help my wife with her project?

May 30, 2012 1:02 PM

Should I do more work projects for my wife using my special skills, even though I despise the project?

My wife recently asked me to use my professional job skills to do some projects with her for a special once a year super conference where she'll be teaching some classes. While I don't want to say what kind of work I do(trying to stay unidentified) I'm hoping I can still get some opinions here. For our purposes let's call me a "house builder". I'm not a house builder...but that's what we're calling it. So...I spend most of my day building houses. It's a lot of work. But I love my job and I'm extremely fortunate that I get paid to do what I love. So when my wife asked me to "build a special house" for a project she needed my building skills on for her yearly work related job conference, I gladly agreed. She's my wife and I love her. Plus I figured it would be a quick job. Turns out the job wasn't so quick. I ended up spending approximately 30 hours working on this for my wife. It happens to be the type of project that I really dislike...it's a boring, tedious thing to build. It was so bad working on it, I really came close to losing my patience and quitting. But I did it and she was happy with the results.

Fast forward to a few days ago...my wife and I are at dinner and she says that she was asked to do another special project for the conference and wanted me to help build it again. Of course I was saying to myself, "please god don't make me have to do another one of these projects", lol. Seriously though...I was very honest with her and told her I really didn't want to work on another one of these projects as the last one took way more time then I thought and it's extremely challenging, boring work. I sort of joked with her saying she's gonna have to hire someone else for the job or I could teach her to do it on her own. She sort of played it off as a joke, and said she understands where I'm coming from, but I know she will try to persuade me to still do the project with her. Even more importantly, I'm sure she feels bad that I don't want to help her with the project. The thoughts running through my head are:

-On the one hand...she's my wife. By helping her, I'd be supporting her and her job. Plus spouses help each other. And when one spouse posesses special skills that can help the other spouse it's kind of just a given that someone ends up getting "free" labor.

-But on the other hand, I really really really don't want to spend another 30 plus hours working on this. It was horrible the last time, and I'm getting sick to my stomach thinking about working on it again. In fact, I probably wouldn't work on the job even if I was being well paid for it.

Am I being reasonable by declining? Or is it my job as her husband to tough it out and just do it? Thank you for your comments and ideas.

posted by ljs30 to Human Relations (26 answers total)

She should use the money allocated in her budget to hire you to do it, or else she should hire different professional to do it. You are absolutely not being unreasonable in thinking that 30 hours of free labor is too much to ask of anyone, most especially a spouse.
posted by juliplease at 1:07 PM on May 30, 2012 [13 favorites]

No. 30 hours to help your wife's work is quite enough. I think something like giving her advice on what to look for in a hire would be a nice compromise.
posted by Vaike at 1:07 PM on May 30, 2012 [5 favorites]

i agree, she either needs to work a fee into the budget to pay you, pay someone else to do it, or do it herself. 30 hours on something you really, really hate doing goes beyond what i think is reasonable, given that you've already done it once already.
posted by violetk at 1:11 PM on May 30, 2012

Whatever help you might be able to provide isn't worth the resentment and irritation that this adds into your relationship. Find a nice way to tell her you aren't going to do it, but don't do it. I speak from experience!
posted by Narrative Priorities at 1:13 PM on May 30, 2012

You are not really helping your wife.

Look at it this way: the extent to which you are helping your wife is that you are helping her to bring in a project under budget by donating your labor to her company. In a one-off sort of thing, that's fine. But if, by dint of her performance on the last project, your wife's bosses start to expect her to bring in these projects under-budget as a routine thing, then all of a sudden you're not helping her any more, you're just donating your time to her company. Over and over again.

That's not really helping her, it's just insulating her bosses from the reality of business, which is that you have to pay for the services that you use. All you're really doing is enabling them to get services for free.
posted by gauche at 1:13 PM on May 30, 2012 [29 favorites]

Don't borrow trouble. So far, she says she gets it. You don't know that she's going to circle back and ask you, and I wouldn't assume she feels bad if she hasn't told you she does. I think you're being reasonable (two hours, I'd ask you to suck it up; thirty, no), and she seems to think so, too. It's hard to say to somebody who's trying so hard to make sure you're being kind enough, but don't overthink it.
posted by Linda_Holmes at 1:13 PM on May 30, 2012 [1 favorite]

gauche has it exactly right- you aren't really helping your wife, you're helping her company learn to expect to get 30+ hour projects for free by magic from an employee's spouse/friend. Not cool.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 1:21 PM on May 30, 2012 [9 favorites]

If she does end up asking, is there anything she could do for you in return to make this okay for you? A bargain?

