Is this common?
May 4, 2012 10:04 AM Subscribe
Is it common for long term couples to get more comfortable and less passionate?
I posted a question that would fall under this category a few months ago "What if I don't feel the intensity in my relationship?" but seeing all kinds of things on Facebook made me question mine. Seeing newsfeeds of people professing their undying love and mushinesss towards their significant other after over a year makes me wonder what's wrong with me?
I don't feel mushy towards my boyfriend. Seeing all this makes me feel sad inside because I can't seem to long for my boyfriend when we're apart. He's everything I wanted in a relationship/person and makes me happy...I'm sexually attracted to him and physically but I still feel like I can't help but have this feeling pop up once in a while when I see love movies or people's "love" on Facebook.
It makes me think so hard that I wonder if I should break it off to my bf. Maybe I jumped into dating too fast...I dated my first bf for 5 years and met my current bf one month later...we took things slow but still didn't spend time alone.
My bf makes me happy no doubt. But of course like any relationship we get on eachother's nerves sometimes. But sometimes I just don't know what to do. I mean isn't it stupid just to break up if nothing is wrong? Ugh I don't know what to do...
If you want to have some background on this look at my old link: http://ask.metafilter.com/206737/What-if-I-dont-feel-intensity-in-my-relationship
I posted a question that would fall under this category a few months ago "What if I don't feel the intensity in my relationship?" but seeing all kinds of things on Facebook made me question mine. Seeing newsfeeds of people professing their undying love and mushinesss towards their significant other after over a year makes me wonder what's wrong with me?
I don't feel mushy towards my boyfriend. Seeing all this makes me feel sad inside because I can't seem to long for my boyfriend when we're apart. He's everything I wanted in a relationship/person and makes me happy...I'm sexually attracted to him and physically but I still feel like I can't help but have this feeling pop up once in a while when I see love movies or people's "love" on Facebook.
It makes me think so hard that I wonder if I should break it off to my bf. Maybe I jumped into dating too fast...I dated my first bf for 5 years and met my current bf one month later...we took things slow but still didn't spend time alone.
My bf makes me happy no doubt. But of course like any relationship we get on eachother's nerves sometimes. But sometimes I just don't know what to do. I mean isn't it stupid just to break up if nothing is wrong? Ugh I don't know what to do...
If you want to have some background on this look at my old link: http://ask.metafilter.com/206737/What-if-I-dont-feel-intensity-in-my-relationship
I don't think there is a real answer to this question (I don't even know if I know what your question really is). What really matters in a relationship is if it works for the people in it. There are very, very few hard and fast rules about what "works" in a relationship. Going by this question and your previous one, it seems to me that you are either looking for some kind of external validation for your relationship, or looking for some kind of permission to break it off or sign that it's not working (when it seems pretty likely that it isn't working and you just feel guilty because you can't quite put your finger on why). You don't need permission to break it off. Relationships either work or they don't, it has very little to do with intensity (important for some, unimportant for others), feeling mushy (important for some, unimportant for others) or anything else except for whether or not the relationship is satisfying to the individuals involved in it. If your relationship is unsatisfying, break it off, but I would urge you not to judge your relationship by others' relationships, judge it by whether or not it satisfies you and makes you happy.
posted by biscotti at 10:11 AM on May 4, 2012 [2 favorites]
posted by biscotti at 10:11 AM on May 4, 2012 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: My question is, "Is this common feeling?" and "What is the best thing to do?"
I hate feeling like I'm not loving him AND infatuated with him.
Yeah he makes me happy but I don't know...
Then again like I mentioned in my old post... my ex didn't make me happy but I felt like it was a sure thing so maybe it's hormones.
Any advice/tips to think about before breaking it off to be alone to sort out my feelings? I don't want to but if it's that what it has to come down to to figure things out by myself I guess I would have to. But it would suck to only realize I'd miss him and long for him not realizing what I have only for him to not take me back when nothing was wrong in the 1st place.
posted by Asian_Hunnie at 10:16 AM on May 4, 2012
I hate feeling like I'm not loving him AND infatuated with him.
Yeah he makes me happy but I don't know...
