How many times does one ask a girl out?

March 10, 2009 3:00 PM

How many times does one ask a girl out?

I don't get a lot of numbers a week right now or even come in many situations to get numbers, but when I do , I wonder how much is too much when asking a girl out? Do you say one and done after the 1st asking? If it's a legit excuse the 1st time , do you ask a second time? I know the answer is a little more clear cut if you draw 3, 4, 5 numbers a week as there's less "chasing"/bs. However, in my situation where there's maybe 2 numbers every 2 weeks or so, how much stock do I put into the girls I pursue?

Some of the girls I've been asking out lately are flaky as hell and I'm wondering what's going on. This one chick I asked out said she was working with her dad this past weekend (I asked her wed) . So I asked her this saturday for tues night since we're all on spring break now for college and she said she'd call me back on monday. So I sent her another message today just shooting the shit and then asked her for friday and she hasn't replied yet.

posted by isoman2kx to human relations (40 comments total)

I wonder how much is too much when asking a girl out?

When you realize that the girl is not worth pursuing due to flakiness or you get the hint that she doesn't want to go out with you.
posted by spec80 at 3:03 PM on March 10, 2009

Just ask if she's interested in going out with you. If it's a fit, she'll say yes. If not, thank her for her frankness and move on.

(I realize that this is really hard on one's self-image, but if you can take a "no" gracefully, you will be relaxed enough that there will be many many "yesses" in your future.)
posted by Danf at 3:05 PM on March 10, 2009

If she doesn't say yes for this Friday or doesn't reply, you need to drop it and move on.
posted by mckenney at 3:07 PM on March 10, 2009

if she's interested but has a legitimate conflict, she'll suggest a better time. otherwise, she's not interested, or not that interested.
posted by thinkingwoman at 3:13 PM on March 10, 2009 [14 favorites]

The number of prospective women you meet and get numbers from is irrelevant to how quickly you should give up. If you only got 1 number a year that wouldn't make it okay to keep calling back every day.

When I was single my metric was that up to 3 was okay, 4 was creepy stalker. And 3 was the upper limit - sometimes it was obvious far before then. And to be honest nobody I ever had to ask more than once turned out to be something. People interested in spending time with you will say "no, but" rather than "no."
posted by phearlez at 3:15 PM on March 10, 2009 [3 favorites]

If any girl gives you an excuse more than once, I'd take that as (what she probably intended to be a gentle letdown but what is actually a cowardly deflection for), "Sorry, not interested."

So, if you want numbers, I'd say ask once, and then maybe once again if the first time's not an outright rejection ("I'm busy on Saturday"), but if it happens again, flag her and move on.
posted by misha at 3:18 PM on March 10, 2009 [1 favorite]

Twice is the max, unless you're not sure if they're blowing you off or genuinely busy. Then three. Any more than that is a waste of your time and hers. In your case it sounds like she's not interested. Delete that number tout de suite, son.
posted by Optimus Chyme at 3:24 PM on March 10, 2009 [1 favorite]

If a girl isn't interested in going out with you, she's not going to come out and say it. Usually we're way too concerned about "hurting feelings." So instead, she'll be flaky. Flaky means not interested.

Also, as it seems you're in college, perhaps "dating" is the wrong way to put it. In college, you hang out, you hook up, but dating is for older people. A relationship comes out of casual, everyday stuff, not a series of dinners. Sometimes you make out first while wasted and then hang out (women tend to want to see if a guy they've already hooked up with might be boyfriend potential). If you keep running into girls who give you their number and then flake, then perhaps instead of saying "lets go to dinner" you can say "me and my buddies are going to do x or y, wanna come?" or basically ask her to join an already planned activity, like watching a movie in your room. When a girl isn't sure about you, she's more likely to agree to doing something with you and other people than just you. Or tell her to bring a friend. Because a lot of girls would rather hang out with their friends than go on a date with some guy they barely know.

I know its a bit of a tangent, but I feel like college is a unique place where stuff works backwards sometimes. Especially when you're not already friends with the person.
posted by anniek at 3:25 PM on March 10, 2009 [5 favorites]

One and done!

ONE AND DONE!

If she gives you an excuse and doesn't open the door for something else, it's DONE before it even got started.

DONE
You: "Hey, wanna go out Friday?"
Her: "I can't. I have a class."
You: "OK, that's cool."
Her: (sound of crickets)
You: "All right, take care..."

OPEN DOOR:
You: "Hey, wanna go out Friday?"
Her: "I can't. I have a class.
You: "OK, that's cool."
Her: "How about Saturday?"
You: "Yeah!"

If you're not getting the COMMON COURTESY of the offer to re-schedule, it's DONE. Over. Kaput. Move on. She's just not that into you.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 3:34 PM on March 10, 2009 [50 favorites]

As a girl:

1) Ask her out. Unless she make it plain that she doesn't want to go out with you, you can ask her out again.

2) Ask her a second time - *at least* a week or two after the first time. That's it. After that you are lame if you ask her out again, unless years have gone by.

