Hi, my name is -, and I'm incredibly creepy
April 15, 2011 7:58 PM Subscribe
Can you recommend good books on forgiving yourself / accepting yourself for having a kink?
To make a long story short, I recently realized that I have intense fantasies of being violently dominated. (It's actually even more embarrassing than that, but that's the gist of it.) I hate this about me. I don't want to be this person. I don't want to create an elaborate "scene" life or hook up with random bastards from Craigslist. The fantasy is being dominated by a man who is worthy to dominate me, and I will probably never land one of those, or even meet one. And yet it feels like it's actually the safest, most secure idea of sex I've ever had. It cannot be right to get a feeling of inner peace from that.
I don't really want a fantasy, anyway -- I want a human 3-D relationship. After these thoughts started bothering me, I hooked up with an FWB in an ordinary fashion, but it was scary how absent I felt.
I've read columns by some authors who are all YAY SEX and HOORAY BDSM etc., but what I'd like is to read something by a less open person who really had to struggle to come to terms with this, or a therapist who writes about that process. I have a pop-psych understanding that it's probably about lacking strong male figures growing up, being an independent woman who has to do everything herself, etc. etc. I understand that, but it's hard not to feel that the whole thing makes me contemptible. And the more loathsome I feel, the more daydreams I have about non-con injurious sex. I wouldn't go around judging other people, but there it is.
Any advice is appreciated.
To make a long story short, I recently realized that I have intense fantasies of being violently dominated. (It's actually even more embarrassing than that, but that's the gist of it.) I hate this about me. I don't want to be this person. I don't want to create an elaborate "scene" life or hook up with random bastards from Craigslist. The fantasy is being dominated by a man who is worthy to dominate me, and I will probably never land one of those, or even meet one. And yet it feels like it's actually the safest, most secure idea of sex I've ever had. It cannot be right to get a feeling of inner peace from that.
I don't really want a fantasy, anyway -- I want a human 3-D relationship. After these thoughts started bothering me, I hooked up with an FWB in an ordinary fashion, but it was scary how absent I felt.
I've read columns by some authors who are all YAY SEX and HOORAY BDSM etc., but what I'd like is to read something by a less open person who really had to struggle to come to terms with this, or a therapist who writes about that process. I have a pop-psych understanding that it's probably about lacking strong male figures growing up, being an independent woman who has to do everything herself, etc. etc. I understand that, but it's hard not to feel that the whole thing makes me contemptible. And the more loathsome I feel, the more daydreams I have about non-con injurious sex. I wouldn't go around judging other people, but there it is.
Any advice is appreciated.
Secondhand, I heard that The Secretary is a good movie. I've never seen it myself. Fair warning, eventually the character indulges in the domination behavior and that might not be something you're in for. But there is apparently an internal struggle.
I've had a lot of trouble accepting myself in general. One of the therapeutic things I've read (I am NOT a therapist or anything else, I've just read this) mentioned that OCD people tend to:
A. Have sexual thoughts that deeply trouble them.
B. Attach enormous importance to those thoughts.
So it isn't really about adjusting paintings on your wall all the time. You might want to find a therapist that you can talk to if this is what it is, (I'm NOT saying it is, I don't know). That can actually help.
Many people have many strange and bizarre fantasies. I'm sure that looking through the amount of human cultural/artistic experience we have to come to the conclusion that people have thought and discussed these types of things without the world coming to an end.
These thoughts don't have to dominate your life, you don't have to be scared of them. Also, being scared of them / self loathing isn't protecting you from becoming whatever it is that you are scared of becoming. I guess this is the thing about ra-ra-sexual liberation that I found intimidating, it seemed very binary, like it would involve a loss of self, and my own personal hangups made me very scared of, I guess, "giving up myself?"
I guess it can be hard to argue "this isn't as important as your head is telling you it is," when people are seeing somebody paint somebody's toenails pink and it causing a national news sensation. I have a strong tendency when I see people lose their marbles over this stuff to think, "wow, what if they spent a day inside my head!" But that's the thing, they're spending the day inside their own heads, and that may be what is making them react so badly. If there is something that you can't stand about yourself, you are going to be strongly affected when you see that thing in your neighbor. There are some people to whom it is going to be a big deal. But it isn't everybody, it isn't the end of the world, and everybody has fantasies they don't indulge.
