Failure Mode Failure
December 11, 2012 8:16 PM Subscribe
Give me better rules of thumb for dealing with mundane failure: missing deadlines, losing things, and so forth.
I've noticed that, whenever I become aware that I have failed at something, I tend to put it out of my mind as quickly and thoroughly as possible. This is frequently counterproductive, because in the case of eg. academic work, late assignments are usually still worth something, and I need to learn the material in any case, so a more appropriate reaction would be to schedule another "due date" for myself, and plan around it.
I think this response to failure is a habit I picked up while dealing with depression, when I couldn't emotionally handle the experience of recognizing my own inadequacy.
Actually this seems to be rather common among people who aren't depressed, because it is apparently polite, upon hearing about someone else's failure, to at least minimize it and move on, and quite possibly try to reinterpret it as a new opportunity. I suppose that emotional fragility is more common than depression per se.
Anyhow, it's not difficult for me to come up with correct responses for particular kinds of failure, if I have the forethought to write out a response for a particular situation. That's not a bad thing to do, I'll be doing more of that, but I also feel a need for some kind of default. Right now, if I fail, and I don't immediately come up with a way of responding to it, I'll follow my habit and forget what I failed at. I need to replace that habit.
I've noticed that, whenever I become aware that I have failed at something, I tend to put it out of my mind as quickly and thoroughly as possible. This is frequently counterproductive, because in the case of eg. academic work, late assignments are usually still worth something, and I need to learn the material in any case, so a more appropriate reaction would be to schedule another "due date" for myself, and plan around it.
I think this response to failure is a habit I picked up while dealing with depression, when I couldn't emotionally handle the experience of recognizing my own inadequacy.
Actually this seems to be rather common among people who aren't depressed, because it is apparently polite, upon hearing about someone else's failure, to at least minimize it and move on, and quite possibly try to reinterpret it as a new opportunity. I suppose that emotional fragility is more common than depression per se.
Anyhow, it's not difficult for me to come up with correct responses for particular kinds of failure, if I have the forethought to write out a response for a particular situation. That's not a bad thing to do, I'll be doing more of that, but I also feel a need for some kind of default. Right now, if I fail, and I don't immediately come up with a way of responding to it, I'll follow my habit and forget what I failed at. I need to replace that habit.
I think for the most part, you should not dwell on minor failures.
The real way to acknowledge failure is to clean it up as quickly as possible. The task list, as mentioned above, is important in that respect. The key thing is not to fixate too long on your short-comings before you jump to action. The fixating takes away from your ability to be productive, and the cycle of failure will continue. Limit yourself to extremely minimal self-criticism and get to work -- with those two steps you'll find that these small failures will no longer weigh on you so heavily.
The million dollar question is: how do you learn to act, and not dwell? If sheer will power is failing you, I suggest exercise, therapy, and (potentially) medication.
posted by murfed13 at 9:46 PM on December 11, 2012
The real way to acknowledge failure is to clean it up as quickly as possible. The task list, as mentioned above, is important in that respect. The key thing is not to fixate too long on your short-comings before you jump to action. The fixating takes away from your ability to be productive, and the cycle of failure will continue. Limit yourself to extremely minimal self-criticism and get to work -- with those two steps you'll find that these small failures will no longer weigh on you so heavily.
The million dollar question is: how do you learn to act, and not dwell? If sheer will power is failing you, I suggest exercise, therapy, and (potentially) medication.
posted by murfed13 at 9:46 PM on December 11, 2012
Mantra: make it right. OK, you missed this one/held that person up/didn't get it done. Now stop ruminating and figure out what you need to do to make it right.
posted by Miko at 9:49 PM on December 11, 2012 [4 favorites]
posted by Miko at 9:49 PM on December 11, 2012 [4 favorites]
Best answer: The default, no matter what you have failed at, should be "Do the next best thing." For missing a deadline, the next best thing might be to set a new deadline and get the thing completed, albeit late. For failing an exam or a class, the next best thing might be to see whether you can get the equivalent credit another way, a different class, or an alternative assessment, or resitting the class.
For professional failures, the next best thing might be to work on a different project that will achieve similar personal and professional goals, or to move laterally into a slightly different position, or to apologise to whoever you pissed off and see if there is some way you can make it up to them.
