometimes the response is a laugh from her). I think it's because I'm equating lovemaking with sharing, giving, and expressing love between two people. Honestly, when I think of it that way I don't know why everyone isn't doing it all the time whenever they can. I think she feels it's a physical activity we just do once in a while and she only feels like doing it once in a blue moon. I know it's dumb but it feels like the most obvious way to express love that I can think of so someone not wanting to do it seems like they don't have that strong of feelings for you.
I don't want to split up over what doesn't seem like a huge part of marriage, since we are parents and I think we're good parents and we communicate well and compliment each other well and if sex was out of the picture an outsider could see two best friends having the time of their lives together sharing in activities and parenting.
But if it boils down to once a month for the rest of my life, I'm not sure I can take that much longer. Is there any hope? Where do we start trying to come to any sort of agreement?