You're my favorite person... too bad you're a little nutso
July 28, 2011 11:24 AM   Subscribe

How often is it amazing?

This question sort of has two parts, both in general and about my specific situation.

I dated a guy four years ago, and the relationship was completely tumultuous and insecure. He was my first serious boyfriend and we started off very shaky—I wasn’t completely honest or faithful at the beginning for a bit, and he was extremely and violently jealous after that. He never hit me or threatened to do so, but I couldn’t speak to another man without getting yelled at for an hour or so after. He threatened to leave me a lot, screamed at and intimidated me, and asked for things like my Facebook password to prove my fidelity (I was totally faithful after we got together in real life—we started off long distance).

I broke it off with him after dating for a year and a couple months, and I had a very hard time getting over it. It wasn’t that I missed him, but I felt like a horrible person and my confidence was devestated. We were very young—I was 19 and he was 21 when we got together. Just in this last year (I’m 24) have I felt that I really moved past it and started to feel good about myself again. He has always called me a couple times a year, I talk to him once, and then stop answering his calls.

He doesn’t live in the country, and he has a serious girlfriend where he lives. He came to visit the U.S., and called me when he got here. He took a 2 ½ hour plane flight to come visit me, and I was very hesitant and nervous at first—I wasn’t even sure I wanted to see him at all. I ended up doing it, and we spent about 48 straight hours together.

I really didn’t expect this to happen, but while spending time with him, I realized why I had been so in love with him. I have never had so much fun with anyone in my life. EVERYTHING we do together is fun, we just run around laughing and acting like little kids together in a way I very rarely do with anyone else. I can totally let my guard down around him—I don’t try and hide any emotions. I get irritated with him, but I don’t have to cover it up. I can cry in front of him; I just don’t have to hide anything I feel the way I do with most people. I have never in my life met a man I click with like I do with him. Everyone who sees us together comments on it.

We get along on every level. He’s smart, and we can have serious conversations as well as have fun together. We’re both energetic, curious, emotional, cuddly, touchy people, and our personalities match up amazingly.

So, my question is this. This guy has a serious girlfriend (who he said he is having problems with, and I know he has feelings for me still) where he lives. He lives in another country. We have a terrible history and this relationship really hurt me. He did apologize A LOT and he seemed to recognize how he acted, which he never did before. He seems to have matured, but the idea of going back is terrifying. At the same time, now that he’s been gone for a day, I miss him a lot. Nothing sexual happened while he was here, but we did cross a line—we slept in the same bed together. We didn’t kiss or anything but I still feel really bad and like we should not have done that, I know his girlfriend would be so upset and he is being somewhat dishonest. I just don’t think he’s a healthy person for me to be with, and I spent a long long time moving past our relationship.

First, how often does this happen? How often have you met someone who you clicked with like that and just loved being around all the time? Is this once-in-a-lifetime? It hasn’t happened to me since but I’d like to think that somewhere out there is someone I get along with like this, but who is more stable.

Second, what do I do now with this guy? I opened a door that scares me. Before we just talked once a year or less, and I didn’t miss him. I just thought he was crazy. Now I miss him, and I have been calling him, but I feel like I should just stop talking to him because it’s going to make me miss him more and we can’t and should not be together. I’d like to think I am slightly more mature and can make better decisions than when I was 19, but right now I feel like I am making bad decisions, cuddling with him was a bad decision and keeping in close contact is a bad decision. It’s not good for anyone involved—him, me, and his girlfriend. I know what we did was wrong. What do I tell him—being with you awoke some old feelings and the situation isn’t right? Let’s go back to talking once a year?

When we were broken up I could easily think that I only dated him because I was a stupid naive 19 year old who fell for his charms. Now that I saw him again in real life I have to face the fact that I dated him for a reason—we get along like no one else in my life.