However, consider how likely it is that she will ask you again next year. And again the year after that. If it is in any way likely, don't help her out again this time.
posted by Omnomnom at 1:24 PM on May 30, 2012

You have not said if she receives any kind of reward or advancement or perks or raises for these special projects. If she does not receive anything, she could use the amount of time and the cost of your help to ask for a raise. If she is willing to do this, you should perhaps help her, because in the long run it will benefit both of you.
posted by francesca too at 1:24 PM on May 30, 2012 [1 favorite]

Yeah, no. If this were a really small project (say, under 5 hours), or for your wife's own business/start-up/whatever, that's one thing. You're talking about doing nearly a week's full time labor for her employer for free. That's a bit ridiculous. Is she aware of just how much time you spent on the last one? Maybe if she realizes how much time was poured into it she'd realize she can't ask that of you again?
posted by asciident at 1:30 PM on May 30, 2012 [2 favorites]

Your wife needs to say "While I am happy to lead Special Project, unfortunately I do not have the skillset to execute the house building aspects. My husband was kind enough to volunteer his time last year, but is tied up this year. He estimates Special Project took 30 hours last year and suggests we budget $XXX this year for House Building. He is willing to assist with the technical spec for this year's contractor."
posted by DarlingBri at 1:30 PM on May 30, 2012 [32 favorites]

can you foist this off to another "home builder" who likes to do the tedious bits or an intern who does not know about these tedious bits of home building yet.
posted by kanemano at 1:45 PM on May 30, 2012

I think you need to be clearer with your wife about how much work the last project was. Is your house building something that people outside your industry/job think is just gluing popsicle sticks together vs the reality of You personally charrying whole trees? Can you think of a comparable challenging, boring task she does, or even something that is maybe fun at first ("imagine icing a cake, but you have to make it perfect and every time you correct a little mark a bigger mark appears beside it...now imagine doing that for 30 hours..."). Right now she probably does think you are being petulant, not fully realising the "small" task actually take a lot of hard work and time. Providing her with the hard cost may help as well. Again offer to teach her, but recognise that will take a lot longer than your 30 hours, but teaching a person to fish is always satisfying.
posted by saucysault at 3:10 PM on May 30, 2012

This is presumably work that should be paid for. You didn't state explicitly whether you were or weren't paid, but let's assume you weren't.

Isn't there a cost to your family from you doing 30 hours of unpaid work? You could be earning income with that 30 hours. Keep adding on to that with additional projects and your wife is costing your family a shit ton of money with this. Her company needs to cough up market rates for your work, whether you or someone else does it.
posted by rocketpup at 3:12 PM on May 30, 2012

If it were me, I'd probably be having the same internal debate that you are. I would feel like this is something I'm supposed to do for my wife. After all, marriage often involves doing things for your spouse that you really don't like, and it feels selfish to avoid them. But as everyone keeps saying, 30 hours of specialised work that you hate is a fairly big project, and not something you should undertake lightly. What you don't want is for you to do the work and find yourself feeling that you've done it for the wrong reasons (e.g. guilt), and end up resenting it. That's a much worse outcome than having a few hard conversations in which you explain the extent of your dislike for this work and your reasons for wanting her to find some other way to get it done. That will probably disappoint her, but not as much as it would upset her to later find out that you did the work for her out of guilt and that you've been harbouring resentment towards her because of it. So, if it were me in your situation, I'd be tempted to do one of two things:

(1) If this is a job that she will need done a few more times, and could plausibly do herself if given a little training & assistance, I'd offer to teach her, and help her out when she tries to do it herself. This might not be practical depending on exactly what "house building" actually is and how good a teacher you are. She might not want that, and it would still be a big time investment, but if it does work out, this is a long-term win-win: she won't ever need to ask you to do it again, and she'll have learned a useful new skill. Also, she'd probably see for herself how boring the job is, which will go some distance towards getting her to understand where you're coming from.

