How do I let the girl I'm dating off the hook without hurting her feelings (that much)?
August 31, 2011 8:04 PM Subscribe
How do I let the girl I'm dating off the hook without hurting her feelings (that much)?
It was a down summer for me emotionally and physically, so I hopped on OKcupid again and got a couple of replies. The girl that stood out the most was a little bigger (well eh, she is big) than I would have liked, but I was so down on myself that I loved the attention when she would reply to my long messages with long messages in turn etc. I wouldn't say hormones got the best of me in th decision to go out with her anyway, but rather the attention she gave me. Constant back and forth texts after dates and before also, but now things are starting to enter the point of no return with the dating.
I realize it was a mistake now to lead her on (we've been on two dates, with a 3rd date this tues....which is what I'm trying to figure out what to do) and want to end it. I haven't told her we're in a relationship, but she likely believes we are. As cliched as it is, she does have a great personality and listens as well as a nice rack... but she's overweight and more overweight than I'm willing to deal with long-term.
Now that I'm back in school, I see so many amazing girls that it's just like... who am I kidding with the current one I'm dating? I say that trying not to sound arrogant... but I just simply realize that if I'd start chatting up attractive girls in the first place that I wouldn't have to settle for less.
Do I try and turn this into a "it's not you, it's me" thing? How to best approach the "I really am breaking up with you because of your weight" deal?
It was a down summer for me emotionally and physically, so I hopped on OKcupid again and got a couple of replies. The girl that stood out the most was a little bigger (well eh, she is big) than I would have liked, but I was so down on myself that I loved the attention when she would reply to my long messages with long messages in turn etc. I wouldn't say hormones got the best of me in th decision to go out with her anyway, but rather the attention she gave me. Constant back and forth texts after dates and before also, but now things are starting to enter the point of no return with the dating.
I realize it was a mistake now to lead her on (we've been on two dates, with a 3rd date this tues....which is what I'm trying to figure out what to do) and want to end it. I haven't told her we're in a relationship, but she likely believes we are. As cliched as it is, she does have a great personality and listens as well as a nice rack... but she's overweight and more overweight than I'm willing to deal with long-term.
Now that I'm back in school, I see so many amazing girls that it's just like... who am I kidding with the current one I'm dating? I say that trying not to sound arrogant... but I just simply realize that if I'd start chatting up attractive girls in the first place that I wouldn't have to settle for less.
Do I try and turn this into a "it's not you, it's me" thing? How to best approach the "I really am breaking up with you because of your weight" deal?
Just tell her that you don't really see this going anywhere.
She might guess/suspect/imagine you don't want her because of her size, but there's no point in discussing that.
For both your sakes, I hope you haven't slept with her yet.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 8:09 PM on August 31, 2011 [1 favorite]
She might guess/suspect/imagine you don't want her because of her size, but there's no point in discussing that.
For both your sakes, I hope you haven't slept with her yet.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 8:09 PM on August 31, 2011 [1 favorite]
How to best approach the "I really am breaking up with you because of your weight" deal?
Don't do it, bro. Break up with her in whatever manner you deem most kind and appropriate: leave the weight thing out of it unless you want to be branded as an asshat with every mutual acquaintance the two of you ever share.
posted by phunniemee at 8:11 PM on August 31, 2011 [28 favorites]
Don't do it, bro. Break up with her in whatever manner you deem most kind and appropriate: leave the weight thing out of it unless you want to be branded as an asshat with every mutual acquaintance the two of you ever share.
posted by phunniemee at 8:11 PM on August 31, 2011 [28 favorites]
I say that trying not to sound arrogant... but I just simply realize that if I'd start chatting up attractive girls in the first place that I wouldn't have to settle for less.
Tell her that you are doing her a favor by breaking up with her, because you really, really are.
posted by crankylex at 8:11 PM on August 31, 2011 [118 favorites]
Tell her that you are doing her a favor by breaking up with her, because you really, really are.
posted by crankylex at 8:11 PM on August 31, 2011 [118 favorites]
Do I try and turn this into a "it's not you, it's me" thing?
In other words, do you lie to her? Well, when the alternative is...
"I really am breaking up with you because of your weight"
... I would think, Yes, yes you should lie. If she only suspects that's the reason, opinions of you will be low enough without explicitly telling her your reasoning.
posted by supercres at 8:14 PM on August 31, 2011 [2 favorites]
In other words, do you lie to her? Well, when the alternative is...
"I really am breaking up with you because of your weight"
... I would think, Yes, yes you should lie. If she only suspects that's the reason, opinions of you will be low enough without explicitly telling her your reasoning.
posted by supercres at 8:14 PM on August 31, 2011 [2 favorites]
Do I try and turn this into a "it's not you, it's me" thing? How to best approach the "I really am breaking up with you because of your weight" deal?