Then again like I mentioned in my old post... my ex didn't make me happy but I felt like it was a sure thing so maybe it's hormones.
Any advice/tips to think about before breaking it off to be alone to sort out my feelings? I don't want to but if it's that what it has to come down to to figure things out by myself I guess I would have to. But it would suck to only realize I'd miss him and long for him not realizing what I have only for him to not take me back when nothing was wrong in the 1st place.
posted by Asian_Hunnie at 10:16 AM on May 4, 2012
The short answer is yes this does happen, and it can be OK or not depending on your outlook. There's also a "you get out of it just a little more than you put into it" factor you might think about though. If making a big mushy deal out of things were sort of a habit of yours, I wouldn't be surprised if you found it more rewarding than it seems from where you are now.
posted by Monsieur Caution at 10:22 AM on May 4, 2012
posted by Monsieur Caution at 10:22 AM on May 4, 2012
when I see love movies or people's "love" on Facebook
Don't go by those. Movies and Facebook posts are fantasies, caricatures, fairy tales. They're things that happen to be considered effective in two-dimensional media. They've been exquisitely selected to give instant gratification to the audience. When you compare the full, day-to-day reality of your life to the cherry-picked representations on a screen (computer, film, TV), you're comparing apples and oranges. It isn't a fair comparison.
Look at how you describe your boyfriend: "He's everything I wanted in a relationship/person and makes me happy." Well, what more do you want? So many people would do anything to have what you have.
I mean isn't it stupid just to break up if nothing is wrong?
It can be the right decision to break up even though nothing is wrong. You could break up just because things aren't good enough. But is that really the case?
I do think it's a bad idea to break up just because you aren't feeling bad when he's away. If you feel good when he's around, but also feel fine when he's away, that itself isn't a problem. That sounds more like an ideal. I don't understand why people desire to feel bad when their significant other is absent, as if they want to balance out the good of the relationship.
posted by John Cohen at 10:24 AM on May 4, 2012 [8 favorites]
Don't go by those. Movies and Facebook posts are fantasies, caricatures, fairy tales. They're things that happen to be considered effective in two-dimensional media. They've been exquisitely selected to give instant gratification to the audience. When you compare the full, day-to-day reality of your life to the cherry-picked representations on a screen (computer, film, TV), you're comparing apples and oranges. It isn't a fair comparison.
Look at how you describe your boyfriend: "He's everything I wanted in a relationship/person and makes me happy." Well, what more do you want? So many people would do anything to have what you have.
I mean isn't it stupid just to break up if nothing is wrong?
It can be the right decision to break up even though nothing is wrong. You could break up just because things aren't good enough. But is that really the case?
I do think it's a bad idea to break up just because you aren't feeling bad when he's away. If you feel good when he's around, but also feel fine when he's away, that itself isn't a problem. That sounds more like an ideal. I don't understand why people desire to feel bad when their significant other is absent, as if they want to balance out the good of the relationship.
posted by John Cohen at 10:24 AM on May 4, 2012 [8 favorites]
If you're comparing your feelings and emotions and real life relationship with things that people write on their facebook pages or online somewhere... then keep in mind how easy it would be for you to write the same kinds of things online.
posted by infini at 10:24 AM on May 4, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by infini at 10:24 AM on May 4, 2012 [1 favorite]
…when I see love movies or people's "love" on Facebook.
well, what you shouldn't be doing is comparing your relationship to those in movies or on facebook. seriously.
posted by violetk at 10:24 AM on May 4, 2012 [7 favorites]
well, what you shouldn't be doing is comparing your relationship to those in movies or on facebook. seriously.
posted by violetk at 10:24 AM on May 4, 2012 [7 favorites]
Romance movies are movies. Fictions. And straight-up genre romance films are about as hackneyed as straight-up genre action films, as far as traits and motivations and actions are concerned. You shouldn't be basing your conceptions of love and romance on them any more than you should be basing your conception of life in the South American jungle on Predator. It would be nice (well, probably not) if life was like a romance flick, but it would also be nice to have superpowers. The likelihood is about even.