Sorry for the novel. I know it’s too much drama. Thanks hivemind!
posted by queens86 to Human Relations (40 answers total) 8 users marked this as a favorite
My AskMe rule of thumb - relationship questions that require more than three paragraphs = too much drama. Avoid. You're SERIOUSLY young. Move on.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 11:26 AM on July 28, 2011 [28 favorites]

I'm going to second that. You're very young. Your life doesn't have to revolve around a serious romantic relationship at all times. Make sure you know who you are, and before you do anything, make sure what you're going to do is what you want to do, not what someone expects of you.
posted by mitzyjalapeno at 11:30 AM on July 28, 2011 [1 favorite]

There are a whole lot of people in the world who are insanely fun to be around, that you can run around and act like a child with who won't threaten you, invade your privacy, scream at you or take your confidence away. Go find one of them.
posted by hollygoheavy at 11:30 AM on July 28, 2011 [31 favorites]

I think the difference between what you experienced in those 48 hours, vs. the 14 months you were together, is mainly the difference between being around someone for a short period of time vs. making them a part of your life. It's fun being around new people or people you're reconnecting with. Some of that fun is who they are and who you are together, but a lot of it is novelty.

You can have a lot of fun with really terrible people that you don't really want to be in your life for the long haul.
posted by gurple at 11:32 AM on July 28, 2011 [7 favorites]

we just run around laughing and acting like little kids together in a way I very rarely do with anyone else.

This is not sustainable, nor is it the basis for an adult relationship.

If you really feel like you are more mature and can make better decisions than when you were 19, prove it by not trying to revive your chemistry with someone who was controlling and abusive and whom it took you YEARS to get over.

And yes, I said abusive. You know all those cases where someone is bleeding, or their self esteem is in shreds, and their friends urge them to leave and they won't, because "He is an absolute prince most of the time, I swear, and we just love each other and understand each other soooo much"? Sounds like you didn't quite get there last time. Why dodge the same bullet twice?

I dated him for a reason—we get along like no one else in my life.

Meet more people.
posted by hermitosis at 11:33 AM on July 28, 2011 [7 favorites]

Run. (Seriously. Run. I could write a hundred different things, having been in a vaguely similar situation—different in the details, but the same in essence—and it all boils down to this.)
posted by divisjm at 11:33 AM on July 28, 2011 [4 favorites]

How often have you met someone who you clicked with like that and just loved being around all the time?

Several times. And sometimes those people turn out to be nice to have as long-term friends or more than that. But clicking with someone and having it be a good idea to be in a relationship with them are two different things.

It gets better than this guy, I promise.
posted by The World Famous at 11:34 AM on July 28, 2011 [3 favorites]

It is once in a lifetime that you will be 24 and young enough that flinging yourself into a fun but likely destructive relationship teaching you about handling one new curveball of drama after another seems like a good idea.
Don't do it. There will be other people you click with. There will be increased emotional stability. There will be a lack of blame. There will be trust. You will find someone who is not just fun, but who is ultimately compatible with the person you want to become.
posted by aimedwander at 11:36 AM on July 28, 2011

1. He abused you in the past.
2. He has kept in touch with you.
3. He has visited you and slept in the same bed with you behind his GF's back.


1. He says he is sorry.
2. You have an amazing connection with him.
3. You are afraid that the odds are against your ever having a connection that good with anyone else.

I have some questions for you:
1. At the very beginning of your relationship, did he open the conversation not by asking "do you come here often?" but by screaming at you because you were looking in some other guy's direction?
2. Instead of asking for your phone number when you first met, did he ask you for your Facebook password?
3. How far into the future are you prepared to cope with his indecision between you and the other GF? A month? A year? Two years?
4. Do you think the likelihood of his abusing you again is zero? Or is there some chance he will start abusing you again, even with the best of intentions?
5. Are you willing to accept abuse as the price of having a wonderful and fun connection with him?
6. If 'yes' to 5, how much abuse will you take versus how much fun? Supposing the abuse gets more frequent and the fun gets less frequent over time; would you be comfortable being abused 29 days out of every month to have fun on the 30th, for example? Can you accept walking on eggshells between incidents?