In all likelihood what will happen is that you will have a long standard life with the average amount of happiness and success and sex and nothing really all that bad will happen.
posted by SomeOneElse at 8:36 PM on April 15, 2011 [1 favorite]
I've had a lot of trouble accepting myself in general. One of the therapeutic things I've read (I am NOT a therapist or anything else, I've just read this) mentioned that OCD people tend to:
A. Have sexual thoughts that deeply trouble them.
B. Attach enormous importance to those thoughts.
So it isn't really about adjusting paintings on your wall all the time. You might want to find a therapist that you can talk to if this is what it is, (I'm NOT saying it is, I don't know). That can actually help.
Many people have many strange and bizarre fantasies. I'm sure that looking through the amount of human cultural/artistic experience we have to come to the conclusion that people have thought and discussed these types of things without the world coming to an end.
These thoughts don't have to dominate your life, you don't have to be scared of them. Also, being scared of them / self loathing isn't protecting you from becoming whatever it is that you are scared of becoming. I guess this is the thing about ra-ra-sexual liberation that I found intimidating, it seemed very binary, like it would involve a loss of self, and my own personal hangups made me very scared of, I guess, "giving up myself?"
I guess it can be hard to argue "this isn't as important as your head is telling you it is," when people are seeing somebody paint somebody's toenails pink and it causing a national news sensation. I have a strong tendency when I see people lose their marbles over this stuff to think, "wow, what if they spent a day inside my head!" But that's the thing, they're spending the day inside their own heads, and that may be what is making them react so badly. If there is something that you can't stand about yourself, you are going to be strongly affected when you see that thing in your neighbor. There are some people to whom it is going to be a big deal. But it isn't everybody, it isn't the end of the world, and everybody has fantasies they don't indulge.
In all likelihood what will happen is that you will have a long standard life with the average amount of happiness and success and sex and nothing really all that bad will happen.
posted by SomeOneElse at 8:36 PM on April 15, 2011 [1 favorite]
There's a welcoming and nice MeFi group on fetlife. At the very least, it might be good to poke around in the forums and see how other people have managed to come to terms with their kinks in various ways (and, of course, laugh at the internet superstars, who are astoundingly cheesy). You can be double or triple anonymous, and just browse, if that works better for you.
I'm sure there are kink-specific memoirs, but what your question makes me think of are the descriptions I have read of coming to terms with being gay in really hostile environments. I think there is something universal about accepting and loving yourself when everything around you is telling you that you are nasty and bad.
And I find it so sad to read statements like "it's hard not to feel that the whole thing makes me contemptible" -- like the kitty says, you aren't broken or bad. It's actually a super, super common kink that gazillions of people (gay, straight, etc) share in varying degrees. (If it wasn't, I think you'd find that romance novels, erotic fan fiction, and cheezy porn movies would all have startling different plots than they in fact do.) It's normal, seriously.
It's possible to find a (loving, happy, normal, caring, etc) relationship in which your kink is supported and explored. And other people enjoy thinking about it, reading about it, watching movies like Secretary, rather than ever acting out one iota. Both are ok paths -- but both involve accepting and loving yourself and not feeling broken or creepy. You aren't.
posted by Forktine at 8:37 PM on April 15, 2011 [2 favorites]
I'm sure there are kink-specific memoirs, but what your question makes me think of are the descriptions I have read of coming to terms with being gay in really hostile environments. I think there is something universal about accepting and loving yourself when everything around you is telling you that you are nasty and bad.
And I find it so sad to read statements like "it's hard not to feel that the whole thing makes me contemptible" -- like the kitty says, you aren't broken or bad. It's actually a super, super common kink that gazillions of people (gay, straight, etc) share in varying degrees. (If it wasn't, I think you'd find that romance novels, erotic fan fiction, and cheezy porn movies would all have startling different plots than they in fact do.) It's normal, seriously.
