How to get a coworker to help you
July 28, 2011 11:32 AM Subscribe
Is it possible to learn from a co-worker who doesn't seem to like you?
I just started a new job. It's a temporary position, and I'm new to the field. Everyone has been very friendly and helpful except one person. He won't speak to me unless I speak to him first. If he does, his answers are short and snippy, and he never looks at me when he speaks to me. I definitely feel a chill in his attitude toward me that I don't see when he interacts with others, and I don't know why.
It did cross my mind that maybe since my skills are way below his, he looks down on me for it. I've been nice and tried to initiate conversation, and even asked him to grab a drink after work, (which he agreed to, and then ditched me with the old "i forgot I have something to do" .
The thing is, there are only 5 of us on the crew, and he's easily the most experienced. Im impressed by how much he knows, and I could really learn a lot from him. He doesn't seem to mind sharing his knowledge with other people. I'd like to talk to him more, but is it possible to learn from him without making every interaction uncomfortable?
I just started a new job. It's a temporary position, and I'm new to the field. Everyone has been very friendly and helpful except one person. He won't speak to me unless I speak to him first. If he does, his answers are short and snippy, and he never looks at me when he speaks to me. I definitely feel a chill in his attitude toward me that I don't see when he interacts with others, and I don't know why.
It did cross my mind that maybe since my skills are way below his, he looks down on me for it. I've been nice and tried to initiate conversation, and even asked him to grab a drink after work, (which he agreed to, and then ditched me with the old "i forgot I have something to do" .
The thing is, there are only 5 of us on the crew, and he's easily the most experienced. Im impressed by how much he knows, and I could really learn a lot from him. He doesn't seem to mind sharing his knowledge with other people. I'd like to talk to him more, but is it possible to learn from him without making every interaction uncomfortable?
I've experienced the same attitude millions of time and the short answer about learning from them is yes.
It sounds like your real question is how to deal with him.
Tell him just what you said here and remember that "it's not what you say, but how you say it." Say it kindly, that you feel there is tension from his end but they're you're very impressed with his knowledge and would love to learn from him.
If he doesn't respond kindly, just follow his lead. You will still learn.
posted by magnoliasouth at 11:45 AM on July 28, 2011 [1 favorite]
It sounds like your real question is how to deal with him.
Tell him just what you said here and remember that "it's not what you say, but how you say it." Say it kindly, that you feel there is tension from his end but they're you're very impressed with his knowledge and would love to learn from him.
If he doesn't respond kindly, just follow his lead. You will still learn.
posted by magnoliasouth at 11:45 AM on July 28, 2011 [1 favorite]
My suggestion is to play up the fact that you are impressed by how much he knows, and show how you're hoping he can mentor you in your conversations with you. Show how you are legitimately interested in what he has to tell you. Most people love to feel smart and respected. Flattery usually works, especially by recognizing the value he brings.
Basically I would say something like, "Would you mind if I asked you questions from time to time, because you are clearly an expert, and I'd love to be able to know the best way to do things around here."
But yeah, don't be annoying about it. Respect his time and workload and demonstrate that you're a hard worker too.
posted by dobie at 11:47 AM on July 28, 2011
Basically I would say something like, "Would you mind if I asked you questions from time to time, because you are clearly an expert, and I'd love to be able to know the best way to do things around here."
But yeah, don't be annoying about it. Respect his time and workload and demonstrate that you're a hard worker too.
posted by dobie at 11:47 AM on July 28, 2011
He's probably cold towards you because you're temporary, not because you're inexperienced. He likely doesn't want to grab a drink with you or socialize because he doesn't perceive it as worthwhile. Likewise, he probably doesn't perceive teaching you things as worthwhile because he expects you to transition out of his life shortly.
If your goal is to learn as much as possible in this temporary position, and you want to learn things from him, you're going to have to come up with specific questions he can answer. Following him around hoping to soak up his knowledge is going to get annoying really fast. Focus on deliverables; e.g. "I want to learn a shortcut for making my formula in Excel." And then take it to him, and specifically ask, "My part in this project involves Excel, but I think my formulas are clunky. Can you show me how to do this better?" He also might respond better to email, especially if he's an IT type, since it's tough to manage projects without having them in writing.