I'd like to tell you you are 100% certain to meet someone with whom you have an equally great connection because fantastic guys who are perfect for you are swarming all over the place, because that's what people usually say in these situations. But I'd be lying, because that has not been my experience at all. It may go better for you, of course. You may meet [$FAVORITE_STAR]'s hotter sexier twin brother tomorrow and be too busy making hot monkey love to ever come back to us with an update. Or you may trudge through a wilderness for a bit and then meet !!!The One!!! No-one can tell you how that part of your life is going to turn out.

tl;dr Realistically, your choices are probably between: a great connection with someone else's boyfriend who abuses you; or no great connection with anyone for the foreseeable future.

I know which one I'd choose.
posted by tel3path at 11:45 AM on July 28, 2011 [2 favorites]

You loved being around him all the time, except when you were "getting yelled at for an hour or so after. He threatened to leave me a lot, screamed at and intimidated me, and asked for things like my Facebook password to prove my fidelity."

Dude, I know this guy. Not technically this guy, but a guy just like him.

A. He is not the apex of your romantic life. And you can (and will) meet someone with whom you can fritter away days and days and days by skipping around, holding hands, and being in love, and who also supports you and would never dream of treating you like this, ever.

B. Why would he show up again like this? Well, probably because it's his MO to bounce between women once they've tired of him treating them like shit, and, in the words that my ex-guy once told me while trying to re-establish contact, "he's hoping you would have forgotten everything, so he can do what he wants again."

Fuck that.
Do what you want.
And do a whole lot better than him.
posted by vivid postcard at 11:46 AM on July 28, 2011 [3 favorites]

This is such classic controlling abusive behavior. He is trying to reel you back in by showing you the good side of himself. The other side is still there, lurking and just waiting for you to drop your guard. And this so-called good side? He did something that you acknowledge would hurt his girlfriend terribly. If he did it to her he'll do it to you.

Please. Listen. He is not amazing. What you have with him is not wonderful. Don't do this. Cut him out of your life and move on. There are great people and relationships and adventures, just down the road for you, but not if you follow him.

posted by Kangaroo at 11:46 AM on July 28, 2011 [4 favorites]

I had a boy like that once. He's probably the only other man (aside from my husband, and I've been with him for nearly 10 years) that I have ever really loved. But if we had stayed together we would hate each other now. We were just... giddy when we were around each other. And we had a tumultuous couple of years of open and closed relationship, of SO MUCH FUN and SO MUCH DRAMA.

We both just needed to grow up. Our relationship would never have progressed into something mature. Which is what this sounds like. You'd be stuck in a holding pattern of drama, tears, checking up on each other, fighting and making up.

Happily, with some distance and the aforementioned growing up, the friendship (not relationship) with that boy did progress and we are good friends now (albeit living in different countries).
posted by gaspode at 11:46 AM on July 28, 2011

He was a crappy boyfriend to you, and now he's being a crappy boyfriend to someone else. Nothing about your relationship then or now seems amazing enough to me to drown out this guy's blaring crappiness. Anytime you meet someone you click with, it will be this amazing. In fact, if you click with someone who's not an abuser and a creep, it will be exponentially more amazing. You need to move your goal posts for "amazing." Ditch this guy and move on.
posted by milk white peacock at 11:48 AM on July 28, 2011 [3 favorites]

So, my question is this.

This guy has a serious girlfriend (who he said he is having problems with, and I know he has feelings for me still) where he lives.

This is a very bad sign.

He lives in another country.

This is not terrible, but not a great starting point. Long distance relationships are a pain.

We have a terrible history and this relationship really hurt me.

This is a very bad sign.

He did apologize A LOT and he seemed to recognize how he acted, which he never did before.

Apologies are easy; real change is hard.

He seems to have matured, but the idea of going back is terrifying.

Did you read what you wrote here? Even you think this is a bad idea.

At the same time, now that he’s been gone for a day, I miss him a lot.

And? Maybe you are lonely. Drama is exciting. This doesn't mean much in the long run.

Nothing sexual happened while he was here, but we did cross a line—we slept in the same bed together. We didn’t kiss or anything but I still feel really bad and like we should not have done that, I know his girlfriend would be so upset and he is being somewhat dishonest.

So he's a guy who was jealous when you were together, but casually steps up to the cheating line in his current relationship, plus the situation makes you feel bad. Again, are you reading what you are writing?

I just don’t think he’s a healthy person for me to be with, and I spent a long long time moving past our relationship.

