How long does it take for you (or your partner) to come from fellatio?

November 10, 2012 8:48 AM

How long does it take for you (or your partner) to come from fellatio? I want to find out if the time frame with my partner is in the normal range or not.

Fellatio is my partner's favorite thing, but he has never come from it with me. We usually do it for 15 to 25 minutes with no result, and then move on to something else. A few times I have kept going for 30-40 minutes, before finally giving up out of frustration. It's demoralizing for me to keep going and going and going and have nothing change (he says he's "almost there" from about minute 2 onward), and it makes me feel bad to give up after a while (when my mouth starts to hurt, usually) and see the crestfallen look on his face. After what point in time can I tell myself I've given a good faith effort, and move on to other things?

We are in our early 20s, and neither of us have fellatio experience with another partner, so neither of us have a frame of reference. Secondary to my question about time, is there anywhere I can go to find out how to do fellatio better? (I'm in Rockland County, New York, but would be happy to make a trip--several trips--to New York City to get beyond this. I want to make sure I'm doing everything I can before asking my boyfriend to change anything he's doing--it really is his favorite, favorite thing, and I want to be able to get him to come from it.)

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (35 answers total)

No such thing as normal. Some guys just don't. But try a little finger-ass play when he really seems to be close.
posted by Etrigan at 8:54 AM on November 10, 2012 [5 favorites]

Yea I wouldn't worry too much about normal.

Do you use your hands and mouth?

Have you talked to him about this at all? What does he say/think?

One more thing: Obviously he is enjoying it, so I wouldn't feel too terrible that he can't have an orgasm from oral (there are many women who enjoy oral but don't have an orgasm every time). Don't put too much pressure on him/you. Just try to have fun.
posted by murfed13 at 9:04 AM on November 10, 2012 [2 favorites]

That does seem a little long, from my experience anyhow. Maybe he can try masturbating a little bit in the middle to get himself close?

Or, have him go on a sex break for 3-5 days. No funtime, no jerking off, no cumming. Then give him a blow job, and see if that does the trick.
posted by Fig at 9:08 AM on November 10, 2012 [2 favorites]

For classes, you might check Babeland. They have 3 locations in NYC.
posted by murfed13 at 9:09 AM on November 10, 2012 [3 favorites]

I don't believe there is such as thing as a standard time-frame. Activities like this and how well they go depend on so many factors, both psychological and physical, that to compare your "achievements" to those of others, at least to me, seems like an open invitation for frustration on both ends.

I can only speak for myself, but having been on the receiving end, I can say that the more relaxed I am, the better I breathe, the results will be accordingly. If I have had a frustrating day at work, it may probably work less well. That is, if ejaculation is your main goal.(Hint; Tantra)

That being said, oral sex can be lots of fun too, even without orgasms, as long as it feels intimate.

For tips on how to it better, give it a thought to find out what medium you like. Some watch erotic instruction video's, others read books. After you have determined what it is you're looking for, Google is your friend.

But there must be at least one potential expert that only you have access to; your partner. In my experience, every partner that I openly talked to about my sex life and desires, has reacted on that very well and I am happy that many of them are still a part of my life. It has improved mine and their sex life in ways we could not have imagined.

Vice versa, these partners have also helped me a great deal, by explaining and commenting on the process of cunnelingus. Openess, willingness to learn. But most of all, respect, love and a genuine desire to please your partner should get you pretty far already.
posted by stthspl at 9:11 AM on November 10, 2012

While, of course, it varies from man to man, IME and from what I've heard it is often difficult for men to achieve orgasm during fellatio. Please do keep in mind that sex is more than orgasm, and that he doesn't have to come to really, honestly enjoy your efforts.

Since you're both new to the fun, here are some things you can try that might help:

- Use your hands. Make sure you've left saliva on the shaft and then jerk him off between sucks. This is how he gets himself off, and it works every time. When he says 'I'm close' look him in the eye and jerk him off.

- Use your lips. Put on your best duckface (pooch your lips out) and rub them on his shaft and the head of the penis. Kiss it. Wrap your lips around the shaft just past the head and tug gently back towards you. Also,

- Use your tongue. Flick it over the tip while you've got your lips around his shaft. Swirl it around the head. Lick it like an ice cream cone.

After what point in time can I tell myself I've given a good faith effort, and move on to other things?