3) After asking her out a second time, it's up to her to ask you out. You can make yourself available in sly ways, but don't ask her a third time.
posted by Dee Xtrovert at 3:36 PM on March 10, 2009

Tell her straight up you think she's cute and would like to spend some more time with her. If she says yes, she likes you, if no then you can leave it. Being unambiguous pays off.
posted by teraspawn at 3:36 PM on March 10, 2009 [1 favorite]

If the girl is interested she reschedules the other thing and says Yes to you. If she's not interested then she is busy. So my answer is that you should ask one time. But I'm no expert.
posted by notned at 3:38 PM on March 10, 2009

Do you say one and done after the 1st asking?
Yes.
posted by coolguymichael at 3:39 PM on March 10, 2009

I disagree with anniek. Many people date in college. It depends greatly on which college you're in. Even so, some people prefer a more formal dating environment and others prefer hanging out and hooking up. There are no universals.
posted by grouse at 3:50 PM on March 10, 2009

Just wanted to add to the people who said that if she doesn't reschedule herself right off the bat, then that's pretty much your signal that she's not interested.
posted by kosmonaut at 3:53 PM on March 10, 2009

Any approach after the first could be [not "should be", but "could be"] construed as stalker-ish. And do you have any reason to assume that your market value to her has gone up in the meantime?

Fish... sea... do the math.
posted by Joe Beese at 4:00 PM on March 10, 2009 [3 favorites]

nthing that if she doesn't suggest an alternate time for your date, she's not interested in seeing you.
posted by Xianny at 4:07 PM on March 10, 2009

"he's just not that into you" works when the sexes are reversed too. If she's busy, she'll say "oh that sounds like so much fun but I can't! we should do [something] next weekend instead!" Maybe ask a second time, in case she's too scared to say all that herself, but generally if someone doesn't make time and doesn't make the effort, they're not interested.

So, twice at most. So make it something you know she'd want to do, this way if she flakes out or says no, it's definitely because she's not interested.
posted by KateHasQuestions at 4:55 PM on March 10, 2009 [1 favorite]

When you ask a girl out she makes a calculation.

You can't know the variables of that calculation, but you can make guesses. She may be thinking, "I'm not attracted to him," or, "I would but I have a boyfriend," or, "This guy is cute, but doesn't have his shit together..." the list goes on.

The point is that these variables can change over time.

Ask once, but don't burn your bridges because you never know when that chick is going to pop back up sans boyfriend or other hang-ups. In that case, when you catch a good vibe, it's okay to ask again.
posted by wfrgms at 4:58 PM on March 10, 2009 [2 favorites]

"Want to get a drink with me this Friday?"
"No."

Do Not Pursue.

"Want to get a drink with me this Friday?"
"Oh, I'd like to, but my dolphin is sick."
"Some other time when your dolphin is feeling better?"
"I don't think so."

Do Not Pursue.

"Want to get a drink with me this Friday?"
"Oh, I'd like to, but my dolphin is sick."
"Some other time when your dolphin is feeling better?"
"Why don't you give me a call next week?"

Give her a call next week. Then see above.

"Want to get a drink with me this Friday?"
"Where?"
"There's this great place [name]."
"I've been there, it's shit."
"What about [name]?"
"I don't like that place either."

Do Not Pursue.

"Want to get a drink with me this Friday?”
“I gave up drinking for Lent.”

Do Not Pursue.

“Want to get a drink with me this Friday?”
“Does a bear shit in the woods?”

Possibly.

“Want to get a drink with me this Friday?”
“Sure! There’s this great place, [name].”

Depending on [name], you either Do Not Pursue, or Pack Condom.

“Want to get a drink with me this Friday?”
“Oh, work is sending me to Paris this weekend, all expenses paid, I can’t do it.”
“Can I come?”
“Sure, I could use the company.”

Pack Condoms but Forget Wallet.

“Want to get a drink with me this Friday?”
“I can’t this Friday, what about on the weekend?”

Pursue.

“Want to get a drink with me this Friday?”
“Stop calling me you skeezeball.”

Breathe Heavily Into Phone.

“Want to get a drink with me this Friday?”
“Sure. Your place or mine.”

Breathe Heavily Into Phone, Pack Condom.
posted by turgid dahlia at 5:33 PM on March 10, 2009 [92 favorites]

While Cool Papa Bell's response is good in theory and in practice most of the time, don't rely on it.

Personally, I've had times where a guy suggested a particular type of date and I was quite interested in him but couldn't think of an alternative immediately (I was pretty shy at the time). And that caused the whole thing to fall apart.

Sometimes attraction sort of freezes us and I wouldn't take the "one and done" approach because you might miss out on something good.

Try twice.
posted by cmgonzalez at 6:32 PM on March 10, 2009

@turgid dahlia


R-O-F-L. Damn funny reply mixed in with accurate advice. Thank you :)



As for the advice in general, I suppose that's what I thought deep down but just couldn't see it being stuck in asking 3 times mode. I suppose I'm just not finding the interested girls yet or some of them are but then aren't interested when I ask.
posted by isoman2kx at 6:37 PM on March 10, 2009

One stop shopping: ask her if she would like to do something "in the coming days."