Really, really, really, read this sentence again. Even you see there isn't an upside to this; you just seem to wish there was.

First, how often does this happen?

That depends a bit on you. It's happened a few times with me, both with friends and lovers. I can't promise it will happen again, but it's really, really likely that you will find other people like this if you keep looking.

Second, what do I do now with this guy?

Run very far and very fast. Your description of this guy sounds like he is a recipe for drama and abuse. Yeah, maybe he has sorted himself out, but given that he's willing to sneak around on his current girlfriend, it seems very unlikely. You have plenty of time to find a relationship where you don't use words like "really hurt me," "terrifying," and "feel really bad."
posted by GenjiandProust at 11:50 AM on July 28, 2011 [3 favorites]

For the record, the connection I have with my wife of 12+ years is one where we clicked in an unbelievable way as soon as we started dating and I had never felt like that before (and I was in my late twenties at the time and had dated a number of other women). She and I could do nothing or anything or whatever and laugh and have a good time and "get" each other in a way that was something I had ceased to believe was possible. In the time since then it's been off and on with that kind of thing and up and down as all relationships are, but we still share what seems like an amazing (to me at least) bond.

All that said, neither of us would EVER consider the kind of disrespect or abuse you describe. End point here is, as others have said, you are young and what you describe is fraught with future heartbreak (and worse).

My advice would be to take care of yourself, learn from this, and move on.
Best of luck...
posted by BigHeartedGuy at 11:50 AM on July 28, 2011

If crazy, abusive people were crazy and abusive 100% of the time, nobody would date them. They rely on their charm (and apologies) to attract people who will believe that the charming part is really who they are, and that the screaming and intimidation are just a fluke.

But here's the thing: people who are not crazy and abusive can be just as charming, just as much fun, and just as click-able, with the added bonus of no screaming and intimidation. You deserve to be with someone who is kind and supportive and who trusts you. He is out there, I promise.

You are right to be afraid of this guy. He will continue to string you along like this and hold you captive on some level if you don't cut him off completely.
posted by corey flood at 11:53 AM on July 28, 2011 [5 favorites]

You had 48 hours together and you wonder why it was awesome? Probably because he was on his best behavior. Look at it from his perspective: He's in another country, far away from his girlfriend, and if he is totally awesome and fun there is a pretty good chance he'll get laid.

It nearly worked, too.

I just don’t think he’s a healthy person for me to be with

Neither does anyone else here.

I can't promise that you'll meet the guy of your dreams. I really can't. What I can tell you is that that guy definitely isn't him.
posted by It's Never Lurgi at 11:56 AM on July 28, 2011 [1 favorite]

Thank you so much you guys. I know I really need some sense knocked into me right now, and this is really helping. Keep it coming please!
posted by queens86 at 12:00 PM on July 28, 2011 [1 favorite]

First, how often does this happen? How often have you met someone who you clicked with like that and just loved being around all the time? Is this once-in-a-lifetime?

This has happened for me several times, both before and after getting married. Before marriage they might become lovers. After marriage it's friends or co-workers on a project. And that's just when it's women. My hetero self has had similar feels about guys (So much fun to be around, etc. etc).

Relationship wise, it's not just a matter of meeting the right person, but meeting them at the right time, I.E. WHEN THE RELATIONSHIP IS NOT FULL OF DRAMA AND ABUSE.

You guys had your shot. It didn't work out. You may always have a soft spot for him, but there's no need to revisit so much drama. Look forward, not back.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 12:03 PM on July 28, 2011 [1 favorite]

First, how often does this happen? How often have you met someone who you clicked with like that and just loved being around all the time?

It's happened to me a few times. It rarely lasts for more than a year or so.

As to you and this guy? You're too young to put up with this much bullshit. Just talk to other guys and stop talking to this one.
posted by empath at 12:07 PM on July 28, 2011

It's amazing quite a lot. In fact, it tends to be even more AMAZING! when you re-hook up with exes who you know are bad for you, because your expectations are so low and you've already heard each other fart. So comfortable, yet so much sexual tension, and they are not screaming at me = WOW AMAZING!