So, back off, focus your questions, and leave him alone most of the time. I'm like him, sometimes. It's not worth my time to walk an inexperienced temp through what I do on a day-to-day basis because they're not doing it here at this job, and teaching someone what I do takes time away from actually doing what I do. But if someone has a specific question, especially one I can answer in an email, I can usually work it into my day.
posted by juniperesque at 11:48 AM on July 28, 2011 [3 favorites]
If your goal is to learn as much as possible in this temporary position, and you want to learn things from him, you're going to have to come up with specific questions he can answer. Following him around hoping to soak up his knowledge is going to get annoying really fast. Focus on deliverables; e.g. "I want to learn a shortcut for making my formula in Excel." And then take it to him, and specifically ask, "My part in this project involves Excel, but I think my formulas are clunky. Can you show me how to do this better?" He also might respond better to email, especially if he's an IT type, since it's tough to manage projects without having them in writing.
So, back off, focus your questions, and leave him alone most of the time. I'm like him, sometimes. It's not worth my time to walk an inexperienced temp through what I do on a day-to-day basis because they're not doing it here at this job, and teaching someone what I do takes time away from actually doing what I do. But if someone has a specific question, especially one I can answer in an email, I can usually work it into my day.
posted by juniperesque at 11:48 AM on July 28, 2011 [3 favorites]
If he's the most experienced, he might be the most busy. He might not have the time to just talk with you. In your interactions with him, very explicitly acknowledge that he might have time constraints. Try starting with "Do you have X minutes?", where X is your best estimate of how much of his time you need. If he hesitates answering, you be the one to say "You look busy. I'll look around myself some more, and maybe come back later. Sorry to interrupt, Thanks for your time."
posted by benito.strauss at 11:51 AM on July 28, 2011
posted by benito.strauss at 11:51 AM on July 28, 2011
Best answer: I've been nice and tried to initiate conversation, and even asked him to grab a drink after work
You could completely be describing me. If he's like me, here are a five possible reasons off the top of my head that he might be acting the way he is:
1. Perhaps it's that you're temporary, and he isn't all that interested in investing time in getting to know people who will only be around for a little while.
2. Maybe he's trying hard to manage his time well and stick to set hours (maybe he has a wife or family who need him home at a certain time, or maybe he's really devoted to getting to the gym every day around a certain time, or maybe he's hypoglycemic and needs to stick to a set meal schedule, or...), and every extraneous conversation or drinks session makes that goal difficult to realize. He's trying to do work at work, not make friends at work, and the only reason he seems more friendly with everyone else is that they've been in the trenches together for a while and gotten to know each other.
3. Maybe he doesn't like multitasking—he's not good at it or he's realized that it makes him less productive or whatever—and engaging in conversation takes him out of the zone he's in while getting work done.
4. Perhaps your tone is, as simorri noted, a bit too eager/chipper. I've been cool to people, especially younger new people, just because they're overly friendly or overly up in my business or say "like" too much or lilt all of their sentences up at the end...
5. Perhaps it's just that you're new, and he feels like you really need to prove yourself a competent team player, someone who gets work done and doesn't make more work for others, before he's interested in getting to know you better.
posted by limeonaire at 11:53 AM on July 28, 2011 [1 favorite]
You could completely be describing me. If he's like me, here are a five possible reasons off the top of my head that he might be acting the way he is:
1. Perhaps it's that you're temporary, and he isn't all that interested in investing time in getting to know people who will only be around for a little while.
2. Maybe he's trying hard to manage his time well and stick to set hours (maybe he has a wife or family who need him home at a certain time, or maybe he's really devoted to getting to the gym every day around a certain time, or maybe he's hypoglycemic and needs to stick to a set meal schedule, or...), and every extraneous conversation or drinks session makes that goal difficult to realize. He's trying to do work at work, not make friends at work, and the only reason he seems more friendly with everyone else is that they've been in the trenches together for a while and gotten to know each other.
