You just like me 'cos I'm good in bed.

December 31, 2006 4:29 AM

Getting better in bed - how? NSFW inside...

I'm your average mid-20s hetero guy in a loving long-term relationship; the thing is that both of us are quite inexperienced in the fucking department, being late blooming nerds ... or maybe that's just me :). I've had only one previous partner, it was clear that she's had extensive experience and knew exactly what she was doing; she taught me all I know and I'm fairly sure I bored her to tears in bed. My current girlfriend got unlucky with her two previous partners and tells me I was the first not-a-showerhead to give her an orgasm.

She tells me I'm great in bed (probably helps that she always gets off) and I know she means it but I'm also fairly sure it's got a lot to do with her previous experiences being crap. We have frequent and good sex and are on great terms as partners. We've tried a bunch of positions, it all works rather well and we have our favourites. There's nothing wrong with our sex but there can always be better. What we want to know is how to get better - if we can spend our lives getting better at making each other happy, that's got to be good, right? At least a good step towards avoiding the dreaded bed-death, which we've managed so far.

I've spent many an hour browsing the "sex" and related tags on ask.mefi and have noted the many recommendations for the Guide to Getting It On so it's on its way from Amazon now. We're looking for suggestions of interesting things to try or perhaps something that can give us suggestions, like the aforementioned book.

So:
- do you have any specific suggestions for things you particularly enjoy? Suggestions from women are particularly welcome: I can ask my girlfriend what she'd like but that doesn't get me very far because she doesn't know what's possible either.
- what books/websites containing such suggestions have you previously found valuable?
- is it worth getting a copy of the Karma Sutra? I've seen illustrations of the positions on the internet and we've tried most of them.
- is it worth looking into Tantra?

To get some obvious answers out of the way first:
- I ain't pining for the ex. She was practised at creating some pretty intense sensations but still managed to make things pallid compared to what I have now. The ex is mentioned only because she is how I know how terribly inexperienced we are.
- The hot baths and massages are right up there - suggestions for similar activities are certainly welcome.
- My cunnilingus-fu is strong, even if I do say so myself... specific suggestions are definitely welcome though.
- I don't think we're looking for kinks, even if we're probably already felons in Alabama.
- Porn doesn't appeal to either of us
- We're certainly not looking for extreme suggestions like "get an apadravya" (ow!)

Those who wish to post anonymously, please email me at [e-mail] and I'll re-post such responses here unless you request otherwise because I'm sure they'll be useful to others.

Tell me how to make my girl squeal in delight, mefi :)

posted by Ultimate Sockpuppet the Second to human relations (19 comments total)

Hours of inspiration to be found here - http://www.sexuality.org/
posted by koahiatamadl at 4:40 AM on December 31, 2006

you are overthinking this - and that is exactly the problem. sex is supposed to be fun, it is all about exploring. the "getting the hang of it part" you are sweating is the best part of it all. watch the discovery channel, not porn websites. you're supposed to run around with a grin from ear to ear, saying things like "there is no way this will EVER work but wouldn't it be fun to do it upside down under water while having light matches in our ears?"

this is the time to experiment. to fail gloriously and remember it as a great ride. you have enough time to sweat when you're sixty. (that is so going to get me flamed from the geriatric crowd...)
posted by krautland at 4:44 AM on December 31, 2006 [1 favorite]

Be in the moment, not so preoccupied with "getting better." Talk, laugh, play, have fun together.
posted by Carol Anne at 5:51 AM on December 31, 2006

(probably helps that she always gets off)

You're doing damn fine if this part is covered. Sounds like you're overthinking it a bit, while closing yourself off to possibilities. You write that you're not looking for kinks, but what the hell, might as well try it, right, see if you like it. If you don't fine, but at least you've had the thrill of it. Rent Secretary. You say you're not into porn, but there's got to be some sexy movies ya'll will like. Try Good Vibrations for stuff that can appeal to men and women.

Also, if you want to the girl squeal, she's gotta have some suggestions or ideas. In your entire description, you didn't mention what her personality was, which might give clues as to what she would like.

As for a list of things to try:

A bit of ice cubes: run them along each other's body or suck on them to get the tongue cold before oral sex.

Do surprise stuff: Are you gonna paint a room? Do it in the nude. Have her greet you at the door with nothing but high heels and a smile.

Sex in the shower.

Long hot baths.

Bring a can of whipped creamed to bed, but DON'T tell her, just suddenly whip it out and spray.