For the love of all that is holy, do NOT tell someone you met on OKCupid that you've been on two frigging dates with that you're kicking her to the curb because she's overweight. Don't mention the "nice rack" either, or all the hot girls that want you, etc, etc. Just tell her you no longer want to see her. Sheesh.
posted by futureisunwritten at 8:17 PM on August 31, 2011 [12 favorites]
For the love of all that is holy, do NOT tell someone you met on OKCupid that you've been on two frigging dates with that you're kicking her to the curb because she's overweight. Don't mention the "nice rack" either, or all the hot girls that want you, etc, etc. Just tell her you no longer want to see her. Sheesh.
posted by futureisunwritten at 8:17 PM on August 31, 2011 [12 favorites]
this is not the time for miko's (awesome) script. That's a script for breaking up with someone you're in a relationship with, whereas you have been on two dates. Send her an email saying that you're sorry for the short notice, and that it was nice meeting her, but you don't see this going anywhere and you are canceling the third date. Done.
posted by moxiedoll at 8:20 PM on August 31, 2011 [13 favorites]
posted by moxiedoll at 8:20 PM on August 31, 2011 [13 favorites]
I won't judge you on all the messaging prior to meeting her necessarily, but I will say...
LOTS of people lie in their online dating photos. Too bad you found a disjoint between her looks and personality unacceptable. Happens.
In the future meet sooner rather than later to avoid this sort of awkwardness in the future.
That is all.
posted by jbenben at 8:24 PM on August 31, 2011
LOTS of people lie in their online dating photos. Too bad you found a disjoint between her looks and personality unacceptable. Happens.
In the future meet sooner rather than later to avoid this sort of awkwardness in the future.
That is all.
posted by jbenben at 8:24 PM on August 31, 2011
Two dates? Why do you think she believes you are in a relationship? Fat doesn't equal stupid or desperate (or objectively unattractive--just unattractive to you). Just be nice & tell her that you don't see a connection. It might hurt her feelings, because rejection isn't pleasant, but she'll get over it. Don't mention the weight.
posted by studioaudience at 8:28 PM on August 31, 2011 [22 favorites]
posted by studioaudience at 8:28 PM on August 31, 2011 [22 favorites]
You're not breaking up with her because of her weight. You're breaking up with her because you dated her for attention-seeking reasons when there wasn't any attraction there in the first place. You should extract yourself without explaining as much in order to not ruin her perception that people are mostly well-intentioned, yes. Given it's only been a couple of dates, I see nothing wrong with an email saying you don't think it's going anywhere but it was lovely meeting her and that you wish her well.
posted by springbound at 8:37 PM on August 31, 2011 [9 favorites]
posted by springbound at 8:37 PM on August 31, 2011 [9 favorites]
You don't feel the two of you have the right chemistry that you need to make it work.
posted by mleigh at 8:39 PM on August 31, 2011
posted by mleigh at 8:39 PM on August 31, 2011
So. There's a great girl that you found interesting because of who she was, not because of what she looks like and you want to dump her because you think that there are a plethora of hotter girls out there with no concept of who they are as people?
Yeah, it very much sounds like you are, in fact, breaking it off because of who you are, not because of anything about her. Do her the favor. She'll hate you. Briefly. Before she realizes how much better off she is.
posted by FlamingBore at 8:40 PM on August 31, 2011 [29 favorites]
Yeah, it very much sounds like you are, in fact, breaking it off because of who you are, not because of anything about her. Do her the favor. She'll hate you. Briefly. Before she realizes how much better off she is.
posted by FlamingBore at 8:40 PM on August 31, 2011 [29 favorites]
Actually, you do sound arrogant. You felt down so you used her to lift your spirits a bit and feel desirable?
Would you really like someone to talk or think about you as "settling for less"? (No doubt, eventually one of those "amazing" girls will.)
Please, do this girl a favor and end it cleanly so she can move on and find someone who's not just using her as a pick-me-up.
posted by pourtant at 8:43 PM on August 31, 2011 [18 favorites]
Would you really like someone to talk or think about you as "settling for less"? (No doubt, eventually one of those "amazing" girls will.)