3. Maybe he doesn't like multitasking—he's not good at it or he's realized that it makes him less productive or whatever—and engaging in conversation takes him out of the zone he's in while getting work done.
4. Perhaps your tone is, as simorri noted, a bit too eager/chipper. I've been cool to people, especially younger new people, just because they're overly friendly or overly up in my business or say "like" too much or lilt all of their sentences up at the end...
5. Perhaps it's just that you're new, and he feels like you really need to prove yourself a competent team player, someone who gets work done and doesn't make more work for others, before he's interested in getting to know you better.
posted by limeonaire at 11:53 AM on July 28, 2011 [1 favorite]
Riffing off of juniperesque, some people get very annoyed at new hires. Where the new hire usually sees asking questions as showing a proactive approach to getting things done, the seasoned employee will sometimes see someone who won't go looking for the solution themselves, but will monopolize a busy person's time asking dumb questions.
If you want to learn from him, or need to ask him a question, I would preface it by making it clear that you've tried to figure it out for yourself, and need additional expertise:
"Hey, X, I've been reading the file on such-and-so, and I think I'm missing some information. There's nothing else in the file and no indication in the shared drive of where else I might look. Do you have the inside scoop?"
posted by LN at 11:57 AM on July 28, 2011 [2 favorites]
If you want to learn from him, or need to ask him a question, I would preface it by making it clear that you've tried to figure it out for yourself, and need additional expertise:
"Hey, X, I've been reading the file on such-and-so, and I think I'm missing some information. There's nothing else in the file and no indication in the shared drive of where else I might look. Do you have the inside scoop?"
posted by LN at 11:57 AM on July 28, 2011 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Could he just be introverted? Your description of him sounds a lot like me at work. It takes me a long time to warm up to coworkers, even the ones I like, and I'm uneasy with after-hours socializing. When people I'm not close with try to converse with me, sometimes I pick up on the conversation, and sometimes I stare right through them while answering in clipped monosyllables, because I'm thinking "Talking? Durr, I don't understand about talking. What do I do?"
If that's the case, be friendly, but don't try to engage him. Let him open up to you instead of trying to pry him open. Figure out what his preferred method of communication is: if he likes to correspond via email, don't walk over to ask him questions, even if he's right next to you. Avoid interrupting him, don't worry about impressing him, and just be calm and trust that he'll come around.
posted by Metroid Baby at 12:11 PM on July 28, 2011 [2 favorites]
If that's the case, be friendly, but don't try to engage him. Let him open up to you instead of trying to pry him open. Figure out what his preferred method of communication is: if he likes to correspond via email, don't walk over to ask him questions, even if he's right next to you. Avoid interrupting him, don't worry about impressing him, and just be calm and trust that he'll come around.
posted by Metroid Baby at 12:11 PM on July 28, 2011 [2 favorites]
People say what you said about him about me all the time.
Some people suck in face to face interaction and don't even know they're doing it. Do you have IM in the office? Try talking to him that way and see if it goes better.
posted by empath at 12:15 PM on July 28, 2011
Some people suck in face to face interaction and don't even know they're doing it. Do you have IM in the office? Try talking to him that way and see if it goes better.
posted by empath at 12:15 PM on July 28, 2011
LN: "the seasoned employee will sometimes see someone who won't go looking for the solution themselves, but will monopolize a busy person's time asking dumb questions."
This can be a big factor in people generally perceived as being more experienced and more skilled getting annoyed at questions that the asker thinks innocently of. Sometimes they've had all too much experience with questions whose backstory is something like this short script:
X: Hey, how do we do this thing with the Barfoo gui?
Y: Hey. Hang on one moment. (makes sure they have their place saved in the three projects they're currently juggling. Jots down notes to self in necessary cases. Responds to two separate IMs about an unrelated fourth project that they're not directly responsible for, but still keep getting asked about because they've developed a reputation as a knowledge resource for one of the things it involves. There are two IMs because the two askers are on the same team but are clearly not actually coordinating with each other. One of them was already answered earlier, and clearly didn't read it.) Ok, what did you want to know about it?