I've been on Facebook for six years. I have a few hundred friends. I can't recall the last time I saw a profession of love and mushiness that didn't coincide with a birthday or anniversary. Many of them are in healthy, loving, functional relationships. It just doesn't occur to them to make their feelings public, searchable and saveable.
if you want to break up with him and sort your shit out, please do. However, as you're sorting your shit out, you may want to recalibrate your expectations to the real world, and not films and Facebook walls. At the very least, go talk to your friends in the sorts of relationships you want to be in. See what works for them.
posted by griphus at 10:25 AM on May 4, 2012 [1 favorite]
I've been on Facebook for six years. I have a few hundred friends. I can't recall the last time I saw a profession of love and mushiness that didn't coincide with a birthday or anniversary. Many of them are in healthy, loving, functional relationships. It just doesn't occur to them to make their feelings public, searchable and saveable.
if you want to break up with him and sort your shit out, please do. However, as you're sorting your shit out, you may want to recalibrate your expectations to the real world, and not films and Facebook walls. At the very least, go talk to your friends in the sorts of relationships you want to be in. See what works for them.
posted by griphus at 10:25 AM on May 4, 2012 [1 favorite]
While it's common for the intense, butterflies-in-your-stomach passion to fade away after the 1-2 year mark, it's also possible to get that feeling back by doing adrenaline-rich activities. As his girlfriend, your job is to ensure he's satisfied in every way possible at all times; your dissatisfaction suggests that you need to make more of an effort to keep things exciting. Consider the following:
I'm sure you know that guys need to feel like they're sleeping with a variety of women in order to be sexually satisfied in a relationship. The best way to achieve this is to dye your hair a different color and change up your wardrobe choices every other year. I'd also recommend spicing up the Madonna/Whore thing by applying fake tattoos every once in a while to ensure your dude can feel like he's screwing a porn star one night and having his way with the prom queen the next. If you're up for it, you two might have fun arranging a fake affair!
Guys also can get their passion from participating in adventurous activities with their SOs. Why not go bungee jumping, skydiving, and/or para-sailing together? The more novelty you introduce into the relationship, the more likely he'll be to act manly enough to help you get that lovey dovey feeling again.
posted by lotusmish at 10:30 AM on May 4, 2012 [1 favorite]
I'm sure you know that guys need to feel like they're sleeping with a variety of women in order to be sexually satisfied in a relationship. The best way to achieve this is to dye your hair a different color and change up your wardrobe choices every other year. I'd also recommend spicing up the Madonna/Whore thing by applying fake tattoos every once in a while to ensure your dude can feel like he's screwing a porn star one night and having his way with the prom queen the next. If you're up for it, you two might have fun arranging a fake affair!
Guys also can get their passion from participating in adventurous activities with their SOs. Why not go bungee jumping, skydiving, and/or para-sailing together? The more novelty you introduce into the relationship, the more likely he'll be to act manly enough to help you get that lovey dovey feeling again.
posted by lotusmish at 10:30 AM on May 4, 2012 [1 favorite]
I really like this book: Is He Mr. Right?
The author has kind of a checklist on different kinds of chemistry, based on studies and her history of couples therapy, to see whether you're compatible.
posted by thebazilist at 10:34 AM on May 4, 2012
The author has kind of a checklist on different kinds of chemistry, based on studies and her history of couples therapy, to see whether you're compatible.
posted by thebazilist at 10:34 AM on May 4, 2012
Why are you comparing yourself to the performative declarations on Facebook? That path will only lead you to a dreary world of frowny faces and restless sadness.
I think this is something you have to weigh yourself, in terms of what you really feel is necessary or important, and not what the media/your friends/internet acquaintances think is the norm. I know that's really hard to do, but it's something you may want to try.
On one hand - I had that unbelievable, swooning hollywood spark with someone, once....he was abusive, and the relationship was dysfunctional. Total "dr. drew told-you-so" territory. So, having that same Defcon-level infatuation in my relationship now would be a red flag, and would make me run.
On the other - my partner and I are more comfortable, and there are lots of time when we are just mellow and coexisting together and doing stuff. This is because, unlike the situation described above, we are actually happy in this relationship. But...I still get twitterpated: I got that nervous, crushed-out, anticipatory feeling when I was waiting for him to come home from his last business trip, and sometimes, when he does or says certain things, I get all...you know. Blushed and giggly and giddy and stuff. And if that were totally missing, that would be a problem.