It's possible to find a (loving, happy, normal, caring, etc) relationship in which your kink is supported and explored. And other people enjoy thinking about it, reading about it, watching movies like Secretary, rather than ever acting out one iota. Both are ok paths -- but both involve accepting and loving yourself and not feeling broken or creepy. You aren't.
posted by Forktine at 8:37 PM on April 15, 2011 [2 favorites]
I would recommend Real Live Nude Girl: Chronicles of a Sex-Positive Culture, by Carol Queen. Now, I have only personally read her columns and seen a few of her videos, but she is a wonderful educator, and looking at this review, I think it may help with the issue you are struggling with.
Seconding you're a kitty! There's nothing wrong or broken or bad about you!
posted by Rube R. Nekker at 8:40 PM on April 15, 2011
Seconding you're a kitty! There's nothing wrong or broken or bad about you!
posted by Rube R. Nekker at 8:40 PM on April 15, 2011
Jay Wiseman's SM 101 has a section about the author's own struggle to come to terms with his kink. He's a dominant man, not a submissive woman, but he had a similar sense that what he wanted was creepy and wrong, and he writes pretty eloquently about overcoming that. (The rest of the book is more of a how-to on doing BDSM, like the title suggests — and frankly, even if that was what you were looking for, there would be other how-to books that I'd recommend sooner. But the personal narrative bits are worth a read.)
Also, while I haven't read it, I hear good things about Catherine Liszt and Dossie Easton's When Someone You Love is Kinky. It seems to be the usual suggestion for someone who's feeling squeamish and freaked out and trying to accept a friend/relative/partner's kinks, but I wonder if you might find some of it relevant to your own experience.
And, yeah, come by the People from Metafilter group on Fetlife if you want to talk more about this stuff. We've all been there — and a lot of us have ended up pretty content without an elaborate scene life or random hookups with Craigslist bastards, so it can be done!
posted by nebulawindphone at 8:42 PM on April 15, 2011 [2 favorites]
Also, while I haven't read it, I hear good things about Catherine Liszt and Dossie Easton's When Someone You Love is Kinky. It seems to be the usual suggestion for someone who's feeling squeamish and freaked out and trying to accept a friend/relative/partner's kinks, but I wonder if you might find some of it relevant to your own experience.
And, yeah, come by the People from Metafilter group on Fetlife if you want to talk more about this stuff. We've all been there — and a lot of us have ended up pretty content without an elaborate scene life or random hookups with Craigslist bastards, so it can be done!
posted by nebulawindphone at 8:42 PM on April 15, 2011 [2 favorites]
First of all, I want to please reassure you that you are defintely not alone in this interest. Like you're a kitty!, I want to hug you and tell you that your interests are not only all right and acceptable, they're actually very common in the world of kink.
I'm very into being dominated, rape-play, and similar situations (probably for many of the same reasons you mention). I agree that Craigslist is not the way to go but, happily, I've never had to, and neither will/should you. My email is in my profile if you're comfortable enough to contact me so we can talk further. If not, I'd recommend (in addition to Dan Savage) checking out FetLife.com. Anything goes, and no one judges.
Kinky hugs to you.
posted by actuallyiam at 8:44 PM on April 15, 2011 [1 favorite]
I'm very into being dominated, rape-play, and similar situations (probably for many of the same reasons you mention). I agree that Craigslist is not the way to go but, happily, I've never had to, and neither will/should you. My email is in my profile if you're comfortable enough to contact me so we can talk further. If not, I'd recommend (in addition to Dan Savage) checking out FetLife.com. Anything goes, and no one judges.
Kinky hugs to you.
posted by actuallyiam at 8:44 PM on April 15, 2011 [1 favorite]
Secretary is a good film in that it covers the angst associated with such things from both perspectives (dom/sub). It doesn't deal with violent non-con stuff, but rather the internal stress of wanting something so different from the 'norm'. Both characters go through it so it's good from that perspective.
There is also tremendous precedent for female sub within history and pop culture. One could argue that most of Western culture is based around male dom/female sub dynamic.
Look at it this way - I think it's harder for those who err on the side of being female dommes, particularly those who don't present themselves as leather-clad bitches, because culturally we're not set up that way. In a way, Western women are 'supposed' to want to be dominated by men (and to submit to domination - to be taken, if you will) so I don't think your kink is really out of the ordinary (socially speaking). All your doing is ramping it up a notch.
posted by mleigh at 9:00 PM on April 15, 2011
There is also tremendous precedent for female sub within history and pop culture. One could argue that most of Western culture is based around male dom/female sub dynamic.