X: Um. Well...how do we do it?
Y: Did you look at the training materials on it last week when it got rolled out?
X: ...yes?
Y: You mean "no," don't you?
X: I haven't had the time to look at it yet.
Y: Funny, I managed to. (sigh) Ok. From the main screen, you want to...
X: Oh hold on, I don't have it up. Just a minute.
(Twenty minutes pass. In the meantime, Y resumes work on the more urgent of the projects they're responsible for. Exactly when they have a solution to a particularly irritating problem on the tip of their brain, they get interrupted so they forget it.)
X: Ok! It's up! Now what?
Y: First...
X: Oh hey, did you get the pictures I sent you of my boat?! Oh, sorry, I lost the window. Just a minute.
Y: FUUUUUUUUUUU
Now, you may not be an offender to that degree, and may just be suffering from association with past offenders and catching unpleasant and undeserved aftereffects of that. Also, it's entirely possible coworker might just be a jerk. Some people are, and it's very unpleasant to work with them. Also note that none of the above excuses people being prickly at questions, just sometimes an explanation of what in the world their problem is.
Clear, specific framing of questions definitely help enormously with this kind of prickly-expert asking situation, to help prevent them from mentally casting you as all the X's in their working lives, and to help correct first impressions of same. Questions that demonstrate you're actively learning by other sources than just them, and understanding. Prickliness can sometimes melt away when the Y's of the workworld suddenly realize that this new person is understanding and learning at a pace that's going to simplify their own life once they're up to speed. Getting there is sometimes more difficult than it needs to be, but that's people in a nutshell, isn't it?
posted by Drastic at 12:23 PM on July 28, 2011 [2 favorites]
This can be a big factor in people generally perceived as being more experienced and more skilled getting annoyed at questions that the asker thinks innocently of. Sometimes they've had all too much experience with questions whose backstory is something like this short script:
X: Hey, how do we do this thing with the Barfoo gui?
Y: Hey. Hang on one moment. (makes sure they have their place saved in the three projects they're currently juggling. Jots down notes to self in necessary cases. Responds to two separate IMs about an unrelated fourth project that they're not directly responsible for, but still keep getting asked about because they've developed a reputation as a knowledge resource for one of the things it involves. There are two IMs because the two askers are on the same team but are clearly not actually coordinating with each other. One of them was already answered earlier, and clearly didn't read it.) Ok, what did you want to know about it?
X: Um. Well...how do we do it?
Y: Did you look at the training materials on it last week when it got rolled out?
X: ...yes?
Y: You mean "no," don't you?
X: I haven't had the time to look at it yet.
Y: Funny, I managed to. (sigh) Ok. From the main screen, you want to...
X: Oh hold on, I don't have it up. Just a minute.
(Twenty minutes pass. In the meantime, Y resumes work on the more urgent of the projects they're responsible for. Exactly when they have a solution to a particularly irritating problem on the tip of their brain, they get interrupted so they forget it.)
X: Ok! It's up! Now what?
Y: First...
X: Oh hey, did you get the pictures I sent you of my boat?! Oh, sorry, I lost the window. Just a minute.
Y: FUUUUUUUUUUU
Now, you may not be an offender to that degree, and may just be suffering from association with past offenders and catching unpleasant and undeserved aftereffects of that. Also, it's entirely possible coworker might just be a jerk. Some people are, and it's very unpleasant to work with them. Also note that none of the above excuses people being prickly at questions, just sometimes an explanation of what in the world their problem is.