It can be fun, but it is not really a long-term relationship thing, so if that's what you want, you should probably start working towards that goal because it won't happen here.
posted by the young rope-rider at 12:18 PM on July 28, 2011 [3 favorites]

I opened a door that scares me.

Listen to yourself, and close that door.

Here's the thing: It's entirely possible that he has changed. He's had time to look back on the issues that destroyed your relationship, and maybe he's taken serious steps towards figuring them out.

But your relationship has not changed. Like you said, you picked up right where you left off. And if you slip back down the rabbit-hole into the relationship, you'll land right where you were. And, according to you, that's a scary place.

He's not fulfilling your needs of a healthy, trusting relationship.
You're not fulfilling his misguided and fucked up needs of someone who can be accountable to him every minute. Nor are these needs that you should attempt to fulfill.

Walk away. Walk away completely, and close the door.
posted by karminai at 12:28 PM on July 28, 2011

When I was 22 to 24 years old there was this guy just like yours, then he moved 3,000 miles away and got back together with his ex. He periodically made a point over the years to swoop back into my life despite having married his ex (and cheating on her a lot, I eventually discovered.) We tried to make it work together after both of our first marriages broke up. He bullied me softly for years and gave me the feeling I was never free to totally give up on him.

I'm 41 years old now and married to someone wonderful. The abusive cheater guy has been stalking me via phone calls and texts for the last 3+ years, ever since I married my wonderful husband.

Any questions? I hope I covered it.
posted by jbenben at 12:30 PM on July 28, 2011

Please run away and do not even bother looking back. This guy is bad news all around, but even more importantly, you are too young to worry about whether or not you will ever find anything comparable again! Even if the zombie apocalypse hits this weekend, I guarantee you will still find someone better than this schmuck. (and alive, obvsly. zombie dating always ends in tears.)
posted by elizardbits at 12:47 PM on July 28, 2011 [1 favorite]

There are lots of people out there you'll click with, like this; you're conflating an early romance and 48 hours worth of baggage-less activity with what your real relationship would be like.

Now that you have a prototype for the person you want to be with (ie you know how you want to feel and behave around a person, and you also know what you don't want to come along with it) you can use that criteria as you date other people. And you should date other people. The ones that seem to be like him in the good stuff, and not in the bad stuff.
posted by davejay at 1:01 PM on July 28, 2011

Oh my God, this is the story of my life. I had a very similar relationship with a guy at the same age, lasted four years, he was intensely jealous, he now has a new girlfriend but tries to keep in contact with me a few times a year…yadda yadda, I’m living your life.

Here’s the thing:


The other day I was messing around on Facebook, and I happened to find some old conversation’s we’d had in the midst of our breakup. Up until that moment I had fond feelings for him, had the vague sense that if I ran into him again things might maybe possibly even work out. General warm fuzzy vagueness. Then I read the messages.

You know what? I COMPLETELY forgot how INSANE this guy was. He was very sensitive, very loving, let me do whatever I wanted. He was also INTENSELY NEEDY, DRAMATIC, AND MANIPULATIVE. Seriously, time sometimes heals wounds a little too well. This guy was clearly barely containing feelings of rage and control, and trying everything in his power to make me stay with him forever because he knew I was very young and inexperienced, he knew I was a more quality catch than I even knew about myself, and he always felt I could do better. You know what I realized? He was right. I can do better. That’s why he was so paranoid and crazy and desperate and borderline smothering, and why he worked so hard for me to have fun at all times in his presence. He was sweating to maintain that act of carefree fun, because he was obsessed with me.

This all hit me, and it was like a goose walked over my grave. The mind plays funny tricks on us and makes us forget pain over time. That’s why it’s important to keep hard evidence, not only of all the love letters he sent you and the dried flowers he gave you, but of the crazy, long, drunken rambling emails he sent when he was sure you were cheating on him.