Please, do this girl a favor and end it cleanly so she can move on and find someone who's not just using her as a pick-me-up.
posted by pourtant at 8:43 PM on August 31, 2011 [18 favorites]
Email her and tell her you're not feeling it, wish her the best, and get it over with. Honestly, after two dates, she may not really care that much. She may not be nearly as into you as you suspect she is, either, you know.
posted by Countess Sandwich at 9:02 PM on August 31, 2011 [3 favorites]
posted by Countess Sandwich at 9:02 PM on August 31, 2011 [3 favorites]
I realize it was a mistake now to lead her on (we've been on two dates, with a 3rd date this tues....which is what I'm trying to figure out what to do)
Eh you could just totally sever. Don't return her calls, ditch her on Facebook, etc. Its not the nicest thing to do, but if its only been two dates I think its acceptable. Just tell her you're not into her first.
posted by Lovecraft In Brooklyn at 9:22 PM on August 31, 2011
*Do not* bring up the weight thing, unless you want to look like an ass. Meet her on Tuesday, tell her you need to talk, tell her you don't feel like it's working on your end. It might hurt her, or it might not, but that's the most sympathetic way to handle it.
posted by Gilbert at 9:35 PM on August 31, 2011
posted by Gilbert at 9:35 PM on August 31, 2011
For the love of god, you only went on TWO DATES. It's not a big thing. Just email or phone her and tell her you don't think it's going to work out/aren't feeling a spark. That's it. Finito.
posted by grapesaresour at 9:41 PM on August 31, 2011 [8 favorites]
posted by grapesaresour at 9:41 PM on August 31, 2011 [8 favorites]
You're kind of a shit but if you're too scared to speak with her directly, a text or Facebook message along the lines of "You're a really awesome person, and I mean that, but I am just not ready for a relationship at this stage in my life. I hope you take good care of yourself and it was nice knowing you, I had a lot of fun on our two dates. Be safe!"
posted by tumid dahlia at 9:43 PM on August 31, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by tumid dahlia at 9:43 PM on August 31, 2011 [2 favorites]
Don't mention the weight. Agreeing with others that you are within the range where a simple cut-off email is appropriate. This isn't a "break-up" because you have only gone out twice. Sever it cleanly, quietly, and not fat-shamingly.
PS, if you were horny for her before, that means she is attractive enough for you. Sorry if that interferes with your illusions of having "higher" standards.
posted by hermitosis at 9:44 PM on August 31, 2011 [11 favorites]
PS, if you were horny for her before, that means she is attractive enough for you. Sorry if that interferes with your illusions of having "higher" standards.
posted by hermitosis at 9:44 PM on August 31, 2011 [11 favorites]
Frankly I am not sure why you even mention her weight in this question. do you want us to confirm that you are not shallow....or what? Or that your reason for breaking it off with her is not good enough?
You've been on two dates. If you are not feeling it, just tell her. DO NOT MENTION HER WEIGHT.
That's all.
posted by bearette at 11:04 PM on August 31, 2011 [3 favorites]
You've been on two dates. If you are not feeling it, just tell her. DO NOT MENTION HER WEIGHT.
That's all.
posted by bearette at 11:04 PM on August 31, 2011 [3 favorites]
AFAICS, it *is* you, so I think you can do the "it's not you, it's me" thing, and not be lying at all.
posted by Pigpen at 11:59 PM on August 31, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by Pigpen at 11:59 PM on August 31, 2011 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Isoman, I'm sorry that some of the responses have been abusive. You've shared the fact that it's been a bad time for you and implied you were in an emotionally fragile state. You didn't need abuse. You are not a shit, nor are you such a bad person that this woman is obviously better off without you. Sexual attraction for most people has a lot to do with appearance, and all the personality in the world can't make you attracted if you don't feel it.
However she IS better off without someone who sees her as "settling for less." If you want to do right by her (as you seem to) break it off cleanly and honestly but NOT with any mention of her physical shortcomings. Do it in person.
You exchanged lots of e-mails with her; did you confide what a tough time you were going through? Then tell her you're still working through a lot ('cause it sounds like that's true) and are still figuring out what you want, not in any frame of mind for a relationship, etc. You don't want to hurt her or lead her on by continuing in a way that would mislead her. Then get out of her life and let her look for someone who'll appreciate her more.
And thank her for helping you come as far as you have through the depression.
posted by wjm at 4:15 AM on September 1, 2011 [2 favorites]
However she IS better off without someone who sees her as "settling for less." If you want to do right by her (as you seem to) break it off cleanly and honestly but NOT with any mention of her physical shortcomings. Do it in person.
You exchanged lots of e-mails with her; did you confide what a tough time you were going through? Then tell her you're still working through a lot ('cause it sounds like that's true) and are still figuring out what you want, not in any frame of mind for a relationship, etc. You don't want to hurt her or lead her on by continuing in a way that would mislead her. Then get out of her life and let her look for someone who'll appreciate her more.
And thank her for helping you come as far as you have through the depression.
posted by wjm at 4:15 AM on September 1, 2011 [2 favorites]
Sexual attraction for most people has a lot to do with appearance, and all the personality in the world can't make you attracted if you don't feel it.