However, I should point out - we live together, but I don't even have my relationship status listed on facebook. I do not post on his wall; he does not post on mine. This is not because of any problem. This is how we prefer it. So...it's not like you can use our internet personas to judge our relationship. Just as you shouldn't use the persona of others to judge theirs.
I think you really need to think about what would make you happy, and to also consider that a lot of Hollywood/Facebook dramatic! romances! are just that - drama for good viewing. I did notice you said this on your last question: When I first saw him, I had the biggest crush on him and it's never been like that with anyone else. It kinda sounds like you guys have had that spark/mushiness; are you sure you're not confusing it with ungrounded expectations?
posted by vivid postcard at 10:34 AM on May 4, 2012 [2 favorites]
I think this is something you have to weigh yourself, in terms of what you really feel is necessary or important, and not what the media/your friends/internet acquaintances think is the norm. I know that's really hard to do, but it's something you may want to try.
On one hand - I had that unbelievable, swooning hollywood spark with someone, once....he was abusive, and the relationship was dysfunctional. Total "dr. drew told-you-so" territory. So, having that same Defcon-level infatuation in my relationship now would be a red flag, and would make me run.
On the other - my partner and I are more comfortable, and there are lots of time when we are just mellow and coexisting together and doing stuff. This is because, unlike the situation described above, we are actually happy in this relationship. But...I still get twitterpated: I got that nervous, crushed-out, anticipatory feeling when I was waiting for him to come home from his last business trip, and sometimes, when he does or says certain things, I get all...you know. Blushed and giggly and giddy and stuff. And if that were totally missing, that would be a problem.
However, I should point out - we live together, but I don't even have my relationship status listed on facebook. I do not post on his wall; he does not post on mine. This is not because of any problem. This is how we prefer it. So...it's not like you can use our internet personas to judge our relationship. Just as you shouldn't use the persona of others to judge theirs.
I think you really need to think about what would make you happy, and to also consider that a lot of Hollywood/Facebook dramatic! romances! are just that - drama for good viewing. I did notice you said this on your last question: When I first saw him, I had the biggest crush on him and it's never been like that with anyone else. It kinda sounds like you guys have had that spark/mushiness; are you sure you're not confusing it with ungrounded expectations?
posted by vivid postcard at 10:34 AM on May 4, 2012 [2 favorites]
As his girlfriend, your job is to ensure he's satisfied in every way possible at all times; your dissatisfaction suggests that you need to make more of an effort to keep things exciting.
Uh...no. No, that's not your job at all. Not even close.
posted by little mouth at 10:39 AM on May 4, 2012 [59 favorites]
Uh...no. No, that's not your job at all. Not even close.
posted by little mouth at 10:39 AM on May 4, 2012 [59 favorites]
It's impossible for us to really know if the relationship you have is a successful one or one you should be content with. But I will say that it is absolutely the common conclusion of millennia of human reflection upon this that the experience of love changes after the heady early days of the relationship. Not that it gets worse or attenuates, necessarily (although that's not an uncommon opinion), but that the experience of the first flush of attraction is its own very particular heady mixture of intoxication and anxiety and projections and discoveries that by its very nature cannot be indefinitely extended.
It sounds to me as if you're a little bit addicted to that "early days" feeling and that what you're missing is the whole "Oh my god, I think I'm falling in love! Oh my god, he's falling in love with me!! Oh wow, we're discovering so much about each other every time we talk!!!" dynamic. I've known a few people in my life who couldn't get past that particular rush, and would end almost all their relationships within a few months so that they could keep having the high of "first love" over and over again. It didn't usually seem to end up being a very happy lifestyle.
You might find it useful to start thinking about the kinds of pleasures you get from being in a relationship with someone over the long haul--the sense of shared history, of genuinely knowing someone and having someone genuinely know you (not just the version of yourself that you maintain during the early romance days), the shared jokes, the slow discoveries, getting to see someone evolve and grow to become a different person, having someone observe your own evolutions and be able to reflect them back to you.
