Separated for a while, divorce on the way, and I'm lonely - but unsure about dating
November 23, 2010 4:34 PM Subscribe
When I was 23, I got married. It was really great for six years, and then for a year and a bit, really pretty horrible. We worked hard at it, but it didn't. Now I'm 30 and we've been separated for 3 months. Definitely feels right that it's over, and in time we'll divorce. It feels too soon to start dating - problem is, I'm lonely and really missing sex.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (15 answers total) 7 users marked this as a favorite
For six years, our marriage was great - we were really close friends and physically had a tremendous connection, with a sex life we were both happy with. Then there came a point when we realised where we wanted to go in our lives was different - I wanted kids and a certain pace of life, she didn't. She said she still loved me, but had no interest in sex, wanted to change the relationship to be much more platonic. We spent a year talking to each other, doing counselling and in the summer of this year, realised we just wanted different, irreconcilable things from life. Rather than grind each other down with it, we decided to separate. At the time, it felt like the right decision. Painful, really fucking painful, but right, and it still does.
Three months on, I'm doing OK, and my ex and I are being civil about splitting up the house and the possessions etc. In time we'll be friends, I hope.
My own friends have been great - popped round to see how I'm doing, invited me out for drinks etc. My career is going well too, which is a good distraction. I have hobbies and interests. I'm keeping fit. I'm healing, slowly - feeling fairly positive and while there's a way to go, I know I'll make it, gradually. Not really into thinking about a new relationship just yet.
It has been over a year since I've had sex. The last year of the marriage was lonely, frustrating and damaging to my self-esteem in that I was with a woman who I really wanted and desired and who didn't want me. Now I am actually on my own and I find I'm really missing that physical connection thing and the the pleasure of just having sex. Sure there's porn and masturbation but that only gets you so far.
So I guess the question is - what are my options? If any? Naive as it sounds, I am (comically, almost) out of my depth here: it's been 7 years since I thought about a women aside from my ex. She was my first real girlfriend and the only woman I've had sex with. When we were together, we were either very into each other or I was desperately trying to save what we had.
I'm not good at flirting, and being quiet and bookish I'm not particularly into clubbing. I live in London - not a city where (to my eyes at least) it's easy to meet women. I've got no idea how you do the one night stand thing, or casual encounters or whatever it's called. A couple of friends have asked whether I'm ready to start dating. I've browsed OKCupid and Match with a throwaway profile, but it feels too soon even to answer the questions about myself let alone check out other people's profiles.
So, hive mind, please help me out - I'll owe you.
Throwaway for advice, stories, more etc: firstname.lastname@example.org