He knew he wasn't attracted to her before he even replied to her first message. He used her to feel better about himself. I don't care how depressed he was, that is not OK.
posted by missmagenta at 4:24 AM on September 1, 2011 [7 favorites]
He knew he wasn't attracted to her before he even replied to her first message. He used her to feel better about himself. I don't care how depressed he was, that is not OK.
posted by missmagenta at 4:24 AM on September 1, 2011 [7 favorites]
isoman2kx: sorry if you were genuine and I misread. I just looked into your posting history and realised that might be the case - if so I hope you'll accept my apologies.
posted by springbound at 4:31 AM on September 1, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by springbound at 4:31 AM on September 1, 2011 [1 favorite]
Never mention someone's weight when rejecting them. Just never ever do it. Even if it's the only thing you don't like about them or if they blatantly lied about it on their profile. You know how you've been going through a lot of shit this past summer? Other people have their own painful shit, and being overweight is often a contributor or side effect of that shit.
Is there anything you tend to fixate on as "wrong" with you when you go through a depressed episode? Anything that you tend to feel especially sucky and self-conscious about? Imagine someone telling you that thing is why they don't want to date you, and you might get the idea. (I've been seriously depressed in the past, and I often fixated on my undateability during those times, and in particular my weight.)
Wish her the best and say you're not ready to be dating. It's a weaselly cliche most of the time, but if you're putting aside your standards (shallow or not) for the sake of attention, it's true, you aren't ready yet.
posted by Metroid Baby at 4:38 AM on September 1, 2011 [4 favorites]
Is there anything you tend to fixate on as "wrong" with you when you go through a depressed episode? Anything that you tend to feel especially sucky and self-conscious about? Imagine someone telling you that thing is why they don't want to date you, and you might get the idea. (I've been seriously depressed in the past, and I often fixated on my undateability during those times, and in particular my weight.)
Wish her the best and say you're not ready to be dating. It's a weaselly cliche most of the time, but if you're putting aside your standards (shallow or not) for the sake of attention, it's true, you aren't ready yet.
posted by Metroid Baby at 4:38 AM on September 1, 2011 [4 favorites]
I like grapesaresour's answer. I think the key here is telling the truth - that you just aren't attracted to her - without too much detail. Saying that you "just don't feel a spark" is perfectly acceptable, and you don't have to elaborate on why. All of us know people we think are great but aren't necessarily attracted to.
Just don't say the words "It's not you, it's me." It's cliched and patronizing. I once had a guy say that to me, and I knew right away that he was lying.
posted by LaurenIpsum at 5:31 AM on September 1, 2011
Just don't say the words "It's not you, it's me." It's cliched and patronizing. I once had a guy say that to me, and I knew right away that he was lying.
posted by LaurenIpsum at 5:31 AM on September 1, 2011
Are you my ex-boyfriend? Well, actually, I know you're not. But you sound exactly like an ex of mine. We dated for a few months and things seemed great and holy shit was he ever into the sex! But I'm fat. So when he got a whiff of attention from some girl he thought was hotter, ooh boy, he dumped me so fucking fast it was incredible! When pressed for a reason he straight up told me that I was too fat for him and he thought he deserved someone more in his league.
Cut to two years later... I'm in a long-term relationship with an awesome man, and the ex I was too fat for? He's still alone. Has been this whole time, from what I hear. His notions of what kind of woman he's entitled to didn't really translate into reality, poor thing. Mostly because he's not willing to do any work on his personality. And it NEEDS the help, let me tell you.
Cut this girl loose immediately. The least dickish thing to do is tell her there's no spark for you. She'll surely move on to better dating opportunities, because while you may look cute, your soul needs some work, and frankly she can do WAY better if she's got that awesome personality that attracted you in the first place. You do not seem like a very kind person, based on how you talk about this person. Pro tip: Hot girls can pick up on that. And sometimes, hot girls used to be fat. So tread carefully.
posted by palomar at 6:23 AM on September 1, 2011 [18 favorites]
Cut to two years later... I'm in a long-term relationship with an awesome man, and the ex I was too fat for? He's still alone. Has been this whole time, from what I hear. His notions of what kind of woman he's entitled to didn't really translate into reality, poor thing. Mostly because he's not willing to do any work on his personality. And it NEEDS the help, let me tell you.