Look at it this way - I think it's harder for those who err on the side of being female dommes, particularly those who don't present themselves as leather-clad bitches, because culturally we're not set up that way. In a way, Western women are 'supposed' to want to be dominated by men (and to submit to domination - to be taken, if you will) so I don't think your kink is really out of the ordinary (socially speaking). All your doing is ramping it up a notch.
posted by mleigh at 9:00 PM on April 15, 2011
Also, even gosh darn C.S. Lewis (The Four Loves):
"This act can invite the man to an extreme, though short-lived, masterfulness, to the dominance of a conqueror or a captor, and the woman to a correspondingly extreme subjection and surrender. Hence the roughness, even fierceness, of some erotic play."..."I think it is harmless and wholesome on one condition."
..Granted in the same book he calls gay men "pansies" and suggests that courage on the battlefield is a good indicator that a man isn't gay, and a lot of other things that aren't at all helpful in being accepting or good to people. I'm bringing this up not to plug Lewis as much as to point out that this has been going on as long as there were people, even among folks who might seem at first to be "normal." Even/Especially among the pillars and authors of the "normal" standard. There aren't "normal" people by the unfair standard you are judging yourself by, there are just people you don't know well enough to realize they aren't normal.
Plus there was that whole Philomastix thing Lewis had going.
posted by SomeOneElse at 9:20 PM on April 15, 2011
"This act can invite the man to an extreme, though short-lived, masterfulness, to the dominance of a conqueror or a captor, and the woman to a correspondingly extreme subjection and surrender. Hence the roughness, even fierceness, of some erotic play."..."I think it is harmless and wholesome on one condition."
..Granted in the same book he calls gay men "pansies" and suggests that courage on the battlefield is a good indicator that a man isn't gay, and a lot of other things that aren't at all helpful in being accepting or good to people. I'm bringing this up not to plug Lewis as much as to point out that this has been going on as long as there were people, even among folks who might seem at first to be "normal." Even/Especially among the pillars and authors of the "normal" standard. There aren't "normal" people by the unfair standard you are judging yourself by, there are just people you don't know well enough to realize they aren't normal.
Plus there was that whole Philomastix thing Lewis had going.
posted by SomeOneElse at 9:20 PM on April 15, 2011
Nthing "Nothing's wrong with you."
I have a submissive streak and felt odd about it for awhile (especially as a survivor of date rape & emotional abuse), but gradually I accepted that part of myself.
posted by luckynerd at 11:27 PM on April 15, 2011
I have a submissive streak and felt odd about it for awhile (especially as a survivor of date rape & emotional abuse), but gradually I accepted that part of myself.
posted by luckynerd at 11:27 PM on April 15, 2011
Nthing most of the book recommendations mentioned upthread, but mostly chiming in with internet hugs and personal confirmatory anecdata that you aren't a bad or broken person.
So I'm kinky probably in many of the same regards as you are. I'm a submissive masochist who also really enjoys some fairly extreme forms of humiliation. And I always have been, ever since I was aware of myself as a sexual person. I used to feel horrible about it, like this awful disgusting pervert slut creature. I remember feeling absolutely relieved the first time I encountered BDSM-themed porn, because at least I wasn't the only weird freak-creature in the universe (I was probably 12 or 13 at the time), and then feeling even worse (it was really objectively pretty gross porn). It didn't help that my high school boyfriend would repeatedly go off on random tirades about how gross bondage was (in retrospect, he was probably in a similar state of kink-denial). So I lived in this horrible cycle of fantasy --> shame --> even more fantasy. For YEARS. I dated some really shitty partners and had some really awful sex (for-real degrading, bad, etc., because I couldn't accept myself enough to get my desires met in a constructive way). Then, in an amazing stroke of luck, I finally randomly met someone who picked up on what I wanted (but was too scared to articulate) and showed me that it was okay to want these things, and that I was an okay person.