This is a really difficult question to answer. There's no set time, the two of you just have to be able to communicate while you're having sex. When you get tired of fellatio, arrange it so you can speak clearly for a moment and say "I want you inside me". Clear communication of desire is highly arousing, and I don't think he'll be too crestfallen at that point.

is there anywhere I can go to find out how to do fellatio better?

Fellatio in porn is often gross and horrible, but not all of it.
posted by carsonb at 9:12 AM on November 10, 2012 [2 favorites]

To actually answer the question, yeah that seems a little long.
posted by werkzeuger at 9:12 AM on November 10, 2012 [2 favorites]

is he genitally intact? If so, be sure not to ignore the frenular tissue (google it). This can be stimulated by direct contact, but often simply gliding the skin up and down stimulates it due to the nerve endings there which respond to stretch.

If he's missing that tissue, I would highly recommend foreskin restoration, which has often been reported to greatly improve sensation and control over orgasm. In my own case, it revolutionized my sex life. While I never had problems cumming from oral (as I wasn't cut too tight, and still have some frenular tissue left), everything improved within a few days of using a restoration cone (google it). If he doesn't have enough slack skin to use a cone, the t-taping method works well until enough skin grows for a cone. Also, a quick fix is to get a manhood.
posted by spacediver at 9:17 AM on November 10, 2012 [3 favorites]

Long shot here, but certain medications can also cause the symptoms you describe. If he's on any of those, he can discuss this with his prescribing physician.
posted by radwolf76 at 9:20 AM on November 10, 2012 [1 favorite]

30-45 minutes does seems a bit long for you to do and for him to expect you to do.

Have you guys talked about this at all? So far, it seems as though you're trying everything under the sun, but what is he doing to help the process? He can't just sit there and do nothing while you ask the internet and plan on making trips to figure this out.

Is he relaxed? Is his mind on what you're doing? Does he masturbate a lot? If so, ask him to stop, so he become more sensitized to your mouth as opposed to his hand. This may take a few months.

Have you tried using oils or flavored KY and jacking him off as you use your mouth?

Have him try doing kegels, though I can't think of a particular reason why they should work. But every guy should be doing theym

You can stop doing it when you are no longer getting any pleasure from it. That goes for any sex act.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 9:21 AM on November 10, 2012 [7 favorites]

Yeah, that's pretty long, but some guys just can't orgasm from oral. He might also be on some medications that dampen orgasm, or he overdoes it on the masturbation side. Tell him to hold off for a week on the latter and promise him a surprise if he manages to stick to it.

What worked for me was this:

a) enthusiasm (built in, I love giving oral more than sex)
b) staying hydrated before hand so my mouth was always nice and wet
c) riling my partner up verbally before starting (ie teasing; sounds like you could use this one to your advantage since your guy favors fellatio so much)
d) rolling my knuckle hard against the perineum (go slow here, some guys get weird about their butts; if you get the okay, experiment with pressing all over this region as this is often super sensitive thanks to being near/below the prostate)
e) doing regular oral for like 5 minutes, then focusing exclusively on the head by getting it really wet. My ex went nuts if I made a ring with my thumb and forefinger, kept it at the base of his shaft next to my lips, then whipped it firmly over his head just as my mouth left his entire penis (then I'd reverse it). Then I'd just repeat the same motion over and over on just the head by sucking/removing my mouth and squeezing my finger ring over the head until he came.

My ex and I were very, very open with one another about what we liked and didn't like, and that communication level made things very enjoyable for us. Whatever you do, don't feel like this is something on you -- it's not.
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 9:23 AM on November 10, 2012 [3 favorites]

Are you stimulating him in conjunction? He may just be enjoying it so much that he can't let go. Have you tried fondling him and or using your hand on his shaft? If you can distract him with something else, he may be able to relax and ejaculate quicker. There are many websites that you can find. I have found the gay men sites for sex to be more helpful in the department of how to give pleasure to a man.
posted by Yellow at 9:30 AM on November 10, 2012

It's almost impossible for me to finish from oral. I can count on one hand the number of times it's happened in 27 years of being sexually active. So not unique, anyways.
posted by phearlez at 9:52 AM on November 10, 2012 [4 favorites]

There would be absolutely nothing wrong with attending a class -- maybe together -- to learn about new techniques or new ways of communicating. Yeah, communication is great and necessary, but sometimes we don't have the words for what we want or what we want to do. So in addition to checking out Babeland, you might also create a FetLife account and see what TES or NYC TNG have to offer. They might indeed have a Fellatio 101 type lecture.