Clear, specific framing of questions definitely help enormously with this kind of prickly-expert asking situation, to help prevent them from mentally casting you as all the X's in their working lives, and to help correct first impressions of same. Questions that demonstrate you're actively learning by other sources than just them, and understanding. Prickliness can sometimes melt away when the Y's of the workworld suddenly realize that this new person is understanding and learning at a pace that's going to simplify their own life once they're up to speed. Getting there is sometimes more difficult than it needs to be, but that's people in a nutshell, isn't it?
posted by Drastic at 12:23 PM on July 28, 2011 [2 favorites]
If someone has decided they don't like you and/or seems to avoid you, it's not a good idea to try to buddy up to them anyway. I would recommend that you be very professional and keep all interactions strictly work-related and as brief as reasonably possible. Hopefully the person will come around once he gets to know you better, but if not hopefully you'll still be able to benefit from his experience and knowledge during the course of what interactions you do have.
posted by orange swan at 12:28 PM on July 28, 2011 [3 favorites]
posted by orange swan at 12:28 PM on July 28, 2011 [3 favorites]
Best answer: Playing off of the comments, one way I learn from people who doesn't seem to like me is - how not to act towards others.
This may be an opportunity for you to learn how to have confidence in yourself and not be rude to the new guy.
posted by BuffaloChickenWing at 12:28 PM on July 28, 2011 [3 favorites]
This may be an opportunity for you to learn how to have confidence in yourself and not be rude to the new guy.
posted by BuffaloChickenWing at 12:28 PM on July 28, 2011 [3 favorites]
Can't tell you how many times I used to hear "you know, you're a great guy. when I first started working here, I thought you [hated me|were a jerk|were introverted]." I was just busy, and focused on work, and assumed that everybody else wanted to focus on work as well. Plus, it is easier to code when you're heads-down, and stopping to talk just wasn't on my radar. I've mellowed since then, but perhaps this person is similar. So ask questions when you need to, get the information you need, and don't worry about making him your friend -- he's a coworker, you just need to respect each other.
posted by davejay at 12:29 PM on July 28, 2011
posted by davejay at 12:29 PM on July 28, 2011
Response by poster: Thanks for all the great answers. There's probably a little truth in all of them. I definitely try not to be too chipper and eager because I've been annoyed by the naive enthusiasm of new hires myself, and I don't want to be that person. I think limeonaire's #5 said it best, he is quite busy, and I still have to prove that I'm more of a help than a hindrance.
posted by Desert Paintbrush at 12:35 PM on July 28, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by Desert Paintbrush at 12:35 PM on July 28, 2011 [2 favorites]
You don't have to be friends with everyone at work. I really don't know what to say beyond that. If you have work-related business that involves him then be prepared and listen carefully to what he says and that's it. I am in a job that I love and I have never gone out for a beer with any of these people in the 2 years I've been here. It's just not that kind of place.
posted by dawkins_7 at 12:43 PM on July 28, 2011
posted by dawkins_7 at 12:43 PM on July 28, 2011
I'm in IT and this happens quite a bit, especially if the question is something that you could figure out if you spent a little extra time yourself doing some investigation.
Here's what I do: When I get stuck A)I start writing an email describing the problem. Then before I send it, I re-read it. Then, B)I ask myself, "What avenues can I explore before I send it out because that guy will surely ask me if I checked into it." Then if I come up with something I start investigating it. If it answers my question, great. Otherwise, C)I add a statement to the email saying, "I also checked into X, saw Y, etc... but didn't come up with anything" and start over again at B. If I can't come up with anything then I send the email.
That way you look like you're trying and not sponging off of more experienced people.
posted by kookywon at 1:00 PM on July 28, 2011 [1 favorite]
Here's what I do: When I get stuck A)I start writing an email describing the problem. Then before I send it, I re-read it. Then, B)I ask myself, "What avenues can I explore before I send it out because that guy will surely ask me if I checked into it." Then if I come up with something I start investigating it. If it answers my question, great. Otherwise, C)I add a statement to the email saying, "I also checked into X, saw Y, etc... but didn't come up with anything" and start over again at B. If I can't come up with anything then I send the email.