It's not like my sex life has been unqualifiedly blissful ever since, but I will tell you this: Being dominated by someone who really loves you and cares about your wellbeing is actually the awesomest thing ever. It's this amazing game that you play: "I'm going to do these terrible things to you, to show you how much I care about you, because you are simply a splendid individual.". It doesn't have to be all dark and whips and chains and scary unless you want it to be. You don't have to go get random sexings on Craigslist unless you want them. You don't have to be all into "the scene" unless you want to be (personally, I sort of hang out on the fringes of it -- and anyway I have the best luck at partner-finding via vanilla activities and/or OK Cupid, of all things. Look for a person that you have a lot in common with and can trust and admire as a friend, who just so happens to want to beat you up a bit. Finding said person is a lot easier when you aren't a ball of self-loathing, though: self-acceptance is way hotter and more fun for everyone.)
And guess what: I'm not even all that fucked-up of a person! I am good at my job, and I have a relatively normal life, and regular people mostly like and respect me. I don't exist in some dark shadowy underworld: I enjoy many of the same activities and pursuits as the rest of humanity. Only with a lot more bruises under my clothes.
Anyway, many many hugs for you. I am sure you are a fantastic person, not despite your kinks, but *including* them. And don't hesitate to contact me if you want to talk to someone.
posted by kataclysm at 11:28 PM on April 15, 2011 [5 favorites]
So I'm kinky probably in many of the same regards as you are. I'm a submissive masochist who also really enjoys some fairly extreme forms of humiliation. And I always have been, ever since I was aware of myself as a sexual person. I used to feel horrible about it, like this awful disgusting pervert slut creature. I remember feeling absolutely relieved the first time I encountered BDSM-themed porn, because at least I wasn't the only weird freak-creature in the universe (I was probably 12 or 13 at the time), and then feeling even worse (it was really objectively pretty gross porn). It didn't help that my high school boyfriend would repeatedly go off on random tirades about how gross bondage was (in retrospect, he was probably in a similar state of kink-denial). So I lived in this horrible cycle of fantasy --> shame --> even more fantasy. For YEARS. I dated some really shitty partners and had some really awful sex (for-real degrading, bad, etc., because I couldn't accept myself enough to get my desires met in a constructive way). Then, in an amazing stroke of luck, I finally randomly met someone who picked up on what I wanted (but was too scared to articulate) and showed me that it was okay to want these things, and that I was an okay person.
It's not like my sex life has been unqualifiedly blissful ever since, but I will tell you this: Being dominated by someone who really loves you and cares about your wellbeing is actually the awesomest thing ever. It's this amazing game that you play: "I'm going to do these terrible things to you, to show you how much I care about you, because you are simply a splendid individual.". It doesn't have to be all dark and whips and chains and scary unless you want it to be. You don't have to go get random sexings on Craigslist unless you want them. You don't have to be all into "the scene" unless you want to be (personally, I sort of hang out on the fringes of it -- and anyway I have the best luck at partner-finding via vanilla activities and/or OK Cupid, of all things. Look for a person that you have a lot in common with and can trust and admire as a friend, who just so happens to want to beat you up a bit. Finding said person is a lot easier when you aren't a ball of self-loathing, though: self-acceptance is way hotter and more fun for everyone.)
And guess what: I'm not even all that fucked-up of a person! I am good at my job, and I have a relatively normal life, and regular people mostly like and respect me. I don't exist in some dark shadowy underworld: I enjoy many of the same activities and pursuits as the rest of humanity. Only with a lot more bruises under my clothes.
Anyway, many many hugs for you. I am sure you are a fantastic person, not despite your kinks, but *including* them. And don't hesitate to contact me if you want to talk to someone.
posted by kataclysm at 11:28 PM on April 15, 2011 [5 favorites]
Being dominated by someone who really loves you and cares about your wellbeing is actually the awesomest thing ever.
Seconded. There's only two people so far I've trusted enough to submit to. One's my husband, and the other is a friend I've known for 21 years. Had a blast. :)
posted by luckynerd at 11:32 PM on April 15, 2011
Seconded. There's only two people so far I've trusted enough to submit to. One's my husband, and the other is a friend I've known for 21 years. Had a blast. :)
posted by luckynerd at 11:32 PM on April 15, 2011
This is not a book, but it's my story, and I hope it helps.