Read them over and over again in times of weakness.
posted by Nixy at 1:03 PM on July 28, 2011 [7 favorites]

Oh, one more thing, for your original question: every time you think that you've had the most amazing relationship in the past, and no other relationship will ever be that amazing, you have one that is more amazing and it helps you remember how not-quite-amazing the older one was. So, it's amazing a lot.
posted by davejay at 1:18 PM on July 28, 2011 [1 favorite]

I had a minor version of this dude's sickness years ago and, while I occasionally had amazing times with people, I shouldn't have been in a relationship with anyone until life had kicked my ass a couple more times and cured me. It's possible that in the future life will administer the proper ass-kickings to this dude which he will require if he wants to be amazing all the time, but it hasn't happened yet. (How do I know? Selfishly indulging in good times with a former lover while you have someone who thinks you're devoted to them waiting back home = not an amazing person. = a rather selfish person who hasn't learned proper gratitude or balance yet)

This level of good times with someone you're attracted to is most certainly not once in a lifetime - indeed, you may find that when (not if, when) you meet someone who is stable as well as fun, what you thought to be a once in a lifetime vein of joy is in fact rather pale by comparison.
posted by EatTheWeak at 1:28 PM on July 28, 2011

Sure, on a weekend with no responsibilities, no pressures and no outside influences like work or your friends or his friends, etc., you had an amazing time. How could you not?! The whole focus was on having fun with no strings attached.

Not to mention, having a history with someone is like a shortcut to "amazing", because you can relax about a lot of things. You don't have to make awkward small talk about where you went to school and how many siblings you have and why you hate mayonnaise or whatever. They already know. And you also know what topics to avoid to set off his temper or engage that jealous streak.

So this weekend has given you this illusion that you could never be as comfortable with anyone else. But that's just an illusion; you don't have a history with a lot of other men to compare this to and he was on his best behavior--oh, which behavior included, for him, the inclination to sleep with you in the same bed even though he has a girlfriend.

And I'm sure he would have had sex with you if you had allowed it to go that far. You are unattached and you were the one that stopped him from cheating. Imagine if he ditched the serious girlfriend and you two got back together. Could you ever really trust him not to go behind your back with one of his other exes?
posted by misha at 1:35 PM on July 28, 2011

All that "click" means is that there is something in your personalities that...effervesces, that reacts strongly together, that you meet each others' needs in some strong way. I've definitely had situations where the "click" was actually a bad click, when I met someone who would hurt me or be my enemy. But it felt just the same as a good click - the intensity, the feeling that we were paying more attention to each other than to anyone else. We met each others' needs to hurt and be hurt; we met each others' needs for emotional violence and humiliation. I have a type of man, for example, who will hurt me, and be drawn to me to defeat me and keep hurting me - and there's something in my character that wants to be defeated and shamed by this type of man. Oh, we click all right. And I've learned to be very, very cautious when I click with a guy, because I cannot tell what type of man he is.
posted by Frowner at 1:55 PM on July 28, 2011 [9 favorites]

Just because he never hit you before when he was flying into ridiculous jealous rages at you over totally innocent and normal behavior doesn't mean he won't hit you in the future when he flies into ridiculous jealous rages at you over totally innocent and normal behavior.

I'm sorry to say I know that from experience.
posted by BlueJae at 2:09 PM on July 28, 2011 [1 favorite]

You were in an abusive relationship. You got out of the abusive relationship. That's wonderful.

OK, you said you wanted some sense knocked into you. So again, with capitals.


You'll find other people to date. Having a great connection with someone is not impossible. Abusers are charming at first, otherwise, how would they be able to get away with being abusive? Just remember that. Don't get back into an abusive relationship.
posted by medusa at 2:35 PM on July 28, 2011

I'm going to agree with everybody that this guy is trouble and you WILL find the sort of connection with other people--but jealous terrifying rage is a deal-breaker. The fact that you're even considering something with him again is an indication of your low self-esteem, I suspect.

But the point I want to make is that your feelings don't really matter here. He has a girlfriend. Until he is free, he is COMPLETELY AND TOTALLY OUT OF BOUNDS. You already know you made a mistake in sharing a bed with him. Don't go any farther down that path.

Please hold out for a wonderful man who values, respects, and trusts you. Not someone who frightens you and tears you down. You deserve so much better than this asshole.
posted by WorkingMyWayHome at 2:53 PM on July 28, 2011 [1 favorite]

I wasn’t completely honest or faithful at the beginning for a bit, and he was extremely and violently jealous after that.

