Does therapy actually work for depression?
November 6, 2010 9:23 AM Subscribe
Just called the Suicide Hotline. Was alarmed at how milquetoast and ineffectual the volunteer was. Still feeling incredibly low. What's a guy gotta do to get serious help for his serious depression?
First off, don't be alarmed; I've pulled back from the brink. I had a fit of panicked weeping and raving, self-abusive thoughts. But I called the toll free number, stammered incoherently to some poor volunteer, and now have somewhat of a grip on myself.
But I feel ashamed for my outburst. And I feel even more hopeless in my depression, as calling the Hotline really reinforced the fact that a stranger can't save me from the garbage inside my head. Which is a very scary, doomed feeling. And honestly, it's how I feel after most therapy sessions. But I know the panic and the weeping and the suicidal thoughts are going to come back.
I've been attempting talk therapy, on and off, for almost 7 years now. But I've been in and out of work for most of that time, and my fluctuating health insurance situation has prevented me from getting really consistent care. Lots of free clinics, seeing a practicum therapist for a while then having to switch to someone else. I do have insurance now, but have had a lot of disappointment and dejection trying out new therapists.
And now here I am, desperately turning to more strangers on Ask Metafilter.
So how do I break this cycle of reaching out for help, finding the standard avenues of help ineffectual and therefore damning me, and then sinking deeper into hopelessness?
Is it simply that I've never had a good therapist that I click with (which I guess is a pretty rare thing)? Do I need a support group? Some nontraditional coaching like a medium or a psychic? Or do I just need to accept that I'm the only one who can really help myself (that itself is terrifying, as I'm more or less a screw-up)?
Please help me find someone to talk to that won't make me feel worse. Specific suggestions welcome. Therapists or support groups or whatever. I live in Minneapolis. I am not religious. And my main issue is feeling like a failure, having never found my footing after college and six years after graduation still totally lacking in professional prospects/life direction.
First off, don't be alarmed; I've pulled back from the brink. I had a fit of panicked weeping and raving, self-abusive thoughts. But I called the toll free number, stammered incoherently to some poor volunteer, and now have somewhat of a grip on myself.
But I feel ashamed for my outburst. And I feel even more hopeless in my depression, as calling the Hotline really reinforced the fact that a stranger can't save me from the garbage inside my head. Which is a very scary, doomed feeling. And honestly, it's how I feel after most therapy sessions. But I know the panic and the weeping and the suicidal thoughts are going to come back.
I've been attempting talk therapy, on and off, for almost 7 years now. But I've been in and out of work for most of that time, and my fluctuating health insurance situation has prevented me from getting really consistent care. Lots of free clinics, seeing a practicum therapist for a while then having to switch to someone else. I do have insurance now, but have had a lot of disappointment and dejection trying out new therapists.
And now here I am, desperately turning to more strangers on Ask Metafilter.
So how do I break this cycle of reaching out for help, finding the standard avenues of help ineffectual and therefore damning me, and then sinking deeper into hopelessness?
Is it simply that I've never had a good therapist that I click with (which I guess is a pretty rare thing)? Do I need a support group? Some nontraditional coaching like a medium or a psychic? Or do I just need to accept that I'm the only one who can really help myself (that itself is terrifying, as I'm more or less a screw-up)?
Please help me find someone to talk to that won't make me feel worse. Specific suggestions welcome. Therapists or support groups or whatever. I live in Minneapolis. I am not religious. And my main issue is feeling like a failure, having never found my footing after college and six years after graduation still totally lacking in professional prospects/life direction.
Call 911. There is something going on in your brain, and it is putting you in tremendous risk. You recognize this, that you need professional help.
I am a stranger on the internet, yes, but I have seen this disease hurt people that I knew well, and whom I loved well. My sadness for them prompts me to urge you to do whatever it takes to care for yourself, and to care deeply that you find some method of relief. I don't know you, but I hate depression and what it does to people. Please seek emergency help.
posted by pickypicky at 9:31 AM on November 6, 2010 [3 favorites]
I am a stranger on the internet, yes, but I have seen this disease hurt people that I knew well, and whom I loved well. My sadness for them prompts me to urge you to do whatever it takes to care for yourself, and to care deeply that you find some method of relief. I don't know you, but I hate depression and what it does to people. Please seek emergency help.
posted by pickypicky at 9:31 AM on November 6, 2010 [3 favorites]
I don't have anything particularly useful to say but you are in my prayers - I know you said you're not religious but I am.
Additionally, get out of your current surroundings. Just go for a walk. Buy a coffee. It's a grey fall day, sure, but it beats sitting in your house/apartment alone. Just change your scenery for the moment. Just for the next twenty minutes go do something different. Deep breaths of a new environment can do wonders to shift your mood. It will remind you that you wanted to pick up Chinese food. It will remind you that you wanted to rent that one stupid silly movie.
For what it's worth still drifting six years after graduation is not remotely indicative of a worthless life; most of us change entire careers two to three (or more!) times in our adult lives. You're SO not a failure.
posted by carlh at 9:41 AM on November 6, 2010 [4 favorites]
Additionally, get out of your current surroundings. Just go for a walk. Buy a coffee. It's a grey fall day, sure, but it beats sitting in your house/apartment alone. Just change your scenery for the moment. Just for the next twenty minutes go do something different. Deep breaths of a new environment can do wonders to shift your mood. It will remind you that you wanted to pick up Chinese food. It will remind you that you wanted to rent that one stupid silly movie.
For what it's worth still drifting six years after graduation is not remotely indicative of a worthless life; most of us change entire careers two to three (or more!) times in our adult lives. You're SO not a failure.
posted by carlh at 9:41 AM on November 6, 2010 [4 favorites]
Hmm...if after seven years you are still not getting what you need out of therapy, maybe you need medication? If you decide to go that route (and it need not be permanent) make sure you see a psychiatrist, not a GP.
You're not a screw-up. Sometimes things go berserk with brain chemistry and it becomes a hole you can't climb out of on your own. Please don't stop reaching out for help. I know it seems completely daunting right now but please get help as soon as you possibly can. Online support groups might be valuable resources for tracking down appropriate help in your area.
Hang in there.
posted by corey flood at 9:41 AM on November 6, 2010 [1 favorite]
You're not a screw-up. Sometimes things go berserk with brain chemistry and it becomes a hole you can't climb out of on your own. Please don't stop reaching out for help. I know it seems completely daunting right now but please get help as soon as you possibly can. Online support groups might be valuable resources for tracking down appropriate help in your area.
Hang in there.
posted by corey flood at 9:41 AM on November 6, 2010 [1 favorite]
I have to agree with pickypicky. You need emergency help.
posted by bolognius maximus at 9:42 AM on November 6, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by bolognius maximus at 9:42 AM on November 6, 2010 [1 favorite]
"But I feel ashamed for my outburst. And I feel even more hopeless in my depression, as calling the Hotline really reinforced the fact that a stranger can't save me from the garbage inside my head."
I can't help you find a therapist, that's something you'll just need to keep at. But the thoughts you express above are symptoms of what you're going through, and if you can find a way to realize it, it'll help you understand. Think about it this way. If you were having a problem with your car (I'm assuming here you aren't a mechanic...), you wouldn't hesitate to call someone for help. And if you took your car to a mechanic, and they didn't fix it, you wouldn't blame yourself, you'd blame the incompetent mechanic.
Now don't get me wrong, crisis hotline work is hard, and calling someone on the phone isn't going to turn your life around. And I'm not suggesting that the person you spoke with did anything wrong. Just that the negative self-talk ("ashamed", "outburst", "garbage inside your head") is part of what depression is. It colors your view. It's a filter that makes everything look bleak. And it's a problem you need help with, the same as a car problem or anything else.
posted by Gorgik at 9:44 AM on November 6, 2010 [4 favorites]
I can't help you find a therapist, that's something you'll just need to keep at. But the thoughts you express above are symptoms of what you're going through, and if you can find a way to realize it, it'll help you understand. Think about it this way. If you were having a problem with your car (I'm assuming here you aren't a mechanic...), you wouldn't hesitate to call someone for help. And if you took your car to a mechanic, and they didn't fix it, you wouldn't blame yourself, you'd blame the incompetent mechanic.
