how do i ask out my friend's cousin?

February 14, 2006 4:10 AM

how do i say this: "i like you and that other night was great, although slightly weird because you're my friend's really close cousin, but he seems cool about it, so, anyway, do you want to do that again sometime, even though it's been a month since that night?"- without coming across as wanting to be too serious or too casual or too weird?

it was a night at his house, we ended up having a few touchy feely escapades on the couch while watching a movie with everyone else in the room unaware. in the end nothing more happened because we thought it was a bit iffy, her being my friend's cousin and all.

but, he's fine about it. problem is, i'm out of the state for three weeks for a job and don't have any way to contact her until i'm back. so, what would have been fine to say a day or three after the event is now a little strange. i'm not interested in anything totally serious, and neither is she (i'm told).

i've never set out to start a casual sort of relationship before. what's the equivalent of "do you want to go out on a date sometime?", and how do i say it given the month gap between that one night and talking to her again?

posted by twirlypen to Human Relations (11 answers total)

Is there any way to strike up some casual conversation that's just conversation? An "in," to call her or perhaps IM her? (Did you talk about any music you both like? Something you might borrow? Something to follow up on?)

If not, then get her info from the cousin, or, if you already have it or have access to her, a simple "I was heading to coffee, and wondered if you were interested in coming with" would probably work.

I'm not certain why there's any ambiguity. The equivalent to "do you want to go out on a date sometime" is pretty much "do you want to go out on a date sometime." Feel free to soften the language, ask for a more casual event or what have you as necessary.

See about recreating the same circumstances as last time. Have a get together at your place or at his, and have the cousin come along. Use that as your in.

Don't worry about it, but get yourself some form of an event that you can use to see her again in similar circumstances, if you're weary about just flat out asking her on a date.

Good luck!
posted by disillusioned at 4:17 AM on February 14, 2006

Time/previous events don't necessarily need to factor into it. Well, they do, but I don't think it's necessary to bring them up.

A simple "do you want to go out on a date" might just do the trick. Over-complication/analysis doesn't really help.

If anything just mention how much you liked hanging out last time.

Good luck.
posted by slimepuppy at 4:21 AM on February 14, 2006

You have her number? If so, call her. Some small talk to get a feeling on how she reacts to you. If it feels good, ask her out on a date.
The "weird" circumstances of your first get together? I didn't get what was "weird" about them. It was a friends cousin not your cousin, so where exactly was the weird part? Go on a date, maybe something will develop, maybe not. Like with every other date on the world. Good luck!
posted by ollsen at 4:59 AM on February 14, 2006

I think a straightforward "I would have asked this sooner but I was out of town for a few weeks: Would you like to go on a date with me?" will do the trick.
posted by sciurus at 5:00 AM on February 14, 2006

i'm out of the state for three weeks for a job and don't have any way to contact her until i'm back.

Come on, brother- you know this isn't true, and work it to your advantage. Write her a short, handwritten letter, to the effect of "I really enjoyed our time together, I'm out of town and not very reachable, but I'd love to get together with you when I get back."

If she she doesn't swoon from a handwritten letter from a potential suitor, she's not worth dating.
posted by mkultra at 6:17 AM on February 14, 2006

I wouldn't let the fact that she is your friend's cousin affect your actions (cousins are different than sisters). Treat her like any other girl you meet and feel a connection.
posted by caddis at 6:58 AM on February 14, 2006

While caddis' advice may be right for certain kinds of family (or culture: anglo-american if we want to stereotype), there are many cultures (and families) wherein cousins are very close.

In my family (hispanic, if, again, you'd like to feed stereotypes) my cousins are as close to me as my brother. If one of my friends wanted to date one of my cousins he would (if he were smart) treat the situation just as he would if he were dating a sister.

Whether your friend and his cousin are very close or not is an empirical matter. I just thought I'd point out that the picture is not necessarily as clear and easy as Caddis makes it out to be.
posted by oddman at 7:35 AM on February 14, 2006

(I should have just added this to the end of the last comment, sigh.)

I don't think there is a difference betwee the way you start a casual relationship and the way you start what might be a serious relationship. You simply ask her out.

The difference lies in the fact that a casual relationship will never progress beyond that. You will never get to the point where you simply assume that you and her will spend the weekend together. You don't automatically think to bring her along to events to which you can take a guest. You certainly never introduce her to your parents. (Well, not formally.) Every time you ask her out it will be pretty much like asking her out on a first date (except that you know her a bit better, and you are pretty sure she'll say yes).
posted by oddman at 7:41 AM on February 14, 2006

If the cousin is cool with it, and you have her number, just call her up and ask her out. This three weeks thing isn't a problem at all. Call her now, say, "Listen, I'm going to be out of town for three weeks. When I get back, would you like to go have (coffee|dinner|hot sex|an acid trip) together?" If she says yes, you have a date (and thoughts to masturbate to while away); if she says no, enjoy your trip.
posted by Netzapper at 7:46 AM on February 14, 2006

Just say that but leave out the "if a little weird" part.
posted by delmoi at 7:56 AM on February 14, 2006

Get her number from your cousin. Call her. Don't even talk about the other night. Just say something like "Hey, it's me. Wanna go out for a [something fun and casual and not a Big Deal Date]?" "Yeah, me too, but I'm stuck out of town for three weeks -- I'll give you a call then."
posted by Zed_Lopez at 9:50 AM on February 15, 2006