If you baked a pizza and dropped it on the floor, the next best thing might be to order take out.
posted by lollusc at 11:36 PM on December 11, 2012 [6 favorites]
For professional failures, the next best thing might be to work on a different project that will achieve similar personal and professional goals, or to move laterally into a slightly different position, or to apologise to whoever you pissed off and see if there is some way you can make it up to them.
If you baked a pizza and dropped it on the floor, the next best thing might be to order take out.
posted by lollusc at 11:36 PM on December 11, 2012 [6 favorites]
Response by poster: I'm already on medication and more or less manage ten minutes of exercise per day. I think that part's covered. To me, "sheer will power" is never really "sheer" in the sense of pure: I always have to mix it with some kind of mind trick to arrange that I exercise willpower on the effort that I actually want to use it on, or else I will work very hard on something not quite unrelated.
posted by LogicalDash at 4:37 AM on December 12, 2012 [2 favorites]
posted by LogicalDash at 4:37 AM on December 12, 2012 [2 favorites]
It sounds like what you want here is this quote:
"Eat a live frog first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day." - Mark Twain
The post I linked to is cheesy, but the mantra sums it up - do the hardest thing first. And should that fail, as Miko and lollusc say, then make it right with the next best thing. That's the trick of the mind you need to apply willpower to. Yes, I completely understand how easy it is to fill the day with not quite unrelated busy work as a displacement activity, but it's not so bad to do that after the most urgent thing has been taken care of.
And find someone to be an accountability buddy or coach, for support. A friend you can phone, vent a little to, and who knows you well, and will say "I'm hanging up - you write for twenty minutes and I'll call back and you can read it to me" or, who'll offer "So you missed that date. You set your new one, and come to my house to work on it for an hour or two at a time three nights a week until it's done. I'll make us tea and catch up on my reading while keeping you on track." The less room there is to manoeuvre, the easier it is to follow straight through on the work to be done.
posted by peagood at 6:05 AM on December 12, 2012
"Eat a live frog first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day." - Mark Twain
The post I linked to is cheesy, but the mantra sums it up - do the hardest thing first. And should that fail, as Miko and lollusc say, then make it right with the next best thing. That's the trick of the mind you need to apply willpower to. Yes, I completely understand how easy it is to fill the day with not quite unrelated busy work as a displacement activity, but it's not so bad to do that after the most urgent thing has been taken care of.
And find someone to be an accountability buddy or coach, for support. A friend you can phone, vent a little to, and who knows you well, and will say "I'm hanging up - you write for twenty minutes and I'll call back and you can read it to me" or, who'll offer "So you missed that date. You set your new one, and come to my house to work on it for an hour or two at a time three nights a week until it's done. I'll make us tea and catch up on my reading while keeping you on track." The less room there is to manoeuvre, the easier it is to follow straight through on the work to be done.
posted by peagood at 6:05 AM on December 12, 2012
Response by poster: I'm afraid I don't see the connection between, "do the hardest thing first," and dealing with failure. Doing the hardest thing is something I could do irrespective of whether I've failed at it or anything related to it.
Also, I am absolutely terrible at estimating difficulty ahead of time.
posted by LogicalDash at 6:14 PM on December 12, 2012
Also, I am absolutely terrible at estimating difficulty ahead of time.
posted by LogicalDash at 6:14 PM on December 12, 2012
"do the hardest thing first," and dealing with failure
I think it's more a prescription for not failing as much.
I guess I'm not sure what kind of answer you're looking for that's not here already. If you've failed at something, do the next best thing, try to make it right, analyze it and try to prevent a similar occurrence. It seems like these are answers to your question. Is there more to the question, maybe?
Is a pattern of rejecting all solutions out of hand part of the problem?
posted by Miko at 7:06 PM on December 12, 2012
I think it's more a prescription for not failing as much.
I guess I'm not sure what kind of answer you're looking for that's not here already. If you've failed at something, do the next best thing, try to make it right, analyze it and try to prevent a similar occurrence. It seems like these are answers to your question. Is there more to the question, maybe?