Now don't get me wrong, crisis hotline work is hard, and calling someone on the phone isn't going to turn your life around. And I'm not suggesting that the person you spoke with did anything wrong. Just that the negative self-talk ("ashamed", "outburst", "garbage inside your head") is part of what depression is. It colors your view. It's a filter that makes everything look bleak. And it's a problem you need help with, the same as a car problem or anything else.
posted by Gorgik at 9:44 AM on November 6, 2010 [4 favorites]
I just wanted to come in to say that I know you don't have to do this by yourself. Even though you may not have found them just yet, there ARE people who can help you. Please keep looking for them. If you find yourself at that brink again, you can always go to the ER, as others have said.
I'm wishing you all the best.
posted by chatongriffes at 9:47 AM on November 6, 2010
I'm wishing you all the best.
posted by chatongriffes at 9:47 AM on November 6, 2010
One more thing. My depression lasted a long time, as did my suicidal ideation. I got out of it slowly, with the help of therapy, medicine and changing my life (finding a job I didn't hate, exercising, etc). And I'll say now that while I still have depressive tendencies, I haven't thought about suicide in a long time.
What worked for me may not work for you. But the fact that your feelings persist aren't an indication that you are doomed.
posted by Gorgik at 9:50 AM on November 6, 2010 [5 favorites]
What worked for me may not work for you. But the fact that your feelings persist aren't an indication that you are doomed.
posted by Gorgik at 9:50 AM on November 6, 2010 [5 favorites]
I think therapy is a good thing for the bits that have to do with improving how you cope with problems, helping get direction in your life, that sort of thing.
What therapy does not help, at least so far as I can tell from my own experiences and those of many other people I know, are those moments where you feel mostly okay sometimes, and then sometimes you're just starting to cry out of nowhere, or thinking things you know aren't true, or just feeling panicked or doomed or suicidal at this particular time when six hours ago, with your life still in the same general pattern, you weren't.
That points very strongly to a brain chemistry thing. When your lowest points are not predicted by specific things happening that make you feel low. It is entirely possible for your brain to pull this sort of thing even when there isn't anything outwardly wrong at all. If therapy is not helping at all and you're having these sorts of swings, talk to your GP or a psychiatrist if you don't need a referral. Sometimes it takes a lot of playing around to find a combination of meds that really works, and it can never replace having another person really help you work on how to deal with your problems, but therapy can't get very far when your brain is actively working against you.
posted by gracedissolved at 9:53 AM on November 6, 2010 [3 favorites]
What therapy does not help, at least so far as I can tell from my own experiences and those of many other people I know, are those moments where you feel mostly okay sometimes, and then sometimes you're just starting to cry out of nowhere, or thinking things you know aren't true, or just feeling panicked or doomed or suicidal at this particular time when six hours ago, with your life still in the same general pattern, you weren't.
That points very strongly to a brain chemistry thing. When your lowest points are not predicted by specific things happening that make you feel low. It is entirely possible for your brain to pull this sort of thing even when there isn't anything outwardly wrong at all. If therapy is not helping at all and you're having these sorts of swings, talk to your GP or a psychiatrist if you don't need a referral. Sometimes it takes a lot of playing around to find a combination of meds that really works, and it can never replace having another person really help you work on how to deal with your problems, but therapy can't get very far when your brain is actively working against you.
posted by gracedissolved at 9:53 AM on November 6, 2010 [3 favorites]
From Ms. Vegetable:
If you can find one, I recommend a good psych ward for a while, followed by intensive outpatient therapy. I am NOT kidding - inpatient time can be a great jumpstart to feeling better, and having company (group therapy) can also help. Following with outpatient is a HUGE helper to getting back to "society". And you don't need to be "on the brink" to use these - but please continue to try to get help.
posted by a robot made out of meat at 9:57 AM on November 6, 2010
If you can find one, I recommend a good psych ward for a while, followed by intensive outpatient therapy. I am NOT kidding - inpatient time can be a great jumpstart to feeling better, and having company (group therapy) can also help. Following with outpatient is a HUGE helper to getting back to "society". And you don't need to be "on the brink" to use these - but please continue to try to get help.
posted by a robot made out of meat at 9:57 AM on November 6, 2010
You also need medication. A small amount of the right chemical daily can have an AMAZING effect on your mood and thoughts. If you get the right medication, you will view things more objectively and will cease your thoughts of death. You will be more YOU.
Know that you are unique in the universe and that you have much to offer. Maybe your thoughts are bleak at the moment, but that doesn't mean that you have reason to value yourself so little as to consider suicide. The antidote to thoughts of death is life, and living life can become a possibility again for you in a matter of weeks. Think of it this way: if you had had too much to drink, you wouldn't hesitate to question the validity of your perceptions and thoughts because you would know that your brain chemicals were altered by the drink. The same is true for you now: your brain chemicals have altered your thoughts enough to make them unreliable. Don't act on them and don't assume that you will have the same despairing thoughts forever. Ride it out like the flu until you can get some help, which you need NOW. Go to whatever lengths are necessary to get some longterm support in the form of a psychologist and medication. You could start with your regular doctor or a clinic for an immediate prescription and a referral to a therapist.
In the meantime, if you can possibly manage it, go get yourself some really good and comforting food and rent a couple of movie comedies. Neither the food nor the movies will solve anything, but they can make a few hours more pleasant and remind you of a few of the minor reasons to continue in this life, in spite of your pain.
posted by Jenna Brown at 9:57 AM on November 6, 2010 [1 favorite]
Know that you are unique in the universe and that you have much to offer. Maybe your thoughts are bleak at the moment, but that doesn't mean that you have reason to value yourself so little as to consider suicide. The antidote to thoughts of death is life, and living life can become a possibility again for you in a matter of weeks. Think of it this way: if you had had too much to drink, you wouldn't hesitate to question the validity of your perceptions and thoughts because you would know that your brain chemicals were altered by the drink. The same is true for you now: your brain chemicals have altered your thoughts enough to make them unreliable. Don't act on them and don't assume that you will have the same despairing thoughts forever. Ride it out like the flu until you can get some help, which you need NOW. Go to whatever lengths are necessary to get some longterm support in the form of a psychologist and medication. You could start with your regular doctor or a clinic for an immediate prescription and a referral to a therapist.
In the meantime, if you can possibly manage it, go get yourself some really good and comforting food and rent a couple of movie comedies. Neither the food nor the movies will solve anything, but they can make a few hours more pleasant and remind you of a few of the minor reasons to continue in this life, in spite of your pain.
posted by Jenna Brown at 9:57 AM on November 6, 2010 [1 favorite]
For my part, I would say that professional prospects and life direction are highly overrated, but I know that doesn't really help. I hear you about the lack of success with talk therapists; even the ones who seem to be competent, insightful, and experienced do not end up being especially helpful to me. Haven't ever tried a suicide hotline myself but I would expect an even more meager success rate there, keeping in mind that they're doing their earnest and heartfelt best.
Nthing getting to see a psychiatrist, who you'll want to be choosy in selecting as much as you would be with a therapist. I made the mistake of sticking with the first one I went to for far too long.
Remember that there are a whole, whole lot of different drugs to try in different combinations and with a wide range of effects and different approaches to each person's body and mind make-up. And then on the other side of drugs, different kinds of talk therapy, and various combinations of them together is a whole other field of "treatment-resistant depression" remedies, vagus nerve stimulation or transcranial magnetic stimulation to name a couple... so there is a long, long way further you can go and lots of ammo to at least play towards a stalemate and hopefully even find a solution somewhere in all that. Good luck and don't give up.
posted by XMLicious at 10:05 AM on November 6, 2010
Nthing getting to see a psychiatrist, who you'll want to be choosy in selecting as much as you would be with a therapist. I made the mistake of sticking with the first one I went to for far too long.