Cut this girl loose immediately. The least dickish thing to do is tell her there's no spark for you. She'll surely move on to better dating opportunities, because while you may look cute, your soul needs some work, and frankly she can do WAY better if she's got that awesome personality that attracted you in the first place. You do not seem like a very kind person, based on how you talk about this person. Pro tip: Hot girls can pick up on that. And sometimes, hot girls used to be fat. So tread carefully.
posted by palomar at 6:23 AM on September 1, 2011 [18 favorites]
I'm sorry that some of the responses have been abusive
Unless there have been a host of deleted comments, no one is being abusive. He has obviously had a rough time of it lately, but being depressed is not an excuse to treat other people badly. This woman was kind to him when he needed someone, and all he did was lead her on, despite her "great rack." That is not AT ALL COOL no matter how emotionally fragile it is. No one is saying that he has to date her while not being attracted to her. I am saying that it was shitty that he used her to make himself feel better knowing he was not actually interested in a relationship with her.
posted by crankylex at 6:26 AM on September 1, 2011 [8 favorites]
Unless there have been a host of deleted comments, no one is being abusive. He has obviously had a rough time of it lately, but being depressed is not an excuse to treat other people badly. This woman was kind to him when he needed someone, and all he did was lead her on, despite her "great rack." That is not AT ALL COOL no matter how emotionally fragile it is. No one is saying that he has to date her while not being attracted to her. I am saying that it was shitty that he used her to make himself feel better knowing he was not actually interested in a relationship with her.
posted by crankylex at 6:26 AM on September 1, 2011 [8 favorites]
I've had lengthy online exchanges like yours and this girl's, and they can get incredibly emotionally intense and intimate. The two real-life dates you had are just one part of a deeper relationship you were creating through your correspondence. This is why I do think Miko's advice applies entirely.
It would be quite hurtful to her if you were to end it the easy way, with just a curt email. She deserves more after all the time she's given you.
So I say: give her a more detailed and heartfelt message about your emotional state while being unambiguous about the fact that you don't see a future together. (Obviously not mentioning her weight.)
I think if I were on the receiving end it would make me feel more respected from someone I thought was a friend, than the curt dumping note being suggested as the alternative.
posted by Dragonness at 7:36 AM on September 1, 2011
It would be quite hurtful to her if you were to end it the easy way, with just a curt email. She deserves more after all the time she's given you.
So I say: give her a more detailed and heartfelt message about your emotional state while being unambiguous about the fact that you don't see a future together. (Obviously not mentioning her weight.)
I think if I were on the receiving end it would make me feel more respected from someone I thought was a friend, than the curt dumping note being suggested as the alternative.
posted by Dragonness at 7:36 AM on September 1, 2011
In your break-it-off conversation, I'd mention that you realize that this seems out of the blue, tell her that getting to know her and exchanging these great emails/texts with her has been one of the most positive things in recent memory for you, but that the return to school has really thrown you off kilter (more than you could have anticipated when you first met), and that you don't feel that it's right to keep dating her, given where your head is right now.
It seems like all of the above is true, yet allows you to still be somewhat gracious to someone who has been nothing but giving, affectionate and kind with you.
Finally, if you are not on therapy, I do hope that you will seek it out. There are healthier ways to cope with "down periods," and the need for attention and human connections, that don't involve you using and hurting people like you've done with this woman. The "nice rack" comment alone also suggests that you could use some help in developing a more mature, and therefore ultimately rewarding, perspective on women and dating.
Good luck.
posted by argonauta at 7:47 AM on September 1, 2011 [6 favorites]
It seems like all of the above is true, yet allows you to still be somewhat gracious to someone who has been nothing but giving, affectionate and kind with you.
Finally, if you are not on therapy, I do hope that you will seek it out. There are healthier ways to cope with "down periods," and the need for attention and human connections, that don't involve you using and hurting people like you've done with this woman. The "nice rack" comment alone also suggests that you could use some help in developing a more mature, and therefore ultimately rewarding, perspective on women and dating.
Good luck.
posted by argonauta at 7:47 AM on September 1, 2011 [6 favorites]
So here's the thing: you don't have a problem. I'm puzzled as to why you think that mentioning that her weight is not to your taste is somehow necessary or appropriate, but you can rest easy on that score: it's neither.
The thing is, it isn't her; it is you. I mean, when my last ex-boyfriend broke up with me, I don't think my weight was the most important factor, but it was hard not to notice that his next partner -- who he married -- had a body type much closer to his declared taste. (My BMI was 31-ish; hers was probably more like 40.) Was that about me being too underfat to date? Not hardly -- I found plenty of folks to date afterwards who think I'm dead sexy just the way I am. It was about him and his preferences, not about my sexiness.
You have a slightly bigger problem if you've already had sex with her, in the knowledge that she was under the impression that you were progressing towards a relationship which you weren't really initiating in good faith. That's yucky. But you can't undo the past -- you can just be truthful, and be kind, and tell her that you don't think this is working out. She may well be mad and hurt, but trying to avoid having her be upset with you benefits no one.
posted by endless_forms at 9:13 AM on September 1, 2011
The thing is, it isn't her; it is you. I mean, when my last ex-boyfriend broke up with me, I don't think my weight was the most important factor, but it was hard not to notice that his next partner -- who he married -- had a body type much closer to his declared taste. (My BMI was 31-ish; hers was probably more like 40.) Was that about me being too underfat to date? Not hardly -- I found plenty of folks to date afterwards who think I'm dead sexy just the way I am. It was about him and his preferences, not about my sexiness.