(2) If it's not practical to teach her how to do it, then I think it's very likely to be best to explain to her how much you hate this work, and that you really, really don't want to do it. Especially given how time-consuming this job is. Offer to help her find someone else to do it, but I wouldn't be willing to risk the possibility of ending up resenting my wife over something like this. And I doubt she wants to risk that either: most likely she doesn't actually realise how much work this job is, or how tedious it is. After all, you yourself thought it would be a short job originally: she probably doesn't know the work as well as you do, and is likely under similar misconceptions. If you're clear about what's really being asked of you, she probably would be happy to find someone else to do it (or at least she should be, I would think).
posted by mixing at 3:17 PM on May 30, 2012 [1 favorite]

30 hours is huge! Surely she can find someone else to do the grunt work and you do a bit here and there or give advice/supervision where necessary?
posted by mleigh at 3:21 PM on May 30, 2012

If I were your wife, there is no way in hell I'd be comfortable making you do 30 hours of work you hated. Not criticizing your wife, just saying that partnerships go both ways.
posted by Lieber Frau at 3:25 PM on May 30, 2012 [1 favorite]

Is there some task that she does for the household, that you despise, that she spends about 1/2 an hour on per week (30 hours/year)? Or, while you are doing 30 hours of this work, is she doing extra chores or what-not around the house?

I kinda think this goes along the lines of helping your spouse out. Like attending your spouse's holiday party, with their boring boss and shop-talk while wearing uncomfortable clothes and not drinking nearly enough and you have tons to do and things you'd rather do -- but you go because it helps the spouse out, and makes them look good in their profession. This house-building is like that.
posted by Houstonian at 3:33 PM on May 30, 2012

Sweetie, it's likely to be 25 - 35 hours of work. I think it would be fair to bill your company. I'm willing to give them a substantial discount. If I really had 30 hours to donate, I'd rather donate to a non-profit, or, better, go someplace special with you.

have a discussion with her; come up with a plan.
posted by theora55 at 3:42 PM on May 30, 2012 [1 favorite]

I've been in a similar situation and I wish I had done what DarlingBri scripted out long before I lost my temper and patience (as well as some respect) for my ex. My partner's commitments are actually not my responsibility.
posted by sm1tten at 4:08 PM on May 30, 2012 [1 favorite]

From a relationship standpoint, you really shouldn't do this. There is too much potential for future bitterness and resentment, especially if this becomes an ongoing thing.

You did it once and hated it, no amount of $ is going to make it worth possibly damaging your relationship.
posted by snsranch at 5:06 PM on May 30, 2012 [2 favorites]

OP, can you clarify something? What would happen if you did not build the house for your wife? Would she have to do it herself or would her employer pay to have it done?

If she would have to do it herself or pay out of her own pocket to get it built, then I would have to say that you should help her build it. Yes, 30 hours is a lot of time, but this will be your second time around, so it might go faster. Similarly, perhaps there is more that your wife can help with. In any case, if your wife legitimately needs your help, I think you need to tough it out and help her. You said it best in your third to last paragraph.

On the other hand, if she can get her employer to pay for the work to be done, of course, there is no reason that you should have to do it or to do it for free. In this case, by all means decline or ask for compensation.
posted by Bokmakierie at 5:22 PM on May 30, 2012 [2 favorites]

If she keeps doing well at it via your work, they will keep giving such projects to her.

Explain that this time you will teach her to do it. Then teach her and make her learn and do the work.
posted by Ironmouth at 5:39 PM on May 30, 2012

"I haven't heard you talk about your special project for a few days. How's it going? Did you find someone to bills that house for you this year yet? *grin* But seriously, hon, it took everything I had to do that last year. It's the kind of project that in my day job, I don't even take because it's so... ugh. I hate building [staircases]. But some people specialize in stairs, and this year, I think you guys should work with this one guy I know who builds the most elegant stairs for a very affordable price. He will do a much better job than I would."
posted by salvia at 6:57 PM on May 30, 2012

Oops, bills = build.
posted by salvia at 6:58 PM on May 30, 2012

A lot of people are saying if she can provide remuneration you should go for it, but I completely disagree. If you're getting sick to your stomach at the thought of doing it again, and this is the most boring type of thing your regular job would involve - so you could conceivably be doing a full workday of it and then coming home and doing [paid or unpaid] overtime of the same work that you dread, that honestly sounds awful and not the type of thing your spouse should ask of you if she knows how much you hate it.

If she does ask again, the above points about this being free work for her company are good ones. I don't think even if she negotiates a raise for it it's a great idea - her new position is then explicitly due to the extra unpaid work you're pitching in, and this will become routine. If she insists, teaching her and letting her do it is the only reasonable course of action, but it sounds a bit too specialized for that.
posted by pahalial at 10:19 PM on May 30, 2012