Remember that there are a whole, whole lot of different drugs to try in different combinations and with a wide range of effects and different approaches to each person's body and mind make-up. And then on the other side of drugs, different kinds of talk therapy, and various combinations of them together is a whole other field of "treatment-resistant depression" remedies, vagus nerve stimulation or transcranial magnetic stimulation to name a couple... so there is a long, long way further you can go and lots of ammo to at least play towards a stalemate and hopefully even find a solution somewhere in all that. Good luck and don't give up.
posted by XMLicious at 10:05 AM on November 6, 2010
But I feel ashamed for my outburst.
and
Or do I just need to accept that I'm the only one who can really help myself
That's your depression talking, right there.
If you feel suicidal again today, or tomorrow, or at any point, call 911 (whatever the equivalent emergency number is, if you're not in the U.S.) or go to the nearest emergency room. Or just go now, and tell them what happened. Allow someone who is functioning with a clear mind and training in evaluating your risk to help you. You are not in a great place to judge your own self right now.
Yes, therapy can really help with depression. Yes yes yes. And so can meds. Meds + talk therapy can really, really help. Speaking from experience, here.
calling the Hotline really reinforced the fact that a stranger can't save me from the garbage inside my head.
On a longterm basis? No. But talking to this stranger, however ineffectual they may have seemed, kept you from killing yourself. No stranger, in one phone call, can solve your problems. But this stranger gave your space and time to reconsider your desire to end it all, and that's their purpose.
posted by rtha at 10:08 AM on November 6, 2010 [7 favorites]
and
Or do I just need to accept that I'm the only one who can really help myself
That's your depression talking, right there.
If you feel suicidal again today, or tomorrow, or at any point, call 911 (whatever the equivalent emergency number is, if you're not in the U.S.) or go to the nearest emergency room. Or just go now, and tell them what happened. Allow someone who is functioning with a clear mind and training in evaluating your risk to help you. You are not in a great place to judge your own self right now.
Yes, therapy can really help with depression. Yes yes yes. And so can meds. Meds + talk therapy can really, really help. Speaking from experience, here.
calling the Hotline really reinforced the fact that a stranger can't save me from the garbage inside my head.
On a longterm basis? No. But talking to this stranger, however ineffectual they may have seemed, kept you from killing yourself. No stranger, in one phone call, can solve your problems. But this stranger gave your space and time to reconsider your desire to end it all, and that's their purpose.
posted by rtha at 10:08 AM on November 6, 2010 [7 favorites]
Depression is a complex phenomenon. You need to attack it on multiple fronts: talk therapy, Cognitive Behavior Therapy (changing how you think), physical (exercise, nutrition) and medication.
Go to the local hospital, go to the Emergency, and tell them what you told us here. You called the suicide line, it helped a bit (you didn't end it all) but you still feel very low and in need of help.
Please do this. Please post here that you have done this.
posted by thermonuclear.jive.turkey at 10:25 AM on November 6, 2010 [2 favorites]
Go to the local hospital, go to the Emergency, and tell them what you told us here. You called the suicide line, it helped a bit (you didn't end it all) but you still feel very low and in need of help.
Please do this. Please post here that you have done this.
posted by thermonuclear.jive.turkey at 10:25 AM on November 6, 2010 [2 favorites]
If you are in the midst of suicidal thoughts, call 911. They will take you to the hospital and probably keep you there for a few days while they sort out what options are available to you. If you aren't suicidal right now, you may want to call 211 which is a local number for social service information (they can give you local suicide prevention resources). I'm not sure what hotline you called but I have heard good things about 1-800-273-TALK. Unfortunatly mental health care in the US can sometimes be difficult to come by especially if you don't have great insurance. People I know who have had the best results with depression and suicidal thoughts have usually done a combination of meds, individual therapy, group therapy, and other things that were recommended to them (like getting a pet, exercising, working on self esteem issues, etc). Good luck and I will keep you in my prayers!
posted by MsKim at 11:07 AM on November 6, 2010
posted by MsKim at 11:07 AM on November 6, 2010
stammered incoherently to some poor volunteer
That is what they are there for. There is absolutely no need to feel ashamed. You did the right thing by calling them, and the hotline served its purpose of helping you get through that moment. So it was a small victory, even if it wasn't everything it could have been. But you are absolutely right, that you need more help, to find a more long-term plan. I agree with those suggesting the ER or inpatient therapy next (ie, now), where a team of people can help you get out of this for good. But if you ever have one of those panicked weeping moments again, those are what suicide hotlines exist to help you get through, so don't hesitate to call again.
It really does get better. I have a couple friends who were once where you are now, and now they enjoy their life and do not feel that way any more.
posted by salvia at 11:08 AM on November 6, 2010
That is what they are there for. There is absolutely no need to feel ashamed. You did the right thing by calling them, and the hotline served its purpose of helping you get through that moment. So it was a small victory, even if it wasn't everything it could have been. But you are absolutely right, that you need more help, to find a more long-term plan. I agree with those suggesting the ER or inpatient therapy next (ie, now), where a team of people can help you get out of this for good. But if you ever have one of those panicked weeping moments again, those are what suicide hotlines exist to help you get through, so don't hesitate to call again.
It really does get better. I have a couple friends who were once where you are now, and now they enjoy their life and do not feel that way any more.
posted by salvia at 11:08 AM on November 6, 2010
To answer your question -- does therapy actually work for depression? -- directly: sure, sometimes. That doesn't matter, though. What matters is that therapy alone is not working for your depression and you deserve the kind of help that is going to work for you.
You have already done some pretty difficult and brave things -- you reached out to the hotline at your lowest point; you were able to sit down and think through your situation in order to write this question. Now you need to summon up a bit more courage and do what it takes to find someone who can help you. What I had to do was sit down with a family doctor, briefly describe what was happening (feel free to write it out and hand the paper to him or her if you want), and say "I want a referral to a psychiatrist."
Now that my depression is under control, I can no longer imagine wanting to die. I have an amazing, imperfect life that I am grateful for every day. You deserve to feel that way too.
posted by atropos at 11:12 AM on November 6, 2010
You have already done some pretty difficult and brave things -- you reached out to the hotline at your lowest point; you were able to sit down and think through your situation in order to write this question. Now you need to summon up a bit more courage and do what it takes to find someone who can help you. What I had to do was sit down with a family doctor, briefly describe what was happening (feel free to write it out and hand the paper to him or her if you want), and say "I want a referral to a psychiatrist."
Now that my depression is under control, I can no longer imagine wanting to die. I have an amazing, imperfect life that I am grateful for every day. You deserve to feel that way too.
posted by atropos at 11:12 AM on November 6, 2010
I'm terribly sorry. I've gone through some similar stuff, including the post-graduation drifting/confusion/despair, which, in this economy, is a much more soul-crushing experience than most people realize. Other commenters seem to have the "GET HELP NOW" covered, but I think you already know you need it; it's just finding the right kind. Here are a couple suggestions from my own experience:
1. Finding the right therapist takes forever; I'm completely with you there. It's especially awful when you're in a really dire place like this, because how do you even get started communicating all that garbage inside your head? When you're hauling around a churning black cloud the size of the Pacific, how do you unburden yourself of that in a friendly 1-hour chat with a total stranger in some random office? I totally sympathize. I would say that the right therapist is someone who can hear your woes, see the scale of the problem, and inspire confidence in you that they'll be able to help. You will know them when you meet them. And you will!