This is as far as I read, and as far as needed. Not exactly the best basis for a relationship. If you're still with him, move on, if you've left him, good (for both of you). Now, move on!
posted by BozoBurgerBonanza at 2:59 PM on July 28, 2011

I like the part where dishonesty on your part was his excuse for months of extremely horrendous and abusive behavior from him. But he is totally fine with being completely dishonest with his current girlfriend.

Gives the whole thing a great air of hypocrisy.
posted by the young rope-rider at 3:06 PM on July 28, 2011 [4 favorites]

How interesting, that he should keep in touch with you over the years, and then come and visit you and it be the most amazing 48 hours of your life (notice how there are a lot of people who say this has happened more than once in their lives. This is only the beginning of many for you). Reality check: This isn't some bad Hollywood movie where he's always carried a torch for you and you were really the love of his life and the timing was just wrong and you two are soulmates. No, there's some bad manipulative stuff going on here. This blog, though it considers a longer time frame (a decade or more), might still apply to your situation.
posted by foxjacket at 3:34 PM on July 28, 2011

Right now, I can think of four people, apart from my husband, with whom I have the kind of fun/connection/amazingness you describe.

If you go back to him, you may just limit or handicap your ability/willingness to see other people with amazing connections.

Listen to everyone here. I could tell you stories about dating that kind of guy, but I'll condense: RUN. Memail me if you want to talk/hear more.
posted by guster4lovers at 7:02 PM on July 28, 2011

Let's assume the best. He's grown up, realized what an ass he was, fixed himself completely. The thing is, remember how easy it was to slide back into the old patterns of having fun? It's just as easy to slide back into bad patterns where you fight. So even if he's great now and you're strong and make good decisions now, if you get back together there's a very good chance you're going to revert the past four years of learning and growing up. Don't do that.

1) More than once in a life time.

2) Don't call him. Don't answer if he calls. Don't e-mail. Get out of the house and do some fun, awesome activity!
posted by anaelith at 12:17 AM on July 29, 2011 [1 favorite]

I still remember what it was like in my earlier twenties when I and most of my friends were in our first serious relationships. And there was sooooooooooooooooooooo much drama, and cheating, and crying, and in some cases threatening and even violence. And it's also a very lonely time because you don't live with your family. You've left your parents and you don't have a spouse yet, so your dependent on your roommates and friends for companionship and at the same time your worried that you will always be alone or you'll never find anyone better....and.....

Yeah, all that stuff stopped when we hit 25 or 26. In my late teens and early twenties, I went through a string of guys and I never, never, never, thought I'd meet someone as perfect for me as my husband.

What I learned in my early twenties was that I had a little voice in my head that told me the right thing to do and then I had fear - fear of ending up alone mostly. Making decisions according to the little voice in my head always steered me in the right direction. Making decisions based on fear always led me down the wrong path and caused me to stay in relationships I knew were bad for me. I think you know what your little voice is saying.
posted by bananafish at 12:13 PM on July 29, 2011 [1 favorite]

I had a very difficult and painful involvment a few years ago - with someone who I "clicked" with and always felt wonderful about. Then he ended the relationship, and I cut contact with him and got over it.

A year and a half later I got in touch with him because I no longer felt scared. I really felt relaxed, and friendly, and not vulnerable or scared that I would fall back into the drama. He seemed pretty happy that I was around again, and showed it. We started seeing each other and everything was pretty damned normal and now we've been together for about 6 months.

People grow, people change, people figure things out. Yes.

But he and I are both in our 30s.

No matter how much he had "changed" the difference for me was that I was very, very clear I no longer wanted to be a part of a dramatic, difficult relationship. I no longer played the same role I had played a few years before. He found it much easier to get close to the new relaxed, confident, secure version of myself.

Are you no longer that girl what let herself be abused? Regardless of the wonderful feelings you share, are you totally certain you can get close to this person and reject the role you played before, as a victim? Have YOU changed enough?

And no, this is NOT once-in-a-lifetime.
posted by Locochona at 1:16 PM on July 30, 2011

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