Every sexual fantasy I have ever had involves being violently dominated. Usually degraded and humiliated, too! For years, these fantasies took the form of rape fantasies. I felt so much self-loathing over this - I really thought there was something wrong with me on a very deep level. I avoided sexual intimacy because it felt dangerous to get too close to these desires.
This was my deep, dark secret. I knew on an intellectual level that rape fantasies were normal (check out this amazing literature review and this NY Times article to see just how normal), and I never would have judged anyone else for having them, but I didn't want this sexuality for myself. I felt the same way about practicing BDSM with a partner - I just didn't want to deal with it.
Actually, forktine's comment nails it, because now when I look back on how I was/felt before, it was like I was in the closet, and terrified of being discovered.
And then about a year ago, I had a moment of clarity while talking with a friend about Buddhism, of all things. We were talking about the concept of acceptance (ie, the idea that in order to make things better, you must first accept them as they are) and it hit me like a thunderbolt - my sexuality wasn't something to be changed, it was something to love and embrace about myself.
So I started working on that. I found a therapist through the kink-aware professionals list and spent a TON of time reading first-hand stuff by kinky people (here on askme, on fetlife, a million and a half blogs by subs, the list goes on ...). I gradually started accepting this part of myself.
Something really amazing happened. As I started accepting my sexuality, all of a sudden pretty much everything in my life got better. My friendships improved. I got a new job I love. I stopped overeating as much as I had been and lost 20 lbs. It was as if I had been carrying this enormous weight that I didn't even know was there. Once that was gone, I was able to live the rest of my life more easily.
It took a while, but I finally had my first relationship with a Dom-type a few months ago. I'll be honest, it wasn't the best relationship, it was short-lived and it ended badly. I'm currently picking up the emotional pieces. But man oh man, I cannot tell you how amazing it was to finally experience this stuff with a partner. It was an extremely powerful experience and did so much to make me comfortable with this part of myself. Oh, and it was also super-hot.
One of the things I discovered when I was going through this is that a lot of why I hated my fantasies is that they tapped into emotions and a side of my personality that made me feel uncomfortable. You might find the same thing. I say be prepared for that and realize that this doesn't make you weak or needy - it makes you a complex human being.
While I was writing this, I did think of one blog in particular that I've read that dealt with this pretty well: Subversive Sub. Check out the archives from the early days of her blog to read about how much she struggled, and then read about her amazing relationship with her dominant partner.
I actually also have a blog where I write about being feminist and coming to terms with also being a sub. Memail me if you'd like the link, or if you want to talk to someone who's been there.
posted by the essence of class and fanciness at 12:15 AM on April 16, 2011 [9 favorites]
Every sexual fantasy I have ever had involves being violently dominated. Usually degraded and humiliated, too! For years, these fantasies took the form of rape fantasies. I felt so much self-loathing over this - I really thought there was something wrong with me on a very deep level. I avoided sexual intimacy because it felt dangerous to get too close to these desires.
This was my deep, dark secret. I knew on an intellectual level that rape fantasies were normal (check out this amazing literature review and this NY Times article to see just how normal), and I never would have judged anyone else for having them, but I didn't want this sexuality for myself. I felt the same way about practicing BDSM with a partner - I just didn't want to deal with it.
Actually, forktine's comment nails it, because now when I look back on how I was/felt before, it was like I was in the closet, and terrified of being discovered.
And then about a year ago, I had a moment of clarity while talking with a friend about Buddhism, of all things. We were talking about the concept of acceptance (ie, the idea that in order to make things better, you must first accept them as they are) and it hit me like a thunderbolt - my sexuality wasn't something to be changed, it was something to love and embrace about myself.
So I started working on that. I found a therapist through the kink-aware professionals list and spent a TON of time reading first-hand stuff by kinky people (here on askme, on fetlife, a million and a half blogs by subs, the list goes on ...). I gradually started accepting this part of myself.
Something really amazing happened. As I started accepting my sexuality, all of a sudden pretty much everything in my life got better. My friendships improved. I got a new job I love. I stopped overeating as much as I had been and lost 20 lbs. It was as if I had been carrying this enormous weight that I didn't even know was there. Once that was gone, I was able to live the rest of my life more easily.