Yes, there's less of the giddy intoxication feeling, but you also come to realize how merely chemical and ungrounded in any actual personal reality that feeling is. First love is full of that "OMG, I love you so much I could just die on the spot!" feeling, but it's rooted in incredibly shallow soil--it's mostly just a kind of play-acting; you're living out the Hollywood movie in your head. It's nothing at all beside the overwhelming feeling of love--less dazzling and less intoxicating but far richer and far more real--that you can feel looking at someone sleeping beside you who has been your companion of decades, a love that is rooted in the richness of a shared history of triumphs, failures, arguments, experiences profound and silly, adventures, mundanities etc. etc. This current guy may or may not be the one you want to share your life with, but I think it would be sad to give up on the experience of sharing your life just so you can chase the dragon of that "first love" experience over and over again.
posted by yoink at 10:42 AM on May 4, 2012 [5 favorites]
It sounds to me as if you're a little bit addicted to that "early days" feeling and that what you're missing is the whole "Oh my god, I think I'm falling in love! Oh my god, he's falling in love with me!! Oh wow, we're discovering so much about each other every time we talk!!!" dynamic. I've known a few people in my life who couldn't get past that particular rush, and would end almost all their relationships within a few months so that they could keep having the high of "first love" over and over again. It didn't usually seem to end up being a very happy lifestyle.
You might find it useful to start thinking about the kinds of pleasures you get from being in a relationship with someone over the long haul--the sense of shared history, of genuinely knowing someone and having someone genuinely know you (not just the version of yourself that you maintain during the early romance days), the shared jokes, the slow discoveries, getting to see someone evolve and grow to become a different person, having someone observe your own evolutions and be able to reflect them back to you.
Yes, there's less of the giddy intoxication feeling, but you also come to realize how merely chemical and ungrounded in any actual personal reality that feeling is. First love is full of that "OMG, I love you so much I could just die on the spot!" feeling, but it's rooted in incredibly shallow soil--it's mostly just a kind of play-acting; you're living out the Hollywood movie in your head. It's nothing at all beside the overwhelming feeling of love--less dazzling and less intoxicating but far richer and far more real--that you can feel looking at someone sleeping beside you who has been your companion of decades, a love that is rooted in the richness of a shared history of triumphs, failures, arguments, experiences profound and silly, adventures, mundanities etc. etc. This current guy may or may not be the one you want to share your life with, but I think it would be sad to give up on the experience of sharing your life just so you can chase the dragon of that "first love" experience over and over again.
posted by yoink at 10:42 AM on May 4, 2012 [5 favorites]
As his girlfriend, your job is to ensure he's satisfied in every way possible at all times; your dissatisfaction suggests that you need to make more of an effort to keep things exciting.
No, I'm pretty sure you're thinking of a geisha.
posted by griphus at 10:43 AM on May 4, 2012 [28 favorites]
No, I'm pretty sure you're thinking of a geisha.
posted by griphus at 10:43 AM on May 4, 2012 [28 favorites]
As his girlfriend, your job is to ensure he's satisfied in every way possible at all times; your dissatisfaction suggests that you need to make more of an effort to keep things exciting.
I could not disagree more with this, this is not your job.
Comparing your relationship to the outward facebook appearance of other people's relationships isn't fair to you or your partner. You live in the real world, and you sound like you have a very pleasant relationship, but even pleasant relationships aren't all sunshine and rainbows all the time. It's very easy to only post mushy positive things on Facebook and not ever talk about struggles.
I also want to note that if you aren't happy, you don't have to stay with someone just because they are nice.
posted by Nimmie Amee at 10:44 AM on May 4, 2012 [2 favorites]
I could not disagree more with this, this is not your job.
Comparing your relationship to the outward facebook appearance of other people's relationships isn't fair to you or your partner. You live in the real world, and you sound like you have a very pleasant relationship, but even pleasant relationships aren't all sunshine and rainbows all the time. It's very easy to only post mushy positive things on Facebook and not ever talk about struggles.
I also want to note that if you aren't happy, you don't have to stay with someone just because they are nice.
posted by Nimmie Amee at 10:44 AM on May 4, 2012 [2 favorites]
My question is, "Is this common feeling?" and "What is the best thing to do?"