You have a slightly bigger problem if you've already had sex with her, in the knowledge that she was under the impression that you were progressing towards a relationship which you weren't really initiating in good faith. That's yucky. But you can't undo the past -- you can just be truthful, and be kind, and tell her that you don't think this is working out. She may well be mad and hurt, but trying to avoid having her be upset with you benefits no one.
posted by endless_forms at 9:13 AM on September 1, 2011
isoman2kx, whether you realize it or not, your question is worded in a way that will come off to many readers as shallow, arrogant, and immature. Others have given you very good advice on how you might handle breaking it off wit her. I would like to suggest you ask the moderators to make this anonymous because someday you will look back on this question and most likely feel really ashamed, and perhaps more than a little worried future dates will google you and find this.
posted by Windigo at 9:53 AM on September 1, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by Windigo at 9:53 AM on September 1, 2011 [1 favorite]
Building on what Windigo said, it took me all of about 34 seconds to find you on facebook. I agree that you should do some damage control if you don't want this getting back to real life.
posted by phunniemee at 9:57 AM on September 1, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by phunniemee at 9:57 AM on September 1, 2011 [2 favorites]
isoman2kx, it would be in your best interest to have this anonymized... it took me literally ten seconds of Google work to get to your Facebook, Twitter, StumbleUpon, Scribd, Google Chrome, and YouTube accounts. It took about ten seconds more to Google the search string "isoman2kx OKCupid" and find this thread. What are the odds that a girl you're interested in might do the same thing?
posted by palomar at 10:40 AM on September 1, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by palomar at 10:40 AM on September 1, 2011 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I'd say the odds are low that a girl would do that same thing Palomar.
posted by isoman2kx at 12:50 PM on September 1, 2011
posted by isoman2kx at 12:50 PM on September 1, 2011
There is no way I'd go on a date with someone I only knew through the internet without googling the absolute shit out of them.
posted by phunniemee at 1:00 PM on September 1, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by phunniemee at 1:00 PM on September 1, 2011 [2 favorites]
data point: I am a girl, I am a girl on OKCupid, I am a girl who google-sleuths with extreme sleuthage. A good way to break up with someone is to prevent them from easily getting to a webpage on which you discuss how they are too fat for you.
posted by prefpara at 1:00 PM on September 1, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by prefpara at 1:00 PM on September 1, 2011 [1 favorite]
@ wjm
Yes,I have told her what I've been going through. we've talked about a lot on the phone and through texts. A sort of combo of school and trying to figure myself out I believe would be appropriate don't you think?
@ all
I knew I'd be flamed because what I've done is generally not a highly-looked upon sort of deal. I won't apologize to you, but I will be working on it in the future. If most of you took the time to read half my threads or even skim the headlines you'd know what kind of hell I've been going through. I didn't expect everyone to be so judgmental. I'm not a bad person or a dick, I made a mistake. How many of you haven't made mistakes?
posted by isoman2kx at 1:07 PM on September 1, 2011
Yes,I have told her what I've been going through. we've talked about a lot on the phone and through texts. A sort of combo of school and trying to figure myself out I believe would be appropriate don't you think?
@ all
I knew I'd be flamed because what I've done is generally not a highly-looked upon sort of deal. I won't apologize to you, but I will be working on it in the future. If most of you took the time to read half my threads or even skim the headlines you'd know what kind of hell I've been going through. I didn't expect everyone to be so judgmental. I'm not a bad person or a dick, I made a mistake. How many of you haven't made mistakes?
posted by isoman2kx at 1:07 PM on September 1, 2011
isoman2kx, I don't think I flamed you, but let me try to clarify a little: my concern is not about the mistake you made, in getting too close with someone you're not interested in, it's your dismissal of this woman who is overweight as "less" (i.e., "settle for less") solely because she is overweight, despite her great personality, her ability to listen well, and even your admitted physical attraction to her breasts.
Meanwhile, you seem to assess these "amazing" "attractive" obviously-thinner women you see on campus as a move up to the (fictional) level you deserve, based not in the SLIGHTEST bit on who they are as people or even on how well your personalities mesh. These are women with whom you have never apparently ever spoken, but who nonetheless make you think it's laughable ("who am I kidding") to date someone who you know is supportive, interesting, attentive and who appears to actually be into you.