That way you look like you're trying and not sponging off of more experienced people.
posted by kookywon at 1:00 PM on July 28, 2011 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: I wanted to add without giving away too much detail, by the nature of our job, we are all temporary. I was the last to join the team. Also, we are I'm kind of a remote area, so its not too out of the norm to hang out with coworkers. But you're right, I don't need to be buddies with everyone.
posted by Desert Paintbrush at 1:49 PM on July 28, 2011
posted by Desert Paintbrush at 1:49 PM on July 28, 2011
Maybe he's got hemorrhoids, or his boyfriend might be breaking up with him. Treat him professionally and be friendly with good boundaries. Make a list of things you want his help with, and ask if you could set a time to meet with him to review them. Thank him for his help when you get it. If he refuses, seek help elsewhere.
posted by theora55 at 5:02 PM on July 28, 2011
posted by theora55 at 5:02 PM on July 28, 2011
You might be coming across as over-eager. He might secretly have a massive crush on you. He could be an introvert/shy. You could remind him of someone he hates. You could speculate for an eternity about what it is. Instead, just be nice, don't take it personally, and don't try to make him like you (because then he'll really dislike you).
posted by mleigh at 5:37 PM on July 28, 2011
posted by mleigh at 5:37 PM on July 28, 2011
To piggyback off the "he may just be super-busy" list, is it at all possible for you to keep a running list of questions and then check in with him no more than once a day with them? Perhaps framing it, "Hey, I know you're crazy-busy, but me being the new guy, I have some questions. I don't want to interrupt you more than absolutely necessary, so I was wondering if we could talk x time[s] per week[s] so I could ask persistent but not-urgent questions? Thanks!"
posted by smirkette at 6:20 PM on July 28, 2011
posted by smirkette at 6:20 PM on July 28, 2011
Are you a woman? Maybe he's short with you because he's totally awkward around women. Been known to happen. On the outside it seems like hostility but inside it's, "OMYGODOMYGODOMYGOD!"
posted by klanawa at 9:38 PM on July 28, 2011
posted by klanawa at 9:38 PM on July 28, 2011
Speaking as someone who's been having an admirer bug me at the office for weeks on end, including repeated requests for lunch together so he can "get my advice" etc... please just take the hint and don't ask him for his attention. He doesn't want to give it to you and he doesn't owe it to you. Maybe you're delightful and he's too busy; maybe he's not too busy but he's too busy to do more gratis work... whatever. You're not his boss; leave him alone. I don't want to be mean, I know you're not my annoying office stalker, but I can imagine that person posting the same bewildered message, and I wish someone would give him the advice I just gave you.
posted by fingersandtoes at 10:24 PM on July 28, 2011
posted by fingersandtoes at 10:24 PM on July 28, 2011
Mmm, I'm having trouble with this right now as well, except I'm on the "I can't -stand- her" end of things. I'm trying to be understanding, but here are some things I've observed about her that really get on my nerves, rather legitimately I might add.
Keep your inquiries short and professional. Don't try to small talk your way into getting advice - just think about your question, then rephrase it again in your head, and then ask. After he answers, say "Thank you for your help" or simply "Thank you, John" and walk away.
Don't try to bullshit with him while he's working. If you have to sit near him, a sort of "look over the shoulder to learn" deal, then for God's sake, don't try to start a conversation while a.) they're trying to teach you something or b.) they're doing something like typing in numbers or some other thing that takes concentration.
If you're using an office asset of some kind, whether it be the stapler, the copier, or a computer, and your coworker asks "Hey, are you nearly finished with that", don't, please don't, say, "Yes, I just have to do this ____ and then I'll be done" and then sit there and bullshit with other people. Especially if he/she has paperwork in hand. Especially if they're obviously waiting on you.
And yeah, some people just get on the nerves of other people without any real reason.
Respect the job. Respect your coworkers for wanting to do a job well done. Do your job well, and maybe they'll extend a kindness in the future. Until then, don't worry about it.
posted by DisreputableDog at 10:49 PM on July 28, 2011
Keep your inquiries short and professional. Don't try to small talk your way into getting advice - just think about your question, then rephrase it again in your head, and then ask. After he answers, say "Thank you for your help" or simply "Thank you, John" and walk away.
Don't try to bullshit with him while he's working. If you have to sit near him, a sort of "look over the shoulder to learn" deal, then for God's sake, don't try to start a conversation while a.) they're trying to teach you something or b.) they're doing something like typing in numbers or some other thing that takes concentration.