It took a while, but I finally had my first relationship with a Dom-type a few months ago. I'll be honest, it wasn't the best relationship, it was short-lived and it ended badly. I'm currently picking up the emotional pieces. But man oh man, I cannot tell you how amazing it was to finally experience this stuff with a partner. It was an extremely powerful experience and did so much to make me comfortable with this part of myself. Oh, and it was also super-hot.
One of the things I discovered when I was going through this is that a lot of why I hated my fantasies is that they tapped into emotions and a side of my personality that made me feel uncomfortable. You might find the same thing. I say be prepared for that and realize that this doesn't make you weak or needy - it makes you a complex human being.
While I was writing this, I did think of one blog in particular that I've read that dealt with this pretty well: Subversive Sub. Check out the archives from the early days of her blog to read about how much she struggled, and then read about her amazing relationship with her dominant partner.
I actually also have a blog where I write about being feminist and coming to terms with also being a sub. Memail me if you'd like the link, or if you want to talk to someone who's been there.
posted by the essence of class and fanciness at 12:15 AM on April 16, 2011 [9 favorites]
I can't count the number of amazing, loving women I've met who have this king -- or the number of amazing, loving men who have the the inverse fantasy.
The problem is that most of them spend much of their life really, really unhappy, because they refuse to believe there's anyone on the other side of the aisle who will understand what they want and respect and love them.
Don't be one of those people.
posted by Jairus at 1:08 AM on April 16, 2011 [4 favorites]
The problem is that most of them spend much of their life really, really unhappy, because they refuse to believe there's anyone on the other side of the aisle who will understand what they want and respect and love them.
Don't be one of those people.
posted by Jairus at 1:08 AM on April 16, 2011 [4 favorites]
I'm pretty much a lone voice here, but once I worked out that the level of disturbing behaviours in my fantasy life was linked with my level of self loathing things got a little easier. And once I worked out suicidal = super disturbing, and that the suicidal ideation/depression was the impetus, not some internal forevermore-kinky thing, it got a lot easier.
So I got myself medicated, therapy for a while and got a handle on things. That isn't to say I'm 'cured', but I don't have that heinous level of self hatred infesting my sexual identity. And you are exhibiting a whole lot of negativity towards yourself. I'm still kinky by most terms, but the destructiveness isn't there. It's just something I do when I have sex.
And being absent when having sex with a FWB doesn't mean a whole lot more than not great sex and not a great connection.
posted by geek anachronism at 4:23 AM on April 16, 2011
So I got myself medicated, therapy for a while and got a handle on things. That isn't to say I'm 'cured', but I don't have that heinous level of self hatred infesting my sexual identity. And you are exhibiting a whole lot of negativity towards yourself. I'm still kinky by most terms, but the destructiveness isn't there. It's just something I do when I have sex.
And being absent when having sex with a FWB doesn't mean a whole lot more than not great sex and not a great connection.
posted by geek anachronism at 4:23 AM on April 16, 2011
You should check out Clarisse Thorn -- a blogger who writes openly about her struggles to come to terms with her masochistic sexual desires and her subsequent journey to being comfortable enjoying a kinky sex life. She's now an activist and active BDSMer, but she didn't always feel comfortable with this side of herself, and she writes honestly and relatably about the process of accepting it and integrating it into her life.
posted by anotherthink at 7:54 AM on April 16, 2011 [4 favorites]
posted by anotherthink at 7:54 AM on April 16, 2011 [4 favorites]
I, also, want to give you a hug. Nthing the Secretary recommendation, but avoid the original short story written by Mary Gaskell. It's not kink positive at all.
I recommend that you get the Secretary screenplay from Amazon. Erin Cressida Wilson, who adapted the story, wrote a great introduction where she talks about accepting her own kinky desires. It's a really empowering, positive piece.
Also, remember that your mental fantasies can sometimes be a bit more intense than the sex you really want in real life. You can have really, really brutal fantasies, and then be surprised to find that you're satisfied by some fairly tame kinky stuff. Once you find a partner, take it slowly, and you'll find out what you really like and enjoy sexually.
posted by mmmbacon at 8:26 AM on April 16, 2011
I recommend that you get the Secretary screenplay from Amazon. Erin Cressida Wilson, who adapted the story, wrote a great introduction where she talks about accepting her own kinky desires. It's a really empowering, positive piece.