You could also consider taking some prana-focused yoga. It ... uh ... helps with the breathing aspect of things, which can otherwise be quite exhausting. Also be sure that you are in a good position that does not strain your neck. You can't go for thirty minutes at a time if you're twisted up like a pretzel.

And yes, forty-five minutes is probably too long on a regular basis. Seconding the advice to cut back on masturbation for awhile. Otherwise, and maybe this is too far, but: have you two ever tried any anal play? That might amp up the sensation a bit, though if you go there do be careful about cleaning up beforehand, using small toys to start -- and always toys designed specifically for anal play, and not confusing front and back if you choose to combine the two activities.
posted by KinkySockPuppet at 9:57 AM on November 10, 2012 [1 favorite]

I hope that in all of this you are getting some equivalent enjoyment - I've definitely been in relationship situations where I had to keep on doing [whatever] until I got tired/my jaw hurt/it become uncomfortable/I got terminally bored and unaroused....and there was absolutely no payoff for me. I tend to feel that if you're doing something until it is physically uncomfortable, it's very easy to get out of the "this is sex which is mutual and fun and both parties spend most of the time feeling physically good" and into the "this is something that I do to make my partner feel good but it is not a mutual experience - it's the equivalent of rubbing their back when they've strained a muscle". And while that's a very giving and charitable way to feel, it tends to be death on the sex drive after a while.

How does your boyfriend feel about the fact that you're spending so much time on something that is a bit one-sided? (I mean, it sounds from your question that this isn't your big turn-on - that would be totally different.)
posted by Frowner at 9:58 AM on November 10, 2012 [2 favorites]

To answer the first question, I'd say about 10 minutes, give or take, averaged across partners. 15 minutes is about my limit as far as how long I can keep going. What can I say? "I got a short little span of attention, and whoa, my nights are so long." If you are not using your hands a LOT, you should certainly try that. Although variety is good, my "let's wrap this up" technique is more like a strong hand job + mouth on top. Use of a neutral-tasting lube helps too (I prefer silicone lube for this purpose).

As with so many other things, what's depicted in porno is more about what looks visually stimulating to a male viewer than about what actually works.
posted by drlith at 10:06 AM on November 10, 2012 [3 favorites]

Sounds like a long time to me, yes. 30-40 mins: a very long time. If he's uncut - move his foreskin more or less as he would if masturbating (get him to show you if necessary), only difference being it's in your mouth. Hands: one on the shaft, pulling (or maybe sliding) up and down, one on his balls, maybe tugging them gently away from his body. Imagine, if you will, you are trying to "milk" him into your mouth.
posted by londongeezer at 10:13 AM on November 10, 2012

There's no book on fellatio

There are actually a bunch of how-to books, some just focused on oral and others general guides to sex. Plus of course there are gazillions of online how-to articles, videos, etc. There have been similar previous AskMes about this topic, too -- this is not an underdiscussed topic

Personally oral doesn't make me come, but it is fun. A lot of guys do come from it; there are other guys who don't even like it at all, and everything in between. Because people are so different, it's hard to say with confidence that if you do XYZ you will get a certain result. That said, I've definitely had bad blow jobs; even if he's not going to come from it, there are better and worse ways to go about the task. I've had partners that set out on the oral sex Bataan Death March and all that happens is we both get sore and frustrated.

One thing that does work for me (and from what I've read, many other people as well) is to start with oral, then switch to something that will actually a) lead towards orgasm and b) doesn't make her jaw sore, and then right before I come we switch back to oral for the orgasm. That "something else" in the middle can be anything -- your hands, his hands, intercourse, sex toys, whatever floats your boat at that moment and will lead to orgasm. It's a great way to take the pressure off and just enjoy things that feel good.

And like Frowner says, make sure this level of effort and commitment goes both ways, because that's how sex stays good.
posted by Forktine at 10:15 AM on November 10, 2012 [4 favorites]

It's definitely possible he just can't come with fellatio. But, you shouldn't need to take a class... just communicate with him and try new things! I have been personally success in such...breakthroughs... by just mixing up the "routine" and trying new mouth... things.

