How do you know if you need or needed sparks?
October 24, 2011 4:14 PM Subscribe
Help me figure out my own nature when it comes to passion in long term relationships. Yes, it's quite a bit late for me to be asking this.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (14 answers total) 10 users marked this as a favorite
Short story: married a decade, non monogamous (many years ago, both of our choice), no kids, married young with very little experience. Spark was lacking at the beginning but connection was good, and I was too uncertain of myself to listen to any doubts then. Decade has shown us we're great long term companions with good chemistry, closely aligned lifestyle, excellent communication and negotiation, love each other dearly, work well as a couple.
I've had a voice in my head the whole time quietly questioning it, wondering if I've compromised a deep personal need that's never going to sit right: to be, or at least have been at one point just crazy about my chosen partner. Sometimes this voice is faint. Stronger each time I have a lover I'm passionate about (see: non monogamous). It's never silent. I don't know how to answer this voice and it's turning me into a troll of a husband, wondering.
Most conversations here about "sparks" split in two groups: some need it, some don't. I am unsure. Don't know what kind of person I am; married too early to tell, no experience taking that path. Here's my question: if you know you are, or are not, the sort to require an intense spark up front in a long term relationship, *how* do you know that about yourself?
Is there some way I can look at things, people, life, relationships ... some question I can ask myself, for which my own nature, my own needs, might become more resoundingly clear to me in answering? I just want to put the question to rest. I'm tired of wasting everyone's time and patience with indecision. My wife does not deserve a doubting spouse.
Please refrain from lecturing about commitment, monogamy or the nature of marriage; I can guilt myself plenty well for past failures. Just help me know this part of myself, so I can limit the hurt I cause in the future.