1: Yes.
2: You should probably delete your Facebook account, cut yourself off from social media in general, and for that matter cease consuming media about relationships for a period of time. Call it six months, a year would be better. This is not facetious at all. It's clearly causing some rather distorted views that aren't at all helpful. Be in your relationship and judge it by your experience and what it is; don't be in the narratives of relationships which aren't yours.
posted by Drastic at 10:44 AM on May 4, 2012
1: Yes.
2: You should probably delete your Facebook account, cut yourself off from social media in general, and for that matter cease consuming media about relationships for a period of time. Call it six months, a year would be better. This is not facetious at all. It's clearly causing some rather distorted views that aren't at all helpful. Be in your relationship and judge it by your experience and what it is; don't be in the narratives of relationships which aren't yours.
posted by Drastic at 10:44 AM on May 4, 2012
Being a data-based decision maker, I started tracking my moods, including "mushy" and "indifferent," and was appalled to discover that my sincere and well-considered feelings were 95% correllated to my menstrual cycle. Have you tried tracking them?
posted by small_ruminant at 10:48 AM on May 4, 2012 [7 favorites]
posted by small_ruminant at 10:48 AM on May 4, 2012 [7 favorites]
I'm sure you know that guys need to feel like they're sleeping with a variety of women in order to be sexually satisfied in a relationship. The best way to achieve this is to dye your hair a different color and change up your wardrobe choices every other year. I'd also recommend spicing up the Madonna/Whore thing by applying fake tattoos every once in a while to ensure your dude can feel like he's screwing a porn star one night and having his way with the prom queen the next. If you're up for it, you two might have fun arranging a fake affair!
"Guys" like all kinds of different things. I'm a guy and I would absolutely hate it if my wife were to be persuaded that this was in any way, shape or form a good idea. YM not only M but invariably DOES V.
posted by yoink at 10:48 AM on May 4, 2012 [4 favorites]
"Guys" like all kinds of different things. I'm a guy and I would absolutely hate it if my wife were to be persuaded that this was in any way, shape or form a good idea. YM not only M but invariably DOES V.
posted by yoink at 10:48 AM on May 4, 2012 [4 favorites]
As his girlfriend, your job is to ensure he's satisfied in every way possible at all times; your dissatisfaction suggests that you need to make more of an effort to keep things exciting.
actually, that's his job.
posted by violetk at 10:53 AM on May 4, 2012 [6 favorites]
actually, that's his job.
posted by violetk at 10:53 AM on May 4, 2012 [6 favorites]
What you are describing is more your problem than a relationship problem. Do you get bored easily? Do you often envy other people's lives? Do you romanticize things?
It's been my experience that people who are very showy with their romances aren't quite as loving when they don't have an audience. Ignore facebook.
posted by myselfasme at 10:55 AM on May 4, 2012 [1 favorite]
It's been my experience that people who are very showy with their romances aren't quite as loving when they don't have an audience. Ignore facebook.
posted by myselfasme at 10:55 AM on May 4, 2012 [1 favorite]
Only you can decide what kind of love you want, but my life got a lot better when I stopped falling for "omg what if I'm not feeling what I'm supposed to be feeling?? Are we doomed? Am I settling?" anxiety and just accepted my day in day out contentment as the happiness it is.
posted by salvia at 11:05 AM on May 4, 2012
posted by salvia at 11:05 AM on May 4, 2012
I think you should just talk to him about this. That's what I think.
posted by Capri at 11:11 AM on May 4, 2012 [2 favorites]
posted by Capri at 11:11 AM on May 4, 2012 [2 favorites]
My long-term relationship goes through trends. For months at a time I will feel sorta "meh" about my partner, we don't have much sex, our relationship seems to revolve around housework and the like--it feels functional but not romantic. And then we will have some conversation, or go out on a date, or do something nice for each other, and my world gets all sparkly. It's not like a new relationship sparkliness, but it's still exciting. I have this person! They are awesome! I'm lucky!