Above all else, don't let it stress you out! That makes it significantly less fun for all involved. Especially if you are both new to this, you aren't going to be perfect just starting out.
posted by two lights above the sea at 10:17 AM on November 10, 2012

Turn the light in the room on, set yourselves up in front of a mirror, and look at him in the eyes as you suck.

He'll release in no time.
posted by Kruger5 at 10:21 AM on November 10, 2012

Yes, it can be difficult to come from fellatio.

My ex-wife was terrific at it, really sent me to heaven, but I think I only managed to come once from it, and then only with terrific concentration. I would've been happy for her to carry on for 30 or 40 minutes, but that's a bit much for anyone.

Since then, I've known people who have happened to be able to make me come more easily - though still I've needed to put mental effort into it - but I wouldn't necessarily say that the experience was any better (or worse).

The pleasure gained from an experience isn't always measured by its efficiency in making a person come. My own hand could do the job in less than a minute if it tried, but I'd rather be doing something else. Likewise, you'll notice that even in porn, after all they've gone through, the men will usually finish themselves off in the end to some extent.
posted by cincinnatus c at 10:26 AM on November 10, 2012

Have you tried getting a bit rougher after 10 minutes or so of him on the edge? I don't mean trying to suck a golf-ball through a garden hose, but personally, I find that oral feels too "soft" most of the time - More like a really really awesome tickle than proper get-me-off activity.

Others have asked if you use your hands on the shaft at the same time - That helps a lot, if you don't.

Finally, don't minimize the fun of keeping him on the edge for half an hour then switching to cowgirl (or whatever favorite positions you have) - Though keep in mind he'll probably last only a few seconds that way (and let him know you realize that before-hand so he doesn't feel bad about it), so you'll either need to get your satisfaction first, or wait a while for him to recover. :)
posted by pla at 10:39 AM on November 10, 2012

I think it is very important that nobody take self-esteem cues from whether or not their partner comes.

Its him not you, many guys don't come from blow jobs.
posted by Ironmouth at 11:06 AM on November 10, 2012 [11 favorites]

It can be helpful to watch him masturbate, I think. I've noticed different partners definitely preferred different pressure, movement, etc. Also, it often seems to me to be more a measure of how relaxed and comfortable the guy is than anything I'm doing. I think it's also important that you're enjoying it, too. If you're not at any point, stop, do something else. In terms of length of time, I don't think I've ever done it that long...seems like it's usually just a few minutes, though obviously everyone's different. Out of curiosity, does he have any trouble during 'regular' sex?
posted by three_red_balloons at 11:19 AM on November 10, 2012

Coming from oral for me is a once in a blue moon thing. But it always happens when I've not had sex/oral/jerked off in at least a month. Under those conditions I can't last a few minutes from oral or vaginal or even a hand job.

When I'm getting more action it I can pop from oral if there lots of dirty talk, eye contact and use of hands. But even then it isn't guaranteed.

I've had many partners that want to blow me until I come but I know early on that it won't happen. Although getting my dick sucked for half an hour would be pleasurable even without the orgasm, I would never subject a woman to that. Some women feel they've let me down or failed in some way but it isn't the case. She could have the best skills in the world but it ain't gonna happen.

Personally I get off when she gets off so the beej turns into 69 which can sometimes put me over the edge. Or straight up cunnilingus while jerking it.

But these days the blow job is usually a prelude to intercourse. Or the surprise blow job doesn't have to end with an orgasm.

The perception that men all cum automatically from a few minutes of dick sucking probably comes from porn where they edit out the guy beating himself off like a fiend until he's ready to pop.
posted by birdherder at 11:45 AM on November 10, 2012 [3 favorites]

I saw this a few months ago on Reddit and thought it was wonderful advice (please don't kill me for linking Reddit). I do most of these things for my husband, but there were a couple tricks I didn't know!

*disclaimer; sorry the linking from my phone.

http://www.reddit.com/r/sex/comments/sw3tm/blowjobs_how_to_fuck_their_mind/
posted by Sweetmag at 12:30 PM on November 10, 2012 [1 favorite]

Your boyfriend gives you "crestfallen" looks after blowing him for 30 minutes? Can I kill him, or is there a line?