I think it would be helpful for you to consider why this would not reflect well on you. Going through or having been through hell does not give you license to exploit someone's interest in you purely for the ego boost and attention you derive when you so overtly (not just sub-consciously) disdain them as "less," and as less worthy of you.
posted by argonauta at 1:50 PM on September 1, 2011 [5 favorites]
Meanwhile, you seem to assess these "amazing" "attractive" obviously-thinner women you see on campus as a move up to the (fictional) level you deserve, based not in the SLIGHTEST bit on who they are as people or even on how well your personalities mesh. These are women with whom you have never apparently ever spoken, but who nonetheless make you think it's laughable ("who am I kidding") to date someone who you know is supportive, interesting, attentive and who appears to actually be into you.
I think it would be helpful for you to consider why this would not reflect well on you. Going through or having been through hell does not give you license to exploit someone's interest in you purely for the ego boost and attention you derive when you so overtly (not just sub-consciously) disdain them as "less," and as less worthy of you.
posted by argonauta at 1:50 PM on September 1, 2011 [5 favorites]
argonauta,
I regret my choice of words. I suspect a lot of my blasting was because of the "who am I kidding" and the last line was immature as well. I meant it more along the lines of "I really think I'm aiming for girls that are more likely to give me the time of day (which isn't fair to them, I realize that and I struggle as you can see by this situation with that from time to time), because I feel like they can ease the feeling of rejection talking to girls in which I'm intrigued by the whole package they have to offer. I might not be a 10/10 myself, but physical attraction (to not just breasts) is an important half of the equation for me. Breasts are nice, a good personality is nice, but for me it's gotta be about the body type as well. If I happen to get into a relationship (long-term) that ends up with a possible marriage one day, I don't want to wait until that day to say to myself "Oh man, you really screwed up by taking her on a 5-7 year ride".
posted by isoman2kx at 2:16 PM on September 1, 2011
I regret my choice of words. I suspect a lot of my blasting was because of the "who am I kidding" and the last line was immature as well. I meant it more along the lines of "I really think I'm aiming for girls that are more likely to give me the time of day (which isn't fair to them, I realize that and I struggle as you can see by this situation with that from time to time), because I feel like they can ease the feeling of rejection talking to girls in which I'm intrigued by the whole package they have to offer. I might not be a 10/10 myself, but physical attraction (to not just breasts) is an important half of the equation for me. Breasts are nice, a good personality is nice, but for me it's gotta be about the body type as well. If I happen to get into a relationship (long-term) that ends up with a possible marriage one day, I don't want to wait until that day to say to myself "Oh man, you really screwed up by taking her on a 5-7 year ride".
posted by isoman2kx at 2:16 PM on September 1, 2011
I'd say the odds are low that a girl would do that same thing Palomar.
That's a very dangerous assumption to make. Why would you assume that someone female would not look you up on the internet? After all, I did. And I'm a woman.
Suit yourself, though.
posted by palomar at 2:34 PM on September 1, 2011 [3 favorites]
That's a very dangerous assumption to make. Why would you assume that someone female would not look you up on the internet? After all, I did. And I'm a woman.
Suit yourself, though.
posted by palomar at 2:34 PM on September 1, 2011 [3 favorites]
Are you kidding me? Almost every woman I know googles potential dates if they can. It's not that hard - as others pointed out, it only took minutes to find you on Facebook - and if you think the chances are low that a future date will google you, you are very naive and are in for some surprises.
*I'm a woman, and I immediately searched you on google as well to see how well you cover your tracks. The answer is badly.
posted by Windigo at 2:42 PM on September 1, 2011 [1 favorite]
*I'm a woman, and I immediately searched you on google as well to see how well you cover your tracks. The answer is badly.
posted by Windigo at 2:42 PM on September 1, 2011 [1 favorite]
Ok, tell me me if you can see my profile on facebook? Oh right, you can only see my picture and nothing about me.
posted by isoman2kx at 2:55 PM on September 1, 2011
posted by isoman2kx at 2:55 PM on September 1, 2011
You don't understand - it's easy to find this post on Metafilter, with nothing more than your name. I assume you give women your real name, right? Well, they can read this now. Easily.
But if you don't want to take 2 minutes to email a mod because you don't think women can/will find you, it's your business. People are trying to give you advice, because once it's on Metafilter for all to see...well, you could come to regret it.
posted by Windigo at 3:00 PM on September 1, 2011 [2 favorites]
But if you don't want to take 2 minutes to email a mod because you don't think women can/will find you, it's your business. People are trying to give you advice, because once it's on Metafilter for all to see...well, you could come to regret it.
posted by Windigo at 3:00 PM on September 1, 2011 [2 favorites]
Ok, tell me me if you can see my profile on facebook?
Dude. Just going by facebook, and not a google search: I see pictures of your sisters. I see pictures of your mom. I see lots of funny, myspace-style pictures of you. I see how you earn money. I see where you go to school. I see who you're friends with. I see your (adorable) dog. I see lots of things that it's your business whether or not you want people to see, and even if you want people to see it all, that's completely fine. But that's not the point we're trying to make.