It is not as exciting as Hollywood would make you think. Or it would be, if you took a long video of your relationship, and then clipped it to only show the highlights. But when you are in a long relationship, like in a long marathon, you pace yourself--it can't be super exciting all the time, that'd be exhausting. But *sometimes* it's good to do something special. Do you go on dates? Maybe a field trip to someplace new. Or play a board game. Or go bowling. Or whatever you like to do together, to remind yourself of why you are in the relationship. (and Capri's suggestion: while you're there, talk about it. "So, lately I feel like...is that how you feel too?")
posted by epanalepsis at 11:32 AM on May 4, 2012
It is not as exciting as Hollywood would make you think. Or it would be, if you took a long video of your relationship, and then clipped it to only show the highlights. But when you are in a long relationship, like in a long marathon, you pace yourself--it can't be super exciting all the time, that'd be exhausting. But *sometimes* it's good to do something special. Do you go on dates? Maybe a field trip to someplace new. Or play a board game. Or go bowling. Or whatever you like to do together, to remind yourself of why you are in the relationship. (and Capri's suggestion: while you're there, talk about it. "So, lately I feel like...is that how you feel too?")
posted by epanalepsis at 11:32 AM on May 4, 2012
Response by poster: Thanks everyone. Helped very much. Also, the "mood" thing about the menstrual cycle is actually VERY interesting and probably has a lot to do with it.
:)
posted by Asian_Hunnie at 11:52 AM on May 4, 2012
:)
posted by Asian_Hunnie at 11:52 AM on May 4, 2012
Five years with only a month off before jumping back in is hard to reconcile when you are young and you have a longing to be both carefree and all-consumed by love. You might need time to just be you, and to become the next best you, and then bring that to the next relationship.
posted by thinkpiece at 12:05 PM on May 4, 2012
posted by thinkpiece at 12:05 PM on May 4, 2012
but I still feel like I can't help but have this feeling pop up once in a while when I see love movies or people's "love" on Facebook.
I've posted lovey things on Facebook about my wife of three years. On our anniversary a few days ago I considered posting a few pictures from our wedding day from the hour of that day; here's me doing this thing in the morning, here's a few of our pre-wedding photos, here's a shot of her walking down the aisle, here's the first dance. I didn't have the time in my day but I gave it a little thought and the idea of doing it made me smile.
I have never pondered for more than a second posting "Jesus, can't she fucking get the dish all the way to the dishwasher," "ugh we scheduled a date night tonight and I'd really just like to lay back and finish my book," "business travel for the wife = getting to watch South Park without her rolling her eyes over the 'funny voices tv'"
But I assure you, the desire to post those is every bit as strong.
So make your own decisions and have the relationship you want. If you insist on burning passion, that's your right. But don't judge what things should/could be based on what you see on screen or Facebook. Both are completely flawed representations.
posted by phearlez at 12:07 PM on May 4, 2012
I've posted lovey things on Facebook about my wife of three years. On our anniversary a few days ago I considered posting a few pictures from our wedding day from the hour of that day; here's me doing this thing in the morning, here's a few of our pre-wedding photos, here's a shot of her walking down the aisle, here's the first dance. I didn't have the time in my day but I gave it a little thought and the idea of doing it made me smile.
I have never pondered for more than a second posting "Jesus, can't she fucking get the dish all the way to the dishwasher," "ugh we scheduled a date night tonight and I'd really just like to lay back and finish my book," "business travel for the wife = getting to watch South Park without her rolling her eyes over the 'funny voices tv'"
But I assure you, the desire to post those is every bit as strong.
So make your own decisions and have the relationship you want. If you insist on burning passion, that's your right. But don't judge what things should/could be based on what you see on screen or Facebook. Both are completely flawed representations.
posted by phearlez at 12:07 PM on May 4, 2012
Yes, this is generally normal. Passion ebbs and flows and once you're "comfortable" some of the mushiness tends to go away.