Role play.

Try having sex at different times of the day. Come home for lunch for a quickie. Wake her up in the middle of the night. First thing in the morning, etc, etc,

Buy some toys. Lotions and potions, whips and chains, handcuffs, sexy underwear.

Anal sex.

Get each other off by masturbating each other. or masturbate in front of each other.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 6:51 AM on December 31, 2006

1) Stop thinking
2) Do whatever feels good at that moment.
3) Spontaneity. Grab your girlfriend, yank her pants down, and eat her out while she's, say, watching a movie.
4) New locations. The bed is not the only good place for sex. The kitchen floor can be great (just try not to look under the stove or fridge. I don't care if you're Martha fucking Stewart, there's going to be som gross shit under there). Not only is it spontaneous, you have cupboards and drawers full of all sorts of toys and additives handy.

Don't go for Tantra. Many, many people see Tantra as this 'awesome sex' tool. It's not. Tantra is a sacred practice for ocmmunig with the divine, and using it for something as banal as just having great sex is pretty offensive.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 7:15 AM on December 31, 2006 [1 favorite]

some comic inspiration
posted by phaedon at 7:58 AM on December 31, 2006

I'd like to provide some help, but the plain vanilla sex between my SO and I has been so good over the past year that ... well, *shrug*.

We do, however, do a bit of roleplay and some light bondage, so if that's your thing go for it. And since you already know the showerhead works, try combining different sensations...
posted by SpecialK at 8:57 AM on December 31, 2006

Boss her around a little bit. Order her to take her clothes off. Tell her to stand five feet from you, bend over and spread her ass cheeks. Improvise from there.

Spanking.

Escaped Convict and Warden's Wife

Pizza Delivery Guy (or, for extra bonus points, UPS guy, if that's one of her kinks) and Lonely Housewife

Ask her to masturbate in front of you. Watch how she touches herself--the motions, the rhythms she uses. Does she use a light touch or a heavier one. Does she alternate motions? Learn how she gets herself off -- her own unique patterns of pleasure -- and use that knowledge when you are getting her off. While you are watching her do this, kiss her lightly on the shoulders, or on her inner thighs and tell her how beautiful she looks right now.

Cultivate a sexy, flirtatious vibe in the non-bedroom areas of your relationship.

Communicate. Communicate. Communicate. Talk about what isn't working. Talk about what is.
posted by jason's_planet at 9:08 AM on December 31, 2006 [1 favorite]

Rather than thinking of certain positions or techniques, I'd suggest focusing on the quality or energy (for lack of a better word) of your interactions. Thinking about this can help all your sex to be closer, more fun, hotter, etc.

I think this is a helpful article on that subject.

Good luck! Sounds like you guys have a very healthy sexual relationship!
posted by serazin at 9:25 AM on December 31, 2006

Lots of guys are in relationships where they would probably do horrible things to Iraqi children just to get their girlfriends off once. If she gets off most of the time when you two do the nasty, what are you worried about? And furthermore, how can you get better than that?

The great thing about sex is that you don't know it can get better until you discover/attempt something novel, and hey presto! it's even better than before. So relax. Unwind. Lose yourself in the moment, and go with the moment. As jason's_planet says, communicate. If you don't talk to her during sex right now, try doing that. You don't have to talk dirty or anything like that- just talk to her and see where it goes. Maybe try some hair pulling or ass-slapping, but make sure to start off easy.

The point is, everybody enjoys sex differently, and if you two enjoy yours immensely then don't worry about "getting better". You should instead focus on enhancing your connection with this girl and building your comfort level to the point where the two of you can branch out. If you can both let go of your inhibitions, and are caring and supporting to one another, there's no telling where your adventures might take you.

one thing i will suggest if you'd like to enhance her physical pleasure, and yours, is to get a prince albert. My girlfriend and I had amazing sex before I got it 3 years into our relationship, but since I got mine I've noticed (and she's confirmed) that the pleasure she gets out of sex has increased by several factors. She attributes this to the fact that, with the right positioning, the jewelery hits her G-spot every time...definitely something to look into if you think you can go through with it!
posted by baphomet at 9:29 AM on December 31, 2006

Cunnilingus-fu. Heh.
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 9:43 AM on December 31, 2006

she always gets off) and I know she means it but I'm also fairly sure it's got a lot to do with her previous experiences being crap

She doesn't have orgasms because her previous experiences were bad. That makes no sense. Definitely grow your repertoire, but I think you can take a little credit now and not worry so much. Worry and lack of self worth are bad-bad-bad in bed. So fix your attitude first. Being confident is the best thing you can do.