The point is that now and forever, you are going to be linked to this question online, unless you take some (very, very) easy steps to stop it. But if you're OK with that, then I suppose that's fine, too. It's your life.
posted by phunniemee at 3:06 PM on September 1, 2011 [3 favorites]
Dude. Just going by facebook, and not a google search: I see pictures of your sisters. I see pictures of your mom. I see lots of funny, myspace-style pictures of you. I see how you earn money. I see where you go to school. I see who you're friends with. I see your (adorable) dog. I see lots of things that it's your business whether or not you want people to see, and even if you want people to see it all, that's completely fine. But that's not the point we're trying to make.
The point is that now and forever, you are going to be linked to this question online, unless you take some (very, very) easy steps to stop it. But if you're OK with that, then I suppose that's fine, too. It's your life.
posted by phunniemee at 3:06 PM on September 1, 2011 [3 favorites]
how can you see my stuff? I specifically made it profile a while ago.
posted by isoman2kx at 3:10 PM on September 1, 2011
posted by isoman2kx at 3:10 PM on September 1, 2011
"Private"? While your actual Facebook profile might be set to private, a lot of other stuff you're associated with (such as friends and family members, who have tagged pictures of you) unfortunately isn't.
posted by tumid dahlia at 3:13 PM on September 1, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by tumid dahlia at 3:13 PM on September 1, 2011 [1 favorite]
I knew I'd be flamed because what I've done is generally not a highly-looked upon sort of deal. I won't apologize to you, but I will be working on it in the future. If most of you took the time to read half my threads or even skim the headlines you'd know what kind of hell I've been going through. I didn't expect everyone to be so judgmental. I'm not a bad person or a dick, I made a mistake. How many of you haven't made mistakes?
Everyone makes mistakes. I've made tons of them.
The problem isn't that you made a mistake. Because that's not really what happened. You consciously decided to go out on some dates and send long, emotionally intimate emails to a girl that you think is beneath you because she's fat. You did this because despite your claims that she's not good enough for you, you found her to be the most appealing option available to you out of all the other girls on OKCupid that would talk to you. You used this girl because having the attention of someone, anyone, was better than nothing at all. And now that you're back at school and seeing "hot" girls walk past you, you want to find a way to dump this girl without hurting her "too much" (implying that you're aware your actions could be hurtful) so that you can have a shot with someone hotter.
You're making all of your romantic decisions right now based on appearances only. Despite this fat girl's awesome personality and obvious compassion and caring, which allowed you to be emotionally open and vulnerable with her about your recent troubles, you're not interested in her because of how she looks. It's fine to decide you don't want to date someone because you're not physically attracted to them -- but it's not okay to use people to make yourself feel better, and then dispose of them because you think you should have a hotter girl on your arm. And it's really not okay to consciously decide to date someone knowing that you're using them to soothe your wounded ego. THAT'S what the problem is.
Also, the photos in your Flickr photostream are quite nice.
posted by palomar at 3:15 PM on September 1, 2011 [2 favorites]
Everyone makes mistakes. I've made tons of them.
The problem isn't that you made a mistake. Because that's not really what happened. You consciously decided to go out on some dates and send long, emotionally intimate emails to a girl that you think is beneath you because she's fat. You did this because despite your claims that she's not good enough for you, you found her to be the most appealing option available to you out of all the other girls on OKCupid that would talk to you. You used this girl because having the attention of someone, anyone, was better than nothing at all. And now that you're back at school and seeing "hot" girls walk past you, you want to find a way to dump this girl without hurting her "too much" (implying that you're aware your actions could be hurtful) so that you can have a shot with someone hotter.
You're making all of your romantic decisions right now based on appearances only. Despite this fat girl's awesome personality and obvious compassion and caring, which allowed you to be emotionally open and vulnerable with her about your recent troubles, you're not interested in her because of how she looks. It's fine to decide you don't want to date someone because you're not physically attracted to them -- but it's not okay to use people to make yourself feel better, and then dispose of them because you think you should have a hotter girl on your arm. And it's really not okay to consciously decide to date someone knowing that you're using them to soothe your wounded ego. THAT'S what the problem is.
Also, the photos in your Flickr photostream are quite nice.
posted by palomar at 3:15 PM on September 1, 2011 [2 favorites]
I memailed you, bro. Upper right hand corner, if you've never gotten a memail before.
posted by phunniemee at 3:18 PM on September 1, 2011
posted by phunniemee at 3:18 PM on September 1, 2011
Mod note: folks, this needs to pretty much stop now. Take it to MeMail, walk away from this.
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 5:58 PM on September 1, 2011
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 5:58 PM on September 1, 2011
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 8:07 PM on August 31, 2011 [8 favorites]