I know this only because, after a severely depressed adolescence, and seeing a zillion therapists and psychiatrists with whom I might as well have been having a conversation about golf, that's how in touch they seemed, I finally found the right one for me. I knew I could trust her from the first meeting, and it was an enormous relief to feel like I could talk and really be heard. It was the first time in my life that therapy ever helped me, and boy did it. It's been a few years since we last met, but now I know she's out there, and other people like her.
I guarantee that there is someone out there you can talk to, who will help. It will take some time, but please don't give up. Keep trying. The world is full of different people, and many of them you wouldn't feel comfortable having lunch with, much less sharing your innermost despairs. But it will be worth it when you do find him or her. When you trust a therapist—I mean actually trust, to the point that you can share the weirdest, most fucked up stuff you have, and they will understand it and help you see it in a new way—you can accomplish miracles. So, to answer your question: yes, therapy actually works. It's like love. You just have to find the right partner.
2. I've found Andrew Solomon's book The Noonday Demon, which examines depression from about every angle you can think of, strangely comforting in my worse states. Many books you read about depression have this sort of sales-y "By the time you finish this book you will have all the tools you need for a happy life!" schtick going on, and that was never useful for me. Reading Solomon, and meeting all these people he writes about—people who are just as stuck and terrified as I've often felt—was like having a friend who was in the same place. So that's a book recommendation, if you want something that may soothe you a bit while also helping you explore the dimensions of that awful cloud inside your head.
I wish you the best of luck. Please e-mail a mod with updates to the thread if you want further help, or to let us know how things are going. A lot of people here have been somewhere similar and made it out in one piece. You will, too.
posted by cirripede at 11:17 AM on November 6, 2010 [5 favorites]
1. Finding the right therapist takes forever; I'm completely with you there. It's especially awful when you're in a really dire place like this, because how do you even get started communicating all that garbage inside your head? When you're hauling around a churning black cloud the size of the Pacific, how do you unburden yourself of that in a friendly 1-hour chat with a total stranger in some random office? I totally sympathize. I would say that the right therapist is someone who can hear your woes, see the scale of the problem, and inspire confidence in you that they'll be able to help. You will know them when you meet them. And you will!
I know this only because, after a severely depressed adolescence, and seeing a zillion therapists and psychiatrists with whom I might as well have been having a conversation about golf, that's how in touch they seemed, I finally found the right one for me. I knew I could trust her from the first meeting, and it was an enormous relief to feel like I could talk and really be heard. It was the first time in my life that therapy ever helped me, and boy did it. It's been a few years since we last met, but now I know she's out there, and other people like her.
I guarantee that there is someone out there you can talk to, who will help. It will take some time, but please don't give up. Keep trying. The world is full of different people, and many of them you wouldn't feel comfortable having lunch with, much less sharing your innermost despairs. But it will be worth it when you do find him or her. When you trust a therapist—I mean actually trust, to the point that you can share the weirdest, most fucked up stuff you have, and they will understand it and help you see it in a new way—you can accomplish miracles. So, to answer your question: yes, therapy actually works. It's like love. You just have to find the right partner.
2. I've found Andrew Solomon's book The Noonday Demon, which examines depression from about every angle you can think of, strangely comforting in my worse states. Many books you read about depression have this sort of sales-y "By the time you finish this book you will have all the tools you need for a happy life!" schtick going on, and that was never useful for me. Reading Solomon, and meeting all these people he writes about—people who are just as stuck and terrified as I've often felt—was like having a friend who was in the same place. So that's a book recommendation, if you want something that may soothe you a bit while also helping you explore the dimensions of that awful cloud inside your head.
I wish you the best of luck. Please e-mail a mod with updates to the thread if you want further help, or to let us know how things are going. A lot of people here have been somewhere similar and made it out in one piece. You will, too.
posted by cirripede at 11:17 AM on November 6, 2010 [5 favorites]
Double nthing the recommendation that you make an appointment to see a psychiatrist, and discuss the possibility of taking some kind of medication.
I've been there with going to therapy and coming out feeling worse - in the end, I realized that just talking to a sympathetic ear wasn't helpful. If you're prone to endlessly thinking over your 'failures' and perceived shortcomings, it's possible picking them over with a therapist feels like more of the same.
This especially stands out to me:
And my main issue is feeling like a failure, having never found my footing after college and six years after graduation still totally lacking in professional prospects/life direction
I'm not sure if you have any objections to taking anti-depressants, or have just never thought of it before, but if it's the former I hope you'll reconsider. Your current state of mind ends up being a double-whammy: you see nothing positive in your life, and the resulting unhappiness leaves you unable to make anything change (or even know what changes to make!). Getting back to a better mood is going to make a huge difference in your ability to direct your life and deal with whatever problems you see.
If medication is out for whatever reason, at least try to realize that being so hard on yourself ends up being counterproductive. Maybe the therapists have already have pointed this out, but endlessly blaming yourself and feeling ashamed for whatever reason just makes things worse. I don't mean this as a "cheer up!" kind of thing - just think about how berating yourself like this is helping to hold you back.
Plus, you aren't alone in being lost after college or feeling like you're behind in the game of life (believe me, it's the favorite complaint among my circle), and you don't deserve the level of abuse you're giving yourself by any means.
Finally, I can't give any recommendations for Minneapolis, but here's one you can try at home: MoodGym. It's a friendly, simple program that introduces Cognitive Behavior Therapy for depression.
There really, honestly, truly is a brighter future for you - I hope you'll be able to see it soon.
posted by missix at 11:23 AM on November 6, 2010
I've been there with going to therapy and coming out feeling worse - in the end, I realized that just talking to a sympathetic ear wasn't helpful. If you're prone to endlessly thinking over your 'failures' and perceived shortcomings, it's possible picking them over with a therapist feels like more of the same.
This especially stands out to me:
And my main issue is feeling like a failure, having never found my footing after college and six years after graduation still totally lacking in professional prospects/life direction
I'm not sure if you have any objections to taking anti-depressants, or have just never thought of it before, but if it's the former I hope you'll reconsider. Your current state of mind ends up being a double-whammy: you see nothing positive in your life, and the resulting unhappiness leaves you unable to make anything change (or even know what changes to make!). Getting back to a better mood is going to make a huge difference in your ability to direct your life and deal with whatever problems you see.
If medication is out for whatever reason, at least try to realize that being so hard on yourself ends up being counterproductive. Maybe the therapists have already have pointed this out, but endlessly blaming yourself and feeling ashamed for whatever reason just makes things worse. I don't mean this as a "cheer up!" kind of thing - just think about how berating yourself like this is helping to hold you back.
Plus, you aren't alone in being lost after college or feeling like you're behind in the game of life (believe me, it's the favorite complaint among my circle), and you don't deserve the level of abuse you're giving yourself by any means.
Finally, I can't give any recommendations for Minneapolis, but here's one you can try at home: MoodGym. It's a friendly, simple program that introduces Cognitive Behavior Therapy for depression.
There really, honestly, truly is a brighter future for you - I hope you'll be able to see it soon.
posted by missix at 11:23 AM on November 6, 2010
Some people really benefit from medication. It seems like you really gave therapy a very thorough try. If you're still feeling this badly, it might be worth visiting a psychiatrist. You don't have to be on meds forever, but they can certainly help you get back on track to a place where maybe therapy will be more effective. There's nothing to be ashamed of. You wouldn't be ashamed if you had diabetes and weren't able to keep your blood sugar under control without medical intervention. This is kind of the same thing. Depression as serious as what yours sounds like may need something more than talk therapy to improve.
Since you have insurance, it's an especially fine idea for you to visit an ER if you are feeling so desperate. They might be able to get you started so you can start feeling better sooner rather than later. I would really not recommend delaying being seen more than you have to.
Good luck and hope you start feeling better very soon!
posted by elpea at 11:29 AM on November 6, 2010
Since you have insurance, it's an especially fine idea for you to visit an ER if you are feeling so desperate. They might be able to get you started so you can start feeling better sooner rather than later. I would really not recommend delaying being seen more than you have to.
