I've read about 50,000,000 assorted peices of dating advice and there's one rule that I've followed religiously: Girls (who want LTRs) Should Never Ask Out Guys. This advice has some seemingly-reasonable justifications backing it up. You can respond to the justifications or skip the whole thing and just tell me whether or not it's legit. I would especially like to hear from men about this. Have you ever willingly entered a happy, functional, long-lasting relationship with a girl who asked YOU out?
posted by windykites to Human Relations (108 answers total) 23 users marked this as a favorite
These are the reasons that I've absorbed as Reasons a Girl Should Never Ask A Guy Out. Do they have any validity?
1) Guys who won't ask you out aren't interested in you.
This is pretty self-explanatory. I'm sure we can all think of numerous instances where this is true and numerous instances where it's not. But, all told, it's believable.
2) Guys who don't like you enough to ask you out, aren't interested enough to put in the effort neccessary to sustain a relationship.
Similar: Guys who need to be pursued will stay in a relationship out of laziness, fear or inertia rather than a genuine desire to be in the relationship.
This seems to make sense and it seems to hold up under scrutiny. Certainly, in my life whenever I've had to chase a guy, he hasn't been invested in the relationship and aways had one foot out the door. I have a female friend with a very forceful personality, who essentially did all of the pursuing in her relationship- and now she has to do all of the work to maintain the relationship. Neither of them seem especially happy, and they don't even really seem to like each other that much. He's certainly not very passionate about her and not especially invested in their relationship- it really seems like a combination of his inertia and her insistance that keeps their relationship together. I've been in relationships like that, and it sucks.
3) Guys dont like being asked out. Guys like to be the pursuer/agressor.
Guys like the uncertainty and if going out with you is too easy for them, it ruins the fun of the "chase". A guy might like it or feel flattered if you ask him out, and he might even go, but he'll want you less, especially in the long run.
Guys are bored by a woman who asks them out.
Guys value more what is challenging to them. Guys like to feel like they've accomplished something by "winning" you. Guys don't want to feel like you're easy, like anyone could "get" you- they want to be special. They want you to be special, difficult to obtain.
I am not a guy and have no way of knowing whether or not it's true. But it's guys who are giving this advice a lot of the time, so yeah, I dunno.
4)Guys will think that you're too aggressive or domineering or powerful if you ask them out. This will make them less attracted to you.
See my response to #3. Although, honestly, I'm starting to get to a place in my life where if a guy thinking that I'm powerful makes me unattractive, I don't think I want to date him, because forcing myself to be less than I am gets more obnoxious and exhausting every day. So if this one is true, I just might not care anymore. Plus, I'm starting to suspect that men who want weak women may not be the men I want to date.
On the other hand, the idea is I guess that guys have very fragile, easily damaged egos, and this is why women who would like to date them need to soothe them by not seeming too powerful. Is this really a thing? Because I've been operating under the assumption that men are really like this (and I've certainly known men like this), but I'm starting to wonder if they're really as fragile as all that.
5)The only guys who want to be with women who ask them out are weak-willed or submissive.
Again, this seems to make sense. And ideally I'd like someone who is equal to, or slightly greater than me, in terms of personal power.
6)If you have to ask a guy out, it means you like him more than he likes you. This puts you at risk for being hurt/ played. If you make him ask you out, then you have the power in the relationship.
I don't know, this makes sense but I also think it's kind of silly. Getting hurt or being rejected is always a risk, right? I mean, I guess that not asking guys out does limit my risk of getting hurt, but I'm starting to feel like it's only being limited because I'm reducing the dating pool, not because it's some magic secret formula of success. Plus, when I like a guy a lot less than he likes me, I just kind of feel bad for him/ turned off. Because, you know, I don't like him that much.
7) I am Worth being unambiguously asked out on a Real Date.
I mean, hell, I want to believe that. Why not? Why would I not be worth it? I'm great, right? I'm so great that guys should be asking me out all the time. Right?
I guess, at the end of the day, I just feel like I've been trying to follow rules and it doesn't seem to be working right. I either don't get asked out for really long stretches of time (especially on Official Dates), or I wind up with guys I don't like much.
And I'm kind of wondering how strict Rules-style dating can really be valid. I mean, it's usually fairly obvious to me when a guy is doing some PUA-type crap, and it's laughable at best, obnoxious at worst. But it only "works" if I already have decided that I am willing to let myself be convinced because I'm in the mood to play that game (or be played), so I'm willing to overlook their obvious attempts at being manipulative.
The thing is that, unless men really are dunderheads, I would hope that by the time they're in their my age the same can be said for them; they know Rules-style game-playing when they see it and know how to game the system. Right?
But, I don't know. I'm single, I'm 26, I want to meet a guy and maybe eventually get married and have an awesome life together, and all of the advice says the same thing. Don't Ask A Guy Out. So, yeah. Does anyone have experience with this, and can confirm or deny the validity of these points?