There's nothing abnormal or wrong going on here--except for everyone apparently feeling bad. Which is ridiculous! Anyway, if you WISH, try some stuff out. (You can pretty much do some googling for that; advice may vary from totally horrible to exactly what you need.) But I'm disappointed in your boyfriend.
posted by RJ Reynolds at 12:43 PM on November 10, 2012 [12 favorites]

He might not be able to come from blowjobs, and that's ok.

If you still want to try, I think some keys are: You can spend plenty of time licking and teasing (I kiss his stomach and thighs and really drag it out) and getting him to the edge, but once you are ready to get him off (10 or 15 minutes in, for me), you have to sort of get down to business.

Very wet. Use your hand (with your lips up against your mouth to form an extension of your mouth) especially at the end. When you want him to come, keep up a steady rhythm that mimics the rhythm of sex. Use your other hand to cup his testicles and press your knuckle into his prostate (above his perineum).

Porn blowjobs usually suck, but here is one that I find "inspirational" (NSFW link to straight-up porn). (Though the gagging/deep throating she does I don't enjoy at all). I'm assuming you've talked to him about this? Try watching a video like this with him, and ask him which techniques he thinks he would like - and then try them. (It will be a fun project!)
posted by amaire at 1:17 PM on November 10, 2012 [4 favorites]

The only times I cum from BJs is either when I haven't had any stimulation in weeks and weeks or when I was 18 with a virgin GF that only gave BJs.

Otherwise its great feeling but not enough to get "it" done.
posted by wcfields at 1:28 PM on November 10, 2012

With no difference in technique I've had partners never ever come from oral, to coming quickly. Your 'style' might not be a good fit. If he's saying 'close' from minute 2 though, he's probably not helping. He needs to be a little more honest about what's happening and what he needs if his goal is actually orgasming from oral.
posted by geek anachronism at 2:37 PM on November 10, 2012 [1 favorite]

Some guys can't "passively" orgasm. That is, without doing something, whether it's thrusting or jerking or some activity to sort of cue his brain, "YOU ARE HAVING SEX, PREPARE TO COME." Has he tried... to be indelicate, face-fucking you?
posted by Etrigan at 2:46 PM on November 10, 2012

Add a vibrator and lightly lube his ass and let things evolve from the possibilities adding that creates?
posted by Freedomboy at 10:34 PM on November 10, 2012

The The Hitachi Magic Wand Vibrating Muscle Massager is nice for dudes also.

And I just came a little too close to accidentally posting that as the answer to a different askme tab about coding...
posted by St. Sorryass at 4:05 AM on November 11, 2012 [2 favorites]

This varies massively, depending on the guy, the partner, the moment, the technique, the amount of booze previously consumed, how long a period of abstention has preceded it, how much general foreplay and arousal-inducing stuff has already, uh, gone down (sorry), the extent to which the recipient remains passive, and all sorts of other factors.

My best friend says he's never managed to come from oral, period. I sure as hell can, but not always, and the time it takes can vary from a minute or two (mood: crazy desperate lust) to maybe a quarter of an hour (mood: this is lovely but maybe that third martini wasn't such a good idea), although if it's taking that long we'd probably just do something else. One should not expect one's bed chum to have jaw muscles of steel. Thirty minutes is asking way too much of your stamina.
posted by Decani at 4:50 AM on November 11, 2012

Is he actually "almost there" at minute 2 or is he just saying that because it sounds like a good thing to say during sex? When my partner is about to come I try to keep a steady rhythm, going a little bit faster & harder than what I was doing before, and not change up what I'm doing. Every guy will vary but I've heard this is fairly standardish so it may be worth a try. (If he's just saying it, he needs to be more honest. It's not fair for him to expect you to get him off when he's feeding you bad cues about what gets him off.)

30-40 minutes is way beyond the call of duty IMO. I would say 10-15 is pretty normal for me. Rarely it starts dragging out to minute 20 and I have to stop because my jaw hurts too much to keep going. If we reach this point we usually just switch to something else, like PIV sex. (Again, I don't think it's fair for him to be "disappointed" when you've given a more-than-reasonable effort, to the point of physical pain. Have you asked him what exactly his expectations are here? If he thinks you should keep going until he comes, period, that's a little nuts when he doesn't even know if he can come from fellatio at all.)
posted by purplecrackers at 10:02 AM on November 11, 2012