Good luck and hope you start feeling better very soon!
posted by elpea at 11:29 AM on November 6, 2010
For me, therapy was not the answer. By the time my depression hit me, I'd done therapy for other life issues, and I had good coping skills. But when you are chemically depressed, those skills do exactly diddly. When I got on meds, it was like a switch flipped in my head. All of a sudden I could relate to the world again.
I am all for therapy for learning coping skills and for support in dealing with rough spots, but if seven years hasn't gotten you there, you need some chemical change in your brain.
There is a solution out there. If you feel like hurting yourself again, call 911.
posted by freshwater at 11:31 AM on November 6, 2010
I am all for therapy for learning coping skills and for support in dealing with rough spots, but if seven years hasn't gotten you there, you need some chemical change in your brain.
There is a solution out there. If you feel like hurting yourself again, call 911.
posted by freshwater at 11:31 AM on November 6, 2010
Can you call a friend or a family member for the time being and just tell them what you said here? Just say "I need to talk. I'm having a rough time. I need help figuring out what to do." They might be able to help support you right now, and get you to a therapist and/or psychiatrist. Or take you to the ER, just be there for now.
posted by Rocket26 at 12:05 PM on November 6, 2010
posted by Rocket26 at 12:05 PM on November 6, 2010
Dear Anonymous,
Please post an update.....some of us out here care and want to know you're okay.
When I hit my lowest and took myself to an emergency crisis clinic, I got a similar response - a lackadaisical social worker whose lack of concern made me want to go jump off a bridge.
My therapist was my only available and "willing to help" friend at the time. Really sad. She invited me to a support group and because I was so desperate, I went. Three people in there talked about how their loved one's suicide deeply affected them.
The thought of my five year old nieces living with the trauma of their favorite aunt committing suicide kept me from ending my life.
I had been laid off, lost my home, lost my two best friends to cancer, and my family was completely distracted by life and their own traumas so I truly had NO ONE at the time, except more distant friends.
Good advice for me at the time was "try not to be alone too much." Even if it's sitting in a dorky support group with people who annoy you. I found that helped more than I expected.
Someone loves you more than you believe. People on this list would love you in person if we could and remind you of your value and what you have to offer.
posted by sleeping beauty at 12:14 PM on November 6, 2010 [8 favorites]
Please post an update.....some of us out here care and want to know you're okay.
When I hit my lowest and took myself to an emergency crisis clinic, I got a similar response - a lackadaisical social worker whose lack of concern made me want to go jump off a bridge.
My therapist was my only available and "willing to help" friend at the time. Really sad. She invited me to a support group and because I was so desperate, I went. Three people in there talked about how their loved one's suicide deeply affected them.
The thought of my five year old nieces living with the trauma of their favorite aunt committing suicide kept me from ending my life.
I had been laid off, lost my home, lost my two best friends to cancer, and my family was completely distracted by life and their own traumas so I truly had NO ONE at the time, except more distant friends.
Good advice for me at the time was "try not to be alone too much." Even if it's sitting in a dorky support group with people who annoy you. I found that helped more than I expected.
Someone loves you more than you believe. People on this list would love you in person if we could and remind you of your value and what you have to offer.
posted by sleeping beauty at 12:14 PM on November 6, 2010 [8 favorites]
I know of what you're experiencing now. I've been on anti-depressants for a decade, and my doc and I tried a stint off of them. Which worked great until last week, when the depression came back like a 2x4. And now I'm waiting until I can see my Psychiatrist next week.
Here's what I recommend:
1. Don't be hard on yourself. Depression is a disease, an actual, organic disease, and it's causing you grief.
2. If you're feeling actively suicidal, call 911. It's just as severe as a medical emergency as any other.
3. If you're not actively suicidal, but feel you need some coping skills until you can make an appointment, call your therapist. They should have some sort of 'on-call' situation for these types of situations.
4. One last option - see if your insurance company has a 24 hour Nurse Hotline. They can also give you some coping mechanisms on how to handle the next few days.
5. When Monday morning rolls around, try to get a doctor's appointment ASAP, preferably with a Psychiatrist. Again, your therapist should have recommendations.
posted by spinifex23 at 12:22 PM on November 6, 2010
Here's what I recommend:
1. Don't be hard on yourself. Depression is a disease, an actual, organic disease, and it's causing you grief.
2. If you're feeling actively suicidal, call 911. It's just as severe as a medical emergency as any other.
3. If you're not actively suicidal, but feel you need some coping skills until you can make an appointment, call your therapist. They should have some sort of 'on-call' situation for these types of situations.
4. One last option - see if your insurance company has a 24 hour Nurse Hotline. They can also give you some coping mechanisms on how to handle the next few days.
5. When Monday morning rolls around, try to get a doctor's appointment ASAP, preferably with a Psychiatrist. Again, your therapist should have recommendations.
posted by spinifex23 at 12:22 PM on November 6, 2010
And my main issue is feeling like a failure, having never found my footing after college and six years after graduation still totally lacking in professional prospects/life direction.
I know you are believing this now but please consider that this is just a story. I'm not belittling your story, but I promise you, somebody in your exact circumstances -- whatever they are -- could see himself as a great success. So you haven't yet settled on a career. How great is that! You're not locked down, then. You haven't settled for something that isn't right for you. You get to explore different roles and identities without committing to them, in a way that an "accountant" or a "police officer" perhaps does not. Of course, that's a story too, but it's one that doesn't lead to despair. Beliefs, thoughts and emotions are not truths. They're very transient. What you believe today absolutely will shift. Know that. As long as you wholeheartedly believe your thoughts about being a failure you might just act accordingly and perpetuate the whole thing. Please try another hotline or as others have suggested, get to an emergency room. I am thinking of you and send you peace and love. Things will get better!
posted by Wordwoman at 12:29 PM on November 6, 2010 [2 favorites]
I know you are believing this now but please consider that this is just a story. I'm not belittling your story, but I promise you, somebody in your exact circumstances -- whatever they are -- could see himself as a great success. So you haven't yet settled on a career. How great is that! You're not locked down, then. You haven't settled for something that isn't right for you. You get to explore different roles and identities without committing to them, in a way that an "accountant" or a "police officer" perhaps does not. Of course, that's a story too, but it's one that doesn't lead to despair. Beliefs, thoughts and emotions are not truths. They're very transient. What you believe today absolutely will shift. Know that. As long as you wholeheartedly believe your thoughts about being a failure you might just act accordingly and perpetuate the whole thing. Please try another hotline or as others have suggested, get to an emergency room. I am thinking of you and send you peace and love. Things will get better!
posted by Wordwoman at 12:29 PM on November 6, 2010 [2 favorites]
Go for a walk, go for a run, get some fresh air. We all hope you're ok, mate. Metafilter loves you. people from all over the world (I'm in London). And six years out of graduation is nothing. When you're fifty, start worrying, a little.
posted by londongeezer at 12:39 PM on November 6, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by londongeezer at 12:39 PM on November 6, 2010 [1 favorite]
Did you call 1-800-Suicide? If so, it's the Kristin Brooks Hope Center.
I called once at like 2am, and said I needed to talk to someone. The lady who answered the phone said "I'm sorry, we only take suicide calls after midnight." Ummmm, why else would I be calling? I wrote an email at the website and Reese Butler, the president and CEO, emailed me back. He said to give him the date and time of the call and my area code, and he would be able to determine who answered the phone and have them retrained. I did.
You're in my thoughts. I've been there. Please keep trying to seek help. It gets better.
posted by IndigoRain at 12:46 PM on November 6, 2010
I called once at like 2am, and said I needed to talk to someone. The lady who answered the phone said "I'm sorry, we only take suicide calls after midnight." Ummmm, why else would I be calling? I wrote an email at the website and Reese Butler, the president and CEO, emailed me back. He said to give him the date and time of the call and my area code, and he would be able to determine who answered the phone and have them retrained. I did.