I sometimes wonder if the people making the Facebook posts you're referring to are trying to prove something (to themselves or to their family and friends). I mean, why are you publicly posting your intimate moments. Why aren't you keeping them private? Who are you trying to convince?!
posted by asnider at 12:20 PM on May 4, 2012
I sometimes wonder if the people making the Facebook posts you're referring to are trying to prove something (to themselves or to their family and friends). I mean, why are you publicly posting your intimate moments. Why aren't you keeping them private? Who are you trying to convince?!
posted by asnider at 12:20 PM on May 4, 2012
Oh please. Stop reading fanciful books and websites that are full of "ever passionate love" There is no such thing. Think about your family that you grew up in-even though they are blood relationships were you madly always in love with them? Didnt you just hate your mom or your sibling or the person you most loved in the family? Why should it be different from this one SO that you have. You may not hate him but you may not love him or be passionate with him all the time.
Friction is part of life. Things that are closer to us lose its value and we yearn for things that are far away. Relationships are all about growing up -together and accepting the fact that we wont love each other every minute of the day. But at the end of the day, if you can hug each other and be thankful for it, well then that's it. I would call that love, not the silly passionate stuff they show in movies.
posted by pakora1 at 1:42 PM on May 4, 2012 [3 favorites]
Friction is part of life. Things that are closer to us lose its value and we yearn for things that are far away. Relationships are all about growing up -together and accepting the fact that we wont love each other every minute of the day. But at the end of the day, if you can hug each other and be thankful for it, well then that's it. I would call that love, not the silly passionate stuff they show in movies.
posted by pakora1 at 1:42 PM on May 4, 2012 [3 favorites]
Things ebb and flow, just as others have said. We've been together 16 years and there are times when being away from one another is just so damn hard, and other times when I just want time away from him.
Once you get past the initial puppy love stage, of course you won't always be so intense with things. Look at most relationships around you, the first couple years things are very intense, then they move to a more normal, long term level, which is perfect normal.
I'm not saying you shouldn't feel love or passion for your partner, but, the same first months level of intensity (can't be apart, sad if you are, sex every night, etc) just isn't sustainable forever. I adore my husband, think he is the best thing since sliced bread, but there are still times I just want to go out with the girls and have fun.
posted by SuzySmith at 3:08 PM on May 4, 2012
Once you get past the initial puppy love stage, of course you won't always be so intense with things. Look at most relationships around you, the first couple years things are very intense, then they move to a more normal, long term level, which is perfect normal.
I'm not saying you shouldn't feel love or passion for your partner, but, the same first months level of intensity (can't be apart, sad if you are, sex every night, etc) just isn't sustainable forever. I adore my husband, think he is the best thing since sliced bread, but there are still times I just want to go out with the girls and have fun.
posted by SuzySmith at 3:08 PM on May 4, 2012
previously... and related and related. Not to mention your previous post...
posted by KogeLiz at 3:24 PM on May 4, 2012
posted by KogeLiz at 3:24 PM on May 4, 2012
I've been married for almost 14 years and there are days I despise my wife. It's not anything wrong with her, per se, but I just can't believe that I committed myself to her for the rest of my life! I can't stand the way she eats, the things she says, the looks on her face.......
But it only lasts a day or so, and the other 364 of the year are fine.
So there's that.
posted by tacodave at 3:33 PM on May 4, 2012 [1 favorite]
But it only lasts a day or so, and the other 364 of the year are fine.
So there's that.
posted by tacodave at 3:33 PM on May 4, 2012 [1 favorite]
Following on from lotusmish's suggestions, I'd like to propose that you meet your boyfriend at the door one day wearing nothing but clingfilm.
... Just kidding. Actually, your relationship sounds fine. Totally normal. It's now time to experience a less incandescent, but more profound type of happiness. If you leave your partner every time you stop feeling "mushy" toward them, you'll have a very sad life.
posted by Perodicticus potto at 3:24 AM on May 5, 2012 [1 favorite]
... Just kidding. Actually, your relationship sounds fine. Totally normal. It's now time to experience a less incandescent, but more profound type of happiness. If you leave your partner every time you stop feeling "mushy" toward them, you'll have a very sad life.
posted by Perodicticus potto at 3:24 AM on May 5, 2012 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
I don't long for him, but I do miss his dimpled face when he's not around, or if I'm on the road or something.
I'd much rather do things with him than without him. (Except shopping, that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.)
As for all that mushy passion, yeah, well, that was fun a while ago, but I've got shit to do, you know?
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 10:11 AM on May 4, 2012 [7 favorites]