If you're using an office asset of some kind, whether it be the stapler, the copier, or a computer, and your coworker asks "Hey, are you nearly finished with that", don't, please don't, say, "Yes, I just have to do this ____ and then I'll be done" and then sit there and bullshit with other people. Especially if he/she has paperwork in hand. Especially if they're obviously waiting on you.
And yeah, some people just get on the nerves of other people without any real reason.
Respect the job. Respect your coworkers for wanting to do a job well done. Do your job well, and maybe they'll extend a kindness in the future. Until then, don't worry about it.
posted by DisreputableDog at 10:49 PM on July 28, 2011
Stop trying to make him like you!
He's sending you every non-agressive "leave me alone" signal he can, and yet you ask him out for a drink! Seriously?! Get some self respect, learn to read social signals and leave the poor man in peace.
He's quite possible also a jerk, in which case there is no hope. However, if he's just not a particularly social person, stop making him uncomfortable and he might stop avoiding you so intensely.
posted by kjs4 at 11:23 PM on July 28, 2011 [3 favorites]
He's sending you every non-agressive "leave me alone" signal he can, and yet you ask him out for a drink! Seriously?! Get some self respect, learn to read social signals and leave the poor man in peace.
He's quite possible also a jerk, in which case there is no hope. However, if he's just not a particularly social person, stop making him uncomfortable and he might stop avoiding you so intensely.
posted by kjs4 at 11:23 PM on July 28, 2011 [3 favorites]
Maybe your accent is grating to him. Maybe the smell of your shampoo/body wash/laundry detergent reminds him of something that's grating to him. Maybe you look like someone he knew a long time ago and that's grating to him. I've had all of these things happen, and mostly I got over it once I got used to the person so that [problem] was no longer the most prominent thing when I thought about them. But this only happened through a really slow, gradual process. If they started following me around, I pretty much ducked into the bathroom every time I saw them.
posted by anaelith at 11:28 PM on July 28, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by anaelith at 11:28 PM on July 28, 2011 [1 favorite]
Have you asked the other's in your group?
posted by dgeiser13 at 2:12 PM on July 29, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by dgeiser13 at 2:12 PM on July 29, 2011 [1 favorite]
Though it's true that there are a lot of other reasons he might be acting this way, I'd bet that your forwardness as a new person may just be intimidating, odd, off-putting, or some combination of the three to him. Especially since you have tried to mix the personal with the professional so quickly by asking him to go for drinks, when he's given no indication of wanting to be friendly with you.
It makes sense that he's warmer with everyone else there -- he's worked with them longer.
I think you're jumping the gun on thinking he doesn't like you. He's not comfortable with you, and that's different. And hey, he was polite or willing enough to agree to drinks at first, even if he did back out with an excuse later. As someone who used to have horrible social anxiety, this was my trick: first you agree to some social event that you have no intention of actually going to. Why? Because you don't want the person asking you to dislike you by hedging or just saying no flat out. It's worthwhile to ask yourself why he didn't just do that if he doesn't like you and there's nothing else going on here.
posted by houndsoflove at 5:19 PM on July 29, 2011
It makes sense that he's warmer with everyone else there -- he's worked with them longer.
I think you're jumping the gun on thinking he doesn't like you. He's not comfortable with you, and that's different. And hey, he was polite or willing enough to agree to drinks at first, even if he did back out with an excuse later. As someone who used to have horrible social anxiety, this was my trick: first you agree to some social event that you have no intention of actually going to. Why? Because you don't want the person asking you to dislike you by hedging or just saying no flat out. It's worthwhile to ask yourself why he didn't just do that if he doesn't like you and there's nothing else going on here.
posted by houndsoflove at 5:19 PM on July 29, 2011
« Older You're my favorite person... too bad you're a... | Day Trips in and Around Frankfurt Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.
My suggestion is for you to reel it in a little, leave him alone for a little while, and wait for an opportunity to engage him on a specific question.
posted by slmorri at 11:45 AM on July 28, 2011 [4 favorites]