You're in my thoughts. I've been there. Please keep trying to seek help. It gets better.
posted by IndigoRain at 12:46 PM on November 6, 2010
But I feel ashamed for my outburst. And I feel even more hopeless in my depression, as calling the Hotline really reinforced the fact that a stranger can't save me from the garbage inside my head.
Do NOT feel ashamed. That's what the person is there for, to listen to your outburst, which is a function of you going having some mental health troubles right now.
It may be helpful to put a positive spin on this, since one issue you're having is not believing that anything can "help" or "work." In fact, this did work -- you called a suicide hotline and did not commit suicide. It wasn't a panacea, but it did what it was supposed to do.
I've been attempting talk therapy, on and off, for almost 7 years now.
Please please PLEASE see a psychiatrist. There are many types of therapy, all of which work at various levels of effectiveness for various people. But if the problem is this severe and talk therapy has been ineffective for that long, it's very possible that you will be much better served by psychiatric medication, or psychiatric medication in conjunction with other forms of therapy.
Antidepressants work. Mood stabilizers work. A physician will have a better sense of what might work for you
posted by J. Wilson at 1:22 PM on November 6, 2010
Do NOT feel ashamed. That's what the person is there for, to listen to your outburst, which is a function of you going having some mental health troubles right now.
It may be helpful to put a positive spin on this, since one issue you're having is not believing that anything can "help" or "work." In fact, this did work -- you called a suicide hotline and did not commit suicide. It wasn't a panacea, but it did what it was supposed to do.
I've been attempting talk therapy, on and off, for almost 7 years now.
Please please PLEASE see a psychiatrist. There are many types of therapy, all of which work at various levels of effectiveness for various people. But if the problem is this severe and talk therapy has been ineffective for that long, it's very possible that you will be much better served by psychiatric medication, or psychiatric medication in conjunction with other forms of therapy.
Antidepressants work. Mood stabilizers work. A physician will have a better sense of what might work for you
posted by J. Wilson at 1:22 PM on November 6, 2010
Trust all of us who tell you it does get better. We've either been in a similar place or know people who have. All of us are hoping you feel better soon.
posted by mareli at 1:24 PM on November 6, 2010
posted by mareli at 1:24 PM on November 6, 2010
>But I feel ashamed for my outburst.
Please try to go easy on judging yourself; shame is a waste of your energy. You're going through a rough patch; it's a natural, human thing. If you wait it out, one day it will get better; and you deserve kindness in the meantime.
Outbursts are a natural response to emotional distress.
If you had a sprained ankle, you probably wouldn't feel ashamed of having a limp, would you? It's kinda the same thing.
Take care; I hope you're feeling better.
posted by pseudostrabismus at 2:30 PM on November 6, 2010 [2 favorites]
Please try to go easy on judging yourself; shame is a waste of your energy. You're going through a rough patch; it's a natural, human thing. If you wait it out, one day it will get better; and you deserve kindness in the meantime.
Outbursts are a natural response to emotional distress.
If you had a sprained ankle, you probably wouldn't feel ashamed of having a limp, would you? It's kinda the same thing.
Take care; I hope you're feeling better.
posted by pseudostrabismus at 2:30 PM on November 6, 2010 [2 favorites]
I don't have much to add, but I just wanted to tell the poster to look at all these people who came and answered you because they know about where you're coming from and care enough to try and help. I realize it probably doesn't help much but it's something.
my main issue is feeling like a failure, having never found my footing after college and six years after graduation still totally lacking in professional prospects/life direction
Forget about your successes or failures for a moment and ask yourself if there's anything you love… love to do, love to see, love to hear, love to eat… just something that makes you happy? Go find that thing, and be that thing or do that thing or hear that thing or eat that thing and let yourself be happy for a bit.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 2:31 PM on November 6, 2010 [1 favorite]
my main issue is feeling like a failure, having never found my footing after college and six years after graduation still totally lacking in professional prospects/life direction
Forget about your successes or failures for a moment and ask yourself if there's anything you love… love to do, love to see, love to hear, love to eat… just something that makes you happy? Go find that thing, and be that thing or do that thing or hear that thing or eat that thing and let yourself be happy for a bit.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 2:31 PM on November 6, 2010 [1 favorite]
I know a great therapist in Minneapolis; memail me for name/contact info.
posted by enzymatic at 2:57 PM on November 6, 2010
posted by enzymatic at 2:57 PM on November 6, 2010
This might seem completely out of left field, but try eating more animal fat. Low-fat diets can cause or worsen depression, and vegetable oils are very bad for other reasons so those are out.
posted by Earl the Polliwog at 3:35 PM on November 6, 2010
posted by Earl the Polliwog at 3:35 PM on November 6, 2010
Seconding a robot's suggestion of inpatient work. A suicidal friend just came back from such a program and now wholeheartedly recommends everyone get locked up for 30 days.
You'll have to be careful about insurance, though - a lot of the stuff they cover is based on crisis intervention, which doesn't really do much in the long term. But if you can figure out a way to make it work, go for it!
posted by soma lkzx at 4:33 PM on November 6, 2010
You'll have to be careful about insurance, though - a lot of the stuff they cover is based on crisis intervention, which doesn't really do much in the long term. But if you can figure out a way to make it work, go for it!
posted by soma lkzx at 4:33 PM on November 6, 2010
I've been on both sides of this -- had severe depression and also worked on a crisis hotline for the better part of a year. What everyone has been saying is right -- it's the job of the hotline volunteer to help you through that moment of absolute torment before you might make a life threatening choice -- we were very specifically trained for that purpose and that purpose only-- and they are not there to provide long term care or help you make progress of any kind. Memail me if you want to know any more, but it's kind of the point that there are specific boundaries to the volunteer post on a crisis hotline.
As to the larger problem, it is great that you called the hotline, wrote to us here, and are trying to make therapy work. I got past the terrible place with my own depression but it WAS SO HARD. I lost friends, I got new friends, I lost jobs, I got new jobs, I have a weirder relationship with my family. I spent a year or more thinking every day about how to make myself better, and I still wasn't feeling like I was getting better, despite having a fantastic therapist who was and is so supportive and helped so so much.
Once I had an eye injury and had to go to the eye doctor every few weeks for months, and every time he would get out his big machine and look at my eye and say, "well, it's a little better." And I found it so frustrating ( it was a torn cornea) because injuries like this often take weeks to heal and here I was on months. And the previous eye doctors I'd seen had just kind of shrugged me off, despite the fact that I was in pain and my sight was blurry and I had panic attacks because my brain couldn't make sense of what it was seeing.
I expressed this frustration to my new doc and he just said, "some people just take longer. You'll get there. It'll be slow but your body knows what to do."
Then finally one appointment I had noticed my sight was a LOT better, and my doctor confirmed after looking at my eye with the big machine, and we were beaming at each other, and three weeks later I didn't have any of those appointments to go to any more.
It's the SAME with depression. Some people are slow healers. Sometimes it just takes a lot of work and costs a lot ( time, money, relationships, whatever). But your body knows what to do. Do the work, stay strong and you will get better. My heart goes out to you.
posted by sweetkid at 5:25 PM on November 6, 2010 [4 favorites]
As to the larger problem, it is great that you called the hotline, wrote to us here, and are trying to make therapy work. I got past the terrible place with my own depression but it WAS SO HARD. I lost friends, I got new friends, I lost jobs, I got new jobs, I have a weirder relationship with my family. I spent a year or more thinking every day about how to make myself better, and I still wasn't feeling like I was getting better, despite having a fantastic therapist who was and is so supportive and helped so so much.
Once I had an eye injury and had to go to the eye doctor every few weeks for months, and every time he would get out his big machine and look at my eye and say, "well, it's a little better." And I found it so frustrating ( it was a torn cornea) because injuries like this often take weeks to heal and here I was on months. And the previous eye doctors I'd seen had just kind of shrugged me off, despite the fact that I was in pain and my sight was blurry and I had panic attacks because my brain couldn't make sense of what it was seeing.