Is a pattern of rejecting all solutions out of hand part of the problem?
posted by Miko at 7:06 PM on December 12, 2012
Response by poster: Possibly? I don't think I've rejected anything here, just not committed. Or maybe that's also what you mean?
posted by LogicalDash at 7:52 PM on December 12, 2012
posted by LogicalDash at 7:52 PM on December 12, 2012
I guess I'm not sure what kind of answer you're looking for that's not here already. If you've failed at something, do the next best thing, try to make it right, analyze it and try to prevent a similar occurrence. It seems like these are answers to your question. Is there more to the question, maybe?
This is what I am wondering as well. If you are looking for step-by-step instructions for particular problems, we obviously can't give you that. So we are suggesting the next best thing, big picture modifications to work/organizational habits. What exactly are you asking about?
Also, I am absolutely terrible at estimating difficulty ahead of time.
Me too. But here's a fun fact: everything takes at least twice as long as you think it will (if you are me).
posted by murfed13 at 8:15 PM on December 12, 2012 [1 favorite]
This is what I am wondering as well. If you are looking for step-by-step instructions for particular problems, we obviously can't give you that. So we are suggesting the next best thing, big picture modifications to work/organizational habits. What exactly are you asking about?
Also, I am absolutely terrible at estimating difficulty ahead of time.
Me too. But here's a fun fact: everything takes at least twice as long as you think it will (if you are me).
posted by murfed13 at 8:15 PM on December 12, 2012 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: I am asking about big picture modifications to work and organization habits. I'm getting them; these are good suggestions. If I'm being critical it's probably because I'm confused and trying to clear that up.
posted by LogicalDash at 6:03 AM on December 13, 2012
posted by LogicalDash at 6:03 AM on December 13, 2012
Best answer: Here's a mind trick I find handy: notice that you and your past (failed) self are not the same person.
In Buddhist practice (since you posted to 'religion & philosophy'), the permanent self is an illusion. You change constantly: the cells in your body turn over, your actions and even your existence depend on all sorts of external factors (interdependence), and your emotional state, when you observe it closely, is always fluctuating.
This provides an end-run around the need to "emotionally handle the experience of recognizing my own inadequacy", since I'm NOT the same person who fucked up in some way. Hell, maybe the situation has little to do with me, but SOMEONE has to [mop up/finish the assignment/order pizza/confess & go to prison/plan out what the Next Best Thing is in this case], and since I'm such a marvelously compassionate bodhisattva, I guess I'll go add that to my to-do list.
Or alternately: it's a shiny new day, I was just re-incarnated, and I now have the superpowers & freedom & insight & resolve & organizational skills to repair the negative consequences of something unfortunate that happened in my past life. That way you can separate a feeling of responsibility/responsiveness/not-quite-unrelatedness (which it sounds like you maybe find helpful) from a feeling of guilt (which it sounds like you find counterproductive).
I realize the above might sound a little insane; hopefully it also makes some convenient sense, but in any case feel free to query.
posted by feral_goldfish at 10:04 AM on December 18, 2012 [4 favorites]
In Buddhist practice (since you posted to 'religion & philosophy'), the permanent self is an illusion. You change constantly: the cells in your body turn over, your actions and even your existence depend on all sorts of external factors (interdependence), and your emotional state, when you observe it closely, is always fluctuating.
This provides an end-run around the need to "emotionally handle the experience of recognizing my own inadequacy", since I'm NOT the same person who fucked up in some way. Hell, maybe the situation has little to do with me, but SOMEONE has to [mop up/finish the assignment/order pizza/confess & go to prison/plan out what the Next Best Thing is in this case], and since I'm such a marvelously compassionate bodhisattva, I guess I'll go add that to my to-do list.
Or alternately: it's a shiny new day, I was just re-incarnated, and I now have the superpowers & freedom & insight & resolve & organizational skills to repair the negative consequences of something unfortunate that happened in my past life. That way you can separate a feeling of responsibility/responsiveness/not-quite-unrelatedness (which it sounds like you maybe find helpful) from a feeling of guilt (which it sounds like you find counterproductive).
I realize the above might sound a little insane; hopefully it also makes some convenient sense, but in any case feel free to query.
posted by feral_goldfish at 10:04 AM on December 18, 2012 [4 favorites]
« Older It's a sense of freedom that you don't get with... | How to prevent Princess and the Pea situations... Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by DoubleLune at 8:47 PM on December 11, 2012