I don't want to suggest specific physical acts but a more general approach. Whatever you try, whether its having sex standing up, or 69ing, or assplay, or whatever, you need to approach it the same way.

Take any given physical act (and its easy to come up with new ideas - just watch porn, read Anais Nin, or for pete's sake walk into a bookstore and buy one of those "how to make love to a woman" books). Sources for ideas are everywhere. So once you have an idea, like putting her legs on your shoulders, commit yourself to trying it out the next time you have sex. Don't say anything ahead of time, unless you are really afraid it runs the risk of hurting or frightening her.

When you next get in bed, experiment with your new technique a little bit. Try it out. It might feel awkward at first, but adjust, adjust, shift, try again, and see if you can't get a new and interesting sensation out of it. You may need to talk her through what you're doing, or you may not. Some people are highly attuned to what their partner is attempting, and some people's eyes roll back into their head and they are unresponsive when you try something new. So figure out which one she is, and experiment.

Be attuned to how it's making her feel (and you!). If something's wrong, stop right away and go back to the familiar. If it's interesting but awkward, you can eventually give up and go back to the familiar as well. Afterward, ask her how she liked "that thing" you were doing. See what she says. 90% of the time, she'll probably say "It was okay." Which means "fine but nothing remarkable, I could take it or leave it."

You're looking for that other 10%. You'll know it when you find it.

Don't be afraid to try cliche stuff. If you never 69 because it just seems like something lame that pornstars do, then you're denying yourself a possibly great sexual experience because of puritan associations. There's nothing wrong, lame, or dirty in sex.

Enjoy!
posted by scarabic at 10:14 AM on December 31, 2006

Sex is a means of communication. So imagine what you want to say and use your body to say it. Remember that scene in the matrix where neo learnt to fight and he opend his eyes and said I know kung-fu or words to that effect. Well, you know how to f*** - you just need to believe it and you will be able to get this over in bed. Your body is proficient but your brain doubts this so you feel inhibited or at least that is what I figure.

Nothing is more of a turn-on that someone that is confident in bed and really enjoying the act.

Treat it like oasis - Chill and go with the still and whilst you are there get your sweat on.
posted by mycapaciousbottega at 1:09 PM on December 31, 2006 [1 favorite]

thanks for all the responses - you're probably right about the overthinking bit even if I was just trying to be specific enough not to be accused of starting a chatfilter.

Brandon B - given that we're regularly doing about half of your list, I'm gonna have to assume you have excellent taste and try the other half :) Icecubes are exactly the sort of thing I was looking for.
posted by Ultimate Sockpuppet the Second at 4:53 PM on December 31, 2006

As a hasbian, I'm required by law to recommend Lesbian Sex Secrets for Men. If nothing else, it's an interesting concept. It has some pretty decent suggestions too!

Best of luck!
posted by grapefruitmoon at 4:54 PM on December 31, 2006

I think good sex requires a certain amount of nerve.

I mean, sex is simply rife with potential embarrassment: there you are, with someone of emotional import (or, occasionally, a near stranger), negotiating power and gender roles and body image and taboo and biological urges and functions and fluids... there's a good reason why comedy and raunch go hand-in-hand so often.

So part of good sex is to try to ignore all that potential awkward British humor, and make a leap of faith occasionally. Try something, even if it's weird. Does your partner like a finger in the ass? Do you? Only one way to find out!

Now, not every session should be freaky-deak boundaries-expanding sexperimentation; sex is important for the maintenance of emotional bonds, and sometimes you just want a simple fuck'n'cuddle instead of spending 30 minutes getting hot wax out of the sheets. But make a point of trying new things.

Some categories of bodily-fluid-related fun:

• Tab A in Slot B: Putting things in orifices. A good, simple way of expanding your repertoire, and a decent source of shared naughtiness. Go slow, don't force it, lube it if you need to, and keep your nails trimmed. Also, expect to reciprocate. Yes, that.
• Power & Control: Play around with telling each other to do things or making each other ask for things. Switch off for variety, unless you find a solid groove. Tease the holy hell out of each other. Make sex act cards and establish an elaborate 24-7 game between the two of you to earn and spend them, like a drinking game, only with oral sex
• Pain/Intense Sensation: You don't have to be a freak to like a bit of pain in bed. This doesn't have to be elaborate, but if that seems like a good idea, bombs away! Light spanking, hair pulling, biting, and scratching are almost universal (AFAICT), for good reason -- when you're really turned on your pain tolerance goes through the roof. What you think you're up for changes radically when you can't see for the hormones. Also, don't limit "sensation" to just pain. Hot, cold, slippery, furry, fuzzy, leathery, etc.
• Taboo Play: Do something naughty. Start simple (fuck in the kitchen, talk dirty to each other), move on to more complicated taboos (fuck publicly), and think about the high-level stuff (age-play, cos-play, gender-play, watersports, etc.) Who knows? You may have the best sex of your life pretending to be an inexperienced student being seduced by a worldly, sexy teacher.
• Toys & Props: Your sex life doesn't need to be a Carrot Top standup routine, but it's worth investing in, at the very least, a small waterproofish vibrator. A egg vibe can put an amazing amount of "zazz" into regular old sex. Start small, start cheap, and keep them clean.
• Friends: You may want to fuck other people, either together or separately. SPEND A LOT OF TIME TALKING ABOUT JEALOUSY AND BOUNDARIES BEFORE YOU DO THIS. In the middle of a four-way is the wrong time to realize you're actually horrified by the idea of your partner going down on someone else. Many a relationship has fallen apart to the tune of "Yeah, but I didn't think you'd actually do that!"
• Time: Run home and fuck on your lunch break. Start fucking on Saturday morning and make a promise that nobody can climax before noon.

Remember: sex is play; you can't have fun if you're too wrapped up in whether or not you're having enough fun.
posted by Coda at 5:15 PM on December 31, 2006 [2 favorites]

Explore each other. My boyfriend and I are pretty new at this too (we haven't gone all the way yet, but he's had experience with some things while I just recently caught up, being a total virgin before him) so we do a lot of experimenting and exploring. Just seeing where we liked to be touched, where our sweet spots are, taking care of each other. Foreplay is key.

Also, have fun with it! Our sessions are often full of humour - some sensation would make us laugh, or one of us would crack a joke. It makes things a bit silly, but also fun. Enjoy it.

And good luck!
posted by divabat at 5:34 PM on December 31, 2006

Female, seconding divabat. Total body exploration is the way to go - not just touching everywhere, but touching in different ways - light with fingers, hard with fingers, light/hard with nails, with your tongue, your mouth, even your hair if it's long enough. It's amazing how many different sensations you can create with no tools at all.

Also, try occasionally devoting an entire day to turning each other on. Send each other dirty messages or pictures at work (but for god's sake, not through your work email addresses). Or spend the day together in public: playing footsie under the table in restaurants, stroking hands, lightly groping in the movie theater or wherever else you can get a second of alone time, whispering sweet and naughty nothings, whatever. Anticipation is really, really sexy.

Vibrators are always great, but quiet remote-controlled panty-style vibrators like these would be of particular use if you're going with public teasing.

Maybe try to delay orgasm (both of you, and whatever kind of sex) as long as possible? If you're getting close, switch to something else, then switch again if you're getting close to orgasm from that. Again, anticipation is sexy.
posted by your face at 8:27 PM on December 31, 2006

Rent Secretary.

Bring a can of whipped creamed to bed, but DON'T tell her, just suddenly whip it out and spray.

Have her greet you at the door with nothing but high heels and a smile.

Grab your girlfriend, yank her pants down, and eat her out while she's, say, watching a movie.

Boss her around a little bit. Order her to take her clothes off. Tell her to stand five feet from you, bend over and spread her ass cheeks.

Forgive me, but these are all terrible, terrible suggestions. If I had a partner who without warning began to spray me with whipped cream (ick!), or yanked my pants down when I was otherwise occupied, or who started without my explicit invitation and leadership to boss me around, order me to take of my clothes, or "have" me greet him/her at the door naked, I would probably clock them. I'd suggest treading carefully: what you consider "spontaneous" might very well seem to her to be sexual bullying and agression. And sexual agression, unless (one more time) specifically invited, tends to be a little bit of a turn off for us females, you know?

Also, Secretary squicked me the hell out, and if somebody brought it home for me to watch under the guise of eroticism, we'd very soon be having A Serious Talk.

The best thing you can do is explore sex with mutuality and respect and a spirit of adventure. And I might suggest, also, too stop putting pressure on yourself-- it sounds like you're doing just fine.
posted by jokeefe at 8:42 PM on December 31, 2006 [1 favorite]