I expressed this frustration to my new doc and he just said, "some people just take longer. You'll get there. It'll be slow but your body knows what to do."
Then finally one appointment I had noticed my sight was a LOT better, and my doctor confirmed after looking at my eye with the big machine, and we were beaming at each other, and three weeks later I didn't have any of those appointments to go to any more.
It's the SAME with depression. Some people are slow healers. Sometimes it just takes a lot of work and costs a lot ( time, money, relationships, whatever). But your body knows what to do. Do the work, stay strong and you will get better. My heart goes out to you.
posted by sweetkid at 5:25 PM on November 6, 2010 [4 favorites]
It absolutely can get better. You haven't clicked with a therapist yet. This happens all the time -- it doesn't mean your depression is uncurable, it means you need to visit more therapists. It will be a pain in the ass but it is doable.
Imagine looking at a group of strangers on the bus, at the mall, whatever. Imagine you could press a button and a pink light would come on over the head of everybody who was suicidal at one point in their life and isn't any more. You would be astonished at the number of pink lights. Astonished. Seriously. There are so many people. They just don't talk about it, so you don't know. But it absolutely can get better and there are people in this thread who are living proof.
posted by selfmedicating at 5:53 PM on November 6, 2010
Imagine looking at a group of strangers on the bus, at the mall, whatever. Imagine you could press a button and a pink light would come on over the head of everybody who was suicidal at one point in their life and isn't any more. You would be astonished at the number of pink lights. Astonished. Seriously. There are so many people. They just don't talk about it, so you don't know. But it absolutely can get better and there are people in this thread who are living proof.
posted by selfmedicating at 5:53 PM on November 6, 2010
I consider myself very fortunate never to have experienced serious, suicidal depression. But in my experiences with depression, I know I found it to be very desolate and draining to go through on a daily basis. I'm very thankful that I found a couple of incredible resources that armed with me some very powerful ideas, which have helped me immensely on the occasions when depression has threatened to come back. This book and the talks on this page(which can be downloaded as MP3 files) changed my life.
posted by Ryogen at 9:41 PM on November 6, 2010
posted by Ryogen at 9:41 PM on November 6, 2010
From my own experiences:
Since you have insurance now, you should go see your regular doctor and ask her/him for a referral to a psychiatrist and psychologist/counsellor. I had tried the pick-a-shrink-out-of-a-hat thing and, like you, found it unrewarding. However, my doctor was able to refer me to a friend from medical school, who worked in a practice that also had a therapist I got along with.
There are many different types of therapy. You might read about them and see which works best for you.
I think you're actually right that no one else is going to be able to "cure" you of depression; instead, it's something you work at with mental health professionals. My experience has been that they helped me to help myself, which wound up being a very empowering feeling for me.
Good luck and take care of yourself.
posted by lhp81 at 9:53 PM on November 6, 2010
Since you have insurance now, you should go see your regular doctor and ask her/him for a referral to a psychiatrist and psychologist/counsellor. I had tried the pick-a-shrink-out-of-a-hat thing and, like you, found it unrewarding. However, my doctor was able to refer me to a friend from medical school, who worked in a practice that also had a therapist I got along with.
There are many different types of therapy. You might read about them and see which works best for you.
I think you're actually right that no one else is going to be able to "cure" you of depression; instead, it's something you work at with mental health professionals. My experience has been that they helped me to help myself, which wound up being a very empowering feeling for me.
Good luck and take care of yourself.
posted by lhp81 at 9:53 PM on November 6, 2010
Nthing meds (from a good psychiatrist) and possibly an inpatient stay. I did my share of hospital time and they really did help.
I'd also recommend a peer support group. No, they are not substitutes for professional help. But they can help you keep that light at the end of the tunnel in view. I personally used the NAMI groups.
Please be kind to yourself and post an update if you can.
posted by kathrynm at 1:39 AM on November 7, 2010
I'd also recommend a peer support group. No, they are not substitutes for professional help. But they can help you keep that light at the end of the tunnel in view. I personally used the NAMI groups.
Please be kind to yourself and post an update if you can.
posted by kathrynm at 1:39 AM on November 7, 2010
My main issue is feeling like a failure, having never found my footing after college and six years after graduation still totally lacking in professional prospects/life direction.
This describes me perfectly, right down to the year. We are post-collegiate depression twins!
You don't mention medication in your post. I fought the idea of medication for more than a decade, until this last March when everything seemed impossible for me to do. Like, almost comically impossible. The act of going outside and interacting with people and having friends and engaging in hobbies were these extraordinary things that other people could do, and sometimes I couldn't even understand why they'd bother doing them, because it was so futile and ultimately pointless. In the rare moments when things sounded appealing, I found that I couldn't physically do them. It just wasn't in me. I could barely drag myself to my part-time job every day.
Finally I did something that I know other MeFites wouldn't recommend -- I scraped together the cost of a doctor's visit (no insurance), told my doctor how depressed I was, and accepted an anti-depressant prescription from her. I know the real procedure is to find a psychiatrist, especially if you have the insurance to cover it, but I couldn't handle the complexity of the task. She put me on a cheap generic and told me to keep in phone contact with her about the outcome.
The outcome was: holy fucking shit. When people say things like "depression is a weight," I thought they were being poetical. No: depression was an actual fucking weight that I didn't know I was carrying around. I used to hate myself for my habit of staying in bed as long as I could, even if I had gotten plenty of sleep the night before. It was just so hard to get up. Now, after a full night's sleep, I can just...get up. Like, it's not a thing anymore. I can just stand up and get out of bed and go on with my life. It made me realize that I was not some alien outsider, fundamentally different from those extraordinary people who performed feats like "getting up to make breakfast." I had just been trying to do it with a sixteen-ton weight around my neck, and then wondering why I wasn't having the same success as them.
It wasn't a magical solve-all-problems bullet. I'm still underemployed, I still have financial issues, and I still have some social anxiety. But the difference is, these problems are approachable now. They are no longer so complex that I can't see where I'm supposed to start. And in the meantime, my life is awesome. Like, sometimes I'll just sit around thinking, "holy crap, my life is awesome." I don't hide from my friends' phone calls anymore. I can go out and do things spontaneously. I can have conversations with people I've just met, without feeling like I have nothing to offer because my life is so limited in scope.
If you're not on medication right now, I really, really encourage you to give it a try. You have insurance, and you've shown the wherewithal to seek out assistance from multiple sources -- the opportunity is right there in front of you. If it doesn't work, you can always chalk it up to a noble failure and stop. But if it works, the rewards are so, so immense.
posted by brookedel at 2:34 AM on November 7, 2010 [5 favorites]
This describes me perfectly, right down to the year. We are post-collegiate depression twins!
You don't mention medication in your post. I fought the idea of medication for more than a decade, until this last March when everything seemed impossible for me to do. Like, almost comically impossible. The act of going outside and interacting with people and having friends and engaging in hobbies were these extraordinary things that other people could do, and sometimes I couldn't even understand why they'd bother doing them, because it was so futile and ultimately pointless. In the rare moments when things sounded appealing, I found that I couldn't physically do them. It just wasn't in me. I could barely drag myself to my part-time job every day.
Finally I did something that I know other MeFites wouldn't recommend -- I scraped together the cost of a doctor's visit (no insurance), told my doctor how depressed I was, and accepted an anti-depressant prescription from her. I know the real procedure is to find a psychiatrist, especially if you have the insurance to cover it, but I couldn't handle the complexity of the task. She put me on a cheap generic and told me to keep in phone contact with her about the outcome.
