Late twenties female, sexually inexperienced, who is currently in graduate school with limited time for a committed relationship- would like to find a casual sex partner. How to do this?

November 27, 2012 8:48 AM

Late twenties female, sexually inexperienced, who is currently in graduate school with limited time for a committed relationship- would like to find a casual sex partner. How to do this?

I'm a 29 year old female who is in graduate school. I'm attractive, and fit. I grew up in a conservative household and held long standing religious beliefs which stopped me from having sex. I've dated quite a bit for the past two years with different men through the internet, but I've come to a point where I've just realized that I just want to find a sex partner to explore that side of myself with. School keeps me pretty preoccupied which is another reason why I don't feel like at this point, I can put in the energy into a committed relationship. At certain points I felt guilty for wanting a sex partner or a friends with benefits type of deal, but I've just been so sexually repressed for too long to really care anymore. I've changed a lot too with my beliefs and I've realized that I'm just ready to have sex. The problem is, I not only don't know how to find someone to have sex with but I don't know how to go about doing this. I went through previous questions similar to this - and went on OK cupid to search for potential partners. However, I want someone who will teach me how to have good sex and someone I actually can like and respect. I don't want a deep emotional connection or some type of commitment where we call or hang out a lot, but something where we both understand our lives our busy and we both do our own thing, but set aside time to just have sex. I also hope the person would respect my privacy and not try to take advantage of me etc. Ideally, this would be in a relationship but after going on dates and dating other men, I just realized I'm tired with the fluff - and I know school has been a barrier in some ways to actually cultivating something more.


I actually don't know how to start a conversation or lead one to where we both acknowledge that we just want casual sex. I also want to find someone that I actually like and have to not worry too much about STDs or dramma. I guess this may be too ideal by all the things I have described and I know I'm being picky - but I'd like some tips or a start on how to go about doing this. If anyone has any tips or can share experiences to help me at least start on where I would like to go, then that would be great.

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (17 answers total)

I have had friends who've had very good luck finding what you're looking for on Craig's List Casual Encounters. As an attractive young female you will have many options and can spell out exactly what you're looking for. It may take a few tries to find someone who's looking for the same thing and also meshes well with you, but harnessing the power of the internet gives you way more options and allows the awkward conversations to happen largely online instead of in person. You'll want to use a throw-away email, though, as you'll get lots of responses if you post something yourself (and will want to protect your identity).

Alternately, pre-internet, I knew folks who were successful finding this sort of thing by talking to their friends and seeing if they had any recommendations for suitable partners.
posted by ldthomps at 8:57 AM on November 27, 2012 [3 favorites]

I know you said you had an OKCupid profile, but what did it say? Did it say essentially what you said in your post here? If not, just try being honest about your needs and situation in a profile. You will undoubtedly have to slog through lots and lots of unwanted messages from creepy dudes, but there might be a gem in there. Just make sure that if you choose to meet someone, do it in public and maybe go out a few times before having sex so you can trust and feel comfortable with them.
posted by greta simone at 8:58 AM on November 27, 2012 [1 favorite]

You should be looking for a Player. They know what they are doing. They can teach you a lot. They are up for casual sex. They don't need a commitment or emotional attachment. They know how to keep their mouth shut.

Downside: STD is a potential risk. He probably won't be faithful.

I don't know how you get yourself introduced to a Player as a Player (i.e. "Hi. This is my friend Joe. He's a Player.") They tend to be habitual liars and try to keep their highly sexed lives on the downlow. So they don't typically advertise their Player status. Maybe someone else can tell you how to arrange an intro.
posted by Michele in California at 9:01 AM on November 27, 2012

Hate to break it to you, but there is no point in your life where you will not have to worry about STDs. I say this having known several women who got STDs from their partners when they thought they were in committed monogamous relationships.

Any kind of casual thing just increases the odds. Have safer sex.

As for how to find someone interested in something similar there are two ways: either approach someone in real life you think might be interested in something similar and lay all your cards on the table, or put up and ad online and lay all your cards on the table craigslist, okcupid, etc. If you put an ad up you will be overwhelmed by the ick you have to wade through, I guarantee it, but you will eventually find what you're looking for and in some senses it will feel less risky than approaching someone you know.
posted by thelastcamel at 9:09 AM on November 27, 2012 [2 favorites]

Seconding that you should basically say what you said here on OKCupid. And that you should for sure look for someone you can trust and feel comfortable with, and not someone who is a 'player' and lies to people to sleep with them.
posted by Jairus at 9:09 AM on November 27, 2012 [3 favorites]

Put this on your OKCupid profile: "Looking for a 'friend with benefits' who wants what I want---a low-drama, mutually fulfilling sexual relationship."
posted by Sidhedevil at 9:20 AM on November 27, 2012 [9 favorites]

Do you have a co-op type sex store near you like Good Vibrations or Good for her? They often offer workshops. Or even a group on campus that focuses on sexuality like a LGBT group that is a way to meet people (even if they are the wrong orientation they probably have friends...)

Seconding that you need to educate yourself about STDs. There is currently NO protection for all STDs/STIs and the protection that exists is not 100% guaranteed to work every time.

You don't sound picky at all to me; feel empowered to make the choice that works best for you.
posted by saucysault at 9:22 AM on November 27, 2012

Response by poster: Do you have any male graduate student friends? Not necessarily in your program (that could get messy) but at your school? If you are attractive then it is highly likely your male friends want to bang you. You could try approaching one who is attractive and seems sensitive.
posted by Anonymous at 9:26 AM on November 27, 2012

I've had a casual sex partner like this. She was simply passed to me as a reference from a friend. "So and so is too much for me too handle on my own, can you help out?"