Also, remember that your mental fantasies can sometimes be a bit more intense than the sex you really want in real life. You can have really, really brutal fantasies, and then be surprised to find that you're satisfied by some fairly tame kinky stuff. Once you find a partner, take it slowly, and you'll find out what you really like and enjoy sexually.
posted by mmmbacon at 8:26 AM on April 16, 2011
And the more loathsome I feel, the more daydreams I have about non-con injurious sex.
That's interesting. Going back to what geek anachronism said, it would probably be good to figure out for yourself: is this just a kink, or are these daydreams fantasies acting out your self-loathing? Either way . . . I don't believe that one's thoughts are shameful. They're just thoughts, some meant to be ignored, some meant to teach . . . but just thoughts.
I have to admit, I don't see the appeal of BDSM for myself. I suspect that my sexual fantasies are all hearts and rainbows compared to what's out there. But I also believe that what a person or persons do in the name of fun and excitement is their own business, y'know? To my mind, hurting puppies or infidelity or murder or kidnapping two yr olds & forcing them to perform blow jobs -- these are shameful things. Anything you decide to do with your body, with people who agreed to engage -- not shameful.
((I want to hug you, too!))
posted by MeiraV at 9:03 AM on April 16, 2011
That's interesting. Going back to what geek anachronism said, it would probably be good to figure out for yourself: is this just a kink, or are these daydreams fantasies acting out your self-loathing? Either way . . . I don't believe that one's thoughts are shameful. They're just thoughts, some meant to be ignored, some meant to teach . . . but just thoughts.
I have to admit, I don't see the appeal of BDSM for myself. I suspect that my sexual fantasies are all hearts and rainbows compared to what's out there. But I also believe that what a person or persons do in the name of fun and excitement is their own business, y'know? To my mind, hurting puppies or infidelity or murder or kidnapping two yr olds & forcing them to perform blow jobs -- these are shameful things. Anything you decide to do with your body, with people who agreed to engage -- not shameful.
((I want to hug you, too!))
posted by MeiraV at 9:03 AM on April 16, 2011
MeiraV's comment reminded me of something I forgot to say about my story: once I finally acknowledged and accepted my submissiveness, and stopped hating myself for it, non-consensual fantasies lost much of their draw for me. It happened almost instantly. Now my fantasies involve a lot of the same elements, but they are consensual and with, as you put it, "a man who is worthy to dominate me." And honestly, I really don't think there's anything wrong with rape fantasies, but these fantasies are so much more satisfying for me (I know exactly what you mean about the safety and security and the "inner peace" now). It's funny that I had to accept and even embrace the violent, "degrading" rape fantasies in order to move into a more integrated expression of sexuality. I imagine the same will happen for you.
I also wanted to say that just the fact that you are putting these thoughts into words and asking this question is a huge step. You're totally on your way.
Oh, and I second Clarisse Thorn. Here's a direct link to her story about coming into her BDSM identity.
posted by the essence of class and fanciness at 10:15 AM on April 16, 2011 [1 favorite]
I also wanted to say that just the fact that you are putting these thoughts into words and asking this question is a huge step. You're totally on your way.
Oh, and I second Clarisse Thorn. Here's a direct link to her story about coming into her BDSM identity.
posted by the essence of class and fanciness at 10:15 AM on April 16, 2011 [1 favorite]
I don't have a book recommendation but I second the suggestion of the mefi group on fetlife. Feel free to contact me here or there (my username is different there, but you'll figure it out). I hate to see anyone suffer needlessly over this; there is nothing wrong with you or your desires.
posted by desjardins at 11:06 AM on April 16, 2011
posted by desjardins at 11:06 AM on April 16, 2011
I know people who are in full 3d loving relationships where one of the things they share is a strong complementary kinky streak. They're out there, and I hope you get to be one of them.
posted by rmd1023 at 11:25 PM on April 16, 2011
posted by rmd1023 at 11:25 PM on April 16, 2011
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by you're a kitty! at 8:14 PM on April 15, 2011 [1 favorite]