The outcome was: holy fucking shit. When people say things like "depression is a weight," I thought they were being poetical. No: depression was an actual fucking weight that I didn't know I was carrying around. I used to hate myself for my habit of staying in bed as long as I could, even if I had gotten plenty of sleep the night before. It was just so hard to get up. Now, after a full night's sleep, I can just...get up. Like, it's not a thing anymore. I can just stand up and get out of bed and go on with my life. It made me realize that I was not some alien outsider, fundamentally different from those extraordinary people who performed feats like "getting up to make breakfast." I had just been trying to do it with a sixteen-ton weight around my neck, and then wondering why I wasn't having the same success as them.
It wasn't a magical solve-all-problems bullet. I'm still underemployed, I still have financial issues, and I still have some social anxiety. But the difference is, these problems are approachable now. They are no longer so complex that I can't see where I'm supposed to start. And in the meantime, my life is awesome. Like, sometimes I'll just sit around thinking, "holy crap, my life is awesome." I don't hide from my friends' phone calls anymore. I can go out and do things spontaneously. I can have conversations with people I've just met, without feeling like I have nothing to offer because my life is so limited in scope.
If you're not on medication right now, I really, really encourage you to give it a try. You have insurance, and you've shown the wherewithal to seek out assistance from multiple sources -- the opportunity is right there in front of you. If it doesn't work, you can always chalk it up to a noble failure and stop. But if it works, the rewards are so, so immense.
posted by brookedel at 2:34 AM on November 7, 2010 [5 favorites]
You will want to read this thread.
Don't skip the update from the OP, at the bottom.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 2:44 PM on November 7, 2010 [3 favorites]
Don't skip the update from the OP, at the bottom.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 2:44 PM on November 7, 2010 [3 favorites]
You're not the only one who can help yourself. Far from it, in fact. with most people, the ones who truly do need help, they, themselves, are the last people who can do anything about it. It seems to me that your main problem is stability. You need a therapist, a doctor, a social worker, someone who you can create an effective, long lasting bond with. I know being in and out of work makes that hard, since your insurance fluctuates. So try finding a professional who you can afford without insurance; who, instead, has a sliding pay scale. And find one you like. Don't settle. Of all the things in the world, professional help is at the top of the list of things you don't wanna settle on.
You need to build up these relationships while you're at least mildly stable, too. A lot of the problem seems to be that you're hitting rock bottom, THEN looking for help, and finding that all the help you can get has no foundation of a relationship. So, start now. Find a therapist, message board, even, and talk. Build a relationship.
Good luck.
posted by shesaysgo at 4:50 PM on November 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
You need to build up these relationships while you're at least mildly stable, too. A lot of the problem seems to be that you're hitting rock bottom, THEN looking for help, and finding that all the help you can get has no foundation of a relationship. So, start now. Find a therapist, message board, even, and talk. Build a relationship.
Good luck.
posted by shesaysgo at 4:50 PM on November 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
I just noticed the title of the question: "does therapy actually work for depression?" And the answer is, Yes, it does. But it takes a lot of effort and a lot of looking to find the right person to talk to. It's almost like finding your soulmate/life partner. It's that specific, and that need-based. Just keep looking.
posted by shesaysgo at 4:53 PM on November 7, 2010
posted by shesaysgo at 4:53 PM on November 7, 2010
I had a similar problem. I got out of school, tried to find work in my chosen field, couldn't and stagnated for a while after college. It's not unusual. There are so many people like this.
However, like you, I was paralyzed and felt like a failure. I was sure I was too old, that it was too late, that I had basically blown it. That couldn't be further from the truth. The truth is you are still young, full of promise, and can still do pretty much anything you want.
If I were you I would:
A: Get a prescription for some anti-depressants. While using them, get on a serious exercise regimen while completing the following steps.
B: Talk to career counselors at a local college. This is usually free. There are so many jobs and opportunities out there that you've never thought of or heard about before. Don't rule out going back to school (as I did) because you are "too old". Also, consider things you simply never thought of doing before, like becoming an architect. I have an architect friend who says he was attracted to the job because he wanted to do something he had never thought about doing before. Finally, don't rule out professions you think may be out of your grasp like "doctor" or "lawyer". Just look into what they entail.
C: If there's a "Five O' Clock" club in your area, go. These are support groups for people looking for work. When I was depressed like you, I found I related to the people in this group more than anyone in therapy. These folks are from all walks of life and all ages, often have outdated or irrelevant skills, and need to think about how to restart. Seeing other people in your situation helps. It puts things in perspective. These are also usually free. They also have books on finding work, which are excellent.
D: Talk to your therapist directly about your feelings regarding milquetoast responses. This is not an unusual feeling. First, a lot of therapy is oriented toward being contemplative, rational, objective, etc. In cognitive behavioral therapy this would be to get you to re-examine statements like "I am too old to start a career". Really? Is that logical? What makes you say that? Then chase down that chain of thought. The suicide hotline responders are really in a tough position too. That job is like walking a high wire strewn with glass. Almost any reaction can get a negative response. Also, unfortunately, those phones are manned often by inexperienced volunteers.
If you'd like to talk to me about my own experiences and yours memail me. If you're like me, your situation seems impossible right now, but I promise you it's not.
posted by xammerboy at 10:12 AM on November 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
However, like you, I was paralyzed and felt like a failure. I was sure I was too old, that it was too late, that I had basically blown it. That couldn't be further from the truth. The truth is you are still young, full of promise, and can still do pretty much anything you want.
If I were you I would:
A: Get a prescription for some anti-depressants. While using them, get on a serious exercise regimen while completing the following steps.
B: Talk to career counselors at a local college. This is usually free. There are so many jobs and opportunities out there that you've never thought of or heard about before. Don't rule out going back to school (as I did) because you are "too old". Also, consider things you simply never thought of doing before, like becoming an architect. I have an architect friend who says he was attracted to the job because he wanted to do something he had never thought about doing before. Finally, don't rule out professions you think may be out of your grasp like "doctor" or "lawyer". Just look into what they entail.
C: If there's a "Five O' Clock" club in your area, go. These are support groups for people looking for work. When I was depressed like you, I found I related to the people in this group more than anyone in therapy. These folks are from all walks of life and all ages, often have outdated or irrelevant skills, and need to think about how to restart. Seeing other people in your situation helps. It puts things in perspective. These are also usually free. They also have books on finding work, which are excellent.
D: Talk to your therapist directly about your feelings regarding milquetoast responses. This is not an unusual feeling. First, a lot of therapy is oriented toward being contemplative, rational, objective, etc. In cognitive behavioral therapy this would be to get you to re-examine statements like "I am too old to start a career". Really? Is that logical? What makes you say that? Then chase down that chain of thought. The suicide hotline responders are really in a tough position too. That job is like walking a high wire strewn with glass. Almost any reaction can get a negative response. Also, unfortunately, those phones are manned often by inexperienced volunteers.
If you'd like to talk to me about my own experiences and yours memail me. If you're like me, your situation seems impossible right now, but I promise you it's not.
posted by xammerboy at 10:12 AM on November 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
And please write to the Mod and let us know how you're doing!
posted by xammerboy at 10:19 AM on November 8, 2010
posted by xammerboy at 10:19 AM on November 8, 2010
Yes please let us know how you are doing! My best friend from childhood suffers from severe depression and often talks to me about her suicidal ideation. She often tells me that she thinks that her family and friends including me would be better off without her. I do not feel that way AT ALL. There is no one in this world that can replace her to me. She apologizes every time she tells me she is not feeling better today, and I just want to hug her because I wish I could impart how much I don't mind and how much I love her. The only thing I can try to encourage her to do is to not give up. I tell her giving up just isn't an option. I tell her that I don't know why she is going through this, but that maybe someday she can use this experience to help others. She is one of the strongest people I know.
posted by heatherly at 11:51 AM on November 8, 2010
posted by heatherly at 11:51 AM on November 8, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by patheral at 9:29 AM on November 6, 2010 [1 favorite]