Sorry that sounds so detached. It really wasn't. She was a friend of a friend, and had full control over whether she was interested in being "passed" to me.

I had a couple year relationship with her, we'd meet weekly for sex. Sometimes, not even half the time, we'd go out for dinner before or after. We were friendly, but not on any kind of relationship track, by mutual choice. Eventually, as these things do, it ended without acrimony. I had a lot of great sex, she was happy, and we both got what we wanted.

My suggestion is to ask around with friends. You might be surprised. There are others in your situation, and sometimes as in my case, it works out fine.
posted by Invoke at 9:29 AM on November 27, 2012 [5 favorites]

Seconding Invoke's advice to look for a friend to make into a FWB... except: almost invariably, one of the two starts to fall for the other. It doesn't have to be ruinous to either friendship or funtimes, but it usually happens.

And, as someone who's new to sex play, you're fairly likely to fall. Just be clear about this possibility.
posted by IAmBroom at 9:39 AM on November 27, 2012

You can never stop worrying about STDs. There is a reason my married Mormon friends in their mid 30s all get tested for STDs every time they get pregnant.

If you insist on going the casual sex route, I recommend you try and get involved with someone who is not in your circle of friends, but is someone one of your friends knows. This balances drama and safety factors as best as you're likely to get.

I don't recommend using OKCupid or Craigslist. You will be flooded with a ridiculous amount of nonsense, far in excess (in terms of frustration) of the fluff you get from two or three early dates with a specific individual. I get tons of crap from clueless "SLEEP WITH ME YO" idiots on OKCupid - using a profile that says I'm Mormon, won't have sex till I get married, weigh twice as much as said idiots, am almost twice as old as said idiots, and have a large facial birthmark.

Learn a lot more about STDs, in any case. They are not fun, some can make you infertile, and there are strains of the "boring" ones that are borderline incurable.

I suspect you're going to find this is significantly less fulfilling/satisfying than you are hoping it will be. You're saying that you feel guilty at times for wanting unattached sex, and that your primary thought is that you "just want to have sex." Having a long-term relationship may seem hard right now. But given your background and the miscellaneous comments you're making in this post, I really, really, really think you need to consider making finding a long-term relationship your priority, and ask that question - the one about making an long-term relationship happen - next week.
posted by SMPA at 9:39 AM on November 27, 2012 [8 favorites]

Like others suggested, I suggest being upfront and explicit about what you want and all your terms and conditions. I would suggest a pre-interview casual date type experience to guage whether the person gives you an uncomfortable queasy feeling in which case you can stop it right there.

Personally, I have found that men like the rules up front so that way there are no games to be played. I have been brutally honest and had no problems as a result.

I don't know if you're open to being with women either (wasn't clear from your post), but I don't have suggestions on that subject.
posted by bkpr at 10:26 AM on November 27, 2012

Well, my clarification was deleted. Let me put that another way: You want someone who fits both criteria of being up for casual sex and also discrete. By definition, this person will be hard to ID.

If they wear it (their casual sleeping around) on their sleeve and everyone and his brother knows, then the odds are poor your privacy will be respected. If they are actually acting with discretion, you and other people should find it somewhat surprising to learn he gets around as much as he does. That fact should be obvious on the face of it.

If you are fundamentally uncomfortable with the level of deception this entails socially, you might want to rethink your goal here. Most people pull this off in part by lying. Secret sexual arrangements and upfront honest Joe don't really mesh that well. Even if you never actually lie, I assure you if you manage to keep a secret of this sort, some folks will feel they were "lied to" due to the disconnect between your public personae and your private behavior. I got over my own discomfort with that fact. If that's a showstopper for you, as at least one other person suggested, you should shoot for a boyfriend instead.

I hope that is clearer.
posted by Michele in California at 12:20 PM on November 27, 2012

OkCupid is a reasonable place to look if you are honest about what you want. You might want to try expanding your acceptable age range. I have been in relationships like this, and it's not hard to have discretion if there are no social overlaps. An age difference is another way to achieve this. An older guy might offer you the experience you require and might be patient with you as a lover rather than trying to convince you to be a mate.
PM me if you'd like tips on having that conversation, it wont be as hard as you think.
posted by OHenryPacey at 1:37 PM on November 27, 2012

Guys your own age and social class won't be interested for a variety of reasons. Your best bet would be to focus on men in the 45-50 year old range. They know you won't be around forever but will treat you fairly for the time being. Good luck!
posted by 99percentfake at 1:54 PM on November 27, 2012

Also: having a committed relationship needn't be a huge time sink, and isn't necessarily incompatible with a busy grad school schedule. You and your partner get to define the terms of engagement...which could mean being monogamous while spending limited time together.

I'd expand on this to say that when I was in grad school, I saw people have pretty much every relationship permutation (it was a very intense and insular environment, so one tended to know a lot of details about people's relationships, much more than I know about my current coworkers' relationships for example). I saw all kinds of friends with benefits situations (from multiple partners to monogamous-but-casual), as well as all kinds of relationships that were explicitly set up with grad school as the central focus (both with fellow students as well as with non-students).

The point being, I can guarantee that people around you are doing variations of what you are considering, whether or not they are talking about it. What you want is really pretty normal and won't be considered outlandish if you put it in an online dating ad or talked about it with guys on dates -- not everyone is going to want that kind of relationship, but it isn't some totally crazy idea either. So I want to second the advice above to be clear and upfront about what you are looking for, whether you are finding the prospective partners online or in person. If you don't ask, you won't get.
posted by Forktine at 4:50 PM on November 27, 2012 [1 favorite]

Get on CL casual encounters. Look for a professional man 30-50 who is getting divorced.
posted by Protocols of the Elders of Sockpuppetry at 6:55 PM on November 28, 2012