If the answer is no, you're done.
posted by StickyCarpet at 7:11 PM on March 10, 2009

Seconding cmgonzalez. I still wonder about what might have been, if one guy, in particular, had only asked me a second time. My response to his first and only attempt was misleadingly noncommittal because all the confidence I'd had throughout the entire evening's conversation vanished. I just froze. Gah.
posted by cybercoitus interruptus at 7:12 PM on March 10, 2009

On non-preview, StickyCarpet's solution would have worked nicely.
posted by cybercoitus interruptus at 7:14 PM on March 10, 2009

Generally, I try for twice unless the first time is just a flat-out no. A big part of my question is indeed the fish in the sea concept. It's hard to realize that there are other girls out there sometimes when you get tunnel vision on just one or two (that you haven't even had date #1 with, lol).
posted by isoman2kx at 7:14 PM on March 10, 2009

"Want to get a drink with me this Friday?”
“I gave up drinking for Lent.”

Do Not Pursue.

Pursue after Lent. A girl who gives up drinking for Lent is going to get SO WASTED after Lent.
posted by crossoverman at 7:18 PM on March 10, 2009 [6 favorites]

Yes, there is the "oh, she's just being Miley" factor. If you think the girl was off when you first asked, then the next time you hang out, give her a chance to redeem herself.

There's also the my life is just does not have room right now, it's not you, it's me... but I think it's up to me, as the person with no room in my life, to be pretty dang obvious or ask you out when my life is roomier.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 8:00 PM on March 10, 2009

Wow, if everyone followed the "once and if she doesn't immediately offer an alternative give up" advice then this world would have missed out on many wonderful relationships. I can think of more then a handful of good relationships involving people I know that required a little more perseverance then that.
posted by Jezztek at 8:22 PM on March 10, 2009

In real life: once. Maybe twice?

In a romantic comedy: as many times as it takes.
posted by chunking express at 8:25 PM on March 10, 2009

There can be cultural issues, as well. Nice Korean and Italian girls (in Italy) won't go out with you unless you have persistence.
posted by StickyCarpet at 8:31 PM on March 10, 2009

A suggestion I haven't seen yet... she has your number, right? It comes up on her phone?

"Want to get a drink Friday night?"
"Oh, no. I can't. I have this thing for work."
"Ok. Well, send me a text if you want to hang out sometime soon?"
"Sure."

If you don't get a text in a week or so, consider it dead or worth one more shot, max.
posted by whitewall at 9:08 PM on March 10, 2009

I asked a girl out who told me she couldn't that weekend because her friend from college, Michael was coming to visit. Oh. When asked for the next weekend she said yes then canceled to go to NY for the weekend to visit "a friend". Oh. The third (and likely last time) I asked we went out for chinese food and argued about just about everything. We have been married 17 years.

I guess my answer is it depends. YMMV.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 9:44 PM on March 10, 2009 [4 favorites]

Good one, JohnnyGunn, we'd almost figured out the formula! And now you've ruined it with you empirical evidence.
posted by crossoverman at 10:04 PM on March 10, 2009 [5 favorites]

Once.

If she's interested but busy, she will suggest another time.



...if she doesn't know you well enough to judge whether she wants to go on a date with you...then leave it to her to ask you out after she's already rejected you once.
posted by scottschulthess at 7:54 AM on March 11, 2009

I'm a one and done type. People who are decent people, who think of themselves as decent people will do thinks they won't admit to and lead you on. Don't go there. There are so many other women out there.
posted by Ironmouth at 8:03 AM on March 11, 2009

Wow, if everyone followed the "once and if she doesn't immediately offer an alternative give up" advice then this world would have missed out on many wonderful relationships.

Number of good relationships missed out on = X.

Number of bad relationships avoided + bouts of depression avoided + hurt feelings avoided + stalker-ish antics avoided + levels of self-esteem increased = X + infinity.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 9:23 AM on March 11, 2009 [1 favorite]

As a general rule, I'd vote for twice. YMMV, but generally speaking, twice lets you feel it out.

And for the record, a lot of girls will just plain not want to tell you "no" directly, because some guys have been known to get shitty to their face about it when they tried. This is where the twice comes in, because if they are still making an excuse the second time, they're trying to say no without making you angry.
posted by jenfullmoon at 2:02 PM on March 11, 2009

I do one most of the time, twice if the girl seems interested and has offered to re-schedule no more than that......Also if you get any last minute re-schedule (like her cat got sick, mother in the hospital, suddenly remembered that.......) the first time you are supposed to meet assume that she is flaking or that the universe do not want you together.....in which case I wouldnt try it again either.

I understand why you mentioned how many numbers you get......I would try to get at least one number every week to reduce your anxiety..

And remember if someone hasnt proven to be worth your while DO NOT act like they are........meaning dont get all dolled up reserve a hotel room, RSVP at Luigios or crap like that when you dont know a person, if you are just going for drinks and she blows you off....then should feel like "whatever" and take your boy Jason with you instead to said bar and go get some numbers....
posted by The1andonly at 1:58 PM on March 12, 2009

I fav'd the same one as anyone else above, but strictly speaking, it's not necessarily the only correct advice.
posted by peter_meta_kbd at 12:09 AM on March 22, 2009